WOMAN BREATHES HEAVILY
WOMAN SCREAMS
BABY CRIES
That's what'll happen when your baby is born.
Any questions?
Aye. Can I go back in time to before I saw that
and scoop me own eyes out, please?
Yeah?
How soon after that can I nip out for a ciggie?
Only, it's been three months already, like, and I'm clamming.
Don't worry, pet, we'll get you sewn up and out the door
before you can say Lambert & Butler. Any other questions?
Can we have a bang on the gas and air, like? Good question. Thank you.
Sorry, love, you'll have to wait until the birth.
I've got a couple of questions about my cervix. Of course you have.
I'm quite worried that it might not ripen.
No bother for mine.
I've been letting the sun get at it, if you know what I mean.
It's just that my mum's didn't ripen so I'm worried mine won't ripen.
Jesus. Don't need the midwife, we need the man from Del Monte.
Not to worry, flower,
there hasn't been a cervix made I cannot get through.
Right, let's give you a quick tour of the birthing rooms.
You bringing your little lad?
Oh, he's... He's not exactly mine.
No, he's my gift to the world.
Right, on with the tour.
You've seen the birthing pool.
And the good thing is, it's portable, so we can move it about if needs be.
Come this way.
Well, I don't know why you're going.
In my day, we didn't have training weekends.
I mean, you're not selling any houses as it is, Pauline.
They're just going to be training you up to be
an even more qualified failure.
I mean, it's cruel.
Well, if you ask me, the real cruelty is me spending me weekend
with a bunch of estate agents in a Jury's Inn in Birmingham.
Ooh, Birmingham. I got licked by a big dog in Birmingham.
Right. Good to know.
Are you sure you're going to be all right with Joe?
Pauline, I'm capable of looking after me own son.
It'll be like the old days, just him and me.
Take us with you, will you?
If you don't, it'll be like the old days, just me and her.
No, Joe. All your stroke recovery stuff's here.
Your pills, your blood pressure machine,
your squeezy therapy balls...
All right, all right, I'll stay put.
Remember the rules, the pair of you.
No late nights, no parties
and no-one whatsoever in the good room.
I've written all the rules on your hand while you were having a nap.
What if the Queen visits?
Take her in the kitchen and give her a slice of me Vienetta, if you must,
but keep her out of me good room. She's not using my stairlift.
Right, I'm away. Give us a kiss.
Love you, me angel. I love you.
Dorothy.
Pauline.
Vicky! I'm away, I'll be back on Sunday night!
OK! Have fun on your dirty weekend!
It's a training course, not an orgy!
I've written all the rules on your dad!
Joe, remember, if in doubt, talk to the hand.
Love you. Bye.
THEY BREATHE HEAVILY
What are you two doing?
Pelvic floor exercises.
Just like the midwife said.
We're putting in the effort today for a drier tomorrow.
Eight, nine, ten, and we're done!
Cheers.
Drinking, Jack? At lunchtime? That's not like you.
We're just doing what the woman at the antenatal said.
She told you two to go on the lash, did she?
She said, before the baby comes,
it's important to prepare yourself and relax.
She was talking about me and Denise.
And she meant meditation and breathing exercises,
not knocking back pints of lager!
Listen, there's no such thing as bad relaxation.
True that, player.
Right, toilet for me. I'll come too.
Going to the toilet in pairs now, pet?
Ooh! Is Her Ladyship becoming one of the natives?
I'll have you eating kebab-and-chips pizza by teatime.
Do they do that? Is that real? All on one pizza?
You hungry? I'm hungry. Can we get one?
Does this say "album cover"?
It makes you look like a soldier.
Too much like a soldier?
I'm getting a lot of soldier, like.
See, I'd also be holding these.
What are you? Like, a soldier magician?
Are you going to cut the dove in half and then put it back together again?
Be good if you can. Be awful if you can't. No, man.
I'm reflecting me many different facets.
I'm a warrior, but I'm also tender.
What about the chainsaw?
I can use it to chop up wood, like.
