1
00:00:03,408 --> 00:00:04,441
Morning.
2
00:00:04,443 --> 00:00:05,375
Morning.
3
00:00:05,377 --> 00:00:07,978
Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.
4
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:10,580
That's the only man
I put in my mouth.
5
00:00:10,582 --> 00:00:13,817
It puts my relationship
with Orville Redenbacher
6
00:00:13,819 --> 00:00:15,652
in a whole different light.
7
00:00:17,522 --> 00:00:20,040
I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy.
8
00:00:20,042 --> 00:00:22,743
We're making food jokes here.
9
00:00:22,745 --> 00:00:24,611
The U.P.S. guy's not food.
10
00:00:24,613 --> 00:00:26,997
He is if you cover him
with whipped cream.
11
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:30,217
What can I say?
12
00:00:30,219 --> 00:00:33,587
There's just something
about a man in brown shorts.
13
00:00:33,589 --> 00:00:34,954
Okay, I'm in big trouble.
14
00:00:34,956 --> 00:00:37,674
Speaking of a man
with brown shorts.
15
00:00:38,843 --> 00:00:39,976
What's wrong?
16
00:00:39,978 --> 00:00:41,011
Well, I just got a call
17
00:00:41,013 --> 00:00:41,978
from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.
18
00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:42,962
And he wants to see me.
19
00:00:42,964 --> 00:00:44,598
Well, he wants
to see Jeff Strongman.
20
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:46,349
Who's Jeff Strongman?
21
00:00:46,351 --> 00:00:48,134
Oh, Jeff Strongman
22
00:00:48,136 --> 00:00:50,270
is Alan's alter ego he uses
23
00:00:50,272 --> 00:00:52,689
to meet Larry and fight crime.
24
00:00:54,809 --> 00:00:57,811
Wait, so, you use a fake name
to sneak around with other men?
25
00:00:59,647 --> 00:01:02,249
Where do you guys meet?
A Lady Gaga concert?
26
00:01:02,251 --> 00:01:05,919
It was a spin class
if you must know.
27
00:01:05,921 --> 00:01:07,337
Now, what am I gonna do?
28
00:01:07,339 --> 00:01:09,206
I told you something
like this was gonna happen.
29
00:01:09,208 --> 00:01:12,092
(mocking): "I told you something like this
was gonna happen."
30
00:01:12,094 --> 00:01:14,711
Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't
tell me why he wanted to see me
31
00:01:14,713 --> 00:01:15,846
and he sounded pretty upset.
32
00:01:15,848 --> 00:01:17,631
Well, what kind of world
are we living in
33
00:01:17,633 --> 00:01:19,833
where a guy is upset
with another guy
34
00:01:19,835 --> 00:01:22,168
for banging his girlfriend?
35
00:01:23,104 --> 00:01:24,638
See, that's why
I love being gay.
36
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,057
A guy finds out
I'm doing his girlfriend,
37
00:01:27,059 --> 00:01:28,525
I don't get an angry phone call.
38
00:01:28,527 --> 00:01:32,195
I get a dozen roses
and a copy of the video.
39
00:01:33,764 --> 00:01:36,399
Too bad I can't convince
Larry I'm gay.
40
00:01:36,401 --> 00:01:39,002
Come on, Zippy, you're making it
too easy for us.
41
00:01:44,792 --> 00:01:47,694
Oh, hey!
42
00:01:47,696 --> 00:01:48,695
There he is.
43
00:01:48,697 --> 00:01:50,864
My main man with a winter tan.
44
00:01:50,866 --> 00:01:52,749
Jeff.
45
00:01:52,751 --> 00:01:54,968
Uh, I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else?
46
00:01:54,970 --> 00:01:56,553
Uh, one-one of these muffins?
They're bran.
47
00:01:56,555 --> 00:01:57,871
Keeps your trains
running on time.
48
00:01:57,873 --> 00:01:59,639
Poop-poop!
49
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,191
I'm not hungry.
50
00:02:01,193 --> 00:02:03,343
All right then, I'll just
sit across from you.
51
00:02:03,345 --> 00:02:05,178
Right here...
52
00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:07,430
in front
of all these witnesses.
53
00:02:07,432 --> 00:02:09,149
You know my girlfriend Lyndsey?
54
00:02:09,151 --> 00:02:10,183
Is it Lyndsey?
55
00:02:10,185 --> 00:02:11,434
I thought it was Linda.
56
00:02:11,436 --> 00:02:13,403
Glad you cleared that up
before I saw her again...
57
00:02:13,405 --> 00:02:15,605
which I haven't,
and why would I?
58
00:02:15,607 --> 00:02:16,740
She's been cheating on me.
59
00:02:16,742 --> 00:02:19,826
(hacking)
60
00:02:19,828 --> 00:02:21,494
Mmm, sorry.
61
00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:23,563
Just a little...
(clears throat)
62
00:02:23,565 --> 00:02:25,582
Why do you think
she's cheating on you?
63
00:02:25,584 --> 00:02:27,334
I hired a private investigator
to follow her.
