1
00:00:02,057 --> 00:00:04,274
Hi, how can I help you?
And by that I mean,
2
00:00:04,275 --> 00:00:06,294
"What's the least
I can do to help you."
3
00:00:06,904 --> 00:00:08,904
I'll have the burger with the fries.
4
00:00:09,085 --> 00:00:11,085
She'll have it with the salad.
5
00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:15,488
But I want the fries.
6
00:00:15,513 --> 00:00:17,764
Ah, you want them,
but you don't need them.
7
00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,680
Fine. The salad.
8
00:00:22,705 --> 00:00:24,705
I have to pee.
9
00:00:25,738 --> 00:00:28,315
- Hi, what's your name?
- David.
10
00:00:28,340 --> 00:00:30,340
David, you should go.
11
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:32,987
I'm sorry?
12
00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:35,325
You want her to have salad,
she wants you to have hair.
13
00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:37,843
Neither one's
gonna happen tonight.
14
00:00:38,978 --> 00:00:41,813
Yeah, it's not gonna work out
between you and French fries.
15
00:00:41,815 --> 00:00:44,516
Oh, maybe it will
for a week or a year.
16
00:00:44,524 --> 00:00:46,434
Depends if she was molested
as a kid.
17
00:00:46,498 --> 00:00:49,027
But one of these days,
she's coming after you.
18
00:00:49,043 --> 00:00:52,259
Probably in the dark,
probably with a knife.
19
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,039
And she's gonna cut off
one or both of your balls.
20
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,375
And you won't think
a side of fries matters
21
00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:00,075
when you have zero balls.
22
00:01:00,572 --> 00:01:02,327
She'll have the fries.
23
00:01:02,328 --> 00:01:04,219
Yes, she will.
24
00:01:04,221 --> 00:01:05,453
Look at us.
25
00:01:05,455 --> 00:01:08,206
We saved another woman's dignity
and another man's balls.
26
00:01:08,208 --> 00:01:10,959
Yeah, we're like dr. Phil
but more qualified.
27
00:01:12,495 --> 00:01:14,713
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
28
00:01:16,233 --> 00:01:21,523
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
ooh ooh ♪
29
00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:24,657
Season 3, Episode 4
"And the Group Head"
30
00:01:24,658 --> 00:01:27,658
Sync and corrections: Reef
www.addic7ed.com
31
00:01:28,573 --> 00:01:31,601
Well, here I am, the owner,
waiting on tables.
32
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,495
Does Barack Obama unclog
the White House toilets?
33
00:01:35,406 --> 00:01:37,372
What's wrong
with this picture?
34
00:01:37,373 --> 00:01:41,082
Well, off the top of my head,
I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago,
35
00:01:41,094 --> 00:01:44,428
and you still
haven't gotten it.
36
00:01:45,515 --> 00:01:46,982
Hey, man,
I'm in the weeds here.
37
00:01:46,984 --> 00:01:50,419
Well, if you got weed,
cancel the coffee.
38
00:01:51,354 --> 00:01:53,439
Uh, ladies,
you're late.
39
00:01:53,441 --> 00:01:56,325
And little man Tate over there
is in a mood.
40
00:01:56,327 --> 00:01:58,894
Why, is he teething again?
41
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:01,743
Uh, hello.
42
00:02:01,758 --> 00:02:04,135
You were supposed to be here
ten minutes ago.
43
00:02:04,136 --> 00:02:07,893
In Korea, your heads would be
on sticks outside the Samsung factory,
44
00:02:07,894 --> 00:02:10,172
and you would still
have to work.
45
00:02:10,174 --> 00:02:12,591
There is no coffee prepped
for your shift.
46
00:02:12,593 --> 00:02:14,932
F.Y.I., tiny dancer,
47
00:02:14,948 --> 00:02:18,046
prepping coffee is
that lazy-ass day waiter's job,
48
00:02:18,048 --> 00:02:19,681
So don't blame us.
49
00:02:19,683 --> 00:02:22,651
It's not our fault you hired
an incompetent wait staff.
50
00:02:22,653 --> 00:02:25,137
Hurry up.
You two need to make coffee.
51
00:02:25,139 --> 00:02:26,809
And you need to hire
a new day waiter.
52
00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:29,245
And maybe while you're getting
new things around here,
53
00:02:29,246 --> 00:02:31,034
how about
a brand-new coffeemaker?
54
00:02:31,035 --> 00:02:34,019
One that isn't
from an Edward Hopper painting.
