1
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:08,702
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:08,703 --> 00:00:11,173
It's a no-go, Theresa!
3
00:00:11,174 --> 00:00:14,310
Yeah, look, I love Nona as
well. She's my Grandmother too!
4
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Look, if there was a way
I could do it, I'd do it!
5
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Yeah, you too!
6
00:00:20,050 --> 00:00:22,960
Jeez, why are you so mad at your sister?
7
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I'm not mad at her. That's
New Jersey for "I love you".
8
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Wow, so how do you
tell if someone angry?
9
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The police show up.
10
00:00:30,894 --> 00:00:33,060
I am upset though.
11
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My Grandmother Sofia is failing.
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Next week is her birthday and
it's probably going to be her last.
13
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And all she wants is to
see me and Tiffany together.
14
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- One final time.
- Why does she want to see your ex-wife?
15
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I kinda never told her
that we got divorced.
16
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- So you lied to her.
- Hey, I was protecting her!
17
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Why can't you people see that?!
18
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Joe, we're simple Ohio
people. No yelling is required.
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I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Once I let the
Jersey out, it's very hard to walk it back.
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- Joe, have some Guava juice.
- Thank you, man, thank you.
21
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So when you go back there to see
her, what're you going to say?
22
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"Happy 99th birthday,
Nona. I'm divorced".
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I might as well just plunge a
knife into her congested old heart.
24
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Hey, why don't you just
ask Tiffany to go with you
25
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you can pretend you're
married for a couple hours?
26
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That is the stupidest idea I ever
heard and I already tried that.
27
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Want to know what's funny though?
28
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I don't really want to
ask any more questions.
29
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My Nona's eyesight's so
bad she probably wouldn't
30
00:01:29,111 --> 00:01:31,437
know the difference
between Tiffany and a wall.
31
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I mean, you know, if the
wall was, like, stacked.
32
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And wore a leopard-print skirt
and a lot of make-up. [Chuckles]
33
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Honestly, any blonde like
that would probably do.
34
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Hello, people of my kitchen!
35
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I was shoe shopping. Check out
the latest in Stiletto heels.
36
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Now be honest, everyone. Do
these make me look too trashy?
37
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I'd say just trashy enough.
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[Theme music playing]
39
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- ♪ It's all good.
- ♪ All good!
40
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- ♪ It's okay.
- ♪ Okay!
41
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- ♪ It's all right.
- ♪ All right!
42
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♪As far as I can see...
43
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- ♪ It's all good.
- ♪ All good!
44
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,015
- ♪ It's okay.
- ♪ Okay!
45
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- ♪ It's all right.
- ♪ All right!
46
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♪I guess you're stuck...
47
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♪With me.
48
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Come on, it's two days out of your
life! Everyone else'll know the truth.
49
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All you'll have to
fool is my Grandmother.
50
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The whole idea is ridiculous!
Nobody would believe me as Tiffany.
51
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I'm way too classy!
52
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It's a dying woman's last request!
53
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Don't guilt trip me.
54
00:02:32,115 --> 00:02:33,960
And what are you getting
so mad about anyway?
55
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What? This is a conversational
tone in New Jersey.
56
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Come on, Aunt Mel,
all four of us can go.
57
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It'll be like cultural anthropology...
58
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You know, observe the Longos
in their natural habitat.
59
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- Don't you have prom?
- I decided not to go.
60
00:02:48,123 --> 00:02:51,925
Zander and I are in a pre-college
separation. It's a pause.
61
00:02:51,926 --> 00:02:54,208
And no, I don't want to talk about it.
62
00:02:54,209 --> 00:02:55,897
A trip to Jersey? I'm in.
63
00:02:55,898 --> 00:02:59,731
- Boy, do I need to get out of this house.
- What's wrong with this house?
64
00:02:59,732 --> 00:03:02,533
Home schooling is not the amusement-park
ride it's cracked up to be.
65
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You know how many
tiles are on that wall?
66
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4,076.
67
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Go ahead, count 'em.
68
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You know what, guys?
69
00:03:10,409 --> 00:03:12,979
I appreciate the fact that
you'd be willing to go.
70
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It shows really really great character.
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But unfortunately without Tiffany
the whole trip is a lost cause.
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Let me say it to you in
Jersey. I ain't going!
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All right, look, I've met your ex-wife.
