1 00:00:03,626 --> 00:00:05,527 Guys, this is the best laundry party I've ever thrown. 2 00:00:05,595 --> 00:00:07,061 You can't just stick the word "party" on anything 3 00:00:07,129 --> 00:00:08,296 and make it fun. 4 00:00:08,364 --> 00:00:09,364 You're just mad because you missed 5 00:00:09,431 --> 00:00:11,566 Brad's gum surgery party. 6 00:00:13,102 --> 00:00:14,502 Well, save the date, because next week... 7 00:00:14,569 --> 00:00:16,604 I'm having an asymmetrical mole removed. 8 00:00:16,671 --> 00:00:18,205 The theme will either be "dressed to the benigns" 9 00:00:18,272 --> 00:00:20,440 or "it's time to get my affairs in order." 10 00:00:22,243 --> 00:00:23,343 Ooh! That's a lot of laundry, buddy. 11 00:00:23,411 --> 00:00:25,880 - Actually, this is all candy. - Oh. 12 00:00:25,947 --> 00:00:27,414 Yeah. I trick-or-treated my way over here. 13 00:00:27,482 --> 00:00:28,916 It's not even close to Halloween. 14 00:00:28,984 --> 00:00:30,484 Yeah, but it turns out if you ring someone's doorbell 15 00:00:30,551 --> 00:00:31,718 and then scream in their face "trick or treat?" 16 00:00:31,785 --> 00:00:33,152 as loud as you can, 17 00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:34,721 they'll just give you whatever they have on them. 18 00:00:34,788 --> 00:00:37,223 This one guy-- he gave me all his laundry. 19 00:00:37,290 --> 00:00:38,892 - Hmm? - And the cool is that it's all XXL, 20 00:00:38,959 --> 00:00:40,760 so I have room to grow into it. 21 00:00:40,828 --> 00:00:43,029 You're a terrifying individual. 22 00:00:43,096 --> 00:00:44,664 Oh, hey, Dave, you wanna throw your shirts in with mine? 23 00:00:44,732 --> 00:00:46,965 Oh, no, no, no. These-- these require special attention. 24 00:00:47,033 --> 00:00:49,467 In fact, sometimes I throw them on wet and run-dry them 25 00:00:49,536 --> 00:00:51,036 so they keep their shape. 26 00:00:51,103 --> 00:00:53,304 But then I get all sweaty, and it's like, here we go again! 27 00:00:53,372 --> 00:00:54,873 Would not change a thing about what you're doing. 28 00:00:54,941 --> 00:00:56,875 - Thank you. - Oh, my God. 29 00:00:56,943 --> 00:00:58,143 There's a groupon at the aquarium 30 00:00:58,210 --> 00:00:59,611 to swim with the dolphins. 31 00:00:59,679 --> 00:01:01,146 Mama likes dolphins. 32 00:01:01,213 --> 00:01:02,347 - Nope. - Hey! 33 00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:03,748 Mama always does this. 34 00:01:03,815 --> 00:01:05,182 You see something you like, you buy it, 35 00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:06,483 and then you lose interest immediately. 36 00:01:06,552 --> 00:01:07,985 You're too impulsive. 37 00:01:08,053 --> 00:01:09,921 I am not too impulsive. 38 00:01:09,988 --> 00:01:11,789 You bought us a time-share in Tampa. 39 00:01:11,857 --> 00:01:14,725 The lady at the kiosk said it's the Sacramento of the East. 40 00:01:14,793 --> 00:01:16,393 Now we gotta go to Tampa every year. 41 00:01:16,461 --> 00:01:18,929 Tampa's not a place that you go. It's a place that you end up. 42 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,297 My bitch is the same way. 43 00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:24,901 - What? - Brad buys so much junk on QVC, we could start our own show. 44 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,571 But we won't. 45 00:01:27,638 --> 00:01:30,040 Whatever, Jane. It's not junk, all right? 46 00:01:30,107 --> 00:01:32,508 For example, while you porkers have been doing laundry, 47 00:01:32,577 --> 00:01:34,510 I've been sitting here, getting a killer ab workout 48 00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:35,778 with my new... 49 00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:38,513 electro ab-belt. 50 00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:39,982 The electro-pulse stimulation... 51 00:01:40,050 --> 00:01:41,617 Uhh! Tones and shapes your... 52 00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:42,751 ...abs! 53 00:01:42,819 --> 00:01:43,986 Huh? 54 00:01:44,054 --> 00:01:45,287 For improved muscle defi... 55 00:01:45,354 --> 00:01:48,057 ...nition! 56 00:01:49,492 --> 00:01:51,125 Anyway... 57 00:01:51,193 --> 00:01:54,495 I predict that Alex buys the groupon and never uses it. 58 00:01:54,563 --> 00:01:55,997 I am absolutely gonna use it. 59 00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:58,365 Okay, how many unredeemed groupons do you have currently? 60 00:01:58,433 --> 00:02:00,034 What? 61 00:02:00,102 --> 00:02:01,502 Mm? 62 00:02:01,570 --> 00:02:02,670 - How many? - 11. 63 00:02:02,738 --> 00:02:04,105 11. Okay. 64 00:02:04,172 --> 00:02:05,573 Well, I think it's time that you learned a lesson. 65 00:02:05,641 --> 00:02:07,808 Tell you what. If you use all your groupons in one week, 66 00:02:07,875 --> 00:02:10,210 I'll buy you that dolphin groupon and... 67 00:02:10,277 --> 00:02:11,411 I'll do it with ya. 68 00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:13,279 You're on, ping-pong. 69 00:02:13,347 --> 00:02:15,782 - Mm. Okay. - Well good luck, Alex. 70 00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:17,250 I'm rooting for you. 71 00:02:17,318 --> 00:02:18,652 Okay? You all right? 72 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,120 What I meant to say is, I'm in your... 73 00:02:20,187 --> 00:02:21,488 ...corner! 74 00:02:21,555 --> 00:02:22,922 Ow! Oh, God! 75 00:02:22,990 --> 00:02:24,490 It's just-- it's not even pulsing anymore. 76 00:02:24,557 --> 00:02:25,691 Ow! 77 00:02:25,759 --> 00:02:27,359 - Get that off of him. - It's just constant. 