1
00:00:03,691 --> 00:00:05,939
I wish I could say
I'm getting used to being

2
00:00:05,974 --> 00:00:07,568
a prophet of God,

3
00:00:07,603 --> 00:00:10,997
but I'm still not quite sure
I have a handle on it.

4
00:00:11,731 --> 00:00:15,784
I just want you all to know
that you are loved.

5
00:00:15,802 --> 00:00:17,870
And you, sir, you are only
going to be unemployed

6
00:00:17,904 --> 00:00:19,365
for a few months.

7
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,064
I'm losing my job?

8
00:00:21,099 --> 00:00:23,403
But then later,
like, six weeks after,

9
00:00:23,438 --> 00:00:25,645
you're gonna get your dream job
at the art museum!

10
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:27,410
But I'm losing my job?
Who have you been talking to?

11
00:00:27,445 --> 00:00:29,882
No, no, no. No, no, no,
you're missing the point.

12
00:00:29,916 --> 00:00:32,735
You are loved.

13
00:00:32,769 --> 00:00:34,203
The thing is,

14
00:00:34,237 --> 00:00:37,823
this gift of mine didn't come
with an instruction book.

15
00:00:37,858 --> 00:00:40,893
I really needed
that instruction book.

16
00:00:40,944 --> 00:00:42,261
And then it hit me,

17
00:00:42,295 --> 00:00:44,730
there's totally
an instruction book!

18
00:00:44,764 --> 00:00:47,516
Oh, come on.
We have to have a Bible.

19
00:00:47,550 --> 00:00:49,068
Come on, Tom,
tell me we own a Bible.

20
00:00:49,119 --> 00:00:51,637
We're not heathens.
We're not heathens.

21
00:00:51,671 --> 00:00:54,523
Beth, I think it's great that
you're reinventing yourself,

22
00:00:54,557 --> 00:00:55,824
but can I just point out

23
00:00:55,859 --> 00:00:57,693
that we've been
down this road before?

24
00:00:57,727 --> 00:01:01,914
There was the juicing thing,
then there was a magnet thing,

25
00:01:01,948 --> 00:01:04,250
and then there was
the drinking thing.

26
00:01:04,284 --> 00:01:05,718
That was
my least favorite thing.

27
00:01:05,752 --> 00:01:09,471
Tom, this is not a thing.
God talks to me.

28
00:01:09,506 --> 00:01:11,307
Also, I may have put
your ex mistress in a coma,

29
00:01:11,341 --> 00:01:12,608
so I think
it's only appropriate

30
00:01:12,642 --> 00:01:14,643
that I would seek
some guidance, no?

31
00:01:14,678 --> 00:01:17,046
How is Carly, by the way?

32
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,864
Well, you know, some
encouraging signs yesterday.

33
00:01:18,899 --> 00:01:20,232
Someone turned on the TV
in her room

34
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,134
and she appeared to grimace
at Katherine Heigl.

35
00:01:22,168 --> 00:01:23,752
That is a good sign.

36
00:01:23,770 --> 00:01:27,923
Now, didn't your mother give us
a Bible when we got married?

37
00:01:27,958 --> 00:01:29,959
That was the good sex Bible.

38
00:01:29,993 --> 00:01:33,896
A Bible!
We have one.

39
00:01:33,930 --> 00:01:38,247
Oh, we are good, decent,
you-fearing people.

40
00:01:38,568 --> 00:01:40,219
Whoa.

41
00:01:40,270 --> 00:01:43,022
You had that in our house
with our daughter?

42
00:01:44,107 --> 00:01:46,475
Holy moly,
I really am a bad mom.

43
00:01:46,509 --> 00:01:50,629
Oh, I'm gonna go flush this...

44
00:01:50,664 --> 00:01:53,799
Amazing-smelling bud.

45
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,302
And get a new Bible.

46
00:01:58,571 --> 00:02:06,829
- sync and corrections by Zac -
- www.addic7ed.com -

47
00:02:07,847 --> 00:02:10,833
Oh, nuts.

48
00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:12,885
Wow, reading the Bible.

49
00:02:12,936 --> 00:02:15,604
- I'm really impressed.
- Oh, yup, devouring it.

50
00:02:15,639 --> 00:02:18,374
I mean,
I am just loving these guys,

51
00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:22,611
uh, Cain and Abel.
Classic bromance.

52
00:02:22,645 --> 00:02:25,564
- Cain hates Abel. He kills him.
- All right.

53
00:02:25,599 --> 00:02:27,733
Truth be told, I don't
understand a word of this thing.

54
00:02:27,784 --> 00:02:30,286
You know, the king James Bible

55
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,121
is the double-black diamond run
of bibles.

56
00:02:33,139 --> 00:02:35,908
There are other versions
that might be more accessible.

57
00:02:35,942 --> 00:02:37,876
There are?

58
00:02:40,263 --> 00:02:43,799
Oh, my God! There are even
pictures. Thank you.