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I just don't see myself
being able to pull that off.
75
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That whole little girl act? It's not me.
76
00:03:27,452 --> 00:03:30,140
All right, fine. Guess
I was asking too much.
77
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I'll just make the trip myself
and I'll tell her I'm divorced
78
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and she'll just have to live with it.
79
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Or I guess... die with it.
80
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All right, look, I know you think
I'm being selfish, but you're wrong.
81
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Who wants to see the other
shoes I bought? [Squeals]
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[Loudly] Yes yes, Nona!
83
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It's Joey.
84
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Yeah, absolutely.
85
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I'm gonna be there
Saturday. I wouldn't miss it.
86
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N... no no.
87
00:04:02,753 --> 00:04:05,486
Tiffany's not gonna be able to make it.
88
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No no... no no, hey hey, don't...
89
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:11,077
Don't... don't cry, Nona. No no,
it's really not good for your heart.
90
00:04:11,078 --> 00:04:12,913
It's just... no!
91
00:04:12,914 --> 00:04:15,185
No, my wife loves you. [Laughs]
92
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More than she loves me,
I can say that honestly.
93
00:04:18,089 --> 00:04:21,044
- It's just that... no, hey!
- What is that boy telling you?
94
00:04:21,045 --> 00:04:24,950
Of course I'm coming, Nona! No,
JoeJoeBee is just being a Silly Willy.
95
00:04:24,951 --> 00:04:27,339
But I love him oodles
and oodles and oodles.
96
00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:30,321
I'll see you Saturday. Mwah mwah mwah!
97
00:04:30,322 --> 00:04:32,189
How was that?
98
00:04:32,190 --> 00:04:34,861
Pretty much dead on.
99
00:04:34,862 --> 00:04:39,413
- Are you really gonna do this for me?
- [Sighs] Yeah, I can't believe it either.
100
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She better really be dying
or I'm going to be pissed.
101
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_.
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Welcome to Moller Street, everybody!
103
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This is the Via Veneto of Secaucus!
104
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Literally the highest concentration
of Longos on the eastern seaboard.
105
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So the whole Longo mob lives here, huh?
106
00:04:56,841 --> 00:05:00,007
Hey, yo yo yo, we don't use the "M"
word in this neighborhood, all right?
107
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What, Mafia?
108
00:05:02,941 --> 00:05:06,644
What's up, Mr. Spizeri? How you doing?
109
00:05:06,645 --> 00:05:08,591
All right, yeah!
110
00:05:08,592 --> 00:05:11,798
So how's my beautiful
wife doing in there, huh?
111
00:05:11,799 --> 00:05:15,068
Ugh! Just adjusting my Golden Globes.
112
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Are they symmetrical?
113
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May I?
114
00:05:18,416 --> 00:05:24,316
Yeah, go for it. I can't feel a
thing. This is all push-up and padding.
115
00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:26,555
It's identical twins, right, guys?
116
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Jo-eeeey!
117
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Mom, hey!
118
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Are you even more handsome
than you were the last time?
119
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[Laughs]
120
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I think so.
121
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,468
- That's my boy. That's my boy.
- Both: Mwah mwah!
122
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,434
And here's the family.
123
00:05:41,435 --> 00:05:44,354
Is this the Mel Burke?
124
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This is Mel Burke.
125
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This is Tiffany.
126
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Got it. And these are the
kids with the weird names?
127
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Yeah, this is Lennox, that there
is Ryder, this is my mother.
128
00:05:54,305 --> 00:05:55,290
- Hi.
- How's it going?
129
00:05:55,291 --> 00:05:58,375
- Hey, how's Nona doing?
- Fantastic!
130
00:05:58,376 --> 00:06:00,980
Considering she's at death's door...
131
00:06:00,981 --> 00:06:03,441
Hold on. That's how you're walking?
132
00:06:03,442 --> 00:06:05,078
It's worked my whole life.
133
00:06:05,079 --> 00:06:07,647
No. Anybody can see it's not Tiffany.
134
00:06:07,648 --> 00:06:09,387
Much too lady-like.
135
00:06:09,388 --> 00:06:11,664
You gotta work it like
a skanky debutante.
136
00:06:11,665 --> 00:06:14,547
Tramp, slut, tramp,
slut, tramp, slut, tramp,
137
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:18,210
slut, tramp, slut slut,
tramp tramp, slut slut...