64
00:02:27,336 --> 00:02:29,836
(hacking)
65
00:02:29,838 --> 00:02:32,706
Uh, do you mind?
66
00:02:32,708 --> 00:02:34,758
She's been meeting him
at a house in Malibu.
67
00:02:37,261 --> 00:02:39,546
Sorry, sorry,
I'm just a little shocked.
68
00:02:39,548 --> 00:02:41,080
Imagine how I feel.
69
00:02:41,082 --> 00:02:43,183
Well, I-I can't,
uh, uh, but I do know
70
00:02:43,185 --> 00:02:46,085
that in situations like this,
it's the woman who's to blame.
71
00:02:46,087 --> 00:02:48,638
She's not the only one.
72
00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,941
Please, I have a son!
73
00:02:50,943 --> 00:02:52,926
This is the guy.
74
00:02:54,228 --> 00:02:56,146
Wait, this is the guy?
75
00:02:56,148 --> 00:02:58,097
Yeah.
76
00:02:58,099 --> 00:02:59,983
This is guy you think
banging your girlfriend?
77
00:02:59,985 --> 00:03:00,984
I know he is.
78
00:03:00,986 --> 00:03:02,268
And only him?
79
00:03:02,270 --> 00:03:03,320
Nobody else?
80
00:03:03,322 --> 00:03:04,621
Isn't this bad enough?
81
00:03:04,623 --> 00:03:07,824
Well, sure.
82
00:03:07,826 --> 00:03:10,744
But, you know, there could
also be another explanation.
83
00:03:10,746 --> 00:03:12,412
I mean, maybe she's just lost
84
00:03:12,414 --> 00:03:13,997
and she's asking
this guy for directions.
85
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:17,334
Right, "Excuse me, sir,
can you help me find my G-spot?"
86
00:03:18,219 --> 00:03:20,119
It's not just this photo.
87
00:03:20,121 --> 00:03:21,838
It's the late night errands.
88
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,139
Hiding her phone.
89
00:03:23,141 --> 00:03:24,758
Plus, we haven't had sex
in forever!
90
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,459
Wow, that's rough.
91
00:03:26,461 --> 00:03:29,128
I guess this guy, whoever he is,
92
00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:32,649
satisfies her every need.
93
00:03:32,651 --> 00:03:33,900
I want to kill him.
94
00:03:33,902 --> 00:03:35,802
I hate being
lied to like this.
95
00:03:35,804 --> 00:03:37,136
I get it, you know.
96
00:03:37,138 --> 00:03:40,073
Sometimes you think you know
a person, but you don't.
97
00:03:40,075 --> 00:03:42,075
Panini for Strongman.
98
00:03:44,946 --> 00:03:46,196
Jeff, that's you.
99
00:03:46,198 --> 00:03:47,364
What?
100
00:03:47,366 --> 00:03:49,065
Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.
101
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:52,302
Jeff Strongman.
102
00:03:52,304 --> 00:03:54,921
Someone who's not banging
anyone's girlfriend.
103
00:03:54,923 --> 00:03:57,757
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
104
00:03:57,759 --> 00:04:00,810
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
105
00:04:00,835 --> 00:04:04,835
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x08 ♪
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
Original Air Date on November 21, 2013
106
00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:09,860
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*
107
00:04:14,305 --> 00:04:17,640
Oh, no, there's a stranger
in my house.
108
00:04:17,642 --> 00:04:20,877
And it's possibly
a gay porn star from the '70s.
109
00:04:20,879 --> 00:04:23,346
It's me, Alan.
110
00:04:23,348 --> 00:04:24,964
I-I believe you're
supposed to say,
111
00:04:24,966 --> 00:04:27,133
(Italian accent):
"It's-a me, a-Mario!"
112
00:04:29,887 --> 00:04:33,122
So, I take it things
didn't go great with Larry?
113
00:04:33,124 --> 00:04:35,141
Well, he does know
that Lyndsey's cheating on him,
114
00:04:35,143 --> 00:04:37,260
but the good news is he doesn't
know that it's with me.
115
00:04:37,262 --> 00:04:39,112
So, why do you look
116
00:04:39,114 --> 00:04:42,015
like one of the Village People
in street clothes?
117
00:04:42,017 --> 00:04:44,100
Ah, well, uh, he hired
a, uh, a private detective,
118
00:04:44,102 --> 00:04:46,402
uh, to watch
the house because, uh,
119
00:04:46,404 --> 00:04:48,154
and here's where it gets
really funny,
120
00:04:48,156 --> 00:04:49,556
um, uh,
121
00:04:49,558 --> 00:04:52,959
he thinks that Lyndsey is
cheating on him with...
122
00:04:52,961 --> 00:04:54,444
No.
123
00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:57,830
No, no, no.
124
00:04:57,832 --> 00:05:00,083
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
125
00:05:00,085 --> 00:05:02,218
It's crazy, right?
126
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,221
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
127
00:05:05,223 --> 00:05:08,174
Fear, cowardice.
128
00:05:08,176 --> 00:05:09,592
Lack of a dental plan.
