1
00:00:03,608 --> 00:00:04,641
Morning.
2
00:00:04,643 --> 00:00:05,575
Morning.
3
00:00:05,577 --> 00:00:08,178
Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.
4
00:00:08,180 --> 00:00:10,780
That's the only man
I put in my mouth.
5
00:00:10,782 --> 00:00:14,017
It puts my relationship
with Orville Redenbacher
6
00:00:14,019 --> 00:00:15,852
in a whole different light.
7
00:00:17,722 --> 00:00:20,240
I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy.
8
00:00:20,242 --> 00:00:22,943
We're making food jokes here.
9
00:00:22,945 --> 00:00:24,811
The U.P.S. guy's not food.
10
00:00:24,813 --> 00:00:27,197
He is if you cover him
with whipped cream.
11
00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:30,417
What can I say?
12
00:00:30,419 --> 00:00:33,787
There's just something
about a man in brown shorts.
13
00:00:33,789 --> 00:00:35,154
Okay, I'm in big trouble.
14
00:00:35,156 --> 00:00:37,874
Speaking of a man
with brown shorts.
15
00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:40,176
What's wrong?
16
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:41,211
Well, I just got a call
17
00:00:41,213 --> 00:00:42,178
from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.
18
00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:43,162
And he wants to see me.
19
00:00:43,164 --> 00:00:44,798
Well, he wants
to see Jeff Strongman.
20
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,549
Who's Jeff Strongman?
21
00:00:46,551 --> 00:00:48,334
Oh, Jeff Strongman
22
00:00:48,336 --> 00:00:50,470
is Alan's alter ego he uses
23
00:00:50,472 --> 00:00:52,889
to meet Larry and fight crime.
24
00:00:55,009 --> 00:00:58,011
Wait, so, you use a fake name
to sneak around with other men?
25
00:00:59,847 --> 00:01:02,449
Where do you guys meet?
A Lady Gaga concert?
26
00:01:02,451 --> 00:01:06,119
It was a spin class
if you must know.
27
00:01:06,121 --> 00:01:07,537
Now, what am I gonna do?
28
00:01:07,539 --> 00:01:09,406
I told you something
like this was gonna happen.
29
00:01:09,408 --> 00:01:12,292
(mocking): "I told you something like this
was gonna happen."
30
00:01:12,294 --> 00:01:14,911
Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't
tell me why he wanted to see me
31
00:01:14,913 --> 00:01:16,046
and he sounded pretty upset.
32
00:01:16,048 --> 00:01:17,831
Well, what kind of world
are we living in
33
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:20,033
where a guy is upset
with another guy
34
00:01:20,035 --> 00:01:22,368
for banging his girlfriend?
35
00:01:23,304 --> 00:01:24,838
See, that's why
I love being gay.
36
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,257
A guy finds out
I'm doing his girlfriend,
37
00:01:27,259 --> 00:01:28,725
I don't get an angry phone call.
38
00:01:28,727 --> 00:01:32,395
I get a dozen roses
and a copy of the video.
39
00:01:33,964 --> 00:01:36,599
Too bad I can't convince
Larry I'm gay.
40
00:01:36,601 --> 00:01:39,202
Come on, Zippy, you're making it
too easy for us.
41
00:01:44,992 --> 00:01:47,894
Oh, hey!
42
00:01:47,896 --> 00:01:48,895
There he is.
43
00:01:48,897 --> 00:01:51,064
My main man with a winter tan.
44
00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:52,949
Jeff.
45
00:01:52,951 --> 00:01:55,168
Uh, I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else?
46
00:01:55,170 --> 00:01:56,753
Uh, one-one of these muffins?
They're bran.
47
00:01:56,755 --> 00:01:58,071
Keeps your trains
running on time.
48
00:01:58,073 --> 00:01:59,839
Poop-poop!
49
00:01:59,841 --> 00:02:01,391
I'm not hungry.
50
00:02:01,393 --> 00:02:03,543
All right then, I'll just
sit across from you.
51
00:02:03,545 --> 00:02:05,378
Right here...
52
00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:07,630
in front
of all these witnesses.
53
00:02:07,632 --> 00:02:09,349
You know my girlfriend Lyndsey?
54
00:02:09,351 --> 00:02:10,383
Is it Lyndsey?
55
00:02:10,385 --> 00:02:11,634
I thought it was Linda.
56
00:02:11,636 --> 00:02:13,603
Glad you cleared that up
before I saw her again...
57
00:02:13,605 --> 00:02:15,805
which I haven't,
and why would I?
58
00:02:15,807 --> 00:02:16,940
She's been cheating on me.
59
00:02:16,942 --> 00:02:20,026
(hacking)
60
00:02:20,028 --> 00:02:21,694
Mmm, sorry.
61
00:02:21,696 --> 00:02:23,763
Just a little...
(clears throat)
62
00:02:23,765 --> 00:02:25,782
Why do you think
she's cheating on you?
63
00:02:25,784 --> 00:02:27,534
I hired a private investigator
to follow her.
64
00:02:27,536 --> 00:02:30,036
(hacking)
65
00:02:30,038 --> 00:02:32,906
Uh, do you mind?
