I am telling you, it is all just one
big massive conspiracy.
I really don't think it is, Conor.
Name me one.
Just one Irish person with a Blue Peter badge.
Well I can't--
Because there aren't any.
I'm sure that isn't true.
Oh it is true.
I've asked around, Packy.
It's a fact.
And it's a disgrace.
How do people get Blue Peter patches, anyway?
They collected bottles, I think.
Well, that'll be why then.
Any bottles we have are filled with petrol
and fucked at something.
What were they collecting bottles for?
Well the English love collecting stuff.
You know, bottles, other people's countries.
I'll go for a play with them if that's what they enjoy.
And, you know, if the hadn't invaded us,
we wouldn't be able to speak English.
We'd all just be sitting here in silence.
No, we wouldn't.
We'd be speaking Irish.
That's even worse.
I don't understand a word of Irish.
Aye, good point.
Well, here's to oppression, lads.
Conor.
Ma?
Is that you?
Of course, it's me.
Conor, no.
What is that child up to?
Jesus, Conor, stop acting the idiot.
Da?
Where are you?
I'm in here!
Stop it!
Whoever it is, do not be forcing the lock.
I mean it, now.
Jesus Christ, Packy.
Cover yourself up.
Standing there with your cock out.
- What do you want? - I can't do it.
I can't.
I can't go on.
I think you're overreacting.
I can't go through with it.
Bronagh, come on, it's a course of antibiotics.
It's hard, it's so hard.
I can't take much more.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I mean, what do people do when they can't drink?
What do they do, Packy?
It's only been 45 minutes.
Oh, I know.
Why did this have to happen now?
We're supposed to be going to that stupid fucking party.
I mean, how can I not drink a party?
It's not natural.
Are you, are you crying?
No.
Everything's ruined.
It's all right.
Come here.
Oh my god.
You dirty bastard.
No, that's, that's just your screwdriver.
All right.
I thought it was.
I know what you thought it was.
Right.
So.
OK then.
Gross.
Conor.
Conor!
What are you doing, you prick?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Conor!
Did you hear that?
Bronagh, is that you?
What's happening?
Hello, Ma.
Hello, Da.
How are you?
Just having a bit of escape, like so we are.
Yeah this game's great and so it is.
Brilliant.
Niamh, what time do you reckon--
It's Halloween.
It's here, it's really here.
Right.
Well you may calm the fuck down for a start.
And I bought pumpkins.
Shit loads of pumpkins.
We can take them to the party.
We can take the pumpkin to the party, Packy.
Whoa I feel spinny.
Now, Niamh, don't get your hopes up.
This party might be shite.
We don't want a repeat of the U2 concert, do we?
I didn't throw that rocket.
You did throw that rocket, Niamh.
We all know you did.
Though why you had a rocket and how
you sneaked it into Wimbley, remains a mystery.
Well, the prick just kept banging on it.
I mean seriously, fucked up about Africans singing a tune.
Touching.
Anyways, tonight's not going to be anything like that.
Tony's parties are always amazing.
I suppose.
Who is Tony?
Some mate of Conor's.
They met at his X-Factor audition.
OK.
And Sweet Pete's going to be there.
The past three halloweens, me and Sweet Pete
have rode the life out of each other.
In fancy dress.
It's a bit of a tradition.
Well it's not a very romantic one.
Romantic?
Aw, you're just a wee period waiting to happen,
aren't you Packy?
This is great isn't it?
Aye.
I mean, like, you're there, and we're here,
and we're talking.
It's like the future.
Or it's, you know, it's a lot like the telephone.
Telephone?
How is it like the telephone?
Sure, you can't see each other's faces on the telephone.
True enough.
Anyway, we've a bit of bad news.
Christ.
The mice isn't back, Is he?
No, I found that wee prick in the end.
Strangled him. - Oh thank god.
Sorry, did you say you strangled it?
Aye.
Right.
So listen, your cousin Sean has split up with Claire.
I thought Claire was about to have the baby.
Oh, she had it. Last night.
That's the problem.
It came out Japanese.
Japanese?
They're looking into it now.
Trying to work out how it might have happened.
She rode a Japanese fella, Da.
That's how it happened.
Sean's very upset.
He just needs to get away for a while to clear his head.
Right.
You have not told him he can come here.
Sure it'll do him good to get away for a wee bit.
I don't think it will.
I think that's a bad idea.
I think it's a terrible, terrible bad idea.
Why?
Because he's a ball bag.
I just can't believe it.
I don't know what to do.
Though, I suppose talking about it might help.
Would it though really?
You're sure?
Everything we had, I mean, was it just one big lie?
Why would she do this to me?
Do you think it might have something to do with the fact
that, you know, you're not much crack.