138
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:22,725
Mom, mom. We get it. We get it.
The whole neighborhood gets it.
139
00:06:22,726 --> 00:06:25,306
Come on, guys.
140
00:06:26,014 --> 00:06:27,201
[Door closes]
141
00:06:27,202 --> 00:06:28,548
Shh shh shh!
142
00:06:28,549 --> 00:06:31,077
- Okay okay.
- Yo, big sis!
143
00:06:31,078 --> 00:06:33,079
Shh, Joey! Nona's sleeping.
144
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,951
Thank God the doctors
still let us give her wine.
145
00:06:35,952 --> 00:06:37,909
- Uncle Joe!
- Hey.
146
00:06:37,910 --> 00:06:39,672
How was the drive? Did
you take the parkway?
147
00:06:39,673 --> 00:06:42,712
No, I-95. 65 miles per
the whole way, no tolls.
148
00:06:42,713 --> 00:06:43,696
That is genius.
149
00:06:43,697 --> 00:06:45,787
We'll let the historians
judge, know what I mean?
150
00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:48,164
Yeah, guys, this is my nephew Marco.
151
00:06:48,165 --> 00:06:50,195
Marco, meet Ryder and
that there is Lennox.
152
00:06:50,196 --> 00:06:53,099
Lennox? That's not
a Moller-street name.
153
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:56,068
It's Scottish. It means
"with many Elm trees".
154
00:06:56,069 --> 00:07:00,139
I don't know any Elm trees,
but I bet I'd like 'em.
155
00:07:00,140 --> 00:07:03,109
So do we just stand here
until she wakes up or...
156
00:07:03,110 --> 00:07:05,177
- Doesn't wake up?
- Let her sleep.
157
00:07:05,178 --> 00:07:08,420
We'll get you folks fed,
especially the skinny boy.
158
00:07:08,421 --> 00:07:10,972
- Come on.
- All right, the skinny boy!
159
00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:13,565
I already have a street name.
160
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,476
[Clatters]
161
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:19,250
Hey, Nona! Hey, it's me... Joey!
162
00:07:19,251 --> 00:07:20,925
Joey!
163
00:07:20,926 --> 00:07:23,680
Oh, and is that Tiffany?
164
00:07:23,681 --> 00:07:25,474
Who else would it be?
165
00:07:25,475 --> 00:07:27,515
Oh oh.
166
00:07:29,302 --> 00:07:30,670
[Joe chuckles]
167
00:07:30,671 --> 00:07:32,749
What are you... [chuckles]
168
00:07:32,750 --> 00:07:34,850
It's...
169
00:07:35,408 --> 00:07:37,522
- It's really you!
- [Laughs]
170
00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,662
Oh, my Tiffany!
171
00:07:39,663 --> 00:07:41,218
And you, Joey!
172
00:07:41,219 --> 00:07:44,219
- Ma familia!
- Hey!
173
00:07:45,383 --> 00:07:47,663
We're in.
174
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,510
[Music]
175
00:07:53,064 --> 00:07:56,544
99 years old tomorrow, wow!
176
00:07:56,621 --> 00:07:58,686
What are you going to get her?
177
00:07:58,687 --> 00:07:59,938
Soft food.
178
00:07:59,939 --> 00:08:03,681
So, Lennox, girl of the Elms...
179
00:08:03,682 --> 00:08:06,109
- Listen...
- I have a boyfriend. Thank you.
180
00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:07,508
And I'm sure he's a great guy.
181
00:08:07,509 --> 00:08:09,831
I was just gonna offer to show
you around the neighborhood.
182
00:08:09,832 --> 00:08:12,995
There might be a body
floating down the river.
183
00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:17,676
I'm kidding. They
fished it out last week.
184
00:08:17,967 --> 00:08:21,329
Well, I am very curious
about New Jersey...
185
00:08:21,330 --> 00:08:23,797
Its ways and customs,
your cultural mores.
186
00:08:23,798 --> 00:08:26,127
Hey, there's a brand-new dollar
store that just opened up.
187
00:08:26,128 --> 00:08:28,741
You can buy a pack of
"AA" batteries for a buck.
188
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,531
Well, what are we waiting for?
189
00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:34,842
Hey, Marco! Stop flirting and
get Nona a fresh pillowcase.