59
00:02:44,951 --> 00:02:46,151
It's open!

60
00:02:46,186 --> 00:02:48,437
- Hi.
- Hello.

61
00:02:48,471 --> 00:02:49,805
- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hi.

62
00:02:49,823 --> 00:02:52,241
We just stopped by to tell you
some interesting news

63
00:02:52,275 --> 00:02:54,393
about our neighbor Ruby.
Aka "rotten Ruby."

64
00:02:54,427 --> 00:02:59,214
- Aka "Ruby the ruiness."
- Aka "the stench."

65
00:02:59,249 --> 00:03:01,083
They don't all have to be clever.
She's an awful person.

66
00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:04,119
Anyway, she is finally
leaving the neighborhood.

67
00:03:04,154 --> 00:03:06,238
Ruby's leaving?
Did she die?

68
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:07,423
Ruby the rat is leaving?

69
00:03:07,457 --> 00:03:08,924
Rubella Deville is leaving?

70
00:03:08,942 --> 00:03:10,559
Not quite yet,
but we're in the end game.

71
00:03:10,577 --> 00:03:11,960
This petition is all we need

72
00:03:11,995 --> 00:03:14,730
to get Ruby's house declared
a public nuisance.

73
00:03:14,764 --> 00:03:15,948
We just need
two more signatures.

74
00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:18,600
And you saved us for last.
We're honored.

75
00:03:18,635 --> 00:03:20,969
Well, we all
had our problems with Ruby,

76
00:03:21,003 --> 00:03:24,606
but Beth had a truly special
relationship with her.

77
00:03:24,624 --> 00:03:27,860
Yes, I did indeed.

78
00:03:27,894 --> 00:03:29,662
Get off my lawn!

79
00:03:29,696 --> 00:03:32,314
It's the sidewalk, you old bat!

80
00:03:32,332 --> 00:03:35,184
You just think it's your lawn
'cause you don't cut your grass!

81
00:03:35,218 --> 00:03:37,519
I'll shoot you.
I swear to God, I will.

82
00:03:37,554 --> 00:03:39,338
You don't know
how to work that thing.

83
00:03:39,372 --> 00:03:40,622
Try me, bitch.

84
00:03:40,657 --> 00:03:41,940
"Try me, bitch."

85
00:03:41,975 --> 00:03:43,425
Whoo!

86
00:03:43,459 --> 00:03:46,145
You're making me
have to pee more, bitch!

87
00:03:46,196 --> 00:03:48,480
Get outta here!

88
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:50,416
Anyway...

89
00:03:52,635 --> 00:03:55,537
- Good riddance, Ruby.
- That's all she wrote.

90
00:03:55,572 --> 00:03:57,840
We're going to go take
a victory lap around the block.

91
00:03:57,874 --> 00:03:59,508
Maybe toss some garbage
into her yard

92
00:03:59,542 --> 00:04:00,642
for old times' sake.

93
00:04:00,676 --> 00:04:02,844
Oh, Tom.

94
00:04:02,862 --> 00:04:04,747
Remember when we used to
fantasize about a gay couple

95
00:04:04,781 --> 00:04:07,900
moving into that house
and fixing it up? Tad and...

96
00:04:07,934 --> 00:04:10,352
- Tad and Benicio.
- That's right.

97
00:04:10,370 --> 00:04:12,337
Tad was an attorney
for the music industry.

98
00:04:12,372 --> 00:04:15,307
And Benicio was a buyer
for restoration hardware.

99
00:04:15,341 --> 00:04:17,326
Our property values were
going to go through the roof.

100
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:18,477
Architectural digest
was going to come

101
00:04:18,528 --> 00:04:19,812
and shoot every other week.

102
00:04:19,846 --> 00:04:22,798
And they were gonna
spend hours doing my hair.

103
00:04:22,832 --> 00:04:26,201
Oh, 117! 117.
[Ethereal music]

104
00:04:26,236 --> 00:04:29,254
- What?
- What?

105
00:04:29,289 --> 00:04:32,024
Oh, in the book.

106
00:04:32,058 --> 00:04:34,326
117, page 117.

107
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:38,997
Um... okay,
"the good samaritan."

108
00:04:39,032 --> 00:04:42,117
Um, "even though
he was his sworn enemy,

109
00:04:42,135 --> 00:04:46,339
he still helped him, for he
could not let him suffer."

110
00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:49,057
Oh, no.

111
00:04:49,075 --> 00:04:51,293
Oh, no. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

112
00:04:51,327 --> 00:04:52,544
- What?
- God is telling me

113
00:04:52,578 --> 00:04:55,413
that I gotta help
Ruby the rat face!

114
00:04:55,464 --> 00:04:57,532
What do you mean "help"?

115
00:04:57,550 --> 00:05:01,553
I mean I can't let Ruby
get kicked out of her house.

