1
00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:02,593
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,793 --> 00:00:05,076
Tell me, Henry,
3
00:00:05,078 --> 00:00:07,895
why do you want to be
Mr. Schmidt's assistant?
4
00:00:07,897 --> 00:00:09,080
He's my hero.
5
00:00:09,082 --> 00:00:10,665
I know everything about him.
6
00:00:11,383 --> 00:00:14,518
"Possible stalker."
7
00:00:15,587 --> 00:00:17,755
And why do you think
you're qualified?
8
00:00:17,757 --> 00:00:20,141
Like him,
I graduated high school at 16.
9
00:00:20,143 --> 00:00:22,426
Then I completed the four-year
computer science program
10
00:00:22,428 --> 00:00:23,877
at Harvard
in just under two years,
11
00:00:23,879 --> 00:00:26,314
during which,
I founded an Internet startup,
12
00:00:26,316 --> 00:00:29,083
and I'm currently two semesters
shy of my law degree.
13
00:00:29,085 --> 00:00:33,020
So, "no law degree."
14
00:00:33,989 --> 00:00:35,189
Let me tell you a few things
15
00:00:35,191 --> 00:00:36,774
about Walden Schmidt
you may not know.
16
00:00:36,776 --> 00:00:38,075
Uh, the man is a genius.
17
00:00:38,077 --> 00:00:39,860
I knew that.
18
00:00:39,862 --> 00:00:42,896
"Likes to interrupt."
19
00:00:43,949 --> 00:00:46,450
He thinks in a different way
than the rest of us.
20
00:00:46,452 --> 00:00:48,569
His mind is always working.
21
00:00:48,571 --> 00:00:49,920
Every time he opens his mouth,
22
00:00:49,922 --> 00:00:51,622
it's because he has
something important to say.
23
00:00:51,624 --> 00:00:53,341
WALDEN:
Love the new toilet paper
24
00:00:53,343 --> 00:00:54,742
you bought, Alan.
25
00:00:54,744 --> 00:00:56,827
It's like sliding
down a rainbow.
26
00:00:57,996 --> 00:01:00,447
Except the pot at the end
doesn't have any gold in it.
27
00:01:00,449 --> 00:01:01,916
When you hear something
this good,
28
00:01:01,918 --> 00:01:03,384
you should write it down.
29
00:01:03,935 --> 00:01:05,086
I'm sorry.
30
00:01:05,088 --> 00:01:06,170
Who's this?
31
00:01:06,172 --> 00:01:07,672
Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson.
32
00:01:07,674 --> 00:01:09,974
He's interviewing
for the assistant job.
33
00:01:09,976 --> 00:01:12,109
Uh, assistant job?
34
00:01:12,111 --> 00:01:13,711
Hi, Mr. Schmidt.
35
00:01:13,713 --> 00:01:15,096
It's such an honor...
(stuttering)
36
00:01:15,098 --> 00:01:17,248
Eye contact.
37
00:01:17,250 --> 00:01:18,632
It's okay, Henry.
38
00:01:19,851 --> 00:01:21,468
(mouthing)
39
00:01:22,034 --> 00:01:23,719
Alan, can I
talk to you for a second.
40
00:01:23,744 --> 00:01:25,393
Uh, no problem,
Mr. Schmidt.
41
00:01:27,828 --> 00:01:29,186
Tie?
Really.
42
00:01:29,847 --> 00:01:31,239
Not looking good, Hank.
43
00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:35,036
What's up?
44
00:01:35,037 --> 00:01:37,771
Why are you interviewing Henry
to be my assistant
45
00:01:37,773 --> 00:01:40,040
when I just hired you
to be my assistant?
46
00:01:40,042 --> 00:01:42,259
Oh, no, no, he's interviewing
to be my assistant.
47
00:01:42,261 --> 00:01:43,560
Your assistant?
48
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:44,878
Well, intern, actually.
49
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,747
He's not gonna cost us a penny,
and he's gonna do
50
00:01:46,749 --> 00:01:48,449
all the menial stuff
I don't want to do.
51
00:01:48,451 --> 00:01:50,917
Well, why don't I
just hire him for free
52
00:01:50,919 --> 00:01:52,303
and cut out the middle man?
53
00:01:52,305 --> 00:01:54,688
And in case I'm going too fast,
you're the middle man.
54
00:01:54,690 --> 00:01:56,256
But I'm the big picture guy.
55
00:01:56,258 --> 00:01:58,392
See, bringing Henry
on to Team Schmidt...
56
00:01:58,394 --> 00:02:00,644
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Team Schmidt?
57
00:02:00,646 --> 00:02:02,146
Yeah, I'm gonna get
hats and shirts made.
58
00:02:02,148 --> 00:02:03,614
Well, Henry is.
59
00:02:03,616 --> 00:02:05,065
We're gonna have a new slogan.
60
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,134
"No bull-Schmidt."
61
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,771
"Schmidt happens."
62
00:02:10,773 --> 00:02:13,240
You're a Schmidt head.
63
00:02:15,627 --> 00:02:18,945
I hired you to be my assistant
to help you out financially
64
00:02:18,947 --> 00:02:20,914
'cause you had close
your chiropractic office.