66
00:02:32,908 --> 00:02:34,958
She's been meeting him
at a house in Malibu.
67
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,746
Sorry, sorry,
I'm just a little shocked.
68
00:02:39,748 --> 00:02:41,280
Imagine how I feel.
69
00:02:41,282 --> 00:02:43,383
Well, I-I can't,
uh, uh, but I do know
70
00:02:43,385 --> 00:02:46,285
that in situations like this,
it's the woman who's to blame.
71
00:02:46,287 --> 00:02:48,838
She's not the only one.
72
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,141
Please, I have a son!
73
00:02:51,143 --> 00:02:53,126
This is the guy.
74
00:02:54,428 --> 00:02:56,346
Wait, this is the guy?
75
00:02:56,348 --> 00:02:58,297
Yeah.
76
00:02:58,299 --> 00:03:00,183
This is guy you think
banging your girlfriend?
77
00:03:00,185 --> 00:03:01,184
I know he is.
78
00:03:01,186 --> 00:03:02,468
And only him?
79
00:03:02,470 --> 00:03:03,520
Nobody else?
80
00:03:03,522 --> 00:03:04,821
Isn't this bad enough?
81
00:03:04,823 --> 00:03:08,024
Well, sure.
82
00:03:08,026 --> 00:03:10,944
But, you know, there could
also be another explanation.
83
00:03:10,946 --> 00:03:12,612
I mean, maybe she's just lost
84
00:03:12,614 --> 00:03:14,197
and she's asking
this guy for directions.
85
00:03:14,199 --> 00:03:17,534
Right, "Excuse me, sir,
can you help me find my G-spot?"
86
00:03:18,419 --> 00:03:20,319
It's not just this photo.
87
00:03:20,321 --> 00:03:22,038
It's the late night errands.
88
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,339
Hiding her phone.
89
00:03:23,341 --> 00:03:24,958
Plus, we haven't had sex
in forever!
90
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,659
Wow, that's rough.
91
00:03:26,661 --> 00:03:29,328
I guess this guy, whoever he is,
92
00:03:29,330 --> 00:03:32,849
satisfies her every need.
93
00:03:32,851 --> 00:03:34,100
I want to kill him.
94
00:03:34,102 --> 00:03:36,002
I hate being
lied to like this.
95
00:03:36,004 --> 00:03:37,336
I get it, you know.
96
00:03:37,338 --> 00:03:40,273
Sometimes you think you know
a person, but you don't.
97
00:03:40,275 --> 00:03:42,275
Panini for Strongman.
98
00:03:45,146 --> 00:03:46,396
Jeff, that's you.
99
00:03:46,398 --> 00:03:47,564
What?
100
00:03:47,566 --> 00:03:49,265
Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.
101
00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,502
Jeff Strongman.
102
00:03:52,504 --> 00:03:55,121
Someone who's not banging
anyone's girlfriend.
103
00:03:55,123 --> 00:03:57,957
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
104
00:03:57,959 --> 00:04:01,010
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
105
00:04:01,035 --> 00:04:05,035
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x08 ♪
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
Original Air Date on November 21, 2013
106
00:04:05,060 --> 00:04:10,060
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
107
00:04:18,005 --> 00:04:21,340
Oh, no, there's a stranger
in my house.
108
00:04:21,342 --> 00:04:24,577
And it's possibly
a gay porn star from the '70s.
109
00:04:24,579 --> 00:04:27,046
It's me, Alan.
110
00:04:27,048 --> 00:04:28,664
I-I believe you're
supposed to say,
111
00:04:28,666 --> 00:04:30,833
(Italian accent):
"It's-a me, a-Mario!"
112
00:04:33,587 --> 00:04:36,822
So, I take it things
didn't go great with Larry?
113
00:04:36,824 --> 00:04:38,841
Well, he does know
that Lyndsey's cheating on him,
114
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,960
but the good news is he doesn't
know that it's with me.
115
00:04:40,962 --> 00:04:42,812
So, why do you look
116
00:04:42,814 --> 00:04:45,715
like one of the Village People
in street clothes?
117
00:04:45,717 --> 00:04:47,800
Ah, well, uh, he hired
a, uh, a private detective,
118
00:04:47,802 --> 00:04:50,102
uh, to watch
the house because, uh,
119
00:04:50,104 --> 00:04:51,854
and here's where it gets
really funny,
120
00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:53,256
um, uh,
121
00:04:53,258 --> 00:04:56,659
he thinks that Lyndsey is
cheating on him with...
122
00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:58,144
No.
123
00:04:59,145 --> 00:05:01,530
No, no, no.
124
00:05:01,532 --> 00:05:03,783
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
125
00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:05,918
It's crazy, right?
126
00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:08,921
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
127
00:05:08,923 --> 00:05:11,874
Fear, cowardice.
128
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,292
Lack of a dental plan.
129
00:05:13,294 --> 00:05:16,545
Uh, besides, he-he
just lost Lyndsey,
130
00:05:16,547 --> 00:05:17,930
I didn't want him to
lose his best friend.
