[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Upbeat music plays ]
>> ♪ Feels so good this morning ♪ ♪ I want to leap before I look
around ♪
♪ I know that I'm falling
♪ I think it's what this life's
about ♪
♪ what you say is infatuation
♪ call it passion
♪ no sin, no crime
♪ in fact, I'm truly grateful
♪ promise of love seems so
alive ♪
♪ let's see
♪ take it outside
and kick the wheels ♪
♪ I'm in
♪ for keeps
♪ I just don't fall this
easily ♪
♪ just don't fall this easily
♪ don't fall so hard
for everyone I meet ♪
♪ you say you're my teacher
♪ it must be time
for my next lesson ♪
♪ I've been trying to reach
you ♪
♪ you want to buy in to my
obsession ♪
♪ let's see
♪ take it outside
and kick the wheels ♪
♪ I'm in
♪ for keeps
♪ I just don't fall this
easily ♪
♪ just don't fall this easily
♪ don't fall so hard
for everyone I meet ♪
♪ I meet
♪ I'm so in love
♪ being in love
♪ I'm old enough
♪ to know I'll be just fine
♪ you called it off
♪ don't have my life over
♪ give myself to walk a bit
♪ I just last forever
♪ I know there's no way
to be free ♪
♪ let's see
♪ take it outside
and kick the wheels ♪
♪ I'm in
♪ for keeps
♪ I just don't fall this
easily ♪
♪ just don't fall this easily
♪ don't fall so hard
for everyone I meet ♪
>> all righty.
For everyone I meet ♪ >> all righty. Two matzo balls just like you
like it.
>> Always taking care of me.
Like it. >> Always taking care of me. You.
>> Hey, anything for my most
you. >> Hey, anything for my most beautiful customer, huh?
[ tab clicking ]
Beautiful customer, huh? [ tab clicking ] >> I left you a nice tip today.
[ Tab clicking ] >> I left you a nice tip today. >> Oh, Leo, you don't have to do
that.
Thank you.
That. Thank you. Thank you so much.
>> My pleasure.
>> See you later, buddy.
>> Thank you.
Hold on one second.
>> Uh...
>> Excuse me. One sec.
You know, aluminum is not good
>> excuse me. One sec. You know, aluminum is not good for you.
>> Waiter?
For you. >> Waiter? Hey, excuse me, buddy.
>> Is there something wrong with
hey, excuse me, buddy. >> Is there something wrong with my fork?
>> No, just your stock choice's
future.
>> Oh. Well, your future
involves topping off my coffee,
>> oh. Well, your future involves topping off my coffee, okay?
Involves topping off my coffee, okay? [ laughter ]
Okay? [ laughter ] >> [ chuckles ]
[ Laughter ] >> [ chuckles ] Aluminum's stable.
>> [ Chuckles ] Aluminum's stable. There's just no growth potential
aluminum's stable. There's just no growth potential in it.
>> Wait, wait! Hold on a second.
In it. >> Wait, wait! Hold on a second. Hold on, hold on.
Back it up.
>> Unbelievable.
>> That is exactly what my
>> unbelievable. >> That is exactly what my consultant said last night.
>> And I bet he charged you more
than the $6.95 lunch special for
>> and I bet he charged you more than the $6.95 lunch special for that.
Than the $6.95 lunch special for that. >> Yeah, he did.
That. >> Yeah, he did. >> Okay.
So, say you were her.
What would you bet on?
>> I would go with...
That one.
>> [ chuckles ]
You're kidding, right?
>> [ Chuckles ] You're kidding, right? That's nickel stuff.
>> Simitek's about to shake
that's nickel stuff. >> Simitek's about to shake hands with them next week.
That means, by Friday, those
nickels are gonna be worth
that means, by Friday, those nickels are gonna be worth millions.
Nickels are gonna be worth millions. >> Can you send a waiter over?
Millions. >> Can you send a waiter over? >> Wow!
That's impressive.
>> You ain't seen nothing yet.
>> Mike, table 57 is yours.
They need something. Go.
>> Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.
Um, so, um...
What are you doing later
um, so, um... What are you doing later tonight?
Maybe you want to show me
something I haven't seen yet.
>> Wow! Ha!
Something I haven't seen yet. >> Wow! Ha! Okay.
Um, I think I will be at home...
With my girlfriend...
>> Oh.
>> ...My very jealous, very --
>> oh. >> ...My very jealous, very -- >> hey, waiter dude.
>> Yeah, casanova.
>> Hey, waiter dude. >> Yeah, casanova. >> It's "mike"!
>> Mike.
>> Mike Christian, and he's very
religious.
>> Yeah, well, I'd pray to that.
Religious. >> Yeah, well, I'd pray to that. [ laughter ]
>> And very busy, okay?
[ Laughter ] >> And very busy, okay? Still waiterless.
>> Going, going, going.
>> Wait, Mike.
>> This is ridiculous.
Unreal.
>> No, no, no.
>> Sir, I apologize.
>> No, no, no.
>> No, I'm sorry.
>> I don't want your apology.
We have a business meeting.
>> He's just a trainee, please.
>> I'll say he's a trainee.
>> Please, let me take your
order. Gentlemen --
>> please, let me take your order. Gentlemen -- >> a trainee, really.
Order. Gentlemen -- >> a trainee, really. Wow.
>> A trainee, really. Wow. [ coughs ]
You know what?
[ Coughs ] You know what? I don't feel so good.
I think I got to go.
>> If you dare take that tie
off, you're fired, okay?
Keep it on and clean the table!
Off, you're fired, okay? Keep it on and clean the table! >> What seems to be the problem?
>> He wants to get fired,
>> what seems to be the problem? >> He wants to get fired, Mr. lipnick.
He's already chased out four of
our regular customers.
>> I know -- four coffee-only
customers.
Those people have been hogging
that table every day now for a
those people have been hogging that table every day now for a week.
That table every day now for a week. I wondered who had the balls to
throw them out.
Good business sense, Michael.
Throw them out. Good business sense, Michael. You're my man.
