(thunderclaps) (rhythmic chanting and singing)
(singing continues)
♪ Bah-hoo-yeah Bah-hoo-yeah
Bah-hoo-yeah. ♪
(creaking) (groaning)
(cackling) Welcome back from the dead, Chief Lazarus! (groaning)
CHIEF LAZARUS: I only got one thing on my mind.
Revenge! (loud thunderclaps)
(laughs) (cackling)
(cackles) (explosion)
♪
What exactly are you here for?
MAC: We need $40 million.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
So we've shot a great deal of
the movie, and we're gonna show it to you.
We just need a little money to finish it.
Yeah, see, we had a little bit of a falling out with our financier.
He's also playing Chief Lazarus.
Just, we had some creative differences with him, you know,
which is why we're coming to you, but, look, that's neither
here nor there.
Don't worry about that.
CHARLIE: The guy wanted to shoot a full penetration sex
scene and show it.
But, to be fair, I don't have a problem, as much, with the act
itself as I do with the man who's performing it.
Don't get into that.
It's, like, more specific than she needs to...
Let her know. I think she... Look, I just, I think that no
one wants to see Frank smashing genitalia with a woman, but if
it were me doing it, you know, imagine that.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Imagine all the positions that I could get into.
You know, reverse pile driver, seated scissors, wheelbarrow,
reverse cowgirl.
I know all the positions.
Whatever you like.
He can do 'em all.
I can do 'em all, yeah.
He can do 'em all.
So imagine that.
Do you see the difference?
We don't finance movies here.
Let's show her more of the movie.
Get into the story a little bit.
Okay, that's exactly right.
Keep watching, and then see the big picture, know that there
are budgetary and time limitations and ignore them, please.
Yeah.
♪
(indistinct chatter)
ROGER: In your face, sucker. ♪
(buzzer sounds) (laughter, whooping)
Oh, shit! (slow clapping)
(indistinct chatter)
Riggs, what the hell are you doing here?
Our relationship is strained. RIGGS (Australian accent):
Thought I'd give you some pointers on your jump shot.
Noticed you weren't squaring up on the basket.
(Roger laughs) Schooling a black man on
basketball. You must be crazy.
Crazy enough to want to know why you never RSVP'd to my wedding.
Gee, do I want to see my ex-special forces ex-partner
marry my baby girl daughter? Thanks.
I respectfully say, "No." I tell you what, Sarge.
Let's play a quick game of one-on-one.
You score on me, you don't have to come to the wedding.
If I score on you, I don't have to come to the wedding?
That's right. So all I do is score once,
and then I don't come to the wedding?
Yes. Well, this is gonna be... a slam dunk! ♪
(ball bouncing) (Roger laughs)
Break a leg. Hell, break both of 'em.
(Roger laughs) (saxophone plays jazz)
Heavenly Father, we thank you for your glories.
We also thank Martin for his lovely sax solo in lieu of vows.
Rianne will now recite hers. RIANNE (Southern accent): My
love, when I look deep in your eyes, I find my own destiny.
I find that I want to love you for the rest of my days, and I
will. I will spend every day of my
life trying to make you the happiest man in the whole world.
(crying): That was lovely. If anybody has any objection to
this union, you speak now, or forever hold your peace.
I object. What?!
(crowd gasping and groaning) I need to do something
first-- get your father's blessing.
♪
(Roger scoffs) I came here for my daughter,
not you. I love her, Rog.
(Roger sighs) Yeah.
I know you do, pal. ♪
(explosion) (screaming)
(overlapping shouting) No!
(screaming and shouting)
I love weddings. They always such a blast!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Got to get out of here!
(crowd screams and shouts)
Oh! Oh, let me out of here! Let me out of here! Oh!
(grunting)
(crowd screaming and shouting) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
♪
Um... I don't get why you're making this.
Oh, I mean... Oh...
God, the bank didn't get it either.
Why make anything, you know? For the money, for the glory,
for the fame. Absolutely.
All-- the whole thing. Yeah, and-and clearly the
movie's pretty kick-ass right up until we get to the special
effects snafu. Our ex-backer liked to cut
corners, but we feel like, with your technical expertise, being
from a dot-com company and all, and your money, we could really
make a kick-ass movie. Yeah, now, the next scene is,
um, the next scene is bad. The next scene is a little bit
of a disaster. It's got some problems, too,
but then, once we get past that, it's pretty good, but let me set
this up for you so you're not totally confused.
Somebody released some kind of a biting bug, the likes of which
I've never contended with. Frank and I got them from
China, and they just went crazy in the bar and bit us up like...
What do you mean you "got them from China"?
You ordered them? Don't worry about where we
got them or why we were getting them.
