You're serious?
You haven't heard that before?
Hold on.
He said that we all want to ride our mas and kill our dads?
Well, that's putting it bluntly, but yeah.
Oh, for god's sake, what's wrong with that fella?
No.
I definitely don't want to ride my ma.
I mean, she was a bit of a looker 20 years ago,
but she has lost it.
No, it's the other way around for girls.
Girls want to kill their ma and ride their dad.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not better.
What does it mean if you don't want to ride your ma or da,
but you do want to kill both of them?
That you're a sociopath.
This Freud laddie sounds as mad as a bag of cats.
Do you know what he said about the Irish?
What?
That we're the only people who are immune to psychoanalysis.
What did he mean?
That we're so fucking mental that there's just no fixing us.
What would that pervert know?
[music playing]
Still no word from Connor.
Would you relax?
He'll be back.
He only went to the chippy.
Seven days ago!
You don't think it's a bit worrying?
I think it's a long time to be waiting on a battered sausage.
What if something's wrong?
What if he's had an accident or been, you know,
kidnapped or something?
Kidnapped?
Oh, come on.
What are the chances of that happening--
again?
I hope you're right, because that was fucking awful.
Aye, was it? He had a great time.
He hadn't a bad word to say about those lads.
Didn't he invite them to his twenty-first?
I suppose.
And they did make a cake.
Mm-hmm.
It's nice, this, isn't it? Having a cuddle.
Yeah.
Do you know what's even nicer?
Naked cuddling.
Uh, I can't, Niamh.
You can!
It's just like normal cuddling, only we don't have a stitch on.
It's class!
But it could lead to other things.
Come on, Marty.
Let's just have a quick roll around.
No one's going to know.
God will know.
Will he, though?
The fella has an awful lot going on.
I'm sure we're none of his notion.
He's all-seeing, Niamh.
Aye, so he is, the prick.
You said you cared about me.
I do.
If you really cared about me, you'd ride me.
All right, what's happening?
Connor still hasn't come back.
It's grand.
I'm not even hungry anymore.
How's things with the Virgin Marty?
Still nothing.
He won't even let me have a bit of a shuffle.
Niamh, look, I don't think it's going to happen.
You've tried your best.
Nobody can fault you.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
But I really want to bounce on his balls, Packy!
I know.
Oh, Christ!
Look-- an invitation to Caoimhe Kavanagh's new exhibition.
Who?
Went to school with her.
Absolute dose.
What are you talking about?
You loved Caoimhe Kavanagh.
You wanted to be Caoimhe Kavanagh.
No, I did not!
Oh, come on, Bronagh.
Your head was up her hole.
One Christmas she knit her a leg warmer.
You knitted her a leg warmer?
What, like, just the one leg warmer?
I don't want to talk about it.
You creeped the living Jesus out of the poor girl.
I'm surprised she's even invited you to this thing.
Well, it's-- it's actually addressed to you.
"This haunting exhibition is Belfast-born Kavanagh's most
personal yet, drawing heavily on her own traumatic childhood."
Oh, what a bag of balls!
Yeah, it does sound like a shower of shite, in fairness.
Traumatic childhood?
She lived in this huge house in the countryside,
and she had a horse.
An actual horse-- you know, with legs and everything.
Such a lovely fella.
When did you get to meet the horse?
When I went to her sleepover.
You want to Caoimhe Kavanagh's sleepover?
Well, I think it sounds interesting.
She's lying, Packy.
She's lying about her past to sell a few pishy paintings.
It's disgusting, it's unethical, and we
are having no part in it.
Apparently she's got fat.
Who's got fat?
Caoimhe's got fat?
How fat are we talking?
Oh, we're talking massive.
When is this thing open?
Tonight, is it?
[music playing]
All right?
Hola.
Como estas?
Sorry, who would you be?
[spanish] Keira Knightley.
Oh.
I see.
Excuse me.
All right.
How's it going?
I think these might be a bit cold.
Ah, it's only been a week. I'm sure they'll be grand.
- Do you think? - No, I don't think.
Where the fuck have you been?
Does that wee Spanish woman belong to you?
She's Mexican!
What's she doing in our bathroom.
Well, I think that's her business.