65
00:02:20,916 --> 00:02:23,083
I didn't have to close it;
I'm in a rent dispute.
66
00:02:23,085 --> 00:02:25,953
People in rent disputes
don't fake their own death.
67
00:02:25,955 --> 00:02:27,738
(doorbell rings)
Oh, I'll get that.
68
00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,907
You are looking good today,
boss.
69
00:02:29,909 --> 00:02:31,442
That's why he got
good toilet paper.
70
00:02:31,444 --> 00:02:34,762
So my ass is clean
while he's kissing it.
71
00:02:34,764 --> 00:02:37,398
Huh, my 12:00
must be early.
72
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,983
Someone who really
wanted this job
73
00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:41,185
would've taken the initiative.
74
00:02:41,187 --> 00:02:42,770
Too late, Harvard.
75
00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:47,057
Hello.
76
00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:49,226
Hi. You Alan Harper?
77
00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:51,495
Yes, I am.
And, uh, and you are...?
78
00:02:51,497 --> 00:02:52,496
Your niece.
79
00:02:52,498 --> 00:02:53,864
Eurniece?
80
00:02:53,866 --> 00:02:55,482
That's a...
that's a pretty name.
81
00:02:55,484 --> 00:02:56,583
Is that Dutch?
82
00:02:56,585 --> 00:02:57,951
No, I'm Jenny.
83
00:02:57,953 --> 00:02:59,486
I'm your brother
Charlie's daughter.
84
00:02:59,488 --> 00:03:01,171
Uh, Henry?
Yes?
85
00:03:01,173 --> 00:03:02,489
Catch me.
86
00:03:04,342 --> 00:03:06,427
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
87
00:03:06,429 --> 00:03:07,557
♪ Ooh
♪ Men. ♪
88
00:03:07,558 --> 00:03:11,558
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x01 ♪
Nangnangnangnang
Original Air Date on September 26, 2013
89
00:03:11,561 --> 00:03:15,561
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
90
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:16,947
♪ Men. ♪
91
00:03:17,149 --> 00:03:18,982
Uh, I'm-I'm sorry,
92
00:03:18,984 --> 00:03:22,235
did-did you say that
you're... Charlie's daughter?
93
00:03:22,237 --> 00:03:23,904
Yeah.
94
00:03:23,906 --> 00:03:25,338
Listen, I got a wicked hangover.
95
00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:29,793
You got any aspirin, ibuprofen,
rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?
96
00:03:29,795 --> 00:03:32,078
Uh, yeah, yeah,
come on in.
97
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,581
Uh, Henry, uh,
get her an aspirin and vodka.
98
00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:36,066
On it!
99
00:03:36,068 --> 00:03:38,268
Kitchen's that way.
Damn it!
100
00:03:40,905 --> 00:03:42,305
I-I can't believe this.
101
00:03:42,307 --> 00:03:44,107
I mean, I can, but I-I can't.
102
00:03:44,109 --> 00:03:46,409
I mean, how did this happen?
103
00:03:46,411 --> 00:03:48,011
From what my mom told me...
104
00:03:48,013 --> 00:03:51,782
Ooh, can we... can we maybe
turn down the lights?
105
00:03:51,784 --> 00:03:53,800
That's the sun.
106
00:03:53,802 --> 00:03:55,468
Right, I hate the sun.
107
00:03:55,470 --> 00:03:58,155
It's like God calling you
an alcoholic.
108
00:03:59,357 --> 00:04:02,976
Anyway, according to my mom,
it was love at first sight.
109
00:04:02,978 --> 00:04:04,310
They met in a bar,
110
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,480
they got drunk and had sex
in the bathroom.
111
00:04:06,482 --> 00:04:10,083
(chuckles) It was like
a freakin' Disney movie.
112
00:04:11,302 --> 00:04:14,087
Poke-a-hot-ass.
113
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,341
And where did the kid go
for the vodka? Poland?
114
00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:20,243
Look, I don't mean
to be rude,
115
00:04:20,245 --> 00:04:22,546
but how do I know that you're
really Charlie's daughter?
116
00:04:22,548 --> 00:04:24,631
I mean, this could be
some kind of scam.
117
00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:26,850
I have a picture of us together.
118
00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:28,451
It's in here somewhere.
119
00:04:28,453 --> 00:04:30,437
Oh, look. (laughs)
120
00:04:30,439 --> 00:04:31,721
My vagina.
121
00:04:31,723 --> 00:04:33,990
(chuckles)
122
00:04:33,992 --> 00:04:35,675
Oh, wait, that's not mine.
123
00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:38,845
Oh, that's mine.
124
00:04:38,847 --> 00:04:40,897
(chuckles)
125
00:04:40,899 --> 00:04:42,148
Ah, there you go.
126
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:44,501
This was taken
at my fourth birthday party.
127
00:04:44,503 --> 00:04:47,654
Just a heads up, I might vomit;
where's the nearest bathroom?
128
00:04:47,656 --> 00:04:48,872
Oh, right down the hall.
129
00:04:48,874 --> 00:04:49,956
Okay, I think we're good,
130
00:04:49,958 --> 00:04:51,358
but it's always nice
to have a plan.
131
00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:54,244
Anyway, this was party was
the last time I saw him.