Oh, my God, Jesus Christ. We just released them, there
was an issue... All right, so you're gonna
enjoy this part. Go ahead and push play.
Yeah, yeah, keep it going.
Hey, Chief, I'd like to trade in...
(both coughing) ...these flowers for a badge.
Well, I just happen to have that gun.
Welcome back to the force, Riggs.
(whispering): Murtaugh. Murtaugh!
It's great that you're a cop again, Rog.
We'll n-need it. Well, I had to come back
because they killed my baby girl as you was getting married to
her. Yeah.
Looks like I'm not the only cop with a death wish now.
Ha! Chief, I think I found some
clues. What the hell does those
things have to do with Chief Lazarus?
Well, I've got a hunch. Chief, I've got a hunch.
See, feathers were usually used in Indian resurrection burials,
which could only mean one thing. Damn!
Well... That Lazarus is back from the
dead. Damn!
You think?
So he's probably planning an elaborate rain dance to drench
L.A. so bad that it ends up in the ocean.
Making his Indian reservation the only thing left standing and
very valuable beachfront property.
That's could be the only answer. Yeah.
Oh, oh. I'm just gonna fast-forward for a minute. Uh, but this...
Yeah, this is important... That-that-that's okay, I'll,
uh, I'll play it here. Beachfront property on his
Indian reservation. No, you're still going on
about the whole... No, just keep going.
Yeah... yeah, yeah. Well, you got to explain
every aspect of the movie. That's crazy.
Well, that's because when you go to the movies, you know, you
can't follow what's going on. No, you can't follow what's
going on. Yeah, yes, you can.
No, no, you're like, "Who's that guy?
Is that the good guy, is that the bad guy?"
Everybody knows! I'm sorry, guys, um, but
maybe it would help if I saw the original Mel Gibson version
first. W-What do you mean that you've not seen... Wha...? How...?
You've never seen... Lethal Weapon?
No, I mean, I've heard of it.
I think what's happening here is the fact that you're a woman,
and our demographic skews male. Well, um...
It does-- we are a male- driven, uh, you know...
We are testosterone-driven. We're a male-driven entity.
I-I got, I got that. Oh, oh, oh, the next scene.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right, right, right.
Oh, the next scene. That's right, there's stuff
for the... the ladies, I guess. Oh, for the ladies.
Yeah, we shot this for the ladies.
This is all for the ladies. You're gonna love this.
Well... yeah. You're gonna dive right in,
right here. ("Playing with the Boys" by
Kenny Loggins playing) ♪ I'd say it was The right time To walk away
♪ When dreamin' takes you Nowhere
It's time to play ♪ Bodies workin' overtime
Your money don't matter... ♪ Yeah...!
♪ Time keeps ticking When someone's on my mind ♪
♪ Playing Playing with the boys
I'm staying Playing with the boys... ♪
Yeah. (both whoop)
All right. All right, blokes, let's hit the showers, huh? Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
I don't know about you, mate, but I'm sore.
(laughing): I'm really sore. I really needed this.
Oh, I needed it, too, mate. All right, buddy.
Now that we know what Lazarus' plan is, what are we gonna do?
We got to track him down and fight him, you know?
Sure do. We got to track him down and
punch him. We're gonna track him down
and we're gonna... We're gonna go to the strip
club, which I'm excited to do. (laughing): I love strip clubs.
Oh, baby, I love me a good strip club.
We're gonna... I mean, this is crazy, right?
Wha...? I miss her, Riggs.
Nothing's ever gonna make me forget her.
I know, buddy. Lazarus has taken everything
from us, but we're gonna take what he loves most: his life.
Yeah? Well, we'd better do it right
this time, baby. We ain't getting any younger.
That's for sure. I'm starting to think even I'm
getting too old for this shit. Say what?
Oh... (laughs) That's what you always say.
I know. I brought it back.
That's your... Yeah, I got that.
(both laughing) Whoa, shit.
Come here, you rascal. Whoa!
You want to wrestle, you... You want to go, old man?
You young, but you ain't that strong, baby.
You want to go, old man? You want to go, old man?
You too young for this... Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is
this? What are you showing me here?
We're showing you a testosterone-driven, male-
skewing action melodrama. Yeah, you're gonna love this
stuff. And, by the way, as a hedge
fund manager, you're used to this kind of high-stakes,
adrenaline-pumping action, so this should be perfect for you.
I'm a little confused. Oh, is it the character-
switching? 'Cause, just move past that, all
right? Trust me, our audience has come
to expect that kind of thing from us.
No, no, no, I'm confused about what you want.
Uh, you need money to fund your gay porno movie?
Oh, goddamn it, Mac. Gay porno movie?
