'but it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids, who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of 'em reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
Run for it!
'Fiona , who's a massive help.
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
'lan's like his mam. Handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
'Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
'One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love him.
'Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
'Check your change, but she'll always do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star.
'Once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve - Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there! Not!
'Fantastic neighbours, Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything... Well, not anything.
'But all of 'em, to a man, know first and foremost
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
is they know how to throw a party!
'Heh heh heh heh! Scatter!'
(Fiona) 'You know when you drop a pen and know where you dropped it,
'but it's just not there?
'That's how Mum vanished. Went for a loaf, never seen since.
'Dad did a superb job of taking on the role of both our parents.
'Did sod all, twice over!'
(Door opening and closing)
'You'd think that two times zero would be no loss at all,
'but l think that old saying's true.
'You don't know what you've got till it's gone.'
- Lip, kettle, come on. - l'll do that.
- lt's all right. You sit down. - (Cheering) Hey-hey, food!
- Who's no vinegar? - (Carl) Me!
Er, fish? Batter?
Me!
Come on, shift up, make room for t'little 'un. Oi.
Only if you finish your chips. Come on. Er, who's this?
- Karen. - Hi, Karen. Nice top. What size are you?
Shhhhh!
Shut up!
Billy, have a drink.
Go on, have one!
Jez, pint of Dog.
(Football on television)
(Shouting encouragement)
When you're ready.
(TV) 'Blair came to power promising to redress Britain's position on poverty.
'The debates today
'could affect the way one in three of families live for the worse...'
(Cheering)
Let the dog see the rabbit, mate.
''Four kids and half a wage!
''What am l supposed to do if they cut the single parent benefit by 30%/%?''
- All right, Frank? Are you OK? - ls that my T-shirt?
- Yeah. - l...l just meant...what happened?
- (Screaming) - Jesus, Frank!
A bloke said to pass it on. Wants you to keep your dick away from his daughter!
- You're pissed, Frank! Don't do this! -This is pissed?!
- Leave it! Just go! - Debbie, no!
- Get him out of here now! - You're pathetic!
Reckon you're a big lad now, Steve?
- Just go! - He's shitting hisself!
- You're a total waste of organs! - l mean it, Steve, get out now!
You should've twatted him back.
- lf l ever do that, l'll kill him. - So? Seven years for murder?
Get laid as often as you want, tattoos, everything.
Gay heaven.
Oh!
(Whistling to himself)
- How's it going, Conrad? - Not so bad.
- Shirley any better? - Still pissed off about being sectioned.
Once we got me mam in there, she looked 10 years younger.
- What ward's she on? - 16.
She'll look about 30 years younger, then. Zzzzz!
(Veronica) Looks sore. How many stitches?
Seven. Cheese knife.
- Oh, Conrad. - Oh, l'll live.
Not if Shirley ever gets out!
(Conrad laughs) See you later.
Cheers, gorgeous.
(Conrad) # l'm horny Horny, horny, horny tonight
♪ l'm horny, horny, horny, horny tonight
♪ l'm horny, horny, horny, horny tonight ♪
''Sampson Pickle turned to his mum with a tear in his eye and said...
(All) '''You don't know what you've got till it's gone!'''
- Ugh! - Oh-oh!
(Fiona and children) 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone!
'You don't know what you've got till it's gone!
'You don't know what you've got till it's gone!'
- Evening, campers! - Hey-hey, how yer doin'? You all right?
Not bad. Bet you hate it when that happens!
They're his tits. lt's the only reason he does eggs. He just licked that one.
With a stonking abscess so a bit more protein than you banked on, Steve!
- Hiya. - (Kids) Ughhh!
- Sorry about last night. - Hey, Brooklyn Beckham's the yardstick.
Never apologise for your parents. So you can get rid of this.
- Has anyone seen Dad since last night? - He was asleep behind the settee.
lt's a tent.
Why have we got a bleedin' tent behind the settee?
- Drying it. l'm off camping next week. - Boom-boom!
l thought it was Dad.
l left him a cup of tea this morning.
l thought l heard him say, ''Thanks, Debs.''
Hang on tight, hang on tight!
Sorry.