>> Thank you.
>> Come here. Let's talk.
>> Michael, my granddaughter
>> come here. Let's talk. >> Michael, my granddaughter delilah is at a conference at
university hall.
Delilah is at a conference at university hall. Do you think you could pick her
up for us?
>> Absolutely.
Up for us? >> Absolutely. >> ♪ yeah, yeah
>> absolutely. >> ♪ yeah, yeah >> although it's rare, at the
turn of the last century, the
divorce rate grew for a number
of justifiable reasons.
Divorce rate grew for a number of justifiable reasons. People are alcoholics, drug
addicts, physically abusive to
people are alcoholics, drug addicts, physically abusive to their spouse or children --
these are situations where
separation is often best for all
involved.
Separation is often best for all involved. But divorce and its acceptance
have changed with the times.
On their wedding day, couples
often still say, "till death do
on their wedding day, couples often still say, "till death do us part," but after time passes,
the initial attraction often
fades.
The initial attraction often fades. The perfect spouse all of a
sudden is a normal person with
the perfect spouse all of a sudden is a normal person with human flaws.
Sudden is a normal person with human flaws. Recurring arguments, attraction
to a co-worker, or simple
recurring arguments, attraction to a co-worker, or simple boredom can lead to
irreconcilable differences.
Boredom can lead to irreconcilable differences. Divorce is a lazy way out.
Irreconcilable differences. Divorce is a lazy way out. Divorce is a shortcut solution.
>> Wake up, grandma.
It's the 21st century.
That's the way it goes.
[ laughter ]
>> What about children?
[ Laughter ] >> What about children? Doesn't our future depend on
>> what about children? Doesn't our future depend on them?
Divorce can have a devastating
effect on a child, as my case
divorce can have a devastating effect on a child, as my case studies attest.
Effect on a child, as my case studies attest. [ door opens ]
Studies attest. [ door opens ] I can also personally attest to
this because I come from a
broken family.
This because I come from a broken family. I was raised by my grandparents,
and not that they didn't take
care of me, because they did,
but I still wish that my parents
were there, too.
But I still wish that my parents were there, too. >> And your solution?
>> Take it seriously. Marriage is work. Marriage is for life.
If you are willing to make the
marriage is for life. If you are willing to make the commitment, you have to be
if you are willing to make the commitment, you have to be prepared to go the distance.
Commitment, you have to be prepared to go the distance. >> Excuse me.
Prepared to go the distance. >> Excuse me. Um, did you major in sociology
>> excuse me. Um, did you major in sociology or did you major in fantasy?
[ laughter ]
Or did you major in fantasy? [ laughter ] You make it sound like a jail
sentence without the parole.
[ laughter ]
Sentence without the parole. [ laughter ] >> Look, buddy, no need to
worry.
From the looks of it, the only
lifelong commitment you'll have
from the looks of it, the only lifelong commitment you'll have is with your right hand.
Lifelong commitment you'll have is with your right hand. >> Ohh!
Is with your right hand. >> Ohh! [ laughter ]
>> Shit.
[ Laughter ] >> Shit. Thank you.
That's, uh -- that's it.
That's all.
>> Thank God.
>> [ clapping ]
[ Door opens ] >> Honey, slow down. >> I worked my butt off for
>> honey, slow down. >> I worked my butt off for three years on that thesis.
I interviewed hundreds of
couples, and all it takes is a
couple of idiots in the audience
to make it all seem like a joke!
Couple of idiots in the audience to make it all seem like a joke! And you seem to have no opinion
about it.
>> Well, if it's one thing I've
learned from you, it's when to
>> well, if it's one thing I've learned from you, it's when to keep my mouth shut.
Learned from you, it's when to keep my mouth shut. >> Okay, then.
Keep my mouth shut. >> Okay, then. Fine. Let's -- let's be honest.
I can handle it.
Tell me the truth.
>> The truth?
>> Yeah.
>> Well, I think some of those
>> yeah. >> Well, I think some of those guys had some...
Pretty valid points.
Guys had some... Pretty valid points. >> Why don't you just admit it?
You don't respect my academic
>> why don't you just admit it? You don't respect my academic research!
>> No! It's just thousands of theses sit in a library gathering dust.
Theses sit in a library gathering dust. You know, they change nothing.
Gathering dust. You know, they change nothing. The world goes on as if they
you know, they change nothing. The world goes on as if they were never even written.
>> Yeah, but out of those
thousands, one of those papers
>> yeah, but out of those thousands, one of those papers had the formula for electricity
on it.
Had the formula for electricity on it. >> It did?
On it. >> It did? >> So how do you know that mine
>> it did? >> So how do you know that mine won't be that one, huh?
I mean, if it could just change
one mind, it would all be
worth it.
One mind, it would all be worth it. [ scoffs ]
Worth it. [ scoffs ] Why am I wasting my time talking
to you?
What would a college dropout
care about this stuff anyway?
>> Hey, I am a proud dropout,
okay?
College is a waste of time.
Okay? College is a waste of time. Four, five, six years of endless
college is a waste of time. Four, five, six years of endless side roads and pointless
four, five, six years of endless side roads and pointless detours.
Side roads and pointless detours. My theory for life is simple --
shortcuts.
>> Shortcuts.
>> You know what? This has been too much academic debate for one day.
>> I'm sorry, Mike, okay?
Debate for one day. >> I'm sorry, Mike, okay? I just had a really rough day.
[ sighs ]
>> How about some margaritas at
the deck bar?
>> [ sighs ]
The deck bar? >> [ sighs ] >> And then how about a massage
by the expert hands of a
>> and then how about a massage by the expert hands of a Kansas City farm boy?
By the expert hands of a Kansas City farm boy? If the client is not completely
satisfied, she can return the
if the client is not completely satisfied, she can return the massage to the massager.
Satisfied, she can return the massage to the massager. >> Thank God.
>> Hey, babe. >> Hi, honey. >> How are you?
>> [ sighs ] Tired.
>> Mm.
>> [ Sighs ] Tired. >> Mm. >> Hi.
