Subs created by: David Coleman.
Guys.
What are you doing Saturday night? Your mom really needs a night out.
You want us to take mom out?
Isn't that kind of your job?
I need you guys to babysit so that we can go out to dinner with the Wentzes.
We're going to Mondello's.
Oh. Isn't that place like super expensive?
I don't care. Your mother deserves the best.
You got a coupon, huh?
Yes, Sir. I do.
Hey.
Bob, honey, the Wentzes just called and canceled.
They said they have to go to Nebraska for some family emergency.
Oh, really?
All right. Well, I'll tell the boys they don't have to babysit.
No no no no no no no no.
I need a night out so bad, I'm willing to spend it just with you.
And the love affair continues.
[Rock music playing]
♪Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes.
♪"Has anybody seen my left shoe?"
♪I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.
♪There it is up on the roof.
♪I've been there, I survived.
♪So just take my advice.
♪Hang in there, baby things are crazy.
♪But I know your future's bright.
♪Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.
♪Everything turns out all right.
♪Sure life is up and down.
♪But trust me, it comes back around.
♪You're gonna love who you turn out to be.
♪Hang in there, baby.
[Doorbell rings]
- Hi, Teddy. - Hi, Beau.
Uh, what are you doing here?
Oh, me and your dad have a new plan. We're carpooling.
Really? Because he just left to pick you up.
Well, I didn't say it was a good plan.
Listen, while I'm here...
I wanted to ask you something.
- Do you have any plans Saturday night? - [Sighs]
Beau, that's really sweet. But just...
I have some unresolved feelings with my old boyfriend,
so I'm not really into dating right now.
I wasn't asking you out on a date.
I should have let you finish.
Why don't you do that now?
See, there's this girl, Katie.
She invited me out and I want to go. But I don't want her to think it's a date.
So I thought if I brought a friend, she'd get the message.
Mm. So you're asking me out on a date that's not really a date
so that you'll look like you're not on a date.
Exactly.
And I'm asking you because I don't know anyone else who's willing to not date me.
Well, I guess as long as I'm not not dating anyone.
So it's a not date?
Why not?
Okay, guys. We're leaving.
- Hey, mom. You look great. - Oh, thanks, honey.
Dad.
Look how good mom looks.
Oh. I think your father looks very handsome.
Thank you, honey.
And I'm very much looking forward to a wonderful night out.
Oh, by the way. We're taking the bug truck.
I can write off the mileage.
Bob: I'll be right there.
Gentlemen, tonight I want nothing to go wrong.
When I come back, I want to see every baby, every babysitter,
and everything in the house just the way it is now.
- You got that, PJ? - Dad, relax.
Everything is under control.
I know. But you say that every time.
Well, one of these times it's bound to come true.
All right. That's good enough to get me out of the house.
- Bye. - Uh-huh.
Okay. Listen up.
Tonight I am Captain of the ship.
And I say there will be no running, no mess, no horseplay of any kind.
Boring.
Yeah. Why are you being so strict?
I mean, you're worse than mom and her stupid no fireworks in the basement rule.
I'll tell you why.
Because I'm tired of everyone always thinking I'm the irresponsible one.
All right? That ends tonight.
[Squishes]
- Uh-oh. - What?
Either I just wet myself, or I sat on Charlie's juice box.
I'm not sure what to root for here.
[Gasps] Oh no!
It's mom's new couch.
Well, you had a good 30 seconds, Captain.
Welcome to Boots N Saddles.
I've never been to a Country-Western place before.
Sit down. You're gonna love it.
So...
- Where's Katie? - She should be here any minute.
Howdy, partners.
I'm Donald, your server.
Can I get you something from the watering hole?
Donald, it doesn't really sound like your
heart's really into this Country-Western thing.
My dream was to work in the yogurt business,
but you gotta know someone to get in.
Um...
I'll have a lemonade.
- Make that two. - Coming right up, y'all.
So, how do you like working for my dad?
I love it. He's a great guy.
But he sure does tell a lot of bug stories.
And they all end the same way.
Both: And then I killed it. [Both laugh]
Oh, man.
Katie can't make it.
Oh. Well then, we should cancel the lemonades because my job's done.
- Where's Donald? - Hold up. Hold up.
As long as we're here, we might as well stay and hang out.
- I don't know. This isn't really my thing. - What's not your thing? Having fun?
Are you kidding?
Nobody's more fun than me.
Barrels of monkeys look at me and go, wow! We wish we were that fun.
- Really? - Mm hmm.
I don't believe you.
Are you implying that you don't think I'm fun?
Actually, I'm kind of saying it.