Jesus Bronagh.
I'm only saying.
I mean, how long was it going on for?
How long?
Well how the fuck would we know, Sean?
Seriously, that's enough.
He's the one asking stupid questions.
Are you sure that he's definitely Japanese?
Maybe he's just got a Japanese vibe about him.
You think?
Aw, he's a sweet Japanese fella.
You know what?
It all sort of make sense now.
She was forever going to that sushi
restaurant in West Belfast.
What's going on?
Sean's wife is doing the dog with some Japanese lad.
Oh shite one.
Right.
Everybody needs to try on their costume.
Hold on.
West Belfast has a sushi restaurant?
I hate her.
I hate the bitch.
I wish she was dead.
I'm all right for a costume.
I'm sort of my own act.
You'll be wearing the costume I made for you, fuck features.
I'll find out who he is, I'll track the bastard down.
You mark my words.
Why do you always get to decide what we dress up as?
Because nobody else gives a flying fuck.
I'm sick of it, Niamh.
I'm going to do my own thing from now on,
I'm going to be my own man.
Don't you dare try to be you're own man.
Bronagh, he's trying to be his own man.
I'll show him. I'll show both of them.
They'll pay for this.
They won't know what's hit them.
All right now Sean.
You've gone a bit psychotic on it there, mate.
We'll have less of that.
I don't even want to go tonight.
Why the fuck did I bother?
I can't drink, Niamh.
It might not be such a bad idea if you stay.
I mean, someone has to keep an eye on him.
Why should I miss the party.
You just said you didn't want to go.
Aye, but I'm not sitting with this [inaudible]..
Just bring him with us.
They think I'm just going to let them get away with it.
Well, they can think again.
I'm not sure he's in the party mood.
He will have a grand old time.
What do you say, Sean, you fancy it?
I hate the Japanese.
Great stuff.
The worst part is, we can never get back together now.
I couldn't forget what she did.
That child would just be a constant reminder,
because well at the end of the day, he's fucking Japanese.
Aye.
There's no getting around that, right enough.
Like, from Japan.
I can't believe Conor, I mean, is he deliberately trying
to make us look like twats?
We already look like twats.
We look fucking brilliant.
But I don't remember Dorothy meeting that
prick on the yellow brick road.
Houston, let's get fucking wallpapered.
How?
How in this day and age with all the advancements
in modern medicine, how can you still not drink on antibiotics?
Shouldn't they be focusing on that?
Shouldn't that be a priority?
Well I think they're sort of tied up trying to cure
cancer and AIDS and stuff, so.
It can't be right.
I mean, surely, that's precautionary.
What harm can one drink, two drinks aren't
going to make any difference.
If you drink, that thing might not clear up.
You would never get that back again.
Seriously, think about the bigger picture here.
Oh I see.
Something going on down there, is there?
Shut up.
Claire had chlamydia lots of times.
That's lovely.
Does she seriously think it'll work with him?
Those lads use a different fucking
alphabet for Christ's sake.
And I know I should just move on.
But I can't. I can't.
Right, so me and Conor will go into the [inaudible] and grab
a lot of bottles first.
Take tiny tears with you.
Truth is, I don't even want to.
Why do we have to take him?
I need a break from it.
Because I still love the bitch.
Hey, I'm sure he's in great form.
Crew!
Prepare to disembark.
And I have nothing now.
Nothing.
So, loser gets lumbered with misery's mother here, agreed?
All right, go on then.
- Call. - Scissors.
- What? - No, stone.
No, pepper.
No, scissor.
Stone.
All right, just you relax yourself, there, Conor.
Heads.
Balls.
Why does nobody want me.
Because you're crying cut, Sean.
Seriously, I don't think I'm well.
My hands are shaking, my vision is funny,
everything seems to be happening really slowly.
Oh, you're just sober, Bronagh.
I don't like it, Niamh.
I don't like it at all.
All right, Tony.
We're Conor's mates.
We aren't early are we?
No, not at all.
Where's your bathroom?
I'm not feeling the best.
Upstairs. First on the right.
You guys look great.
Oh well, you don't.
That is one seriously shite costume.
You said there was an [inaudible] here, Conor.
There doesn't seem to be a sign of intelligent life
anywhere.
Where is it?
There appears to be a system malfunction.
Seriously, Conor, keep talking like that, I will floor you.
Uh, excuse me, mate.
Do you have the time?
Yeah, hold on, just gotta, you know, it's, uh--
- Give me your wallet! - What?
Your wallet.
I think he wants your wallet, mate.
I just got that much, Conor.
And you, your wallet.
Oh look, now they want my wallet.
And your phones, hurry up.
Boys come on, this is bad crack now.
