1 00:00:02,929 --> 00:00:05,989 "It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:06,098 --> 00:00:09,295 "is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,669 --> 00:00:13,264 "But where are those good, old-fashioned values 4 00:00:13,372 --> 00:00:15,738 "on which we used to rely? 5 00:00:16,342 --> 00:00:19,175 "Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,612 --> 00:00:22,740 "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you 7 00:00:22,849 --> 00:00:24,476 "all the things that make us 8 00:00:24,617 --> 00:00:26,175 "laugh 'n' cry 9 00:00:26,285 --> 00:00:30,654 "He's a family guy" 10 00:00:34,227 --> 00:00:36,388 It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond... 11 00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:39,987 ...as six members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly... 12 00:00:40,099 --> 00:00:42,761 ...to save a fish's life trapped under the frozen ice. 13 00:00:42,869 --> 00:00:45,235 Rescue workers got the fish out of the water... 14 00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:47,568 ...but unfortunately it died shortly after. 15 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:49,474 Diane? 16 00:00:49,575 --> 00:00:51,975 Tom, another life was tragically cut short today. 17 00:00:52,078 --> 00:00:55,844 Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players... 18 00:00:55,948 --> 00:00:57,415 ...passed away this afternoon. 19 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:58,346 Oh, my God! 20 00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:02,919 Kimble was a hands-on director who often appeared in his own shows... 21 00:01:03,022 --> 00:01:04,751 ...most recently, Miss Saigon. 22 00:01:04,857 --> 00:01:07,348 "La la la la la, Miss Saigon 23 00:01:07,460 --> 00:01:10,088 "La la la la la, Miss Saigon" 24 00:01:10,596 --> 00:01:13,258 Yes, I just heard. It's so sad. 25 00:01:13,966 --> 00:01:14,955 Really? 26 00:01:15,234 --> 00:01:18,431 They want me to be the new artistic director of the Quahog Players! 27 00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:20,505 - All right, Mom! - Are you gonna do it? 28 00:01:20,606 --> 00:01:23,666 I don't know. It's such a big responsibility. 29 00:01:23,776 --> 00:01:25,300 I need a moment to think. 30 00:01:29,582 --> 00:01:31,209 Okay, I'll do it. 31 00:01:31,317 --> 00:01:35,947 This just in. Lois Griffin is named the new artistic director of the Quahog Players. 32 00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:38,888 All those years of paying my dues as musical director... 33 00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:41,391 ...under that old hack have finally paid off. 34 00:01:41,694 --> 00:01:43,059 Lois, congratulations. 35 00:01:43,162 --> 00:01:46,620 Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm. 36 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,199 And such an attractive one. 37 00:01:48,301 --> 00:01:50,997 Brian, you'll have to audition just like everyone else. 38 00:01:51,103 --> 00:01:52,400 God, of course. I... 39 00:01:52,505 --> 00:01:54,996 You didn't think... You thought I was... 40 00:01:55,107 --> 00:01:56,096 Lois! 41 00:01:56,208 --> 00:01:59,006 - I can paint scenery. - Can I be in the show, Mom? 42 00:01:59,111 --> 00:02:02,410 Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries... 43 00:02:02,515 --> 00:02:04,540 ...because nobody finds her attractive. 44 00:02:06,218 --> 00:02:08,880 - Hey, you guys. - Peter, guess what? I am gonna... 45 00:02:08,988 --> 00:02:12,048 Me first! Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea... 46 00:02:12,158 --> 00:02:14,888 ...for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus. 47 00:02:14,994 --> 00:02:17,326 Hey, Dad, why don't you invent the Frisbee? 48 00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:18,761 That's an awesome toy. 49 00:02:18,864 --> 00:02:22,027 - It's already been invented. - Then how come I never heard of it? 50 00:02:22,234 --> 00:02:25,431 This is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company! 51 00:02:25,738 --> 00:02:27,399 Sorry, Lois. What's your news? 52 00:02:27,506 --> 00:02:28,598 Well, I... 53 00:02:33,245 --> 00:02:35,645 Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board... 54 00:02:35,748 --> 00:02:38,216 ...may I present this year's hottest toy... 55 00:02:38,317 --> 00:02:39,978 ...Mr. Zucchini Head. 56 00:02:40,319 --> 00:02:45,188 He's got stupid cool hip-hop style with his little hat and his Doc Martens. 57 00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,823 Thank you, Peter, that's enough. 58 00:02:47,927 --> 00:02:50,657 Wait. This is the best part! He dances! 59 00:02:51,263 --> 00:02:53,163 I've seen enough. Inappropriate. 