190
00:08:34,843 --> 00:08:37,417
I'm on it, ma.
191
00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:40,532
So what do you mean
you have a boyfriend?
192
00:08:40,533 --> 00:08:44,552
Aren't you and Zander on a whole
pre-college trial-separation "pause" thing?
193
00:08:44,553 --> 00:08:47,817
Yes. However, I am utterly
uninterested in someone like Marco,
194
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:50,096
so I lied and said I was taken.
195
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:52,760
All girls say that to
guys they don't like.
196
00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:54,353
They do?
197
00:08:54,354 --> 00:08:57,288
That explains so much.
198
00:08:57,289 --> 00:08:58,916
Joey...
199
00:08:58,917 --> 00:09:04,173
That was the first time your Grandmother
has been on her feet in a week.
200
00:09:04,174 --> 00:09:05,906
And you know why?
201
00:09:05,907 --> 00:09:08,629
You. She saw "Tiffany"...
202
00:09:08,630 --> 00:09:11,341
And it gave her the will to live.
203
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,417
Ha! And you didn't think
I could pull this off.
204
00:09:13,418 --> 00:09:15,749
No, that was you. I begged you to do it.
205
00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:18,406
- Let it go.
- I will say this...
206
00:09:18,407 --> 00:09:23,149
She is a big improvement over
the original blow-up doll.
207
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:27,906
Mel Burke, you are obviously a
very giving and selfless person.
208
00:09:27,907 --> 00:09:30,324
See, she gets me.
209
00:09:30,325 --> 00:09:33,823
Hey, Gloria, do you have
any more of that capa...
210
00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:35,045
Capa meat stuff?
211
00:09:35,046 --> 00:09:37,416
Capicola. Capicola.
212
00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:39,247
Capicola. Capicola.
213
00:09:39,248 --> 00:09:40,740
Say it.
214
00:09:40,741 --> 00:09:43,101
- Capicola?
- He's Italian!
215
00:09:43,102 --> 00:09:44,773
And so handsome.
216
00:09:44,774 --> 00:09:46,796
You remind me of this one over here.
217
00:09:46,797 --> 00:09:49,528
Now you just sit down
and I will do everything.
218
00:09:49,529 --> 00:09:52,786
- You've had a hard day.
- But I was just sitting in a car.
219
00:09:52,787 --> 00:09:55,117
Wasting away in a car if you ask me.
220
00:09:55,118 --> 00:09:57,631
Now you just sit down
and eat while I tell you
221
00:09:57,632 --> 00:10:01,348
what a good-looking and
wonderful boy you are.
222
00:10:01,349 --> 00:10:05,279
Wow, we are witnessing the
origin story of Joe's ego.
223
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,778
[Ryder chuckles]
224
00:10:06,779 --> 00:10:08,699
Yeah.
225
00:10:10,939 --> 00:10:13,066
- Hey.
- Joey, where are you going?
226
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,311
In 20 minutes we wake
her to watch "jeopardy".
227
00:10:15,312 --> 00:10:18,713
I mean, she doesn't know any of
the answers, but she likes the song.
228
00:10:18,714 --> 00:10:20,650
We're just going to go to the hotel.
229
00:10:20,651 --> 00:10:23,246
- Tiffany!
- Ah! Oh, it's got me!
230
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:25,232
I mean, uh, yes, Nona?
231
00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:26,580
Where are you going?
232
00:10:26,581 --> 00:10:28,756
We'll be back in a couple hours, okay?
233
00:10:28,757 --> 00:10:29,971
Don't leave me.
234
00:10:29,972 --> 00:10:33,389
I don't know how much time
I have left. I'm so weak.
235
00:10:33,390 --> 00:10:35,730
Ow ow ow ow ow!
236
00:10:35,731 --> 00:10:38,061
Please, stay in this house tonight.
237
00:10:38,062 --> 00:10:40,068
If we do, will you let go?
238
00:10:40,069 --> 00:10:43,213
You can sleep in Joey's old room.
239
00:10:43,214 --> 00:10:45,264
Us? Together?
240
00:10:45,265 --> 00:10:48,745
Like a married couple does.
241
00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:52,305
Uh, yes yes. Of course we will, Nona.
242
00:10:52,306 --> 00:10:53,481
Anything you say.
