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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bill Cosby!
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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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Hello!
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All right.
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Happy to have all of you here.
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And, uh...
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When I said to some people,
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"I'm coming to cerritos,"
they said, "Ooh, good."
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I said, "We're gonna tape
for a TV show."
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So they said, "Oh, yeah?
What... what... a special for..."
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I said, "Yeah."
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So they said,
"Well, which one?"
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I said, "Comedy Central."
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So they said...
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"Excuse me, you?"
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I said, "Yeah."
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"Is this... is this
a new Comedy Central?"
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I said, "No, it's the one
that you see all the time."
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So, like, one of the guys
started crying.
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So I said,
"What's the matter?"
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He said...
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"Mr. Cosby's gonna curse."
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And they walked away.
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So then,
another couple, they said,
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"We... we hear you're...
you're gonna do a special."
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I said, "Yeah."
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So they said,
"On Comedy Central?"
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They went like this...
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I said, "Yeah."
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They said...
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"Then, uh, we can expect
to see some, uh..."
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I said, "Not really."
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"Well,
what are you gonna do?"
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I said, "I'm gonna
almost talk that way."
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They said,
"What do you mean?"
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I said, "You know,
you aim at it, and you hit it,
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but nobody
heard you firing."
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As you grow,
you find people in your way.
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Old people.
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Two of 'em, you lived with.
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So you become...
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A person who,
now managing your life,
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you fall in love.
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And you see the person
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that you want to spend
the rest of your life with.
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And you ask that person
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to be with you when you die.
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I mean... I mean,
that's essentially what I said.
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I didn't realize
what I was saying,
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but I said that.
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I-I thought
I was being romantic.
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I said to her,
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"I would like to spend
the rest of my life with you."
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Well, if you...
see, love...
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When... there used to be a time
when songwriters wrote words,
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and they...
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They had...
they had stuff...
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"I lo... I'm crazy about you.
I love you.
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I just can't think right.
I'm going mad."
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And all of that.
And... and...
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And it's true!
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You're not making any sense.
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You want somebody
to be with you until you die.
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That's not love.
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You know, I don't know
what you can call it,
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but it's not romantic either.
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I mean, you think about it,
you know, she's there,
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and you say,
"I would like to spend
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the rest of my life
with you."
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Oh, whoops.
Wait a minute.
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Whoops.
Wait a minute.
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Let's go back and listen
to your grandmother.
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After your grandfather died...
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And ten years later,
somebody says,
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"Grandma, don't you want
to meet somebody, a man?"
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"I don't want to take care
of another old man."
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See, she's not in love anymore.
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Grandma says,
"Oh, no, you don't.
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You don't get me
one of those things, man."
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When you fall in love,
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you accept craziness.
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See...
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Here she is.
Right there.
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She's called the "girlfriend."
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Girlfriend.
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Now, this person
is wonderful for you.
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She will even drink beer...
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With you
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and lay up in your ar...
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She will watch sports...
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With you,
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and... and even know
your friends by name...
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And say the names like
she really likes the person.
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She's a wonderful person.
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This is the girlfriend.
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Friend.
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Girl...
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Okay?
Loving you!
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Pick you up anywhere.
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"Come and get me."
Zoom.
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Right there.
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You can say to her,
"Do you have any money?"
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She will... she will say,
"I'm sorry, I don't."
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Well, you can't get everything.
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There she is.
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But...
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After 49 years of experience,
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she is the lure.
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You ever do fishing?
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The lure is something
very beautiful,
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and it bobs in the water.
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And it draws you...
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Yeah.
So nice, this person.
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So wonderful.
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You... you leave her, and she'll
call three minutes later.
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"I miss you."
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Yeah.
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You can call her.
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Any hour.
Any hour.
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She's... "Yes, oh, yes.
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I miss you so much.
When are you..."
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"Yes."
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The girl...
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Friend.
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Thank you very much.
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So you want her...
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So badly that you...
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Want to spend the rest
of your life
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with the girl...
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Friend.
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That's who you're proposing to.
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So now you have
to go get a diamond...
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Because a diamond
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is a girl's...
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Best friend.
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Hey.
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Love... love is not...
you're not clear.
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You're not thinking...
you're not saying to yourself,
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"Wait a minute,
she's my girlfriend.
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"But if I want her to spend
the rest of my life,
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I have to go get her
her friend."
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And maybe more.
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Now, everything
I'm telling you is not anti.
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You know, none of it is anti.
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I'm just trying to make it
clear for the males,
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because somebody keeps
telling us that we are...
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"You're the man.
You're..."
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No.
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What we are
is not paying attention.
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You got to pay attention.
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There are people...
there are paradigms
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of what is coming.
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Your own father.
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See, you think you can use him
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because he's quiet.
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And who helped him
to become that?
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See, it doesn't register
with you that his wife...
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"Don't say that
about my mother..."
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He... your mother...
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You know, I can't say
"wore him down"
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or "beat him down."
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It's his choice
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to be a quiet man.
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A man who used to love to talk.
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A man who took you out places,
came back with you,
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and then she said,
"What did you do?"
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And you told her
what you and dad did.
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And then she told him
not to do that anymore.
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I'm jumping ahead,
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'cause I'm not talking
about the girlfriend.
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I'm talking
about where we're going.
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Yeah, here she is.
The wife.
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See, when you... there's...
the game of chess.
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Supposedly, men made it up,
and it's about war and men
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and the savageness
and the bravery
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and the genius of commanding
and moving pieces and...
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No.
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It's marriage.
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The queen...
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Moves anywhere she wants...
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Picking off people.
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And what happens to the king?
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He's moving one square.
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You get the ring.
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Then...
Then you're most humble.
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You begin to think
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what she will mean to you.
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And you become humbled,
and you realize,
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as you are mad...
as you are mad,
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that you are really...
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You put yourself in such
a low self-esteem position.
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"I am nothing.
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But if I have her,
I will conquer the world."
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And you begin to want her
and need her,
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because without her
by your side,
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you can't do it.
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And then you have the nerve,
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after you give her her friend,
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to tell her
how worthless you are.
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"I am nothing.
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And... and if you
will join me..."
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Now, this
is getting stupid now...
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But it is the lure
of her friend.
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She's not paying attention
to what you're saying.
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She's looking at the diamond.
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00:14:02,933 --> 00:14:05,800
She thinks you're saying,
"Please, marry me,"
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'cause that's all
they ever say.
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You say, "What did he say?"
"He asked me to marry him."
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But you were babbling away
about being nobody and nothing
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and your heart and that
you're gonna die before her
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and you want her there
to see this death.
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00:14:29,325 --> 00:14:32,227
Later on, thousands of years,
a woman says,
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00:14:32,229 --> 00:14:36,131
"I don't want to see that again
as long as I live."
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00:14:37,433 --> 00:14:39,968
So here we go.
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00:14:39,970 --> 00:14:44,239
You ask any woman
in this audience who's married.
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"Did he ask you
to marry him?"
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00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,375
"Yes, he proposed."
"What did he say?"
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He said,
"Will you marry me?"
219
00:14:50,547 --> 00:14:53,548
And that's because
she never paid attention.
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00:14:58,087 --> 00:15:01,323
Now, the two men...
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The two men in the wedding...
important...
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00:15:06,096 --> 00:15:09,030
are told what to do.
223
00:15:09,032 --> 00:15:13,134
The father of the bride
is told.
224
00:15:13,136 --> 00:15:18,173
"You walk her down here,
225
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"give her to him,
226
00:15:21,478 --> 00:15:26,414
"and then you come over
and sit beside me.
227
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,022
"And stay sober.
228
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"And don't go around
asking strangers
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00:15:42,165 --> 00:15:46,501
how much they think
all of this cost."
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00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,810
So much for the power
of the father of the bride.
231
00:15:55,812 --> 00:15:57,846
The groom has no power.
232
00:15:57,848 --> 00:16:00,515
He's given an opportunity
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00:16:00,517 --> 00:16:05,120
to invite
all of his best buddies.
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00:16:05,122 --> 00:16:07,822
They come,
and they are called the...
235
00:16:07,824 --> 00:16:09,824
- Groomsmen.
- The groomsmen.