Hurry the fuck up.
Yeah, now, uh, strop.
What?
What are you gonna do?
Strip, come on, do it.
Look lads, we're prepared to meet you halfway
on the wallets and the phones.
But there is absolutely no way that we--
Jesus, Conor.
Now the label says dry clean only, which
is a bit of a pain in the arse, but you're better not to chance
these things. - Cheers.
No sweat.
Seriously?
Mm-hm.
There you go, guys.
Jesus, it's not exactly jumping, is it Tony?
Where is everyone? Where's Sweet Pete?
I don't know what's going on to be honest.
You have such pretty hair.
Aye, I know.
Can I touch it?
Why do you want to touch her hair?
Oh, the fella's only human.
Work away, Tony.
So soft.
I don't even have to use conditioner.
I'd like us all to watch something together.
I think you'll really enjoy it.
I think we could have a really nice time.
Oh, sure why not.
Put it on, then, Tony.
Right, so they took my phone, my wallet, with two bank cards
in it, my credit card, and his wallet, which while I'm
guessing there wasn't much in.
My Boot Advantage card, Packy.
I had nearly 200 points on that.
I'm saving up for a hairdryer.
Right, so his wallet, his phone.
What type of phone was it, sir?
A mobile.
It was a mobile phone. - Anything else?
And our clothes.
They made us strip in the street.
It was a scream.
Can you describe what you were wearing?
Certainly.
I was Buzz Lightyear.
And I was dressed as the Tin Man.
We were going to a fancy dress party.
But they don't go together.
I'm sorry.
If he was Buzz Lightyear, you should have done Woody.
Why didn't you do Woody.
Yeah, Packy, why didn't you do Woody?
I mean, it's so simple.
Cowboy hat, cowboy boots.
OK so--
Waistcoat, toy gun, easy.
Right, so, what happens now.
We put it on file.
OK and then what.
Then it's on file.
I see.
So you've put it on file, get that.
That's great.
When did you, you know, catch the bastards.
To be honest, we don't really.
You don't?
The majority of the time we don't.
I see.
Oh, Conor.
How's it going? - Jimmy!
Are you well?
No complaints.
Hey, how's your mommy and daddy?
They're keeping well.
Tell me this, did they get the mouse in the end?
Yeah they did, aye.
Thank god. Oh, sorry.
This is my mate, Packy.
All right.
Shit, you'll never guess what happened to us.
These two lads came up to us in the street
and asked us for all our stuff and we just gave it to them.
We were robbed at knife point, Jimmy.
Oh, Jesus.
That's desperate.
So I just took a fair in SoHo and the bastard
did a run around me.
Don't you report it are you?
Not exactly, no Packy.
What happened was, I chased the fellow in question,
caught up with him and beat the living
Jesus out of him with a brick.
Got myself arrested and now sure aren't I only open
a charge for GBH.
Christ, still, handy you found a brick when you needed it.
Had a bit of luck there at least.
No it was my own brick.
I just think it's best to have a brick on me at all times, lads.
Right?
Is that so?
Listen, if you need a life anywhere, I'm parked outside.
Just let me sign this release form.
Cheers, Jimmy.
Lovely fella.
Yeah, he does know we can't pay him, though.
Doesn't he?
Jesus Christ.
Sick bastard.
We're leaving.
What the fuck is going on?
Is, is that Button Moon?
Aye, we're just watching a bit of Button Moon, we are.
I don't know what's happening anymore.
What's he doing to your hair?
I was thinking a french braid.
Right, get up now.
We need to get out of here.
Don't go, please.
Sweet Pat will be here soon.
Who the fuck is Sweet Pat?
You're not Tony, are ya?
Come on, lads.
Jump in.
What are you waiting for?
It's a Rickshaw.
Yeah, what were you expecting?
A car, Conor.
I was expecting a fucking car.
Come on, Packy.
Jump in, son.
Now hold on tight, lads.
For I like it faster.
This is how I'm going to die, isn't it?
In a rickshaw, in my fucking knickers.
Jesus Christ, Packy.
Pickup.
No answer.
I can't believe Conor gave us the wrong address.
Bronagh, I don't think me coming out tonight
was such a good idea.
Could we maybe go somewhere quiet and talk?
I need to get all this off my chest properly.
If I don't--
Not now fuck all.
Answer.
Oh what if Sweet Pete rides somebody
else before I get there? - You'd live.
No, I wouldn't.
I love him, Bronagh.
I'm in love with him.
It's love.
Love, is it, really?
What's his surname? - Pete.
Grand.
Fucking voicemail.
Look I say we call it a night.
We have no idea where this party is
and we are never, ever going to find it.
I think that might be it.
