'Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the garden of Eden
'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,
'and me kids who l'm proud of,
'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'
- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!
'Fiona, who's a massive help,
'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,
'lan, a lot like his mam,
'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,
'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair
'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah and nits love it.
'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.
'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.
'Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier... One plate short of a full set, like.
'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.
'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,
'one of the most vital necessities in this life
'is they know how to throw a party!
'Scatter!'
Moon river
(Both) Wider than a mile
l'm crossing you in style
Some day
We're...
(Fiona) 'lt was Mum who said, you don't get anything free in this world,
'and l remember thinking, ''Well, water's free,''
'and then she left, leaving the final demand for the water rates
'and l discovered that even that had a price.'
Moon rive-r-r-r
A-a-a-a-nd me
(Fiona) 'A big part of growing up in our house was about trying to find something
'for nothing.'
You won't get benefits if you walked out of a job.
So? l'll get another one.
Just like that?
- l've never struggled before. - You've only ever had one.
Don't care. l'm not being spoken to like a child for anybody.
Couldn't you have said that to your boss? Chucking it in's a bit rash.
Here you go.
On me. Some things are worth standing up for. My two went to that nursery.
- l've been that far off twatting her myself. - She's put herself out of work!
lf less of us put up with that shit, people like her might think twice.
l wouldn't care, but she didn't pay anywhere near minimum wage.
l haven't and l don't intend to. >
Them lot. ''When did you last have an accident?''
Makes you feel like you've missed out.
What have l told you?!
- We can stand here if we want. - We're only doing our job.
Go do it somewhere else! Don't tell me that Costshopper don't get a cut
when you stand in their door.
You're hardly fucking Costshopper.
This is your last warning.
Cheers, Yvonne.
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, God.
God, talk to me. Talk.
What is it?
lt's the third time l've seen him this week.
We'll go the long way round.
You've had him, haven't you?
You have. You've gone red. When?
He's dead fit, mind!
Veronica!
You have though, haven't you?
l'm carrying his baby.
l'm ten weeks overdue.
Now can we please keep walking?
Jesus, Fiona!
How do you know it's his?
Because l do. There hasn't been anyone else.
And it isn't Steve's.
Have you told him?
No. And l'm not going to.
Here we go. Are you right in the head?
What's it gotta do with him?
About half.
He'll need to know what it'll cost him.
lt was an accident.
He doesn't need to know.
l've booked the abortion.
And?
l don't know whether l'm going to go through with it.
l've not decided.
lt's cost you your job.
No, it hasn't. That was me.
Yeah, you pregnant, tetchy, worried.
l was the only girl in my class who wasn't pregnant before her GCSEs.
l've always been really proud of that.
lf you're worried about what he'll say,
l could come with you.
No.
No, he doesn't need to know.
Have you had an accident in the last five years?
I don't think so.
Are you sure? Do you know anyone who has?
An accident? Boof!
Packet of skins, large ones.
And a baby...
Baby thing... Dummy!
Kids are driving me crazy.
Hey, Yvonne. Had an accident in the past five years?
Right, that is it! l've told them twice this morning.
Down there, by the front.
Oi!
Next time, it'll be my baseball bat!
- For fuck's sake! - We'll have you for that.
Tell it to back of my head, loser!
Oh!
You big poof, sit down here.
l'm fucking soaked!
And my forms are ruined.
Jesus, where's me tooth?
You'll be all right, Frank. You've split your lip. You might have to go hospital.
Where's my tooth?
We'll take him to the hospital.
l can't go, look at me!
That's negligence.
A classic claim.
- You could be a rich man here. - Right you, out!
Hang on a minute.
ls this what it's come to?
Charity tins?
Not for the first time.
What's the point in me and lan working our arses off after school
bringing in money, if you can just chuck a job away?
You tell me.
So the kids don't starve.
This one's empty.
lt can't be.
- Have you seen the state of this? - Yeah, l know.
- But it's only till Fiona gets another job. - Loser!
Rubbish. Because she starts work for Terry Wilson next Monday.
Are you serious?
He wants to see you first, make sure you're not a minger, but yep.