>> Mm. Hi.
Look what I brought you.
>> Oh, you're sweet, but I'm so
look what I brought you. >> Oh, you're sweet, but I'm so icky from the restaurant.
I just -- I really want to go in
to take a shower.
>> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
To take a shower. >> Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What's the -- what's the rush,
wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the -- what's the rush, huh?
This is a gorgeous evening, huh?
Huh? This is a gorgeous evening, huh? >> Ha! It's L.A.
they are all gorgeous evenings.
>> Yeah, but, um, this is an
especially romantic evening,
>> yeah, but, um, this is an especially romantic evening, isn't it?
Especially romantic evening, isn't it? Clear --
>> not so much 'cause we're
clear -- >> not so much 'cause we're right by the dumpster, and the
trash guy forgot to stop on our
street again.
Trash guy forgot to stop on our street again. So, listen, I'm gonna go in, I'm
gonna take a shower, and then
so, listen, I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna take a shower, and then maybe I can muster a little
romance for you.
Maybe I can muster a little romance for you. >> Hold -- hold on.
Romance for you. >> Hold -- hold on. >> Okay.
>> What's the rush?
>> I got to go!
I'm gross.
>> Crap.
>> Aah!
>> Aah! Aah!
>> Ohh! Come on!
>> ♪ Do, do do do, do do do ♪ do, do do, do do do dude, you don't have to leave,
all right?
Dude, you don't have to leave, all right? You just can't put me on watch
dog anymore, all right?
>> [ laughs ]
Dog anymore, all right? >> [ laughs ] Yeah. I mean, you are more than
welcome to stay with us whenever
yeah. I mean, you are more than welcome to stay with us whenever you want.
Welcome to stay with us whenever you want. You and Scotty have known each
other since birth.
I only barged into your lives
about a year ago.
>> Barging in on me was not
cool.
>> [ chuckles ]
Cool. >> [ chuckles ] >> I know.
>> [ Chuckles ] >> I know. I'm sorry, but, you know, you
can't barge in and expect to
become one of them in six
months, either.
Become one of them in six months, either. >> "One of them"?
Months, either. >> "One of them"? "Them"?
What -- what does that even
"them"? What -- what does that even mean?
Really?
Mean? Really? Dylan and I are in love.
Okay?
Why you guys so worried about
okay? Why you guys so worried about this now?
>> Dude, she's the one who got
you the lipnick job, remember?
She just don't want to get fired
when the Christian shit hits the
she just don't want to get fired when the Christian shit hits the jewish fan.
When the Christian shit hits the jewish fan. >> No. No, I'm not worried about
that.
I am a phenomenal waitress, but
I am worried about you.
I mean, if you're really
considering marrying Dylan, I
just might think again.
Considering marrying Dylan, I just might think again. Her grandparents are very
old school.
I mean, they are
super-super-religious.
>> So?
Super-super-religious. >> So? My parents are super-religious.
They don't care if I marry a
my parents are super-religious. They don't care if I marry a jewish girl.
>> Mike, are you sure? Huh?
Jewish girl. >> Mike, are you sure? Huh? 'Cause growing in punkton,
Kansas, I doubt anybody could
'cause growing in punkton, Kansas, I doubt anybody could tell jewish from amish.
Remember facial hair?
Tell jewish from amish. Remember facial hair? If you had facial hair, you were
remember facial hair? If you had facial hair, you were an alien from outer space.
True story.
An alien from outer space. True story. >> Scotty, you can't change my
true story. >> Scotty, you can't change my mind on this, okay?
She's...
Mind on this, okay? She's... [ breathes deeply ]
She's just made for me.
[ Breathes deeply ] She's just made for me. >> She's made for you.
Hey, man, um, what happened to
>> she's made for you. Hey, man, um, what happened to the Mike I used to know, huh?
The one who would only take the
richest dude's daughter to the
the one who would only take the richest dude's daughter to the prom?
Richest dude's daughter to the prom? Where's he at?
Prom? Where's he at? Can I see him?
>> Yeah.
>> I miss him.
>> And what happened to the
stock broker who wouldn't even
>> and what happened to the stock broker who wouldn't even take a woman out to coffee
without looking at her profile
first?
Without looking at her profile first? >> Ah.
First? >> Ah. Hmm?
>> He grew up.
He fell in love.
Besides, do not underestimate
he fell in love. Besides, do not underestimate the potential of this
besides, do not underestimate the potential of this restaurant.
The potential of this restaurant. We are really close to
franchising this.
>> Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.
Franchising this. >> Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay. See, I thought -- I thought
>> oh, oh, oh, okay, okay. See, I thought -- I thought amigo was in love with señorita,
see, I thought -- I thought amigo was in love with señorita, not the restaurante.
Amigo was in love with señorita, not the restaurante. Amigo in love with señorita, not
the restaurante.
♪ boop ba-da-doop, ba-da-doop
♪ amigo in love with señorita
♪ not the restaurante
♪ boop, ba-da-boop, ba-da-boop
>> Scotty, don't be a schmuck!
♪ Boop, ba-da-boop, ba-da-boop >> Scotty, don't be a schmuck! Besides, I'm thinking about Paul
and Elaine in this whole thing.
I mean, how can they say no to a
guy who is about to
revolutionize their family
business?
Revolutionize their family business? >> Family business?
Business? >> Family business? [ laughs ]
You would have to die and be
reborn jewish for them to
you would have to die and be reborn jewish for them to consider you family.
Reborn jewish for them to consider you family. >> Oy! Please!
Consider you family. >> Oy! Please! I could be as jewish as they
>> oy! Please! I could be as jewish as they wanted me to be!
[ stomps foot ]
Wanted me to be! [ stomps foot ] >> [ chuckles ]
[ Stomps foot ] >> [ chuckles ] >> Just wait until you see
Jeremy.
>> Who?
>> The bicycle guy?
>> Yeah.
The lipnicks totally drool over
>> yeah. The lipnicks totally drool over him.