116
00:05:01,587 --> 00:05:03,805
I have to be the one
to help her fix it!

117
00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:06,258
Oh, no, Beth.
You can't.

118
00:05:06,309 --> 00:05:08,343
What can I tell you?
God is telling me

119
00:05:08,377 --> 00:05:11,012
to be a good samaritan.
I don't like it either.

120
00:05:11,046 --> 00:05:15,550
- Mom, the gays.
- Oh, honey, I know.

121
00:05:15,568 --> 00:05:19,654
Okay, God,
this is what you really want.

122
00:05:21,741 --> 00:05:24,609
[Screams]

123
00:05:24,660 --> 00:05:27,078
You never learn, do you?

124
00:05:29,701 --> 00:05:31,735
According to my
children's Bible

125
00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:35,270
it's the samaritan's job
to prove how good they are.

126
00:05:35,271 --> 00:05:38,190
I had to believe that once Ruby
saw that I was a friend,

127
00:05:38,224 --> 00:05:40,109
it would soften her up.

128
00:05:44,547 --> 00:05:48,299
Ow! Hey!
Ruby, whoa! All right, hey!

129
00:05:48,318 --> 00:05:50,585
Stop, stop!
Ruby, would you cut it out?

130
00:05:50,620 --> 00:05:51,753
I'm here to help you.

131
00:05:51,804 --> 00:05:54,139
You're just here
to pee on something!

132
00:05:54,157 --> 00:05:56,325
Look, everybody
in the neighborhood

133
00:05:56,376 --> 00:05:58,877
has signed a petition to get you
kicked out of your house,

134
00:05:58,895 --> 00:06:00,062
so if you don't
let me help you,

135
00:06:00,113 --> 00:06:01,330
you're gonna get
forced out of here.

136
00:06:01,364 --> 00:06:04,499
I don't want your help!

137
00:06:04,550 --> 00:06:07,402
Drop it and move on!

138
00:06:07,437 --> 00:06:11,406
All right, forget it.
I tried. I really did.

139
00:06:11,457 --> 00:06:13,825
I came over here
with kindness in my heart,

140
00:06:13,859 --> 00:06:16,545
and all I did was get pelted
with insults and food!

141
00:06:16,579 --> 00:06:19,414
Who are you talking to,
nut case?

142
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:23,235
You know what,
if you were a nice old lady

143
00:06:23,269 --> 00:06:24,753
with a horrible house,
I would help you out.

144
00:06:24,804 --> 00:06:25,988
If you were a horrible old lady

145
00:06:26,022 --> 00:06:27,706
in a nice, little house,
I would help you out.

146
00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:29,041
I would make an effort,

147
00:06:29,075 --> 00:06:30,225
I would come on over,
try to have a cup of tea,

148
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:31,526
maybe find something
to like about you,

149
00:06:31,561 --> 00:06:32,861
something
we would have in common,

150
00:06:32,912 --> 00:06:33,978
but you know what?

151
00:06:33,997 --> 00:06:36,064
You can't get blood
from a turnip!

152
00:06:36,099 --> 00:06:38,983
"Blood from a turnip?"
Why'd you say that?

153
00:06:39,002 --> 00:06:42,387
I don't know! I don't know.
It just popped into my head.

154
00:06:42,421 --> 00:06:44,072
I've never said it before
in my life.

155
00:06:44,123 --> 00:06:47,009
My husband used to say that.

156
00:06:50,430 --> 00:06:53,832
And how long
were you married for, Ruby?

157
00:06:53,866 --> 00:06:55,467
38 years.

158
00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:57,185
- Oh.
- Leon used to spend

159
00:06:57,236 --> 00:06:59,771
all his time
puttering in the yard,

160
00:06:59,806 --> 00:07:02,224
fixing things
all around the house.

161
00:07:02,275 --> 00:07:04,893
He'd come in
every little bit and say,

162
00:07:04,927 --> 00:07:07,779
"I just came in for a hug,
love bug."

163
00:07:09,582 --> 00:07:14,870
Give me a hug and go on back
to the garden or whatever.

164
00:07:24,731 --> 00:07:26,615
What are you doing?

165
00:07:36,675 --> 00:07:40,495
Tom, what the heck
is happening out there?

166
00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:42,948
Please explain to me
what my eyes just saw.

167
00:07:42,982 --> 00:07:44,749
Beth got it in her head
that she's supposed to be

168
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,351
a good samaritan.
She wants to help Ruby

169
00:07:46,385 --> 00:07:47,936
fix up her house.

170
00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:52,174
What? No!
Tom, we're this close

171
00:07:52,208 --> 00:07:54,142
to getting rid of her and
getting somebody good in there.

172
00:07:54,177 --> 00:07:55,560
Maggie and I have always
had this fantasy

173
00:07:55,578 --> 00:07:57,245
of getting a gay couple
on the block.

174
00:07:57,296 --> 00:07:58,680
No way.