129
00:05:09,594 --> 00:05:12,845
Uh, besides, he-he
just lost Lyndsey,
130
00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:14,230
I didn't want him to
lose his best friend.
131
00:05:14,232 --> 00:05:15,798
Okay, well, you're gonna lose
your best friend
132
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,066
if you don't fix this!
133
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:19,018
Oh, I'm your best friend?
134
00:05:19,020 --> 00:05:20,353
Alan, I am serious.
135
00:05:20,355 --> 00:05:22,689
I do not want a private
detective watching this house.
136
00:05:22,691 --> 00:05:24,657
And I...
and I definitely don't want
137
00:05:24,659 --> 00:05:26,743
an angry boyfriend after me.
138
00:05:26,745 --> 00:05:27,744
Well, you should've
thought of that
139
00:05:27,746 --> 00:05:30,330
before you slept with Lyndsey.
140
00:05:30,332 --> 00:05:32,498
I've got some work to do.
141
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,284
And I'm gonna go out
and run some errands.
142
00:05:34,286 --> 00:05:36,819
And when I get back,
this better be cleaned up.
143
00:05:36,821 --> 00:05:38,204
Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.
144
00:05:38,206 --> 00:05:40,073
Oh, oh, but just in case.
145
00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,595
Oh, God!
146
00:05:45,597 --> 00:05:48,014
Is there any look
you can't pull off?
147
00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:50,767
(Italian accent):
I'm-a gonna kill you.
148
00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:56,105
Hey!
149
00:05:56,107 --> 00:05:57,023
Hi-ya!
150
00:05:57,025 --> 00:05:58,391
Oh!
151
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:00,860
What the hell?
152
00:06:00,862 --> 00:06:03,162
Alan, what are you doing?
153
00:06:03,164 --> 00:06:06,783
At the moment,
looking for my left ball.
154
00:06:06,785 --> 00:06:08,618
Larry just dropped me off.
155
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:10,119
He could've seen you.
156
00:06:10,121 --> 00:06:11,337
That's why I'm here.
Larry thinks you're
157
00:06:11,339 --> 00:06:12,955
having an affair with Walden.
158
00:06:12,957 --> 00:06:14,791
What? Why would he think that?
159
00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:15,908
Well, because he he hired a P.I.
160
00:06:15,910 --> 00:06:17,910
who t a picture of the two
of you together.
161
00:06:17,912 --> 00:06:21,130
And by the way, it looked
like it was a cold day.
162
00:06:21,132 --> 00:06:22,749
You're an idiot.
163
00:06:22,751 --> 00:06:23,716
I know.
164
00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,051
So, what-what are we gonna do?
165
00:06:25,053 --> 00:06:28,287
Okay, look, I've done this
plenty of times before.
166
00:06:28,289 --> 00:06:30,790
The first thing you do
is deny everything.
167
00:06:30,792 --> 00:06:31,891
Right, denial. Wait.
168
00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:33,259
You've done this
plenty of times before?
169
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:34,927
Did you ever cheat on me?
170
00:06:34,929 --> 00:06:36,929
Never.
171
00:06:36,931 --> 00:06:38,547
Okay, good.
172
00:06:38,549 --> 00:06:39,816
(phone chirps)
Oh!
173
00:06:39,818 --> 00:06:41,567
Oh, it's Larry.
174
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,402
What does he want?
175
00:06:42,404 --> 00:06:43,486
Uh, well, let's see.
176
00:06:43,488 --> 00:06:45,271
Uh, "Just dropped off
the cheating whor...
177
00:06:45,273 --> 00:06:46,689
Lyndsey."
178
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:48,775
"Want to grab a drink?"
179
00:06:48,777 --> 00:06:49,826
Okay, you go play
180
00:06:49,828 --> 00:06:51,527
the sympathetic friend,
calm him down.
181
00:06:51,529 --> 00:06:52,745
I'll figure sothing out.
182
00:06:52,747 --> 00:06:54,163
Sounds good, uh...
183
00:06:54,165 --> 00:06:55,731
"No problem, bro."
184
00:06:55,733 --> 00:06:56,866
Uh...
185
00:06:56,868 --> 00:06:59,402
Cocktail glass emoji.
186
00:06:59,404 --> 00:07:01,871
Stall him as long as you can.
187
00:07:01,873 --> 00:07:02,839
Right.
188
00:07:02,841 --> 00:07:03,873
I'm sorry I kicked you
189
00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:05,541
in the balls--
is there anything I can do?
190
00:07:05,543 --> 00:07:08,244
You could kiss it
and make it better.
191
00:07:08,246 --> 00:07:09,445
Good-bye, Alan.
192
00:07:09,447 --> 00:07:11,130
Oh, come on!
193
00:07:11,132 --> 00:07:13,383
It's not like I
could do it myself.
194
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,805
God knows I've tried.
195
00:07:18,807 --> 00:07:21,724
(tires screeching)
196
00:07:21,726 --> 00:07:23,893
Get in the car!
Rose?
197
00:07:23,895 --> 00:07:24,977
What are you doing?