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00:16:09,826 --> 00:16:12,660
And the reason
why he's given that privilege
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is because
this is the last time
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he will ever see them...
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Except maybe as pallbearers.
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Now, I don't know if
you're planning to get married
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00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,018
for the first time.
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All you fellas,
now just listen to me carefully.
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I... If you can swing it,
I think it'll be very nice.
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Take... take the father
of the bride out.
245
00:16:54,004 --> 00:16:57,939
Let him sit
next to the bride's mother.
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00:16:57,941 --> 00:16:59,507
In his place,
247
00:16:59,509 --> 00:17:02,143
while you're standing
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00:17:02,145 --> 00:17:04,813
and waiting for her,
249
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:09,584
you will put your mother.
250
00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:12,587
The groom's mother...
think about it...
251
00:17:12,589 --> 00:17:15,990
is bringing her.
252
00:17:15,992 --> 00:17:20,929
You see?
You can now see your whole life.
253
00:17:25,568 --> 00:17:31,506
Here comes the woman
who brought you into this world,
254
00:17:31,508 --> 00:17:36,411
now bringing to you
the woman who is going to...
255
00:17:36,413 --> 00:17:39,747
No, let me say it!
256
00:17:47,189 --> 00:17:50,458
Take you out.
257
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,393
Thank you.
258
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:04,439
So now, you men pass up
certain things.
259
00:18:04,441 --> 00:18:05,974
You don't recognize...
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00:18:05,976 --> 00:18:07,208
When you're married,
261
00:18:07,210 --> 00:18:11,646
you don't recognize
certain things that...
262
00:18:11,648 --> 00:18:14,382
Pardon me...
that she's doing.
263
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:17,185
She's not an evil person.
264
00:18:17,187 --> 00:18:21,189
I don't think
that she is like a person...
265
00:18:21,191 --> 00:18:22,957
"Uh, give me that big, red one.
266
00:18:22,959 --> 00:18:25,960
I'm gonna ride 'em
till he can't breathe anymore."
267
00:18:25,962 --> 00:18:27,428
No, I don't think that.
268
00:18:27,430 --> 00:18:29,864
But I do know...
269
00:18:31,934 --> 00:18:36,771
That... that they...
they...
270
00:18:36,773 --> 00:18:41,176
Things belong to them...
271
00:18:41,178 --> 00:18:44,245
And you don't know that.
272
00:18:44,247 --> 00:18:47,749
You think this is yours...
273
00:18:49,585 --> 00:18:52,153
That it belongs
to the two of you.
274
00:18:52,155 --> 00:18:54,155
"My wife and I."
275
00:18:54,157 --> 00:18:57,158
See, it's not true.
276
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:02,463
The first time I ever
talked out loud to myself...
277
00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:06,067
I was married seven months.
278
00:19:09,805 --> 00:19:12,874
I came in,
and I took my shoes off,
279
00:19:12,876 --> 00:19:15,276
put 'em there,
280
00:19:15,278 --> 00:19:19,080
and I-I went back
to get something to drink,
281
00:19:19,082 --> 00:19:21,449
came back, and they were gone.
282
00:19:22,818 --> 00:19:27,789
They were gone
because a part of my mind said...
283
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:31,726
Because the eyes told him,
284
00:19:31,728 --> 00:19:35,029
"What happened to your shoes?"
285
00:19:37,099 --> 00:19:40,034
So I answered myself.
286
00:19:40,036 --> 00:19:42,403
I said, "I don't know."
287
00:19:44,306 --> 00:19:49,577
So... so my brain said,
"Well, they were here."
288
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:52,213
I said,
"Yeah, I took 'em off."
289
00:19:52,215 --> 00:19:54,449
And then my brain said,
"Yeah, we saw you do that.
290
00:19:54,451 --> 00:19:57,952
We saw you...
you put 'em right there."
291
00:19:57,954 --> 00:20:02,557
So things start to move.
292
00:20:04,994 --> 00:20:07,962
And the reason is,
they are not...
293
00:20:07,964 --> 00:20:09,697
Yours.
294
00:20:09,699 --> 00:20:11,566
And where they...
295
00:20:11,568 --> 00:20:14,235
- Belong.
- Belong!
296
00:20:14,237 --> 00:20:18,172
Said many of the wives
sitting in the back.
297
00:20:21,277 --> 00:20:24,846
Yeah, not... they're not
where they belong.
298
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:28,950
And you will find out,
when you ask very nicely,
299
00:20:28,952 --> 00:20:33,755
"Dear..."
you have to.
300
00:20:33,757 --> 00:20:36,758
"Dear, have you seen my..."
301
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:39,394
And then, as you
stay married longer, they...
302
00:20:39,396 --> 00:20:41,963
They get to sound
like judge Judy.
303
00:20:46,368 --> 00:20:48,770
"I'm talking now.
304
00:20:50,873 --> 00:20:55,009
I put it where it belongs."
305
00:20:55,011 --> 00:20:57,045
And then you're scared.
You say...
306
00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,781
You're scared to say,
"Well, where is that?"
307
00:21:07,823 --> 00:21:10,058
All you husbands know this.
308
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:13,194
People will say,
"Is your wife your friend?"
309
00:21:13,196 --> 00:21:16,130
You say, "My best friend."
310
00:21:20,002 --> 00:21:21,869
"My best friend."
311
00:21:21,871 --> 00:21:24,639
Because they better say it.
312
00:21:26,275 --> 00:21:29,577
I-I know that's not
a good understanding
313
00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:33,748
of a friendship,
that you better say it,
314
00:21:33,750 --> 00:21:38,353
but that's the way it is
with your wife.
315
00:21:38,355 --> 00:21:41,255
Because she's not your friend,
316
00:21:41,257 --> 00:21:45,059
so you better say
she's your friend.
317
00:21:45,061 --> 00:21:48,563
No, she's not your friend.
That's your wife.
318
00:21:48,565 --> 00:21:50,798
Way above a friend.
319
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,802
See, this was your friend,
320
00:21:54,804 --> 00:21:59,874
and you wanted to die
with somebody.
321
00:21:59,876 --> 00:22:02,543
Here she is.
322
00:22:02,545 --> 00:22:04,011
You see?
323
00:22:04,013 --> 00:22:05,947
So now, this is your wife.
324
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:10,918
So you could get a friend
just being a regular,
325
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,354
you know, nice person
or something.
326
00:22:13,356 --> 00:22:16,524
But a wife is special.
327
00:22:16,526 --> 00:22:18,393
But they want you to say,
328
00:22:18,395 --> 00:22:20,762
"She's my friend."
329
00:22:20,764 --> 00:22:23,331
But she's not your friend.
330
00:22:23,333 --> 00:22:26,367
No, no, no, no, no.
331
00:22:26,369 --> 00:22:29,837
Let me give you an example.
332
00:22:29,839 --> 00:22:34,242
I fly into Massachusetts.
333
00:22:35,644 --> 00:22:37,512
Get in my car.
334
00:22:37,514 --> 00:22:41,182
2:30 in the morning.
335
00:22:41,184 --> 00:22:42,350
I'm driving,
336
00:22:42,352 --> 00:22:46,521
hour, 15-minute drive,
going home.
337
00:22:46,523 --> 00:22:51,292
All of a sudden,
I smell a wire burning.
338
00:22:51,294 --> 00:22:53,961
15 minutes out, wire burning,
339
00:22:53,963 --> 00:22:56,097
smell smoke,
the lights are dimming.
340
00:22:56,099 --> 00:22:59,233
All of a sudden, the car...
vroo...
341
00:22:59,235 --> 00:23:03,004
And I negotiate over,
342
00:23:03,006 --> 00:23:06,107
I put it in park,
turn off the key.
343
00:23:06,109 --> 00:23:08,910
I go around, I lift the hood.
344
00:23:08,912 --> 00:23:13,080
This ends my knowledge
of how to fix the car.
345
00:23:19,021 --> 00:23:23,224
I come back round, and I...
346
00:23:23,226 --> 00:23:25,793
2:45 A.M...
347
00:23:25,795 --> 00:23:30,531
I dial my friend.
348
00:23:32,134 --> 00:23:35,136
His name is Ed.