Connor, who is she?
OK, so I ran into Jonjo Riley at the chippy,
and we decided that we'd go for a pint.
So we headed into this bar, and, um--
what do you call that place again?
- I don't know. - You do know.
What is it it's called? - No idea.
You do!
It's that place that's exactly like Ireland
but totally different. - Scotland.
That's it!
You went for a pint in Scotland?
Aye.
So Jonjo gets himself into a fight
with-- do you know that fellow, Taggart?
- The fella from the TV show? - Aye.
- The dead fella? - Aye.
So Jonjo gets himself into a scrap with him.
And even though he wasn't the one to start the fight,
we were the ones that got kicked out, because--
well, the bouncers are hardly going
to tackle that fellow, Taggart.
He's very high up in the police force.
Like, he's a detective.
He's not a detective, though.
He was an actor who played a detective and who is now dead.
Exactly.
So whoever Jonjo fought with in that pub,
it wasn't fucking Taggart, Connor.
Oh, look, Packy, with all due respect, I was there,
you weren't, so--
Who the feck is the fecking Mexican woman
in the fecking bathroom?
I'm getting to that!
Well, get there quicker. Get there much quicker.
Get there now. - Her name is Maria.
And she is my wife.
Come the fuck again?
He went to Scotland, and he married this wee Mexican lady.
Oh, this is a whole other level of spastification.
And you, you could do a lot better.
[spanish]
Aye.
Well, so you should be.
I know I ask you this a lot, mate,
but I'd genuinely like an answer this time.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Yeah, OK, it's sudden.
And yes, maybe we should have told you first.
But we just got so caught up in the moment.
It just felt right, you know?
Connor, you only know what happened
cause you found the marriage certificate in your shoe.
[spanish] Keira Knightley.
[spanish]
Why is she banging on about Keira Knightley?
She's a big fan.
Connor, seriously, you need to work out what
you're going to do about this.
Definitely have to start looking for our own place.
We're thinking North London.
We've heard the schools are better.
Listen to me, mate.
You're not moving to North London.
You're not having kids.
You're getting this thing annulled.
No, Packy.
There'll be no annulling.
Oh, there's going to be annulling, Connor.
There's going to be lots of fucking annulling.
Will we get to meet the pope?
Look, Packy, you're my best friend, but she is my wife.
Don't you make me choose.
Is this actually happening?
I'll tell you what you haven't thought about, cock piss.
The ma and da, they are going to kick your hole for this.
You are so, so, so dead.
[laughing and cheering]
Woo-hoo!
Good man yourself.
Congratulations, son!
Really?
Seriously?
And she's a beautiful-looking girl.
You're a beautiful-looking girl, Maria.
Very exotic.
All right, folks.
She's Mexican.
She's not deaf.
You have to take a run over to us, Maria, love.
We'll have a bit of a do.
We'll get some tacos in.
Oh, isn't that lovely?
Not at all racist.
I'll tell you what, we could do with a bit of good news
after the week we've had.
What's wrong, ma?
It's all kicking off on the estate.
What do you mean?
We're having an awful lot of bother with the ghost.
Right. Of course you are.
What's it up to?
Oh, what's it not up to?
It's knocking over bins, digging up gardens.
Are you sure it's a ghost?
It wouldn't be, like, a dog or a fox
or, you know, something that actually exists?
No, it's definitely a ghost.
Maggie Gallagher caught him floating out of her garage.
We think it was trying to nick our car.
Crafty bastard!
What are you going to do, da?
Well, we've spoken to Father Michael.
He said he'd call up after 7 o'clock mass
and just zap the dirty wee brute out of here.
Right.
Well, you seem to have that covered.
So, Bronagh, love, your wee brother made it down the aisle
before you.
How does that feel?
Sorry, I can't--
the connection's a bit--
idiots.
[music playing]
Lads, I've made a decision.
A big decision.
I'm going to marry Marty.
- Uh, no, you're fucking not. - Why not?
Connor got married.
It was the best day of my life.
- See? - No.
Look, people need to stop marrying people.
It's getting out of hand. - No, no.
It's not for good.
I'm just going to marry him, ride him, and divorce him.