131
00:05:17,932 --> 00:05:19,498
Okay, well, you're gonna lose
your best friend
132
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:20,766
if you don't fix this!
133
00:05:20,768 --> 00:05:22,718
Oh, I'm your best friend?
134
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,053
Alan, I am serious.
135
00:05:24,055 --> 00:05:26,389
I do not want a private
detective watching this house.
136
00:05:26,391 --> 00:05:28,357
And I...
and I definitely don't want
137
00:05:28,359 --> 00:05:30,443
an angry boyfriend after me.
138
00:05:30,445 --> 00:05:31,444
Well, you should've
thought of that
139
00:05:31,446 --> 00:05:34,030
before you slept with Lyndsey.
140
00:05:34,032 --> 00:05:36,198
I've got some work to do.
141
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,984
And I'm gonna go out
and run some errands.
142
00:05:37,986 --> 00:05:40,519
And when I get back,
this better be cleaned up.
143
00:05:40,521 --> 00:05:41,904
Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.
144
00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:43,773
Oh, oh, but just in case.
145
00:05:47,878 --> 00:05:49,295
Oh, God!
146
00:05:49,297 --> 00:05:51,714
Is there any look
you can't pull off?
147
00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:54,467
(Italian accent):
I'm-a gonna kill you.
148
00:05:58,538 --> 00:05:59,805
Hey!
149
00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:00,723
Hi-ya!
150
00:06:00,725 --> 00:06:02,091
Oh!
151
00:06:03,126 --> 00:06:04,560
What the hell?
152
00:06:04,562 --> 00:06:06,862
Alan, what are you doing?
153
00:06:06,864 --> 00:06:10,483
At the moment,
looking for my left ball.
154
00:06:10,485 --> 00:06:12,318
Larry just dropped me off.
155
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:13,819
He could've seen you.
156
00:06:13,821 --> 00:06:15,037
That's why I'm here.
Larry thinks you're
157
00:06:15,039 --> 00:06:16,655
having an affair with Walden.
158
00:06:16,657 --> 00:06:18,491
What? Why would he think that?
159
00:06:18,493 --> 00:06:19,608
Well, because he he hired a P.I.
160
00:06:19,610 --> 00:06:21,610
who t a picture of the two
of you together.
161
00:06:21,612 --> 00:06:24,830
And by the way, it looked
like it was a cold day.
162
00:06:24,832 --> 00:06:26,449
You're an idiot.
163
00:06:26,451 --> 00:06:27,416
I know.
164
00:06:27,418 --> 00:06:28,751
So, what-what are we gonna do?
165
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:31,987
Okay, look, I've done this
plenty of times before.
166
00:06:31,989 --> 00:06:34,490
The first thing you do
is deny everything.
167
00:06:34,492 --> 00:06:35,591
Right, denial. Wait.
168
00:06:35,593 --> 00:06:36,959
You've done this
plenty of times before?
169
00:06:37,627 --> 00:06:38,627
Did you ever cheat on me?
170
00:06:38,629 --> 00:06:40,629
Never.
171
00:06:40,631 --> 00:06:42,247
Okay, good.
172
00:06:42,249 --> 00:06:43,516
(phone chirps)
Oh!
173
00:06:43,518 --> 00:06:45,267
Oh, it's Larry.
174
00:06:45,269 --> 00:06:46,102
What does he want?
175
00:06:46,104 --> 00:06:47,186
Uh, well, let's see.
176
00:06:47,188 --> 00:06:48,971
Uh, "Just dropped off
the cheating whor...
177
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:50,389
Lyndsey."
178
00:06:51,641 --> 00:06:52,475
"Want to grab a drink?"
179
00:06:52,477 --> 00:06:53,526
Okay, you go play
180
00:06:53,528 --> 00:06:55,227
the sympathetic friend,
calm him down.
181
00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:56,445
I'll figure sothing out.
182
00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:57,863
Sounds good, uh...
183
00:06:57,865 --> 00:06:59,431
"No problem, bro."
184
00:06:59,433 --> 00:07:00,566
Uh...
185
00:07:00,568 --> 00:07:03,102
Cocktail glass emoji.
186
00:07:03,104 --> 00:07:05,571
Stall him as long as you can.
187
00:07:05,573 --> 00:07:06,539
Right.
188
00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:07,573
I'm sorry I kicked you
189
00:07:07,575 --> 00:07:09,241
in the balls--
is there anything I can do?
190
00:07:09,243 --> 00:07:11,944
You could kiss it
and make it better.
191
00:07:11,946 --> 00:07:13,145
Good-bye, Alan.
192
00:07:13,147 --> 00:07:14,830
Oh, come on!
193
00:07:14,832 --> 00:07:17,083
It's not like I
could do it myself.
194
00:07:18,635 --> 00:07:22,505
God knows I've tried.
195
00:07:22,507 --> 00:07:25,424
(tires screeching)
196
00:07:25,426 --> 00:07:27,593
Get in the car!
Rose?
197
00:07:27,595 --> 00:07:28,677
What are you doing?
198
00:07:28,679 --> 00:07:30,129
Someone's following you.