60 00:02:53,265 --> 00:02:54,698 I haven't had sex in ages. 61 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:57,166 Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. 62 00:02:57,269 --> 00:02:59,567 Peter is an adequate assembly-line worker... 63 00:02:59,672 --> 00:03:03,301 ...but you'll be happy to know our company does not pay him to think. 64 00:03:06,412 --> 00:03:07,674 I'll take this. 65 00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:09,114 No calls. 66 00:03:11,417 --> 00:03:14,614 Come on, kids! The director can't be late for the auditions. 67 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,779 You should've heard them laughing at me. 68 00:03:16,889 --> 00:03:20,086 I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. 69 00:03:20,192 --> 00:03:23,684 Except that guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine. 70 00:03:23,796 --> 00:03:26,959 Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. 71 00:03:27,066 --> 00:03:29,591 Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. 72 00:03:29,702 --> 00:03:32,227 Herman Melville was a customs agent. 73 00:03:32,605 --> 00:03:35,039 Albert Einstein worked for the patent office. 74 00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:38,205 And what is it you want to patent, Herr Smith? 75 00:03:38,310 --> 00:03:40,676 I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity." 76 00:03:41,814 --> 00:03:43,304 - Hey, look at this. - What? 77 00:03:47,319 --> 00:03:49,048 I think Lois is saying that... 78 00:03:49,155 --> 00:03:51,988 ...you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. 79 00:03:52,091 --> 00:03:56,960 For example, Chris has his drawing, Meg does her birdcalls, I sing beautifully. 80 00:03:57,463 --> 00:03:58,589 So I've heard. 81 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,426 And Lois has her theater group. 82 00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:04,025 Yes. And for my first production, I've chosen The King and I. 83 00:04:04,136 --> 00:04:07,105 It's a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman... 84 00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:11,404 ...who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric, patriarchal... 85 00:04:11,677 --> 00:04:14,202 Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch. 86 00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:16,447 Look, I have to go. 87 00:04:16,549 --> 00:04:19,882 Part of being creative is figuring out what you're good at. 88 00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:22,647 I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. 89 00:04:22,755 --> 00:04:26,851 You're right. Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks. 90 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,393 It works! Look how tiny they are! 91 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:40,569 "Oh, no not in springtime 92 00:04:40,673 --> 00:04:45,667 "summer, winter, or fall 93 00:04:49,348 --> 00:04:54,308 "No, never would I leave you 94 00:04:55,421 --> 00:04:58,390 "at all" 95 00:04:58,557 --> 00:04:59,546 Bravo! 96 00:04:59,658 --> 00:05:03,116 Brian, that was beautiful! Thank you! 97 00:05:03,229 --> 00:05:04,719 No, thank you. 98 00:05:04,897 --> 00:05:09,095 And that note you gave me, "louder," I was thinking that, and then you said it. 99 00:05:09,201 --> 00:05:12,728 You're so intuitive. It's a pleasure... Okay. Next! 100 00:05:14,039 --> 00:05:17,475 Stewie, do you want to try out for Mommy's play? 101 00:05:20,646 --> 00:05:25,606 "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York. 102 00:05:26,051 --> 00:05:29,111 - "And all..." - Why don't you sing Itsy Bitsy Spider? 103 00:05:29,722 --> 00:05:33,055 How dare you reduce my finely hewn thespian stylings... 104 00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:34,786 ...to mere Mother Gooseries! 105 00:05:35,261 --> 00:05:37,024 Sing Baa Baa Black Sheep! 106 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:41,327 Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said: 107 00:05:41,934 --> 00:05:43,799 "I'm going to kill you!" 108 00:05:43,903 --> 00:05:46,565 Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent? 109 00:05:46,672 --> 00:05:48,162 Peter, what are you doing here? 110 00:05:48,274 --> 00:05:51,266 Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. 111 00:05:51,377 --> 00:05:52,776 First I took an art class. 112 00:05:53,913 --> 00:05:56,541 Am I supposed to draw the penis? 113 00:05:57,082 --> 00:05:58,549 Then I tried sculpting. 114 00:05:59,685 --> 00:06:02,586 Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? 115 00:06:02,688 --> 00:06:03,882 Then I tried music. 116 00:06:05,257 --> 00:06:08,158 Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? 