175
00:07:58,714 --> 00:08:00,131
Me and Jenna
had the exact same fantasy.

176
00:08:00,149 --> 00:08:02,868
Yeah, us too.
Ours are Tad and Benicio.

177
00:08:02,902 --> 00:08:04,519
Ours are Steven and Raif.

178
00:08:04,554 --> 00:08:06,021
Steven owns several
high-end restaurants,

179
00:08:06,055 --> 00:08:07,873
Raif designs women's shoes.

180
00:08:07,907 --> 00:08:09,508
Mine are Kelly and Kelly.

181
00:08:09,542 --> 00:08:11,693
Kelly's a lipstick lesbian
with a killer ass,

182
00:08:11,727 --> 00:08:13,595
and Kelly's
another lipstick lesbian

183
00:08:13,629 --> 00:08:15,046
with another killer ass.

184
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,917
- Mmm.
- Mmm. Well,

185
00:08:18,951 --> 00:08:20,936
none of us have any chance
of getting our dream gays

186
00:08:20,970 --> 00:08:22,354
unless you make your wife stop.

187
00:08:22,388 --> 00:08:24,039
What is this, the 1800s?

188
00:08:24,073 --> 00:08:26,024
You can't make a wife
do something.

189
00:08:26,058 --> 00:08:27,692
- That's true.
- That's good.

190
00:08:27,727 --> 00:08:30,128
She thinks it's God's will.

191
00:08:30,163 --> 00:08:32,981
Does she know
that God split a baby in half?

192
00:08:33,015 --> 00:08:36,334
God split a baby in half, Tom.
Tell her that one.

193
00:08:36,369 --> 00:08:38,854
Look, my wife is
making herself a better person.

194
00:08:38,905 --> 00:08:41,873
What kind of person am I
if I discourage it?

195
00:08:41,907 --> 00:08:43,725
For the sake of me
and Kelly and Kelly

196
00:08:43,759 --> 00:08:44,976
and their gay twin sisters

197
00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:46,912
who I haven't even
told you about yet,

198
00:08:46,946 --> 00:08:50,248
you discourage her, Tom.
You discourage her.

199
00:08:57,607 --> 00:08:59,524
Ah, ah!

200
00:09:01,561 --> 00:09:03,061
Oh, shoot.

201
00:09:03,095 --> 00:09:06,381
I don't suppose
you want to put that

202
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:08,350
back on up here for me, do you?

203
00:09:08,384 --> 00:09:10,902
Nope.

204
00:09:10,937 --> 00:09:14,573
Okay, well, you know who could
use a good samaritan?

205
00:09:14,607 --> 00:09:15,624
Me.

206
00:09:15,658 --> 00:09:19,027
I could use a good samaritan.

207
00:09:20,546 --> 00:09:22,447
I'm looking for a few
good samaritans

208
00:09:22,481 --> 00:09:24,616
to help me with
the home improvement project.

209
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:28,153
- The reward is your soul.
- Beth,

210
00:09:28,187 --> 00:09:29,955
it's adorable you're attempting
to help that awful woman,

211
00:09:29,989 --> 00:09:32,524
but no way is anyone else
on this block lending a hand.

212
00:09:32,558 --> 00:09:34,359
She happens to not be
a horrible woman.

213
00:09:34,393 --> 00:09:36,878
She just drinks
and smells like feet.

214
00:09:36,929 --> 00:09:38,680
Those are actually her
best qualities in my opinion.

215
00:09:38,731 --> 00:09:41,900
Beth, come on. You've already
proved you're a good person.

216
00:09:41,918 --> 00:09:44,202
You've gone above and beyond.
Now, as your husband,

217
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,004
I got to step in and tell you
enough is enough.

218
00:09:46,022 --> 00:09:47,689
Oh, really? You're stepping in
as my husband?

219
00:09:47,723 --> 00:09:49,124
What is this, the 1800s?

220
00:09:49,158 --> 00:09:51,910
I tried to tell them that.
Look, it's not the 1800s.

221
00:09:51,944 --> 00:09:53,645
You guys,
in my heart of hearts,

222
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:54,913
I know this
is the right thing to do,

223
00:09:54,947 --> 00:09:56,481
and there is
a little bit of a trick.

224
00:09:56,515 --> 00:09:57,849
If you put some cedar
under your nose,

225
00:09:57,884 --> 00:09:59,514
she smells like Christmas.

226
00:10:02,788 --> 00:10:05,590
I could really use
a few strong men

227
00:10:05,625 --> 00:10:07,709
to help me with that man stuff.

228
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,612
- Well...
- Pete, Pete,

229
00:10:10,646 --> 00:10:12,497
Pete. Don't fall for it.
I guess I-

230
00:10:12,531 --> 00:10:15,133
- it's a girl trick.
- Fine.

231
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:18,737
Forget you two.
Honey?

232
00:10:18,771 --> 00:10:20,956
Oh, really? You're gonna
let me hang like this?