- Came in the back way. - You're not the only one.
Kev, was me dad in The Jockey this afternoon?
This afty? No.
- Did he come back to the pub last night? - Er...
(Kev) Footy till nine, pub quiz till ten, scrapping by half-past...
police turned up...and, yeah, Frank were there, but he was slaughtered.
l mean...slaughtered.
Thanks.
Go on, Kev! Go on, hang on! You hang on! We're going to the moon!
Hey, Ted, it's Lip. Seen me dad?
No, since Diana died!
Hiya, Wendy, Veronica. Cleaning services.
- ..just worried about him. - Well, ex-cleaning services.
- Eric, it's Lip... - ..Carol's daughter, Kev's girlfriend.
Bought your Sky box off you so you could go to Magaluf.
Hiya. Did you have any admissions through casualty? Name of Gallagher.
Black hair, blue eyes, scruffy, bit mental.
Couldn't check the computer for us, Wendy? Cheers.
(Wendy) 'Hello? Veronica?
'Hello?
'Are you there? Veronica?'
Wendy? Oh, Wendy, hiya.
Oh, you haven't? Never mind. Thanks, anyway.
No? Aw, do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?
Oi! What is your problem?!
Needing to ring the bookie's 'fore l go to work! No phone! Mobile vanished!
l lent it to Lip so he could ring and see if anybody knew where Frank was.
- Both my bills being run up next door?! - Your bills? Hello!
- Why don't they get a friggin' phone? - No friggin' money!
- Me neither at this rate, V! - You tight-arsed gimp!
Frank is missing and you need to see somebody!
Normal blokes fall asleep after sex, but not Kev!
lf it makes you this narky, forget it! Forget sex cos l am sick of this!
Freak!
- Can't file Frank as a missing person. - Why not?
- He's always missing. - That is what l said.
- What if he's just kipped at a mate's? - He hasn't.
- Who'd give him a bed? He just hasn't. - We've found him in wheely-bins before.
- Never on a Friday. - What's Friday got to do with it?
Giro day. l hadn't realised it were a Friday.
Best get the desk sergeant. What was Frank wearing?
Shove it up your arse! No more favours like filling in fake insurance claims
cos you're too thick to do it!
Whoa, Lip, Lip! Wait!
Lip, whoa, whoa! Look, look, look, he can't be far. He's never far.
l know, but it's Friday.
Oh, right!
Oh, Jesus! Jez, was Frank on his tod when we turfed him out last night?
Name one person who'd be seen dead with him in that state.
Steve had shot off by then so he definitely wasn't...
- Steve? - Anyone seen Frank since last night?
- Which Steve? - Steve Steve, Fiona's bloke.
- What, in here? - Yeah, talking to your dad.
Pleasant enough. Well before closing time.
(TV) 'We go to Bury Street where police have found the body
'of an as yet unidentified person floating in the water.
'lt was discovered at around 1 1 .30am by a local man...'
ls that Bury Street Bridge?
l broke me collarbone falling down them steps
after me very first taste of another woman's tongue.
Ashley's mum...saw...saw... somebody...in... (Sobbing)
- Again, Debbie. - Ashley's mum...
..saw somebody...in the canal... this afternoon.
Stupid cow, telling her that!
lt won't be him. The police would know by now.
- l will deck that bleedin' woman! - l owe her a smack for that curtain rail!
Does that even sound like your dad?
Why would he walk towards the canal if he lives in the opposite direction?
Depends. How was he looking when you left him in The Jockey, Steve?
- When? - Er...about nine-ish.
l went to apologise for the barney, bought him a drink, made friends.
- Then l shot off home. - Why didn't you say?
lt was only for half an hour, tops. How's that helpful?
Kev, when l left The Jockey, was Frank bladdered or not?
No. Can l borrow you for a sec?
(lncomprehensible shouting)
(News vendor shouting incomprehensibly)
lt's all right.
(Fiona) Oh, Jesus!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
(Crowd groaning) (Man) What's going on?
(Man) That's just sick!
(Man) Sick bastards!
Police PR stunt puts shits up t'public! Police PR stunt puts shits up t'public!
How low can you stoop? Police PR stunt puts shits up t'public!
