'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'lan, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend.
'The truth is out there... Not!
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
'People say that children are the future,
'teach them well and let them lead the way.
'After you've had eight of your own, you know it's bollocks.
'Darwin had the right idea - leave the buggers to fend for themselves.'
< Hey, lovebirds, happy anniversary!
Come to me! Come to me! Thank you very much, my precious!
No way!
What's with the tank?
l needed something hefty to cart all this.
< Oh, yes! Good man!
PHONE RlNGS
PHONE'S RlNGlNG!
PHONE RlNGS
Ball residence.
Who? l can't hear you, love. You'll have to speak up a bit.
You'll have to shout cos l can't hear a fucking word...
Kelvin?
Oh, Kev!
Happy anniversary.
There's people waiting out here.
Hang on!
TOlLET FLUSHES
All yours.
(Rico?)
Shit!
So savage!
Jesus, how much did you put in here?
No point baking it unless it's loaded.
Let the merriment commence!
Where've you appeared from?
l thought you'd gone ages back.
l went looking for him. Upstairs, downstairs, nowhere to be seen.
Put me head down for five minutes, woke up, birds are twittering.
You welded to that or what?
You know what that is...exhaustion.
Two screaming kids, all night, up down. Never get a wink.
What'd you want me for anyway?
- Fuck knows! - Somebody phoned.
Oh, yeah, right.
Oh, right. Yeah...yeah.
Yeah...um...
lt was a woman.
Ooh(!)
She was a bit posh.
She said she wanted to talk to you...
She said it was important.
(All) DAD!
What, l'm not a fucking secretary!
l looked for you, you'd vanished.
What did she want?
(Posh accent) Can you remember her name?
Well...um...the truth is, l don't...um...
M-M-M-M-Marissa!
Marissa Platting...?
Social worker. You could have mentioned it!
Bleedin' hell! What did she say?
What were her exact words?
She said something about...
Um...
..um...something about coming round in the morning.
She said something about... >
having a kiddie.
(Both) Jesus Christ!
Why did you never mention it?
There's nothing to mention.
You're fostering a kid.
l know but, to be honest, we never really thought it'd happen.
What about the tests, suitability assessments...
they don't just give you a child.
The thing is, we... (Kev didn't want anyone knowing.)
Why not?
He thinks it's his fault.
lt's not that we can't have our own,
it's just that, well, we haven't.
(The fish aren't swimming.)
DOOR BANGS
Toast.
My own daughter, throwing me out.
As if it's not bad enough l lose my home, now this...
What have l done to deserve it? Tell me and l'll put it right.
Mum, it's against the rules, you haven't been vetted.
l'm that child's grandmother. Well, as good as.
Yeah, well you can't stay...
Blanks. Shooting blanks.
Once more, and you'll get a twatting.
..and he definitely can't stay. Fuckin' arsonist.
- We've nowhere to go. - Well, ring our Barry.
< You're joking.
DOORBELL BUZZES
Jesus!
l hope you'll be happy when l'm on the streets,
pushing my possessions round in a trolley...
Jaffa!
Veronica, isn't it?
< Nice to meet you again. And you must be?
Don't tell me.
Kev.
Kev. Good.
Excellent. A1 .
Shall we?
Carl, get out your stinking pit!
Carol! What the bleedin' hell...?
We're homeless. ls that kettle on?
Emergency placement. Eric Tatchell.
Ten years old, lovely lad.
He was born in Ardwick, not the posh bit,
but nice enough, so he won't be stealing your purse to buy crack!
Parents played the stock market, got into debt, big debt.
Day before repossession of the house, they do a bunk to Malaga, in Spain.
They neglected to tell Eric.
They went without him?!
Oh, l've seen it all in my game. You'd be shocked.
lt's always the snooty ones that are the worst.
Give me people like you any day of the week.
The trial placement lets you see how fostering suits you
and lets me find more permanent care for Eric. Everyone's a winner!
Try and think of it as a dress rehearsal -
top marks and we'll find you something longer term.
How long before we get him?
Oh, did l not mention? >
He's waiting in the car.
Eric, l'd like to introduce you to your new temporary foster parents -
Veronica and Kelvin Ball.
You can call me Kev.
Come on, then.
Treat the place like your own. Whatever you want, it's yours.
lf you're hungry, eat. lf you're thirsty, drink.
Just keep your hands off my lagers.
We want you to feel at home, so anything you want to know, just ask.