78 00:02:27,427 --> 00:02:28,527 I don't-- ow! 79 00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:30,395 - So painful! - It shocked me! 80 00:02:30,463 --> 00:02:31,998 - Take it off! - All right. I'm trying. I don't know where the-- 81 00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:33,966 Ohh. 82 00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:35,234 - I need to sit on a trash bag. - We need a trash bag. We just-- it happened. 83 00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:36,368 - No! - It's happens. It just happens. 84 00:02:36,436 --> 00:02:37,603 It's okay. It's okay. 85 00:02:39,029 --> 00:02:43,508 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 86 00:02:47,813 --> 00:02:50,581 Last time I was there, I think I left a suede jacket. 87 00:02:50,649 --> 00:02:53,151 I'd love to get that back, with or without the cat. 88 00:02:53,219 --> 00:02:56,386 Oh, PS. There's a live cat living in that jacket. 89 00:02:56,454 --> 00:02:57,788 Oh, my God. 90 00:02:57,856 --> 00:02:59,223 I see the guy whose life I ruined, 91 00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:01,524 who in turn vowed to ruin mine. 92 00:03:01,592 --> 00:03:03,060 If you find my coat cat, he answers to the name "coat cat." 93 00:03:03,128 --> 00:03:04,161 Gotta go. Bye! 94 00:03:04,229 --> 00:03:05,963 Hey, Chase. 95 00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:08,498 Buddy, old pal. You know what's cool? 96 00:03:08,566 --> 00:03:09,867 The last time we saw each other, 97 00:03:09,934 --> 00:03:12,735 we left things on the best terms possible. 98 00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:14,503 I've been looking for you, Max. 99 00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:15,638 To tell me that you're back at work 100 00:03:15,705 --> 00:03:17,039 and that you're back with your wife? 101 00:03:17,107 --> 00:03:18,975 Nope. Thanks to you, I'm still unemployed, 102 00:03:19,042 --> 00:03:21,244 and my ex-wife's engaged to my brother. 103 00:03:21,311 --> 00:03:22,711 I'd kill myself, 104 00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:24,647 but guess who has to give a toast at their wedding? 105 00:03:24,714 --> 00:03:27,916 Ooh, boy. That is rough'em stuff'em robots, pal. 106 00:03:27,984 --> 00:03:29,584 I've been following you for weeks, 107 00:03:29,652 --> 00:03:31,552 trying to craft a plan to ruin your life. 108 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:33,521 Funny thing is, your life is so pathetic 109 00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:34,956 I doubt I can make it any worse. 110 00:03:35,024 --> 00:03:37,192 It's un-sabotagable. 111 00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:40,028 Hey. Come on. I got a lot of stuff going on. 112 00:03:40,096 --> 00:03:42,797 I, uh, recently bought a ladle... 113 00:03:42,864 --> 00:03:44,165 for soups. 114 00:03:44,232 --> 00:03:47,001 I, uh, I read half an article on fish oil. 115 00:03:47,068 --> 00:03:49,536 And, uh, I just learned how to do the heimlich. 116 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,840 Can even do it on myself, so now chewing food is my prerogative. 117 00:03:52,908 --> 00:03:54,608 Your life sucks. 118 00:03:54,676 --> 00:03:56,410 You have no job, no love life. 119 00:03:56,477 --> 00:03:57,845 Your apartment is disgusting. 120 00:03:57,913 --> 00:03:59,279 I considered releasing rats in there, 121 00:03:59,346 --> 00:04:01,414 but you already had rats in there way bigger than mine. 122 00:04:01,481 --> 00:04:02,816 Don't beat yourself up, pal. 123 00:04:02,883 --> 00:04:04,583 We're all just raising our rats the best we can. 124 00:04:04,651 --> 00:04:07,020 What I'm trying to say is, I'm not gonna ruin your life 125 00:04:07,087 --> 00:04:08,387 because it's impossible to ruin 126 00:04:08,455 --> 00:04:10,523 something that's already terrible. 127 00:04:10,590 --> 00:04:13,059 It'd be like adding more moms to Facebook. 128 00:04:15,128 --> 00:04:18,563 Penny, aren't you sick of paying a professional ear cleaner 129 00:04:18,631 --> 00:04:20,199 to come to your house 130 00:04:20,266 --> 00:04:22,734 and painfully remove your unwanted canal wax? 131 00:04:22,802 --> 00:04:23,802 Look, Brad, I know Jane's making you sell 132 00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:25,070 all your little gadgets, but-- 133 00:04:25,138 --> 00:04:26,338 Well, now you don't have to... 134 00:04:26,405 --> 00:04:28,473 with the revolutionary ear genie. 135 00:04:28,541 --> 00:04:29,774 Try it out. 136 00:04:29,843 --> 00:04:30,908 No! 137 00:04:30,976 --> 00:04:32,243 What? 138 00:04:32,311 --> 00:04:34,212 No, I do not wanna buy your used ear cleaner. 139 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:35,679 Totally understand. I get it. 140 00:04:35,747 --> 00:04:36,948 Let's talk shoes. 141 00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,283 How are you heating yours? 142 00:04:39,351 --> 00:04:40,751 I have a problem! I need help! 143 00:04:40,819 --> 00:04:42,253 - I have a problem and I need help. - No! Me! 144 00:04:42,321 --> 00:04:44,088 Okay, okay. Alex first. Alex first. 145 00:04:44,156 --> 00:04:45,823 Yeah. Okay. Thank you. 146 00:04:45,891 --> 00:04:47,790 So you know how Dave challenged me to do all these groupons? 147 00:04:47,859 --> 00:04:49,359 I-I keep getting distracted. 148 00:04:49,426 --> 00:04:51,627 I didn't even make it to my pottery class this morning. 