Manchester Mail!
(Police cheering) Good one!
(Flies buzzing)
(Groaning)
Oh, my 'ead!
Hey, have you got the time on yer?
Got the time?
Got the time on yer?
Fine, right, fuck yer!
- (Dog whining) - (Liquid trickling)
Fuck off!
Maybe l've had a stroke.
'Last l remember, l'm walking up Belvedere Road.
'Paddy Keans is going, ''Night, Frank.'' l go, ''Night, Paddy.'''
This is beyond me. How the fuck did you all get here?
(Speaks French)
(Frank) l haven't a clue how l got here.
What?
You're not listening to a word, are you?
l haven't got a passport.
l've never had a passport.
l don't want a passport.
- That's a Manchester accent, non? - Who said that?
(Man with French accent) Cheadle Hulme, five years, mid-'80s.
Oh, man, thank you! Tell... Just tell him, will you? Just tell him!
What is it you need to say first?
Me name's Frank Gallagher.
l live at 2 Windsor Gardens, Stretford.
Look, l'm scared cos l haven't a clue what happened last night.
l'm pricking meself here, yer know.
(Frank) What did he say, mate? What? Qu'est-ce que sayo, mate?
(Frank) Hey! Come on! C'est une mistake!
- No! Frank? - ln France?
l know! Well, Calais, so only just.
(All) How?
The embassy says he admitted to drugs charges even before they accused him.
- They're charging him? - No. He'll be escorted through t'tunnel.
- When will you get him back here? - We can't unless you shell out for a car.
You could get him. We could nip across, pick up some booze like our Kirsty does.
Could l fuck! Because... Tone, no offence.
(# Humming the Marseillaise)
Car's not insured, tax disk's a photocopy and the shocks won't get us past Asda.
- Right, Tone. - (Tony continues humming)
l just grabbed a shower. l was coming back round.
Becks, can you... Cheers.
- Who's she? - She's a tenant.
- What's up? - How did you get my dad to France?
You... lt's me? Are you serious? Me?
- French health warnings. - Boot of the car.
- How did you get him in the boot? - He was off his face.
- He went out with just a tenner! - l gave him a 20 and a few tabs.
- Why France? - My sister lives in Folkestone.
l was going down to see the new kid. ldea was to drop him somewhere weird.
Then l saw these signs for the Channel Tunnel.
- The idea just kind of...snowballed. - And that's funny, Steve?
- Really funny would've been Bosnia. - Cos he took a swing at you?
He needs a wake-up call before he wrecks your family's lives!
Bollocks! You hadn't the guts to whack him back!
l don't do violence. Ahh!
What my dad is and what my family is has fuck all to do with someone like you!
Bastard!
- (Microwave pings) - Sorry, can l just...
lt's just that l've got to be out in quarter of an hour or so.
You took him there, you get him back!
- Get a PlayStation 2. - l'll see what l can do.
lf they have any CDs for under a fiver, get us five, but only UK chart.
Take his birth certificate in case they need it for identification.
Hey, Steve, tow bar's on, trailer lights work like magic.
- Get seven cases of lager for my dad. - No way.
The only booze l'm bringing back is ours. Whose is this?
Listen! Oi, oi, shut up, listen!
Police have just found a body exactly fitting Frank's description.
(Screams)
- l knew it! l knew it! l dreamt it was Dad! - Listen...
- Has nobody told her? - We hadn't seen her for hours.
- They found him. Dad's coming home. - l feel rotten now.
- lt were a joke, sweetheart. - He's in France. He's OK.
Steve and Kev and Veronica are off to get him.
- What's he doing in France? - We'll have him home for morning.
l'm really sorry we scared you, Debs. l'm really, really sorry.
Joke was, it wasn't a bloke, it were three bags of rags!
They knew it couldn't be Frank cos the socks matched!
(All talking at once)
No way am l pulling that fucking monstrosity! Here you are.
- ls this Steve bloke a fixture now? - Just somebody l met.
Right. l'm wondering where that leaves me, then, Fiona.
- You? What? - Me with you.
Tony, we had a great night out.
Great mates, great laugh.
Good sex. That's it.