117 00:06:08,260 --> 00:06:10,751 I started to think there was nothing I'd be good at. 118 00:06:10,863 --> 00:06:12,694 But then I realized that this is it. 119 00:06:12,865 --> 00:06:15,925 Lois, my penis belongs on stage. 120 00:06:16,035 --> 00:06:19,630 Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing, dance. 121 00:06:20,873 --> 00:06:21,862 I get it. 122 00:06:24,109 --> 00:06:25,235 Hello, everybody. 123 00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:28,711 This is just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director. 124 00:06:31,050 --> 00:06:32,517 Five, six, seven, eight. 125 00:06:33,719 --> 00:06:37,712 "Marshall, Will, and Holly, on a routine expedition 126 00:06:37,823 --> 00:06:41,953 "Met the greatest earthquake ever known 127 00:06:42,228 --> 00:06:46,392 "High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft 128 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:51,728 "And plunged them down a thousand feet below 129 00:06:52,137 --> 00:06:56,198 "to the Land of the Lost" 130 00:07:02,481 --> 00:07:04,083 Before I post the cast list... 131 00:07:04,183 --> 00:07:07,812 ...my choreographer and I want to thank everyone for auditioning. 132 00:07:07,953 --> 00:07:10,251 - You were all great. - Weren't they? 133 00:07:10,422 --> 00:07:13,050 I only wish the show was called The King and Us... 134 00:07:13,158 --> 00:07:14,625 ...so I could cast you all. 135 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:26,633 Anna! Baby, baby! I'm a star! 136 00:07:26,939 --> 00:07:29,806 Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. 137 00:07:30,276 --> 00:07:32,938 Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once... 138 00:07:33,145 --> 00:07:36,273 ...but then we later found out it wasn't actually her. 139 00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:40,282 Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts! 140 00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:43,984 You wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie? 141 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,215 To hell with you! 142 00:07:45,524 --> 00:07:48,118 Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films! 143 00:07:50,829 --> 00:07:53,354 - Hello. - What is that on your ear? 144 00:07:53,499 --> 00:07:55,626 Is that hair gel? 145 00:07:56,769 --> 00:07:58,669 - Yeah. - Great, 'cause I could use some. 146 00:07:58,771 --> 00:08:00,864 - No, don't! - I just ran out. 147 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:08,208 Man! Chorus! Shoot, what a gyp! 148 00:08:08,314 --> 00:08:12,216 The King of Siam? Why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected! 149 00:08:12,318 --> 00:08:13,683 Hey, shut up! 150 00:08:14,753 --> 00:08:17,483 The King of Siam? Why, that's the lead! 151 00:08:17,589 --> 00:08:20,820 Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not "The King." 152 00:08:20,993 --> 00:08:22,984 I'm not "I," I'm not anybody. 153 00:08:23,662 --> 00:08:26,597 - So, what? I had sex with you for nothing? - No, Peter, I... 154 00:08:26,699 --> 00:08:29,896 It's just that directing this show is a big opportunity for me... 155 00:08:30,002 --> 00:08:32,129 ...and I don't want anything to ruin it. 156 00:08:32,237 --> 00:08:33,670 - Ruin it? - Yes. 157 00:08:33,806 --> 00:08:36,468 By not using you to your full potential. 158 00:08:36,775 --> 00:08:39,107 You have too much talent for the stage. 159 00:08:39,211 --> 00:08:41,008 You should... 160 00:08:43,248 --> 00:08:44,738 You should be a producer. 161 00:08:44,850 --> 00:08:46,784 A producer? Gee, I don't know. 162 00:08:48,921 --> 00:08:51,617 Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr. 163 00:08:51,757 --> 00:08:55,420 We made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever! 164 00:08:55,861 --> 00:08:57,294 I'm the king of the... 165 00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:01,488 Damn it! 166 00:09:11,577 --> 00:09:13,807 I love Mexicans. I'll do it! 167 00:09:19,118 --> 00:09:21,814 Hang on, hang on! You overextended the plié! 168 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,081 You screwed it all up. Let me show you again. 169 00:09:24,923 --> 00:09:27,187 Okay, boys! Let's do it! 170 00:09:27,626 --> 00:09:29,651 And one, two, three. 171 00:09:29,762 --> 00:09:32,595 And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, two, three. 172 00:09:33,332 --> 00:09:36,859 Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole. 173 00:09:37,069 --> 00:09:40,630 Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin. 174 00:09:40,806 --> 00:09:43,366 There is no talking penguin in The King and I. 175 00:09:43,475 --> 00:09:46,137 There is in "Peter Griffin presents The King and I." 176 00:09:46,245 --> 00:09:47,212 What? 177 00:09:47,312 --> 00:09:49,906 Now we gotta think of some funny stuff for him to say. 178 00:09:50,015 --> 00:09:53,746 Peter, the director decides whether or not to add a character. 