149 00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:01,004 Ohh! It was a total puppy pile-on. 150 00:05:01,072 --> 00:05:02,638 So you never used your pottery groupon? 151 00:05:02,706 --> 00:05:04,639 - Which means you still have 11. - 12. 152 00:05:04,707 --> 00:05:06,842 The puppy store lady said that there was a groupon 153 00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:08,878 for eyelash extensions. I need those! 154 00:05:08,945 --> 00:05:11,480 I have my dad's stubby eyelashes. 155 00:05:11,547 --> 00:05:13,249 You guys have to do these groupons with me, 156 00:05:13,316 --> 00:05:14,750 keep me on track. 157 00:05:14,817 --> 00:05:17,086 Well, as the author of several dozen cries for help, 158 00:05:17,153 --> 00:05:19,087 I know a good one when I hear one. 159 00:05:19,154 --> 00:05:20,554 But we have to be fair. 160 00:05:20,622 --> 00:05:22,223 In the interest of conducting a civil discourse, 161 00:05:22,291 --> 00:05:24,458 the fat slob from Illinois has the floor. 162 00:05:24,526 --> 00:05:27,028 Thank you. Now you guys remember Chase, right? 163 00:05:27,096 --> 00:05:29,430 Yes. Super cool guy, vowed to ruin your life. 164 00:05:29,498 --> 00:05:31,966 That's the one. Well, he said that my life is so pathetic 165 00:05:32,034 --> 00:05:33,935 that it is un-sabotagable. 166 00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:36,303 So I need to improve my life to prove him wrong. 167 00:05:36,371 --> 00:05:38,138 Hmm. 168 00:05:38,206 --> 00:05:40,340 - Huh. - Hmm. 169 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,142 Well, Max... 170 00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:43,643 you know we love a challenge. 171 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,112 But that's not so much a challenge 172 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,781 as it is a suicide mission. So we're gonna go with Alex! 173 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,016 Yes! 174 00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,217 Sorry, brah. You're on your ahn. 175 00:05:50,285 --> 00:05:51,483 You ain't Private Ryan, 176 00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,986 and I ain't shaking hands with Tom Hanks. 177 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,487 Max, there's only one person 178 00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:58,291 who's really up to this challenge. 179 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,559 I've waited ten years for you to come to me. 180 00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:02,861 Mm! 181 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,365 How did you get a picture of me in my underwear? 182 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,867 Well, you're-- you're always in your underwear. 183 00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,436 In fact, it's hard to find a picture of you 184 00:06:11,503 --> 00:06:13,939 when you're clothed. 185 00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:17,108 I do not envy the task you are about to embark on. 186 00:06:24,608 --> 00:06:26,008 What are all those red arrows for? 187 00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:27,710 Oh, those are all the areas that need improvements. 188 00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,345 But those are all of them. 189 00:06:29,413 --> 00:06:30,680 Yeah. You got lots of bad areas. 190 00:06:30,748 --> 00:06:32,749 You're like the Oakland of gay guys. 191 00:06:32,816 --> 00:06:35,049 Okay. Well, where do we start? 192 00:06:35,117 --> 00:06:36,651 Small stuff-- haircut, shower, 193 00:06:36,719 --> 00:06:39,320 stop asking waiters if your food could be "lasagna'd." 194 00:06:39,389 --> 00:06:42,190 Jane, I'm in your undiagnosed OCD hands. 195 00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:43,925 - Ahh. - Let's do this. 196 00:06:43,993 --> 00:06:45,994 ♪ how can it be permissible? ♪ 197 00:06:50,599 --> 00:06:54,101 ♪ she compromise my principle ♪ 198 00:06:54,168 --> 00:06:55,235 ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ 199 00:06:55,303 --> 00:06:58,138 Yeah. Yeah. 200 00:06:58,206 --> 00:07:00,073 ♪ That kind of love is mythical ♪ 201 00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:07,380 ♪ she's a craze you'd endorse, she's a powerful force ♪ 202 00:07:07,448 --> 00:07:10,850 ♪ you're obliged to conform when there's no other course ♪ 203 00:07:10,918 --> 00:07:12,952 ♪ she used to look good to me ♪ 204 00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:14,020 ♪ but now I find her ♪ 205 00:07:16,891 --> 00:07:17,857 ♪ Simply irresistible ♪ 206 00:07:17,925 --> 00:07:19,225 ♪ she's all mine ♪ 207 00:07:19,293 --> 00:07:23,161 ♪ there's no other way to go ♪ 208 00:07:23,229 --> 00:07:25,731 ♪ simply irresistible ♪ 209 00:07:25,799 --> 00:07:27,833 Well, well, well... 210 00:07:27,901 --> 00:07:29,668 if it isn't doubting Dave. 211 00:07:29,736 --> 00:07:31,870 Might have to start calling you "doubting dolphin Dave." 212 00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:36,642 Feeling pretty good 'cause you knocked out a few groupons, huh? 213 00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:38,709 Not just a few. Many few. 214 00:07:38,777 --> 00:07:40,377 We got these cool hooded scarves... 215 00:07:40,446 --> 00:07:42,346 and we got our teeth whitened... twice. 216 00:07:42,414 --> 00:07:44,749 Whitened up them teeth! 217 00:07:44,817 --> 00:07:47,184 And we took this gorgeous portrait. Show him. 218 00:07:47,252 --> 00:07:49,353 Got it. Isn't it beautiful? 