233
00:10:20,990 --> 00:10:23,975
Even if we fix her stuff up now,
she can't take care of it.

234
00:10:23,993 --> 00:10:25,660
She'd be much better off
going to some condo

235
00:10:25,711 --> 00:10:27,879
where she can swear at people
who get paid to fix her stuff.

236
00:10:27,897 --> 00:10:29,064
But that's not what she wants.

237
00:10:29,098 --> 00:10:31,233
She wants to be in her house
and swear at us.

238
00:10:31,284 --> 00:10:34,052
I can't believe you're not gonna
help me help her have that.

239
00:10:37,123 --> 00:10:39,791
You know what?
God knows when you're naughty.

240
00:10:39,825 --> 00:10:40,759
That's Santa.

241
00:10:40,793 --> 00:10:42,160
Don't ruin my exit.

242
00:10:42,194 --> 00:10:44,027
God split a baby in half.

243
00:10:45,698 --> 00:10:49,584
Unbelievable.
No one wants to help.

244
00:10:59,111 --> 00:11:01,396
So!

245
00:11:01,447 --> 00:11:04,749
It wasn't my pot in there
after all... it was yours.

246
00:11:04,784 --> 00:11:06,584
It's medicinal.

247
00:11:06,602 --> 00:11:10,238
I have anxiety because
I have a mom who talks to God.

248
00:11:10,273 --> 00:11:13,074
You know,
I took so much fish oil

249
00:11:13,109 --> 00:11:15,210
when I was pregnant with you
to protect your brain cells.

250
00:11:15,261 --> 00:11:18,063
I would really hate it
if you killed them all off.

251
00:11:18,097 --> 00:11:20,115
- It's no big deal.
- Oh.

252
00:11:20,166 --> 00:11:22,350
- Everyone does it.
- Honey, it is a big deal.

253
00:11:22,385 --> 00:11:24,002
Do you not remember
what it was like in this house

254
00:11:24,036 --> 00:11:25,954
when I was partying?
How pathetic I was?

255
00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:28,089
Yeah, well,
I'm not going to be pathetic.

256
00:11:28,140 --> 00:11:30,825
No one sets out to be pathetic,
they just end up there,

257
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:32,276
and then they want
to get back to normal,

258
00:11:32,295 --> 00:11:33,428
and they can't find the map,

259
00:11:33,462 --> 00:11:34,912
and then they ask someone
for directions,

260
00:11:34,930 --> 00:11:36,714
and it turns out
to be Amanda Bynes!

261
00:11:36,732 --> 00:11:38,767
Would you just punish me
already?

262
00:11:38,818 --> 00:11:39,985
No, I don't want to punish you.

263
00:11:40,019 --> 00:11:42,153
Instead of you getting high

264
00:11:42,188 --> 00:11:45,440
to escape your mom, I want you
to get high with your mom.

265
00:11:45,474 --> 00:11:47,692
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

266
00:11:47,726 --> 00:11:49,727
- It's a metaphor, isn't it?
- It is.

267
00:11:49,745 --> 00:11:51,363
You are going to
experience the high

268
00:11:51,397 --> 00:11:53,498
of helping a neighbor in need.

269
00:11:53,532 --> 00:11:56,534
Well, that's not fair.
Dad doesn't even have to help!

270
00:11:56,568 --> 00:11:58,236
Well, dad wasn't just
caught with pot.

271
00:11:58,254 --> 00:12:00,755
No! Dad got caught
having an affair,

272
00:12:00,790 --> 00:12:03,541
which is arguably worse.
Are we doing this?

273
00:12:03,575 --> 00:12:06,544
- Wow, you're in?
- Well, it's not the 1800s,

274
00:12:06,578 --> 00:12:08,546
but I can't let my wife
do man's work.

275
00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:11,516
Come on.

276
00:12:21,851 --> 00:12:24,393
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure!

277
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,289
How do you know is God?

278
00:12:27,352 --> 00:12:29,537
Oh, wow.

279
00:12:29,571 --> 00:12:34,876
Um, I don't know, I just do.
I just... I just know.

280
00:12:34,877 --> 00:12:36,511
Oh, the faith argument?

281
00:12:36,545 --> 00:12:39,481
You God people always
pull that one out like it's...

282
00:12:39,515 --> 00:12:42,967
It's some justification
for no evidence whatsoever.

283
00:12:43,002 --> 00:12:45,720
- So you don't believe in God?
- Absolutely not.

284
00:12:45,754 --> 00:12:47,322
Emily!

285
00:12:47,356 --> 00:12:50,241
I'm on the fence too.
We should talk.

286
00:12:50,276 --> 00:12:51,443
So you think I'm crazy?

287
00:12:51,477 --> 00:12:54,612
Well, if you're not crazy,
then he is.