55
00:02:34,848 --> 00:02:37,733
Am I the only one
who's been to a museum?
56
00:02:37,735 --> 00:02:39,034
Uh, excuse me.
57
00:02:39,036 --> 00:02:42,471
I've been to the art section
of Bed, Bath & Beyond.
58
00:02:42,473 --> 00:02:45,481
What if I told you I already
got you what you want?
59
00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:47,582
A high-end
cappuccino machine?
60
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,629
Listen, blonde ambition. I know
you only want me to get one,
61
00:02:50,630 --> 00:02:52,587
so you can use it
at your cupcake window.
62
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:56,277
How dare you? Unless you're
comfortable with that.
63
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,210
No, I meant
the new day waiter.
64
00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:00,845
He's in the kitchen.
Go train the new guy.
65
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:04,099
What happened to the guy
we told you to fire? We loved him.
66
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:06,117
Okay, we'll go
train the new guy now.
67
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:09,187
But about that coffeemaker,
what if go halfsies with you?
68
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,714
We can't afford
to go halfsies.
69
00:03:10,715 --> 00:03:14,359
We can't even go quarter-sies or
eight-sies or whatever's after eight-sies
70
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,428
Sixteenth-sies.
71
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,830
Shoot yourselves.
72
00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:28,398
Did he say train
the new guy or new gay?
73
00:03:30,042 --> 00:03:32,177
Hi, you must be
the new day waiter.
74
00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:35,914
Ah, you must be the late girls
who are supposed to train me.
75
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,699
Yes, I'm Luis.
76
00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:40,635
Did he say Luis
or Louise?
77
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:44,255
I'll be out in a minute. I have
to let this cream dry on my face.
78
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:48,059
Oh, I always wait for the cream to dry.
It's the polite thing to do.
79
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,561
I'm Max.
80
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,813
Oh, Max is funny.
81
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:53,431
Look at her.
82
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:56,985
Oh, funny to mask the pain.
83
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,820
I see you.
84
00:03:59,855 --> 00:04:01,690
Oh, and you're both pretty.
85
00:04:01,692 --> 00:04:03,825
Look at blondie.
86
00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,810
What have you had done?
87
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,495
Oh, me?
88
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,914
Nothing, but thank you.
89
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,642
I'm Caroline.
90
00:04:11,643 --> 00:04:14,252
Well, nice to meet you,
but we won't be friends.
91
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,537
I don't get attached.
92
00:04:15,539 --> 00:04:18,490
All my life, I've been
a waiter, 27 years.
93
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:22,526
I've been a waiter 27 years too,
and I'm only 26.
94
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:26,748
And I don't get personal,
so don't ask me how old I am.
95
00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:30,713
I am 53.
96
00:04:31,108 --> 00:04:32,908
But my face is 5.
97
00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:34,422
You look amazing.
98
00:04:34,423 --> 00:04:36,024
I've only been waiting tables
two years.
99
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,680
My main focus
is our cupcake business.
100
00:04:37,681 --> 00:04:39,093
We just opened
a walk-up window...
101
00:04:39,095 --> 00:04:41,479
Honey, honey, I don't need
to know your life.
102
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:43,281
You don't need
to know mine.
103
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,451
Did my father put a gun in his mouth
at my seventh birthday party?
104
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,120
Yes, but I don't
bring that to work.
105
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,123
And I'm in love
with you.
106
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,708
Don't do that.
107
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,627
Don't fall in love
with me.
108
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,446
You know those gays
that don't like women?
109
00:04:58,448 --> 00:05:00,448
I'm one of them.
110
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,604
Is that the theme song
from Sex and the City?
111
00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:09,307
You know it is.
112
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,393
I'm a Charlotte.
113
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:15,163
So am I!
There's not a lot of us.
114
00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:18,817
I'm all the dead girls
from American Horror Story.
115
00:05:21,165 --> 00:05:23,174
Well, let's get this train
on the tracks.
116
00:05:23,175 --> 00:05:25,559
Follow me, Charlotte.
117
00:05:25,561 --> 00:05:28,128
I'm not giving up
on our cappuccino machine.
118
00:05:28,130 --> 00:05:30,497
I'm gonna work Han hard
until he gives it to me.
119
00:05:30,499 --> 00:05:32,766
Yes, I just heard
how that sounded.
120
00:05:32,768 --> 00:05:34,946
Okay, Luis, here's
how the tables work.