Oh, come on. That's the whole point, innit? One-night stand. No strings.
You were my first.
- First one-night stand or first...? - The first.
l only got circumcised when l were 18 so it set me back. Way back.
So if you want to take the piss, spread that around.
Hey...
if that was your first, you weren't half bad.
Thanks.
(Kev) Hey up! No place like home, eh, Frank?
- Good to be back. - For fuck's sake!
(Crowd talking and laughing outside)
- (Knocking at door) - Are you decent?
l got you this. lt's from France. l asked Veronica to get it for us.
Don't want nothing French in this house!
- There's no hot water. - What?
(Splashes) Oh, for fuck's sake!
Er, your Giro. And it's Saturday so t'post office closes at 12.
- ls he still here? - Steve?
- No, he's nipped home to get changed. - Tell him not to bother coming back.
- He spent 500 quid bailing you out. - And why would he do that, eh?
When l woke up in France, in a park, looking like a fucking dosser,
all l could smell was air freshener.
Middle of the park - orange air freshener!
l've just spent five hours in his car. Same fucking smell!
He did this!
l wish you'd taken a camera, with you in the pictures.
Total shithole. Hey, definition of French foreplay!
- Bet you're the only one that missed me. - No.
Cos Carl said, ''The gas has gone. Where's the pliers?''
And Lip said, ''Dad's the only one who knows how to do the meter.''
- Did you see Paris? - Yeah.
The Eiffel Tower?
Christ, yeah! But, you know, you can see right across France from the top.
Yeah, but l didn't stay up too long.
Don't know what French birds are into,
but they're looking at me like, ''Hey, l am 'aving zis guy.''
lt got a bit unnerving so l legged it back down.
Bits of France are gorgeous, but you just gotta know your way about.
- Do you now? - Every inch.
Hey, l have to cash my Giro. Do us a brew for when l get back.
Look, he can't know.
He does. And even if he doesn't, he thinks you did it so it makes no odds.
But l gave him three Zopiclone.
Mum...said don't use more than two or you won't know your name for a week!
- Your mum was in on this? - Well, yeah...
No. She prescribed the Zopiclone for me.
- She's a doctor? - Yeah.
Mum, Dad, brother, sister. We're the medical equivalent of a battery farm.
Me included, if l hadn't run a mile. l quit medical school two years in.
l am that DlY plane from Chicken Run.
- You walked away from that? - Sprinted away!
ln the vain hope of finding a personality that wasn't a carbon copy of my father's.
So you nick cars for a living.
l do what l chose to do.
And my dad's the waste of organs!
Hang on! Look, l've apologised. l've done what you asked. l've put things right.
Given your choices, it's rich that you don't like other people living with theirs!
- (Crash) - Ahhhh!
- Couple of days till l find a flat! - l promised the wife never again!
- We had to burn that mattress! - Oh, come on, Paddy, we're mates!
- l'll kip on the floor! - Definitely not! We've carpets now!
- Are you off? - lf you lot wanna take the piss, carry on!
- Carry on without me! - Nobody is.
- l don't like the way l'm being talked to. - About what?
''When can l have this, Dad?'' All six of you! Yack-yack-fucking-yack!
l'm a single parent! You wouldn't be here without me!
Surround-sound bitching's all the thanks l get!
Life's hard, we know that. Money's hard. l can only stretch it so far.
- Know how much we spend a week? - The lot!
45 quid. Fiona pays 25, me and lan go a tenner each.
- Plus gas, plus electric, rent! - All covered in your Giro.
- Yeah, right. - 127 a week.
Goes nowhere. You haven't a clue.
Know how much you spend in The Jockey?
- Hey, none of your business. - Roughly 80.
Oh, that's my mate Kev giving it that behind me back!
Well, he's pissed on his own chips! l'll boycott The Jockey!
- And go where? - The Crown.
- Barred. - Elmo's Head.
lt got torched a fortnight back.
l don't need Kev to tell me. l check your wallet every night.
Go on!
Ah, Frank.
French Frank, they're calling you on the radio!
Like an eclipse, Britain went dark without you.
- l'm stuck for a bed, George. - Oh, come in, the man! Fill in the gaps.