288
00:12:54,647 --> 00:12:57,849
So God allows wars, but he cares

289
00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:00,418
so deeply about humanity
that he's gonna reach down here

290
00:13:00,453 --> 00:13:02,170
and tell some drunk, white,
suburban mom

291
00:13:02,204 --> 00:13:03,722
to fix up
some smelly bitch's house?

292
00:13:03,773 --> 00:13:05,106
I'm right here.

293
00:13:05,141 --> 00:13:08,643
Oh! Sorry, Ruby.

294
00:13:08,677 --> 00:13:10,812
I don't have all the answers.

295
00:13:10,846 --> 00:13:14,215
I wish I did, but if you don't
want to believe, don't believe.

296
00:13:14,249 --> 00:13:16,717
I'm not going to force
my beliefs on you.

297
00:13:21,707 --> 00:13:23,424
Oh!
Are you okay?

298
00:13:23,442 --> 00:13:25,310
Is she going to make it, doc?

299
00:13:25,361 --> 00:13:27,445
Thankfully, yes,
and may I say,

300
00:13:27,496 --> 00:13:28,913
you are rocking
the thick neck look.

301
00:13:28,948 --> 00:13:31,666
Oh, you know, a good model
can sell anything with attitude.

302
00:13:33,068 --> 00:13:34,569
Seriously,
you're one lucky lady.

303
00:13:34,603 --> 00:13:36,421
- Lucky?
- Absolutely,

304
00:13:36,455 --> 00:13:38,089
to fall from that height
and walk away with a sprain,

305
00:13:38,124 --> 00:13:39,557
someone's looking out for you.

306
00:13:39,608 --> 00:13:41,142
- That was not literal.
- I didn't mean that literally.

307
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,510
- He didn't mean it literally.
- It's just an expression.

308
00:13:42,545 --> 00:13:45,146
Right, you said it.
You can't take it back now.

309
00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:47,515
All right. As your doctor,
I order you to rest.

310
00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:48,733
No climbing, no lifting,

311
00:13:48,784 --> 00:13:50,284
and as someone
who really wants gay neighbors,

312
00:13:50,302 --> 00:13:52,137
no helping horrible people
who smell like feet.

313
00:13:52,188 --> 00:13:53,822
She is not a horrible person.

314
00:13:53,856 --> 00:13:56,207
Still, isn't it possible
that you falling off the roof

315
00:13:56,242 --> 00:13:58,893
is a sign,
a sign saying to stop?

316
00:13:58,928 --> 00:14:00,478
A stop sign, if you will.

317
00:14:00,529 --> 00:14:02,163
- Thank you.
- Well,

318
00:14:02,198 --> 00:14:03,865
maybe I stuck my fat neck

319
00:14:03,899 --> 00:14:05,890
into the wrong person's
business.

320
00:14:09,905 --> 00:14:12,207
I just can't believe
I was so wrong.

321
00:14:12,241 --> 00:14:15,810
I can't believe that he/she
would lead me so far astray.

322
00:14:15,845 --> 00:14:17,696
It doesn't make any sense.

323
00:14:17,747 --> 00:14:19,331
- You know what makes sense?
- Huh?

324
00:14:19,365 --> 00:14:20,749
Pizza.

325
00:14:20,783 --> 00:14:23,969
It never disappoints.
It's always there for you.

326
00:14:25,988 --> 00:14:28,440
The gang's all here.
Hi, guys.

327
00:14:28,474 --> 00:14:29,958
All: Hey.
- What's going on?

328
00:14:29,992 --> 00:14:33,862
We are partying like it is
nineteen-ninety-no-more-Ruby.

329
00:14:33,896 --> 00:14:36,197
Yeah, we're finally gonna send
that disgusting old troll

330
00:14:36,231 --> 00:14:37,382
back under the bridge
where she belongs.

331
00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:39,517
- Mm!
- And our lives will be perfect.

332
00:14:39,552 --> 00:14:42,370
Seriously?
Your lives already are perfect.

333
00:14:42,405 --> 00:14:45,406
- Beth.
- Oh, come on. I mean...

334
00:14:45,424 --> 00:14:47,809
You have so many blessings.
You're gonna focus

335
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:50,912
on chasing this poor woman
out of her house?

336
00:14:50,946 --> 00:14:54,149
What are you do...
Jenna, you're a Bible person.

337
00:14:54,183 --> 00:14:57,268
I know it's wrong, but I like
that everyone's happy.

338
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,586
And let me tell you something,

339
00:14:58,621 --> 00:14:59,871
that woman might not be
the neighbor of the year,

340
00:14:59,922 --> 00:15:01,423
she might not have
the most beautiful house,

341
00:15:01,457 --> 00:15:03,341
and she might have
something seriously stinky

342
00:15:03,376 --> 00:15:04,626
going on with those feet,

343
00:15:04,660 --> 00:15:06,494
but let me tell you,
you know what?

344
00:15:06,512 --> 00:15:09,681
You know who used to hang out
with people with bad feet?