179 00:09:53,952 --> 00:09:55,681 You're the producer, remember? 180 00:09:55,788 --> 00:09:58,120 What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? 181 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,384 Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? 182 00:10:00,492 --> 00:10:02,392 'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois. 183 00:10:02,494 --> 00:10:06,055 Good producers put their ideas to work outside the theater. 184 00:10:06,165 --> 00:10:09,464 It's your job to make sure we sell every seat in this house. 185 00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:11,866 - And that's creative? - Is it? 186 00:10:11,970 --> 00:10:14,768 Well, it's just the most creative job there is. 187 00:10:14,873 --> 00:10:17,171 Don't you worry, Lois. I'll get the word out. 188 00:10:17,276 --> 00:10:19,676 I'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends... 189 00:10:19,778 --> 00:10:21,905 ...and that's, like, 10 people right there. 190 00:10:26,718 --> 00:10:28,948 Hey, I recognize you from the television. 191 00:10:29,054 --> 00:10:31,614 You're Tom Tucker. I bet you can do this. 192 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,593 Excuse me? You. Get out of here! 193 00:10:37,696 --> 00:10:40,460 Get out of here! Go on, get out of here! 194 00:10:43,802 --> 00:10:47,294 - Wow! Diane Simmons! - You don't look anything like the ad. 195 00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:52,106 - You better be huge. - No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. 196 00:10:52,211 --> 00:10:55,112 I'm presenting "Peter Griffin presents The King and l"... 197 00:10:55,214 --> 00:10:58,615 ...a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story. 198 00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:01,743 Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn't news. 199 00:11:01,854 --> 00:11:02,843 Who's the star? 200 00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:06,186 For that matter, who the hell are you, and why should I give a damn? 201 00:11:06,692 --> 00:11:09,490 Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons! 202 00:11:10,696 --> 00:11:12,960 Well, Lois, you told me to produce, and I did. 203 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,395 I got us a story on the 11:00 news. 204 00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:17,298 - Really? - Peter. 205 00:11:17,436 --> 00:11:20,371 Our top story tonight. I will be playing the role of Anna... 206 00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:23,202 ...in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. 207 00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,502 - Tom? - Thanks, Diane. 208 00:11:24,610 --> 00:11:28,102 In other news, I'm not going to the play because I'm sure it'll be lousy. 209 00:11:28,213 --> 00:11:31,307 I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case. 210 00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:34,852 Bit of breaking news. We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? 211 00:11:35,821 --> 00:11:39,018 But Loretta's playing Anna, and she's doing a great job. 212 00:11:39,124 --> 00:11:41,888 Loretta's a nobody. Diane Simmons is a star. 213 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,019 You wanted me to sell tickets, right? 214 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,689 People who've never been in a theater will come see Diane Simmons. 215 00:11:47,799 --> 00:11:50,393 I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter. 216 00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:53,903 Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn. 217 00:11:54,006 --> 00:11:58,602 Today's weather calls for breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... 218 00:11:59,144 --> 00:12:01,044 Get that camera out of my face! 219 00:12:04,650 --> 00:12:06,845 Hey, everybody, here's our star! 220 00:12:06,985 --> 00:12:08,213 This is so awkward. 221 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,084 You all know my name, and I've never heard of any of you. 222 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:14,681 - You ever acted before, honey? - I did an independent film in college. 223 00:12:44,089 --> 00:12:48,048 Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king. 224 00:12:48,694 --> 00:12:52,755 - Are you playing Lady Thiang? - I was supposed to be Anna. 225 00:12:53,265 --> 00:12:56,996 They did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful. 226 00:12:57,102 --> 00:12:59,900 Okay, let's go from the top of Scene 7. 227 00:13:00,138 --> 00:13:01,127 Action! 