I wish I could say I'm getting used to being
a prophet of God,
but I'm still not quite sure I have a handle on it.
I just want you all to know that you are loved.
And you, sir, you are only going to be unemployed
for a few months.
I'm losing my job?
But then later, like, six weeks after,
you're gonna get your dream job at the art museum!
But I'm losing my job? Who have you been talking to?
No, no, no. No, no, no, you're missing the point.
You are loved.
The thing is,
this gift of mine didn't come with an instruction book.
I really needed that instruction book.
And then it hit me,
there's totally an instruction book!
Oh, come on. We have to have a Bible.
Come on, Tom, tell me we own a Bible.
We're not heathens. We're not heathens.
Beth, I think it's great that you're reinventing yourself,
but can I just point out
that we've been down this road before?
There was the juicing thing, then there was a magnet thing,
and then there was the drinking thing.
That was my least favorite thing.
Tom, this is not a thing. God talks to me.
Also, I may have put your ex mistress in a coma,
so I think it's only appropriate
that I would seek some guidance, no?
How is Carly, by the way?
Well, you know, some encouraging signs yesterday.
Someone turned on the TV in her room
and she appeared to grimace at Katherine Heigl.
That is a good sign.
Now, didn't your mother give us a Bible when we got married?
That was the good sex Bible.
A Bible! We have one.
Oh, we are good, decent, you-fearing people.
Whoa.
You had that in our house with our daughter?
Holy moly, I really am a bad mom.
Oh, I'm gonna go flush this...
Amazing-smelling bud.
And get a new Bible.
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -
Oh, nuts.
Wow, reading the Bible.
- I'm really impressed. - Oh, yup, devouring it.
I mean, I am just loving these guys,
uh, Cain and Abel. Classic bromance.
- Cain hates Abel. He kills him. - All right.
Truth be told, I don't understand a word of this thing.
You know, the king James Bible
is the double-black diamond run of bibles.
There are other versions that might be more accessible.
There are?
Oh, my God! There are even pictures. Thank you.
It's open!
- Hi. - Hello.
- Oh, hey, guys. - Hi.
We just stopped by to tell you some interesting news
about our neighbor Ruby. Aka "rotten Ruby."
- Aka "Ruby the ruiness." - Aka "the stench."
They don't all have to be clever. She's an awful person.
Anyway, she is finally leaving the neighborhood.
Ruby's leaving? Did she die?
Ruby the rat is leaving?
Rubella Deville is leaving?
Not quite yet, but we're in the end game.
This petition is all we need
to get Ruby's house declared a public nuisance.
We just need two more signatures.
And you saved us for last. We're honored.
Well, we all had our problems with Ruby,
but Beth had a truly special relationship with her.
Yes, I did indeed.
Get off my lawn!
It's the sidewalk, you old bat!
You just think it's your lawn 'cause you don't cut your grass!
I'll shoot you. I swear to God, I will.
You don't know how to work that thing.
Try me, bitch.
"Try me, bitch."
Whoo!
You're making me have to pee more, bitch!
Get outta here!
Anyway...
- Good riddance, Ruby. - That's all she wrote.
We're going to go take a victory lap around the block.
Maybe toss some garbage into her yard
for old times' sake.
Oh, Tom.
Remember when we used to fantasize about a gay couple
moving into that house and fixing it up? Tad and...
- Tad and Benicio. - That's right.
Tad was an attorney for the music industry.
And Benicio was a buyer for restoration hardware.
Our property values were going to go through the roof.
Architectural digest was going to come
and shoot every other week.
And they were gonna spend hours doing my hair.
Oh, 117! 117. [Ethereal music]
- What? - What?
Oh, in the book.
117, page 117.
Um... okay, "the good samaritan."
Um, "even though he was his sworn enemy,
he still helped him, for he could not let him suffer."
Oh, no.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- What? - God is telling me
that I gotta help Ruby the rat face!
What do you mean "help"?
I mean I can't let Ruby get kicked out of her house.