349
00:23:35,138 --> 00:23:36,938
He's around my age.
350
00:23:36,940 --> 00:23:39,974
So I said...
phone's ringing...
351
00:23:39,976 --> 00:23:41,542
You know.
352
00:23:41,544 --> 00:23:43,744
So Ed...
he picks up the phone.
353
00:23:43,746 --> 00:23:46,147
Now, he's asleep.
2:45.
354
00:23:46,149 --> 00:23:50,318
He says...
you know, he tried to talk.
355
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:53,087
I said, "Ed."
356
00:23:53,089 --> 00:23:55,456
He said, "Cos."
357
00:23:57,392 --> 00:23:59,994
That's my friend!
358
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:07,835
Ed!
That's my friend Ed!
359
00:24:07,837 --> 00:24:11,105
All I said was "Ed."
He said, "Cos."
360
00:24:14,076 --> 00:24:17,178
He said,
"Are you all right?"
361
00:24:20,582 --> 00:24:24,952
My friend Ed wanted to know...
362
00:24:24,954 --> 00:24:29,857
He was asleep,
and all I said was "Ed."
363
00:24:29,859 --> 00:24:32,727
"Cos, are you all right?"
364
00:24:41,370 --> 00:24:45,406
I said, "Ed, I'm fine.
365
00:24:45,408 --> 00:24:49,176
"I'm driving my car, Ed.
I'm I-91 North.
366
00:24:49,178 --> 00:24:51,946
"I'm an hour out from my house.
367
00:24:51,948 --> 00:24:54,549
"I smell wire burning.
368
00:24:54,551 --> 00:24:57,985
"There's smoke,
engine lights go out, Ed,
369
00:24:57,987 --> 00:25:01,155
"and, Ed, my car is gone.
370
00:25:01,157 --> 00:25:03,124
"It's just stopped,
371
00:25:03,126 --> 00:25:07,728
and I'm wondering, Ed,
if you'll come and get me."
372
00:25:09,064 --> 00:25:13,301
My friend Ed said,
373
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:15,369
"Cos...
374
00:25:17,439 --> 00:25:19,974
"Let me get dressed.
375
00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:21,442
I'll be there."
376
00:25:29,651 --> 00:25:32,019
My friend...
377
00:25:32,021 --> 00:25:34,388
- Ed.
- No, say it!
378
00:25:34,390 --> 00:25:35,389
Ed!
379
00:25:35,391 --> 00:25:36,958
There you go.
My friend!
380
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,159
Ed!
381
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:41,462
Ednah, I didn't ask you
to say it again.
382
00:25:45,033 --> 00:25:49,337
When I do like that,
that's when you say "Ed."
383
00:25:55,844 --> 00:25:58,713
My friend Ed
is coming to get me.
384
00:25:58,715 --> 00:25:59,947
He gave me a choice.
385
00:25:59,949 --> 00:26:02,283
He said,
"Cos, let me get dressed."
386
00:26:02,285 --> 00:26:03,451
I could've said,
387
00:26:03,453 --> 00:26:05,453
"Don't get dressed, Ed.
Come and get me."
388
00:26:10,959 --> 00:26:13,594
My friend Ed is coming.
389
00:26:13,596 --> 00:26:17,365
Now, let's... let's go
to this other person.
390
00:26:20,502 --> 00:26:23,971
I'm not naming any names.
391
00:26:23,973 --> 00:26:27,842
Just going to another person.
392
00:26:27,844 --> 00:26:29,276
What time is it?
393
00:26:29,278 --> 00:26:32,013
2:45.
- 2:45 in the morning.
394
00:26:32,015 --> 00:26:34,248
Dial the number.
395
00:26:34,250 --> 00:26:37,318
- She picked up the phone.
- She said...
396
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:41,389
I said, "Yes, my darling."
397
00:26:41,391 --> 00:26:44,225
She said, "Oh, Billy."
I said, "Yes, dear."
398
00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:45,526
She said,
399
00:26:45,528 --> 00:26:47,762
"Oh, how are you?
400
00:26:47,764 --> 00:26:49,063
What are you doing?"
401
00:26:49,065 --> 00:26:52,033
I said,
"Dear, I'm about an hour out."
402
00:26:52,035 --> 00:26:55,169
She said, "Oh, wonderful.
You'll be home shortly."
403
00:26:55,171 --> 00:26:56,404
I said, "I don't think so."
404
00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:58,773
She said,
"Oh, what's the matter?"
405
00:26:58,775 --> 00:27:01,475
I said, "Well, dear,
I'm driving my car,
406
00:27:01,477 --> 00:27:05,346
"and smoke starts coming,
and the engine cut out,
407
00:27:05,348 --> 00:27:07,682
and I had to maneuver over..."
408
00:27:07,684 --> 00:27:09,750
And she said, "Bill."
409
00:27:09,752 --> 00:27:12,319
I said,
"I-It just won't run, dear."
410
00:27:12,321 --> 00:27:14,755
She said, "Bill."
411
00:27:14,757 --> 00:27:15,923
I said, "Yes, dear?"
412
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:18,826
She said, "How many times...
413
00:27:21,863 --> 00:27:25,066
"Have I told you...
414
00:27:25,068 --> 00:27:29,637
to get that car fixed?"
415
00:27:37,045 --> 00:27:38,512
I said, "Many times."
416
00:27:38,514 --> 00:27:39,780
She said, "No, Bill.
417
00:27:39,782 --> 00:27:42,650
How many times?"
418
00:27:42,652 --> 00:27:45,820
I said, "Over a hundred."
419
00:27:45,822 --> 00:27:49,523
She said,
"So why are you calling me?"
420
00:27:52,761 --> 00:27:54,795
I said,
"Dear, I was hoping..."
421
00:27:54,797 --> 00:27:57,331
She said,
"Well, you got that right."
422
00:27:59,901 --> 00:28:02,603
"I was hoping that you
would come and get me."
423
00:28:02,605 --> 00:28:05,206
She said, "Bill...
424
00:28:05,208 --> 00:28:09,043
"Do you expect me
to get out of this bed,
425
00:28:09,045 --> 00:28:12,947
"drive an hour out
to wherever you are,
426
00:28:12,949 --> 00:28:15,916
because you
don't listen to me?"
427
00:28:18,754 --> 00:28:22,289
She said,
"I'm gonna call the AAA.
428
00:28:22,291 --> 00:28:24,125
When they bring you home, Bill,
429
00:28:24,127 --> 00:28:27,094
don't make a lot of noise."
430
00:28:29,631 --> 00:28:32,500
I said, "Dear, the reason
why I make a lot of noise
431
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:37,571
"is because you won't let me
turn the lights on
432
00:28:37,573 --> 00:28:41,642
and you keep changing
the furniture around."
433
00:28:45,580 --> 00:28:49,617
She said, "Well, you could
fall quieter than that."
434
00:28:53,922 --> 00:28:56,991
Now, that's my wife.
435
00:28:56,993 --> 00:28:58,826
My friend...
436
00:28:58,828 --> 00:29:00,094
Ed!
437
00:29:00,096 --> 00:29:05,099
Is coming to get me,
because Ed is...
438
00:29:05,101 --> 00:29:07,101
A friend.
439
00:29:07,103 --> 00:29:09,637
No, no.
He's single.
440
00:29:17,936 --> 00:29:20,464
I'm telling you now...
I'm not afraid to say it...
441
00:29:21,105 --> 00:29:24,506
I lost...
442
00:29:24,508 --> 00:29:26,174
My key
443
00:29:26,176 --> 00:29:29,277
that was given to me.
444
00:29:29,279 --> 00:29:32,314
I lost my key to the house.
445
00:29:34,484 --> 00:29:38,253
That was 48 years ago.
446
00:29:43,793 --> 00:29:46,895
I don't have a key.
447
00:29:48,197 --> 00:29:51,299
I don't know any codes.
448
00:29:52,735 --> 00:29:55,270
Nothing.
449
00:29:55,272 --> 00:29:59,241
I-I get off the plane,
450
00:29:59,243 --> 00:30:04,246
and... and someone
who works for us
451
00:30:04,248 --> 00:30:07,749
will pick me up, bring me home.