219 00:07:49,421 --> 00:07:51,288 It's like a portrait of two lipstick lesbians 220 00:07:51,356 --> 00:07:53,657 who adopted a lost boy of Sudan. 221 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:55,492 Yeah, it's just been good times. 222 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:56,860 Oh! You guys, up next... 223 00:07:56,928 --> 00:07:58,662 tequila shots! 224 00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:01,064 50% off... with this guy. 225 00:08:01,131 --> 00:08:02,198 Si, señor. 226 00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:04,300 Ooh! Yay! 227 00:08:04,368 --> 00:08:05,902 I hate tequila. 228 00:08:05,970 --> 00:08:08,037 These groupons are the worst thing ever. 229 00:08:08,105 --> 00:08:09,839 No, the worst thing ever is that at this rate, 230 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,908 Alex is gonna finish these groupons by tomorrow. 231 00:08:12,976 --> 00:08:14,543 You know what we need to do? 232 00:08:14,611 --> 00:08:17,012 We need to sabotage her so she can't finish. 233 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,313 Why would I do that? 234 00:08:18,381 --> 00:08:19,815 Because, Pen, if Alex wins this, 235 00:08:19,883 --> 00:08:21,216 she's gonna be dragging you to groupons 236 00:08:21,284 --> 00:08:22,952 for the rest of your life. 237 00:08:23,019 --> 00:08:25,120 You wanna be 50 years old and single 238 00:08:25,188 --> 00:08:27,288 and doing half-priced trapeze lessons? 239 00:08:27,356 --> 00:08:30,091 I resent you making me single in this hypothetical. 240 00:08:30,158 --> 00:08:31,726 See, you could've at least given me the dignity 241 00:08:31,794 --> 00:08:33,361 of having been widowed. 242 00:08:33,428 --> 00:08:34,629 Okay! Down the hatch. 243 00:08:34,697 --> 00:08:36,464 Our brow-shaping groupon is in 10. 244 00:08:36,532 --> 00:08:37,966 They shoot a laser right between your eyeballs! 245 00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,801 Here. Ready, Pen?! 246 00:08:39,869 --> 00:08:40,835 - Yes! - Whoo! 247 00:08:40,903 --> 00:08:41,902 Whoo! 248 00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:44,437 - Mm! - Ugh! 249 00:08:44,506 --> 00:08:46,072 Let's take that bitch down. 250 00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:47,173 Yeah. 251 00:08:52,747 --> 00:08:53,947 Jane! 252 00:08:54,015 --> 00:08:55,816 Check out this machine. It's amazing. 253 00:08:55,884 --> 00:08:57,450 It sucks the garbage off the ground, 254 00:08:57,518 --> 00:08:58,784 so now I don't have to throw it out on the street 255 00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:01,453 through a hole in my pocket, Andy Dufresne style. 256 00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:03,689 Max, you look great. 257 00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:04,957 I mean, really great. 258 00:09:05,025 --> 00:09:06,458 I feel great. 259 00:09:06,527 --> 00:09:07,693 This morning, I flossed my mouth, 260 00:09:07,761 --> 00:09:09,128 and my gums only bled a lot, 261 00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:11,330 as opposed to an alarming amount. 262 00:09:11,398 --> 00:09:13,232 And you had that interview today at that grocery store? 263 00:09:13,299 --> 00:09:14,699 How did that go? 264 00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:16,668 I nailed I it. 265 00:09:16,736 --> 00:09:18,537 This supermarket is the worst. 266 00:09:18,604 --> 00:09:19,838 Here's what you gotta do. 267 00:09:19,906 --> 00:09:21,172 You gotta move the sugar cereals 268 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,041 from the bottom shelf to the top shelf, 269 00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:24,475 'cause people like me 270 00:09:24,544 --> 00:09:26,778 don't and/or can't bend over to pick it up. 271 00:09:26,846 --> 00:09:29,213 I thought you were here for the bagger position? 272 00:09:29,281 --> 00:09:31,481 I said, any questions?! Chop-chop! 273 00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:33,250 I thought you said you nailed it. 274 00:09:33,317 --> 00:09:35,519 I did nail it, Jane. In fact... 275 00:09:35,587 --> 00:09:37,721 they're making me... 276 00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:39,723 assistant manager. 277 00:09:39,791 --> 00:09:41,124 No way. 278 00:09:41,192 --> 00:09:42,426 Curds and whey. 279 00:09:42,493 --> 00:09:44,227 Guy said he liked my real talk and fresh takes. 280 00:09:44,295 --> 00:09:47,630 Wow. My plan is working much faster than I thought. 281 00:09:47,698 --> 00:09:50,967 Come to think of it... 282 00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:52,835 maybe a little too fast? 283 00:09:52,903 --> 00:09:54,871 I mean, I'm weirdly happy. My nipples stopped burning. 284 00:09:54,939 --> 00:09:56,573 No one likes my real talk and fresh takes. 285 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,108 Once, a guy liked my real fresh take on talks, 286 00:09:59,176 --> 00:10:00,944 and that guy was me, and I was lying. 287 00:10:01,011 --> 00:10:02,343 What is your point? 288 00:10:02,411 --> 00:10:03,511 There's no way my life could've 289 00:10:03,580 --> 00:10:04,646 turned around this quickly on my own. 290 00:10:04,714 --> 00:10:06,381 The only logical explanation 291 00:10:06,449 --> 00:10:09,217 is that Chase is secretly trying to improve it, 292 00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:12,454 building me up only to knock me down. 293 00:10:12,521 --> 00:10:13,956 That is crazy. 