345
00:15:09,732 --> 00:15:12,083
Jesus.
Jenna, am I close?

346
00:15:12,118 --> 00:15:13,618
Lepers, yeah.

347
00:15:13,669 --> 00:15:19,057
And if I'm not mistaken,
Jesus was a carpenter.

348
00:15:19,091 --> 00:15:20,025
Jenna?

349
00:15:20,076 --> 00:15:21,543
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, two-for-two,

350
00:15:21,577 --> 00:15:26,681
so you don't cast any stones,
because as Jesus once said,

351
00:15:26,699 --> 00:15:28,166
"when you're looking
at the dark side,

352
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,435
careful you must be."

353
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:31,653
That's Yoda.

354
00:15:31,687 --> 00:15:33,405
Oh.

355
00:15:33,439 --> 00:15:37,458
"We are the music makers,
the dreamers of dreams."

356
00:15:37,476 --> 00:15:38,593
- No, that's...
- Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

357
00:15:38,627 --> 00:15:39,611
Willy Wonka!
Yeah.

358
00:15:39,645 --> 00:15:40,612
Damn it.

359
00:15:40,663 --> 00:15:42,163
The point is, you guys,

360
00:15:42,198 --> 00:15:44,883
you're looking at that house
and you're seeing an eyesore,

361
00:15:44,917 --> 00:15:46,217
and you should be
looking at the woman

362
00:15:46,252 --> 00:15:49,320
and seeing that
she is missing her husband.

363
00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:50,655
Come on.

364
00:15:50,690 --> 00:15:52,590
We're not meant
to go through this life alone.

365
00:15:52,625 --> 00:15:55,009
Maggie, you got elliott
to take out your garbage,

366
00:15:55,044 --> 00:15:59,347
and Jenna and Pete have
their clean-up day every month,

367
00:15:59,365 --> 00:16:01,466
and Ruby, all she's got

368
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,685
is a whole neighborhood
that's turning against her.

369
00:16:03,719 --> 00:16:05,270
I think we should really
look at that.

370
00:16:05,321 --> 00:16:07,672
I mean, come on,
who are we, guys?

371
00:16:07,707 --> 00:16:10,124
What is Honeysuckle Lane?
Is it a street

372
00:16:10,142 --> 00:16:11,976
that just looks good
from the outside,

373
00:16:12,027 --> 00:16:17,082
or is it a street that
feels good... from the inside?

374
00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:22,554
Excuse me.

375
00:16:22,588 --> 00:16:24,989
Did I overhear you say
you live on Honeysuckle Lane?

376
00:16:25,024 --> 00:16:26,107
You did.

377
00:16:26,141 --> 00:16:29,477
We love that street so much.

378
00:16:29,512 --> 00:16:30,879
Do you know of any homes
for sale there?

379
00:16:30,913 --> 00:16:33,815
- No, nope, no.
- Oh.

380
00:16:33,833 --> 00:16:35,216
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

381
00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:39,419
I'm a realtor.
Let me give you my card.

382
00:16:39,555 --> 00:16:42,824
- Jenna, Jenna, Jenna, no!
- The schools are fantastic.

383
00:16:42,858 --> 00:16:45,176
- Are you planning to adopt?
- Oh, we love that.

384
00:16:45,211 --> 00:16:47,278
They're spectacular.

385
00:16:49,331 --> 00:16:50,999
Well, you gave it
your best shot.

386
00:16:51,033 --> 00:16:52,967
Yeah, I guess.

387
00:16:53,002 --> 00:16:54,869
Hey, did I tell you
that I figured out

388
00:16:54,887 --> 00:16:56,421
why Ruby smells like feet?

389
00:16:56,472 --> 00:16:57,906
- Why?
- It's her feet.

390
00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,073
That was Pete's theory.

391
00:16:59,107 --> 00:17:00,408
We all thought
it was too simple.

392
00:17:00,426 --> 00:17:02,644
Uh, no, she got
something funky going on

393
00:17:02,678 --> 00:17:04,896
with that toenail.
I don't know. It's either, like,

394
00:17:04,930 --> 00:17:07,949
really ingrown
or looking to escape.

395
00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:11,586
I never thought about it before,
but when you get married,

396
00:17:11,604 --> 00:17:14,305
you agree to a certain level
of personal hygiene.

397
00:17:14,356 --> 00:17:16,207
Well, you gave it
some thought, since you got me

398
00:17:16,242 --> 00:17:17,742
that nose trimmer
on our anniversary.

399
00:17:17,793 --> 00:17:19,127
Well, you gave it thought,

400
00:17:19,161 --> 00:17:21,529
because you give me perfume
every Valentine's day,

401
00:17:21,547 --> 00:17:24,466
reminding me that I am not
supposed to smell like nature.

402
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,717
And thank you for wearing it

403
00:17:25,768 --> 00:17:27,485
those last two weeks
in February.

404
00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:29,570
Message received.