452
00:30:09,152 --> 00:30:11,920
That person has a key.
453
00:30:17,493 --> 00:30:20,762
That's if my wife is not there.
454
00:30:20,764 --> 00:30:23,999
And then that person
will lock me in.
455
00:30:26,269 --> 00:30:31,473
There are instructions
written in the house
456
00:30:31,475 --> 00:30:35,343
what I cannot touch.
457
00:30:35,345 --> 00:30:38,680
Because that's another thing
when you get married.
458
00:30:38,682 --> 00:30:41,216
You get up...
you been sleeping...
459
00:30:41,218 --> 00:30:44,753
You get up,
and she wakes up too.
460
00:30:44,755 --> 00:30:46,054
"Where are you going?"
461
00:30:46,056 --> 00:30:47,455
"I'm just going downstairs."
462
00:30:47,457 --> 00:30:51,126
"No, you stay up here.
You stay here with me."
463
00:30:51,128 --> 00:30:52,460
"Why?"
464
00:30:52,462 --> 00:30:55,163
"Because you're just gonna
be walking all around."
465
00:30:58,267 --> 00:30:59,434
"And what's wrong with that?"
466
00:30:59,436 --> 00:31:02,204
"I don't want you
touching anything!
467
00:31:09,011 --> 00:31:12,347
You don't know
how to lock up."
468
00:31:12,349 --> 00:31:14,182
"What do you mean?"
469
00:31:14,184 --> 00:31:16,318
They don't trust you.
470
00:31:18,387 --> 00:31:23,925
So she had to go
visit her mother,
471
00:31:23,927 --> 00:31:29,064
and she... she left.
472
00:31:29,066 --> 00:31:33,401
I waited and waited
473
00:31:33,403 --> 00:31:35,637
until she was gone
long enough, you know,
474
00:31:35,639 --> 00:31:37,672
to be at her mother's house,
475
00:31:37,674 --> 00:31:42,577
and then I-I got up,
and I went to bed.
476
00:31:42,579 --> 00:31:45,914
She won't let me
go to sleep early,
477
00:31:45,916 --> 00:31:48,650
but if she's not there,
she can't see where I am.
478
00:31:51,053 --> 00:31:55,223
So I put the pajamas on.
479
00:31:55,225 --> 00:31:58,193
I got in the bed.
480
00:31:58,195 --> 00:32:02,197
So the phone rang,
481
00:32:02,199 --> 00:32:05,467
and I got out on my side
482
00:32:05,469 --> 00:32:10,005
and walked over to her side,
where the phone is.
483
00:32:10,007 --> 00:32:13,708
I don't have a phone on my side
484
00:32:13,710 --> 00:32:16,811
because my phone wakes her up.
485
00:32:19,348 --> 00:32:20,682
So...
486
00:32:23,220 --> 00:32:26,354
You thought it was only
happening to you, didn't you?
487
00:32:28,557 --> 00:32:31,926
So I said, "Hello."
488
00:32:31,928 --> 00:32:33,662
It's a woman.
489
00:32:33,664 --> 00:32:36,431
So she says,
490
00:32:36,433 --> 00:32:40,602
"I represent
the so-and-so security company."
491
00:32:40,604 --> 00:32:45,173
She says,
"Who am I talking to?"
492
00:32:45,175 --> 00:32:50,712
I said,
"Well, I'm half-owner of...
493
00:32:50,714 --> 00:32:52,881
of the house."
494
00:32:52,883 --> 00:32:56,451
So she says...
she says,
495
00:32:56,453 --> 00:33:00,288
"Well, do you know
496
00:33:00,290 --> 00:33:05,293
"that there's an alarm
going off...
497
00:33:05,295 --> 00:33:06,761
going off?"
498
00:33:06,763 --> 00:33:09,597
I said,
"I don't hear anything."
499
00:33:09,599 --> 00:33:12,367
She said, "Well, it's going...
it's going...
500
00:33:12,369 --> 00:33:16,504
"It's showing up
that there's a malfunction
501
00:33:16,506 --> 00:33:20,975
in the front door
of the building."
502
00:33:20,977 --> 00:33:24,846
So I said, "Okay.
Well, just a minute."
503
00:33:24,848 --> 00:33:27,849
I put the phone down,
I went to the front door,
504
00:33:27,851 --> 00:33:32,854
and there's bolts and keys.
505
00:33:32,856 --> 00:33:36,591
So you unbolt
and turn the key, open,
506
00:33:36,593 --> 00:33:40,528
slam it, bolt, turn it.
507
00:33:40,530 --> 00:33:45,767
Unbolt, unlock, open, slam it,
508
00:33:45,769 --> 00:33:51,005
jiggle it, bang it,
bolt it back.
509
00:33:51,007 --> 00:33:53,208
Turn the key.
510
00:33:53,210 --> 00:33:55,377
I went back up.
511
00:33:55,379 --> 00:33:56,978
I said, "How's it look?"
512
00:33:56,980 --> 00:34:00,382
She said, "It still shows
there's a malfunction."
513
00:34:00,384 --> 00:34:05,086
She says, "And who...
what is your name?"
514
00:34:05,088 --> 00:34:07,522
I said, "Cosby."
515
00:34:07,524 --> 00:34:11,626
She said,
"What is your code name?"
516
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:23,171
I said,
"I don't have a code name."
517
00:34:23,173 --> 00:34:25,306
She said, "Yes, you do."
518
00:34:28,177 --> 00:34:31,479
I said, "Ma'am,
I have to tell you...
519
00:34:31,481 --> 00:34:36,484
"I don't drink, and I don't
do drugs or anything.
520
00:34:36,486 --> 00:34:40,922
"I know for sure
I don't have a code name.
521
00:34:40,924 --> 00:34:45,126
"I just have my regular name,
which my mother gave me,
522
00:34:45,128 --> 00:34:48,863
and my wife even calls me
by that name."
523
00:34:48,865 --> 00:34:54,536
She said, "Well, sir, I'm
gonna have to call the police,
524
00:34:54,538 --> 00:34:56,037
because you don't know
your code..."
525
00:34:56,039 --> 00:35:00,542
I said, "Ma'am,
they're not gonna do anything
526
00:35:00,544 --> 00:35:03,478
because I have a code face."
527
00:35:08,284 --> 00:35:10,051
I said,
"Just one second, please."
528
00:35:10,053 --> 00:35:14,923
So I put her on hold,
529
00:35:14,925 --> 00:35:17,125
and it's blinking,
530
00:35:17,127 --> 00:35:19,994
and I punch down another line,
531
00:35:19,996 --> 00:35:23,064
and I dial
my mother-in-law's house.
532
00:35:23,066 --> 00:35:25,600
The phone is ringing,
and my wife picked up.
533
00:35:25,602 --> 00:35:26,801
She said, "Hello."
534
00:35:26,803 --> 00:35:29,370
I said, "Oh, I'm so happy
to reach you."
535
00:35:29,372 --> 00:35:31,573
She said, "Hi, honey.
How are you?"
536
00:35:31,575 --> 00:35:33,975
"I'm home."
She said, "I'm at mom's."
537
00:35:33,977 --> 00:35:35,877
I said, "Yeah.
Just a minute, dear."
538
00:35:35,879 --> 00:35:37,879
She said, "What's the matter?
What's the matter?"
539
00:35:37,881 --> 00:35:39,180
I said, "There's nothing wrong,
540
00:35:39,182 --> 00:35:41,282
but the lady
from the security company..."
541
00:35:41,284 --> 00:35:43,351
She said,
"What did you do?"
542
00:35:46,188 --> 00:35:48,122
I said, "I didn't
do anything, dear.
543
00:35:48,124 --> 00:35:49,657
Just one second."
544
00:35:49,659 --> 00:35:52,660
So, uh...
545
00:35:52,662 --> 00:35:55,263
Conference.
546
00:35:55,265 --> 00:35:59,267
So I punch down the conference,
and I punch down my wife.
547
00:35:59,269 --> 00:36:01,269
I said, "Hello?"
My wife said, "Hello?"
548
00:36:01,271 --> 00:36:02,504
And the woman said, "Hello!"