294 00:10:14,023 --> 00:10:16,925 Just relax and enjoy your progress. 295 00:10:16,993 --> 00:10:19,660 Enjoy the progress, huh? 296 00:10:19,728 --> 00:10:22,197 That's exactly what Chase would say! 297 00:10:22,264 --> 00:10:23,965 - What?! Ah! - Show yourself, you beautiful genius! 298 00:10:24,032 --> 00:10:25,400 - Max! - I'll tear this face off! 299 00:10:25,468 --> 00:10:26,601 All righty. 300 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,170 Max, I'm not Chase! 301 00:10:29,238 --> 00:10:31,439 My bad, Jane. 302 00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:33,608 - Full disclosh, though? - Yeah? 303 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,675 Not the first time I thought you were a dude. 304 00:10:35,743 --> 00:10:38,178 Aw. Thank you. 305 00:10:39,614 --> 00:10:41,415 - Oh! - Okay. 306 00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:42,682 Today is the last day 307 00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:44,151 that Alex's dolphin groupon is available. 308 00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:47,287 All we have to do is make sure she doesn't finish the others. 309 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,990 - Exactly. - So you, Alex, and Brad are supposed to go to dinner tonight 310 00:10:50,057 --> 00:10:51,424 at that new barbecue joint, 311 00:10:51,492 --> 00:10:53,226 except you're not because you and I are gonna-- 312 00:10:53,293 --> 00:10:54,960 Throw the phones through the window, 313 00:10:55,028 --> 00:10:57,997 covering their pulled pork with shattered glass and phones. 314 00:10:58,064 --> 00:11:00,566 What? No. No, we're gonna call and make so many reservations 315 00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:02,401 that you guys can't get in. 316 00:11:02,469 --> 00:11:04,069 But you are overlooking one very obvious detail-- 317 00:11:04,138 --> 00:11:06,304 the restaurant is gonna recognize our number. 318 00:11:06,372 --> 00:11:08,940 That's why I got all these burners, baby. 319 00:11:09,008 --> 00:11:12,577 To throw at the reservation guy to distract him. Yes! 320 00:11:12,645 --> 00:11:14,979 - No! No! You fool, no! - Oh. 321 00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:18,916 We call from 40 different phones using 40 different personas. 322 00:11:18,984 --> 00:11:20,552 Here are yours. 323 00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:22,319 Uh, Southern lawyer? 324 00:11:22,387 --> 00:11:23,220 "I do declare." 325 00:11:23,321 --> 00:11:24,522 Nantucket housewife. 326 00:11:24,589 --> 00:11:25,822 "Uh, white wine spritzer, please?" 327 00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:27,958 Julian Assange? Is that the Wikileaks guy? 328 00:11:28,026 --> 00:11:29,926 - I can't do him. - You want me to do him? 329 00:11:29,994 --> 00:11:33,130 Whatever. Just honor the spirit of the characters. 330 00:11:33,198 --> 00:11:34,998 But don't forget to have fun out there, okay? 331 00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:37,668 - Now your first character is Alex. - Mm. 332 00:11:37,735 --> 00:11:39,536 Call the restaurant as her and cancel the reservation. 333 00:11:39,603 --> 00:11:40,970 Okay. 334 00:11:41,038 --> 00:11:42,372 Oh, I don't know if I can do this. 335 00:11:42,439 --> 00:11:43,673 You got this. You got this. You got this. 336 00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:45,475 Hey, I'm Alex Kerkovich. 337 00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:47,243 I'm short and I love ribs. 338 00:11:47,311 --> 00:11:49,579 Do you know anything about Alex or how reservations work? 339 00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:51,113 This is what she sounds like! 340 00:11:51,182 --> 00:11:53,183 I need to cancel a reservation. 341 00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:55,484 Uh... fantastic. Thank you. 342 00:11:55,552 --> 00:11:56,652 We're screwed. 343 00:11:56,719 --> 00:11:58,420 She has been there already 344 00:11:58,488 --> 00:12:01,223 and used all three ribs groupons herself. 345 00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:03,725 God, we should've known. Breakfast ribs are her favorite. 346 00:12:03,793 --> 00:12:05,160 Damn, damn, damn! 347 00:12:05,228 --> 00:12:08,163 Wait. Why do you care so much? I... it's just a bet. 348 00:12:08,231 --> 00:12:10,098 Because I care about Alex, 349 00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:11,399 and I'm trying to help her grow up 350 00:12:11,466 --> 00:12:13,467 and be more responsible with her money. 351 00:12:13,535 --> 00:12:15,069 What's the real reason? 352 00:12:15,136 --> 00:12:17,672 I have a paralyzing fear of dolphins-- 353 00:12:17,739 --> 00:12:19,807 as in, when I'm near them... 354 00:12:19,874 --> 00:12:21,342 I lose my poop. 355 00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:22,743 Now come on. 356 00:12:22,811 --> 00:12:24,044 There's only one groupon left, 357 00:12:24,112 --> 00:12:25,813 and it's the military obstacle course 358 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,847 - at the Major Fitness Boot Camp. - Okay. 359 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,749 If she does this, I lose, all right? 360 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,718 - So we gotta stop her. - Okay. 361 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,454 Why dolphins? They seem so sweet. 