132
00:04:54,246 --> 00:04:56,046
After that,
he just sent checks.
133
00:04:56,048 --> 00:04:57,697
He-he sent checks?
134
00:04:57,699 --> 00:04:59,883
Yeah, my mom didn't want him
to have anything to do with me,
135
00:04:59,885 --> 00:05:01,751
but he always made sure
I was taken care of.
136
00:05:01,753 --> 00:05:04,203
He never said a word
about any of this to me.
137
00:05:04,205 --> 00:05:06,223
I'm his brother, his-his blood.
138
00:05:06,225 --> 00:05:07,741
Were they big checks?
139
00:05:07,743 --> 00:05:09,676
Yeah, got one every month.
140
00:05:09,678 --> 00:05:11,044
Bastard.
141
00:05:11,046 --> 00:05:14,364
My mom just called me special.
142
00:05:14,366 --> 00:05:15,632
This Henry guy is awesome.
143
00:05:15,634 --> 00:05:18,568
Did you know I won a
spelling bee in fifth grade?
144
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:22,355
I didn't!
145
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,560
Who's this,
Henry's assistant?
146
00:05:27,562 --> 00:05:30,330
Walden, this is Jenny,
147
00:05:30,332 --> 00:05:32,398
my brother's daughter.
148
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,868
Really?
149
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,787
Hi.
Hi.
150
00:05:37,789 --> 00:05:40,807
I, uh, didn't know
Charlie had a daughter.
151
00:05:40,809 --> 00:05:42,459
Neither did I.
152
00:05:42,461 --> 00:05:45,045
He sent her checks,
big checks.
153
00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:47,764
Not that that matters now.
154
00:05:47,766 --> 00:05:49,349
(whispers):
Every month!
155
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,269
Hey, am I related
156
00:05:52,271 --> 00:05:54,621
to Abercrombie & Fitch
over here?
157
00:05:54,623 --> 00:05:57,757
No, I own the house.
158
00:05:57,759 --> 00:06:00,026
Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.
159
00:06:00,028 --> 00:06:03,063
So does he.
160
00:06:03,065 --> 00:06:05,048
So, uh, tell us
more about you.
161
00:06:05,050 --> 00:06:06,700
Not much to tell.
162
00:06:06,702 --> 00:06:07,901
I was born in New York,
163
00:06:07,903 --> 00:06:09,986
got kicked
out of a few private schools,
164
00:06:09,988 --> 00:06:12,789
tried to become a doctor
to make my mom happy,
165
00:06:12,791 --> 00:06:15,425
dropped out, became an actress
to piss her off.
166
00:06:15,427 --> 00:06:16,826
An actress, oh.
167
00:06:16,828 --> 00:06:18,745
Your father loved actresses.
168
00:06:18,747 --> 00:06:20,714
Yeah, I was only going
to med school
169
00:06:20,716 --> 00:06:22,766
so I could write myself
prescriptions for oxy.
170
00:06:22,768 --> 00:06:25,585
Oh, your father loved oxy.
171
00:06:25,587 --> 00:06:27,437
HENRY:
Sorry it took so long.
172
00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,407
Here's vodka and two aspirin.
173
00:06:30,409 --> 00:06:32,625
Thank God. Oh.
174
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,796
I was wrong; I am gonna puke.
175
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,684
Your father
loved to puke.
176
00:06:40,686 --> 00:06:43,136
♪ Men. ♪
177
00:06:43,138 --> 00:06:44,654
So, when I was, like, five,
178
00:06:44,656 --> 00:06:47,357
my mom married
this total loser named Rob.
179
00:06:47,359 --> 00:06:49,743
He moved in with us
and never looked for a job,
180
00:06:49,745 --> 00:06:51,928
but he's been sponging
off of her ever since.
181
00:06:51,930 --> 00:06:54,147
Who does that?
182
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,635
So, uh, how long
you been in L.A.?
183
00:06:58,637 --> 00:06:59,602
Couple weeks.
184
00:06:59,604 --> 00:07:00,754
And you got a place to stay?
185
00:07:00,756 --> 00:07:03,206
He asks, knowing full well
she's a Harper.
186
00:07:03,955 --> 00:07:07,039
Yeah, I'm crashing
at a friend's house.
187
00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:08,441
That's great. Friends are great.
188
00:07:08,443 --> 00:07:10,710
You should make
some friends, Alan.
189
00:07:11,578 --> 00:07:13,379
So, just the two of you
live here?
190
00:07:13,381 --> 00:07:15,548
Uh, well, my son,
your cousin Jake,
191
00:07:15,550 --> 00:07:18,250
uh, used to live with us,
but he's in the army now.
192
00:07:18,252 --> 00:07:19,368
Stationed in Japan.
193
00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:21,404
Oh, that's impressive.
194
00:07:21,406 --> 00:07:22,605
Because of the time difference,
195
00:07:22,607 --> 00:07:24,874
he thinks he lives
in the future.
196
00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,559
Maybe we can call him
and find out
197
00:07:26,561 --> 00:07:28,344
when this headache's
gonna go away.
198
00:07:28,346 --> 00:07:30,363
Oh, and, uh,
you have a grandmother.