199
00:07:30,131 --> 00:07:32,214
Yeah, you!
200
00:07:32,216 --> 00:07:35,300
There's no time for this,
you're in danger.
201
00:07:35,302 --> 00:07:37,336
Yeah, from you!
202
00:07:37,338 --> 00:07:38,771
Just get in.
203
00:07:38,773 --> 00:07:39,989
Why would I get in your car?
204
00:07:39,991 --> 00:07:41,023
I mean, the last time
205
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,741
I tried to trust you...
206
00:07:42,743 --> 00:07:44,193
What? What are you looking at?
207
00:07:44,195 --> 00:07:46,979
You got a little spot
on your shirt.
208
00:07:46,981 --> 00:07:48,447
Oh.
209
00:07:48,449 --> 00:07:49,448
(screams)
210
00:07:49,450 --> 00:07:51,700
Drive! Drive! Drive!
211
00:07:51,702 --> 00:07:54,670
Drive! Drive!
212
00:07:54,672 --> 00:07:56,505
I found out more
about this guy.
213
00:07:56,507 --> 00:07:58,824
His name is
Walden Schmidt.
214
00:07:58,826 --> 00:08:00,659
More like lying sack of Schmidt.
215
00:08:00,661 --> 00:08:03,179
(chuckles)
Am I right?
216
00:08:03,181 --> 00:08:06,298
Turns out he's some kind
of stupid Internet billionaire.
217
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,466
Don't you hate
when guys don't work
218
00:08:07,468 --> 00:08:08,601
for a living like you and me?
219
00:08:08,603 --> 00:08:11,353
Amen, Jeff Strongman.
220
00:08:11,355 --> 00:08:12,838
Hey, come on, you know,
221
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,056
this isn't the worst thing
in the world.
222
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:15,340
You're gonna bounce back.
223
00:08:15,342 --> 00:08:17,276
I guess, I mean,
I should've seen it coming.
224
00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:19,812
I mean, she cheated
on her last boyfriend with me.
225
00:08:19,814 --> 00:08:22,398
Her-her last boyfriend?
226
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,516
Yeah, I guess the guy
was a real loser.
227
00:08:24,518 --> 00:08:26,952
A pathetic freeloader.
228
00:08:26,954 --> 00:08:29,655
Well, that's just conjecture.
229
00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:32,074
I mean, you know, maybe
he's a-a really great guy
230
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:35,494
and she's just
a crazy lying bitch.
231
00:08:35,496 --> 00:08:36,579
I'm not gonna take it lying down
232
00:08:36,581 --> 00:08:38,330
like the pansy
she was dating before me.
233
00:08:38,332 --> 00:08:41,867
Is "pansy" your word or hers?
234
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:42,685
Hers.
235
00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:43,669
I'm going to the head.
236
00:08:43,671 --> 00:08:44,753
You get the check
237
00:08:44,755 --> 00:08:46,472
and we'll go pay
this bastard a visit.
238
00:08:46,474 --> 00:08:48,007
Take your time.
239
00:08:48,009 --> 00:08:49,208
No rush.
240
00:08:52,395 --> 00:08:55,214
Oh, come on, Lyndsey,
pick up, pick up, pick up!
241
00:08:55,216 --> 00:08:58,234
(groans)
Of course, voice mail.
242
00:08:58,236 --> 00:09:00,486
Lyndsey, things have gone
from bad to worse.
243
00:09:00,488 --> 00:09:02,688
Larry is gonna confront Walden,
and I don't know what to do.
244
00:09:02,690 --> 00:09:03,856
Call me back.
245
00:09:03,858 --> 00:09:05,057
Oh, and PS-- you and I have
246
00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:07,326
a little issue
to discuss ourselves.
247
00:09:07,328 --> 00:09:10,229
Oh, and PPS--
the "P" stands for "pansy."
248
00:09:10,231 --> 00:09:12,064
Mm-hmm.
249
00:09:12,066 --> 00:09:13,832
Whew.
250
00:09:13,834 --> 00:09:15,334
Looks like we lost him.
251
00:09:15,336 --> 00:09:17,836
What the hell is going on?
252
00:09:17,838 --> 00:09:21,073
Well, I'm pretty sure
Larry hired a hit man.
253
00:09:21,075 --> 00:09:22,625
How do you know about Larry?
254
00:09:22,627 --> 00:09:24,210
Because he's stalking you.
255
00:09:24,212 --> 00:09:25,878
How do you know that?
256
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:28,180
Because I'm stalking you.
257
00:09:28,182 --> 00:09:29,882
Okay, okay, you know,
this is ridiculous.
258
00:09:29,884 --> 00:09:31,100
I'm calling the police.
259
00:09:31,102 --> 00:09:33,052
And tell them what?
260
00:09:33,054 --> 00:09:35,187
We have no proof
of anything.
261
00:09:35,189 --> 00:09:36,722
And besides, how helpful
were the police
262
00:09:36,724 --> 00:09:37,973
when you called them on me?
263
00:09:37,975 --> 00:09:40,592
Uh, I got them to issue
a restraining order.