121
00:05:34,947 --> 00:05:36,845
We got the four-tops.
We got the two-tops.
122
00:05:36,855 --> 00:05:38,688
- Are you a top?
- Oh, please.
123
00:05:38,690 --> 00:05:42,742
No one is pushing
this $25,000 face into a pillow.
124
00:05:44,045 --> 00:05:47,113
I'm ready to order.
125
00:05:47,115 --> 00:05:49,249
Luis, why don't you
take that table?
126
00:05:49,251 --> 00:05:52,033
It's part of your training,
and I don't want to.
127
00:05:52,370 --> 00:05:54,154
Earl,
that's the new day waiter.
128
00:05:54,156 --> 00:05:56,586
He's also
the new gay waiter.
129
00:05:56,587 --> 00:05:58,281
Oh, I love the gays.
130
00:05:58,282 --> 00:06:03,265
They turned an old crack house
in my neighborhood into a cheese shop.
131
00:06:03,468 --> 00:06:07,150
I heard that cheese shop
has really good crack.
132
00:06:07,152 --> 00:06:09,119
What's the soup
of the day?
133
00:06:09,121 --> 00:06:12,272
What does it say
on the board?
134
00:06:12,274 --> 00:06:14,472
And you're trained.
135
00:06:14,473 --> 00:06:16,261
Max, Han said no,
136
00:06:16,262 --> 00:06:18,578
and we need that
cappuccino maker for our shop
137
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:21,222
if we're ever gonna compete with
the Starbucks around the corner
138
00:06:21,230 --> 00:06:22,499
or the other corner,
139
00:06:22,501 --> 00:06:24,451
or the other corner.
140
00:06:24,453 --> 00:06:27,504
Or the one that's currently
being built in my ass.
141
00:06:27,506 --> 00:06:30,423
What?
It's prime real estate.
142
00:06:30,425 --> 00:06:33,608
Everything else
in Williamsburg is taken.
143
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:37,764
Caroline, you need a cappuccino machine?
I can get you one cheap. I know a guy.
144
00:06:37,766 --> 00:06:42,802
And if you need clean urine or
a micro pig, I also know that guy.
145
00:06:42,804 --> 00:06:46,223
Oh, my god.
Who was that?
146
00:06:48,926 --> 00:06:51,811
Oh, that's... that's Oleg.
He's the cook.
147
00:06:51,813 --> 00:06:54,814
He is gorgeous.
148
00:06:57,213 --> 00:06:58,862
I'm so excited.
149
00:06:58,863 --> 00:07:00,692
Our new machine
will be here any minute.
150
00:07:00,693 --> 00:07:03,606
Our lives are about to get
a lot more cappuccino-y.
151
00:07:03,608 --> 00:07:07,027
Or should I say a latte
more cappuccino-y?
152
00:07:07,029 --> 00:07:09,296
No, you should not
say any of that.
153
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:12,532
And as for that "special price""
Oleg said he'd give us?
154
00:07:12,534 --> 00:07:16,403
In all my three-ways, I'm up
to bat first, and I don't kiss.
155
00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:17,888
Ugh.
156
00:07:17,890 --> 00:07:20,457
During the day,
it is hot in herrr.
157
00:07:20,459 --> 00:07:24,678
Thanks for
the weather report, Ursher.
158
00:07:26,148 --> 00:07:29,143
Here it is. Shut the windows
and shut up.
159
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,734
Well, this is starting
exactly like I imagined.
160
00:07:32,735 --> 00:07:34,060
Shut it!
161
00:07:34,061 --> 00:07:36,762
- Oleg, where did you get this?
- Shut up!
162
00:07:37,516 --> 00:07:40,303
- Are those sirens?
- Shut up!
163
00:07:40,610 --> 00:07:42,176
Does it come
with instructions?
164
00:07:42,178 --> 00:07:44,996
The instructions
are to shut up.
165
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,948
We don't want it
if it's stolen.
166
00:07:46,950 --> 00:07:49,423
I still feel guilty
about shaking down that redbox
167
00:07:49,424 --> 00:07:51,886
for I don't know
how she does it.
168
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,304
I did not steal it.
169
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,440
I knowingly bought it
from a man who stole it,
170
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:57,117
and I'm selling it
at a profit.
171
00:07:57,118 --> 00:07:59,260
It's the Armenian way.
172
00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:00,862
You're not Armenian.
173
00:08:00,864 --> 00:08:04,182
I know, I'm just saying,
it's the Armenian way.