Who are they?
Ah, the neighbours.
You all right, Carol?
Oh, don't mind me. Being nosey.
You've got it nice up here, Fiona.
We like it.
Big house, though, just for the two of you.
Lip, lan, Carl,
Steve, and the lovely young Debbie.
Tosspot! >
That's my brother, Marty.
Lick of paint, couple of rugs, get it proper nice...
And that's my mum, Carol.
And my best friend, Fiona.
He's like a little street urchin.
So, why don't you play a game or something?
Show Eric your table football.
No chance!
l'll show you upstairs. l've got the biggest room.
They can't stay here, Veronica.
Please, Fiona, it won't be for long. Just while we've got Eric.
The idea was to give us more space, not less. What about Marty?
He only burns things when he's angry. Keep him away from me mam's fellas.
OK. But only till they get themselves sorted.
Thank you, thank you!
PUMPlNG
Eric?
Debbie?
Acute appendicitis.
We're going to have to operate.
Come on, Eric, l think it's time to go home.
lt's great, innit, our own little kiddie in the house?
He's a right miserable little twat.
Kev!
We have to make a go of this if we want to do it full-time.
You heard what the social worker said.
Screw this up, and we'll not get another.
How tired are you?
We can't. What if he hears?
We'll do it with the volume down.
Just wank us off, then.
Eric?
E... Oh, there you are.
Uniform. Good boy.
Breakfast.
Right. Juice?
Eric?
Eric?!
K-E-E-E-V!
Please don't do this to me now!
Don't pump it, you'll flood the fucking engine!
lf you had a decent car this wouldn't be a problem!
He's turning green!
- You worked in a fucking hospital! - Yeah, as a fucking cleaner!
What's going on?
They killed him!
What's happened to him?
Found him on the dining-room table, white as a sheet!
Call an ambulance!
Like my Uncle Pete? He'll be dead when they get here!
Well, you won't get him there in this! Steve's car! STEVE!
Get the keys!
How did you find him?
Just lying there!
Like he'd collapsed or like he'd taken something?
He's not topped himself!
Kids do, especially in care...
Steve!
Maybe he's allergic, like me with eggs. Did they tell you anything?
No, they just... He's a kid!
How can anyone give us a kid!
All right.
POLlCE SlREN WAlLS
ls that for us?
Tell them we're rushing him to hospital.
They'll probably give us an escort.
'Who's been fingerprinted?'
Has anyone here been fingerprinted?
What you on about?
Oh, Jesus, Jesus.
Eric, mate? You all right, mate?
Be sick again if you need to. Get it all up, darling.
What's he got in here?
lt's hash cake. From the party!
He's been at the hash cake. He's gonna live!
Hold on tight.
lt's only a bit of hash cake!
This isn't my car.
Can you believe that? Nicked car?
You feeling any better?
< Fucking car thief?
You've gone up in my estimation.
So, were they all nicked?
Wondered where the flash came from.
We kept it secret for a good reason.
Less people know, less chance there is of getting caught.
Don't go spreading it round, right?
Can't wait to tell Lip.
You nearly killed us all!
Fiona, there was no other way.
Dicky tummy.
Yeah, might have been something he's eaten.
We're getting plenty of fluids down him,
so he should be right as rain soon.
No, no, no, no, everything's fine, yeah, yeah.
We'll bring him in this afternoon. Bye!
Do you fancy a piece of cake?
We can do this, Kev. We can be good parents.
From now on, we just have to try really hard not to kill him.
This is hard work, V.
We're doing fine.
Who's this?
He could crack a smile!
His mum and dad do a bunk,
social services lumber him with two strangers in an area he hardly knows.
Don't think l'd be doing cartwheels.
We've gotta work at it.
This is how it'll be when we have our own.
But that'll be ours. l'll know what to say to ours.
Gotta go to work.
You be all right?
Yeah, l'll be fine.
Killer! He's the killer!
Can Debbie come out to play?
Don't know how you've managed five of them, practically on your own.
You can't magic a bond, Veronica, it takes time.
l know, and l really wanna make it work, but...
l haven't got a clue what l'm doing.
No-one has. You've just got to find your own way through.
Cheers, mate.
Here's to kids. Little shitbags.
That's the trouble with fostering, adoption. lt's like...
having someone else's shoes, innit?
You don't want 'em after they've been worn in.
lt's like you wanna put your mark on them.
Little bit of yourself in the next generation.