264
00:09:40,594 --> 00:09:42,728
Hi.
265
00:09:44,264 --> 00:09:45,597
Okay, I...
266
00:09:45,599 --> 00:09:47,233
Uh-oh, he's back.
267
00:09:47,235 --> 00:09:50,486
I don't know how he
keeps finding us.
268
00:09:50,488 --> 00:09:52,154
I'll tell you how.
269
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,073
The GPS on my cell phone.
270
00:09:54,075 --> 00:09:55,491
Give me that.
271
00:09:57,327 --> 00:10:01,130
I was gonna turn it off,
but okay.
272
00:10:01,132 --> 00:10:02,281
Hang on.
273
00:10:02,283 --> 00:10:03,465
What? Why?
274
00:10:03,467 --> 00:10:06,585
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(squealing)
275
00:10:06,587 --> 00:10:08,504
Whoa!
276
00:10:08,506 --> 00:10:09,722
(sighs)
277
00:10:09,724 --> 00:10:10,673
That ought to do it.
278
00:10:10,675 --> 00:10:13,759
Okay, you know...
this is nonsense!
279
00:10:13,761 --> 00:10:15,177
(stammers)
Take me home.
280
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:17,646
Okay, homeward bound.
281
00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:18,847
And gagged.
282
00:10:18,849 --> 00:10:20,232
And tortured for days.
283
00:10:20,234 --> 00:10:23,468
Okay, well, fine,
then take me to a hotel.
284
00:10:23,470 --> 00:10:25,020
Beverly Hills Hotel okay?
285
00:10:25,022 --> 00:10:25,988
It's perfect.
286
00:10:25,990 --> 00:10:27,523
And bang, you're dead.
287
00:10:27,525 --> 00:10:29,608
You need to get
off the grid.
288
00:10:29,610 --> 00:10:31,160
Someplace they
don't expect you.
289
00:10:31,162 --> 00:10:33,478
A place they can't track
your credit cards.
290
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,115
Nobody is acking
my credit cards.
291
00:10:36,117 --> 00:10:39,451
Oh, that wasn't you last night
getting a coffee colonic?
292
00:10:40,287 --> 00:10:44,123
I will not apologize
for a healthy colon.
293
00:10:48,878 --> 00:10:50,929
Okay, here we go.
294
00:10:50,931 --> 00:10:52,698
This place looks perfect.
295
00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:54,717
This place is a dump.
296
00:10:54,719 --> 00:10:57,803
Exactly, and it's the last place
anyone would look for you.
297
00:10:57,805 --> 00:10:59,338
Yeah, but it's the first place
298
00:10:59,340 --> 00:11:01,557
that hepatitis
would look for me.
299
00:11:01,559 --> 00:11:03,675
Okay, this is only temporary.
300
00:11:03,677 --> 00:11:06,028
You lay low,
and I will straighten this out.
301
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:08,197
Why in God's name
would I trust you?
302
00:11:08,199 --> 00:11:10,015
Look, Walden, I know
that I've caused you
303
00:11:10,017 --> 00:11:11,984
some tiny problems
in the past, but...
304
00:11:11,986 --> 00:11:13,235
Wha...? Tiny?
305
00:11:13,237 --> 00:11:14,536
You pretended to be pregnant
306
00:11:14,538 --> 00:11:16,038
to scare my girlfriend away.
307
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,992
You sicced rabid ferrets on me!
308
00:11:19,994 --> 00:11:23,195
You tied me to my bed
and tried to violate me
309
00:11:23,197 --> 00:11:25,331
with a leaf blower!
310
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:29,885
It's so sweet you
remember everything.
311
00:11:29,887 --> 00:11:32,137
But I can make up
for all of that now.
312
00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:35,674
Look, when your sink is clogged,
you call a plumber.
313
00:11:35,676 --> 00:11:38,177
When your car breaks down,
you call a mechanic.
314
00:11:38,179 --> 00:11:40,346
When you have a dangerous
psychopath after you,
315
00:11:40,348 --> 00:11:42,398
you call me.
316
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,766
All right, fine.
317
00:11:43,768 --> 00:11:45,351
I am gonna kill Alan.
318
00:11:45,353 --> 00:11:48,387
Oh, if you survive tonight,
you should hire Larry's guy.
319
00:11:48,389 --> 00:11:49,554
He's good.
320
00:11:49,556 --> 00:11:52,358
♪ Men. ♪
321
00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:01,382
♪ Men. ♪
322
00:12:01,384 --> 00:12:03,568
Here you go.
323
00:12:06,339 --> 00:12:09,107
This is, uh, this is
the best room you got?
324
00:12:09,109 --> 00:12:11,076
It's the presidential suite.
325
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:13,612
The president of what?
326
00:12:13,614 --> 00:12:15,580
Crap-o-slovakia?
327
00:12:15,582 --> 00:12:17,499
I could offer you
the honeymoon suite.
328
00:12:17,501 --> 00:12:20,785
You know, if you don't mind
the smell of love.
329
00:12:22,071 --> 00:12:24,256
No, no... this is, uh...