174
00:08:05,434 --> 00:08:07,569
It retails for $600,
175
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,154
but I'll give it to you for free
if you do me a favor.
176
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,439
Free?
177
00:08:11,441 --> 00:08:15,493
Okay, I guess Max can do you
in that closet over there.
178
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,778
What?
179
00:08:16,780 --> 00:08:19,113
Now that I see it,
I have to have it.
180
00:08:19,115 --> 00:08:23,117
All right, I've been
saving this pill for something.
181
00:08:23,119 --> 00:08:24,335
Talk to Sophie.
182
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,228
See if she wants
to get back together.
183
00:08:26,229 --> 00:08:28,122
But don't tell her
I'm interested.
184
00:08:28,124 --> 00:08:30,449
- Do it discreetly.
- Deal.
185
00:08:30,450 --> 00:08:33,831
And, Oleg, I'm touched
and a little surprised.
186
00:08:33,832 --> 00:08:36,914
I didn't know you knew
the word "discreetly".
187
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:40,089
Oh, yeah. I have a word-a-day
calendar near my bed,
188
00:08:40,090 --> 00:08:44,102
next to my big pump jar
of pineapple lube.
189
00:08:47,253 --> 00:08:50,439
For when you're horny
and hungry.
190
00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:55,468
Max, why'd you take it?
You don't have to have sex with him.
191
00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:58,086
I know, I'm celebrating.
192
00:09:06,016 --> 00:09:09,949
Hey, I can't find any of the instructions
on here for our coffeemaker.
193
00:09:09,951 --> 00:09:11,797
In fairness,
I haven't been looking.
194
00:09:11,798 --> 00:09:15,260
I got sidetracked by this buzzfeed
list of misspelled tattoos.
195
00:09:15,270 --> 00:09:19,072
This girl got "You go grill"
on her neck.
196
00:09:20,408 --> 00:09:24,044
She must really like
to cook outside.
197
00:09:24,415 --> 00:09:26,115
Did you put yourself
in a time-out?
198
00:09:26,117 --> 00:09:29,743
No, I'm looking for Sophie.
She's not upstairs.
199
00:09:29,748 --> 00:09:32,649
Look, this is a long way to go
to get something for free.
200
00:09:32,651 --> 00:09:36,869
I was happy to walk into Sears and stuff
a cappuccino machine down my pants.
201
00:09:36,871 --> 00:09:39,455
I'm not doing it
for the free cappuccino machine.
202
00:09:39,457 --> 00:09:44,127
I'm doing it for the money we'll make
from the free cappuccino machine.
203
00:09:44,129 --> 00:09:46,796
And maybe to help Oleg
and Sophie get back together.
204
00:09:46,798 --> 00:09:49,515
You know, it's a page out of
Shakespeare, and I'm Puck.
205
00:09:49,517 --> 00:09:52,201
Puck from The Real World?
206
00:09:53,235 --> 00:09:55,486
Am I the only one
who's read a book?
207
00:09:57,504 --> 00:10:00,510
Oh, here she is. I'll do the talking.
It's kind of in my wheelhouse.
208
00:10:00,512 --> 00:10:03,396
You have a wheelhouse,
and we're living in this dump?
209
00:10:03,398 --> 00:10:05,855
Morning, Sophie.
210
00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:09,566
You caught me. I'm doing
the walk of shame.
211
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,538
You know what that means,
right?
212
00:10:11,539 --> 00:10:15,320
I was having sex all night
with a stranger.
213
00:10:15,321 --> 00:10:17,410
I had sex with a guy
all night once.
214
00:10:17,412 --> 00:10:20,547
At least that's what he said.
I fell asleep at 10:00.
215
00:10:20,548 --> 00:10:23,588
Sophie, come in. We wanted to ask
you something kind of important.
216
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:24,851
Oh, okay.
217
00:10:24,852 --> 00:10:26,986
Well, I'll tell you.
218
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:30,994
I don't think you're gonna make it
in the cupcake business.
219
00:10:31,526 --> 00:10:35,845
Not what the psychic in the subway
told me, but duly noted.
220
00:10:35,847 --> 00:10:38,381
Actually, it's more
of a personal question.
221
00:10:38,383 --> 00:10:40,833
Oh, okay.
Well, I personally
222
00:10:40,835 --> 00:10:43,803
don't think you're gonna make it
in the cupcake business.
223
00:10:43,805 --> 00:10:47,623
- No, the question is about Oleg.
