Hey, diary.
Okay, so as you know, things got kind of awkward
between Richard and I when he started dating Kendall.
But now it's really all good.
We're back to our professional, mature office relationship.
Okay, if you could just sign there for me.
And if you could sign, uh, just there, as well...
that would be one-fourth.
Something wrong?
Nothing. Um, just another little...
That's it. Just a...
He's just such a great friend... who I'd like to kiss.
♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ I'm having such a good time ♪ ♪ Good time ♪
♪ I'm having a ball ♪ ♪ Super fun night ♪
♪ Don't stop me now ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪
♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪
♪ Super fun night ♪ ♪ Super fun wild night ♪
Okay, I have a serious question to ask you.
Okay.
Would you rather have caterpillars for eyebrows
or fingers made out of mozzarella sticks?
Um, caterpillars, obviously.
Mm.
Because when they turn into butterflies,
I'll look smashing.
So, honey, you and Kimmie
seemed to be having fun in the break room today.
Oh, yes.
We were playing that game... "Would You Rather?"
For instance, would you rather
have barbecue sauce on your chin for two years
or a mullet for the rest of your life?
I would never put myself in the position
to do either of those things.
It's a game, Mr. Spock.
How interesting.
Uh, listen, Richard, I was thinking maybe it's time
that we tried to fix Kimmie up with a guy,
so she has someone of her own, you know,
like how I have you.
Yes.
Well, I'm not sure Kimmie would be up for that kind of thing,
but, um, well, who... who did you have in mind?
Oh, I-I don't know. Um...
Oh!
What about one of your soccer-team buddies?
Tony?
Oh, the handsome guy who built his own boat?
No. I don't think she's in Tony's league.
Oh.
Uh, I was thinking maybe more your friend...James?
I mean, he's lovely, but... How do I put this politely?...
He's a bit of a doofus.
Mm, yeah, you're right... he is kind of a doofus.
- He's a complete doofus. - He is. Look at him there.
God, they are perfect for each other.
He's... What?
- Him? - No.
- Him? - No, he's gay.
- This guy? - No, sorry.
That guy?
Nearly.
It's this guy, isn't it?
Yeah.
Yeah, James.
He's a real sweetheart.
I took one look at him, and I thought of you.
You never know... He could be the one.
Yeah, he definitely could be the one
who makes me feel not so bad about being alone.
Oh, come on, Kimmie. It's one date.
Just say you'll think about it.
Okay. Fine!
But I'm sick of people coming in here all day,
trying to set me up with guys!
- Gah! - Really?
No. I just wanted to say that once before I died.
So, they literally showed me this photo of five hot guys.
And guess which guy they set me up with... Mister...
Well, that doesn't mean anything.
You can't judge a guy from one pic.
Yeah, look at us.
I mean, we've taken some duds,
and we're the most photogenic people I know.
Maybe you're right.
Hey, it wasn't love at first sight
with these pant-a-lankets, and now...
You'd have to wrestle them off me.
- I'll get it! I'll get it! - Me! Me! Me!
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
What's up, bro-chachos?
Well, our apartment's getting fumigated.
They found a new kind of bug.
It's like a hybrid between a bedbug and a cockroach.
We could end up in a science textbook... No big deal.
What's your point, guys?
We need a place to stay tomorrow night.
- Sorry, boys. - No vacancy.
Make like spring break at Cabo and get a plan "B."
Marika, what are you doing?
Well, they're like stray cats.
If you feed them once, they're just gonna keep coming back.
They are our friends,
and friends help each other in times of need.
Wow. While you were saying that,
I think I became a better person.
- Aww. Come here. - Come here.
Besides, if we let them in,
I get to spend extra time with Benji.
Okay, fine. I'll go upstairs and get them.
Hey.
We don't have a plan "B."
Okay, guys.
I've thought about it, and I will meet your friend.
- Great! - But I have some conditions.
Okay, one... You're coming with me.
It's gonna be a double date in case it double sucks.
Kendall and I would be delighted to join you.
Wouldn't we, Kendall?
Can we ask me that later, when I'm on my cellphone,
so I can pretend to not hear you and hang up?
Okay, condition two...
We're going to someplace fun, like a hovercraft ranch.
- Yes! - Or a water park
where they have dolphins that serve Italian food.
- Yes! - Fffhhtt! Fffhhtt! Fffhhtt!
Ffffhhhtt! Bon appétit.
Oh, I know!
We should go to Funcadia Arcade.
It's amazing. They've got skee-ball, air hockey.