Oh yeah? All right. Well, I'll show you how much fun I am.
I'm gonna order up a...
Mess-o-grub.
And then when I'm done eating, I'm gonna ride that mechanical bull.
Just from prior experience...
You might want to reverse that.
Anything look good?
Uh, you mean other than my beautiful wife?
Mr. Duncan.
Are you flirting with me?
I believe I am.
Uh, anything look good to you?
No.
Well, that was kind of hurtful.
Not you. Look.
The Wentzes?
I thought they had some kind of family emergency.
In Nebraska.
Do you think they blew us off?
There's only one way to find out.
I'm gonna call Mary Lou.
If she says they're in Nebraska, then we have our answer.
[Phone buzzes]
- I don't believe it. - Did you do something to tick her off?
Don't be ridiculous. When have I ever ticked anyone off?
You know what? Let me call Harry.
Let's see what's going on.
[Phone buzzes]
♪You're in trouble, you're in trouble.
It was your grape juice.
It was your butt.
[Giggles]
Oh, what are you smiling about, Toby?
I could pin this on you in a New York minute, what would you say?
Gah gah gah gah.
[Giggles]
Gah gah gah gah gah.
PJ, calm down.
It's happening again. I'm in charge, and I'm blowing it.
Relax. The couch repair guy will be here soon.
- Well how do we know he's any good? - He had an ad on the Internet.
They don't just give those to anybody.
[Doorbell rings]
Sofa surgeon.
Thanks for coming over so quickly.
Sure. Where's the patient.
Patient? You take this surgeon thing pretty seriously.
Well, I didn't put yellow blinking lights on the top of my hatchback
because I don't take it seriously.
- It's right over here. - Okay. What is the nature of the stain?
- It's grape juice. - And we're done.
- You're giving up already? - It's grape juice, man.
I am a sofa surgeon.
Not a miracle worker.
- Isn't there anything we can do? - If our parents come home and see this,
- we're gonna be in huge trouble. - Well, mostly him.
Your only option is to replace the deceased.
You find another couch that looks exactly like this one.
How are we supposed to do that?
I mean, go to an all-night couch store?
[Clicks teeth]
Alan's all-night couch store.
Oh, and if you use my name, you get a free balloon.
I'm in.
You don't have to do this.
I've done this before.
You've ridden a mechanical bull?
No. But I rode a pony outside the grocery store.
Well, as long as you've had experience.
Giddy up.
[Country music playing]
[Mechanical whirring]
Whoa!
Whoa.
Aah!
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Am I standing up?
[Music]
[Scoffs]
Look at them over there.
Talking, laughing, having a grand old time.
[Mock laughter]
Makes me sick.
I don't get it. Why would the Wentzes blow us off?
Oh, I don't know.
- I mean, we're a fun couple, right? - Yes.
Uh-huh.
Now what is that supposed to mean?
I just...
In social situations, you tend to talk about bugs and rodents.
- A lot. - [Sighing]
So now this is my fault?
Bob, I'm your wife. Of course it's your fault.
Honey, I mean, since we're pointing fingers, I mean...
You know, you tend to talk about yourself.
A lot.
At least I'm talking about something interesting.
Are you?
Yes, I am.
I happen to be a fascinating woman.
You see what we're doing here? We're turning on each other like rats.
And we're back to you.
Well, that was great.
At least now I can cross riding a mechanical bull off my bucket list.
You have a bucket list?
Yeah.
I started making one about halfway through the bull ride.
Hey, partners.
The karaoke machine is now ready for action.
I reckon.
What do you say? You want to mosey on over and sing a little karaoke?
No, thank you. I can't really sing.
What? It's karaoke. You don't have to be good.
I don't think so.
Well.
Look who's wearing the not fun hat now?
- That's not gonna work. - And the not fun shirt.
And the not fun boots.
You stop right there.
You can mess with my hat. You can mess with my shirt.
But you leave my boots out of it.
Well then, let's go.
Okay.
What song do you want to sing?
Something short.
Like your bull ride.
Maybe this one.
Works for me.
[Slow pop playing]
♪If you forget the reason that you're singing.
♪And it's hard to find the song of your soul.
♪Just remember how you helped me start believing.
♪Anytime you're feeling down,
♪I hope you know...
♪Who's gonna always have your back?
♪Who's gonna be a friend like that?
♪I will.
♪Yeah yeah!
♪If you're feeling like the Queen of nothing's working.
♪And you question every choice you make.
♪When you're sick and tired of being so uncertain.
♪And everything you thought was right...
♪Was lost along the way.
♪Who's gonna always have your back?
♪Who's gonna be a friend like that?