Eeh, you're a proper juxtaposition. We've been studying them at college.
Lindsay - me BFF - reckons I'm a juxtaposition.
Cos to look at us, you wouldn't think I would go to college.
But if you see us actually in college,
it's obvious that I've gone.
I was also thinking of me in a suit of armour,
without the codpiece.
Sort of strong yet vulnerable.
Hey, do you not want a picture of us together on the cover?
I mean, it is me that's paying for this album.
Baby, I'd like nothing more but...
this album is my musical legacy.
It's going to echo for all eternity.
Who knows if we'll still be together in...
If you split up with me after I've paid for your stupid album
to be recorded, you'll need more than a bloody codpiece!
Now, am I on the album cover or not?
You can be on the back cover. And the front cover!
Aw, thanks, lover.
That's dead romantic.
So...
Aye, so...
Remember what Pauline said?
Like the back of me hand.
I mean, I've got no plans to go in the good room. Me neither.
I've got zero interest in stretching out on the big sofa
with the football on.
I mean, if you were to go in the good room,
you'd have to hoover it afterwards. I would.
And do the polishing. True.
That could be tiring for a man in your condition. You'd need help.
And what might that cost me?
I suppose, if you were,
hypothetically, to be in the good room,
I could hypothetically have some of the girls over
from the old folks' home in the living room.
Just a few guests?
Not a party per se?
A party? Ooh, no!
Not even hypothetically.
And we wouldn't want to bother Pauline with any of this, would we?
She's got enough on her plate, hasn't she? Bless her.
She has. She has.
Well, why don't you give some of your friends a ring
while I relocate to the good room?
Maybe I should.
DOORBELL RINGS
Maybe you did?
Aye. Maybe.
What you writing for, man? It's Saturday. It's me book. I like to get stuff down as soon as it happens.
This is a very interesting development,
Sarah getting very judgmental about me drinking in the afternoon.
Selfish. I can't believe you've still not told her.
What, that I'm publishing me pregnancy diary?
You mad? She'd go mental. I'd be drowned in a tsunami of hormones.
And fists. Nah, she'll be all right about it, man.
Princess Moodswing? Doubtful. But that's what the publishers like.
It's me unflinching depiction of the madness that is my pregnant missus.
She's bound to find out when the book comes out. Women are like that,
they tend to see things that are right in front of them.
Yeah, but I figure by then she'll be so busy with the baby
she won't have time to worry about my... Complete betrayal of trust?
Yep. That's the thing about me and my Denise.
She's got no secrets from me. If she did, she'd tell us.
Really? Oh, aye.
She told me everything you two got up to when you were going out.
Has she? Aye. Even makes us re-enact some of it.
So you've become me tribute act? I suppose I have.
But I have got some self-respect.
I'll not wear the wig.
WOMEN SHOUT IN OTHER ROOM
DRUNK SINGING IN OTHER ROOM
TECHNO POP MUSIC PLAYS
Make love to me camera, like.
But just do it with your mind, mind.
I'm not feeling this.
We are, though! Come on, show us your sensitive side!
Aye, he means your arse!
Shut up, man!
I think I've heard enough witty banter for one day. Aye, me and all.
Fancy coming with us for a knockabout? Boxing?
No, I've had to knock it on the head since I got pregnant,
we'll just knock about town, like.
Well, I was hoping me and Jack could write out our birth plan
this afternoon... Oi, Gervaise! What website's this going on?
Tonedeafcrooners.com?
..but that's just fallen through.
So, yes, I will have a knockabout.
We're off. Really? I can't tear my eyes away from this car crash.
Don't worry, Sarah, I'll get him back home. Eventually.
Don't get too drunk. Don't worry, gorgeous.
This'll be the soberest all-day drinking session there's ever been.
Remember - toilet before bed.
If I wake up in any more of your little accidents,
I'm going to have to grow gills. Laters.
Hutchy, what's happened? Have you died?
It's Icarus with an ASBO!
Say nowt. Nowt, man.
He's a cherub. Aren't you, Hutchy?