I have to be the one to help her fix it!
Oh, no, Beth. You can't.
What can I tell you? God is telling me
to be a good samaritan. I don't like it either.
- Mom, the gays. - Oh, honey, I know.
Okay, God, this is what you really want.
[Screams]
You never learn, do you?
According to my children's Bible
it's the samaritan's job to prove how good they are.
I had to believe that once Ruby saw that I was a friend,
it would soften her up.
Ow! Hey! Ruby, whoa! All right, hey!
Stop, stop! Ruby, would you cut it out?
I'm here to help you.
You're just here to pee on something!
Look, everybody in the neighborhood
has signed a petition to get you kicked out of your house,
so if you don't let me help you,
you're gonna get forced out of here.
I don't want your help!
Drop it and move on!
All right, forget it. I tried. I really did.
I came over here with kindness in my heart,
and all I did was get pelted with insults and food!
Who are you talking to, nut case?
You know what, if you were a nice old lady
with a horrible house, I would help you out.
If you were a horrible old lady
in a nice, little house, I would help you out.
I would make an effort,
I would come on over, try to have a cup of tea,
maybe find something to like about you,
something we would have in common,
but you know what?
You can't get blood from a turnip!
"Blood from a turnip?" Why'd you say that?
I don't know! I don't know. It just popped into my head.
I've never said it before in my life.
My husband used to say that.
And how long were you married for, Ruby?
38 years.
- Oh. - Leon used to spend
all his time puttering in the yard,
fixing things all around the house.
He'd come in every little bit and say,
"I just came in for a hug, love bug."
Give me a hug and go on back to the garden or whatever.
What are you doing?
Tom, what the heck is happening out there?
Please explain to me what my eyes just saw.
Beth got it in her head that she's supposed to be
a good samaritan. She wants to help Ruby
fix up her house.
What? No! Tom, we're this close
to getting rid of her and getting somebody good in there.
Maggie and I have always had this fantasy
of getting a gay couple on the block.
No way.
Me and Jenna had the exact same fantasy.
Yeah, us too. Ours are Tad and Benicio.
Ours are Steven and Raif.
Steven owns several high-end restaurants,
Raif designs women's shoes.
Mine are Kelly and Kelly.
Kelly's a lipstick lesbian with a killer ass,
and Kelly's another lipstick lesbian
with another killer ass.
- Mmm. - Mmm. Well,
none of us have any chance of getting our dream gays
unless you make your wife stop.
What is this, the 1800s?
You can't make a wife do something.
- That's true. - That's good.
She thinks it's God's will.
Does she know that God split a baby in half?
God split a baby in half, Tom. Tell her that one.
Look, my wife is making herself a better person.
What kind of person am I if I discourage it?
For the sake of me and Kelly and Kelly
and their gay twin sisters
who I haven't even told you about yet,
you discourage her, Tom. You discourage her.
Ah, ah!
Oh, shoot.
I don't suppose you want to put that
back on up here for me, do you?
Nope.
Okay, well, you know who could use a good samaritan?
Me.
I could use a good samaritan.
I'm looking for a few good samaritans
to help me with the home improvement project.
- The reward is your soul. - Beth,
it's adorable you're attempting to help that awful woman,
but no way is anyone else on this block lending a hand.
She happens to not be a horrible woman.
She just drinks and smells like feet.
Those are actually her best qualities in my opinion.
Beth, come on. You've already proved you're a good person.
You've gone above and beyond. Now, as your husband,
I got to step in and tell you enough is enough.
Oh, really? You're stepping in as my husband?
What is this, the 1800s?
I tried to tell them that. Look, it's not the 1800s.
You guys, in my heart of hearts,
I know this is the right thing to do,
and there is a little bit of a trick.
If you put some cedar under your nose,
she smells like Christmas.
I could really use a few strong men
to help me with that man stuff.
- Well... - Pete, Pete,
Pete. Don't fall for it. I guess I-
- it's a girl trick. - Fine.
Forget you two. Honey?