They've got animatronic bears
that sing rollicking songs from the public domain.
Do they serve cyanide, or should I bring my own?
Let's put it to a vote.
- Aye. - Aye. Aye.
Ooh.
Fun carries the day, Kendall.
- Yes! - Whoo!
Hey! Oh.
Hey. Thank you so much.
You won't even know we're here.
No problem, Benji.
Dan, did you really need to bring that?
I debated it, but I knew if I left it,
I was gonna want it.
- Oh. Hey, hey, hey! - Whoa.
Did you just pick up a filthy habit?
'Cause you are smoking.
To what grand ball is our Cinderella headed this eve?
Oh, nowhere.
Just Funcadia Arcade.
The Promised Land!
Well, it's a setup, so it's probably gonna be really lame.
Hey, keep an open mind.
My parents met at an orgy, and they're total soul mates.
Well, not everyone can have that fairy tale.
- I know. - Okay.
Stay positive.
I'll be back in like half an hour.
I'm sure.
- See ya! - Bye! Have fun!
I don't know what it is about these places,
but I just get all goosey when I come into them.
I mean, it's just fun everywhere.
Oh, Kimmie! Kimmie! Kimmie!
Oh, hey.
- Hey, Kimmie. - Hey.
Do I look all right?
You look amazing, Kimmie.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, well, the sequins distract
from the fact that these pants don't quite zip up.
So, where's this guy who you think is perfect for me?
Oh. Uh, J-James? James.
Um, he's over there.
- James. - Oh.
Ooh, athletic.
- Hey! - There he is.
Oh! I'm James.
Oh, hey. I'm needing to go to the bathroom.
- She's got a weak bladder. - Oh! Me too.
Oh, yeah. You have.
So, a little bit about me...
I just moved here from San Fran,
Fog City, uh, Paris of the West.
Um, I like to travel. I like exploring new cultures.
Something you might not know about me... I love movies.
I don't know if that relates to anybody else, but...
But, uh, I do... I love movies.
Um, what about you, Kimmie?
Um, what are you... What are you into?
Oh, I just really like to be alone.
Kimmie is from Tonawanda, New York,
the large kitchen parts capital of America.
Hey, well, there you go.
You know, um, we have a big stove at my mom's house.
You do? What a coincidence!
- Yeah! I know! - Isn't it? Amazing.
Oh. This is good. You know, I-I-I just...
- I already feel like we're connecting. - I do, too, yeah.
Yeah, I was just gonna say the opposite of that.
Well, I mean, opposites attract, right?
Do they?
Hey, I just like this repartee we got going,
'cause it's just we're getting in this discussion.
It's back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.
Yeah, it's actually kind of making me a bit seasick.
That's a great metaphor.
Do you boat?
And, thus, the female tarantula...
The show's almost over, right?
'Cause, uh, tonight's the season finale of "Property Snobs."
America's next top commercial real-estate agent
is gonna be crowned tonight!
- Go, Harvey Smurmner! - Smurmner!
Ooh, that sounds great,
but it's "Slug Week" on the Discovery Channel.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's...
...time...for...slime!
- Um, you're a lawyer, right? - Yeah.
Oh, what's your favorite lawyer movie?
You know what mine is? "A Few Good Men."
- So good. - It's good.
Do you remember the scene, um, Kimmie, when...
when Tom Cruise goes... and he's like,
"Did you order the code red?"
And the judge is all like,
"Hey, you don't have to answer that."
But then Jack Nicholson's like, "You want answers?"
But then Tom's like, "No! I want the truth!"
And then Jack's like, "You can't handle the truth!"
That's not really a realistic lawyer movie.
If you want authentic, you should watch "Liar Liar."
Really?
No.
- Ah. - No.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you crazy kids go and try some games?
- Mama's got you some tokens. - Oh!
Oh! That is awesome!
Okay, Kimmie, Kimmie, there is this...
There's this car-driving game here, and it is like...
It's just like you're driving a car.
- Whoa! - Ah! Ah!
I-I-I can't even explain it!
I got to show it to you. Come on.
No, it's fun.
Oh, this is the one.
All right, um...
Ooh! Let me get this for you, ma'am.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Just close it for you.
Oh! Oh, oh.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to close it. - I'm joking.
- You got me. - Yeah.
All right.
So, be honest...
Were you excited about this blind date or not?
Well, it wasn't totally blind.
I had seen a picture.
Ohh. Was I making this face?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?
God, you know, that's my picture face.
I do it every time someone points a camera at me.
Uh, this is my picture face.
I-I actually like that picture face.