199
00:07:30,365 --> 00:07:31,931
Oh, that's great!
200
00:07:31,933 --> 00:07:34,099
In theory.
201
00:07:34,101 --> 00:07:35,768
When she finds out
she has a granddaughter,
202
00:07:35,770 --> 00:07:36,886
she's gonna have a heart attack.
203
00:07:36,888 --> 00:07:39,238
You know,
I'm gonna call her right now.
204
00:07:40,457 --> 00:07:42,274
♪ Men. ♪
205
00:07:42,276 --> 00:07:43,576
This is it.
206
00:07:43,578 --> 00:07:45,277
This was your dad's room.
207
00:07:45,279 --> 00:07:47,079
Wow.
208
00:07:47,081 --> 00:07:50,716
I always tried to imagine
what my dad's life was like.
209
00:07:50,718 --> 00:07:53,486
It's weird to finally see it.
210
00:07:53,488 --> 00:07:56,255
I never met him,
but I heard he was quite a guy.
211
00:07:56,257 --> 00:07:59,075
I heard he was
a drunken man whore.
212
00:07:59,077 --> 00:08:02,028
Like I said, quite a guy.
213
00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:03,346
So, uh,
214
00:08:03,348 --> 00:08:05,081
this your and Alan's room?
215
00:08:05,083 --> 00:08:06,149
What?
216
00:08:06,151 --> 00:08:07,683
(chuckles):
No.
217
00:08:07,685 --> 00:08:09,318
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
218
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,820
We're not... I'm not...
219
00:08:10,822 --> 00:08:12,738
The, um... really?
220
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,258
You really don't think
I can do better than Alan?
221
00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:16,609
I don't know.
222
00:08:16,611 --> 00:08:19,479
Maybe he's got a huge schlong.
223
00:08:19,481 --> 00:08:21,981
Well, we're not a couple,
and he doesn't.
224
00:08:23,450 --> 00:08:25,418
Which is fine.
I mean, not that size matters.
225
00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:26,485
Not that I was looking.
226
00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:27,670
I'm not gay.
227
00:08:27,672 --> 00:08:30,990
So why is he still living here?
228
00:08:30,992 --> 00:08:32,675
Well, at first...
229
00:08:32,677 --> 00:08:34,160
Then...
230
00:08:34,162 --> 00:08:35,761
I don't know.
231
00:08:36,697 --> 00:08:38,915
So, um,
232
00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:40,850
this is where your
dad used to sleep.
233
00:08:40,852 --> 00:08:42,468
I got a new mattress,
234
00:08:42,470 --> 00:08:45,087
and I replaced the
carpets and the drapes
235
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:49,192
and pretty much anything
that could absorb fluid.
236
00:08:49,194 --> 00:08:50,476
Wow.
237
00:08:50,478 --> 00:08:51,677
If these walls could talk.
238
00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:54,764
They'd probably say,
"Can I get a towel?"
239
00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:56,115
So, I mean,
240
00:08:56,117 --> 00:08:58,951
I wish there was more
that Charlie left behind.
241
00:08:58,953 --> 00:09:01,103
You know, other than Alan.
242
00:09:01,105 --> 00:09:03,372
So... (sighs)
243
00:09:03,374 --> 00:09:07,359
my dad stood in this same spot,
staring out at the ocean.
244
00:09:07,361 --> 00:09:09,528
I wonder what was going
through his mind.
245
00:09:09,530 --> 00:09:11,497
I wonder what he was thinking.
246
00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:13,082
Besides, of course,
247
00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:17,053
"how can I nail those two
hot surfer chicks out there?"
248
00:09:17,055 --> 00:09:19,672
Huh, now I'm thinking it.
249
00:09:19,674 --> 00:09:21,591
Oh, please.
250
00:09:21,593 --> 00:09:24,961
With your looks and this house,
I'm sure you do fine.
251
00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:26,946
Well, you'd think that,
but the truth is,
252
00:09:26,948 --> 00:09:29,148
when it comes to women,
I've never really been much
253
00:09:29,150 --> 00:09:30,549
of a casual sex
kind of guy.
254
00:09:30,551 --> 00:09:32,401
And every time I do
get close to one,
255
00:09:32,403 --> 00:09:33,836
she ends up pulling
away from me,
256
00:09:33,838 --> 00:09:35,738
and then I wind up
back in this room,
257
00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:39,058
thinking where I
went wrong again.
258
00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:40,760
Alone.
259
00:09:42,429 --> 00:09:44,630
So alone.
260
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:48,901
(sighs)
261
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,904
Oh, yeah.
262
00:09:51,906 --> 00:09:54,106
(chuckles)
You're not gay.
263
00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:58,494
Mom, I have some news for you.
264
00:09:58,496 --> 00:10:00,730
Sit down.
265
00:10:00,732 --> 00:10:02,999
Okay, push him off and sit up.
266
00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:06,185
Um, I know this is gonna come
as quite the shock,
267
00:10:06,187 --> 00:10:09,772
but it turns out
Charlie has a daughter.
268
00:10:11,091 --> 00:10:13,809
Mom? Mom?
269
00:10:13,811 --> 00:10:16,212
Are you dead?
270
00:10:16,214 --> 00:10:17,697
Oh, good.