549
00:36:02,506 --> 00:36:05,707
I said, "All right!"
550
00:36:10,146 --> 00:36:13,314
So I said, "Ma'am?"
The lady said, "Yes."
551
00:36:13,316 --> 00:36:15,083
I said, "This is my wife."
552
00:36:15,085 --> 00:36:17,519
So the woman said,
"Yes, how are you?"
553
00:36:17,521 --> 00:36:19,654
My wife says, "I'm fine."
554
00:36:19,656 --> 00:36:23,491
So my wife says,
"What is the problem?"
555
00:36:23,493 --> 00:36:25,860
So the woman said,
"Well, there's a malfunction
556
00:36:25,862 --> 00:36:29,531
"on the front door
of the building
557
00:36:29,533 --> 00:36:33,067
that this gentleman
is in."
558
00:36:33,069 --> 00:36:38,740
So my wife said,
"Did you touch that front door?"
559
00:36:38,742 --> 00:36:40,575
I said, "No, I didn't."
560
00:36:40,577 --> 00:36:43,244
The woman said,
"Yes, he did."
561
00:36:49,151 --> 00:36:51,786
I said, "Now, look, lady.
You gotta...
562
00:36:51,788 --> 00:36:54,622
"You know,
there is a timeline here.
563
00:36:54,624 --> 00:36:57,859
"I touched the door
after you told me
564
00:36:57,861 --> 00:36:59,027
there was something wrong."
565
00:36:59,029 --> 00:37:02,030
She said,
"Oh, yeah. Okay."
566
00:37:02,032 --> 00:37:05,366
So the woman said,
"And what is your name, ma'am?"
567
00:37:05,368 --> 00:37:07,702
She said, "Mrs. Cosby."
568
00:37:07,704 --> 00:37:10,071
And the woman said,
"That is correct."
569
00:37:10,073 --> 00:37:13,308
She said...
570
00:37:13,310 --> 00:37:16,844
She said,
"And what is your code name?"
571
00:37:16,846 --> 00:37:18,713
My wife said, "Pearl."
572
00:37:18,715 --> 00:37:20,515
She said, "That's correct."
573
00:37:20,517 --> 00:37:23,084
She said, "And I just want
to tell you, Mrs. Cosby,
574
00:37:23,086 --> 00:37:26,621
"how wonderful it is to speak
to someone who has a code name
575
00:37:26,623 --> 00:37:29,424
"that makes some sense and not
a bunch of pervert things
576
00:37:29,426 --> 00:37:32,193
going out that you
have to hear and say."
577
00:37:32,195 --> 00:37:34,095
My wife said,
"Thank you, but you know,
578
00:37:34,097 --> 00:37:36,931
"I was in the andes,
and we were all around,
579
00:37:36,933 --> 00:37:39,033
"and I saw the pearls
and the people,
580
00:37:39,035 --> 00:37:41,469
and I said, 'oh, my God,
I've got the name.'"
581
00:37:41,471 --> 00:37:44,339
and the woman said,
"Oh, yes, I plan to go there,
582
00:37:44,341 --> 00:37:47,075
"and we're going to do
all of this and that,
583
00:37:47,077 --> 00:37:51,012
and they're the same colors,
and so you don't mind if I..."
584
00:37:51,014 --> 00:37:52,747
"Oh, yes,
it's a wonderful place,
585
00:37:52,749 --> 00:37:55,783
and you should see
the thing..."
586
00:37:55,785 --> 00:37:59,787
She said, "By the way, your...
this man is your husband?"
587
00:37:59,789 --> 00:38:02,490
My wife said, "Yes."
588
00:38:02,492 --> 00:38:06,894
She said, "He doesn't... he says
he doesn't have a code name."
589
00:38:06,896 --> 00:38:08,196
So my wife said,
"Yes, he does."
590
00:38:08,198 --> 00:38:10,565
I said, "No, I don't."
591
00:38:10,567 --> 00:38:14,102
My wife said,
"You do have a code name."
592
00:38:14,104 --> 00:38:16,938
She said, "And I told you
your code name."
593
00:38:16,940 --> 00:38:19,974
I said,
"You never told me anything.
594
00:38:19,976 --> 00:38:21,175
You never said..."
595
00:38:21,177 --> 00:38:24,779
She said, "I told you
your code name twice,
596
00:38:24,781 --> 00:38:26,114
"as a matter of fact,
597
00:38:26,116 --> 00:38:29,217
and then I told you
to write it down."
598
00:38:29,219 --> 00:38:34,989
I said, "Well, I don't know
anything about a code name."
599
00:38:34,991 --> 00:38:38,426
So the woman said,
"And what is his code name?"
600
00:38:38,428 --> 00:38:41,229
My wife said, "Bill."
601
00:38:51,707 --> 00:38:54,676
I was going to have
602
00:38:54,678 --> 00:38:58,212
this woman reported,
603
00:38:58,214 --> 00:39:00,481
because...
604
00:39:00,483 --> 00:39:03,918
No, you can't do that.
605
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:06,621
But I didn't report her
606
00:39:06,623 --> 00:39:09,724
because I didn't know
how to spell...
607
00:39:12,562 --> 00:39:17,198
See, that's the sound she made
to keep from laughing.
608
00:39:20,035 --> 00:39:22,737
My wife said, "Bill,"
and this woman went...
609
00:39:26,209 --> 00:39:28,342
And then she said to my wife,
610
00:39:28,344 --> 00:39:31,179
"Mrs. Cosby,
please don't be dismayed.
611
00:39:31,181 --> 00:39:34,449
I have one of these
at home too."
612
00:39:41,890 --> 00:39:44,592
So I said, "Well...
613
00:39:44,594 --> 00:39:49,197
"If you told me twice
my code name,
614
00:39:49,199 --> 00:39:52,734
"and if... and I'm talking
to both of you...
615
00:39:52,736 --> 00:39:55,870
"If you told me
to write it down,
616
00:39:55,872 --> 00:39:59,774
why is it I don't remember
what you said?"
617
00:39:59,776 --> 00:40:02,643
And both of them
said simultaneously,
618
00:40:02,645 --> 00:40:04,345
"Because you don't..."
619
00:40:04,404 --> 00:40:05,370
Listen.
620
00:40:05,458 --> 00:40:08,793
No, no, I'm not talking to you.
621
00:40:16,001 --> 00:40:17,868
You weren't there.
622
00:40:23,285 --> 00:40:24,819
So we went
to this one restaurant
623
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:27,633
in New York City,
624
00:40:27,635 --> 00:40:32,192
and he has a bakery
next door... next door.
625
00:40:32,193 --> 00:40:36,362
So it's like the bakery,
and then you go in,
626
00:40:36,364 --> 00:40:37,897
and there's curtain,
627
00:40:37,899 --> 00:40:40,699
curtain,
and a door to the bakery.
628
00:40:40,701 --> 00:40:43,469
And then there's a curtain,
and then there's a door
629
00:40:43,471 --> 00:40:46,238
and a curtain
to the restaurant.
630
00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:51,010
So when we got out of the car,
I'm walking,
631
00:40:51,012 --> 00:40:54,713
and we get out far enough back
632
00:40:54,715 --> 00:40:58,984
that I could see the cookies.
633
00:41:01,154 --> 00:41:03,355
And I noticed
634
00:41:03,357 --> 00:41:08,894
that they had chocolate chip
cookies this size.
635
00:41:08,896 --> 00:41:14,200
Bigger than famous amos,
smaller than Mrs. fields.
636
00:41:14,202 --> 00:41:18,270
So listen, this is
where you can put two in.
637
00:41:21,575 --> 00:41:24,110
So the bad boys up here,
638
00:41:24,112 --> 00:41:29,448
they're... "Oh, man,
we gonna party!"
639
00:41:29,450 --> 00:41:31,784
"Yeah, but how do we get there?
How do we get there?"
640
00:41:31,786 --> 00:41:33,419
"Don't worry,
he'll figure it out.
641
00:41:33,421 --> 00:41:35,321
He's smart."
You know.
642
00:41:35,323 --> 00:41:40,326
So we go... she did not
look like she saw it.
643
00:41:56,076 --> 00:42:00,946
And we went in and so...