It's kind of like I'm trying to keep my eyes open,
but I also have a wallet in my mouth, like...
Oh, okay. Hold on. I'm gonna... Yeah, hold... like...
- I like it. - That's it. You got it.
I got it. I got it.
Oh. You know, usually, when I get set up,
it is almost always with someone who is kind of weird.
Yeah.
And I start to wonder, you know,
"Is this how my friends see me? Or what is going on?"
Yeah. I know what you mean.
But, um, I-I got to tell you...
I think they got it right this time.
Well, I'm sorry I'm gonna beat you.
Oh, well, let's see. Okay.
- Ah! Ah! Oh! - That's... That's cheating.
- What are you looking at? - Oh, this thing is, um, taking my money.
Oh, my God. Look at those two.
- Huh? Oh. Oh, them. - Wow.
This might be a love connection, after all.
Do you think so?
Totally. Look at their body language.
- They're like two mutts in heat. - Really?
Okay, good. Come on. Let's get out of here.
No, no, um, I think we should stay
because it's rude if we leave, so, um...
Oh, I tell you what...
Why don't we play a game of whac-a-mole?
- What's whac-a-mole? - Whac-a-mole...
It's exactly as the name suggests.
Five moles pop out of holes,
and then you brain them with a mallet!
Why?
Because it's fun, Kendall... That's why.
Um, do you want me to get you a plate?
No, don't worry about me.
I ain't fancy.
Aah! Uh, Helen-Alice.
A lamp just fell on the floor and broke.
I don't think it was me.
Do you possibly have a ghost?
- We got to check this out. - She has a ghost.
They have ghosts. They've got ghosts.
I can't stand this.
I feel like I'm camping again in a yurt with all my brothers.
We can't just kick them out.
In my culture, refusing a guest brings dishonor to the family.
That's just how we roll in St. Louis.
But if they decided to leave on their own,
that wouldn't be our fault.
Marika, what's going on?
You're giving off that weird bacony smell
you get when you're plotting something.
Just play dumb, H.A.
I've got a plan.
Uh-oh.
Let's start off with, uh... We'll do a picture face.
Picture faces. All right?
Um, sexy face.
Oh-oh! I got one!
"You're riding on a roller coaster" face.
Aah! Aah!
Ohhh!
Ohh!
- "Fun first date" face. - Love it. Love it.
- Okay. Ready? - Here we go.
Okay, he's do... Oh, we missed one!
- Okay, ready? Ready? - Ready...and go!
All right, yeah, yeah!
Did a mole kill your family?
Hey, how's it going?
Oh, great.
Just, uh, learning some new things about Kendall.
She's a mole mass murderer.
Oh, I'm just better at the game than you are, honey.
Never knew the English had such slow reflexes.
It's no wonder the sun set on your empire.
So, guys, what's next?
I'm only 20 tickets away from a giant banana.
Oh, oh! You know what we should do?
Um, Air Hockey Deathmatch... Two-on-two, us versus you guys.
- Yeah! - Haaa!
- Whoo! - Done.
- Okay. - Yeah?
Ooh, um, there's a table free there. I'll get it before that girl gang does.
- Okay. - Careful.
Oh, man, I got to hand it to you, Richard...
Oh, Kimmie's amazing.
Yeah. Yeah, she is.
No, I mean, she's smart and she's fun
and she's pretty.
I'm serious. I think this might really work out.
- Yeah? - Aww, that's amazing.
Well, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself if I were you.
You all right?
Yeah. I'm just saying, you know,
let's all... whoo... calm down a bit.
Right. The table's free.
Let Operation Boy-Be-Gone begin.
Ohh!
I hope these guys like Danish folk metal.
Is this Jens Rasmussen Nordvig?!
Yeah! Probably a little too hardcore for you guys, right?!
Not at all! We love it!
I can't believe you guys are Nord-heads, too!
Kobenhagen ub-lufter... am I right?
- Aah! - Ooh!
Yeah!
Where's the defense, Kendall?
Oh, come on, Richard. It's just a game.
Focus.
Oh, got it.
And goal!
And the crowd goes wild!
What's that they're chanting?
They want two servings of the funky chicken?
With a little dippin' sauce.
Dip, dip, dip.
Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, d-dip, d-dip, dip, dip, dip.
I know you think what you're doing is hilarious, okay?
But it's actually quite childish.
And I'd appreciate it... if we're gonna play a game,
then we should just at least have some manners
and some decorum.
Don't... I'm... I'm just saying. I'm...
What was that about?