271
00:10:17,699 --> 00:10:19,782
Um, no, I know.
272
00:10:19,784 --> 00:10:21,317
I know, it's crazy, right?
273
00:10:21,319 --> 00:10:23,085
Yeah, no, she's here now.
274
00:10:23,087 --> 00:10:25,071
Well, well, come on over.
275
00:10:25,073 --> 00:10:27,573
Okay, finish first
and then come over.
276
00:10:28,942 --> 00:10:31,327
Good news.
Uh, my mother's on her way over.
277
00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:33,896
First time I've ever said that.
278
00:10:33,898 --> 00:10:36,115
Wow, insta-family.
279
00:10:36,117 --> 00:10:38,117
Uncle, grandmother,
280
00:10:38,119 --> 00:10:39,468
step-hot-guy.
281
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:41,604
I'm sorry,
I don't know what to call you.
282
00:10:41,606 --> 00:10:43,589
Oh, step-hot-guy works.
283
00:10:43,591 --> 00:10:45,958
All that's missing is my dad.
284
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,511
Actually, he's here, too.
285
00:10:48,513 --> 00:10:50,429
Um, follow me.
286
00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:51,897
Uh, where are we going?
287
00:10:51,899 --> 00:10:53,583
Uh, well, you know how sailors
get buried at sea?
288
00:10:53,584 --> 00:10:54,128
Yeah.
289
00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,153
I keep Charlie
in the liquor cabinet.
290
00:10:57,821 --> 00:10:59,471
Let's see.
291
00:10:59,473 --> 00:11:04,026
Uh, Johnnie Walker,
Jack Daniel's...
292
00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:05,695
Charlie Harper.
293
00:11:06,730 --> 00:11:10,333
Huh, he looks different
than his pictures.
294
00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:14,453
Um, Charlie, this is
your daughter Jenny.
295
00:11:14,455 --> 00:11:16,672
Hi, Dad!
296
00:11:17,841 --> 00:11:20,126
This seems weird. Does this
seem weird to anybody else?
297
00:11:20,128 --> 00:11:22,261
Yes, it's weird.
298
00:11:22,263 --> 00:11:26,682
Almost as weird as
when we take him to the movies.
299
00:11:29,436 --> 00:11:31,270
Charlie, I wish you were here
300
00:11:31,272 --> 00:11:34,357
to see how beautiful
your daughter turned out.
301
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,026
I-I think you'd be impressed.
302
00:11:37,028 --> 00:11:38,527
I think a lot of...
303
00:11:38,529 --> 00:11:40,529
Oh!
304
00:11:40,531 --> 00:11:42,298
(coughs)
305
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,884
Oh, not again.
306
00:11:44,886 --> 00:11:47,019
I ain't cleaning that up.
307
00:11:55,564 --> 00:11:57,931
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:12:02,395 --> 00:12:03,345
Oh. Oh, look.
309
00:12:03,346 --> 00:12:05,179
A quarter.
310
00:12:07,716 --> 00:12:09,266
Unbelievable.
311
00:12:09,268 --> 00:12:11,585
You even mooch
off the dead.
312
00:12:12,771 --> 00:12:13,887
One more.
313
00:12:13,889 --> 00:12:15,922
Yeah, you're
Charlie's daughter.
314
00:12:15,924 --> 00:12:17,558
You don't seem very surprised.
315
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,411
Only surprised there aren't
more of you running around.
316
00:12:20,413 --> 00:12:24,365
God, I loved your dad.
317
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,283
I remember the first
time I met him.
318
00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:28,719
He asked me if I knew
how to do three things:
319
00:12:28,721 --> 00:12:30,788
cook, clean and
score an eight ball
320
00:12:30,790 --> 00:12:32,623
at 2:30 in the morning.
321
00:12:33,892 --> 00:12:36,960
I told him I didn't know
how to cook or clean.
322
00:12:36,962 --> 00:12:38,612
I've been here ever since.
323
00:12:38,614 --> 00:12:40,113
(laughs)
324
00:12:40,115 --> 00:12:42,416
I'm-I'm sure you have
a story about Charlie
325
00:12:42,418 --> 00:12:43,701
that doesn't involve drugs.
326
00:12:43,703 --> 00:12:47,004
Okay. One time
at Mardi Gras...
327
00:12:47,006 --> 00:12:48,505
Or alcohol.
328
00:12:48,507 --> 00:12:49,923
All right.
329
00:12:49,925 --> 00:12:51,942
Once when Charlie
was in Vegas...
330
00:12:51,944 --> 00:12:53,894
Or hookers.
331
00:12:53,896 --> 00:12:56,980
Geez, you're really
tying my hands!
332
00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,083
Okay, I got it.
333
00:12:59,085 --> 00:13:01,034
It was New Year's Eve,
334
00:13:01,036 --> 00:13:03,704
and Charlie was
super not drunk,
335
00:13:03,706 --> 00:13:06,724
and he was with this
crazy not hooker,
336
00:13:06,726 --> 00:13:10,043
and he decided to have
his sphincter bleached.
337
00:13:10,045 --> 00:13:11,995
Whoa! Whoa!
What?
338
00:13:11,997 --> 00:13:12,963
Why?