Okay? He's straight out of
frickin' "fiddler on the roof."
And now that he's back in town,
they're gonna try to set Dylan
and now that he's back in town, they're gonna try to set Dylan up with him.
They're gonna try to set Dylan up with him. Just wait and see.
Up with him. Just wait and see. [ klezmer music playing ]
>> Sweetheart, we need to buy more sugar packets. >> I know.
More sugar packets. >> I know. And we're running out of baked
apples.
>> Oh, I thought we had so many.
Apples. >> Oh, I thought we had so many. >> No, we don't.
>> What about the halva?
The halva -- chocolate-covered
>> what about the halva? The halva -- chocolate-covered halva.
>> Oh, I love it.
Halva. >> Oh, I love it. >> Yeah.
>> A lot of people like it.
>> Oh, I'm sorry.
We're actually not open yet.
>> Oh, I'm not a customer.
I'm family.
>> Would you mind telling me who
you're related to?
>> Look who's here.
You're related to? >> Look who's here. Jeremy!
Bubala!
>> Jeremy!
>> Paul! Ooh!
Bubbie Elaine.
Good to see you.
>> Good to see you.
>> I brought you these -- to
>> good to see you. >> I brought you these -- to congratulate you on delilah's
graduation.
Congratulate you on delilah's graduation. >> How nice of you to remember.
Graduation. >> How nice of you to remember. >> Where is our beautiful
>> how nice of you to remember. >> Where is our beautiful delilah?
>> She's not here now.
Delilah? >> She's not here now. But you are -- join us for
>> she's not here now. But you are -- join us for lunch.
>> Oh, we have some delicious
food here.
>> There is nothing I would love
more than grandma's delicious
>> there is nothing I would love more than grandma's delicious tongue on rye.
More than grandma's delicious tongue on rye. >> Oh! [ laughing ]
Tongue on rye. >> Oh! [ laughing ] >> But, unfortunately, I have to
>> oh! [ laughing ] >> But, unfortunately, I have to run.
I'll be back later, though, to
pick up delilah.
She doesn't know it yet, but...
Pick up delilah. She doesn't know it yet, but... I got her tickets to see the
she doesn't know it yet, but... I got her tickets to see the symphony at the Hollywood bowl.
>> Wonderful!
Symphony at the Hollywood bowl. >> Wonderful! >> Fabulous!
>> Michael, would you put these
>> fabulous! >> Michael, would you put these lovely flowers in some water,
please?
Lovely flowers in some water, please? He's our new assistant manager.
Please? He's our new assistant manager. >> [ sighs ]
>> Hi. Mike.
>> [ Sighs ] >> Hi. Mike. Mike Christian.
>> Jeremy.
Jeremy jew.
>> Stop it.
[ laughter ]
>> Yeah, that's funny.
[ Laughter ] >> Yeah, that's funny. Uh, Christian is my real last
>> yeah, that's funny. Uh, Christian is my real last name, actually.
>> Well, jew's mine, too.
Name, actually. >> Well, jew's mine, too. And if you believe that, I got a
>> well, jew's mine, too. And if you believe that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd love to
and if you believe that, I got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd love to sell you.
Bridge in Brooklyn I'd love to sell you. [ laughter ]
Sell you. [ laughter ] >> Got it. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] >> Got it. Yeah. Uh, Dylan's at the dentist right
>> got it. Yeah. Uh, Dylan's at the dentist right now, and actually, you know, I
uh, Dylan's at the dentist right now, and actually, you know, I think she has plans later.
Now, and actually, you know, I think she has plans later. >> Really?
Think she has plans later. >> Really? I thought you were the assistant
>> really? I thought you were the assistant manager.
What, are you her personal
secretary, too?
[ laughter ]
Secretary, too? [ laughter ] >> No, I'm her boyfriend.
[ Laughter ] >> No, I'm her boyfriend. >> What?
Wh-what did you say?
>> Paul, Elaine, I didn't want
wh-what did you say? >> Paul, Elaine, I didn't want you guys to find out like this.
I mean, you guys have taken me
in, and you've treated me like
family.
In, and you've treated me like family. But I guess now is as good a
time as any.
[ breathes deeply ]
Time as any. [ breathes deeply ] I'm in love with your
granddaughter.
>> In love?
Granddaughter. >> In love? >> [ speaking yiddish ]
>> You're fired! Get out!
>> [ Speaking yiddish ] >> You're fired! Get out! >> Paul, let me explain.
>> Out!
>> We don't want to see you. Go.
>> What's going on?
>> Um...There's just one question I need to ask you before I leave.
Question I need to ask you before I leave. Dylan lipnick, I want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
Will you marry me?
The rest of my life with you. Will you marry me? >> No!
>> No! No!
>> I'm serious.
I'm committed.
I need your answer -- yes or no?
>> [ Sighs ] >> Oh, my God. Yes!
>> Yes?
>> Yes!
>> Are you serious?!
>> Oh, but --
>> are you serious?! >> Oh, but -- >> no.
>> This is a sham!
>> No. >> This is a sham! Those flowers Jeremy brought for
>> this is a sham! Those flowers Jeremy brought for you.
>> Then that's what the invites
will say -- "flowers by
>> then that's what the invites will say -- "flowers by Jeremy -- Jeremy jew."
Will say -- "flowers by Jeremy -- Jeremy jew." You know what?
Jeremy was even kind enough to
you know what? Jeremy was even kind enough to buy concert tickets.
>> Yes.
Buy concert tickets. >> Yes. >> For us.
>> No!
>> No?
>> Yes.
>> Delilah...
>> Thank you.
>> ...I want to see you in my
>> thank you. >> ...I want to see you in my booth right now.
>> Come on.
>> Oy.
>> You've known this man for only a few months, and now you're ready to marry him?
Only a few months, and now you're ready to marry him? What do you know about him?
You're ready to marry him? What do you know about him? >> I know he's a good man with a
what do you know about him? >> I know he's a good man with a brilliant head on his shoulders.
He's a self-directed man with
ambition and dreams.