362 00:12:34,522 --> 00:12:36,590 Let's just say they understand a lot of things, 363 00:12:36,657 --> 00:12:38,692 but "no" isn't one of them. 364 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,862 Hey, Max. 365 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,797 - How's the new job? - Great. 366 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,299 Actually, too great. 367 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,301 This morning, I got approved for a credit card, 368 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,636 my teeth stopped burning. 369 00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,204 There's no way Chase is not behind all this. 370 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,072 Max, that is just normal stuff 371 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,375 that happens to pretty much everyone every day. 372 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,743 Oh, my God. She's choking! 373 00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:59,143 Kevin! 374 00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:01,546 - I don't know what to do! - Do I have to do everything?! 375 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,115 Okay, ready? Here we go. Heimlich on three. 376 00:13:04,182 --> 00:13:05,316 One, two, three! 377 00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:07,818 - Oh! - Oh! Oh! 378 00:13:07,886 --> 00:13:09,220 All right. 379 00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,055 Wow. 380 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,757 - It's great! - No, it's not. 381 00:13:12,824 --> 00:13:14,658 Chase knows that I've been learning CPR. 382 00:13:14,726 --> 00:13:16,393 He is behind everything that's happening. 383 00:13:16,461 --> 00:13:18,428 It's a coincidence. 384 00:13:18,496 --> 00:13:20,664 Thank you so much. 385 00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:22,932 I'm a reporter for WLS Chicago, 386 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,701 and you've gotta let me do a story about you. 387 00:13:24,769 --> 00:13:26,035 You're a real hero. 388 00:13:28,406 --> 00:13:30,206 - Yeah, it's Chase. - Yeah, it's Chase. 389 00:13:38,869 --> 00:13:40,303 Welcome to the Major Fitness Boot Camp! 390 00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:42,138 We have a groupon to use the military obstacle course. 391 00:13:42,206 --> 00:13:44,174 Yep. Can't wait. Let's do this. 392 00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:45,508 - Sorry, it's closed! - Oh. 393 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,611 The course is flooded. It's super yucky, ma'am. 394 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:51,080 Welp, I guess the only obstacle left for us to overcome 395 00:13:51,148 --> 00:13:52,347 is disappointment. 396 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,782 That's it? 397 00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:55,017 I lose? 398 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,218 I'm sorry! 399 00:13:56,286 --> 00:13:57,986 Do you have to yell everything? 400 00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,587 I'm yelling on account of my injury! 401 00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,924 Of course. You lost your hearing in combat. 402 00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,692 Well, we appreciate the sacrifice you've made 403 00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,493 - to preserve our freedom. - No! 404 00:14:05,561 --> 00:14:09,297 I busted my eardrums using that ear genie ear wax remover 405 00:14:09,364 --> 00:14:10,631 you buy on TV! 406 00:14:10,699 --> 00:14:12,633 Stay away from them! 407 00:14:21,276 --> 00:14:23,344 Well, well, well. 408 00:14:23,411 --> 00:14:25,712 Penny told me you didn't finish the obstacle course. 409 00:14:25,779 --> 00:14:26,980 So it looks like 410 00:14:27,048 --> 00:14:29,349 instead of swimming in a tank with dolphins, 411 00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:30,884 I'll be soaking in our tub 412 00:14:30,952 --> 00:14:33,854 with a well-worn copy of "The Time Traveler's Wife." 413 00:14:33,921 --> 00:14:35,856 Yeah, you won. I lost. 414 00:14:35,923 --> 00:14:37,891 You're right. I make terrible decisions. 415 00:14:37,959 --> 00:14:39,892 I'm an impulsive idiot. 416 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,195 Oh, honey, come on. I wouldn't say "idiot." 417 00:14:43,263 --> 00:14:44,596 Really? The cotton candy maker I bought on the way home 418 00:14:44,664 --> 00:14:46,065 might disagree with you. 419 00:14:48,101 --> 00:14:50,669 It doesn't actually talk. Those were, like, $200 more. 420 00:14:50,737 --> 00:14:53,138 Hey, listen. Don't beat yourself up over it. 421 00:14:53,206 --> 00:14:54,874 I love cotton candy, too. 422 00:14:54,941 --> 00:14:56,440 Well, I am returning it, 423 00:14:56,508 --> 00:14:57,808 'cause it's time for me to get my head out of the clouds 424 00:14:57,877 --> 00:15:00,211 and stop eating food that looks like clouds. 425 00:15:00,279 --> 00:15:03,714 Cauliflower is healthy, and it looks like clouds. 426 00:15:03,782 --> 00:15:05,583 Now I'm confused... 427 00:15:05,650 --> 00:15:06,885 and hungry. 428 00:15:06,952 --> 00:15:08,286 Would you care 429 00:15:08,354 --> 00:15:10,688 for some delicious, fluffy cotton candy? 430 00:15:10,756 --> 00:15:14,624 I lied. I did spend the extra $200. 431 00:15:14,692 --> 00:15:17,160 And it was... $300. 