- You can't divorce him. - How come?
These hard-line Christians don't believe in divorce,
Niamh. - Oh, what do they believe in?
- Being born bastards mainly. - Seriously, Niamh.
Just pack it in.
Oh, no chance.
I've put far too much time and effort into this.
I am going to ride him, Packy.
So help me God, I'm going to ride him sideways.
But how to do it, lads-- how?
Hold a gun to his head?
No, Niamh.
Just no.
[spanish]
Mm.
Me too.
Maria's really looking forward to the exhibition.
She loves art. We have so much in common.
Like you've ever set foot in an art gallery
before, ballroot.
Are we seriously going to go all the way into town just
to stand in a room and stare at stuff?
The only thing I'm going to be staring at the night
is Caoimhe's big fat hole.
[music playing]
Wankerville.
I can't see Caoimhe anywhere.
And she should be pretty hard to miss.
Seriously, Bronagh.
The fact that this girl is overweight now makes you happy?
Uh, yeah.
Yes, it does.
Lads!
Get yourself involved in this.
This table is coming down with cheese--
all kinds of cheese.
And it's free!
It's a table full of free cheese, lads.
I'm all right for cheese, mate.
You fill your boots.
[spanish]
Aye.
Fair play to you, Maria.
She talks some amount of balls.
What are you doing?
There's a really hot woman waving at me.
Look.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You know her?
Who is she? - Caoimhe.
- She's not fat. - Nope!
She's thin.
Yep.
I'm going to decorate Niamh's face with a nail gun.
Bronagh.
My god, it's been--
Christ, how long has it been?
- Eight years. - Eight years?
Really? That long?
Actually, I think it's more like eight
years and three months.
The last time I saw you, it was prize giving night.
You were wearing your blue dress.
Remember?
No, not really.
Below the knee, sleeveless, very figure-hugging.
I mean, how did you cope with the old VPL?
I suppose you wore a thong.
Or maybe you wore nothing.
I mean, I'm not sure what your knicker situation was.
Well, it's good to see you anyway.
Yeah. We came with Niamh.
Niamh got invited.
I didn't get invited.
I didn't get invited to this.
I didn't get invited to your sleepover.
You look great.
So do you.
You look great.
And you look small.
You look great and small.
So-- what do you make of the exhibition?
Well, we are just absolutely loving it.
I mean, it was just so thought provokingly--
thought provoking.
Yeah.
I'm sort of preoccupied with that space between childhood
and adulthood, the end of innocence.
- Yeah. - You know?
Yeah, me too.
- Me three. - Are you?
Yeah.
The end of innocence, and just endings generally
because there are so many endings in life, aren't there?
Oh, absolutely.
So many endings, yes.
But also so many beginnings.
Of course.
And so many endings that are beginnings and beginnings
that are endings.
- That's a very good point. - Is it?
Is it really?
Like when a relationship ends, yes, something is over.
But something new is about to start.
That's a great way to look at it.
I think so, especially now that I am single--
you know, unattached, completely available.
Patrick, by the way.
Caoimhe.
- I'm writing a book, Caoimhe. - Are you?
Are you?
Yes, Packy.
Amazing.
Is it fiction, nonfiction?
Well, I'm not sure what it is yet.
I'm at a very early stage in the creative process.
But, you know, I've got a few ideas,
and I've bought some pens, so--
Brilliant.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it will be, yeah.
Cool.
Well, look, I should probably mingle for a bit.
But don't go anywhere.
Do you hear me? - Loud and clear.
Bye!
What?
Do you want to ride her or something?
Ugh.
It's just, there is something so sad about it.
She just looks lost.
It's a bit half art.
It's not even colored in.
I think it's deliberately stark, because--
Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.
I see that now.
Martin, listen, I need to tell you something.
What's wrong, Niamh?
I'm dying, Marty.
You're dying?
I'm on my way out.
And when did you find this out?
I got the test results this afternoon.
I was with you this afternoon.
Yesterday afternoon.
And the thing is, before I go, I want to--
no, I need to get the buck one last time.
Yeah, I thought you might.
Well, we should probably head home
and get cracking in that case.
Niamh, are you lying to me?
Do you seriously think I would lie about something like this?