You are brilliant!
Fiona, l take it back.
You're not a lazy, dim bitch.
Terry Wilson died during a bypass.
You say this every time his name comes up.
Terry Wilson had a bad accident on a bypass, not during one.
And he didn't die, else he wouldn't be offering her a driving job, would he?
Driving? Can't drive.
You can, l've seen you.
No licence.
Well, tell 'em it's at the DVLA and get a few lessons in quick.
Do you want beans on these, Carol?
No, thank you. l'll get myself a fish without batter.
lt comes under public safety in a place of business.
So many boxes l can tick here.
Oh, Frank. You could have lost an eye.
That would have been big money.
l waited five hours in fucking casualty cos some guy
who'd shot himself starts queue-jumping.
But he died.
Oh, Frank!
True, but shot himself.
Hello.
Nye Bevan would turn in his grave if he thought twisted fucks like that
were being prioritised over your average working fella.
And they wonder where the money goes.
Director of Health Services.
Fucking chimps, the lot of them.
Have you any head pains, Frank?
What?
Oh, yeah.
Good. Blurred vision?
Oh, yeah.
l have actually. Since my 21 st.
He's got the key to the door Never see life as it was before
Too true. First drink was spiked with a medley of LSD and Spanish Fly.
Got arrested for shagging the exhaust pipe of a Mini Metro.
DV. Textbook.
Double vision.
Did you hear that, Sheila? l'm textbook.
l'm not surprised.
And that tooth wants capping pronto.
l'll get you in private.
Private? Thanks, love.
- lt's all on the claim. - We have a referral scheme.
Remember, Frank. No win, no fee.
And we will win.
Just need your autograph here and we'll make you a rich man, Frank.
You obviously like him.
- l don't! - You big liar!
How many times have you said that men don't face up to their responsibilities?
Never.
Well l have.
And if you don't tell him, he'll find out from the CSA down the line.
lf you decide to keep it.
l don't need the CSA.
Oh, hello! Single unemployed mum,
which you will be once you start to show.
- Tits are already bigger. - Are they?
Eh, nowhere near mine, so keep your beady eyes off!
Look, just go around and tell him and tell him quick.
Trust your Auntie V.
Hiya. ls Frank in?
We need to talk to him about this letter.
Are you police officers?
We're from the shop on the parade, Sheila.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry! Didn't recognise you without the strip lighting. Come in.
Come in.
(Kash) lt was an accident, Frank.
We can't afford six grand.
- We'd have to close the shop. - We don't want that, do we, Frank?
They won't close!
Kash.
Hang on. Frank, be reasonable.
l only want what's right, Kash.
What's happened to trading standards? Mary Whitehouse?
lt's all in the hands of my lawyers.
Don't do this. l've built that shop from scratch.
Whiplash, new tooth.
- You know what that costs! - You wanker, Frank Gallagher.
Don't ever show your pathetic face in my shop again!
True colours now, is it? Setting the dogs on.
- Very fucking red dot. - You wanna try earning a living like us.
- Thought you were closing down! - lt's your son you're hurting. Come on, Kash.
We're wasting our time.
Thanks for coming.
Yvonne, have we got any more pegs in the back?
l don't know and l don't care! We're closing up. Come on you lot, out!
What's happened?
Your dad. Frank Gallagher! That's what's happened.
l'm closing up. You're out of a job.
l'm waiting to be served, here.
Whatever it is, have it!
l will not be blackmailed by people round here.
lf they wanna treat us like this, they don't deserve a shop.
l forgot. l wanted two tins of salmon. Can l take them as well?
Don't push it!
lan, l'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go home.
Kash, do the shutters!
Can everyone leave now, please! This shop is no longer open for business.
You don't have to do this.
Kash, this is my shop.
lan, l'm sorry, but l've no choice here.
ls Craig in?
Yeah, come in.
Craig, visitor.
Hello, stranger. Long time, no see.
l just came to have a word.
Right. This is Sue.
- Hiya. - Me wife.
Oh, right.
- Hi. - This is Fiona.
- Don't worry, it doesn't change anything. - We're not together.