644
00:42:00,948 --> 00:42:02,348
"Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Cosby.
645
00:42:02,350 --> 00:42:03,749
How do you do?
Sit there,"
646
00:42:03,751 --> 00:42:05,451
and people sitting.
647
00:42:05,453 --> 00:42:07,953
And I'm...
so he pulls...
648
00:42:07,955 --> 00:42:13,526
So my back is to the door,
and she's there.
649
00:42:13,528 --> 00:42:15,861
Fella says,
"And there's the menu for you,
650
00:42:15,863 --> 00:42:17,863
and will your husband
be having a menu?"
651
00:42:17,865 --> 00:42:20,633
"No, I'll select
something for him."
652
00:42:20,635 --> 00:42:22,868
She says, "Oh, I see you have
653
00:42:22,870 --> 00:42:26,639
the poached breast
of chicken foot."
654
00:42:31,444 --> 00:42:33,045
And she started laughing.
655
00:42:33,047 --> 00:42:37,216
"Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I got you. I got you."
656
00:42:39,386 --> 00:42:42,488
"No, you scared me."
657
00:42:42,490 --> 00:42:46,125
So she ordered something for me
658
00:42:46,127 --> 00:42:49,228
that was poached, uh...
659
00:42:49,230 --> 00:42:50,996
With nothing, you know?
660
00:42:50,998 --> 00:42:56,936
Just... you will taste
the flavor of how it died.
661
00:43:04,477 --> 00:43:06,979
So...
662
00:43:06,981 --> 00:43:11,250
She ordered some kind of salmon
663
00:43:11,252 --> 00:43:13,886
from rangoon,
664
00:43:13,888 --> 00:43:17,923
which has been buried
665
00:43:17,925 --> 00:43:21,794
for 12 years
666
00:43:21,796 --> 00:43:27,800
and then was wrapped
in fig leaves
667
00:43:27,802 --> 00:43:30,469
from a village
668
00:43:30,471 --> 00:43:35,241
where only virgins...
669
00:43:35,243 --> 00:43:38,177
Male... male virgins...
670
00:43:38,179 --> 00:43:42,715
Come and sing to the trees
671
00:43:42,717 --> 00:43:44,383
and the leaves.
672
00:43:48,788 --> 00:43:51,090
It was wonderful.
673
00:43:51,092 --> 00:43:53,325
She just swooned, listening...
674
00:43:53,327 --> 00:43:56,495
"I don't know how chef
thinks of these things."
675
00:43:56,497 --> 00:43:59,732
And so she ordered that
676
00:43:59,734 --> 00:44:02,635
with, uh, with prunes.
677
00:44:03,904 --> 00:44:07,473
No, it wasn't "ew."
She... she's... prunes.
678
00:44:07,475 --> 00:44:11,777
And they bring a small tree,
and you pick your own prunes.
679
00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:15,180
Put 'em on your plate.
680
00:44:15,182 --> 00:44:18,917
So I said to her...
681
00:44:18,919 --> 00:44:22,855
Now, this is the part
of marriage where you...
682
00:44:26,026 --> 00:44:27,259
I mean, you're both good.
683
00:44:27,261 --> 00:44:30,663
You both know each other
very well.
684
00:44:30,665 --> 00:44:34,800
"Soon I will get you,
lady Cosby.
685
00:44:41,274 --> 00:44:43,742
"I bleed not.
686
00:44:43,744 --> 00:44:46,512
"This is but a scar.
687
00:44:46,514 --> 00:44:49,181
Aah!"
688
00:44:50,483 --> 00:44:52,418
I said to her,
689
00:44:52,420 --> 00:44:57,423
"If you will excuse me,
I will go to the bathroom."
690
00:44:57,425 --> 00:44:58,724
She said, "All right."
691
00:44:58,726 --> 00:45:01,493
So I got up, and I went...
692
00:45:08,234 --> 00:45:09,735
The lady at the desk...
693
00:45:09,737 --> 00:45:12,004
"May I help you, Mr. Cosby?"
694
00:45:12,006 --> 00:45:15,741
"Uh, no,
I'm going straight ahead."
695
00:45:15,743 --> 00:45:19,678
Door, curtain, bakery.
696
00:45:21,181 --> 00:45:26,185
So there's a-a couple
697
00:45:26,187 --> 00:45:28,587
and a little child.
698
00:45:28,589 --> 00:45:32,091
I go up, and I'm in...
you know, in a hurry.
699
00:45:32,093 --> 00:45:35,260
So there's a lady
waiting on them.
700
00:45:35,262 --> 00:45:37,096
So there's another lady
701
00:45:37,098 --> 00:45:38,964
that didn't look like
she was doing anything.
702
00:45:38,966 --> 00:45:40,833
You know, New York City.
703
00:45:40,835 --> 00:45:42,701
And, uh, I said,
"Pardon me."
704
00:45:42,703 --> 00:45:44,937
She said,
"I'm very busy right now."
705
00:45:44,939 --> 00:45:46,305
I said, "Oh, yes, ma'am,
706
00:45:46,307 --> 00:45:51,143
but I just need t-two things,
please, if you don't..."
707
00:45:51,145 --> 00:45:54,146
"Oh, hello, what do you need?
What do you need?"
708
00:45:54,148 --> 00:45:57,149
I said, "Just give me two
chocolate chip cookies, please."
709
00:45:57,151 --> 00:45:59,985
"Well, you just can't have two.
You have to buy a dozen."
710
00:45:59,987 --> 00:46:01,987
"Well, good,
I will buy a dozen,
711
00:46:01,989 --> 00:46:04,623
"but give me two now, please.
712
00:46:04,625 --> 00:46:06,291
Just give me two."
713
00:46:06,293 --> 00:46:08,527
"First,
I have to put the gloves on."
714
00:46:08,529 --> 00:46:11,096
"All right, put on one glove.
Give me two cookies.
715
00:46:11,098 --> 00:46:14,066
"Please, hurry, 'cause
I have to get out of here.
716
00:46:14,068 --> 00:46:15,801
So give me..."
717
00:46:15,803 --> 00:46:18,370
What! I put 'em in...
718
00:46:18,372 --> 00:46:20,072
Chew the thing,
and now she's putting 'em...
719
00:46:21,308 --> 00:46:23,275
I said, "Here, keep the change.
720
00:46:23,277 --> 00:46:24,843
It's all right.
Don't worry."
721
00:46:24,845 --> 00:46:26,779
"No, you will get the change.
You got to..."
722
00:46:26,781 --> 00:46:29,081
I said, "I don't have time!
I'm sorry."
723
00:46:29,083 --> 00:46:32,384
And I went through a bunch
of curtains, then the door.
724
00:46:32,386 --> 00:46:34,586
Stood there
with the curtain blocking.
725
00:46:54,441 --> 00:46:57,042
She's sitting there.
726
00:46:57,044 --> 00:46:59,511
I sit down.
727
00:46:59,513 --> 00:47:02,748
She draws the sword.
728
00:47:09,055 --> 00:47:12,991
"Where did you go?"
729
00:47:22,335 --> 00:47:27,072
"I told you...
730
00:47:27,074 --> 00:47:29,408
Where I went."
731
00:47:33,746 --> 00:47:37,749
She said, "I know...
732
00:47:37,751 --> 00:47:40,953
"What you told me...
733
00:47:43,857 --> 00:47:47,259
But that's not
what I asked you."
734
00:47:52,065 --> 00:47:55,067
I said, "I went...
735
00:47:58,338 --> 00:48:01,640
To the bathroom."
736
00:48:03,409 --> 00:48:06,011
She said,
"No, you didn't."
737
00:48:11,751 --> 00:48:13,919
She said, "You went...
738
00:48:17,323 --> 00:48:20,259
"That way.
739
00:48:20,261 --> 00:48:25,030
The bathroom is that way."
740
00:48:26,266 --> 00:48:29,034
I said, "Yes.
741
00:48:29,036 --> 00:48:31,203
"This is true.
742
00:48:35,909 --> 00:48:38,877
"But...
743
00:48:38,879 --> 00:48:42,848
"The bathroom
for the regular people...
744
00:48:45,084 --> 00:48:47,553
"is there.