339
00:13:12,965 --> 00:13:15,499
Because he cared
about women.
340
00:13:16,684 --> 00:13:20,671
Unfortunately, it got
infected, and he needed me
341
00:13:20,673 --> 00:13:23,757
(voice breaks): to dab
a little ointment...
342
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:25,626
I'm sorry.
343
00:13:25,628 --> 00:13:28,112
It's just that I miss him
so much!
344
00:13:28,114 --> 00:13:30,848
God took the wrong Harper!
345
00:13:31,883 --> 00:13:33,851
(door closes)
346
00:13:33,853 --> 00:13:36,353
EVELYN:
Where is my granddaughter?
347
00:13:36,355 --> 00:13:38,439
Did it just get cold in here?
348
00:13:39,624 --> 00:13:42,392
Oh, my God.
349
00:13:42,394 --> 00:13:44,010
Look at you.
350
00:13:44,012 --> 00:13:45,562
Mom, this is Jenny.
351
00:13:45,564 --> 00:13:46,613
Jenny,
352
00:13:46,615 --> 00:13:48,232
this is Evelyn.
353
00:13:48,234 --> 00:13:50,033
You are so beautiful.
354
00:13:50,035 --> 00:13:52,369
You remind me of me
ten years ago.
355
00:13:53,955 --> 00:13:56,290
Your father was
the apple of my eye.
356
00:13:56,292 --> 00:13:57,791
My greatest gift.
357
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,460
My reason for living.
358
00:14:00,311 --> 00:14:01,361
Uh, hello.
359
00:14:02,247 --> 00:14:04,047
Hello, Alan.
360
00:14:05,032 --> 00:14:09,336
I can't believe
I finally have a grandchild.
361
00:14:09,338 --> 00:14:11,221
You already have
a grandchild-- Jake.
362
00:14:11,223 --> 00:14:14,475
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
363
00:14:15,543 --> 00:14:17,561
So, Jennifer...
364
00:14:17,563 --> 00:14:18,829
Actually, it's Jenny.
365
00:14:18,831 --> 00:14:21,815
Darling, you're not 12 anymore.
It's Jennifer.
366
00:14:21,817 --> 00:14:24,318
We are going to have
so much fun together:
367
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:28,806
lunching, shopping,
taking care of those eyebrows.
368
00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:30,407
Where are you staying
while you're in town?
369
00:14:30,409 --> 00:14:32,176
I'm crashing on
a friend's couch.
370
00:14:32,178 --> 00:14:34,545
Not anymore.
You'll stay with me.
371
00:14:34,547 --> 00:14:36,947
Aw! I love you, Evelyn.
372
00:14:36,949 --> 00:14:38,248
Whoa, whoa!
If she's staying anywhere,
373
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:39,433
she's gonna stay at my place.
374
00:14:39,435 --> 00:14:41,451
And by "your place," do you mean
375
00:14:41,453 --> 00:14:44,121
the office that
you stopped paying rent at
376
00:14:44,123 --> 00:14:46,673
or the house that
you've never paid rent at?
377
00:14:46,675 --> 00:14:48,759
Look, I'm not gonna let my mom
screw her up
378
00:14:48,761 --> 00:14:50,010
like she did me and Charlie.
379
00:14:50,012 --> 00:14:52,679
Hey! I was a good mother.
380
00:14:52,681 --> 00:14:54,381
No, you know
who was a good mother?
381
00:14:54,383 --> 00:14:56,466
Our housekeeper Adela.
She even breast-fed me.
382
00:14:56,468 --> 00:14:59,102
She had just had a baby.
383
00:14:59,104 --> 00:15:01,305
And when the milk truck
is parked on the street,
384
00:15:01,307 --> 00:15:03,273
you don't go
to the grocery store.
385
00:15:04,292 --> 00:15:08,228
Besides, you-you used
to gnaw on me.
386
00:15:09,113 --> 00:15:10,731
You're gnawer.
387
00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:12,432
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
388
00:15:12,434 --> 00:15:15,485
You know what?
She's gonna stay in Jake's room.
389
00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:17,237
Whoa, whoa, no.
390
00:15:17,239 --> 00:15:19,873
I do not want Jake's room
to become Jenny's room.
391
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,159
You know, in fact,
there is no Jake's room
392
00:15:22,161 --> 00:15:23,293
and there's no Jenny's room.
393
00:15:23,295 --> 00:15:24,945
There's just Walden's room.
394
00:15:24,947 --> 00:15:27,764
And Charlie's room.
395
00:15:27,766 --> 00:15:29,650
Why don't we let her decide?
396
00:15:29,652 --> 00:15:30,801
Yeah, yeah,
it's up to her.
397
00:15:30,803 --> 00:15:33,503
Is anyone listening to me?!
398
00:15:33,505 --> 00:15:35,405
Jennifer?
399
00:15:35,407 --> 00:15:36,757
Where'd she go?
400
00:15:38,927 --> 00:15:40,227
Nice job, Alan.
401
00:15:40,229 --> 00:15:43,096
You made another woman
disappear.
402
00:15:43,098 --> 00:15:44,297
Can you believe her?
403
00:15:44,299 --> 00:15:46,550
What did I do to her to
make her hate me so much?