And he loves me to bits,
grandpa.
What more can I ask for?
Grandpa. What more can I ask for? >> Jeremy waited years for you
what more can I ask for? >> Jeremy waited years for you to finish school.
At least you could've given it a
try, gone out with him,
at least you could've given it a try, gone out with him, something.
Try, gone out with him, something. >> He's not my type, grandma.
Something. >> He's not my type, grandma. He's too...
>> Too what?
>> I don't -- I don't know.
He's too...
>> Jewish?
Too jewish?
Like all those worthless people
too jewish? Like all those worthless people in our family?
Like all the generations who
suffered so you could have a
like all the generations who suffered so you could have a better life?
Suffered so you could have a better life? Like us, I suppose?
>> Come here, sweetheart. Listen to me. I have never seen your grandpa
listen to me. I have never seen your grandpa this hurt.
Please, just let it go for a
while.
Let it be.
While. Let it be. All right?
>> They've given up so much to give me a better life. And what do I do in return?
Give me a better life. And what do I do in return? I crush them.
[ Exhaling sharply ] >> Okay, so, I want to go through an authentic conversion,
>> okay, so, I want to go through an authentic conversion, one that follows the most
ancient of rituals.
One that follows the most ancient of rituals. >> You do understand that this
will require a circumcision,
>> you do understand that this will require a circumcision, yeah?
Will require a circumcision, yeah? >> Yes, I do.
Yeah? >> Yes, I do. >> And you're kidding me, right?
It's a joke.
Oh, I get it.
This is an episode of a reality
oh, I get it. This is an episode of a reality show, and I'm in it.
And I bet you my Agent set it
up.
Max?
Up. Max? Max, where are you, you little
rat?
Max?
Rat? Max? No?
>> No.
>> You're serious.
All right, I have to explain
>> you're serious. All right, I have to explain what it is.
We don't have to take off the
whole megillah.
We got to make a cut.
Whole megillah. We got to make a cut. But there's gonna be some blood,
we got to make a cut. But there's gonna be some blood, there's gonna be a scalpel,
but there's gonna be some blood, there's gonna be a scalpel, there's gonna be an owie on your
pee-pee, all right?
There's gonna be an owie on your pee-pee, all right? I got a question to ask you.
Pee-pee, all right? I got a question to ask you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much
pain can you take it?
>> 8.5.
Pain can you take it? >> 8.5. >> No, no.
No, no, no.
Not 8.5.
I'm -- I'm more of like a 2.1
not 8.5. I'm -- I'm more of like a 2.1 kind of guy.
>> You said you were in love.
Kind of guy. >> You said you were in love. >> And this is your best friend,
>> you said you were in love. >> And this is your best friend, yeah?
>> 8.5.
Yeah? >> 8.5. >> Okay.
For love.
>> Hey, kid.
>> 8.5.
>> Drink to that.
Under strict rabbinical law, I
>> drink to that. Under strict rabbinical law, I have to tell you, you've got to
under strict rabbinical law, I have to tell you, you've got to ask me three times so I can do
it.
Ask me three times so I can do it. >> Please?
It. >> Please? >> No.
>> Please?
>> No.
>> Please?
>> Okay! That's all right.
We're gonna do it.
All right.
And I'm gonna sing to you like a
all right. And I'm gonna sing to you like a father would sing to his little
and I'm gonna sing to you like a father would sing to his little jewish boy.
Father would sing to his little jewish boy. [ singing in hebrew ]
>> Wow! [ chuckles ] I feel jewish already. Oh, look!
My foreskin just fell off!
Ha ha!
No, it -- it didn't.
You still have to cut it off.
>> You look jewish a little bit.
Welcome, welcome, my dear friends. Good afternoon.
Friends. Good afternoon. Today, we're going to have a
good afternoon. Today, we're going to have a ceremony which you will never
today, we're going to have a ceremony which you will never forget the rest of your life, I
assure you.
Forget the rest of your life, I assure you. We have a young man outside of
our shul but with a great deal
we have a young man outside of our shul but with a great deal of love in his heart, who has
come here today to express his
love and admiration for our
religion.
Love and admiration for our religion. He wants to be converted in the
most traditional way -- with our
he wants to be converted in the most traditional way -- with our oldest ritual, the bris.
>> Rabbi.
>> Are you comfortable? >> Yeah. Are you comfortable?
>> I make a living.
Are you confident?
>> Yeah.
Are you confident?
>> They're not gonna cut me.
[ chanting in hebrew ]
[ Singing in hebrew ]
>> Aaaaaaaah! >> Boychick, how you feeling? See?
Wasn't so bad.
>> Yeah.
Not so bad.
>> Heimlich.
>> [ chuckles ]
So, we have some oils here
that'll make you feel better.
We have everything from
something that's soothing and
we have everything from something that's soothing and gentle to healing and stinging.
Something that's soothing and gentle to healing and stinging. >> How about some wine?
Gentle to healing and stinging. >> How about some wine? [ sighs ]
>> You're serious?
[ Sighs ] >> You're serious? All right.
>> He's chosen wine.
>> Wine it is.
Don't worry.
>> You're a brave young man.
>> Oh, yes.
Here we go.
>> Aaaaaah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
[ Applause ] >> Mazel tov. >> Thank you.
Thank you.
>> Mazel tov.
>> Oh. Oh, you came.
Oh, that means so much to me.
Dylan -- Dylan loves you so
oh, that means so much to me. Dylan -- Dylan loves you so much, and she was afraid you
weren't gonna accept me and...
Much, and she was afraid you weren't gonna accept me and... Thank you.
Weren't gonna accept me and... Thank you. >> Who told you this
thank you. >> Who told you this Daniel nudnick was qualified to
>> who told you this Daniel nudnick was qualified to do this?
You need to study six mon--
>> yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
I know. I am studying.
>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I know. I am studying. I just couldn't stay away from
my Dylan that long.
>> Excuse me.
My Dylan that long. >> Excuse me. >> Oh, uh, Paul?