Mind you, they only end up hating you, so what's the fucking point?
BABY CRlES
Hiya!
How's my two favourite boys?
Get lost! Just bog off!
- What's the matter with him? - Lost his sketch pad.
Well, did he tell a teacher? Maybe someone took it.
Well, did you ask him?
Veronica, this fostering...
l'm not sure if we've made a mistake.
We should call Marissa Platting, tell her we're not up to it.
ls this because we haven't had sex all week?
No, it's just...
lt is, isn't it?! Kev! Brilliant(!)
Typical bloke, always thinking with THAT.
lf we can't do a good job, what chance do we have of getting another?
Don't know if l want another one.
Well, this was your idea.
No, it wasn't. lt was yours.
l went along with it. For you.
l want us to have a kid, and l can't give you one any other way.
Sorry, calling round at this time.
Wouldn't have bothered you if it wasn't important.
l need a word with Steve.
Green Cherokee, Easton Street car park, last Friday.
lt was you, wasn't it?
You've been caught on CCTV.
They can't tell it's you. But it needs to go back. Like now.
Whose is it?
Chief lnspector's. Well, his missus.
Pride and joy, apparently. He wants the bastard's head on a stick.
Shit, Steve!
He's pulling out all the stops. Overtime, the works.
You'd think we were after a serial killer.
You have still got it?
Yeah, it's safe.
Shit.
Come on, it's time for school. Eric!
Not going!
School! Everyone has to go to school.
Get lost.
Come on, Eric, you...
Whoa!
Leave me alone!
What's the story?
Eric, mate... You haven't pissed the bed, have you?
Why can't you leave me alone? Why can't everyone leave me alone?!
Huh?!
You are?
Eric? Eric!
A green Grand Cherokee. All right?
lf anything comes up, you've got to give me a call.
Steve, you seen young Eric?
No, no. Promise me, Grand Cherokee, green. Got that?
Fuck you doing in here?
Only place l can get some peace.
Haven't seen the kid, have you?
No, Kev, haven't seen him anywhere.
Come on, mate. School.
No!
lf he doesn't wanna go, Kev.
He has to go to school, Frank. lt's the law.
Law? Law of the fucking jungle.
Do you remember school?
That bloke had it right, Lord Of The Flies...
They're fucking cannibals.
Come on, mate.
(Frank) What's he doing now?
Nowt. Just walking about.
Breaks your heart. Who'd be that age again, eh?
(Frank) Best years of your life.
Take that look off your mush, you sour-faced bitch.
We're fucking parents, not perverts.
Frank! You trying to get us reported?
Where is he?
Bottom left-hand side.
Left-hand... He's vanished.
Where the fuck's he...
(Frank) Oh no.
What? What is it?
There.
Jesus Christ!
(Frank) l know. Fucking girls.
Are you gonna just fucking sit there? Do something!
Like what?
That is your son. You're his protector.
Cometh the hour, cometh the man...
- What you doing? - We're going in!
No, no, no, hang on...
Get out the way!
Get in!
Dentist's. Running late.
Drop us at the Jockey on the way home.
You can't just snatch a kid and get away with it, you daft sod!
You didn't see it! They were turning him over. Poor little shit.
He's a fucking pansy.
He's not! Girls are scary at that age.
lf you don't stop it, he'll spend his life being bullied.
lan's right. He can't spend his life being bossed about by women.
Why not? You do!
He needs toughening up a bit.
Admit it, you've fostered a pansy.
Lip?
< What's up, you fucking pansy?
No joy?
lt's only a matter of time. lt'll be OK.
- What if it all turns bad, Steve? - lt won't.
You nicked a copper's car! lf they catch you, they'll screw you.
- They won't. - How do you know?
You're not charmed. You walk around like you're immune to bad luck.
Things go wrong. People get caught. That's what happens. That's life!
Hey, hey. Look.
l don't want to lose you.
Look. Everything's solvable.
l'll find a replacement, trust me. All right?
Male child, ten years old. Restraint of parents vital.
< Upstairs! Come on, upstairs!
What's going on?
Aye-aye?!
Get your hands off me!
GENERAL HUBBUB
< What are you doing?
< Kev, what are they doing?
Where are you going with him? Marissa, where are you going?
Get off me! You're hurting me!
Get off!
MARlSSA?! >
< Kev, just leave it.
What's going on? Where are they taking him?
Keep out and get back indoors.
They're taking Eric.
lt's all my fault.