[shouting]
Could be, aye.
Could you slow down a wee bit, there Jimmy?
I feel sick.
I feel like Cinderella.
Or the Queen.
Yeah!
Go on, you good thing, you.
Ride on, Jimmy!
You mad, bastard, you.
I mean, basically, five days you can eat whatever you want,
like whatever you want.
And the other two days, you fast.
Which doesn't mean starve, because you
can still have 500 cals.
Maybe even 600 cals.
It's really amazing.
You're making me very, very upset.
Niamh, Niamh, Niamh.
Niamh!
What is it, Sweet Pete?
I'm sorry, it's just, this really
to make me feel comfortable.
Just ignore him.
His hands on my leg.
He's grand.
[sobbing]
Fine.
You stay there.
Come on, you.
Let's go and have a wee chat.
Everything's gonna be OK.
I'm not sure it will, though.
That's it, in you go.
This is a cupboard, now.
There now, sh, you're all right.
Why am I in a cupboard, Niamh?
Now you just settle yourself.
Just close your wee eyes.
Niamh?
Now you just have a bit of a lie down.
Have a bit of a think to yourself.
That's it.
[door locking]
Niamh?
I might slice up some apple, eat it with some yogurt.
That's like 80 cals.
And then for lunch, like, a salmon salad, 300 cals
- Oh thank fuck. - What is it?
What's wrong?
I don't know, she just kept saying cals
and I couldn't make it stop.
I couldn't make it stop, Packy.
It's all right.
It's not all right.
Everyone keeps talking absolute balls and people,
people keep saying the same thing over and over again.
Everyone's pissed and you're not.
That's all, it's totally normal.
Really?
Really.
Have you got no clothes on?
Me and Conor sort of got mugged.
You're, uh, I think you might be touching me
chest, there Bronagh.
It's really smooth.
Right, but we're moving into slightly strange territory
here, so.
Well, this is interesting.
Hello?
Help me.
It's happening again.
Look, Bronagh, I'm not sure this is a good idea.
You're really sober and I just don't
want to take advantage of that.
- I don't care if you do. - Really?
No.
All right, fuck it then.
[scream]
Oh what is dicko playing at night?
There's talk of him slitting his wrists.
Stay back, don't try to stop me, stay back.
Oh, Sean, what's this all about?
I just don't see the point anymore.
Sean, come on let's talk about this.
I wanted to talk about this, but none of you listen.
And then Niamh locked me in a cupboard.
You locked him in a cupboard?
Yeah and I wanna know who let him out.
It wasn't me.
Stopped being a mite and put the knife down, Sean.
- No I won't. - So, what?
You're actually going to slit your wrists like a sad bastard?
Yes, I am.
Just put the knife down, mate.
Why?
I have nothing to live for now.
Though none of you give a shit.
We do give a shit, mate.
I couldn't give less of a shit.
Me neither.
Not helpful, lads.
Just try and stay calm, Sean.
It just hurts so much.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, that's better.
Really, now?
I need the pain to stop.
[gasps]
Wait, I didn't want to have to do this,
but you forced my hand.
Sean, I'm ringing your ma.
You're not ringing his ma.
Bronagh, you're not gonna inform.
I'm doing it.
I'm ringing his ma and I'm telling her
he's over here committing suicide.
Let's see what she has to say about that.
Oh Bronagh, please.
Oh, you are so, so fucked.
No, don't phone my Ma, Bronagh.
She'll go mad, she'll kill me.
You've left me no choice.
No, please, stop.
I'm sorry.
I'm putting the knife down.
I'm putting it down.
Should you be doing that?
What about your, you know, your, um, problem?
That's not something you need to concern yourself with,
Packy.
That small window is nailed shut.
Right.
Thought so.
Imagine trying to slit your own wrists like.
Arsehole.
That's not a good way to go.
Is there a good way to go?
I wouldn't mind being run over by an ice cream van.
What?
I just love 99s.
Maybe I could choke on a flick.
I'd rather just die peacefully, you know,
in my sleep.
I just don't think you've given
this enough thought, Packy.
I'd go for drowning.
I see, why?
I think I'm just a really good summer.
I'm like a fish.
Doesn't swimming sort of defeat the purpose, Niamh?
How so?
Never mind.
Here, which one of us you think will go first?
Conor.
Oh, lads.
You don't really mean it.
Are you just saying that?
Oh I mean it all right.
I might even make sure of it.
Thanks, Bronagh.
Don't mention it.
[MUSIC - JOHNTA AUSTIN - "CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT"] Nobody can deny it.
You've got a good thing going on.
You got me spinning like a yo-yo as you play me all night long.
So are you gonna give me what I want,
or am I gonna have to beg.
I can't live without.