Let's keep this a surprise,
>> oh, uh, Paul? Let's keep this a surprise, between us.
Careful. [ applause ]
>> Okay, I'll be right back with some pepper. Do you need anything else?
Some pepper. Do you need anything else? >> Just that.
>> Okay, all right, great.
>> Hey. Where's Mike?
>> Oh, um, why don't you ask our
>> hey. Where's Mike? >> Oh, um, why don't you ask our new head manager?
Proudest jew on the block.
>> Why would you do that? Hire him as head manager? No matter what you say or do, I
hire him as head manager? No matter what you say or do, I am never going out with him.
>> Well, sorry to hear that, but
maybe you should tell him
>> well, sorry to hear that, but maybe you should tell him yourself.
Maybe you should tell him yourself. >> Go ahead. Tell him.
>> Look, I know that this might disappoint you, but will you please just leave me alone?
Disappoint you, but will you please just leave me alone? >> Oy!
Please just leave me alone? >> Oy! What am I, chopped liver?
Fine. I'm leaving.
I don't need your tsuris.
>> Mike?
What is this?
>> Yesterday was a surprise -- a
what is this? >> Yesterday was a surprise -- a profound surprise for us, as
>> yesterday was a surprise -- a profound surprise for us, as well.
Profound surprise for us, as well. He put himself through the whole
nine yards, including a
he put himself through the whole nine yards, including a traditional bris.
Nine yards, including a traditional bris. >> Who knew he was gonna be
studying hebrew?
>> You didn't have to...
Studying hebrew? >> You didn't have to... I can't believe you did all
>> you didn't have to... I can't believe you did all this.
>> May I, with your permission?
This. >> May I, with your permission? >> Of course.
>> Oh. >> Oh, my God.
>> Aww. >> Mwah. >> Mwah!
Mazel tov.
>> Mazel tov.
[ laughter ]
>> Aww. Every happiness.
[ Laughter ] >> Aww. Every happiness. >> It's amazing.
>> You like --
>> it's amazing. >> You like -- oh, careful down there.
>> Oh, sorry.
Oh, careful down there. >> Oh, sorry. >> Whew. [ chuckles ]
>> [ Gasps ] Roger! >> What happened?
>> Come here!
Come on!
>> What? What?
>> Oh, my God.
You have to see this.
>> What?
Go ahead.
>> No, no, no, no!
You have to read it yourself!
>> Hands are all wet.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
>> Honey, Jesus was jewish.
Gosh. Isn't she beautiful?
>> Well, yeah, but...
I wish he would've told us.
>> Honey, Mike has finally found
somebody he loves.
I'm going.
Somebody he loves. I'm going. Are you gonna join me?
>> Of course I'm gonna join you.
But I'm not joining anything
>> of course I'm gonna join you. But I'm not joining anything else.
>> [ laughs ]
Else. >> [ laughs ] >> So, how many guests so far?
>> [ Laughs ] >> So, how many guests so far? >> Our side, we're at 200, plus
>> so, how many guests so far? >> Our side, we're at 200, plus you added 49, including the
>> our side, we're at 200, plus you added 49, including the stock-market janitors?
You added 49, including the stock-market janitors? >> Oh, good! Yes!
Stock-market janitors? >> Oh, good! Yes! I love those guys.
Honey, it's getting late. Don't you have to go home? >> Yeah.
So, I don't want you to
>> yeah. So, I don't want you to misunderstand me.
Feel free -- tell me what you
think.
>> What's this?
Think. >> What's this? >> It's our prenup.
>> No!
Hey, guys! Scotty, come here!
>> Yo!
>> You guys, we are like real
>> yo! >> You guys, we are like real celebrities.
We are like Brad pitt and
Angelina jolie.
Ha!
We have got a prenup.
Yeah!
>> This is a -- this is a
yeah! >> This is a -- this is a prenup?
>> Yeah.
Prenup? >> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> Prenup.
This is more like a phone book.
>> Wow.
Yeah.
>> Okay. I know it's a bit long,
yeah. >> Okay. I know it's a bit long, but you understand why.
>> Oh, I know! I know!
But you understand why. >> Oh, I know! I know! I know.
Because in our jewish culture,
before the wedding, we sign a
because in our jewish culture, before the wedding, we sign a thing called a "patuka."
Before the wedding, we sign a thing called a "patuka." >> A what?
Thing called a "patuka." >> A what? >> A what?
>> A "topanga."
A...Bazooka.
Umbutcha.
Tenduka, cambuna, hakuna --
umbutcha. Tenduka, cambuna, hakuna -- cadzuki, shiitake.
>> It's a ketubah...
Cadzuki, shiitake. >> It's a ketubah... >> Ketubah! Yes!
>> ...Mr. Jewish groom.
And ketubah is just one page.
>> ...Mr. jewish groom. And ketubah is just one page. >> This is way more than one
and ketubah is just one page. >> This is way more than one page.
This is...A lot of pages.
Page. This is...A lot of pages. >> Honey, yeah, this is a
this is...A lot of pages. >> Honey, yeah, this is a little...
Are you sure this is our prenup?
Little... Are you sure this is our prenup? It looks more like your thesis.
>> Just read it and let me know
it looks more like your thesis. >> Just read it and let me know if you want to make any changes.
Love you.
If you want to make any changes. Love you. >> I love you.
>> Bye.
>> I love our prenup!
>> I'm glad.
>> Dude, what are you doing?! You got to read this shit. >> [ laughs ]
Dude, how many credit cards do
you sign up for?
You just sign "I agree" without
even reading it.
Come on.
Even reading it. Come on. >> Dude, this is your life we're
come on. >> Dude, this is your life we're talking about here, not a credit
>> dude, this is your life we're talking about here, not a credit card, okay?
Talking about here, not a credit card, okay? Look, there's an attorney in my
cigar club.
He owes me a favor.
Cigar club. He owes me a favor. We'll let him read it first, all
he owes me a favor. We'll let him read it first, all right?
Just let him read it.
Right? Just let him read it. >> Dude, it's fine.
Look -- "sign here."