We haven't touched in two and a half years. Can't get shot of her!
That's because the tight-arsed gimp won't give me what he owes me.
There's two sides to that.
Don't touch the pasta in the fridge, l'm having it later.
Technically, this is all half mine. Otherwise l'd be long gone.
Yours as in it was your dad who worked all his life to pay for it?
No, mine as in rightful settlement.
Watch him.
Welcome to my world.
Fiona!
A flat three grand for this.
Or so my lawyer tells me.
Well, your face is your fortune, innit, Frank?
Hey, Jez. Could we say l work here?
Bring in a sick note. Loss of earnings.
lf l said you worked here, Frank, health and safety would shut me down.
Oh, come on. The money l spend in here.
D'you wanna see your bar tab? Claim for that and tell them you were driven to drink!
You bastard!
You stupid fucking bastard!
- Jesus, what the fuck was that for? - Out!
Shop's had to close cos of him!
They can't afford to keep it open.
l'm out of a job, Kash is out of a job, your family's on the breadline,
and you don't give a fuck!
- What are you talking about? - ls it shut?
Ask him! He's suing the shop and they've had to close.
Where are we gonna shop with that place gone?
lt's a half-mile walk to the precinct.
Something's up. Yvonne were kicking off terrible and she chucked me out.
So is it fucking shut?!
Yes. She were cursing him.
Right you, we're not serving you.
You can't bar me!
We're not barring you, Frank. We're just not choosing to serve you.
Due to popular demand.
Do we wanna serve someone who's closing our amenities?
- (All) No! - See.
l don't believe this. l'm really sorry, lan.
l'm not finding him a job as well.
Yours better work out, or we're up shit creek without a paddle.
You all right?
l can't keep it now.
l really need this job, V.
You'll be all right. Have you been round to lover boy's?
- Yeah. - And?
l met his wife.
He's married! Jesus!
- Who's married? - Nothing. No-one.
You're gonna have to tell 'em.
l'm pregnant.
l knew it. l knew you were.
You did not. Everyone says that.
l did. l've been knitting bootees for a week. They're in my room.
How did you get pregnant?
- Don't be thick. Shit, Fiona. - Whose is it?
You don't know him.
Congratulations.
Another mouth to feed.
Thank you.
l'm going to bed.
Up the duff!
l know how you get pregnant.
KNOCK ON DOOR >
One more won't make much difference.
Prick!
Slaphead! For fuck's sake!
Come on, Fiona. Don't wanna be late on your first day.
What you on about?
You can't drive on your own.
Not on your provisional.
l can drive.
No-one's gonna know. l'll easily get away with it.
What if you get stopped?
You'll be out of another job. Not clever.
Someone's gotta sit with you, then it's legal.
When was this decided?
(All) Last night.
Marty was the only one we knew with a clean licence.
He's been inside too long to run up any points.
Oh, God help me!
See ya.
(Debbie) Have a nice time. Bye.
l've come for the money you owe me.
Can help with the stocktake if you wanna earn a bit more.
Are you really gonna close?
Got chance of a unit. Croft Estate, Valesworth.
That's miles away!
l can apply for a start-up grant. They're giving them away up there.
More money than there is round here.
Could be best thing that ever happened.
Oh, don't start.
What choice have we got?
lt's either this,
or we watch his dad piss away our hard-earned money in t'Jockey.
They've barred him.
Why, what's he done now?
Shut this shop. They hate him.
lt's nice to know there's some justice in t'world.
l'll leave you two.
l was gonna come and see you.
lt's not fair.
We'll still see each other.
When, Kash? And where?
The back of your van?
Come here.
lAN SOBS
Where's your dad drinking then, lan?
Nowhere. They've all barred him.
Well, you'd better be right.
- Cos l'll have your balls if this plan don't work. - What plan?
- What are you doing, Marty? - lt's my mirror.
lf l'm responsible for the vehicle, l've got to have one of these.
Where'd you get it?
l found it.
There's a motorcycle overtaking now.
All right, l can see it.
Who the fuck nicks a driving mirror?!
Here, make yourself useful.
Look up that address in this.