228 00:13:01,273 --> 00:13:05,334 "Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him. 229 00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:10,681 "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him." 230 00:13:10,782 --> 00:13:12,340 Cut! All wrong! No good! 231 00:13:12,451 --> 00:13:14,646 Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful. 232 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:15,617 My ass. 233 00:13:15,721 --> 00:13:17,382 Besides, I'm the director. 234 00:13:17,489 --> 00:13:19,389 It just doesn't feel real, you know? 235 00:13:19,491 --> 00:13:21,959 Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? 236 00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:24,858 On Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband"... 237 00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:28,228 ...and these two women bitch-slapped each other. The crowd went nuts. 238 00:13:28,333 --> 00:13:31,461 - Loretta, why don't you try slapping Diane? - I think I can do that. 239 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,197 Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. 240 00:13:34,306 --> 00:13:37,434 This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV! 241 00:13:37,542 --> 00:13:39,635 I think Peter may be onto something. 242 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,372 Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows. 243 00:13:42,514 --> 00:13:43,515 - I don't know. - I thought you wanted to do a good show? 244 00:13:43,515 --> 00:13:45,449 - I don't know. - I thought you wanted to do a good show? 245 00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:48,383 If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent? 246 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,815 I guess we can try that... - Action! 247 00:13:52,224 --> 00:13:56,024 Come on, Lois. Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippie, you know? 248 00:13:56,128 --> 00:13:59,291 I thought we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants. 249 00:13:59,398 --> 00:14:02,367 They didn't have capri pants in the 1860s. 250 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,264 They did now! 251 00:14:04,369 --> 00:14:07,668 You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater... 252 00:14:07,773 --> 00:14:09,400 ...since Andrew Lloyd Webber! 253 00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:13,039 And you! I just plain don't like you! 254 00:14:17,015 --> 00:14:18,243 What's going on? 255 00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:21,547 We're just having a little pow-wow to discuss my latest changes. 256 00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:22,915 What changes? 257 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:26,552 The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children. 258 00:14:27,025 --> 00:14:28,652 They're aliens! 259 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,155 That was great. On the money. 260 00:14:31,263 --> 00:14:32,730 Isn't he brilliant? 261 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:36,767 No! He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant! 262 00:14:36,868 --> 00:14:41,305 And I want to do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes! 263 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,498 We sold out! 264 00:14:42,607 --> 00:14:45,371 Yeah. The whole town's talking about your show, Dad! 265 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:49,143 Your show? Peter, this is my show! 266 00:14:49,247 --> 00:14:51,841 What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out, and we did. 267 00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:53,383 I am through selling out. 268 00:14:53,485 --> 00:14:56,613 I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful... 269 00:14:56,722 --> 00:14:58,417 ...and you've completely destroyed that! 270 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,287 You want to be the director? Fine! I quit! 271 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,691 Me, direct? 272 00:15:04,096 --> 00:15:07,088 I don't know what to say, except, "I'm the king of the..." 273 00:15:10,502 --> 00:15:12,766 Morning, theater fans! 274 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,840 Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast. 275 00:15:16,975 --> 00:15:19,034 - What the hell is this? - French toast. 276 00:15:19,144 --> 00:15:22,011 I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. 277 00:15:22,114 --> 00:15:23,911 I think it's a lot better now. 278 00:15:24,116 --> 00:15:27,108 Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno. 279 00:15:27,853 --> 00:15:30,822 It is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. 280 00:15:30,922 --> 00:15:35,154 Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material... 