Oh, really? You're gonna let me hang like this?
Even if we fix her stuff up now, she can't take care of it.
She'd be much better off going to some condo
where she can swear at people who get paid to fix her stuff.
But that's not what she wants.
She wants to be in her house and swear at us.
I can't believe you're not gonna help me help her have that.
You know what? God knows when you're naughty.
That's Santa.
Don't ruin my exit.
God split a baby in half.
Unbelievable. No one wants to help.
So!
It wasn't my pot in there after all... it was yours.
It's medicinal.
I have anxiety because I have a mom who talks to God.
You know, I took so much fish oil
when I was pregnant with you to protect your brain cells.
I would really hate it if you killed them all off.
- It's no big deal. - Oh.
- Everyone does it. - Honey, it is a big deal.
Do you not remember what it was like in this house
when I was partying? How pathetic I was?
Yeah, well, I'm not going to be pathetic.
No one sets out to be pathetic, they just end up there,
and then they want to get back to normal,
and they can't find the map,
and then they ask someone for directions,
and it turns out to be Amanda Bynes!
Would you just punish me already?
No, I don't want to punish you.
Instead of you getting high
to escape your mom, I want you to get high with your mom.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- It's a metaphor, isn't it? - It is.
You are going to experience the high
of helping a neighbor in need.
Well, that's not fair. Dad doesn't even have to help!
Well, dad wasn't just caught with pot.
No! Dad got caught having an affair,
which is arguably worse. Are we doing this?
- Wow, you're in? - Well, it's not the 1800s,
but I can't let my wife do man's work.
Come on.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure!
How do you know is God?
Oh, wow.
Um, I don't know, I just do. I just... I just know.
Oh, the faith argument?
You God people always pull that one out like it's...
It's some justification for no evidence whatsoever.
- So you don't believe in God? - Absolutely not.
Emily!
I'm on the fence too. We should talk.
So you think I'm crazy?
Well, if you're not crazy, then he is.
So God allows wars, but he cares
so deeply about humanity that he's gonna reach down here
and tell some drunk, white, suburban mom
to fix up some smelly bitch's house?
I'm right here.
Oh! Sorry, Ruby.
I don't have all the answers.
I wish I did, but if you don't want to believe, don't believe.
I'm not going to force my beliefs on you.
Oh! Are you okay?
Is she going to make it, doc?
Thankfully, yes, and may I say,
you are rocking the thick neck look.
Oh, you know, a good model can sell anything with attitude.
Seriously, you're one lucky lady.
- Lucky? - Absolutely,
to fall from that height and walk away with a sprain,
someone's looking out for you.
- That was not literal. - I didn't mean that literally.
- He didn't mean it literally. - It's just an expression.
Right, you said it. You can't take it back now.
All right. As your doctor, I order you to rest.
No climbing, no lifting,
and as someone who really wants gay neighbors,
no helping horrible people who smell like feet.
She is not a horrible person.
Still, isn't it possible that you falling off the roof
is a sign, a sign saying to stop?
A stop sign, if you will.
- Thank you. - Well,
maybe I stuck my fat neck
into the wrong person's business.
I just can't believe I was so wrong.
I can't believe that he/she would lead me so far astray.
It doesn't make any sense.
- You know what makes sense? - Huh?
Pizza.
It never disappoints. It's always there for you.
The gang's all here. Hi, guys.
All: Hey. - What's going on?
We are partying like it is nineteen-ninety-no-more-Ruby.
Yeah, we're finally gonna send that disgusting old troll
back under the bridge where she belongs.
- Mm! - And our lives will be perfect.
Seriously? Your lives already are perfect.
- Beth. - Oh, come on. I mean...
You have so many blessings. You're gonna focus
on chasing this poor woman out of her house?
What are you do... Jenna, you're a Bible person.
I know it's wrong, but I like that everyone's happy.
And let me tell you something,
that woman might not be the neighbor of the year,
she might not have the most beautiful house,
and she might have something seriously stinky
going on with those feet,
but let me tell you, you know what?