< Headlamps!
lf you offset the loss of business against the claim,
it's eight days before we're out of pocket.
But l'm holding out for no more than two, lan.
There's 200.
Right, get these to everyone who has a paper and any other doors you pass.
Your dad is gonna be begging us to open.
Sorry love, we're closed.
Legal reasons. Frank Gallagher's fault.
That's Frank Gallagher.
Off you go, you two.
Pint, please.
A pint of what, Sheila?
Just a pint.
l'm not serving you, Frank. More than my job's worth.
Christ's sake, give me the fucking Oscar.
Come on, a quick one. Jess will never know.
No, but they will.
- They've lost the shop, Frank. They're angry. - Give over, they can shop anywhere.
Shops? lt's not fucking Warsaw!
(Man) lt's as good as. >
Come on, Frank, everybody's looking.
Give us an E to take away.
Keep it to yourself.
Just a pint!
Sorry, Frank. He caught me off guard.
l kept thinking whisky, but l knew that wasn't right.
All you had to fucking do...
Ah! Blood!
- l've been shot! - Fucking hell!
Oh, my God, Frank!
lt's a fucking egg!
LOUD SCREAMlNG
(Man) You're a dead man, Gallagher! >
Fuck off!
Here you go, five sugars.
Fiona!
Fiona... Not a chance.
D'you want the baby?
l don't want to talk about it, Marty.
Because it... lf you want to keep it, you don't have to bring it up alone,
if you don't want. Shitting!
Thanks.
l'd do anything for you.
Look, Marty.
Thing is, l'm not gonna have it.
l need to keep this job, or we've got no money coming in.
lt wouldn't be a good idea right now.
l'm booked in for the morning.
But thanks.
Right.
l suppose that's for the best, though.
ls it?
You don't have to do this, you know.
Sitting with me.
lt's very kind, l'm really grateful.
lt's fine, l like it... Wanker!
Not you.
l am dropping the charges, you can have the shop back!
CHEERlNG
Now pour us a pint.
Let's see you do it first.
Remind me to pick up some free condoms while l'm here.
You seen the state of her? How did she get a bun in the oven?
Fiona Gallagher?
- Shall l come with? - No, l'll be fine.
See you in a bit.
lt's what this country's all about, innit? l mean, they're hard workers
and they represent the values of our way of life.
Late night opening,
fair prices,
and...affordability.
l'm proud to announce, back open.
Right, going home, got a headache.
Before you say anything, we've had to make one or two price rises.
lt's because of the loss of business.
But if you offset that against your bus fares you've been paying, you're still saving.
A total victory!
Yeah, well get out there and make yourself worthwhile!
Stick the kettle on, Sheila.
Oh, sweet Jesus, what do you two want?
Tell me you haven't gone and cancelled your claim, Frank.
Look... l don't want to talk about it.
You can't pull out now.
Wheels in motion, Frank. They've explained it to me.
Look. We spent best part of a day with you, Frank.
Oh, Christ, l can't do right for doing fucking wrong round here.
You know, l have had...eggs and stuff, so no more. Finito.
Frank, l don't think you quite understand. This is your bill. Read the small print.
lf you terminate the claim prior to completion, any costs incurred by the company
- are passed onto the client - you, Frank. - You what?
- lt is in there, you signed it. - What fucking costs?
Letters, dental work, admin costs.
£926.47 p.
Oh, my God, Frank. What have you done?
BABY CRlES
How are you?
Fine.
So don't all stare at me.
We wondered where you were.
What? Carl, what?
What's the matter?
All right?
Fuck you doing here?
Wanted a word.
- l told him to come back later, but he wouldn't. - That's fine.
- Look, if it's a bad time... - No, no. You might as well stay.
- ls everything all right? - (Fiona) Yeah.
And?
l'd better explain.
Right, l'd better be off. Washing up to do.
Probably. You know where l am if you need me.
l went for an abortion today.
Right. Sorry.
But l didn't have it.
l couldn't.
l feel...different, in a good way.
l just couldn't do it.
So l'm keeping it. So don't start.