198
00:07:24,979 --> 00:07:26,429
Someone's following you.
199
00:07:26,431 --> 00:07:28,514
Yeah, you!
200
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,600
There's no time for this,
you're in danger.
201
00:07:31,602 --> 00:07:33,636
Yeah, from you!
202
00:07:33,638 --> 00:07:35,071
Just get in.
203
00:07:35,073 --> 00:07:36,289
Why would I get in your car?
204
00:07:36,291 --> 00:07:37,323
I mean, the last time
205
00:07:37,325 --> 00:07:39,041
I tried to trust you...
206
00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:40,493
What? What are you looking at?
207
00:07:40,495 --> 00:07:43,279
You got a little spot
on your shirt.
208
00:07:43,281 --> 00:07:44,747
Oh.
209
00:07:44,749 --> 00:07:45,748
(screams)
210
00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:48,000
Drive! Drive! Drive!
211
00:07:48,002 --> 00:07:50,970
Drive! Drive!
212
00:07:50,972 --> 00:07:52,805
I found out more
about this guy.
213
00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:55,124
His name is
Walden Schmidt.
214
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,959
More like lying sack of Schmidt.
215
00:07:56,961 --> 00:07:59,479
(chuckles)
Am I right?
216
00:07:59,481 --> 00:08:02,598
Turns out he's some kind
of stupid Internet billionaire.
217
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,766
Don't you hate
when guys don't work
218
00:08:03,768 --> 00:08:04,901
for a living like you and me?
219
00:08:04,903 --> 00:08:07,653
Amen, Jeff Strongman.
220
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,138
Hey, come on, you know,
221
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,356
this isn't the worst thing
in the world.
222
00:08:10,358 --> 00:08:11,640
You're gonna bounce back.
223
00:08:11,642 --> 00:08:13,576
I guess, I mean,
I should've seen it coming.
224
00:08:13,578 --> 00:08:16,112
I mean, she cheated
on her last boyfriend with me.
225
00:08:16,114 --> 00:08:18,698
Her-her last boyfriend?
226
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,816
Yeah, I guess the guy
was a real loser.
227
00:08:20,818 --> 00:08:23,252
A pathetic freeloader.
228
00:08:23,254 --> 00:08:25,955
Well, that's just conjecture.
229
00:08:25,957 --> 00:08:28,374
I mean, you know, maybe
he's a-a really great guy
230
00:08:28,376 --> 00:08:31,794
and she's just
a crazy lying bitch.
231
00:08:31,796 --> 00:08:32,879
I'm not gonna take it lying down
232
00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:34,630
like the pansy
she was dating before me.
233
00:08:34,632 --> 00:08:38,167
Is "pansy" your word or hers?
234
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:38,985
Hers.
235
00:08:38,987 --> 00:08:39,969
I'm going to the head.
236
00:08:39,971 --> 00:08:41,053
You get the check
237
00:08:41,055 --> 00:08:42,772
and we'll go pay
this bastard a visit.
238
00:08:42,774 --> 00:08:44,307
Take your time.
239
00:08:44,309 --> 00:08:45,508
No rush.
240
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:51,514
Oh, come on, Lyndsey,
pick up, pick up, pick up!
241
00:08:51,516 --> 00:08:54,534
(groans)
Of course, voice mail.
242
00:08:54,536 --> 00:08:56,786
Lyndsey, things have gone
from bad to worse.
243
00:08:56,788 --> 00:08:58,988
Larry is gonna confront Walden,
and I don't know what to do.
244
00:08:58,990 --> 00:09:00,156
Call me back.
245
00:09:00,158 --> 00:09:01,357
Oh, and PS-- you and I have
246
00:09:01,359 --> 00:09:03,626
a little issue
to discuss ourselves.
247
00:09:03,628 --> 00:09:06,529
Oh, and PPS--
the "P" stands for "pansy."
248
00:09:06,531 --> 00:09:08,364
Mm-hmm.
249
00:09:08,366 --> 00:09:10,132
Whew.
250
00:09:10,134 --> 00:09:11,634
Looks like we lost him.
251
00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:14,136
What the hell is going on?
252
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,373
Well, I'm pretty sure
Larry hired a hit man.
253
00:09:17,375 --> 00:09:18,925
How do you know about Larry?
254
00:09:18,927 --> 00:09:20,510
Because he's stalking you.
255
00:09:20,512 --> 00:09:22,178
How do you know that?
256
00:09:22,180 --> 00:09:24,480
Because I'm stalking you.
257
00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:26,182
Okay, okay, you know,
this is ridiculous.
258
00:09:26,184 --> 00:09:27,400
I'm calling the police.
259
00:09:27,402 --> 00:09:29,352
And tell them what?
260
00:09:29,354 --> 00:09:31,487
We have no proof
of anything.
261
00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:33,022
And besides, how helpful
were the police
262
00:09:33,024 --> 00:09:34,273
when you called them on me?
263
00:09:34,275 --> 00:09:36,892
Uh, I got them to issue
a restraining order.
264
00:09:36,894 --> 00:09:39,028
Hi.