281 00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:36,522 ...and he's charming. 282 00:15:36,628 --> 00:15:40,359 Face it, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours. 283 00:15:40,465 --> 00:15:42,865 I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. 284 00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:46,335 That doesn't make them good. I was trying to make art. 285 00:15:46,872 --> 00:15:47,896 Art-schmart. 286 00:15:48,006 --> 00:15:50,201 Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter... 287 00:15:50,308 --> 00:15:51,639 ...they'll produce Shakespeare. 288 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,803 Let's see. "A something by any other name..." 289 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,439 - "Carnation," "peony." - No, they did that on last week's Marlowe. 290 00:15:58,550 --> 00:16:00,814 - What about "daisy"? - "Chrysanthemum"! 291 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,854 - "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"? - Did you say "rose"? 292 00:16:03,955 --> 00:16:05,582 - Yeah, "rose." - "Rose" is good! 293 00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:08,557 - "A rose by any other name." That works. - I like that a lot. 294 00:16:08,660 --> 00:16:10,560 - Moving on. - What about "tulip"? 295 00:16:10,662 --> 00:16:12,095 "Rose" is fine. Moving on. 296 00:16:12,197 --> 00:16:14,893 Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life! 297 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,060 That's not true. I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities. 298 00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,535 No, you didn't. 299 00:16:21,173 --> 00:16:22,936 You win this round, Lois. 300 00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:26,533 You're not being creative. You're just destroying a wonderful show. 301 00:16:26,645 --> 00:16:31,514 I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m. 302 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,811 The only thing you create before 9:00 a. M... 303 00:16:33,919 --> 00:16:36,183 ...is exactly what you've turned my show into. 304 00:16:36,354 --> 00:16:38,549 I think my work will speak for itself. 305 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,126 I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois. 306 00:16:49,434 --> 00:16:51,197 Okay, let's run this scene again. 307 00:16:51,303 --> 00:16:55,205 Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night... 308 00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:57,241 ...looking for the fight of her life. 309 00:16:57,342 --> 00:16:59,936 - Where does it say that? - In my noodle. 310 00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:02,644 Okay, places. And action! 311 00:17:08,587 --> 00:17:12,387 Stop! All wrong! All wrong! God, send me dancers. 312 00:17:12,557 --> 00:17:15,048 We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted! 313 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,594 I'm sorry, but we open this show in three hours... 314 00:17:17,696 --> 00:17:19,095 ...and I don't think we're ready! 315 00:17:19,197 --> 00:17:21,495 No, we're not! You keep changing everything! 316 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,830 You bet I do! Because theater is alive. 317 00:17:23,935 --> 00:17:26,802 It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs... 318 00:17:26,905 --> 00:17:29,897 ...and you're not man enough to satisfy her! 319 00:17:30,041 --> 00:17:33,636 - I can't work this way. I quit! - Fine. 320 00:17:33,745 --> 00:17:37,772 - We can't do The King and I without Anna. - Yeah. This is a real snafu. 321 00:17:37,883 --> 00:17:41,478 We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. 322 00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:43,451 Someone radiant and sassy... 323 00:17:43,555 --> 00:17:45,750 ...with the soul and passion that can only come... 324 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:48,223 ...from hundreds of years of black oppression. 325 00:17:48,326 --> 00:17:50,658 Thank you, Peter. I'll do it. 326 00:17:50,762 --> 00:17:52,696 Get over yourself. I was talking about me. 327 00:17:55,233 --> 00:17:57,633 Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio. 328 00:17:57,736 --> 00:17:59,761 Two minutes, everybody. 329 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:02,597 Jeez, full house. 330 00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:06,310 Look who came crawling back. 331 00:18:06,745 --> 00:18:08,645 Peter, have you seen my wheelchair? 332 00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:09,872 I don't get it, Mom. 333 00:18:09,981 --> 00:18:13,542 If you're mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why'd you come to opening night? 