You haven't done anything wrong.
School must have told them about The ltalian Job.
Or maybe they decided they'd made a big fucking mistake giving us a kid.
Just wish l could have another chance. One more chance.
lt's them again!
< They've brought him back!
Three times in the last six months this has happened.
< We were supposed to be in Brighall Street.
Ah! Look.
Somehow your details got put in by mistake.
< We'll write to you about compensation,
but you'll appreciate it was a genuine mistake.
Welcome home, mate.
You were scary, there. l thought you were going to take his head off.
You wanna use that, you know. ln the playground.
Same thing happened to me when l was your age.
Tough kids...picking on me, giving it all that.
lt's hard to believe, but l wasn't the best-looking kid in the world.
No...
Greasy hair, spots. They used to call me Dot To Dot.
Made my life a misery.
Then one day l cracked, decided to do something about it.
So l got me old fella to teach me how to box. Proper lessons.
Then l knew, whatever happened,
l'd always be able to stand up for myself.
l know your old fella's flown south, but if you're interested...
l can always teach you.
You're on.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Right, remember what l said. Jab. Left, right, left, right. One-two.
Get your head up! Bang bang bang!
One...two...three...
< Right, keep 'em up. Stop pumping and puffing.
Focus, concentrate, keep your balance.
Hey, l told you about that, they're rabbit punches.
Come on, dig in. Four.
Five. That's it. Six.
You're wearing yourself out! Get your arms up!
Give me a big right. That's it! Good lad!
- Tosspot! - Tosspot!
- Spunkface! - Spunkface!
- Bucket biff! - Bucket biff!
That one's only for girls.
< Come on, Eric!
CHEERS OF SUPPORT FOR ERlC
Hit me! Come on, hit me!
EVERYONE COUNTS KEV OUT lN DlFFERENT WAYS
BELL RlNGS
CHEERlNG
(All) Eric! Eric! Eric!
That's my boy!
BOXlNG MATCH ON TV
Can we go to a real boxing match, Kev? ln a proper stadium?
Course we can. Next one in town.
Really?
On me life.
You can't promise him things you can't deliver.
l'll take him to a fight.
When?
We're not keeping him. Tomorrow he'll go to the next lot,
who'll promise him a load of stuff THEY can't deliver. lt's not fair.
Thing is...
Kev, he's beating the hell out of him!
l've started to enjoy having him.
Started to get the, you know, the whole father-son thing.
Can't stop. Passing through.
Have you taken leave of your senses?
Had a date with Rico, but Marty won't let me out of his sight.
- Rico? - Yeah, ltalian.
l love a continental.
l'll get it!
(Strong ltalian accent) ls beautiful Carol at home?
Rico!
My darling! >
lf Marty asks, l've been here all night. Alone.
Aaah!
Come on, my darling, where's the car parked?
lsn't it time you were going home?
We're just planning a way to keep in touch, after he leaves.
See you, kid.
Don't forget to pack, Eric. Social worker's coming in the morning.
Wanna stay here.
That's not an option, sweetheart.
Hey, the next place you go to'll be nice. They might have Sky Sports!
So you can watch as much boxing as you want.
No point without Kev.
Fucking shit!
l'm heading up.
Yeah, l'm coming too.
- You all right, Marty? - l'm waiting up for her.
Mum's a big girl now, Marty.
Whore! Slag! Slaggy whore!
lt's not funny! He's freaking me out!
Keep dreaming about the house on fire!
He's just having trouble adjusting to the fact his mum has a sex life.
With men half her age!
Fucking slag!
Kill!
Burn!
Come to me!
You're so fine!
Hey, let's go round the corner, in case Marty...
Just round here.
Marty? Oh!
Slaughter!
Talk dirty in ltalian.
HE MURMURS lN lTALlAN
Mum is a slag! Bastard burn the fucker!
Marty!
(Strong Manchester accent) Jesus fucking Christ!
What the heck's going on? Marty?!
He's a fucking madman!
What happened to your accent?
She's my mother! You don't touch my mother - ever!
Marty, what the fuck are you doing?
- Come on, don't do anything stupid, mate. - She's my mother!
l'm entitled to a sex life.
Steve, no!
- Marty, give me the lighter, yeah? - Stay back!
Look, she's your mother, you love her, so you want to protect her.
< Everyone understands.
She loves you more than anything else.
She loves you more than that bloke.
He's right, Marty! l mean, he's nothing but a fake!