Look, this is a bad time...
lt's yours, by the way.
l've been trying to tell you.
l thought if l knew you a bit better, it might make more sense.
But then everything seemed to go wrong. Sorry.
lt's OK, though.
l've sorted it all out.
You should have told me.
l might have if your wife hadn't answered the door.
l didn't know you were going to turn up. l wasn't hiding it.
lt doesn't matter.
You were right, it's nothing to do with me.
What, and you thought once you'd told me, you'd never see me again?
- lt's what most blokes round here do! - Bollocks!
Most of them get married and really fuck things up.
You haven't got that option. Nor do l.
l'm not asking for anything.
lt doesn't involve you.
Do l not have that option either?
l don't know.
So how long have you been married?
Years. Well, feels like years.
Can't get shot of her.
lt's my dad's house, but she's claiming it's half hers.
l wouldn't care, but he's still alive, just.
l was working on the oil rigs when we first met. l think that suited her.
l'd go away and she'd go shopping.
D'you wanna know the irony?
l've wanted a little girl for years, just not with you.
Oh!
l don't mean with somebody like you, just somebody l'd planned it with.
So were you trying?
l thought we were.
Turned out she was using enough contraceptives to sterilise an elephant.
Why do you say a little girl?
l had a sister that got hit by a car.
ls that true?
Yeah, course it is.
Who'd make that up?
All right, Paddy.
Hey, Paddy!
Didn't you win the...wotsit, lottery, a few weeks back?
No, Frank, it was my brother Martin.
Right, but...
Could you ask him to lend me a few hundred quid, just for a week.
- l can ask him, Frank, but he won't do it. - Oh, come on!
He won £75, Frank, and he's still has got that fine to pay cos of you. Good night.
Fucking...
MUTTERS TO HlMSELF
Oh, well l phoned as soon as the lines were open,
so l don't see how l could be too late.
OK, fingers crossed for next time.
Bye.
Some people are so snooty. BANGlNG >
Come in! Oh, that's perfect. Here you are, Carl.
Congratulations on the baby, by the way.
What does that make me? A half granny or a step granny?
Either way, it is a bit of a mouthful. Your dad was so moved.
Holiday to Florida, £500 spending money, GMR, 1 5 minutes.
We'll just take the spending money. Can't fly.
What's going on?
Phone-ins. l'm going to get us the money back.
Your dad's inconsolable. He tried to sell his cap back to the dentist this morning.
You're gonna win it?
l have done them before.
When Karen was little.
Year's supply of mini yogurts.
The secret's in the tie-breakers.
l'm a natural.
l've done two quizzes on the radio already. Ha, ha, ha!
- Bit of a long shot, isn't it? - Someone's got to win.
Do you want to play beat the intro, Sheila?
(Deep breaths) Whatever! Ha-ha-ha!
l need to get off.
Good luck.
Yeah. Your dad is so proud of you.
lt never rains, but it fucking pours.
You try and bring your kids up with some self-respect, and then what?
Your daughter, the apple of your eye
is up the duff by some Tom, Dick and Harry. Where do we go wrong?
- Have you tried leading by example? - What about Liam?
- He's yours, Frank. - l know that,
but she can't just walk out and leave him.
'Are you there, Sheila?'
l'm on the air, call Karen. Call Karen.
Yes, hello, l'm still here, Dickie.
Fucking hell, not you two again.
Sheila! Look, it's Sheila on Grab My Grand!
'l know that one. ls it Puffin lsland?'
'Correct. What is the capital of Spain?'
Barcelona! l went at Easter with the two Marthas, £7 return.
ls it fuck, it's Lisbon.
- 'ls it Madrid? - Correct.'
CHEERlNG
lt's Barcelona.
'Get it right and you've won £1 ,000,
'but if you are wrong, you go away with absolutely nothing.
'So here we go. How many sides has a dodecahedron?'
Fucking great!
'Oh dear, let me think.
'Dodecahedron, how many sides...
'l'm going to have to push you for an answer, Sheila.'
'Oh, dear, oh, dear... Oh, what can it be? Um...
'Oh, um, er....'
'Twelve.'
Congratulations, Sheila.