265
00:09:40,564 --> 00:09:41,897
Okay, I...
266
00:09:41,899 --> 00:09:43,533
Uh-oh, he's back.
267
00:09:43,535 --> 00:09:46,786
I don't know how he
keeps finding us.
268
00:09:46,788 --> 00:09:48,454
I'll tell you how.
269
00:09:48,456 --> 00:09:50,373
The GPS on my cell phone.
270
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:51,791
Give me that.
271
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:57,430
I was gonna turn it off,
but okay.
272
00:09:57,432 --> 00:09:58,581
Hang on.
273
00:09:58,583 --> 00:09:59,765
What? Why?
274
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,885
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(squealing)
275
00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,804
Whoa!
276
00:10:04,806 --> 00:10:06,022
(sighs)
277
00:10:06,024 --> 00:10:06,973
That ought to do it.
278
00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:10,059
Okay, you know...
this is nonsense!
279
00:10:10,061 --> 00:10:11,477
(stammers)
Take me home.
280
00:10:11,479 --> 00:10:13,946
Okay, homeward bound.
281
00:10:13,948 --> 00:10:15,147
And gagged.
282
00:10:15,149 --> 00:10:16,532
And tortured for days.
283
00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:19,768
Okay, well, fine,
then take me to a hotel.
284
00:10:19,770 --> 00:10:21,320
Beverly Hills Hotel okay?
285
00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:22,288
It's perfect.
286
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:23,823
And bang, you're dead.
287
00:10:23,825 --> 00:10:25,908
You need to get
off the grid.
288
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:27,460
Someplace they
don't expect you.
289
00:10:27,462 --> 00:10:29,778
A place they can't track
your credit cards.
290
00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:32,415
Nobody is acking
my credit cards.
291
00:10:32,417 --> 00:10:35,751
Oh, that wasn't you last night
getting a coffee colonic?
292
00:10:36,587 --> 00:10:40,423
I will not apologize
for a healthy colon.
293
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,229
Okay, here we go.
294
00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:48,998
This place looks perfect.
295
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,017
This place is a dump.
296
00:10:51,019 --> 00:10:54,103
Exactly, and it's the last place
anyone would look for you.
297
00:10:54,105 --> 00:10:55,638
Yeah, but it's the first place
298
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,857
that hepatitis
would look for me.
299
00:10:57,859 --> 00:10:59,975
Okay, this is only temporary.
300
00:10:59,977 --> 00:11:02,328
You lay low,
and I will straighten this out.
301
00:11:02,330 --> 00:11:04,497
Why in God's name
would I trust you?
302
00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:06,315
Look, Walden, I know
that I've caused you
303
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:08,284
some tiny problems
in the past, but...
304
00:11:08,286 --> 00:11:09,535
Wha...? Tiny?
305
00:11:09,537 --> 00:11:10,836
You pretended to be pregnant
306
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:12,338
to scare my girlfriend away.
307
00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:16,292
You sicced rabid ferrets on me!
308
00:11:16,294 --> 00:11:19,495
You tied me to my bed
and tried to violate me
309
00:11:19,497 --> 00:11:21,631
with a leaf blower!
310
00:11:22,633 --> 00:11:26,185
It's so sweet you
remember everything.
311
00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:28,437
But I can make up
for all of that now.
312
00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:31,974
Look, when your sink is clogged,
you call a plumber.
313
00:11:31,976 --> 00:11:34,477
When your car breaks down,
you call a mechanic.
314
00:11:34,479 --> 00:11:36,646
When you have a dangerous
psychopath after you,
315
00:11:36,648 --> 00:11:38,698
you call me.
316
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,066
All right, fine.
317
00:11:40,068 --> 00:11:41,651
I am gonna kill Alan.
318
00:11:41,653 --> 00:11:44,687
Oh, if you survive tonight,
you should hire Larry's guy.
319
00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:45,854
He's good.
320
00:11:45,856 --> 00:11:48,658
♪ Men. ♪
321
00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:53,682
♪ Men. ♪
322
00:11:53,684 --> 00:11:55,868
Here you go.
323
00:11:58,639 --> 00:12:01,407
This is, uh, this is
the best room you got?
324
00:12:01,409 --> 00:12:03,376
It's the presidential suite.
325
00:12:03,378 --> 00:12:05,912
The president of what?
326
00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:07,880
Crap-o-slovakia?
327
00:12:07,882 --> 00:12:09,799
I could offer you
the honeymoon suite.
328
00:12:09,801 --> 00:12:13,085
You know, if you don't mind
the smell of love.
329
00:12:14,371 --> 00:12:16,556
No, no... this is, uh...
330
00:12:16,558 --> 00:12:17,807
this is fine.
331
00:12:17,809 --> 00:12:19,475
Uh...
332
00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:22,061
Do you, uh, do you
have room service?
333
00:12:24,648 --> 00:12:26,849
I might have something
you might want to eat.
334
00:12:28,735 --> 00:12:30,903
I don't think you do.