334 00:18:13,652 --> 00:18:16,086 I came because I love the theater. 335 00:18:16,187 --> 00:18:19,350 If I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated... 336 00:18:19,457 --> 00:18:23,086 ...when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town... 337 00:18:23,194 --> 00:18:25,185 ...what kind of person would I be? 338 00:18:25,830 --> 00:18:26,797 A bitch. 339 00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:30,828 Siam, 2015 AD. 340 00:18:31,336 --> 00:18:35,102 The city lies in ruins after the ninth nuclear World War. 341 00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:39,637 It is a grim future with lots of explosions and partial nudity. 342 00:18:39,844 --> 00:18:43,075 A future where an oppressive new king has seized power. 343 00:18:43,181 --> 00:18:45,046 Only one man can stop him. 344 00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:47,209 No, one machine. 345 00:18:48,053 --> 00:18:51,420 I am an Automaton Nuclear Neo-human Android. 346 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,784 You may call me ANNA. 347 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,458 I am a robot ninja from the planet England... 348 00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:59,859 ...who is here to destroy you and free this land from your tyranny. 349 00:19:00,031 --> 00:19:04,331 I have been expecting you, ANNA. Let me introduce my Siamese children. 350 00:19:07,472 --> 00:19:11,067 I will not be swayed by your attempts to confuse my programming... 351 00:19:11,176 --> 00:19:13,610 ...with your all-female sex orgy. 352 00:19:14,245 --> 00:19:16,736 - We must kung fu fight! - So be it, ANNA. 353 00:19:23,054 --> 00:19:25,147 I have slain the evil emperor. 354 00:19:25,256 --> 00:19:29,590 I hereby proclaim Siam the United States of America. 355 00:19:29,894 --> 00:19:31,657 "ANNA rules 356 00:19:31,863 --> 00:19:35,264 "Because I kicked all the bad guys in their jewels 357 00:19:35,934 --> 00:19:37,629 "ANNA won 358 00:19:37,869 --> 00:19:40,770 "Thanks to my gamma-ray atomic gun 359 00:19:41,940 --> 00:19:43,202 "Dance and shout 360 00:19:43,775 --> 00:19:47,108 "'He's the world's greatest ninja, there's no doubt 361 00:19:47,912 --> 00:19:49,743 "Though they tried to defeat me 362 00:19:49,848 --> 00:19:51,713 "they can all just freakin' eat me 363 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:55,616 "Because he blew all of us away 364 00:19:55,754 --> 00:19:59,520 "In the planet of Siam, there's no one as tough as I am 365 00:19:59,624 --> 00:20:02,752 "Just as surely as Paul Lynde was gay" 366 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:10,399 Oh, my God! They liked it? 367 00:20:14,039 --> 00:20:17,941 Stop it! Stop clapping right now! What's wrong with you? 368 00:20:18,043 --> 00:20:21,012 These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! 369 00:20:21,112 --> 00:20:23,637 That man has committed murder here this evening... 370 00:20:23,748 --> 00:20:25,716 ...and the victim's name is "theater." 371 00:20:25,817 --> 00:20:28,012 This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock... 372 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:30,849 ...that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! 373 00:20:30,955 --> 00:20:33,788 This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! 374 00:20:33,892 --> 00:20:35,917 This blows! 375 00:21:03,588 --> 00:21:06,523 See? This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about. 376 00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:11,785 - How was the cast party? - We're a hit. 377 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:15,491 Man, what a night. I got to see my ideas come to life. 378 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,625 It's the greatest feeling in the world. 379 00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:20,761 - Yeah, I bet it is. - And it's all thanks to you. 380 00:21:21,072 --> 00:21:23,267 I never would've discovered I could be creative... 381 00:21:23,374 --> 00:21:24,739 ...if you hadn't believed in me. 382 00:21:24,843 --> 00:21:28,301 Actually I didn't really, not at first. 383 00:21:28,446 --> 00:21:32,974 But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into that is... 384 00:21:33,518 --> 00:21:35,782 ...well, he's gotta be creative. 385 00:21:36,788 --> 00:21:40,019 Yeah, Lois, sorry I took your show away from you... 386 00:21:40,125 --> 00:21:43,925 ...but I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you get your chance next year. 387 00:21:44,028 --> 00:21:47,657 It'll be "Peter Griffin presents a Lois Griffin production." 388 00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:49,930 - Okay, honey? - Deal. 389 00:21:54,072 --> 00:21:55,699 Were you there when I farted?