CHEERlNG
HE MOUTHS
We've won! We've won!
Ah! Sheila, we've won!
Oh, Jesus!
l saw that, that was assault.
What are you talking about?
l didn't move.
Sorry mate, not from where l'm standing.
And unless you call off them swindling lawyers,
there's about 20 witnesses here that'll swear that you just hit him.
- lt wasn't me, it was... - All right Frank?
My fucking cap's come off.
- This is a fit up. - Yeah.
Fuck you, ginger!
- Call the police, Jez. - Just do it, Barry.
Your dad's gonna love it. Pass the other T, Carl.
Can we put it in the window?
lf you like.
Your bill's cleared, Frank. Now you're down as a bad debt.
Hope it makes you happy.
Come on, let's have a party!
Hiya.
Can l get you a drink, then?
Given this was your idea, mine's a pint. l'll grab a table.
Fiona.
You're all right, Dad. l'm still going to look after Liam, so you can fuck off!
Sorry l spoke.
- The kid should know who its dad is. - Course it should.
You're not having any formal visiting rights.
l'm not asking for that and l won't.
Be a good-looking kid, though, eh?
Taking after the father, l suppose.
Taking after both of us.
lt'll be all right, you know.
l know.
Best we don't get too involved.
Absolutely.
Could just fuck it all up.
Yeah.
We won't, then.
MUSlC: Relight My Fire by Take That
We're gonna be really sensible?
Yeah.
Ah!
Fiona? Can this wait?
FlONA MOANS
- What are them? - Strawberry undies. They taste nice.
ls Frank here yet?
l don't think so, has anyone seen Dad? He was celebrating last night.
Has he heard already? They must have called him.
l've been on the go all morning. Ha, ha, ha!
Congratulations on last night.
Oh, thank you. Oh, the phone's not stopped ringing.
lsn't it lovely how many people call you when you've won something?
Look, you can go back through to my side if you like.
(All) Wooooo!
How is that an innuendo?
Actually, l'd better get off, l've got a session with someone.
(All) Woooh!
Grow up! Sorry.
- Good excuse, they are a bit of a handful. - Not half.
Cheers.
Right. Who's in tonight?
Because l just got paid, so the fish and chips are on me!
CHEERlNG
Come on, we'd better go and find Dad.
l forgot to ask. Do you fancy going for a drink?
(All) Wooo!
When?
Tonight?
You come to mine.
Sure.
What?
HE RELEASES THE BALLS
HACKlNG COUGH
Oh, Jesus, l dreamt l was dead.
Yeah, l have that dream.
Sorry about that, Sheila, got a bit late last night. l forgot he was there.
- (Hello Frank.) - Hello.
Oh, Christ.
Need a cup of tea. Where the fuck am l?
l'll put the kettle on.
(Sheila) Frank.
l won Grab My Grand last night.
£1 ,000.
Oh, yeah, l remember.
- Sheila. - Yeah.
l love you.
And l went to see the district manager of Accident Jackpot this morning.
l've paid him.
You're a free man.
What?
You don't owe a penny!
Oh, Jesus.
l was doing my best, Frank.
A thousand fucking quid.
There is nearly £80 change.
That won't pay the bar bill.
This came this morning.
Second prize - Satin FM.
Frank, l'm getting quite a taste for this.
l should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky
l should be so lucky...
(Fiona) 'Sheila celebrated winning that money for weeks.
'For the rest of us, the notion of another mouth to feed wasn't anything new,
'but the idea that it wasn't another offspring of Dad's took a bit of getting used to.'
l'm a good human being with a great deal to offer.
- NOOOOOOOOOOO! - Ahhh!
Once the court see you're respectable and hard-working, they'll have to acquit you.
- Boo! - Aaargh!
So why are you back?
Because, Blondie, l fell in love.
Marty, no!
Did you think somebody like her would be interested in a freak like you?
Beauty's everywhere.
Just depends whether you choose to see it.
(Marty) 'l'm a good human being
'with a great deal to offer.
'l am a...'
Boner! Sorry!
Eight letters, COPULATE!
SHE LAUGHS
Sorry.