Just give me the lighter, mate, then no-one comes to any harm.
Oh, come here!
< You and your fucking family!
(Frank) What's happening?
Fuck's going on?
Ugh...
< lt's gonna blow! lt's gonna blow!
You arsehole!
Bang him up! That's where he belongs!
DOORBELL BUZZES
< Mrs Ball? l'm PC Wicker. This is Mary Ryan and her daughter Evelyn.
Yeah?
Are you Eric Tatchell's guardian?
Yeah, what's the matter?
Have you seen what that little shit's done to me daughter?
Good lad! Wait till l get hold of that little shit.
Eric...
Eric, mate.
l thought he were a bit quiet.
Debbie.
- l don't know anything about it. - What's he doing with this?
He wanted to practise drawing girls' faces. l let him keep it.
Debbie, this is serious. That girl is really hurt.
He's battered seven shades of shit out of her!
l've got nothing to do with it.
What's this then, Debs?
''Evelyn,
''Keeley,
''Belinda''?
Christ, he's gonna do all three of them.
He was only meant to scare them.
Me mam says if you want money, come back Friday.
You Keeley Pilkington?
What's it to you?
- You all right? - Yeah.
All right, mate. ls Belinda in?
Depends who's asking...
Yeah, that's him.
Hey, you! You dirty bastard!
- No, you've got the wrong end... - Snatching kids...
Shit!
CAR HORN BEEPS
Fuck's sake, you've got a problem!
Eric's been round then?
Has he fuck! They think l'm a nonce.
Now, where's it gone?
Oh, right, right.
All we need to do is sign the hand-over papers
and that's you finished. Where is the little fella, anyway?
Thing is, Marissa...
there's something we need to tell you...about Eric.
He doesn't want to leave. >
l like it here. l wanna stay.
Never mind. Run along and pack your bags.
You have to be cruel to be kind.
(Excuse me.)
- l'm not a wimp any more, Kev. - l know.
l wouldn't mess with you.
l did it for you, to be proud of me.
How come you only did Evelyn?
She's the leader.
She tells everyone what to do.
Didn't need to do the others after that.
Come on, you two, time to go.
Here you are.
Thanks, Kev.
lt's all right.
Where will you say you found it?
Doesn't matter. Main thing's to call the dogs off.
22 grand these go for.
Even when everyone's had a cut, you must be clearing, what...
(WHlSTLES) ..1 4, 1 5?
Tell me, am l ballpark?
What d'you want, Tony?
Partnership.
Position l'm in, l can help someone like you big time.
l'm talking information.
You still nick the cars, you still cut the deals,
but l make your life a hell of a lot easier.
Man on the inside, yeah?
OK.
See you, mate.
See you, Kevlin Ball.
Hey, you lot, come and say goodbye to Eric!
Come on! Shift!
Door's open.
Excellent. Big success.
You've done yourselves proud.
Nice to meet you.
See you!
So, how do you fancy a nice little Chinese girl...?
See you, champ!
Winnie Cheung.
History of emotional abuse, but she's a cracking little cook.
Tell you what... we'll let you know.
Okey-dokey.
Bye!
What you on about?
You'll make a good dad one day, Kelvin Ball!
But l've missed you.
l've missed us.
Want it to be me and you again.
But l thought...
Hang on, it were you that...
l'm not saying never...
just...not yet.
Because once we've got all that, we won't have all this.
And if it ain't broke...
(Frank) 'Now, don't get me wrong, whether you have your own or ship one in,
'kids are handy - nippin' down the shops, brewing up...
'that kind of thing.'
Come on, everybody. You can help me peel the potatoes.
Who's chopping the onions?
He is!
(Kev) 'But take a word from the wise -
'expect disappointment. That way, no matter what happens,
'you're always pleasantly surprised.'
(Fiona) 'Have you noticed anything unusual?'
Everywhere you turn, people have started...gardening.
There's a year's free rent for the house with the best garden.
Like it?
- Why can't the twins go with you? - She's in a hospice.
lt's a raid.
- Cessation of licence pending appeal. - You're closing us down?
Four kisses! He's met someone else. Who the fuck is Kerry Anne?
First, he wears my knickers to work and now it's this!
- Where have you been? - Stoke. l thought l told you.
Where's the twins?
Don't worry, Sally's looking after them. She loves kids.
That's a fucking bloke.
Spunk face. Bucket of spunk.
Everything all right, Eric?
Piss flaps!