405
00:17:29,588 --> 00:17:31,840
I just...
I don't know what I'd do

406
00:17:31,874 --> 00:17:34,909
if I didn't have you to tell me
that I had food in my teeth

407
00:17:34,927 --> 00:17:38,530
or when I accidentally leave
that tiny piece of toilet paper

408
00:17:38,564 --> 00:17:39,631
in my lady parts.

409
00:17:39,665 --> 00:17:41,499
We promised
never to speak of that,

410
00:17:41,534 --> 00:17:44,335
- and yet, you spoke of it.
- I'm just grateful, Tom.

411
00:17:44,386 --> 00:17:47,589
I'm grateful
that you helped me out today,

412
00:17:47,623 --> 00:17:49,607
and I'm grateful
for all the days

413
00:17:49,642 --> 00:17:51,893
that you're close enough
to smell me.

414
00:17:51,927 --> 00:17:54,488
Okay, weirdo, get some rest.

415
00:18:13,956 --> 00:18:16,056
After failing
to rally the troops

416
00:18:16,057 --> 00:18:17,942
with my kick-ass sermon
to in the booth,

417
00:18:17,976 --> 00:18:21,433
I woke up feeling
pretty alone.

418
00:18:32,189 --> 00:18:34,190
I don't know
if I would describe

419
00:18:34,241 --> 00:18:37,243
what came next as a miracle,

420
00:18:37,278 --> 00:18:39,426
but it was miraculous.

421
00:18:46,921 --> 00:18:51,875
Oh, I cannot believe it.
You're all here.

422
00:18:51,926 --> 00:18:53,510
Honey, did you do this?

423
00:18:53,544 --> 00:18:58,331
No, this was all you.
Your speech was hot.

424
00:18:58,349 --> 00:19:00,266
I like seeing you
get passionate about old ladies.

425
00:19:00,301 --> 00:19:02,469
Your speech did something.

426
00:19:02,503 --> 00:19:04,804
When we got home last night,
Pete cleaned up the living room,

427
00:19:04,838 --> 00:19:06,890
and I gave him
three special kisses.

428
00:19:06,941 --> 00:19:08,725
Oh, Jenna.

429
00:19:08,776 --> 00:19:10,393
I was swayed
mostly by the Yoda part.

430
00:19:10,444 --> 00:19:12,562
You just ignited
my sense of competition.

431
00:19:12,613 --> 00:19:14,564
I want to be
a better samaritan than you.

432
00:19:14,615 --> 00:19:16,566
Yeah, welcome
to the race.

433
00:19:16,617 --> 00:19:18,568
You people gonna
jibber-jabber all day

434
00:19:18,619 --> 00:19:19,869
or finish the damned house?

435
00:19:19,904 --> 00:19:22,288
Yeah!
Stop your jibber-jabber!

436
00:19:22,323 --> 00:19:25,024
Finish the damned house!

437
00:19:25,042 --> 00:19:30,296
Oh. We did good.

438
00:19:30,331 --> 00:19:32,749
Yeah, you did.

439
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,802
You gonna get out of here,
or am I gonna get the hose?

440
00:19:39,706 --> 00:19:42,708
You want to come over
for a cup of coffee?

441
00:19:47,264 --> 00:19:50,266
I'd like that.

442
00:19:51,819 --> 00:19:53,854
Cool.

443
00:19:55,272 --> 00:19:58,179
Uh, you know what?
I could...

444
00:20:00,111 --> 00:20:02,618
I could help you
with that too.

445
00:20:05,916 --> 00:20:07,700
I learned
that being a good samaritan

446
00:20:07,734 --> 00:20:10,003
sometimes meant doing things
that didn't feel good,

447
00:20:10,037 --> 00:20:12,693
but you knew were right.

448
00:20:15,092 --> 00:20:17,516
Helping a neighbor in need,

449
00:20:18,345 --> 00:20:21,131
setting an example
for others to learn from,

450
00:20:21,182 --> 00:20:25,135
even if they weren't ready
to learn.

451
00:20:28,272 --> 00:20:32,392
Working on your marriage
through good times and bad,

452
00:20:32,426 --> 00:20:35,528
knowing that anything
that has grown ugly from neglect

453
00:20:35,563 --> 00:20:37,046
can be made beautiful again.

454
00:20:37,081 --> 00:20:40,800
You call me
anytime you need me, okay?

455
00:20:40,835 --> 00:20:43,937
You're not alone.

456
00:20:43,971 --> 00:20:48,057
You are a sweet girl.

457
00:20:48,092 --> 00:20:50,293
And to think my daughter
was trying to get me

458
00:20:50,327 --> 00:20:52,846
to move in with her in Florida.

459
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,399
To be honest,
the past few years,

460
00:20:56,434 --> 00:21:00,437
I've only held on to the house
to keep the gays from moving in.

461
00:21:01,077 --> 00:21:07,806
- sync and corrections by Zac -
- www.addic7ed.com -