You'll be firing that arrow through my heart in a minute.
Go on, then, take your top off. Hey!
Right, let's get you on set.
Hey, Dr Gervaise. I'm liking this.
Have you got your juxtaposition sorted?
A pig's heart and a bag of chips.
It's like I'm clogging up your heart with my love.
And it might just kill you.
The love, like.
Eeh, I like that. It's deep.
Oh, I know.
DRUNKEN SINGING IN OTHER ROOM
DOORBELL RINGS
Should get away with that.
Arthur. Thank God it's you. I thought it was someone important.
Good afternoon, Joseph. And what a beautiful day it is.
I see you've got your seducing teeth in.
What, these old fangs?
Had them cleaned and polished.
Is Dorothy at home?
She's not alone. She's entertaining.
Oh, well, if another gentleman has her affections,
then that's her prerogative.
No, you're all right, she's got the coven in. You might need
them gnashers once they get hold of you. Howay in.
Have we got a guest?
It's been a while since we had any visitors.
Don't worry, Mam, we're not busted.
It's just loverboy from across the road.
He's polished his prosthetics and everything for you.
Dorothy.
Thank you.
Girls, Arthur's here!
EXCITED CHEERING
Ladies. Enchante.
Oh, man, it's like d'Artagnan versus the dinosaurs. Good luck, mate.
You'll need it.
You know, when I thought of knocking about,
I thought of blitzing the shops.
Maybe getting our nails done.
This wasn't really what I had in mind.
Sarah, man, you need to learn to let your hair down.
Today's going to be banging. Isn't it, girls?
We're going to have it large, aren't we, pet? Aye, we are. Trust us.
We're going to get into more trouble
with the fast and the furious here than we would on our own.
Won't we, ladies? I'm not kidding.
Maud steals things, and Peg's a slave to her glue.
Is that why she took my crisp packet?
Don't worry. She's got low blood pressure.
You're actually doing her a favour. Happy to help.
Right, dinner.
But it's lunch time.
No, it's dinner time. You're not in Downton Abbey now, sweet cheeks.
GEORDIE ACCENT: Proper living in Hebburn, like.
Ooh, proud of your new Geordie words, are you? I am, ya knaa!
You know, I didn't really like you when I first met you.
You hid it so well. What, with you being all up your own arse, like.
Thanks. And taking Jack off me.
You and Jack had split up three years before I met him.
Sarah, when I mark a man, he's mine until I say so.
But you can have him for the time being. Can I?
Right. All-day breakfast then we'll see what these two knitting machines
have come up with for us. For you? What are they doing?
Making sure I never have to set foot in Mothercare ever again.
Whoa, Arthur, what you doing in the good room?
I trust you have the necessary papers?
I thought I might... Hide?
Hide, yes. If that's all right?
If you sit on anything, make sure you hoover,
polish and disinfect it before you stand up.
Actually...I did want to have a word with you, Joseph.
Aye. What word might that be? Might it be "silence"?
I feel that my intentions should be made known.
Unless you're intending on getting the kettle on,
I don't think there's much else I need to know, mate.
My intentions towards Dorothy.
Romantically.
She's a special woman, your mam.
On that we can agree.
And our affection for each other is growing.
Lovely.
Well, that's settled.
So do you think we both might have a go at that silence now?
Look, I can see you're getting defensive about all this,
but I'm here to tell you, Joe, I'm not looking to replace your dad.
Now, look what you made us do! This is what happens
when unauthorised personnel come into the good room!
You're avoiding the issue, Joseph.
As me and Dorothy explore each other, I don't want you to feel
I'm treading on your dad's toes.
Can we not talk about you exploring me mam?
I'm supposed to be relaxing, not discussing me mother's sex life
with a silver fox.
Oh, no, no, we've not consummated the relationship.
I may have caressed the peach
but I have yet to access the stone within, if you catch my drift.
I'm willing another stroke on here.
I give in. That's enough.
Well, don't feel ashamed, pet.
I've seen bigger lasses than you taken down by the all-day breakfast.
