I have an announcement to make.
I'm leaving High School U.S.A.
for an extended period of time for personal reasons.
No way, Mr. Structor! You can't go!
I wish I had a choice, gang,
but there are situations in life where you have
no choice.
But on the bright side,
I'm sure you'll have a substitute teacher who's great!
Mr. Structor? I'm Angie Temple.
The substitute teacher you asked for.
Enchante. (Kisses)
Ew. Watching these old people flirt is making me sick.
I know. I think I'm going to go throw up.
- (Retches) - No fair.
I wanna go throw up too.
- (Amber vomits) - Hey, you started without me.
Sorry, I couldn't help it.
(Vomits)
Wait, you're not throwing up on purpose?
- No. - Oh, this is serious.
It's fine, I'm used to it by now.
Used to it? How long has this been going on?
All week. Probably because of all the pickles and ice cream
I've been eating for breakfast.
- Ew. - I know, right?
I've been having the craziest cravings lately.
Probably connected to my period being late.
Oh my God, you're such a slut.
- Uh, what are you talking about? - You're totally pregnant.
That's impossible. Um, hi, I'm a virgin.
- Ow! - Yep, sore nipples. Just as I thought.
- Sorry, slut, you're preggers. - (Door opens)
♪ Well, I can't wait till I get old ♪
♪ and my memories start to unfold ♪
♪ about High School U.S.A. ♪
♪ These are the good old days ♪
♪ my obituary will relay ♪
♪ all my fun times here at High School U.S.A. ♪
High School USA 01x08 - Choices
"Dip the stick in the fresh urine
and then pray that you're not a single, teenage mom."
- (Crying) - Oh no.
Mom, I have something really important to tell you.
Me too. I just did my nails. Blue.
- What do you think? - I love it.
- I'm gonna do mine right now. - Perf.
Oh wait. There was something else I had to tell you, but I...
can't remember... what.
- If it's important, you'll remember. - Oh yeah,
- I'm pregnant. - Oh my God, you slut!
You didn't tell me you lost your virginity.
- So was the guy cute or what? - That's the weirdest part.
I don't even remember having sex.
Oh, don't worry, you'll get used to not remembering sex.
- Really? - Oh yeah, totally.
I can't believe we're gonna have a new best friend in the house!
I'm gonna go buy her a mini-purse right now.
But we don't even know if it's a girl.
Oh my God, you're right. It could be a boy.
Could you imagine a boy carrying a mini-purse?
So gay.
And I always wanted a gay best friend! This is so cool.
A glitter boy! I'm dying! I'm dying!
- Uh, but what if I don't want to keep it? - Pfft, no way.
You can't get rid of my new gay grandson.
But isn't this my decision?
Amber, ditching our third-generation bestie is not an option.
This is kinda one of those times you don't have a choice.
Oh yeah. We learned about situations like this
in Mr. Structor's class today.
Cool, mom. I'm keeping the baby.
You're so lucky you get to eat for two!
- I wish I was pregnant. - Hey, maybe if I tell my mom
that your mom is letting you have a baby,
she'll finally let me get a puppy.
I mean, they're just hairy babies.
Your mom's right, Amber. You have to keep it.
No way! Being pregnant is going to ruin her hips.
And you know how much I love pre-pregnant hips.
Don't ruin your pre-pregnant hips, Amber. You can't keep the baby!
Now I have to lose the baby? I thought I had to keep it.
If I don't have a choice, why do I have so many options?!
Amber, you're the one carrying this baby.
And that means you have the right to make a choice
about whether or not you actually have a choice or not.
You mean I have a choice about if I have a choice?
That's right! Or you might not.
It's all up to you! And if I'm not mistaken,
since we live in the liberal town of Townton,
you have exactly six months to decide.
- If I have a choice? - Yup!
Yay, it worked!
My mom's letting me get a puppy!
Hmm. Do I have a choice
or do I not have a choice?
(Puppy cries)
(Amber singing) ♪ Something in my gut ♪
♪ something I don't know ♪
♪ but this certain something ♪
♪ tends to grow and grow ♪
- ♪ and I do believe... ♪ - (Dog yipping)
♪ This certain something ♪
- ♪ is starting to show... - (Dog growls)
(Blackstein strains, yelps)
♪ What I'll do with this thing ♪
♪ that I don't know, I just do not know. ♪
- (Vicious barking) - Down, Dreadlox! Down!
Choices! You know,
I think I was wrong about the "no choice" thing.
For example, I thought I had to leave,
but then I chose to stay
and now I'm making another choice,
which is to pay Miss Temple out of my own pocket
to be a co-teacher with me.
Ugh. I'm gonna go have a smoke.
You got it, baby. There goes some choice choice.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Remember, people,
no matter how carved in stone a situation seems
you always have a choice!
You know what? I'm gonna make another choice right now:
Class dismissed!
(Bell rings) - (Snarling)
Man, I love Mr. Structor's classes.
They never seem to last more than 30 to 40 seconds.
That's the illusion of great teaching.