Well, yeah, I think you might, actually.
Oh, fine.
Let's go and look at some more dicky drawings, then.
[spanish]
I'm not too sure, actually.
Camembert, maybe.
I'll tell you what, though.
It is fucking lovely!
Bronagh, this is probably why she never took to you.
You should have knitted her the pair.
One leg warmer is no use to anyone like!
You told me she was fat.
Yeah.
I don't know where I got that from.
She should be fat, Niamh.
She had a horse.
Where's the justice?
Yeah.
I'm still having no joy with frigid features.
You just going to cut your losses, then?
Maybe.
But first I might try this.
Have you heard of this Rohypnol stuff?
It's supposed to be great.
Aye, so I believe.
I just think it's important to explore all my options.
[spanish]
Maria, look.
It's all right.
Just calm down.
[spanish]
I don't know what's wrong with her.
Jesus, wind your neck in, Maria.
[spanish]
Is everything OK?
She's lost the run of herself.
[spanish]
Maria, seriously, lot of baldies.
Do you need me to translate?
I speak Spanish.
I speak a bit of French.
Which has shite all to do with anything.
[spanish], Maria?
[spanish]
She would like her husband to look at the pictures with her.
[spanish]
But he is only interested in the cheese.
[spanish]
He doesn't care for her.
He only cares for the cheese.
[spanish]
She now realizes--
[spanish]
--that fame has taught him to be selfish.
Fame?
She thinks Connor's famous?
Famous for what?
[spanish]
[spanish] Jack Sparrow [spanish]..
She says he plays Captain Jack Sparrow
in "Pirates of the Caribbean."
Oh, really?
Does he now?
Maria, Connor is many things, but he
is not Captain Jack Sparrow.
[spanish] Capitan Jack Sparrow.
No?
[spanish] Capitan Jack Sparrow?
No.
[spanish]
Did he play anybody in "Pirates of the Caribbean"?
Not as far as I know.
Did he fuck.
No.
[spanish]
What does that mean?
She prays he gets fucked hard by a pig.
Oh, I'm really starting to like her.
Oh, look.
It's Edward fucking Scissorhands.
What?
You told that wife of yours that you were Johnny Depp?
I did not.
Then why does she think you're Johnny Depp, Connor?
Oh.
I get that a lot.
Dickhead.
Jesus Christ!
What?
Have you seen my wee virgin anywhere?
I was sure put him here.
Do you like this one?
I do.
I love all the use of color and the use of paint.
I had the idea for it in a dream.
Really?
I just-- I woke up one night and just leaped out of bed.
It was still pitch black outside,
but I knew I just had to get it out of my head
right there and then.
I didn't even stop to get dressed or anything.
I mean, standing in the studio naked,
painting through the night.
Can you imagine?
Oh, yeah.
I can.
I can imagine, all right.
[furniture crashing]
- Bronagh. - What?
- Can you lend me 100 quid? - Get to fuck!
- Please. - What for?
I sort of-- well, I might have accidentally bought a painting.
Are you seriously going to pay 100 quid for one
of these pieces of pish? - 500.
And I have to use my rent money as well.
500 quid? Are you deranged?
I know, Bronagh.
But she started talking about painting in the nip.
And before I knew it, it had all gone too far.
I mean, there's no backing out now.
She's put a wee "sold" sticker on it and everything.
Well, tell her to take the wee sold sticker off.
I don't think that's how it works.
Packy, tell her you can't afford it.
I fancy the arse off her, Bronagh.
Jesus Christ. Fine.
I'll fucking tell her tell.
- Tell who what? - Oh, no.
It's not important. It's nothing.
Um-- cheese?
No, I'm good for cheese, thanks.
Patrick, this will probably be wrapped up in about an hour,
and I was just wondering--
Yeah?
Well, I was wondering if you fancy going for a drink
afterwards.
She was wondering if you fancy a drink afterwards.
I would definitely fancy that.
He doesn't want your stupid painting!
Oh, here you are, taking the piss.
Oh! I'm so sorry.
She was really upset, and I was just comforting her.
And one thing has just led to another.
Oh, [spanish]!
She was upset.
I'm upset!