Finished!
Good girl.
Do you want them to make you summat?
They're surprisingly quick for women with arthritis.
Mind, sometimes I can't tell
if that clacking noise is their knitting needles or their joints.
Can I buy this little bonnet?
I don't need any money, pet.
What these girls need, you can't buy - hope.
Not a lot of that in the old folks' home, Sarah.
Hope. And they get that from knitting for you how?
Watch.
Oh, my God!
This is gorgeous.
Now, do we think that I should bring me new baby in one day
wearing Maud's delightful cardigan?
Oh, please, Denise, please. That would be lovely.
See? Hope.
Yes. With a side order of free clothes.
Well, we'll be needing something to pop our little miracles in.
And I guess we'll see if it's as bad being a mam as my mam made out.
Why, what did she say?
She said it was the hardest job in the world,
and that I drove her up the wall.
And that she hated every second of it.
But then that was me mother.
Played her cards very close to her chest.
When did she say all this?
Mainly birthdays, Christmas.
That's if she wasn't off with one of my short-term uncles.
My mother was both emotionally distant
and stifling at the same time. You what?
It's not that I felt unloved, I think she was just frightened
to engage on a genuine emotional level,
almost as if she were actually repressing her maternal instinct.
Oh, boo-hoo, Tinkerbell. And then what happened next?
Did your pony not learn to talk?
Point taken.
So, not long now.
Me and you will be pushing buggies along on a Saturday.
We'll not be sat in here. No.
No, we'll have to take them on the smoking terrace.
Get them a bit of fresh air.
Are you not worried about being a dad again?
I'm terrified, me, like. Don't be scared, man.
Children have to be about nine or ten
before they can hit you effectively.
I want me kid to listen to us
and not make the mistakes I've made.
The haircut? No, man, in life!
I want to have this baby more than anything but I don't know
if I'm ready to be a father. No, man.
Kids virtually raise themselves. Take my lad.
You just leave food out for him a couple of times a day.
He's a bit like a cat that can swear.
Same again, is it?
Excuse me, man. Sorry about that. No bother, mate.
I'm looking for Vicky Pearson. Who are you, like?
Lindsay. We're at college together.
You're Lindsay?
Eeh! Hiya!
Gervaise, this is Lindsay. Lindsay, this is Gervaise.
Hey, great to meet you, man. Hi...
You're a beautiful man.
I mean...good to meet you, mate.
Vicky says you're quite the singer. I love live music.
You doing a set tonight? Yeah, I might be.
Howay, man, Gervaise, it's your Belter Ballads night.
I'm just going to pull my pants up.
I wish I could sing. My musical skills are more piano, harp, viola.
Right.
Do a little bit of DJ-ing too.
You know, grime, garage.
I mainly do the DJ-ing for charity.
Yeah, right. Grimey charity. Good.
I knew you two'd get on.
You've got so much in common.
♪ She smiled at me on the subway
♪ She was with another man
♪ But I won't lose no sleep on that
♪ Cos I've got a plan
VOICE BREAKING: ♪ You're beautiful
♪ You're beautiful... ♪
PHONE RINGS
Hi, Mam, what's up?
Where are you? Has there been an accident?
It sounds as if someone's in pain.
Hang on, he'll be done in a minute.
♪..With you. ♪
There's another modern classic ruined. How's the conference?
Are you suitably conferred? It's great.
They give you little chocolates
with your coffee and, eeh, Jack, the buffet.
I nearly cried when I saw it, magnificent.
Sounds like you're learning a lot, then. How's Sarah?
She was worried about her cervix when I spoke to her yesterday.
I told her about my mine when I had you.
It was like a pumice stone.
There's no real reason to tell me, is there?
Well, you're in a delightful mood. Put her on, will you?
I can't, she's out with Denise.
Denise? Are you sure that's a good idea?
What's the worst that can happen? Either Sarah gets a fake tan
or Denise'll start chewing with her mouth closed.
Listen, Jack, the reason I've rung is, I want you to go round
and check on your dad and your gran, make sure they're all right.