404
00:15:46,552 --> 00:15:48,518
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
405
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:51,405
Oh, oh. What, you, too?
406
00:15:51,407 --> 00:15:53,974
Oh!
407
00:15:53,976 --> 00:15:55,909
Son of a...
408
00:15:55,911 --> 00:15:57,744
Ooh, a nickel!
409
00:15:57,746 --> 00:15:59,446
♪ Men. ♪
410
00:15:59,448 --> 00:16:01,198
This is ridiculous.
411
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,449
We're never going to find her.
412
00:16:02,451 --> 00:16:04,484
I don't understand
why she ran off like that.
413
00:16:04,486 --> 00:16:06,253
I can think of two reasons.
414
00:16:09,123 --> 00:16:12,826
First I lost my Charlie,
now I've lost my Jennifer.
415
00:16:12,828 --> 00:16:14,511
You still have your Alan.
416
00:16:14,513 --> 00:16:17,014
Oh! Don't make it worse.
417
00:16:18,332 --> 00:16:20,017
Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.
418
00:16:21,619 --> 00:16:25,555
Oh, God,
my granddaughter's gone forever.
419
00:16:25,557 --> 00:16:28,392
Oh, there she is
at the bus stop.
420
00:16:28,394 --> 00:16:32,329
Oh, God, my granddaughter
rides the bus!
421
00:16:37,035 --> 00:16:38,869
Jenny, what are you doing?
422
00:16:38,871 --> 00:16:41,438
I'm trying to get away
from you people.
423
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,290
Look, I just wanted to see
where my dad lived.
424
00:16:43,292 --> 00:16:44,925
I didn't want
to screw up your family.
425
00:16:44,927 --> 00:16:46,043
Uh, for the record,
426
00:16:46,045 --> 00:16:47,878
they were screwed up
long before you got here.
427
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,129
It's true.
428
00:16:49,131 --> 00:16:51,048
H-Hey, if I'm screwed up,
it's your fault.
429
00:16:51,050 --> 00:16:51,999
You raised me.
430
00:16:52,001 --> 00:16:54,434
I didn't raise you,
Adela did.
431
00:16:54,436 --> 00:16:57,504
Look, I already have
a messed-up family.
432
00:16:57,506 --> 00:16:58,922
I-I don't need another one.
433
00:16:58,924 --> 00:16:59,923
Oh, we're sorry.
434
00:16:59,925 --> 00:17:01,825
This is just how
we express our love.
435
00:17:01,827 --> 00:17:03,927
Through hate.
Oh, no, no, no.
436
00:17:03,929 --> 00:17:05,262
W-We don't hate each other.
437
00:17:05,264 --> 00:17:09,833
I mean, the truth is,
my mother is an amazing woman.
438
00:17:09,835 --> 00:17:11,868
I mean, she-she raised
two kids on her own,
439
00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:13,820
she's a successful
businesswoman,
440
00:17:13,822 --> 00:17:17,074
she has impeccable taste.
441
00:17:17,076 --> 00:17:18,391
Thank you, Alan.
442
00:17:19,694 --> 00:17:20,744
Oh, right.
443
00:17:20,746 --> 00:17:23,697
Uh, and Alan is...
444
00:17:23,699 --> 00:17:26,950
the reason I had
my tubes tied.
445
00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:31,455
Because she knew she would
never do better than me.
446
00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:36,460
Please, sweetheart,
I just found you.
447
00:17:36,462 --> 00:17:37,511
I can't lose you now.
448
00:17:37,513 --> 00:17:39,546
We want you to be a
part of our lives.
449
00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:40,630
What do you say?
450
00:17:40,632 --> 00:17:43,750
Well, if I'm gonna be
a part of this family,
451
00:17:43,752 --> 00:17:45,602
I'm gonna need a drink.
452
00:17:45,604 --> 00:17:47,054
You hear that, Charlie?
453
00:17:47,056 --> 00:17:48,722
Your daughter
needs a drink.
454
00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:51,441
You're looking the
wrong way, Mom.
455
00:17:51,443 --> 00:17:53,377
♪ Men. ♪
456
00:17:54,562 --> 00:17:56,429
A toast.
To Charlie Harper.
457
00:17:56,431 --> 00:18:00,384
My brother, your son,
your father, and your...
458
00:18:00,386 --> 00:18:03,236
Guy who got hit by a train
so I could buy his beach house?
459
00:18:04,288 --> 00:18:05,238
Sorry, Evelyn.
460
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,007
It's okay. I got the commission.
461
00:18:07,009 --> 00:18:09,993
To Charlie.
462
00:18:09,995 --> 00:18:13,130
So, is that the bathroom
463
00:18:13,132 --> 00:18:15,415
where the miracle
of my life began?
464
00:18:16,667 --> 00:18:18,001
It is.
465
00:18:19,504 --> 00:18:20,470
Want to see it?
466
00:18:20,472 --> 00:18:21,671
I do.
467
00:18:21,673 --> 00:18:23,473
Text a picture of it to my mom.
468
00:18:23,475 --> 00:18:25,425
Should be good
for some guilt money.
469
00:18:25,427 --> 00:18:27,627
I'll run interference.