♪I will.
[Cheering, applause]
Can't sing, huh?
I may have fibbed a little.
Hello? Anybody here?
May I help you?
Hey, it's you again.
- Excuse me? - You're the sofa surgeon.
Was the sofa surgeon.
Yes, now I'm Alan, and I'm the owner of the all-night couch store.
Well, whoever you are, where's our couch?
You said you had one just like it.
Oh no no no. The sofa surgeon said that.
Yeah, no, see... his job is to get you in the store.
My job is to help you deal with your disappointment.
Well, I just want to say for the record, both of you have really let us down.
Hey. Check it out. That looks like the green couch we used to have.
- So what? That's not gonna help us. - Or is it?
- Okay, call me crazy... - You're crazy.
Anyway...
What if we replace the yellow couch with this green one?
Mom and dad were so used to seeing this couch for years.
Maybe their brains will trick them into believing it's the right couch.
That's your plan?
To trick mom and dad's brains?
- Yes. - I love it.
Okay. Let's go.
Great.
Now we have to walk right past the Wentzes.
Maybe we should just climb out the bathroom window instead.
Why are we avoiding them?
They're the ones who should be avoiding us. They're the liars.
Yes. Yes, they are.
Okay, let's walk past them with our heads held high.
Oh, Amy, Bob.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
What are you guys doing here? I thought you had a family emergency.
Oh, it turns out my uncle didn't have to go to the hospital after all.
- Oh. - Wow. Lucky him.
And by the time we found out, it was too late to call you.
That's interesting because I actually called you earlier, but no one answered.
I tell you what, I just got a new phone.
And I can't seem to figure out how to use it.
[Sighs]
Uh, what about you, Harry?
Oh, darn family plan.
I have the same phone.
And I'm usually just like...
[Both chuckle]
Want to hear something really funny?
We actually thought you guys were trying to avoid us.
What? You can't be serious.
- Oh, that's hilarious. - Right?
I know. I know. Okay. All right.
Let's get together soon, okay?
Okay, try and stop us.
All right, bye.
[Both laugh]
- You think they bought it? - Those two? Oh yeah.
You know, I have to admit.
I had a great time tonight.
It was the best not date I've ever been on.
Listen, there's something I've got to tell you.
What?
There never was another girl.
I kind of made her up.
Why would you do that?
Because.
You said you didn't want to date anyone, and...
I wanted to go out with you.
Oh.
The thing is, Teddy, ever since I met you, I felt like there was a connection.
I kind of think you feel something too.
I don't know.
Don't you feel something right now?
Maybe.
Definitely.
Good night, Beau.
Good night, Teddy.
Bye.
Okay, when mom and dad come in, just act natural.
Okay. How about this?
Uh, no no no no.
No, not on the couch, because you'll draw attention to it.
Oh.
Although, now you're off it, it's practically screaming, hey, look at me!
- Hey. - Hey, you guys.
- We're home. - How was your night?
You guys have a good time?
Yeah, a little rocky at first, but yeah.
- How was everything here? - Oh, little ones are safely in bed.
Just like you two should be. [Both chuckle]
Wow. I'm impressed.
- Whole evening, no trouble. - Mm hmm. One in a row.
Thanks, guys. You're the best. Mwah!
- All right. - Good night.
Good night.
[Sighs]
- It worked. - Told you.
Wait a minute.
Something's different.
Really? Everything looks fine to me.
If anything, it looks more normal than usual.
This...
Belongs here.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- That's better. - That's so much better.
Hey. Good eye, mom.
Lucky for you two, I hated that yellow couch.
Well, Charlie, I went on my first ever not date.
And I got to say...
Not bad.
[Giggles]
In fact, very not bad.
I guess you could say old Teddy Duncan is...
Back in the saddle. [Chuckles]
I reckon.
- Hey, Teddy. - Hi, dad.
Oh. By the way, the family's got a little pool going.
When will dad notice the new old couch?
- Something wrong, dad? - Yep.
It's the couch.
I'm always losing my phone in it.
Man, sometimes I can be so clueless.
Hmm. You heard the man.
Good luck, Charlie.
I can't believe we're being blown off...
- Again. - I know. Especially by them.
They told me they were gonna stay home tonight and go to bed early.
Maybe we're wrong. Maybe it's not them.
Oh, it's them. Come on.
Well well well. How's bedtime going?
Hi, mommy.
You guys are blowing us off.
No. We love you guys.
Both: Oh.
What were we thinking? They love us.
Oh, of course they do.
Hey, enjoy your dinner, kids, okay?
Do you think they bought it?
Yep!
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