Why don't you just phone them and ask?
Because, Jack, neither of them is capable of telling the truth.
Fair point.
So I want you to act as if you are part of this family
and go check on the people you love.
Mam, what's this really about?
Aw, Jack, there's someone in me good room.
I can feel it, pet.
She tells me in her younger days she could bend herself all ways.
Listen, mate, you do what you want,
but for the love of God, keep it to yourself.
You're over-reacting, Joe.
Physical love between senior citizens is part of nature.
Well, it's not a part of nature that I want to visit! Now get off!
We're all dead.
It'll glue back together. She'll know!
What's happened? I heard a fracturing!
Your fancy man here has broken one of Pauline's ornaments!
That's what's happened!
It'll glue back together.
She'll know!
That's it, then! There'll be no more Mrs Nice Pauline. You'll see.
She'll have plastic covers made for the sofa. And for the carpet.
And us!
We'll all be in clear PVC tombs, and all because of your boyfriend!
Arthur, how could you?
It was an accident.
I was trying to explain to Joseph that our dalliance may be
taking the next step forward.
He overreacted!
Overreacted!? I'm supposed to be recuperating!
Instead, I've got a bloody wrinkly rave kicking off next door
and Tyneside Casanova here smashing up the good room!
Man, you've been here one week and already everything's ruined!
You never were a gracious host, Joe! Never!
All right, pet, see you later.
Sarah says she's at yours, so we'll pop round there for a nightcap
once I've tucked the invalids in, like.
Mind you, they might already be in bed.
INSIDE: This is my house, that I've slaved all me life for!
And I'm buggered if I'm going to have it turned into some
kind of shag pad for you and the Laughing Cavalier here.
Well, maybe I could do with some love in me life
because I'm on short rations from me family!
Right! Two questions. One, what is going on?
Two, why's it going on in the good room?
He was rude to my guest!
This guest here has smashed one of your mam's ornaments
and he keeps banging on about licking her peach stone...
Whoa! That's plenty! Right, what's broken?
It'll glue back together.
She'll know.
It's her fault! It's his fault!
It's both of your faults!
If mam finds out about this, we are all knackered.
You lot, get back in there and straighten things up!
And you, ornament assassin, I suggest you spend the night
with some superglue and tweezers, otherwise, when me mam gets back,
you'll have a few fractures of your own to deal with.
As you wish.
Dorothy, I shall see you on the morrow.
Ah! That'll do mate, that'll do.
Thanks, come on, shift it, son, shift it.
You two - all you had to do was follow her rules.
That's all you had to do.
And now the sanctity of the good room is broken, and I don't
even want to think what's been going off in the living room.
Don't get angry, son.
That's the thing, Dad. I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.
Isn't that usually what I say?
Aye, it is, but it's my turn now.
So I suppose I am ready to be a father after all.
Joseph, tidy away your shite.
Can I smell mini pork pie? No.
I should hope not.
Dorothy, get a hoover strapped to that wheelchair and get to work.
Well, I suppose I could give it a quick once around.
We'll be off, Dot. Oi, Charlie's Angels, you're going nowhere.
Get them coats off and start polishing! Come on!
Denise, man, not again, I'm still sore.
All right, Jack? How was it?
Great, actually. I'm going to be a father.
With your nan?!
No, man, with Sarah, but, like, I'm going to be an actual father.
You know, it's nights like this that shows how much I need Sarah,
if only to show us what the word "normal" means.
We're back! Sarah, you would not believe what I've just seen!
Jack, you have to try this.
Always room for one more, Jackie boy.
Is this from the hospital? Did you nick this?
Jack, I don't nick things any more. We've just...borrowed it.
We'll give it back when the baby's...older.
Kebab-and-chip pizza.
♪ Shoot that poison arrow
♪ To my heart
♪ Shoot that poison arrow
♪ To my heart
♪ Shoot that poison arrow
♪ No rhythm in cymbals
♪ No tempo in drums
♪ Love on arrival
♪ She comes when she comes... ♪