470
00:18:29,013 --> 00:18:30,147
All right, everybody out!
471
00:18:30,149 --> 00:18:32,632
Woman visiting the place
of her conception!
472
00:18:34,168 --> 00:18:36,236
I can't tell you
how relieved I am
473
00:18:36,238 --> 00:18:38,405
to finally have an heir.
Mm.
474
00:18:38,407 --> 00:18:39,423
Wait, what?
475
00:18:39,425 --> 00:18:41,191
She's my granddaughter.
476
00:18:41,193 --> 00:18:43,143
I want to provide
for her.
477
00:18:43,145 --> 00:18:44,578
And since I wasn't around
478
00:18:44,580 --> 00:18:46,696
for the first 25 years
of her life,
479
00:18:46,698 --> 00:18:48,949
it's only fitting that
she inherit my estate.
480
00:18:48,951 --> 00:18:51,317
You weren't around for
the first 45 years of my life.
481
00:18:51,319 --> 00:18:53,170
You have Walden!
482
00:18:53,172 --> 00:18:55,472
Oh, oh, do I? Do you see
a ring on this finger?
483
00:18:55,474 --> 00:18:56,823
Don't worry, darling.
484
00:18:56,825 --> 00:18:59,209
There's a little something
for you in my will.
485
00:18:59,211 --> 00:19:00,043
A little something?
486
00:19:00,045 --> 00:19:01,261
Look, if you knew
487
00:19:01,263 --> 00:19:02,879
you were gonna
get everything,
488
00:19:02,881 --> 00:19:05,265
you would've smothered me
with a pillow years ago.
489
00:19:05,267 --> 00:19:06,616
That is not true.
490
00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:10,353
If I knew I had money coming,
I'd hire a professional.
491
00:19:11,773 --> 00:19:13,557
How'd it go?
Great.
492
00:19:13,559 --> 00:19:15,192
I laughed, I cried.
493
00:19:15,194 --> 00:19:18,161
I peed.
494
00:19:18,163 --> 00:19:19,930
How are you guys doing
over here?
495
00:19:19,932 --> 00:19:21,481
Can I get you anything else?
496
00:19:23,434 --> 00:19:25,535
Yeah, we might need
a designated driver
497
00:19:25,537 --> 00:19:27,988
to get us back
to his beautiful beach house.
498
00:19:29,023 --> 00:19:31,158
I'll take you guys.
I get off in 15.
499
00:19:32,493 --> 00:19:34,044
Great. Thanks.
500
00:19:36,247 --> 00:19:37,697
She's cute.
501
00:19:37,699 --> 00:19:38,799
Told ya.
502
00:19:38,801 --> 00:19:42,002
Malibu beach house
gets you laid every time.
503
00:19:42,687 --> 00:19:45,005
Not every time.
504
00:19:46,674 --> 00:19:49,176
♪ Men. ♪
505
00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:52,562
Oh, my God,
this house is amazing!
506
00:19:52,564 --> 00:19:54,798
Well, it's... Yeah.
507
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,517
And look at
that view.
508
00:19:57,519 --> 00:19:59,269
It's even better
from the bedroom.
509
00:19:59,271 --> 00:20:00,353
Want to see?
510
00:20:00,355 --> 00:20:01,538
Yeah.
511
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:03,073
After you.
512
00:20:04,041 --> 00:20:05,542
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
513
00:20:05,544 --> 00:20:06,710
Where are you going?
514
00:20:06,712 --> 00:20:07,878
Up to show her.
515
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,830
Oh, you thought...?
516
00:20:09,832 --> 00:20:12,532
Oh, no-no-no-no-no,
she's mine.
517
00:20:12,534 --> 00:20:14,400
Next time I'll get two.
518
00:20:18,956 --> 00:20:21,408
What just happened?
519
00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:23,243
Charlie's back.
520
00:20:23,245 --> 00:20:25,745
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,949
♪ Men. ♪
522
00:20:33,951 --> 00:20:34,917
Good morning.
523
00:20:34,919 --> 00:20:36,352
No, no, not good.
524
00:20:36,354 --> 00:20:38,287
I slept in the guest room
of my own house,
525
00:20:38,289 --> 00:20:41,690
and I'm pretty sure I still have
some of your brother in my ear.
526
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:43,092
Don't worry,
tonight I'll tell Jenny
527
00:20:43,094 --> 00:20:44,293
that your bedroom's off limits.
528
00:20:44,295 --> 00:20:45,561
No, there is no tonight!
529
00:20:45,563 --> 00:20:46,562
But she's family.
530
00:20:46,564 --> 00:20:47,763
Not my family.
531
00:20:47,765 --> 00:20:49,882
And I'm gonna tell her
she can't stay.
532
00:20:50,734 --> 00:20:52,718
Morning.
Hi.
533
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:53,969
You girls have a good night?
534
00:20:53,971 --> 00:20:55,804
Oh, yeah.
535
00:20:56,252 --> 00:20:59,170
I'm surprised I can even talk.
536
00:21:01,208 --> 00:21:03,759
You were saying?
Shut up.
537
00:21:03,761 --> 00:21:08,761
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
538
00:21:42,666 --> 00:21:44,586
(bell tolling)
PRIEST: We commend to Almighty God