- Oh, yeah, he agrees with me.
224
00:10:47,624 --> 00:10:49,785
God's sakes, just tell her
before she tells us
225
00:10:49,792 --> 00:10:53,996
we're gonna wind up in some disgusting
apartment, hiding from our pimp.
226
00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:55,901
Okay, okay, Sophie.
227
00:10:55,902 --> 00:10:58,659
Do you ever think about getting
back together with Oleg?
228
00:10:58,662 --> 00:11:00,523
Oh, God, no.
229
00:11:00,705 --> 00:11:04,167
I'd rather accidently have
sex again with my cousin.
230
00:11:05,210 --> 00:11:08,255
I hate when that happens.
231
00:11:09,486 --> 00:11:11,169
Why, did...
232
00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:12,965
Did he ask about me?
233
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:16,169
Oh, no, no. I was just wondering.
He never even mentions you.
234
00:11:16,171 --> 00:11:20,540
Oh, good.
'Cause I moved on, baby.
235
00:11:20,541 --> 00:11:23,125
Oh, no. No, I...
236
00:11:23,159 --> 00:11:27,599
I left my spanx
on that Staten Island stoop.
237
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,513
And they're the good ones,
you know, with the pee hole in them.
238
00:11:30,514 --> 00:11:32,022
I gotta go grab 'em.
239
00:11:32,023 --> 00:11:34,357
All right. Bye-bye.
240
00:11:40,944 --> 00:11:44,864
Okay, good. Now we've got the power on,
but how do we steam the milk?
241
00:11:44,866 --> 00:11:46,532
Maybe it's
on this touchpad thing.
242
00:11:46,534 --> 00:11:49,352
Holy Mother of God!
243
00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:52,476
I just steamed my vagina.
244
00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:56,046
Max, Caroline, your shift
started three minutes ago.
245
00:11:56,072 --> 00:11:59,962
Who cares about sidework?
I probably can't have children.
246
00:11:59,964 --> 00:12:02,248
What is wrong with her?
247
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:05,588
She just had her carpet
steam-cleaned.
248
00:12:09,139 --> 00:12:11,499
You two still haven't
figured out this machine?
249
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,432
Move away. I'm asian and a man.
I'm good with this kind of stuff.
250
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:16,395
Well, Han, actually,
it's pretty dangerous.
251
00:12:16,397 --> 00:12:19,398
Hey, Han's a man,
according to recent lore.
252
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,897
Let him save the day.
253
00:12:20,898 --> 00:12:23,335
Okay, let's see.
Here's the steam one.
254
00:12:23,336 --> 00:12:27,171
And here's the button for...
Ow!
255
00:12:27,172 --> 00:12:30,123
My neck!
It burned my neck!
256
00:12:30,127 --> 00:12:33,146
And that was
my best feature.
257
00:12:33,148 --> 00:12:36,775
Luckily you're not taller.
You would've burned your vagina.
258
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:43,339
That cappuccino machine might have
just given me a grande hysterectomy.
259
00:12:43,341 --> 00:12:46,225
Caroline, I know
this might not be a good time.
260
00:12:46,227 --> 00:12:49,805
I heard
about your recent clambake.
261
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:56,692
But what did Sophie say?
262
00:12:56,905 --> 00:13:00,472
I'm sorry, Oleg. Sophie's moved on.
She's seeing other men.
263
00:13:00,474 --> 00:13:03,113
Yeah, but not in your neighborhood.
She's classy.
264
00:13:03,114 --> 00:13:06,329
She had the decency to do it
on a stoop in Staten Island.
265
00:13:06,331 --> 00:13:09,665
She went to the Island
without me?
266
00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:13,251
We were going to travel
the world together.
267
00:13:14,549 --> 00:13:15,844
Oleg...
268
00:13:15,845 --> 00:13:17,457
Oleg, are you crying?
269
00:13:17,458 --> 00:13:22,378
No, I have
a booger situation.
270
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:26,275
Says the man
who cooks the food.
271
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:30,315
Hey, what's this area
back there?
272
00:13:30,316 --> 00:13:33,689
- Uh, it's our closet, why?
- I should check it out.
273
00:13:33,691 --> 00:13:37,777
I'm always looking for places to have
sex with women who are not Sophie.
274
00:13:40,248 --> 00:13:44,133
Is Oleg in here?
I thought I smelled him.
275
00:13:44,135 --> 00:13:48,614
That delicious mix
of man and butter.