330
00:12:24,258 --> 00:12:25,507
this is fine.
331
00:12:25,509 --> 00:12:27,175
Uh...
332
00:12:27,177 --> 00:12:29,761
Do you, uh, do you
have room service?
333
00:12:32,348 --> 00:12:34,549
I might have something
you might want to eat.
334
00:12:36,435 --> 00:12:38,603
I don't think you do.
335
00:12:41,257 --> 00:12:45,143
Listen, uh, if-if anyone
comes here asking about me,
336
00:12:45,145 --> 00:12:46,645
I-I'm not here.
337
00:12:46,647 --> 00:12:47,896
Don't worry.
338
00:12:47,898 --> 00:12:50,098
No one will ever find you.
339
00:12:56,405 --> 00:12:59,324
Hey, uh, if you get
lonely later on,
340
00:12:59,326 --> 00:13:01,293
I'm in the apartment
behind the building.
341
00:13:01,295 --> 00:13:03,545
Yeah, okay.
342
00:13:03,547 --> 00:13:05,947
It's nothing fancy,
but I've got some good weed
343
00:13:05,949 --> 00:13:09,417
and... a spa tub.
344
00:13:09,419 --> 00:13:12,637
I'll, uh, keep that in mind.
345
00:13:12,639 --> 00:13:14,556
There's a live feed
on channel 14
346
00:13:14,558 --> 00:13:16,224
if you want to check it out.
347
00:13:21,130 --> 00:13:22,397
(door closes)
348
00:13:22,399 --> 00:13:25,517
Great, now I got
to hide from him, too.
349
00:13:28,771 --> 00:13:32,190
This Walden guy is gonna regret
the day he stole my girlfriend.
350
00:13:32,192 --> 00:13:34,475
Oh, it's-it's not stealing.
It-It's more like borrowing.
351
00:13:34,477 --> 00:13:36,311
Like-like renting a car.
352
00:13:36,313 --> 00:13:37,946
Yeah, but when you rent a car
you know there's been
353
00:13:37,948 --> 00:13:40,481
other guys inside it,
turning the knobs,
354
00:13:40,483 --> 00:13:41,750
playing with the seat,
355
00:13:41,752 --> 00:13:43,451
shoving stuff in the trunk.
356
00:13:43,453 --> 00:13:45,670
Okay, okay, maybe that's
a bad analogy.
357
00:13:45,672 --> 00:13:47,339
But that doesn't change
the fact that going over there
358
00:13:47,341 --> 00:13:49,541
to confront him is not
gonna help anything.
359
00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:50,842
You got a better idea?
360
00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:51,843
Uh, I-I do.
361
00:13:51,845 --> 00:13:53,545
How about you forget
about Lyndsey
362
00:13:53,547 --> 00:13:55,847
and we go out to a bar
and pick up some women.
363
00:13:55,849 --> 00:13:57,999
You know, Larry and Jeff
out on the prowl.
364
00:13:58,001 --> 00:13:59,667
(growls)
365
00:13:59,669 --> 00:14:01,720
Jeff, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.
366
00:14:01,722 --> 00:14:03,171
But I'm afraid
if I don't do this,
367
00:14:03,173 --> 00:14:05,690
I won't be able
to live with myself.
368
00:14:06,776 --> 00:14:08,360
And I'm afraid if you do this,
369
00:14:08,362 --> 00:14:11,062
I'll have to live by myself.
370
00:14:12,398 --> 00:14:14,599
(indistinct chatter on TV)
371
00:14:16,836 --> 00:14:19,537
Oh, no! Channel 14!
372
00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:29,714
Oh, God!
373
00:14:29,716 --> 00:14:31,249
(knocking)
374
00:14:32,034 --> 00:14:34,085
Who is it?
375
00:14:34,087 --> 00:14:36,755
(deep voice): It's Larry, I'm here
to kill you, Walden.
376
00:14:36,757 --> 00:14:39,140
Mr. Walden, he die.
377
00:14:39,142 --> 00:14:41,559
I clean room.
378
00:14:41,561 --> 00:14:43,378
ROSE:
No, silly rabbit, it's just me.
379
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:45,146
Wha...? Rose?
380
00:14:45,148 --> 00:14:47,548
Is that...?
381
00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:49,100
Are you alone?
382
00:14:49,102 --> 00:14:53,121
Yeah, but a nice man did just
invite me into his spa tub.
383
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,409
Here, I brought some food.
384
00:14:57,411 --> 00:14:58,660
Yeah, I can't eat.
385
00:14:58,662 --> 00:14:59,727
Why not?
386
00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:01,079
Well, because if I do,
387
00:15:01,081 --> 00:15:02,914
eventually
I'll have to go in there.
388
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,618
And I'm not going in there.
389
00:15:06,620 --> 00:15:08,753
Uh, so, did you find
anything out?
390
00:15:08,755 --> 00:15:11,172
Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.
391
00:15:11,174 --> 00:15:13,208
God, Alan was supposed
to take care of this.
392
00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:15,010
Well, yeah, he also told you
he was only gonna live
393
00:15:15,012 --> 00:15:18,913
at your house a few days, and
here we are at day 800 and...