Two weeks without getting poked.
That's fucking upsetting, Marty.
[spanish]
Maria, will you pipe down for two seconds, please?
I'm trying to have a conversation here.
I'm so sorry.
I couldn't fight it.
She's just so exotic, and her accent--
What, and I'm not exotic?
My accent's not sexy?
I'll have you know, my accent was
voted the sexiest in the world.
In the world!
Vote by who?
People.
There was a poll.
I'm really sorry.
I was weak.
Please forgive me.
No, I won't forgive you.
And you know who else won't?
God.
I know for a fact, he is absolutely fucking
fuming about this.
You said you loved it.
You said it spoke to you.
Well, Caoimhe, he was talking shite.
Connor!
Your wife is out there fucking my virgin.
Maria?
No, it can't be true.
She's bouncing on his bar as we speak, Connor.
Well, what can you do?
Get out there and pull her off him.
I am repping, Connor.
I put all the hard work in, and she's
out there riding my reward.
Come on, guys.
People are looking.
What, you're embarrassed?
We're embarrassing you, are we?
No, it's just--
We are the ones who should be embarrassed for coming here
and for taking part in this sham.
Sham?
Traumatic childhood?
What the fuck was traumatic about your childhood
exactly, Caoimhe?
Didn't you live in a mansion?
Didn't you have people knitting you leg warmers?
One leg warmer.
Jesus Christ, I ran out of fucking wool!
OK, Bronagh.
Just calm down.
You come down.
I am calm.
Oh, I'm Caoimhe, and I'm calm, even
though I suffer terrible hardships
like having my very own horse.
It was so stressful combing its full mane
and feeding it fucking sugar lumps.
Seriously, Bronagh, I think you need to stop talking now.
Well, do you know what I think, Caoimhe?
I think you should stick your horse
right up your skinny hole.
[gasping]
Are you trying to be deliberately
offensive, Bronagh?
Yeah, clearly.
Trixie was shot dead!
- Trixie? - The horse!
All right.
Shot dead, was he?
Yeah, in front of my very eyes by my own father.
I see.
Did not know that.
He didn't mean to.
He thought it was intruders, but in the darkness
and in the confusion, he fired.
By the time he realized, it was too late.
Trixie was lying there on the kitchen floor.
Hold on, your horse was in the kitchen?
It just looked as though he were sleeping.
How does a horse get into the kitchen?
I still can't look my father in the eye.
Did your house just have, like, massive doors?
I thought that this exhibition might put it to rest,
but it doesn't.
It won't.
Now, now.
It's OK.
You're OK.
- Oh, really? - Trixie!
[sobbing]
God, you a firm grip on you there.
[inaudible]
Do you know, that's starting to hurt.
I loved that horse!
Yeah, I know.
But we really need to catch the last tube, so--
[sobbing]
Fuck me!
[gasping]
Come on, Niamh.
Come on, Connor.
- What about the-- - Leave the cheese, mate.
It's enough cheese for one night.
And you didn't think to tell me that her da shot her horse?
I didn't think it was a big deal.
People's pets die all the time.
Yeah, that's true.
I had a hamster once.
Libby.
How many times?
I didn't kill your hamster, Connor.
Yeah, well, you certainly didn't
make her feel very welcome.
So Maria left, did she?
Yeah, yeah.
I really thought she was the one.
Oh, Connor, she couldn't speak English,
and she thought you were Captain Jack Sparrow.
Aye, it wasn't meant to be, mate.
Yeah, I can see where she got it from.
You do look a bit like Johnny Depp, Connor.
Aye, after a stroke maybe.
People always say I've got a touch of the Angelina Jolies
about me. - About your where exactly?
I don't look like anybody.
Oh, that's not true.
You're the spit of your Tommy.
OK.
I don't look like anybody who isn't my brother.
Do you know who you've always reminded me of, Bronagh?
- Who? - Rainbow Brite.
[chuckling]
That is freaky.
I'll take that.
She's not a bad looking doll.
THEME MUSIC: Nobody can deny it.
You've got a good thing going on.
You got me spinning like a yo-yo as you're
playing me all night long.
So you gonna give me what I want,
or am I gonna have to beg?
I can't live without.