276
00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:51,541
Oleg's in the closet.
277
00:13:51,543 --> 00:13:54,994
Oh, honey,
I could've told you that.
278
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,879
Really, Luis,
Oleg is straight.
279
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:03,085
Wait till you see what happens when
I place an order for a bone-in rib eye.
280
00:14:03,087 --> 00:14:05,704
It's true.
He shows us his penis every...
281
00:14:05,706 --> 00:14:10,059
Ah-ah-ah-ah, boundaries,
girls, boundaries.
282
00:14:10,061 --> 00:14:13,364
So is it a nice one?
283
00:14:14,556 --> 00:14:16,757
Well, it did open a door
for me once.
284
00:14:18,914 --> 00:14:21,049
Hey, Luis,
maybe you can help us.
285
00:14:21,050 --> 00:14:23,039
Since you're a lifer, you have
to know how to work this thing.
286
00:14:23,041 --> 00:14:24,657
No, no, no, no, no, no,
I work for a diner.
287
00:14:24,659 --> 00:14:27,176
I don't work for you.
Don't bring me into your drama.
288
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,865
Oh, I have to get this. It's my mother.
She's on death watch.
289
00:14:32,866 --> 00:14:35,667
But we used to have the same machine
when I worked at Starbucks.
290
00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:38,085
Mami, como esta
su Lou Gehrig's?
291
00:14:39,453 --> 00:14:42,056
No, I am not
working at Starbucks.
292
00:14:42,057 --> 00:14:44,067
That's not what
I was gonna say.
293
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,608
Just for two hours.
294
00:14:46,609 --> 00:14:49,140
We can quit after we learn
how to work this damn machine.
295
00:14:49,141 --> 00:14:51,018
Hey, I am not a quitter.
296
00:14:51,019 --> 00:14:53,719
I get fired.
That's my wheelhouse.
297
00:15:00,268 --> 00:15:02,704
I can't believe
we got hired so quickly.
298
00:15:02,705 --> 00:15:05,203
And I can't believe
I'm a medium apron.
299
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:09,473
And I can't believe I'm working
for a corporate coffee place.
300
00:15:09,474 --> 00:15:11,290
This might be the lowest point
of my life,
301
00:15:11,291 --> 00:15:15,355
and my mom once lost me
in a craps game behind a casino.
302
00:15:16,980 --> 00:15:18,648
Hi, we're here
to be trained.
303
00:15:18,650 --> 00:15:21,100
I know.
That's unfortunate.
304
00:15:21,102 --> 00:15:24,654
- My name's Devon.
- Well, that's unfortunate.
305
00:15:24,656 --> 00:15:26,305
Let's get this over with.
306
00:15:26,307 --> 00:15:28,441
I have a lot of other places
I need to be.
307
00:15:28,443 --> 00:15:30,276
Like your mom's basement?
308
00:15:30,278 --> 00:15:32,578
Hey, you don't have
to give me attitude.
309
00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:34,413
I don't have to,
but it's my pleasure.
310
00:15:34,415 --> 00:15:38,834
Sorry, Devon. It's just that it's hard
for her, 'cause your name is Devon.
311
00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:40,953
So what are you girls?
Writers?
312
00:15:40,955 --> 00:15:44,190
Folk duo?
Just bitches?
313
00:15:44,192 --> 00:15:46,842
Nailed it, loser.
314
00:15:46,844 --> 00:15:49,945
Max, pace yourself. We need this job
for another hour and 50 minutes.
315
00:15:49,947 --> 00:15:51,630
Okay, but for real,
how long do you
316
00:15:51,632 --> 00:15:53,599
gotta work here before
the health insurance kicks in?
317
00:15:53,601 --> 00:15:57,019
And is there dental? 'cause I got
a dead tooth doing nothing for me.
318
00:15:57,021 --> 00:15:59,605
The insurance kicks in
after 30 days.
319
00:15:59,607 --> 00:16:01,574
But it's a PPO,
not an HMO.
320
00:16:01,576 --> 00:16:05,294
Oh, we just got an HMO at our other job.
He's a Charlotte.
321
00:16:05,296 --> 00:16:07,029
Okay, here we go.
322
00:16:07,031 --> 00:16:09,815
Look, this is the machine
we u for everything.
323
00:16:09,817 --> 00:16:11,951
It's incredibly easy to work
unless you're stupid,
324
00:16:11,953 --> 00:16:13,486
in which case, tell me now.