335
00:12:33,557 --> 00:12:37,443
Listen, uh, if-if anyone
comes here asking about me,
336
00:12:37,445 --> 00:12:38,945
I-I'm not here.
337
00:12:38,947 --> 00:12:40,196
Don't worry.
338
00:12:40,198 --> 00:12:42,398
No one will ever find you.
339
00:12:48,705 --> 00:12:51,624
Hey, uh, if you get
lonely later on,
340
00:12:51,626 --> 00:12:53,593
I'm in the apartment
behind the building.
341
00:12:53,595 --> 00:12:55,845
Yeah, okay.
342
00:12:55,847 --> 00:12:58,247
It's nothing fancy,
but I've got some good weed
343
00:12:58,249 --> 00:13:01,717
and... a spa tub.
344
00:13:01,719 --> 00:13:04,937
I'll, uh, keep that in mind.
345
00:13:04,939 --> 00:13:06,856
There's a live feed
on channel 14
346
00:13:06,858 --> 00:13:08,524
if you want to check it out.
347
00:13:13,430 --> 00:13:14,697
(door closes)
348
00:13:14,699 --> 00:13:17,817
Great, now I got
to hide from him, too.
349
00:13:21,071 --> 00:13:24,490
This Walden guy is gonna regret
the day he stole my girlfriend.
350
00:13:24,492 --> 00:13:26,775
Oh, it's-it's not stealing.
It-It's more like borrowing.
351
00:13:26,777 --> 00:13:28,611
Like-like renting a car.
352
00:13:28,613 --> 00:13:30,246
Yeah, but when you rent a car
you know there's been
353
00:13:30,248 --> 00:13:32,781
other guys inside it,
turning the knobs,
354
00:13:32,783 --> 00:13:34,050
playing with the seat,
355
00:13:34,052 --> 00:13:35,751
shoving stuff in the trunk.
356
00:13:35,753 --> 00:13:37,970
Okay, okay, maybe that's
a bad analogy.
357
00:13:37,972 --> 00:13:39,639
But that doesn't change
the fact that going over there
358
00:13:39,641 --> 00:13:41,841
to confront him is not
gonna help anything.
359
00:13:41,843 --> 00:13:43,142
You got a better idea?
360
00:13:43,144 --> 00:13:44,143
Uh, I-I do.
361
00:13:44,145 --> 00:13:45,845
How about you forget
about Lyndsey
362
00:13:45,847 --> 00:13:48,147
and we go out to a bar
and pick up some women.
363
00:13:48,149 --> 00:13:50,299
You know, Larry and Jeff
out on the prowl.
364
00:13:50,301 --> 00:13:51,967
(growls)
365
00:13:51,969 --> 00:13:54,020
Jeff, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.
366
00:13:54,022 --> 00:13:55,471
But I'm afraid
if I don't do this,
367
00:13:55,473 --> 00:13:57,990
I won't be able
to live with myself.
368
00:13:59,076 --> 00:14:00,660
And I'm afraid if you do this,
369
00:14:00,662 --> 00:14:03,362
I'll have to live by myself.
370
00:14:04,698 --> 00:14:06,899
(indistinct chatter on TV)
371
00:14:09,136 --> 00:14:11,837
Oh, no! Channel 14!
372
00:14:20,047 --> 00:14:22,014
Oh, God!
373
00:14:22,016 --> 00:14:23,549
(knocking)
374
00:14:24,334 --> 00:14:26,385
Who is it?
375
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:29,055
(deep voice): It's Larry, I'm here
to kill you, Walden.
376
00:14:29,057 --> 00:14:31,440
Mr. Walden, he die.
377
00:14:31,442 --> 00:14:33,859
I clean room.
378
00:14:33,861 --> 00:14:35,678
ROSE:
No, silly rabbit, it's just me.
379
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:37,446
Wha...? Rose?
380
00:14:37,448 --> 00:14:39,848
Is that...?
381
00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:41,400
Are you alone?
382
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:45,421
Yeah, but a nice man did just
invite me into his spa tub.
383
00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:49,709
Here, I brought some food.
384
00:14:49,711 --> 00:14:50,960
Yeah, I can't eat.
385
00:14:50,962 --> 00:14:52,027
Why not?
386
00:14:52,029 --> 00:14:53,379
Well, because if I do,
387
00:14:53,381 --> 00:14:55,214
eventually
I'll have to go in there.
388
00:14:56,667 --> 00:14:58,918
And I'm not going in there.
389
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,053
Uh, so, did you find
anything out?
390
00:15:01,055 --> 00:15:03,472
Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.
391
00:15:03,474 --> 00:15:05,508
God, Alan was supposed
to take care of this.
392
00:15:05,510 --> 00:15:07,310
Well, yeah, he also told you
he was only gonna live
393
00:15:07,312 --> 00:15:11,213
at your house a few days, and
here we are at day 800 and...
394
00:15:11,215 --> 00:15:13,048
43.
395
00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:14,984
Oh, I almost forgot.
396
00:15:14,986 --> 00:15:16,852
I t usgoome candy bars.
397
00:15:16,854 --> 00:15:19,071
Mounds for you,
'cause it's your favorite.