745
00:48:47,555 --> 00:48:49,821
"For the stars...
746
00:48:53,092 --> 00:48:55,861
"It's that way.
747
00:48:55,863 --> 00:48:57,796
Ha!"
748
00:49:02,669 --> 00:49:05,604
She said,
749
00:49:05,606 --> 00:49:10,542
"You went into that bakery...
750
00:49:16,349 --> 00:49:20,185
"and you ate
751
00:49:20,187 --> 00:49:23,855
a chocolate chip cookie!"
752
00:49:25,592 --> 00:49:30,362
And I said, "Ha, ha, ha!
753
00:49:30,364 --> 00:49:33,966
"That's where you are wrong!
754
00:49:37,737 --> 00:49:42,274
"I did not have...
755
00:49:42,276 --> 00:49:44,476
"A...
756
00:49:49,382 --> 00:49:52,818
Chocolate chip cookie!"
757
00:49:55,021 --> 00:49:57,990
She said, "You did."
758
00:49:59,859 --> 00:50:04,162
She said,
"Let me smell your breath."
759
00:50:06,132 --> 00:50:09,134
I said, "You'll smell nothing.
760
00:50:13,673 --> 00:50:16,141
"You think
I'm one of your children.
761
00:50:16,143 --> 00:50:20,812
"Going around smelling people!
762
00:50:20,814 --> 00:50:22,914
Apologize!"
763
00:50:26,586 --> 00:50:29,454
The woman from the bakery...
764
00:50:38,164 --> 00:50:41,400
It was not a pretty scene.
765
00:50:41,402 --> 00:50:45,871
The woman from the bakery
came with the bag
766
00:50:45,873 --> 00:50:49,341
with the ten
chocolate chip cookies.
767
00:50:49,343 --> 00:50:54,146
It was piling on
like I've never seen before.
768
00:50:54,148 --> 00:50:57,315
"Mr. Cosby!
What is wrong with you?
769
00:50:57,317 --> 00:51:00,752
"You forgot
your ten other cookies,
770
00:51:00,754 --> 00:51:05,891
and you ate the other two
so fast in there."
771
00:51:05,893 --> 00:51:07,659
I said,
"I don't know you, lady."
772
00:51:07,661 --> 00:51:09,995
She said,
773
00:51:09,997 --> 00:51:12,597
"And here's your change."
774
00:51:18,771 --> 00:51:24,676
And then my wife stuck
her sword through my neck.
775
00:51:28,449 --> 00:51:30,882
Oh, you liked that part,
didn't you?
776
00:51:32,552 --> 00:51:34,720
And said,
"Chew on that."
777
00:51:37,857 --> 00:51:40,592
Yes, but getting back...
778
00:51:40,594 --> 00:51:44,996
And then, the other dream:
the children.
779
00:51:44,998 --> 00:51:47,799
These children...
we will have these children,
780
00:51:47,801 --> 00:51:49,267
and they will go on.
781
00:51:49,269 --> 00:51:51,670
We will give them love,
and they will go on.
782
00:51:51,672 --> 00:51:54,973
We will give them care
and go on in health and go on,
783
00:51:54,975 --> 00:51:56,875
and these are our children,
784
00:51:56,877 --> 00:52:00,345
and they will love us
and everything.
785
00:52:02,348 --> 00:52:05,917
And I'm... I'm driving them.
786
00:52:05,919 --> 00:52:07,719
There's three of them.
787
00:52:07,721 --> 00:52:11,857
It's my turn to drive 'em
to school.
788
00:52:11,859 --> 00:52:13,992
Block and a half from school...
789
00:52:13,994 --> 00:52:17,262
"Dad, dad, wait, wait, stop.
Stop the car."
790
00:52:17,264 --> 00:52:18,263
"What's the matter?"
791
00:52:18,265 --> 00:52:20,899
"Can... can you
let us out here?"
792
00:52:22,568 --> 00:52:24,803
"No, your mother
said to take you
793
00:52:24,805 --> 00:52:27,139
straight to the front
of the school."
794
00:52:27,141 --> 00:52:29,141
"No, no, dad.
No, she didn't mean that.
795
00:52:29,143 --> 00:52:30,408
She means to let..."
796
00:52:30,410 --> 00:52:34,379
"No, don't tell me
what she means.
797
00:52:34,381 --> 00:52:36,014
"I know what your mother said.
798
00:52:36,016 --> 00:52:39,551
"Your mother said
drop you off in front of the...
799
00:52:39,553 --> 00:52:42,053
"I don't know what you guys
are trying to pull,
800
00:52:42,055 --> 00:52:44,689
but you're getting off
in front of the school."
801
00:52:44,691 --> 00:52:46,525
"Dad, please.
Please, don't do that.
802
00:52:46,527 --> 00:52:49,261
Please, don't... dad, don't,
don't, don't, don't, don't."
803
00:52:49,263 --> 00:52:51,763
"Okay, 'don't, don't, don't,
don't, don't.'
804
00:52:51,765 --> 00:52:53,799
What is the problem?"
805
00:52:53,852 --> 00:52:55,718
"Dad, there's no problem.
806
00:52:55,720 --> 00:53:01,557
We just want to walk
from here to the school."
807
00:53:01,559 --> 00:53:04,560
"But your mother
said to drop you..."
808
00:53:04,562 --> 00:53:06,796
"Dad, please,
if you let us off here,
809
00:53:06,798 --> 00:53:08,564
we will never say anything."
810
00:53:08,566 --> 00:53:11,834
"Oh, don't lie to me
about that.
811
00:53:13,671 --> 00:53:18,408
Now, you're gonna tell me
what the problem is."
812
00:53:18,410 --> 00:53:20,977
So I turned around,
and I looked at 'em.
813
00:53:20,979 --> 00:53:23,880
And when you're
an experienced parent,
814
00:53:23,882 --> 00:53:25,982
you pick out the weak one.
815
00:53:33,924 --> 00:53:35,858
"Judas...
816
00:53:41,298 --> 00:53:44,133
"Come on, talk to me.
Talk to me.
817
00:53:50,674 --> 00:53:52,341
"Come on, you can.
You can.
818
00:53:52,343 --> 00:53:55,178
Say it.
Don't be afraid of the others."
819
00:54:00,617 --> 00:54:05,221
So finally, the old one said,
820
00:54:05,223 --> 00:54:08,991
"The reason why we want to walk
821
00:54:08,993 --> 00:54:11,561
"is because our friends
822
00:54:11,563 --> 00:54:15,498
make fun of us."
823
00:54:15,500 --> 00:54:17,567
"About what?"
824
00:54:17,569 --> 00:54:21,904
"Um, they say that, um,
825
00:54:21,906 --> 00:54:25,608
we think we're rich."
826
00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:27,744
"Why didn't you tell me that?
827
00:54:27,746 --> 00:54:29,045
"Why didn't you say that?
828
00:54:29,047 --> 00:54:32,381
"I can clear it up for you
right away.
829
00:54:36,053 --> 00:54:40,423
"Listen, your mother and I
are rich.
830
00:54:50,768 --> 00:54:54,437
"You guys have nothing.
831
00:54:54,439 --> 00:54:56,205
"I mean, think about it.
832
00:54:56,207 --> 00:54:59,208
"Every time you want something,
you ask us, don't you?
833
00:54:59,210 --> 00:55:00,810
"That means you have nothing.
834
00:55:00,812 --> 00:55:03,913
"Defend yourself!
835
00:55:03,915 --> 00:55:05,782
"People say, 'oh, you guys
think you're rich.'
836
00:55:05,784 --> 00:55:07,550
"You say, 'no, we don't!
837
00:55:07,552 --> 00:55:09,852
"'That's my father's car.
838
00:55:09,854 --> 00:55:12,155
"It's my mother's house.
839
00:55:12,157 --> 00:55:13,556
"We have nothing!'
840
00:55:13,558 --> 00:55:16,025
"Say that to them.
841
00:55:16,027 --> 00:55:19,028
"And I'll prove it.
Just... I'll prove it.
842
00:55:19,030 --> 00:55:23,933
"The state is making us
do these things.