243
00:10:53,482 --> 00:10:56,423
But, JoeJoeBee, we have
a hotel reservation.
244
00:10:56,424 --> 00:11:00,157
Yes, TiffyPop, but Nona
dying for us to sleep here.
245
00:11:00,158 --> 00:11:01,755
Okeydokey. We'll stay here.
246
00:11:01,756 --> 00:11:03,724
[Chuckles]
247
00:11:03,725 --> 00:11:05,386
It's a small bed.
248
00:11:05,387 --> 00:11:09,399
So you're gonna have to get real cozy.
249
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,500
[Laughs]
250
00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:14,902
I just made a joke.
251
00:11:14,903 --> 00:11:17,543
- [Slaps]
- Ow!
252
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:21,519
Your sweet old Grandmother
just groped me on the ass.
253
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,380
If you're gonna shake it like
that, you can't blame her.
254
00:11:25,381 --> 00:11:27,043
Hey, so as soon as
the house quiets down,
255
00:11:27,044 --> 00:11:29,605
I'll move downstairs and
bunk in the spare room, okay?
256
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:34,855
Well, I am not sleeping under a poster
of whoever that chick is on the ceiling.
257
00:11:34,856 --> 00:11:37,958
Are you kidding me? Who grew up in
America and didn't know who Vendela was?
258
00:11:37,959 --> 00:11:39,573
Who?
259
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,428
Vendela Kirsebom, the swimsuit
model. Come on, she was huge.
260
00:11:42,429 --> 00:11:45,376
Actually in this neighborhood she
was even bigger than Ashley Montana.
261
00:11:45,377 --> 00:11:47,535
Again, who?
262
00:11:47,536 --> 00:11:51,939
That one over there, with the snake
covering up all the good stuff.
263
00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:56,052
You know what? You and the girls can
stay here and relive the glory days and
264
00:11:56,053 --> 00:12:01,953
I'll go find a room where the decor is a
little less "ma, would you knock first?!"
265
00:12:03,819 --> 00:12:06,819
How you ladies been?
266
00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:10,170
[Door opens]
267
00:12:16,865 --> 00:12:19,060
Ah ah! Nona!
268
00:12:19,061 --> 00:12:22,302
Uh, look at you, smacking people awake.
269
00:12:22,303 --> 00:12:27,223
I know the truth! You
are not fooling anybody.
270
00:12:32,581 --> 00:12:34,967
I know what's really going on.
271
00:12:34,968 --> 00:12:37,048
Um, well, you see, I...
272
00:12:37,049 --> 00:12:39,588
I did it all for Joe. It
comes from a good place.
273
00:12:39,589 --> 00:12:41,821
Don't die, okay?
274
00:12:41,822 --> 00:12:44,030
There is trouble in this marriage.
275
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,410
Oh, marriage!
276
00:12:45,411 --> 00:12:47,975
No no, there's no trouble.
277
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:50,845
No, this is what we do
to keep things fresh.
278
00:12:50,846 --> 00:12:53,748
You know, when Joe wants
me, he has to come find me.
279
00:12:53,749 --> 00:12:56,378
Come and get me, JoeJoeBee!
280
00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:59,228
A wife should share her husband's bed.
281
00:12:59,229 --> 00:13:02,838
- Generally yes...
- Hey, what's up?
282
00:13:02,839 --> 00:13:05,168
- Nona!
- You found me, lover!
283
00:13:05,169 --> 00:13:08,337
I was just explaining to
dear Nona how I like to hide,
284
00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:11,041
which explains why I
wasn't sleeping in your bed.
285
00:13:11,042 --> 00:13:13,238
Oh, yes yes.
286
00:13:13,239 --> 00:13:15,771
Yes, that's something
that we like to do.
287
00:13:15,772 --> 00:13:17,046
It keeps it exciting.
288
00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:18,585
- [Laughs] Where are you, huh?
- Boo.
289
00:13:18,586 --> 00:13:19,749
- Where are you?
- Boo.
290
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:21,488
There she is. She's
right there, you see...
291
00:13:21,489 --> 00:13:23,887
There is great unhappiness
between you two.
292
00:13:23,888 --> 00:13:26,912
That's why there are no
children in this marriage.
293
00:13:26,913 --> 00:13:29,075
- Ooh.
- Oh oh oh, here here here.