394
00:15:18,915 --> 00:15:20,748
43.
395
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,684
Oh, I almost forgot.
396
00:15:22,686 --> 00:15:24,552
I t usgoome candy bars.
397
00:15:24,554 --> 00:15:26,771
Mounds for you,
'cause it's your favorite.
398
00:15:26,773 --> 00:15:27,806
Aw.
399
00:15:27,808 --> 00:15:28,857
Almond Joy for me
400
00:15:28,859 --> 00:15:31,359
'cause, you know... nuts.
401
00:15:33,279 --> 00:15:35,980
Hey, why are you being
so nice to me?
402
00:15:35,982 --> 00:15:39,150
You know,
I'll admit that you hurt me.
403
00:15:39,152 --> 00:15:42,603
And I did some things
that I'm not proud of.
404
00:15:43,656 --> 00:15:45,290
But just because
you took a restraining order
405
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,242
out against me...
406
00:15:47,244 --> 00:15:51,162
doesn't mean that I can
restrain my feelings for you.
407
00:15:51,164 --> 00:15:53,214
That is the sweetest,
408
00:15:53,216 --> 00:15:55,717
most terrifying thing
409
00:15:55,719 --> 00:15:57,635
I've ever heard.
410
00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:01,723
Are you really
scared of me?
411
00:16:01,725 --> 00:16:05,293
You're not even the scariest
person I've met in this room.
412
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,398
And the truth is,
I'm-I'm not blameless.
413
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,100
I mean, I chose
another girl over you,
414
00:16:12,102 --> 00:16:16,071
and look who's here
with me now?
415
00:16:16,638 --> 00:16:19,491
I never really left you.
416
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:23,278
Literally.
417
00:16:26,198 --> 00:16:29,200
File this under things
I'm gonna regret.
418
00:16:33,456 --> 00:16:36,657
Damn it, should've
brought my leaf blower.
419
00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:45,600
Oh, uh,
the doorbell doesn't work.
420
00:16:45,602 --> 00:16:47,469
What?
421
00:16:47,471 --> 00:16:49,504
I mean, uh,
that-that does not work
422
00:16:49,506 --> 00:16:52,673
if you want to send a message
that there's a man here.
423
00:16:53,642 --> 00:16:54,976
♪ Ding-dong.
424
00:16:54,978 --> 00:16:56,478
"I'm gonna kick your tushie."
425
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,863
You're right.
Yeah.
426
00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:00,315
Oh.
427
00:17:00,317 --> 00:17:02,350
Okay, now, listen,
now-now, this could get crazy.
428
00:17:02,352 --> 00:17:04,202
I mean, there's gonna be
a lot of name calling--
429
00:17:04,204 --> 00:17:06,354
uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot,
uh, Alan.
430
00:17:06,356 --> 00:17:07,789
Uh...
431
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:10,575
Larry?
Lyndsey?
432
00:17:10,577 --> 00:17:13,995
I know exactly what's going on
between you and Walden Schmidt.
433
00:17:13,997 --> 00:17:15,747
Now, where is he?
434
00:17:15,749 --> 00:17:18,500
Wow! This house
is amazing.
435
00:17:21,587 --> 00:17:23,888
Larry, this isn't
what you think.
436
00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:25,373
It's exactly what I think.
437
00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:26,591
I have pictures.
438
00:17:26,593 --> 00:17:28,209
We're standing in his house!
439
00:17:28,211 --> 00:17:30,512
Okay, it-it's time for me
to tell you the truth.
440
00:17:30,514 --> 00:17:33,264
Don't believe her!
She's a cheating, drunk whore!
441
00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:37,318
Larry, listen to me.
442
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,354
I'm not here to sleep
with Walden Schmidt.
443
00:17:39,356 --> 00:17:41,055
I'm here to sleep
with someone else.
444
00:17:41,057 --> 00:17:42,607
What?!
What?!
445
00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:44,609
Remember you told me
446
00:17:44,611 --> 00:17:46,828
your fantasy was
to see me with another woman?
447
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:49,063
Yeah?
Yeah?
448
00:17:50,065 --> 00:17:52,000
I've arranged for your dream
to come true.
449
00:17:52,002 --> 00:17:53,334
You did?!
You did?!
450
00:17:53,336 --> 00:17:56,087
Yes, that's why I rented
this beautiful beach house
451
00:17:56,089 --> 00:17:58,739
from Walden Schmidt
as a birthday surprise.
452
00:17:58,741 --> 00:18:01,242
I also got us something else.
453
00:18:01,244 --> 00:18:04,295
So, which one is watching us?
454
00:18:04,297 --> 00:18:07,098
If it's him, I'm gonna
have to charge extra.
455
00:18:09,385 --> 00:18:11,052
Wait a minute.
Is this for real?
456
00:18:11,054 --> 00:18:13,087
Happy birthday, baby.
457
00:18:13,089 --> 00:18:15,056
Wow. Wow.
458
00:18:15,058 --> 00:18:16,641
(laughs)
A threesome.
459
00:18:16,643 --> 00:18:18,193
That is quite
a gift.