325
00:16:13,488 --> 00:16:17,873
Devon, we're not your mean stepdad.
Just show us how to use the machine.
326
00:16:17,875 --> 00:16:19,575
Listen up.
327
00:16:19,577 --> 00:16:21,554
Unlatch the portafilter
from the group head.
328
00:16:21,579 --> 00:16:23,250
Press here for an ounce of grounds.
329
00:16:23,251 --> 00:16:25,414
Tamp it in, pack it down,
turn it on.
330
00:16:25,416 --> 00:16:26,749
I didn't get that,
did you?
331
00:16:26,751 --> 00:16:29,647
Honestly, all I heard
was "group head".
332
00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:31,504
So you tamp, pack,
turn the knob,
333
00:16:31,506 --> 00:16:33,806
wait 3, blast for 30,
then you pour the shot.
334
00:16:33,808 --> 00:16:35,591
Place the steam wand
halfway in the pitcher
335
00:16:35,593 --> 00:16:38,461
at a 45-degree angle
until the milk is 103 degrees.
336
00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:42,164
So what you're saying is
it's easier to make meth?
337
00:16:42,166 --> 00:16:45,101
Syrups, powders,
whipped cream is right here.
338
00:16:45,103 --> 00:16:46,485
You ever work
with one of these?
339
00:16:46,487 --> 00:16:48,320
I think I can handle it.
I went to Wharton.
340
00:16:48,322 --> 00:16:50,513
- Well, I went to Harvard.
- And I went to juvie.
341
00:16:50,514 --> 00:16:53,648
And we're all here
wearing an apron.
342
00:16:55,495 --> 00:16:57,997
A grande double cap,
non-fat.
343
00:16:57,999 --> 00:16:59,749
Grande double cap,
non-fat.
344
00:16:59,751 --> 00:17:02,234
Meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow.
345
00:17:02,236 --> 00:17:04,253
A venti triple cap,
no whip.
346
00:17:04,255 --> 00:17:05,855
Venti triple cap,
no whip.
347
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:08,207
Meow, meow, shmeow, meow.
348
00:17:08,209 --> 00:17:10,192
Grande double soy latte.
349
00:17:10,194 --> 00:17:12,461
Grande double soy latte.
Got it, Max?
350
00:17:12,463 --> 00:17:14,005
Nope.
351
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:19,135
- Where's those drinks, Max?
- Working on it, getting close.
352
00:17:20,353 --> 00:17:23,856
And I finished
all over myself.
353
00:17:23,858 --> 00:17:25,724
That's so me.
354
00:17:25,726 --> 00:17:27,476
Come on, Max,
it can't be that hard.
355
00:17:27,478 --> 00:17:30,362
You two, switch.
I gotta put out more napkins.
356
00:17:30,364 --> 00:17:34,099
That women's breakup support group
is here, and they tap us out.
357
00:17:34,101 --> 00:17:37,887
Think they're crying now?
Just wait till we run out of cake pops.
358
00:17:39,239 --> 00:17:41,440
I'll have a tall cap,
triple-shot half caf.
359
00:17:41,442 --> 00:17:44,660
Small scrap nipple slap
half half.
360
00:17:47,214 --> 00:17:48,881
That's not what I said.
361
00:17:48,883 --> 00:17:50,749
Tall cap triple-shot
half caf?
362
00:17:50,751 --> 00:17:54,003
Girl, you're good at this.
You should work at Starbucks.
363
00:17:54,005 --> 00:17:56,055
I am good. I think
I'm getting the hang of this.
364
00:17:56,057 --> 00:17:57,723
Now I just have to...
365
00:17:57,725 --> 00:17:59,859
Holy Mother of...
Ouch!
366
00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:03,679
This thing hates women so much,
we should call it Texas.
367
00:18:08,026 --> 00:18:10,277
Or Ohio.
368
00:18:10,521 --> 00:18:13,022
Or, to be honest,
most of America.
369
00:18:13,024 --> 00:18:16,158
I'll have a tall drip,
extra hot.
370
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,395
- Uh, what's your name?
- Gregg, with three "g"'s.
371
00:18:19,397 --> 00:18:22,648
Yeah, you're gonna be
this picture of a penis.
372
00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:30,917
- That's rude.
- Now it has a hat on it.
373
00:18:32,159 --> 00:18:34,543
It's saying, "good day."
374
00:18:34,545 --> 00:18:36,345
Do you want me to talk
to your manager?