>> You're out of your mind.
>> He's in love.
>> I'm in love!
>> Love makes you stupid.
>> Like "wow! Stupid!"
>> Love makes me stupid.
>> Yeah.
>> ♪ ooh, ooh
>> yeah. >> ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ yeah, yeah
♪ yeah, yeah
♪ picture you with no me
♪ picture me without love
♪ I just can't see you and I
getting old ♪
♪ now picture us old
♪ still so in love
♪ that is the dream I can
picture for us ♪
♪ I ain't goin' nowhere
♪ I ain't leavin'
for nothin' in the world ♪
♪ I ain't going nowhere
♪ I'm-a stay here
♪ I'm stayin' with you
♪ I want to be the one
here for the long run ♪
♪ nothing can fade the love for
you ♪
♪ I use every single day
♪ being your everything
♪ coming with brand-new ways to
show you ♪
♪ you say I'm headstrong
♪ you think I let go
♪ oh, baby, ain't enough
forgiveness to make me say
goodbye ♪
>> ♪ no matter who's gone
♪ I always come home
>> ♪ 'cause you were made for
me, and I'm staying with you ♪
♪ I ain't goin' nowhere
♪ I ain't leavin'
for nothin' in the world ♪
♪ I ain't going nowhere
♪ I'm-a stay here
♪ I'm stayin' with you
♪ ooh
♪ yeah
♪ ooh
♪ yeah
>> ♪ I'm stayin' with you
>> ♪ ooh
♪ yeah
>> ♪ I'm stayin' with you
>> ♪ ooh, ooh
♪ yeah, yeah
♪ ooh, ooh
♪ yeah, yeah
♪ ooh ooh
♪ yeah, yeah
♪ yeah
♪ oh
♪ I'm stayin' with you
>> where are we going? What are we doing here? >> Don't worry about it.
Thank you.
>> Honey, what are we doing?
>> Just get the bag.
Come on.
>> Honey, whose house is this? Wow. God.
Wow.
>> Turn it on.
>> Welcome to your new home! >> Have a very happy married life, darlings!
>> Have a blast!
Life, darlings! >> Have a blast! >> Both: Mwah! Mwah!
>> No.
>> Yeah.
>> No!
[ both laugh ]
Oh, my God!
[ Both laugh ] Oh, my God! I don't want them watching.
>> [ laughs ]
>> Lipnick's. What the hell kind of name is that, anyway?
>> It's the name that's gonna
make you money, Rick.
Okay, now, what's the plan of
attack?
V.C.S or angels?
Attack? V.C.S or angels? >> No, no, no, no.
I'd go big.
On that note, I know you guys
can't afford a 15% finder's fee,
on that note, I know you guys can't afford a 15% finder's fee, so figured I'd make it 10%?
>> 5% is industry standard. >> [ chuckles ] Come on, Scotty. >> 5.5%.
>> [ Chuckles ] Come on, Scotty. >> 5.5%. >> 8.5%.
>> No!
It hurts.
>> Damn. Okay.
Uh...5.5%. Fine.
Not a cent less, not a cent
uh...5.5%. Fine. Not a cent less, not a cent more.
>> Gentlemen, our board of directors loves your plan. However, our c.E.O. Is leaving
town for two weeks, so we'd like
however, our c.E.O. Is leaving town for two weeks, so we'd like to ask you not to approach any
other companies until she's
back, and then we can finalize
your contract.
Back, and then we can finalize your contract. >> Well, we have two other
meetings set up.
>> We do?
Meetings set up. >> We do? Oh.
>> Yeah, we -- we do.
>> Two weeks is a long time.
Come on.
She knows the deal.
Why not just give us the answer
she knows the deal. Why not just give us the answer right now.
>> I wish I could, but she's
heading to the airport right
now.
Heading to the airport right now. >> Is that your c.E.O. Right
there?
>> Yes.
There? >> Yes. And that's Ms. birch.
>> Come on.
Just let us talk to her for like
>> come on. Just let us talk to her for like one minute.
>> 'Fraid I can't.
One minute. >> 'Fraid I can't. >> Well, we're afraid we'll have
>> 'fraid I can't. >> Well, we're afraid we'll have to pursue our other options,
>> well, we're afraid we'll have to pursue our other options, then.
To pursue our other options, then. >> Give me one minute.
Then. >> Give me one minute. The gentlemen from the
>> give me one minute. The gentlemen from the restaurant are here.
They'd like to speak with you
just briefly.
>> I'm on my way to a business
and golf trip.
I don't have time for this.
And golf trip. I don't have time for this. Please just reschedule.
>> Now is not a good time to
please just reschedule. >> Now is not a good time to talk to her.
I'm afraid you're just going to
have to wait.
>> Did I hear her say something
about a golf outing?
>> Ms. birch is on her way to a
financial summit in scottsdale,
Arizona, but all the best deals
are done on the links.
>> You know what?
Are done on the links. >> You know what? We might just have to go and
>> you know what? We might just have to go and play the back nine with her.
>> [ chuckles ]
Play the back nine with her. >> [ chuckles ] I'll see you in a couple of
weeks.
>> You know, there actually are other places we can go. I think we should look into it.
Other places we can go. I think we should look into it. >> Okay.
>> Okay.
>> Grandmother's famous recipe
>> okay. >> Grandmother's famous recipe for tongue on rye.
>> It sounded like you said "tongue." [ chuckles ]
"Tongue." [ chuckles ] >> I did.
[ Chuckles ] >> I did. >> It's cow tongue.
>> Oh, cow tongue.
Yeah, you know, I'm a diabetic,
>> oh, cow tongue. Yeah, you know, I'm a diabetic, so tongue, lips, face, all
yeah, you know, I'm a diabetic, so tongue, lips, face, all that's from the neck up, I'm not
supposed to digest it.
That's from the neck up, I'm not supposed to digest it. >> Mm. Nice try.
Supposed to digest it. >> Mm. Nice try. >> I'm gonna track her down in
>> mm. Nice try. >> I'm gonna track her down in scottsdale, Arizona.