You know who used to hang out with people with bad feet?
Jesus. Jenna, am I close?
Lepers, yeah.
And if I'm not mistaken, Jesus was a carpenter.
Jenna?
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm, two-for-two,
so you don't cast any stones, because as Jesus once said,
"when you're looking at the dark side,
careful you must be."
That's Yoda.
Oh.
"We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams."
- No, that's... - Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
Willy Wonka! Yeah.
Damn it.
The point is, you guys,
you're looking at that house and you're seeing an eyesore,
and you should be looking at the woman
and seeing that she is missing her husband.
Come on.
We're not meant to go through this life alone.
Maggie, you got elliott to take out your garbage,
and Jenna and Pete have their clean-up day every month,
and Ruby, all she's got
is a whole neighborhood that's turning against her.
I think we should really look at that.
I mean, come on, who are we, guys?
What is Honeysuckle Lane? Is it a street
that just looks good from the outside,
or is it a street that feels good... from the inside?
Excuse me.
Did I overhear you say you live on Honeysuckle Lane?
You did.
We love that street so much.
Do you know of any homes for sale there?
- No, nope, no. - Oh.
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.
I'm a realtor. Let me give you my card.
- Jenna, Jenna, Jenna, no! - The schools are fantastic.
- Are you planning to adopt? - Oh, we love that.
They're spectacular.
Well, you gave it your best shot.
Yeah, I guess.
Hey, did I tell you that I figured out
why Ruby smells like feet?
- Why? - It's her feet.
That was Pete's theory.
We all thought it was too simple.
Uh, no, she got something funky going on
with that toenail. I don't know. It's either, like,
really ingrown or looking to escape.
I never thought about it before, but when you get married,
you agree to a certain level of personal hygiene.
Well, you gave it some thought, since you got me
that nose trimmer on our anniversary.
Well, you gave it thought,
because you give me perfume every Valentine's day,
reminding me that I am not supposed to smell like nature.
And thank you for wearing it
those last two weeks in February.
Message received.
I just... I don't know what I'd do
if I didn't have you to tell me that I had food in my teeth
or when I accidentally leave that tiny piece of toilet paper
in my lady parts.
We promised never to speak of that,
- and yet, you spoke of it. - I'm just grateful, Tom.
I'm grateful that you helped me out today,
and I'm grateful for all the days
that you're close enough to smell me.
Okay, weirdo, get some rest.
After failing to rally the troops
with my kick-ass sermon to in the booth,
I woke up feeling pretty alone.
I don't know if I would describe
what came next as a miracle,
but it was miraculous.
Oh, I cannot believe it. You're all here.
Honey, did you do this?
No, this was all you. Your speech was hot.
I like seeing you get passionate about old ladies.
Your speech did something.
When we got home last night, Pete cleaned up the living room,
and I gave him three special kisses.
Oh, Jenna.
I was swayed mostly by the Yoda part.
You just ignited my sense of competition.
I want to be a better samaritan than you.
Yeah, welcome to the race.
You people gonna jibber-jabber all day
or finish the damned house?
Yeah! Stop your jibber-jabber!
Finish the damned house!
Oh. We did good.
Yeah, you did.
You gonna get out of here, or am I gonna get the hose?
You want to come over for a cup of coffee?
I'd like that.
Cool.
Uh, you know what? I could...
I could help you with that too.
I learned that being a good samaritan
sometimes meant doing things that didn't feel good,
but you knew were right.
Helping a neighbor in need,
setting an example for others to learn from,
even if they weren't ready to learn.
Working on your marriage through good times and bad,
knowing that anything that has grown ugly from neglect
can be made beautiful again.
You call me anytime you need me, okay?
You're not alone.
You are a sweet girl.
And to think my daughter was trying to get me
to move in with her in Florida.
To be honest, the past few years,
I've only held on to the house to keep the gays from moving in.
- sync and corrections by Zac - - www.addic7ed.com -