843
00:55:23,935 --> 00:55:26,836
"If we don't do it,
we go to jail.
844
00:55:29,473 --> 00:55:32,241
"Another thing,
you have no money.
845
00:55:32,243 --> 00:55:35,978
"You're homeless also.
846
00:55:35,980 --> 00:55:38,948
"Your name's not
on the mortgage or anything.
847
00:55:38,950 --> 00:55:43,286
Tell your friends that.
Defend yourself!"
848
00:55:43,288 --> 00:55:45,288
"Well, we just
wanna get out of here,
849
00:55:45,290 --> 00:55:46,889
and we just
wanna walk, and..."
850
00:55:46,891 --> 00:55:49,025
"Besides,
they're not your friends,
851
00:55:49,027 --> 00:55:51,594
"'cause if they
were your friends,
852
00:55:51,596 --> 00:55:55,665
"they would like you
for who you are,
853
00:55:55,667 --> 00:55:57,867
period, regardless."
854
00:55:57,869 --> 00:55:59,202
"Well..."
855
00:55:59,204 --> 00:56:00,670
"Evin," I say, "Look, okay?
856
00:56:00,672 --> 00:56:03,005
I've had enough of this."
857
00:56:03,007 --> 00:56:04,807
Made a u-turn.
858
00:56:04,809 --> 00:56:07,877
I went all the way back
about 1/2 mile.
859
00:56:10,314 --> 00:56:12,949
Made another u-turn.
860
00:56:12,951 --> 00:56:16,118
I said, "Get out."
861
00:56:16,120 --> 00:56:18,054
"Get out?
But... get out?"
862
00:56:18,056 --> 00:56:20,823
"Yes, get out."
863
00:56:22,392 --> 00:56:24,060
"But, dad, this is a long..."
864
00:56:24,062 --> 00:56:26,062
"Yes!
865
00:56:26,064 --> 00:56:29,732
"Think of how your friends
will love you even more.
866
00:56:33,070 --> 00:56:36,005
"Come on. You...
867
00:56:36,007 --> 00:56:38,274
You can do it.
You can do it. Get out."
868
00:56:38,276 --> 00:56:39,942
"But, dad,
we don't wanna get out."
869
00:56:39,944 --> 00:56:43,746
"No, no, you're gonna prove this
to your friends."
870
00:56:43,748 --> 00:56:47,083
I close the door, and I
made a u-turn, going home.
871
00:56:47,085 --> 00:56:49,218
I'm driving.
I look through the rearview.
872
00:56:49,220 --> 00:56:51,654
They're fighting mad
with each other, man.
873
00:56:51,656 --> 00:56:54,123
Not throwing any punches,
but it's getting close.
874
00:57:01,598 --> 00:57:03,766
So I make another u-turn,
and I come back.
875
00:57:03,768 --> 00:57:07,003
"What's the problem?"
876
00:57:07,005 --> 00:57:10,373
"We don't...
we don't wanna walk."
877
00:57:10,375 --> 00:57:13,910
"Okay, get in the car."
878
00:57:13,912 --> 00:57:18,414
I drive all the way up
879
00:57:18,416 --> 00:57:21,284
to the front of the school.
880
00:57:21,286 --> 00:57:23,352
In front of us...
I told 'em.
881
00:57:23,354 --> 00:57:24,754
I said, "Look at that.
882
00:57:24,756 --> 00:57:26,856
"Your friends
talking about being rich.
883
00:57:26,858 --> 00:57:32,528
"They just drove up here
in a $300,000 bus.
884
00:57:43,373 --> 00:57:44,674
Go ahead."
885
00:57:44,676 --> 00:57:46,509
So they got out.
886
00:57:46,511 --> 00:57:49,879
They're walking,
and then they go on the grass,
887
00:57:49,881 --> 00:57:54,383
and they're meeting
with their friends outside,
888
00:57:54,385 --> 00:57:57,520
and all of a sudden,
I put it in park,
889
00:57:57,522 --> 00:58:01,557
opened the door,
and I walked over to 'em.
890
00:58:05,529 --> 00:58:08,698
And I looked at 'em,
with their friends around them,
891
00:58:08,700 --> 00:58:10,900
and I said,
892
00:58:10,902 --> 00:58:12,835
"Kiss me."
893
00:58:22,346 --> 00:58:24,814
It was wonderful.
894
00:58:28,085 --> 00:58:29,352
I remember my wife...
895
00:58:29,354 --> 00:58:32,054
Our first one
was ten years old...
896
00:58:32,056 --> 00:58:34,190
And I think my wife
had some dreams
897
00:58:34,192 --> 00:58:39,128
of this first-born
being a friend
898
00:58:39,130 --> 00:58:42,331
and the two of them
growing together.
899
00:58:42,333 --> 00:58:43,799
"Which one is the mother?"
900
00:58:48,772 --> 00:58:52,208
Not once she turned ten.
901
00:58:52,210 --> 00:58:53,409
My wife called me.
902
00:58:53,411 --> 00:58:56,512
"Bill!
May I see you?"
903
00:58:56,514 --> 00:58:59,448
And I have this habit...
904
00:58:59,450 --> 00:59:02,351
If I can't see her,
I don't answer.
905
00:59:06,523 --> 00:59:08,457
Then I heard her coming,
and I answered,
906
00:59:08,459 --> 00:59:10,860
"Yes, dear?"
907
00:59:14,498 --> 00:59:17,700
She said,
"Come with me, please."
908
00:59:17,702 --> 00:59:21,637
And she took me up
to the daughter's bedroom.
909
00:59:21,639 --> 00:59:24,040
The daughter's
standing there...
910
00:59:26,109 --> 00:59:29,045
Letting us know
she can't stand us.
911
00:59:30,914 --> 00:59:32,248
I stopped at the doorway.
912
00:59:32,250 --> 00:59:34,884
My wife came over here.
913
00:59:34,886 --> 00:59:38,320
My wife addressed me.
914
00:59:38,322 --> 00:59:43,793
"Have you ever seen
such filth in all your life?"
915
00:59:43,795 --> 00:59:46,328
I said, "No, I haven't,
your honor."
916
00:59:51,368 --> 00:59:52,835
My wife said,
917
00:59:52,837 --> 00:59:55,871
"Go to your bathroom,
918
00:59:55,873 --> 00:59:59,542
"pick up
the bathroom scale... yours.
919
00:59:59,544 --> 01:00:01,243
"It's on the floor.
920
01:00:01,245 --> 01:00:03,245
"With two hands.
921
01:00:03,247 --> 01:00:04,613
"Bring it in here.
922
01:00:04,615 --> 01:00:07,516
Set it down face up."
923
01:00:08,985 --> 01:00:11,020
Daughter came back with it.
924
01:00:15,525 --> 01:00:20,596
My wife said, "Now,
bring that sock over here.
925
01:00:22,632 --> 01:00:25,601
"Put it on the scale.
926
01:00:25,603 --> 01:00:28,471
How much does it weigh?"
927
01:00:28,473 --> 01:00:30,806
"The needle hardly moved."
928
01:00:30,808 --> 01:00:34,410
"Then why can't you
pick it up?"
929
01:00:44,387 --> 01:00:49,725
Then the daughter said,
"I didn't ask to be born!"
930
01:00:51,094 --> 01:00:52,661
And I just got so mad.
931
01:00:52,663 --> 01:00:54,997
I thought
of three things to say,
932
01:00:54,999 --> 01:00:59,401
but none of them would
allow me entry into heaven.
933
01:01:03,907 --> 01:01:09,111
And my wife, in...
934
01:01:09,113 --> 01:01:11,347
Time,
935
01:01:11,349 --> 01:01:15,184
said something
that made me jealous
936
01:01:15,186 --> 01:01:20,556
of her intelligence
and quickness,
937
01:01:20,558 --> 01:01:22,491
'cause the daughter said,
938
01:01:22,493 --> 01:01:24,326
"I didn't ask to be born!"
939
01:01:24,380 --> 01:01:25,157
And my wife said,
940
01:01:25,158 --> 01:01:28,659
"And you're not
what we asked for."
941
01:01:38,204 --> 01:01:40,704
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
942
01:01:40,707 --> 01:02:25,343
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