294
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:31,028
Come on, let's set you down. Come on.
295
00:13:31,029 --> 00:13:34,820
Mel, up please, thank you. Thank
you, Mel. There you go, Nona.
296
00:13:34,821 --> 00:13:36,442
Who's Mel?
297
00:13:36,443 --> 00:13:40,242
Mel... that's... it's a...
that's a nickname that I call her.
298
00:13:40,243 --> 00:13:42,258
Yeah yeah, it stands for...
299
00:13:42,259 --> 00:13:44,413
My eternal love.
300
00:13:44,414 --> 00:13:46,732
My husband used to call me Strega.
301
00:13:46,733 --> 00:13:48,801
Aren't pet names sweet?
302
00:13:48,802 --> 00:13:51,159
It means "witch"!
303
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:52,871
Aw.
304
00:13:52,872 --> 00:13:55,341
I want to speak to
your wife for a moment.
305
00:13:55,342 --> 00:13:56,742
Sure, yeah. Okay, here.
306
00:13:56,743 --> 00:13:58,710
- All right.
- Here, honey.
307
00:13:58,711 --> 00:14:01,231
Good. Tiffany?
308
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,849
Me? Oh yeah, shoot. Ahem.
309
00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:08,821
How many times a week do
you have marital relations?
310
00:14:08,822 --> 00:14:10,997
Well, that's pretty ♪ personal.
311
00:14:10,998 --> 00:14:14,397
♪ That's why I'm asking!
312
00:14:14,398 --> 00:14:17,256
- Uh...
- How many times?
313
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,180
Uh, twice! Twice a week.
314
00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:21,986
That's not enough!
315
00:14:21,987 --> 00:14:24,533
A man needs comfort from a woman.
316
00:14:24,534 --> 00:14:28,885
Especially if he's a big man in
the business world like Joseph.
317
00:14:28,886 --> 00:14:31,142
Up in his high building.
318
00:14:31,143 --> 00:14:33,779
You capture him so well.
319
00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:36,466
I know he can be a little headstrong.
320
00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:39,785
That's what he's been like
since his father walked out.
321
00:14:39,786 --> 00:14:45,686
And Joey was only 10 and he
had to be the man of the house.
322
00:14:46,390 --> 00:14:48,219
All right, now switch, switch.
323
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:51,825
I want to talk to my favorite grandson.
324
00:14:51,826 --> 00:14:55,182
Sorry about that. They all
love me here. I can do no wrong.
325
00:14:55,183 --> 00:14:57,403
Ow, whoa!
326
00:14:57,631 --> 00:14:59,522
What's the matter with you, huh?
327
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:01,933
This woman is an Angel.
328
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:04,909
I have always told you that.
329
00:15:04,910 --> 00:15:07,764
- Stop fighting with her.
- I'm not fighting with her.
330
00:15:07,765 --> 00:15:09,988
Don't lie to a dying lady!
331
00:15:09,989 --> 00:15:12,454
Hey, not the cane, okay? Not the cane.
332
00:15:12,455 --> 00:15:15,032
All right, now hold hands.
333
00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:17,373
Hold hands.
334
00:15:17,557 --> 00:15:20,677
Ooh, look at you two.
335
00:15:20,686 --> 00:15:24,226
You're made for each other.
336
00:15:25,319 --> 00:15:28,223
Look, you didn't have to buy me flowers.
337
00:15:28,224 --> 00:15:30,204
- Here.
- But you look good with them.
338
00:15:30,205 --> 00:15:32,671
They bring out your pretty eyes.
339
00:15:32,672 --> 00:15:36,145
All right, look, Marco, while I
appreciate the tour of the meat district.
340
00:15:36,146 --> 00:15:39,476
- And seeing all the pigs' heads dangling.
- That's something, isn't it?
341
00:15:39,477 --> 00:15:43,353
I just, I need you to understand
that this is going to stay platonic.
342
00:15:43,354 --> 00:15:47,316
I don't know that word, but
I get it through context.
343
00:15:47,317 --> 00:15:49,888
Listen, while we're here I
gotta get cigarettes for my dad.
344
00:15:49,889 --> 00:15:53,526
Turns out they're not so bad for you.
345
00:15:53,527 --> 00:15:56,287
I'm not serious.
346
00:15:58,831 --> 00:16:02,260
Nice flowers. What are those, tulips?