- ls the lad with you? - He's going home!
(Mouths)
(Sound of Frank being beaten up)
You forgotten you owe him money?
Everybody thinks l owe 'em fucking money!
He thinks you flogged his telly.
l've been nothing but a friend to that thick lrish dick!
- l know who you sold it to. - l won't say it twice. Go home!
- What? - l won't say it twice!
All right, so people are laughing at you.
They only thought France was a laugh once they knew you were safe.
The T-shirt l want is ''Mug''. l didn't fuck off like your mam did.
l could've shot off and let the council sort you out. l didn't!
And pubs weren't... Ask anyone. Odd pint. Three pints, l'd be on the floor.
Brandy made me puke, whisky gave me a 'eadache.
And they all took the piss then cos l couldn't knock it back. You can't win!
Your mum fucks off, you're all looking at me!
Six kids! Six to keep on top of!
You've never had to do stuff before! Fucking massive!
And clothes for school! Massive!
Having to pick it up as you go along! Massive!
And me dad's sending her money cos he's ''always had a soft spot for her''
so now he's saying it's my fault.
Proving it by giving me... What?
Fuck all! He wouldn't even baby-sit!
One long 'eadache cos people are looking at me like l'm fucking up!
Which l am!
lf you can't do right for doing wrong... what is the point?
Get a few pints down yer, you know, getting a round in, getting another.
Nobody's buying you one back, never will. You've shelled out for hundreds!
Not one back!
But, while you're getting 'em in, you're havin' a laugh.
l mean, that's all you need, innit?
You know, people laughing, people talking.
Anything so long as it's not sounding like six fucking kids
you never wanted in the first place!
Fuck the lot of them! Get used to the 'eadaches!
(Cheering and applause)
(# Piano: the Marseillaise)
(Shouting and cheering)
Ooh, qu'est-ce que vous voulez, Mon-suwer?
Pint of bitter and a couple of these.
Oh, twisted Jesus! Kill me!
l don't know you, but it occurred to me that me and you are the victims here.
Two hard-working, God-fearing men...
who raised children in a straight line with discipline
and God's good guidance!
Our Karen were only 12 when l heard her using the C word...and on a Sunday!
Fuck!
F.
How did l, a man who said 16 years ago, ''l wanna work for God in Africa...''
Big place, big work!
How did l end up with a woman whose only pleasures are sex,
TV cookery, and drawing maximum benefit from the cash-strapped state?
Hundreds a week she gets. Hundreds! For what?
Being agoraphobic.
l dunno where Sheila's dignity's gone or whether she ever had any.
Or whether l just kidded meself all along.
Her world's about this big and the less she does, the more they pay her!
Well, l've done it now. l've left her.
But l refuse to be sorry because... because...
lt's like...
lt's like cruel to be kind.
lf you're from the church, you've had it.
No...er...they're for you...Sheila.
- You know, by way of an apology. - Apology? For what?
Er...well, not apology, just...
l'm Frank.
lan's dad...Lip's dad.
- Oh, the twins. - No.
No, l just... l heard about your bit of bother. You know, Eddie and all that.
Well, it's just to say that... not everybody thinks it's hilarious.
- You take no notice. - That's very neighbourly of you.
Come in...Frank.
You have to take your shoes off!
You've got a belting house, Sheila.
Feels big without him.
Well, you wanna come round ours. Can't shift the kids, six of 'em!
That must be nice.
Yeah, well, it's great when they're little, but they're all growing up now.
l mean, you miss that company, don't you,
when they're all off out all the time and you're in the house on your own?
Well, no, l mean, l love...time to meself, you know,
but...l mean, they're are limits.
- Hey! - No.
Come on, Frank, you're preaching to the converted here.
l've not been out of the house in five years.
- Five years? - l can't.
l've got an overwhelming fear of...
Ooh, God!
l've got agoraph... Oh!
l'm sorry, l know l'm daft about shoes, but your feet stink to high heaven!
Oh, God, Sheila, sorry! l'll bugger off out of your way. Sorry!
You see, again, by the time you get to the bathroom, hot water gone!
l tried running a bath when l got back from France, hot water gone.
lt's always muggins having to boil kettles!