I'll say. He just taught us
that what he taught us last time was wrong.
Totally. It's so awesome that I learned that I do have a choice.
Now all you have to do is figure out which choice to make.
You're right. Why do choices have to have so many options?
- Now I'm more confused than ever. - Great job, Brainstein.
You made the pregnant girl even more confused!
- (Growling) - Hey!
Don't worry, that just means he's trying to bite you.
- (Shouting)
Isn't Dreadlox adorably out of control?
Hey. You want a smoke?
- No thanks. I'm pregnant. - You sure are.
How's that working out for you?
Ever since this whole baby thing happened to me,
I feel like I just need to talk to anunbiased woman
about what I should do.
Why don't you give me a try? I'm just a sub.
I certainly don't care what happens to you.
Oh really?! That's awesome!
- Lay it on me, preggo. - Well, I just learned from Mr. Structor
that I do have a choice about my baby.
Now all I have to do is figure out how to make a choice.
Well, the important thing is making the right choice.
- Cool. That makes sense. - And the right choice
- is to not have the baby. - Really?
Oh yeah.
You're way too young to have one before I do.
And first of all, the right man has to come around.
And trust me, he's definitely not out there.
Hey! Got some bad news.
There's been a little hiccup with your money.
I'm-I'm not going to be able to pay you this week.
- (Laughs) Then I'm out of here. - No no no! Wait, Miss Temple!
Damn it, Mr. Structor.
You fell in love with a substitute.
I might as well of fallen in love with a fruit fly,
those things live, like, a day.
I clearly made the wrong choice.
Wait. What? Now I learn you can make the wrong choice.
- Now what am I going to do? - (Barking)
And you can't fit into your old shoes anymore
because the weight from your pre-pregnant hips
- sinks down into your feet. - Okay, that goes under the choice column.
All right, gang, can anyone else think of any other reasons
- to keep or not keep this baby? - Nope, that's everything.
Now, Amber, all you have to do is tally these up
and you'll know what's the right choice.
Remember, your future is in this list.
- Here ya go. - Awesome!
I can't believe I'm finally going to have an answer to this problem.
(Kisses) I love you, list.
- (Snarls) - Oh no, my list!
- ALL: No! - Dreadlox, what are you doing?
Vomit, Dreadlox, vomit!
I'm sorry, guys, I haven't taught Dreadlox to vomit yet.
Guys, guys, this is crazy.
If Amber's not responsible enough to take care of a list,
then how could anyone expect her to make a decision
as important as what she should do with her baby?
Marsh is right. I have only one choice:
- to get rid of this choice. - ALL: Yeah!
We have exactly half an hour
before your second trimester is up.
We need to get you to that clinic.
- (Honking) - This traffic is horrible!
Look on the bright side, it's situations exactly like this
that I get the best gas mileage out of my hybrid car.
C'mon, Marsh! I'm running out of time!
Hmm. Okay.
- (Honking) - (Yelps)
(Siren wailing)
Jeez, Marsh, where's the fire?
It's in her belly and we've gotta put it out!
Why didn't you say so?
- Follow me, gang! - (Tires squeal)
- Wait wait wait wait! - (Door rattles)
Sorry, kids. Closing up early today.
You gotta do one more! You just gotta!
Can't you just come back in the morning?
I'm supposed to meet a buddy at the golf course for a quick nine.
- She can't wait. - Yeah, her second trimester ends in...
(Gasps) Eight minutes!
Eh, fine. (Grunts)
Hey, not so fast, guys. We got one more.
What? We're all packed up.
Oh, doctor, you're killing us here.
Hey, I'm supposed to be golfing!
- Fine. - ALL: Defend life!
- De-fund murder! - (Doctor laughs)
I haven't heard that one before. Catchy.
- Amber! Are you okay? - Yeah, she's fine,
but I'm not! Your friend really wasted my time.
- Wait, what are you talking about? - It turns out
- I was never pregnant. - Can you believe it?
I was just standing there with my... in my hand.
Well, Amber, I'm sure I speak for the whole gang
- when I say, "what?!" - Amber had what is called
a hysterical pregnancy. The body acts like it's pregnant
without all the hassle of actually making a real life.
Some people call it a "phantom pregnancy."
A g-g-g-ghost!
And I was going to close early to go golfing.
Would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids
- and that pesky dog! - (Barking)
See, guys, I knew I never had sex!
I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Amber.
Yeah, and to think we almost lost those pre-pregnant hips.
If this experience has taught us anything,
it's that none of us are ready to make important decisions.
I know. I wish I could go back in time
and make the decision to not to get a dog.
I'm just not responsible enough.
- (Whimpering) - I'm sorry, Dreadlox.
I have to let you go. Bye-bye.
- (Snarling) - Ahhh!
Hey, class, bad news.
I really do have to leave you guys this time,
but I have a feeling the new sub
should be even better than the last one.
Hello, Mr. Structor,
I'm the substitute teacher you asked for.
Oh hogwash! I ordered a blonde!
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