347
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:03,389
I think so.
348
00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:05,704
I know where she
oughta put her two lips.
349
00:16:05,705 --> 00:16:08,306
- Right here.
- All right, guys, give it a rest.
350
00:16:08,307 --> 00:16:10,251
- It's not working.
- Oh, it could work.
351
00:16:10,252 --> 00:16:12,409
- And I could show you how.
- Just leave me alone.
352
00:16:12,410 --> 00:16:15,025
That sounded pretty clear to me,
fellas. She said leave her alone.
353
00:16:15,026 --> 00:16:17,849
- Who cares what you think?
- Well, that's a good question.
354
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:22,093
- Let my friend knuckles explain it to you.
- [Grunts]
355
00:16:22,094 --> 00:16:26,054
Hey! You forgot your garbage here!
356
00:16:31,798 --> 00:16:33,899
I'm really sorry about that.
357
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,919
- Are you okay?
- Very much so.
358
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,029
How's your hand?
359
00:16:39,030 --> 00:16:41,070
Lonely.
360
00:16:46,563 --> 00:16:49,368
Aunt Lena, Uncle Vince,
what's up? Paulie, hey!
361
00:16:49,369 --> 00:16:50,585
Sis, you need a hand?
362
00:16:50,586 --> 00:16:52,196
Oh, now that all the hard work is done,
363
00:16:52,197 --> 00:16:54,571
Mr. Thinks-he's-so-charming
shows-up-asking-if-he-can-help.
364
00:16:54,572 --> 00:16:57,394
You look great, Theresa.
You lost weight, didn't you?
365
00:16:57,395 --> 00:17:00,542
- I did. Thanks for noticing.
- Yeah! [Chuckles]
366
00:17:00,543 --> 00:17:02,583
[Gasps]
367
00:17:03,429 --> 00:17:05,139
What the heck's going on there?
368
00:17:05,140 --> 00:17:08,581
- They make a cute couple, don't they?
- No, they don't.
369
00:17:08,582 --> 00:17:11,999
Hey, Marco, you know she's only
here for one more day, right?
370
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,704
Yeah, I can count.
371
00:17:13,705 --> 00:17:15,938
Oh, good. Because you know
even though I'm your Uncle
372
00:17:15,939 --> 00:17:18,329
and I love you, my love
has limits. [Chuckles]
373
00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:19,500
Physical limits.
374
00:17:19,501 --> 00:17:21,712
It's Nona's big day, Uncle
Joe, come on, lighten up.
375
00:17:21,713 --> 00:17:23,619
Hey, come on, hey hey.
376
00:17:23,620 --> 00:17:26,117
- Okay.
- [Groans]
377
00:17:26,118 --> 00:17:28,006
I could get out of this if I wanted.
378
00:17:28,007 --> 00:17:28,984
[Laughs]
379
00:17:28,985 --> 00:17:31,185
No, you couldn't.
380
00:17:31,186 --> 00:17:35,360
Wow, there's just so
much testosterone here.
381
00:17:35,361 --> 00:17:37,841
Ma, we only got 94 candles.
382
00:17:37,842 --> 00:17:42,104
That's all the fire marshal would allow.
383
00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:44,505
So, Ryder...
384
00:17:44,839 --> 00:17:45,906
[Chuckles]
385
00:17:45,907 --> 00:17:47,631
Are you happy here?
386
00:17:47,632 --> 00:17:49,374
Are we treating you well?
387
00:17:49,375 --> 00:17:51,342
Are you kidding? You're
treating me like a King.
388
00:17:51,343 --> 00:17:55,648
I'm so glad you appreciate
all we have done for you.
389
00:17:55,649 --> 00:17:57,465
And now...
390
00:17:57,466 --> 00:18:02,118
In return I must ask
that you do me a service.
391
00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:04,632
A service? What... what kind of service?
392
00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:07,867
Like take out the recycling or...
393
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:13,198
A problem has come into our neighborhood
and you, Ryder, must take care of it.
394
00:18:13,199 --> 00:18:15,359
[Inhales]
395
00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:18,889
I need you to kill a rat.
396
00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:22,575
You mean murder?
397
00:18:22,576 --> 00:18:28,213
When a thief steals in this
neighborhood, he must pay with his life.