What are you talking about? See? See!
You even watching the movie? Yes, in a lot of ways this is a
love story between two men. No, it isn't.
Okay, yes, in a... most ways. No, it isn't.
All right, but this is about as masculine as it gets.
It's not, it's not, I mean... No, it isn't, no, it isn't.
You had a butt-double. Oh, of course I had a butt-
double. You think I'm gonna show my butt
on camera, Charlie? Oh, my God, I was
uncomfortable filming the scene. It's not up to the par of
Murtaugh, okay? If you play the movie, you'll
see... It gets way straighter, I
promise. Push play, you're gonna love
this next part. We'll cut that stuff out.
See, nobody wants that...
I sure am glad we came to this strip club, Riggs.
(chuckles) I do like looking at beautiful naked women.
That's because we're not gay. Right, right.
Up next is Lady Starship. She's gonna blow you away with
her celestial body. (chuckles): Lady Starship--
I like the sound of that. ♪
Man, what the hell! Oh, what the f... ♪
(laughs): That's more like it.
Yeah. You like that? I do, yeah.
What are you looking at, man? Shit.
Frank, will you pay attention, man?
I mean, come on, we've been all over town.
We went to a hedge fund guy, a dot-com girl, we went to banks.
No one's gonna fund this thing. No, we need to finish the
movie, Frank. All right, I'll give you the
money. But we do the movie my way.
I want... what I want. And you know what I want.
That's not cool, man. We can make it work, we'll
just have to add some exposition-- a whole scene
of it. What needs to be explained?
It's gonna be perfectly clear!
It's gonna be way too clear what's happening.
Frank, it's gonna ruin the movie, Frank!
It's gonna be so confusing... It's not gonna be... it's not
gonna be confusing. We got a deal or what?
(gunshots) (grunts)
Ah! Damn. Damn! They found us!
(automatic gunfire) We got Lazarus trapped in his
own umbrella factory. Yeah. He gonna do a rain dance
and then make some money on some umbrellas, man.
He a dirty bitch. (gunfire continues)
Come on, let's go get him. (grunting)
I'm gonna jump over this! (gunfire continues)
Get over it! I got you, Riggs! Hurry up!
(automatic gunfire continues) (grunting)
(bullets ricocheting) Oh, I'm getting too old for
this shit. Come on, man!
(yells, groans) We're pinned down, Rog.
This could be it, good buddy. This could be the end.
Okay, Rog, if this is the end, we should be the ones to
end it. You know what? I got this.
(bullet ricochets) (grunts)
(gunshots) (automatic gunfire)
(guns clicking) (gasping)
(grunting) I got that weird Danish twin.
(cackling) Oh, shit!
(bullets ricocheting) Aw, damn! He got away.
Oh, hey, you know what? We got to also remember to get
that shaman priestess from the beginning.
We don't want her bringing him back from the dead...
again. That's a good point.
Where's Mac? He's in the bathroom.
Well, that's not gonna work. I mean, we can't...
It's fine, just go, let's go. He's in the bathroom.
Charlie, it's not... we
can't... I mean, it's... (gunshots)
(bullet ricochets) (gunshots continue)
(grunts): Oh, shit! Rog, I'm out of bullets!
You are? Oh, I'm out of bullets, too, Riggs. Oh, no!
Time to kiss L.A. good-bye, suckers!
'Cause tonight the forecast calls for rain!
(guttural chanting) Riggs, there's a basketball
right there. You should use it.
I know. Wha... Oh!
Oh, shit, Rog. If you make this shot, you will
have redeemed yourself with the item that you failed with in the
beginning. That is right.
I can do it, Riggs. (chuckles): Ho-ho-ho-ho.
In your face, sucker.
Yeah, buddy, you did it! You did exactly what you said
you were gonna do, and now he's dead.
And now we have to kill that shaman woman so that she doesn't
come back and reanimate him again.
Wait. I got a better idea first.
What is it? Let me just show you, man,
will you? We don't have to say everything,
man. Shit. ♪
You know you always have my blessin', partner.
That's my partner right there.
Yeah. And that's a callback.
From the beginning-- so it's come full circle.
We know. And then we brought you back
from the dead. Well, the shaman did it.
And then we killed her. Because we didn't want her to
bring back Lazarus. Okay. We get it.
Go ahead. Kiss her.
Kiss her, man.
Yeah. Come on, man.
(loud explosion) ♪
(gunshot) ♪
(cackling) (growls)
One last thing, in case I die.
(rhythmic grunting, gasping) (over video): Oh, my God! Oh!
(rhythmic grunting continues) S-So again, this is what we
were trying to avoid by coming to you in the first place.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com