398
00:15:19,073 --> 00:15:20,106
Aw.
399
00:15:20,108 --> 00:15:21,157
Almond Joy for me
400
00:15:21,159 --> 00:15:23,659
'cause, you know... nuts.
401
00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:28,280
Hey, why are you being
so nice to me?
402
00:15:28,282 --> 00:15:31,450
You know,
I'll admit that you hurt me.
403
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:34,903
And I did some things
that I'm not proud of.
404
00:15:35,956 --> 00:15:37,590
But just because
you took a restraining order
405
00:15:37,592 --> 00:15:39,542
out against me...
406
00:15:39,544 --> 00:15:43,462
doesn't mean that I can
restrain my feelings for you.
407
00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:45,514
That is the sweetest,
408
00:15:45,516 --> 00:15:48,017
most terrifying thing
409
00:15:48,019 --> 00:15:49,935
I've ever heard.
410
00:15:51,688 --> 00:15:54,023
Are you really
scared of me?
411
00:15:54,025 --> 00:15:57,593
You're not even the scariest
person I've met in this room.
412
00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:02,698
And the truth is,
I'm-I'm not blameless.
413
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,400
I mean, I chose
another girl over you,
414
00:16:04,402 --> 00:16:08,371
and look who's here
with me now?
415
00:16:08,938 --> 00:16:11,791
I never really left you.
416
00:16:13,410 --> 00:16:15,578
Literally.
417
00:16:18,498 --> 00:16:21,500
File this under things
I'm gonna regret.
418
00:16:25,756 --> 00:16:28,957
Damn it, should've
brought my leaf blower.
419
00:16:36,132 --> 00:16:37,900
Oh, uh,
the doorbell doesn't work.
420
00:16:37,902 --> 00:16:39,769
What?
421
00:16:39,771 --> 00:16:41,804
I mean, uh,
that-that does not work
422
00:16:41,806 --> 00:16:44,973
if you want to send a message
that there's a man here.
423
00:16:45,942 --> 00:16:47,276
♪ Ding-dong.
424
00:16:47,278 --> 00:16:48,778
"I'm gonna kick your tushie."
425
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:51,163
You're right.
Yeah.
426
00:16:51,165 --> 00:16:52,615
Oh.
427
00:16:52,617 --> 00:16:54,650
Okay, now, listen,
now-now, this could get crazy.
428
00:16:54,652 --> 00:16:56,502
I mean, there's gonna be
a lot of name calling--
429
00:16:56,504 --> 00:16:58,654
uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot,
uh, Alan.
430
00:16:58,656 --> 00:17:00,089
Uh...
431
00:17:01,074 --> 00:17:02,875
Larry?
Lyndsey?
432
00:17:02,877 --> 00:17:06,295
I know exactly what's going on
between you and Walden Schmidt.
433
00:17:06,297 --> 00:17:08,047
Now, where is he?
434
00:17:08,049 --> 00:17:10,800
Wow! This house
is amazing.
435
00:17:13,887 --> 00:17:16,188
Larry, this isn't
what you think.
436
00:17:16,190 --> 00:17:17,673
It's exactly what I think.
437
00:17:17,675 --> 00:17:18,891
I have pictures.
438
00:17:18,893 --> 00:17:20,509
We're standing in his house!
439
00:17:20,511 --> 00:17:22,812
Okay, it-it's time for me
to tell you the truth.
440
00:17:22,814 --> 00:17:25,564
Don't believe her!
She's a cheating, drunk whore!
441
00:17:28,201 --> 00:17:29,618
Larry, listen to me.
442
00:17:29,620 --> 00:17:31,654
I'm not here to sleep
with Walden Schmidt.
443
00:17:31,656 --> 00:17:33,355
I'm here to sleep
with someone else.
444
00:17:33,357 --> 00:17:34,907
What?!
What?!
445
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:36,909
Remember you told me
446
00:17:36,911 --> 00:17:39,128
your fantasy was
to see me with another woman?
447
00:17:39,130 --> 00:17:41,363
Yeah?
Yeah?
448
00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:44,300
I've arranged for your dream
to come true.
449
00:17:44,302 --> 00:17:45,634
You did?!
You did?!
450
00:17:45,636 --> 00:17:48,387
Yes, that's why I rented
this beautiful beach house
451
00:17:48,389 --> 00:17:51,039
from Walden Schmidt
as a birthday surprise.
452
00:17:51,041 --> 00:17:53,542
I also got us something else.
453
00:17:53,544 --> 00:17:56,595
So, which one is watching us?
454
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:59,398
If it's him, I'm gonna
have to charge extra.
455
00:18:01,685 --> 00:18:03,352
Wait a minute.
Is this for real?
456
00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:05,387
Happy birthday, baby.
457
00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:07,356
Wow. Wow.
458
00:18:07,358 --> 00:18:08,941
(laughs)
A threesome.
459
00:18:08,943 --> 00:18:10,493
That is quite
a gift.
460
00:18:10,495 --> 00:18:12,495
Well, it was last minute,
461
00:18:12,497 --> 00:18:14,864
and I had to think of something.