460
00:18:18,195 --> 00:18:20,195
Well, it was last minute,
461
00:18:20,197 --> 00:18:22,564
and I had to think of something.
462
00:18:22,566 --> 00:18:25,984
A nice cardigan wouldn't
have done the trick?
463
00:18:25,986 --> 00:18:27,235
God, I feel so stupid.
464
00:18:27,237 --> 00:18:28,953
I even hired someone
to follow you.
465
00:18:28,955 --> 00:18:30,705
Well, why don't you
call them off,
466
00:18:30,707 --> 00:18:32,073
and we'll all go sit down
467
00:18:32,075 --> 00:18:34,459
and talk about the things
you want to see?
468
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:36,878
Bye, Jeff.
469
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:37,996
Yeah, bye, Jeff.
470
00:18:37,998 --> 00:18:40,215
I'll send you a
copy of the video.
471
00:18:41,383 --> 00:18:42,567
Wait. Thi-Thi...
Wait. This is
472
00:18:42,569 --> 00:18:43,718
really... happening?
473
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,587
I mean, you-you-you
and-and-and her?
474
00:18:45,589 --> 00:18:47,639
And-and... and him?
475
00:18:47,641 --> 00:18:49,757
And-and-and here?
476
00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:51,959
While... while I...?
477
00:18:51,961 --> 00:18:54,295
Son of a bitch!
478
00:18:54,297 --> 00:18:55,647
(mutters)
479
00:18:55,649 --> 00:18:56,864
This is crazy.
480
00:18:56,866 --> 00:18:58,066
You know, I'll...
I'll bet
481
00:18:58,068 --> 00:19:00,018
if Lyndsey had been sleeping
with somebody else,
482
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:03,404
he'd be really, really mad.
483
00:19:03,406 --> 00:19:05,156
I know.
Isn't this great, Jeff?
484
00:19:05,158 --> 00:19:07,775
She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore.
485
00:19:08,944 --> 00:19:10,645
Hi. It's Larry Martin.
486
00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:13,481
Oh, hey.
487
00:19:13,483 --> 00:19:15,750
Listen, I'm not going to be
needing your services anymore,
488
00:19:15,752 --> 00:19:17,085
but I appreciate all your help.
489
00:19:17,087 --> 00:19:18,620
No problem.
490
00:19:18,622 --> 00:19:19,837
It was my pleasure.
491
00:19:19,839 --> 00:19:21,956
Good-bye.
492
00:19:23,092 --> 00:19:25,326
That was Alan.
493
00:19:25,328 --> 00:19:26,461
What did he say?
494
00:19:26,463 --> 00:19:30,765
Well, he, uh, thanked me
for protecting you.
495
00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:32,467
But there's still no sign
of Larry.
496
00:19:32,469 --> 00:19:34,802
And as long as he's out there,
you're not safe.
497
00:19:34,804 --> 00:19:36,671
I'm gonna go get us
some supplies.
498
00:19:36,673 --> 00:19:38,056
No, don't go!
499
00:19:38,058 --> 00:19:39,557
We're having a good time.
500
00:19:39,559 --> 00:19:42,009
You're just a sticky
little honey bun, aren't you?
501
00:19:42,011 --> 00:19:44,345
Now, don't try
to get in touch with anyone,
502
00:19:44,347 --> 00:19:46,197
or Larry will kill you.
503
00:19:47,066 --> 00:19:49,284
Kisses.
504
00:19:49,286 --> 00:19:51,452
(sighs)
505
00:19:53,572 --> 00:19:55,990
I got to go to the bathroom.
506
00:19:58,794 --> 00:20:01,028
Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.
507
00:20:04,917 --> 00:20:06,918
(thunder rumbling)
508
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,886
(heavy footsteps)
509
00:20:11,390 --> 00:20:13,157
Rose?
510
00:20:13,159 --> 00:20:15,460
(loud jangling of keys)
511
00:20:15,462 --> 00:20:16,894
All right, come on, Rose.
512
00:20:16,896 --> 00:20:19,147
This... this...
It's not funny.
513
00:20:19,149 --> 00:20:21,516
(thunder crackling)
514
00:20:23,402 --> 00:20:25,570
Larry?!
515
00:20:26,655 --> 00:20:29,490
Listen, we can... we can...
we can work this out!
516
00:20:29,492 --> 00:20:31,609
It's-it's just
a little misunderstanding.
517
00:20:31,611 --> 00:20:32,994
(door rattling)
518
00:20:32,996 --> 00:20:34,612
Oh, God! I...
519
00:20:34,614 --> 00:20:36,831
(door rattling loudly)
520
00:20:42,904 --> 00:20:44,839
Well, that was rude.
521
00:20:44,841 --> 00:20:46,958
Looks like I took a shower
for nothing.
522
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,711
♪ Men. ♪
523
00:21:00,045 --> 00:21:03,981
♪ Come out, come out,
wherever you are! ♪
524
00:21:08,020 --> 00:21:09,904
I hate you, Jeff Strongman.
525
00:21:09,906 --> 00:21:14,906
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man