375
00:18:36,347 --> 00:18:39,381
Yeah, in about 20 minutes,
after she learns this machine.
376
00:18:41,178 --> 00:18:42,845
Hi.
377
00:18:42,846 --> 00:18:46,414
I'll take a non-fat
venti drip for Vera
378
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,558
and a tall latte for Fran
379
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,429
and a gingerbread latte
with 11 splendas.
380
00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:56,232
Can you two explain
what this is?
381
00:18:56,234 --> 00:19:00,236
- I'd say it's pretty obvious.
- That's a penis wearing a hat.
382
00:19:00,238 --> 00:19:01,804
Why?
383
00:19:01,806 --> 00:19:06,041
Because it's bald
and a little insecure.
384
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:09,461
- Dudes, you're, like, fired.
- Come on, Devon.
385
00:19:09,463 --> 00:19:11,530
We just need 20 more minutes
to learn that machine.
386
00:19:11,532 --> 00:19:13,332
Please?
No.
387
00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:15,467
Return your aprons
and caps.
388
00:19:15,469 --> 00:19:19,004
And do not even think about putting
sandwiches in your pockets.
389
00:19:19,006 --> 00:19:20,839
What?
390
00:19:20,841 --> 00:19:23,392
A girl can't
get a morning bun?
391
00:19:23,394 --> 00:19:25,394
No and no.
392
00:19:25,396 --> 00:19:28,681
And take this "crappuccino"
you made with you.
393
00:19:31,401 --> 00:19:34,270
Oh, yeah,
that is not quite right.
394
00:19:34,272 --> 00:19:37,389
And it hit my dead tooth.
395
00:19:41,945 --> 00:19:44,613
- How you doing with that milk?
- Great.
396
00:19:44,615 --> 00:19:47,483
Mine's more whipped
than Nick Cannon.
397
00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:50,419
Hola, chicas. How's it going
with your new machine?
398
00:19:50,421 --> 00:19:53,389
Not that I care
or am invested at all.
399
00:19:53,391 --> 00:19:56,759
Oh, I think mine's coming.
I think mine's coming.
400
00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:59,044
You don't even know
if you're coming or not?
401
00:19:59,046 --> 00:20:01,263
That's so you.
402
00:20:01,265 --> 00:20:03,215
Have you seen Oleg?
403
00:20:03,217 --> 00:20:05,467
No, not since he came out
of the closet.
404
00:20:05,469 --> 00:20:09,054
- Why are you looking for him?
- How is this your business?
405
00:20:09,056 --> 00:20:11,707
Because you said,
"Have you seen Oleg?"
406
00:20:11,709 --> 00:20:14,895
You got me. Look at you.
407
00:20:14,896 --> 00:20:17,832
So much spice,
so much pain.
408
00:20:18,099 --> 00:20:19,698
You got me.
409
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,066
Hey, everybody.
410
00:20:21,068 --> 00:20:25,354
Hola, Oleg,
and Oleg's sister?
411
00:20:25,356 --> 00:20:27,072
This is Sasha.
412
00:20:27,074 --> 00:20:30,059
We met last night
and a few times this morning.
413
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,511
- But do me a favor.
- Don't tell Sophie about this?
414
00:20:32,513 --> 00:20:35,164
No, do tell her.
I've moved on.
415
00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:37,466
I filled
that hole she left.
416
00:20:37,468 --> 00:20:42,139
Come on, let's get you back to your
uncle's house before he wakes up.
417
00:20:42,773 --> 00:20:44,723
Oh, it happens
to a lot of gays.
418
00:20:44,724 --> 00:20:48,212
They come out, they freak out,
they go back in.
419
00:20:48,213 --> 00:20:50,181
But I see him.
420
00:20:50,268 --> 00:20:52,235
And I'll be here
until he sees me.
421
00:20:54,652 --> 00:20:56,485
Hola, mami.
422
00:20:56,487 --> 00:21:00,322
Uh-oh. Charlotte's
headed for a fall.
423
00:21:00,324 --> 00:21:02,758
I did it.
I made a perfect cappuccino.
424
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:06,497
75% of my body is burned,
but I did it.
425
00:21:06,498 --> 00:21:08,098
So how is it?
426
00:21:08,416 --> 00:21:13,702
We are so putting the small scrap
nipple slap half half on the menu.
427
00:21:17,632 --> 00:21:20,632
Sync and corrections: Reef
www.addic7ed.com