- We've hot water. - Hey, congratu-fucking-lations!
No. ln case you wanted a bath.
Here?
Where in France?
Frank? Frank?
There are clothes out here. Stuck yours in the wash so l hope they fit.
- Sorry, Sheila, l nodded off. - You must be exhausted.
- Won't Eddie miss 'em? - Not unless he sheds four stone.
Found Christ, then barrelled.
- You're quite lean, aren't you? - l can go for three days without food.
Suits you.
Anyway, they're yours if you want them.
Oh, Jesus!
lt's...erm... something l haven't seen for a long time.
Eddie's only just left, hasn't he?
l've never seen Eddie's. Always had to be pitch black for Eddie.
l saw an outline once during a thunderstorm.
Like a pair of rolled-up socks.
So you must be over the moon with a chap like this.
Hark at her! Desperate Daisy!
Hey, if desperate's a crime, l'm a lifer, Sheila.
Give it a feel if you're tempted.
No! No, l'll embarrass myself.
Nobody here complaining.
lt's OK, sweetheart, take your time.
- Not looking after each other at all! - lt's a bit tight, that, Sheila.
Oh, fuck! No, hang on, Sheila, cos l can't see a thing here!
lf l'm embarrassing myself... l'm doing it right.
Oh...yeah.
So tell... Oh, that is tight!
No... Ow!
Paper said Sagittarius was in for a quiet week.
So just tell us... No, no! Way too tight!
l...l changed me mind. Sheila...
Just a jump, that's all.
l'm getting a panic attack here.
No! No...no.
Honest to God, l'm struggling to breathe here.
The more you beg... the more you're in for.
- Relax, Frank. l said...relax! - (Whip cracking)
Not that much.
What's...
- lt's fucking vanished! - Give it time.
We've plenty.
- Yeah. - See?
- You'll smile for me. - Yeah, OK.
Yeah...OK.
lt's been over a year.
lf that's not a smile, l don't know what is.
Yeah...yeah...
And if he smiles...they all smile.
Sit yourself down.
- When did this get done? - Stuck the chops on at about seven.
Snuck back about ten to peel the spuds.
What time is it?
For fuck's sake, what did you slip us?
Just natural tiredness, Frank. lt's probably jet lag.
You went to sleep...just staring.
Look at the good it's done you. You look like you've got blusher on!
(Television theme tune playing)
(Mobile phone ringing)
- (Both) l haven't got one. - (Liam) l've got one.
- Are you contract or pay-as-you-go? - (Phone ringing)
Hello?
l'm the only child my father's scared of because l'm the total opposite
because l wanted to be.
You're... You're kind of...
You're kind of me in a skirt.
l don't honestly believe we could get this lucky twice.
Anyway...skirt or no skirt...
these are for you.
(Fiona) 'Reactions to the loss were mixed. Debbie missed him like mad
'till she realised he was only a walk away and Sheila was lovely.'
Right... Go on, go on, now! Go on, now! Deb, get out the way!
'Dad would need skivvies wherever he ended up.
'He was in parasite heaven, returning only on Fridays eight to eight-thirty,
'bringing new-found parenting skills back to the homestead.
'Every time it looked like this family was falling apart,
'next time you looked, we'd doubled the numbers.
'Sheila's wasn't Sheila's any more, it was where Dad lived.
'lt was his house - Dad and Sheila's. Part of the Gallagher colony.
'We'd always be welcome so long as money wasn't an issue,
'which seemed fair enough...cos we got more floor space to ourselves.'
Near the top, Deb. Bit of bird shit.
There, on the right.
More...up... More on the right.
Hey, watch the ladder.
lf you can't be good, start saving!
(Frank laughing)
Me and Kev are getting married!
We'll still be married, it just won't be legal!
- (Laughter) - He's a maniac! He came at me!
- He'll burn down the bleeding house! - How long's it take to get a divorce?
'You may remember, we showed you these -
'the Kuffs 'O Luv, £6.99 and a bargain.
'The Kuffs were manufactured in Stoke-on-Trent,
'but the faulty locking mechanism was illegally imported from North Korea
'without this channel's knowledge or approval.'