398
00:18:28,214 --> 00:18:31,571
But I... I've... I've
never killed before.
399
00:18:31,572 --> 00:18:34,576
This is what's expected
of the men in our family.
400
00:18:34,577 --> 00:18:37,223
Ma, I need you. Nona
can't find her teeth.
401
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:40,000
Did anybody check
between the sofa cushions?
402
00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:44,321
I'll do it like I do everything else.
403
00:18:44,594 --> 00:18:47,031
So ma's putting you to work?
404
00:18:47,032 --> 00:18:49,506
She gave me a job.
405
00:18:49,507 --> 00:18:51,609
Don't let her down.
406
00:18:51,610 --> 00:18:53,410
Aw.
407
00:18:54,774 --> 00:18:57,553
All right, everyone needs a full glass!
408
00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:00,269
We are going to toast the birthday girl.
409
00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:04,500
No! My favorites will drink the
good stuff from this special bottle.
410
00:19:04,501 --> 00:19:06,251
Now don't spill any.
411
00:19:06,252 --> 00:19:09,955
Trust me, I am very skilled
at not wasting alcohol.
412
00:19:09,956 --> 00:19:12,189
I think that's why I
fell in love with her.
413
00:19:12,190 --> 00:19:15,670
Everyone raise your glasses!
414
00:19:15,790 --> 00:19:17,857
To grandmama Sofia!
415
00:19:17,858 --> 00:19:20,335
May she live for another hundred years.
416
00:19:20,336 --> 00:19:22,676
God forbid!
417
00:19:23,138 --> 00:19:26,254
- Salute, everybody.
- [Toasting]
418
00:19:26,255 --> 00:19:28,415
Wow, what is this?
419
00:19:28,416 --> 00:19:30,341
Italian lighter fluid?
420
00:19:30,342 --> 00:19:32,934
[Coughs] That's some old-country
moonshine right there.
421
00:19:32,935 --> 00:19:37,975
Drink! Empty the glass
otherwise you dishonor me.
422
00:19:39,023 --> 00:19:40,166
Wow!
423
00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:43,012
This rust-remover kinda grows on
you once your mouth stops burning.
424
00:19:43,013 --> 00:19:44,252
[Coughs]
425
00:19:44,253 --> 00:19:47,933
- Are you beginning to feel it?
- Give me that!
426
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:50,251
Nona, you didn't!
427
00:19:50,252 --> 00:19:52,064
I did!
428
00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:54,478
It's fine. They're a married couple.
429
00:19:54,479 --> 00:19:56,518
No, they're not!
430
00:19:56,519 --> 00:20:00,027
Not accustomed to such a strong drink.
431
00:20:00,028 --> 00:20:02,732
You shouldn't have done that
without warning them first.
432
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:06,813
I'm 99. I can do whatever I want.
433
00:20:07,322 --> 00:20:10,315
Mom, what's going on?
434
00:20:10,316 --> 00:20:12,503
Infuso di coniglio.
435
00:20:12,504 --> 00:20:16,567
It's the brew of the
rabbits. It's a love potion.
436
00:20:16,568 --> 00:20:18,123
[Both laugh]
437
00:20:18,124 --> 00:20:21,784
Nona made another joke, right?
438
00:20:22,093 --> 00:20:24,133
Right?!
439
00:20:25,297 --> 00:20:27,697
[Both sniff]
440
00:20:30,239 --> 00:20:32,078
Really? We drank a love potion?
441
00:20:32,079 --> 00:20:34,348
With magic powers? Gimme a break.
442
00:20:34,349 --> 00:20:36,966
Come on, mom. That's just some
crazy old-world Voodoo, right?
443
00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:41,637
The rabbit's brew has produced
17 marriages and 80 children.
444
00:20:41,638 --> 00:20:45,565
And those are just the ones
we know are definitely ours.
445
00:20:45,566 --> 00:20:47,793
It channels the life force.
446
00:20:47,794 --> 00:20:49,679
The animal spirit.
447
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,247
It's...
448
00:20:51,248 --> 00:20:53,366
Irresistible.
449
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:55,368
Come on, mom.
450
00:20:55,369 --> 00:20:58,849
[Italian folk music playing]
451
00:21:00,332 --> 00:21:02,612
Holy crap.
452
00:21:07,896 --> 00:21:09,996
[Chimes]