432 00:15:18,764 --> 00:15:20,264 _ 433 00:15:20,265 --> 00:15:22,732 Chase is doing some dang old good work. 434 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,568 A tip of the ol' James hat to him. 435 00:15:25,636 --> 00:15:27,137 But I am not gonna give him the satisfaction 436 00:15:27,205 --> 00:15:28,438 of destroying my life. 437 00:15:28,506 --> 00:15:30,172 No, sir. 438 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,876 I'm gonna do that myself. 439 00:15:34,912 --> 00:15:36,579 You're sure you wanna do this? 440 00:15:36,647 --> 00:15:37,714 Yeah. 441 00:15:37,782 --> 00:15:39,616 Breaks my heart, but okay. 442 00:15:42,185 --> 00:15:44,753 You do have a full-time job, right? 443 00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:47,122 ♪ Simply irresistible ♪ 444 00:15:48,958 --> 00:15:50,926 There we go. Get it. 445 00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,728 ♪ Simply irresistible ♪ 446 00:15:52,796 --> 00:15:56,097 ♪ she's so fine, there's no telling where the money went ♪ 447 00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:00,268 ♪ simply irresistible, she's all mine ♪ 448 00:16:00,336 --> 00:16:04,739 ♪ there's no other way to go ♪ 449 00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:06,607 ♪ simply irresistible ♪ 450 00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:13,380 Well, you're pretty much right back to where you started-- 451 00:16:13,449 --> 00:16:15,049 human pastrami. 452 00:16:15,116 --> 00:16:16,317 It's not good enough, Jane. 453 00:16:16,384 --> 00:16:17,984 You gotta take me to negative 5, 454 00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:19,920 make sure Chase stays away for good. 455 00:16:19,987 --> 00:16:21,354 But there's nothing left to destroy. 456 00:16:21,422 --> 00:16:23,457 I mean, all you really have left is your health. 457 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,592 Okay. Take it. Hit me. 458 00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:28,061 No, I'm not gonna hit you. 459 00:16:28,128 --> 00:16:30,229 Jane, you ankles are fat. 460 00:16:31,933 --> 00:16:34,700 Yeah. I'm not falling for that. 461 00:16:34,768 --> 00:16:36,702 Jane, your bundt cake is on the wrong side of moist. 462 00:16:36,770 --> 00:16:38,370 That is ridiculous. 463 00:16:38,438 --> 00:16:40,906 At times, you're woefully unprepared. 464 00:16:40,974 --> 00:16:42,641 - Uhh! - Ohh! 465 00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:44,543 Oh! 466 00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:49,213 This is the first time I've ever been attracted to a woman. 467 00:16:50,483 --> 00:16:51,749 I wanna put a baby in you. 468 00:16:53,586 --> 00:16:56,320 So what'd you guys do, bring me here to gloat? 469 00:16:56,388 --> 00:16:58,623 Alex... 470 00:16:58,691 --> 00:17:00,324 I have a confession to make. 471 00:17:00,392 --> 00:17:02,994 Penny and I engaged in the French art of sabotage. 472 00:17:04,829 --> 00:17:06,229 - We flooded the course so you couldn't do it. - What?! 473 00:17:06,297 --> 00:17:07,664 I can't believe you guys. 474 00:17:07,732 --> 00:17:09,566 I didn't want a laser shot at my eyes. 475 00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,802 I don't think that's an unreasonable position. 476 00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:14,204 But then, Alex, I saw you with that cotton candy machine, 477 00:17:14,271 --> 00:17:16,072 and I realized that I love that you're impulsive 478 00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,941 and you do those kinds of things. 479 00:17:18,009 --> 00:17:19,510 That's what makes you, you. 480 00:17:19,577 --> 00:17:21,644 Aw! Yeah, it is. 481 00:17:21,712 --> 00:17:23,379 It's great. We really complement each other. 482 00:17:23,446 --> 00:17:24,780 I mean, you're the impulsive one, 483 00:17:24,848 --> 00:17:26,782 and I'm the grounded one that thinks things through. 484 00:17:26,850 --> 00:17:28,450 No. No. No, no, no, no. 485 00:17:28,519 --> 00:17:30,352 - You're not grounded in the least. - No. No. No! 486 00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:31,954 - Super impulsive. - No. Yes. 487 00:17:32,022 --> 00:17:33,523 How am I impulsive? 488 00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:34,790 When you saw "Munich," you tried to get Bar Mitzvah'd. 489 00:17:34,858 --> 00:17:36,691 You bought a time-share in Tampa next to Alex's. 490 00:17:36,759 --> 00:17:38,359 You bought 40 burner cell phones 491 00:17:38,427 --> 00:17:40,328 to make 40 untraceable dinner reservations. 492 00:17:40,396 --> 00:17:41,596 - You have the facial hair you have. - Eh! 493 00:17:41,664 --> 00:17:43,598 Okay, I get it! I get it. 494 00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:45,333 Leave the goatee out of it. 495 00:17:45,401 --> 00:17:46,835 - It's hard to leave it out. - Really hard. 496 00:17:46,903 --> 00:17:48,403 You know what? 497 00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:50,304 Maybe two impulsive people can work in a relationship. 498 00:17:50,372 --> 00:17:52,540 Hey, it works for Ice and Coco T. 499 00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:54,074 Sure as hell does. 500 00:17:54,142 --> 00:17:55,375 Here's the dolphin groupon. 501 00:17:55,443 --> 00:17:56,944 But before I give it to you, 502 00:17:57,012 --> 00:17:58,646 you have to do the obstacle course. 503 00:17:58,713 --> 00:18:00,080 But it's closed. 504 00:18:00,148 --> 00:18:02,382 So let's be impulsive. 