462
00:18:14,866 --> 00:18:18,284
A nice cardigan wouldn't
have done the trick?
463
00:18:18,286 --> 00:18:19,535
God, I feel so stupid.
464
00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:21,253
I even hired someone
to follow you.
465
00:18:21,255 --> 00:18:23,005
Well, why don't you
call them off,
466
00:18:23,007 --> 00:18:24,373
and we'll all go sit down
467
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,759
and talk about the things
you want to see?
468
00:18:26,761 --> 00:18:29,178
Bye, Jeff.
469
00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:30,296
Yeah, bye, Jeff.
470
00:18:30,298 --> 00:18:32,515
I'll send you a
copy of the video.
471
00:18:33,683 --> 00:18:34,867
Wait. Thi-Thi...
Wait. This is
472
00:18:34,869 --> 00:18:36,018
really... happening?
473
00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:37,887
I mean, you-you-you
and-and-and her?
474
00:18:37,889 --> 00:18:39,939
And-and... and him?
475
00:18:39,941 --> 00:18:42,057
And-and-and here?
476
00:18:42,059 --> 00:18:44,259
While... while I...?
477
00:18:44,261 --> 00:18:46,595
Son of a bitch!
478
00:18:46,597 --> 00:18:47,947
(mutters)
479
00:18:47,949 --> 00:18:49,164
This is crazy.
480
00:18:49,166 --> 00:18:50,366
You know, I'll...
I'll bet
481
00:18:50,368 --> 00:18:52,318
if Lyndsey had been sleeping
with somebody else,
482
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,704
he'd be really, really mad.
483
00:18:55,706 --> 00:18:57,456
I know.
Isn't this great, Jeff?
484
00:18:57,458 --> 00:19:00,075
She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore.
485
00:19:01,244 --> 00:19:02,945
Hi. It's Larry Martin.
486
00:19:02,947 --> 00:19:05,781
Oh, hey.
487
00:19:05,783 --> 00:19:08,050
Listen, I'm not going to be
needing your services anymore,
488
00:19:08,052 --> 00:19:09,385
but I appreciate all your help.
489
00:19:09,387 --> 00:19:10,920
No problem.
490
00:19:10,922 --> 00:19:12,137
It was my pleasure.
491
00:19:12,139 --> 00:19:14,256
Good-bye.
492
00:19:15,392 --> 00:19:17,626
That was Alan.
493
00:19:17,628 --> 00:19:18,761
What did he say?
494
00:19:18,763 --> 00:19:23,065
Well, he, uh, thanked me
for protecting you.
495
00:19:23,067 --> 00:19:24,767
But there's still no sign
of Larry.
496
00:19:24,769 --> 00:19:27,102
And as long as he's out there,
you're not safe.
497
00:19:27,104 --> 00:19:28,971
I'm gonna go get us
some supplies.
498
00:19:28,973 --> 00:19:30,356
No, don't go!
499
00:19:30,358 --> 00:19:31,857
We're having a good time.
500
00:19:31,859 --> 00:19:34,309
You're just a sticky
little honey bun, aren't you?
501
00:19:34,311 --> 00:19:36,645
Now, don't try
to get in touch with anyone,
502
00:19:36,647 --> 00:19:38,497
or Larry will kill you.
503
00:19:39,366 --> 00:19:41,584
Kisses.
504
00:19:41,586 --> 00:19:43,752
(sighs)
505
00:19:45,872 --> 00:19:48,290
I got to go to the bathroom.
506
00:19:51,094 --> 00:19:53,328
Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.
507
00:19:57,217 --> 00:19:59,218
(thunder rumbling)
508
00:19:59,220 --> 00:20:01,186
(heavy footsteps)
509
00:20:03,690 --> 00:20:05,457
Rose?
510
00:20:05,459 --> 00:20:07,760
(loud jangling of keys)
511
00:20:07,762 --> 00:20:09,194
All right, come on, Rose.
512
00:20:09,196 --> 00:20:11,447
This... this...
It's not funny.
513
00:20:11,449 --> 00:20:13,816
(thunder crackling)
514
00:20:15,702 --> 00:20:17,870
Larry?!
515
00:20:18,955 --> 00:20:21,790
Listen, we can... we can...
we can work this out!
516
00:20:21,792 --> 00:20:23,909
It's-it's just
a little misunderstanding.
517
00:20:23,911 --> 00:20:25,294
(door rattling)
518
00:20:25,296 --> 00:20:26,912
Oh, God! I...
519
00:20:26,914 --> 00:20:29,131
(door rattling loudly)
520
00:20:35,204 --> 00:20:37,139
Well, that was rude.
521
00:20:37,141 --> 00:20:39,258
Looks like I took a shower
for nothing.
522
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:42,011
♪ Men. ♪
523
00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:52,081
♪ Come out, come out,
wherever you are! ♪
524
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,704
I hate you, Jeff Strongman.
525
00:20:58,706 --> 00:21:03,006
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
*Resynced for WEB-DL by wickedky19*