Well, I-I just felt
that you were being a bit unsportsmanlike, that's all,
especially James.
I don't... I don't like gloating.
Richard, come on. We were just playing air hockey.
Puck you.
Ah, yeah, I know. Sorry. It's...
Okay, what's going on?
I don't know.
I think, if I'm honest, I just feel like
it should be you and I having all the fun and not...
Look, never mind. Uh...
I think I'm being a bit ridiculous.
No, I don't think you're being ridiculous.
Don't play this. I think it's rigged.
- Is everything o... - Yes, it's fine.
Emotions run high at Funcadia.
Our fridge is full,
so I guess we're going to have to keep
all of this extremely fragrant cheese out here.
Hope you guys don't mind the smell.
No, not at all.
We have an air freshener that smells like cave-aged Gruyère.
And just a heads-up...
The high-pitched whining you're about to hear
is from my sleep apnea machine.
It's gonna be a little grating at first,
but, uh, it does keep me alive.
Also, full disclosure...
because of some digestive issues that I'd rather not go into right now,
I do tend to light it up in the bathroom.
So if you see the red tie on the door knob,
that means don't go in there without a buddy.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
I don't care if this makes me a bad host...
you guys are driving me crazy!
She's right. You're gross, so scram.
Come on, guys. Let's go back to our place.
Your place? What about the fumes?
Oh, no. The fumes were gone by like 3:00.
We just thought it would be disrespectful to the bugs.
They just died!
But I guess their feelings don't matter,
and neither do ours.
So, um, maybe we should do this again
Now that we co-parent this banana.
Yeah, um, you know, Kimmie, I would really like to,
but, um...
I think your heart might be with someone else.
Ahh, man.
I-I just... I had told myself
that if you didn't immediately tell me I was wrong,
then I would know it was true.
Well, it's just things are a little complicated right now.
But...
I-I really like you.
I really...
And... and maybe those things could change.
Yeah, cool.
Um...
Well, you know, if they do, uh, you know where to find me.
Oh, no, I-I don't.
- How do... I don't. - Oh! Oh, shoot!
You know, I used to have a business card,
but I gave it away.
Um...Hey!
I know where you live now,
so I will just stop by every few days and check.
- Don't do that. - I won't.
Yeah. That was a joke. That was a joke.
I didn't mean to sound stalkery.
- Yeah. Um... - Well, um...
Banana baby mama, take care of him.
Oh. Thanks.
You're sure you don't want to do a banana split?
- I do, but, yeah, no. - Okay. Okay.
Oh, hey, uh, Kimmie?
This is my goodbye face.
This is my "I had fun" face.
I really like that face.
See ya.
Bye.
Call me crazy,
but I need more than three hours of sleep at night.
- Could we come in? - No.
Oh, come on in.
So, we talked about it, and we had a change of heart.
Don't get us wrong... We did a lot of things right last night,
but we also made some mistakes.
So, to make up for it, we brought you breakfast.
- Oh, thank you. - Oh.
Wait. This is just two pieces of bread
and a handful of nondairy creamer.
Yes, but while you enjoy that, we would like to perform
Jens Rasmussen Nordvig's entire first album a cappella
for you for free!
You're welcome!
Wait, wait.
I like having male friends,
but sometimes, I don't see the point.
Yeah, it's like I always say...
You put too many sausages in the pot,
the water's never gonna boil.
Hey, Richard, can I ask you a question?
Who do you have more fun with... Me or Kimmie?
What? What are you talking about?
You know exactly what I'm talking about, Richard.
Whenever you two are together,
you're always laughing and giggling
like you're reading a Dilbert calendar.
Stop exaggerating. We're just friends.
And nothing's funnier than Dilbert,
- especially that one... - Richard, it's a simple question...
Who do you have more fun with... Me or Kimmie?
It's ridiculous.
It's like comparing apples to apple pie.
Why can't you just answer the question?
Kimmie.
If you must force the issue,
then I have more fun with K-Kimmie.
Fine.
You have all the fun in the world.
You can whack your own mole tonight.
Oh, Kendall, uh...
Hi, there.
This is nice, isn't it?
No, don't hit me!
Whack me.
Too slow!
Hey, I see you there.
Whac-a-mole!
Hit her, not me!
Ow!
Hello.
Are you sure you know how to use that?
Not in the eye!
Try harder next time.
Dip, dip, dip, dip, d-dip, d-dip, dip, dip!
I'm a mole. Whack me.
You can't handle the truth!
Aaah!
Aaaah!
Don't whack me.
Better luck next time.
Game over!
Sync and corrected by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com