505 00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:04,852 Hmm. 506 00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:29,841 Aah! Uhh. 507 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,543 Uhh! 508 00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,714 Aah! 509 00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,851 Perhaps there's a downside 510 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,687 to having two impulsive people in a relationship. 511 00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,722 Someone should warn Ice and Coco T. 512 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,991 I don't think you guys should be left alone without supervision. 513 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,225 Yeah, it's like all of a sudden 514 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,595 we're parents to two 30-year-old dum-dums. 515 00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,329 Three. 516 00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:54,765 Max, again, I am so, so sorry. 517 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,833 It's okay. You did good, baby. 518 00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:58,334 Chase can't hurt us anymore. 519 00:18:58,402 --> 00:19:02,438 Max, is that you? 520 00:19:02,506 --> 00:19:04,240 Chase? 521 00:19:04,308 --> 00:19:05,909 What are you doing here? 522 00:19:05,977 --> 00:19:07,477 After we spoke on the street, 523 00:19:07,544 --> 00:19:10,013 I slipped on that slice of pizza you dropped and I hit my head. 524 00:19:10,081 --> 00:19:12,448 I've been unconscious for three days. 525 00:19:12,516 --> 00:19:14,316 Unconscious? 526 00:19:14,383 --> 00:19:16,351 So then it couldn't have been you building my life up 527 00:19:16,419 --> 00:19:18,087 only to knock it down. 528 00:19:18,154 --> 00:19:19,989 First of all, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. 529 00:19:20,056 --> 00:19:21,824 - I didn't ask. - Secondly, no, I wasn't. 530 00:19:21,891 --> 00:19:23,092 But I'm so glad you're here 531 00:19:23,159 --> 00:19:24,559 because I wanna tell you something. 532 00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:27,162 I don't know where you fall in the existence of an afterlife, 533 00:19:27,230 --> 00:19:31,032 but I'm here to tell you there is another place. 534 00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:35,069 It's a spiritual realm ruled by powerful yet merciful beings. 535 00:19:35,137 --> 00:19:37,271 I was there, Max, 536 00:19:37,339 --> 00:19:41,308 and I was headed for sweet eternal peace. 537 00:19:41,376 --> 00:19:44,945 But then I realized I could not transcend to the next plane 538 00:19:45,013 --> 00:19:46,312 until I took care 539 00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:48,048 of the unfinished business of this world-- 540 00:19:48,116 --> 00:19:51,618 the unfinished business of ruining your life. 541 00:19:51,686 --> 00:19:53,286 It was you. 542 00:19:53,354 --> 00:19:55,722 I came back for you. 543 00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:58,992 I have looked deep into the abyss of the next world, 544 00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:00,326 and it is beautiful. 545 00:20:00,394 --> 00:20:02,394 But before I make that pilgrimage, 546 00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:05,097 I will stop at nothing to lay waste 547 00:20:05,165 --> 00:20:07,833 to what you so tragically call 548 00:20:07,901 --> 00:20:10,770 your life. 549 00:20:13,373 --> 00:20:15,340 Wow. 550 00:20:15,408 --> 00:20:17,608 That guy is still so cool. 551 00:20:17,677 --> 00:20:20,344 That was perfectly timed with his exit. 552 00:20:20,412 --> 00:20:22,246 Do you think he rehearsed that with the nurses beforehand? 553 00:20:22,314 --> 00:20:24,415 You know, Max, the good news is 554 00:20:24,483 --> 00:20:26,084 that now we know you have the ability to improve your life 555 00:20:26,152 --> 00:20:28,653 all... by... yourself. 556 00:20:28,721 --> 00:20:29,888 Yeah, I guess you're right. 557 00:20:29,955 --> 00:20:31,422 And I would be more than happy to help you. 558 00:20:31,490 --> 00:20:32,790 Because if you put your mind to it, 559 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,125 you could achieve things you only dreamed of. 560 00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:37,761 So what do you say? 561 00:20:39,831 --> 00:20:41,832 It sounds like a lot of work. Hard pass. 562 00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,400 Yeah, that's okay. I understand. 563 00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:45,102 - Well, I gotta go, buddy. Take care. - Bye, everybody. 564 00:20:53,389 --> 00:20:54,589 Ugh. I got passed up for another promotion at work. 565 00:20:54,656 --> 00:20:57,259 I really need to change some things in my life. 566 00:21:01,029 --> 00:21:02,229 You know, on second thought, 567 00:21:02,297 --> 00:21:03,830 why should I even doubt myself? 568 00:21:03,899 --> 00:21:07,101 I mean, I don't even want that job anyways. 569 00:21:07,168 --> 00:21:09,203 Yeah. Yeah. 570 00:21:09,271 --> 00:21:12,773 So, Alex, are you going to that dolphin thing with Dave today? 571 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,640 Oh, no. 572 00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:17,176 I can do this. I can do this. 573 00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:21,614 Oh, no. No way. 574 00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,616 I know what you guys want, 575 00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,251 and you're not gettin' it! 576 00:21:26,256 --> 00:21:30,597 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com