I think her comment was a test.
Scottsdale, Arizona. I think her comment was a test. She purposely said it loud
enough so that we would hear it.
>> No.
Enough so that we would hear it. >> No. >> Yeah.
Look, these big-player types, to
>> yeah. Look, these big-player types, to them, this is all just a game.
Why else would they go and do
business on a golf course?
>> Can you help me?
Business on a golf course? >> Can you help me? >> I'm at a loss.
>> So let's play it.
Let's play their game.
I'm gonna go to the resort and
let's play their game. I'm gonna go to the resort and blend in with the millionaire
crowd.
Blend in with the millionaire crowd. >> Uh, no offense, dude, but
that takes some major
>> uh, no offense, dude, but that takes some major camouflage.
That takes some major camouflage. >> Hey.
Camouflage. >> Hey. >> Just let me worry about that,
>> hey. >> Just let me worry about that, okay?
>> Okay, look, man.
Okay? >> Okay, look, man. >> A last-minute plane ticket,
>> okay, look, man. >> A last-minute plane ticket, though?
A five-star executive suite?
Though? A five-star executive suite? Plus, your blending in would
a five-star executive suite? Plus, your blending in would cost more than we all can afford
plus, your blending in would cost more than we all can afford to put together.
Cost more than we all can afford to put together. So, sorry to be a prick, but we
all know how your financial
so, sorry to be a prick, but we all know how your financial adventures turned out in the
past.
Adventures turned out in the past. >> Look, that was a long time
ago, okay?
I have learned from those
mistakes.
>> I'm not so sure.
Mistakes. >> I'm not so sure. >> Okay. What have we got to
lose, other than our own shirts?
Let's see if he can pull this
off.
>> Where we gonna get the seed
money?
What, are we gonna ask the
lipnicks?
We can't gamble on their money.
Lipnicks? We can't gamble on their money. We haven't made them any money.
It's ridiculous.
>> Okay. You know what?
Let's just eat.
Come on.
I've been waiting all day to see
come on. I've been waiting all day to see you try this.
>> [ chuckles ]
You try this. >> [ chuckles ] >> Pickle first?
>> [ Chuckles ] >> Pickle first? >> Nope.
>> What's this? >> Open it.
It's our new visa. Might as well break it in. >> What if the deal doesn't go
might as well break it in. >> What if the deal doesn't go through?
>> At least I'll have a happy
husband.
Happy he at least gave it a try.
Husband. Happy he at least gave it a try. >> I love you.
Mmm.
>> Go get 'em, tiger.
>> Come here.
>> ♪ ...Surely find a way
>> come here. >> ♪ ...Surely find a way ♪ working together day by day
>> here we go.
>> Thank you, my good man. >> And we never met. >> Fair enough.
You guys have room for one more?
>> Hi. [ golf clubs clattering ]
>> Sorry! Just a little -- little tournament stress. Uh...I'm just gonna -- I'm just
gonna go again.
Yeah.
>> Relax. Relax. Eyes on the ball.
Head down.
Feet shoulder-width apart.
Eyes on the ball.
Keep your head down.
Eyes on the ball.
Mind on the ball.
Wow. You are still the same lousy shooter after all this time.
Nothing's changed.
Shooter after all this time. Nothing's changed. >> What?
That's what my friends used to
>> what? That's what my friends used to call me back in high --
that's what my friends used to call me back in high -- >> I'm Alex birch.
Call me back in high -- >> I'm Alex birch. Nice to make your acquaintance
again.
>> Ms. birch.
Again. >> Ms. birch. Nice to meet you.
Again?
Alex?
Alex roverson?!
>> [ chuckles ]
It's Alex birch now -- my
married name.
>> No way!
Married name. >> No way! [ laughs ]
Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ] Oh, my God! How are you?!
Oh!
Wow.
You haven't changed much.
>> Come on.
At least say I lost some of my
>> come on. At least say I lost some of my baby fat.
>> Well, yeah, of course.
Baby fat. >> Well, yeah, of course. I mean...
Y-you looked great in high
school, but...
You look even better now.
School, but... You look even better now. >> Thanks.
You look good, too...
Especially on that first tee.
Wow.
So, how is it that you ended up
wow. So, how is it that you ended up in L.A. franchising restaurants?
>> Oh.
In L.A. franchising restaurants? >> Oh. Um...
I was in New York for seven
um... I was in New York for seven years playing the market.
I did okay, but then, like
everyone else, when the market
crashed, I lost my shirt, so I
decided to move to L.A. and
start fresh.
Decided to move to L.A. and start fresh. My buddy Scott askey -- you
remember Scotty?
>> Mm-hmm.
Remember Scotty? >> Mm-hmm. >> Yeah, he -- he decided to put
>> mm-hmm. >> Yeah, he -- he decided to put me up until I could get back on
>> yeah, he -- he decided to put me up until I could get back on my feet.
Me up until I could get back on my feet. >> Mm. Guess Scotty and I share
something -- getting you back on
>> mm. Guess Scotty and I share something -- getting you back on your feet.
Something -- getting you back on your feet. It's funny how we ended up being
neighbors again.
>> Well, I live in the Fairfax
district.
I'm guessing you're more of a
Beverly hills, malibu girl.
So, Alex birch now, huh? Wow. That is just... Is your husband here with you?
>> My ex-husband.
Frankly, I don't know where
>> my ex-husband. Frankly, I don't know where he is.
I don't like the word
"divorcée," so I like to refer
to myself as a free bird.
"Divorcée," so I like to refer to myself as a free bird. And you?
To myself as a free bird. And you? >> Uh, married.
Four months ago.
>> Congrats.
Is she here?
I'd love to meet her.
>> No. I came alone.
This is a business trip, after
>> no. I came alone. This is a business trip, after all.
Though, given our history, I
don't know if this is such a
though, given our history, I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Don't know if this is such a good idea. >> You still haven't forgiven
me.
Look, um, maybe I can make it up
to you now.
Join me for dinner.
To you now. Join me for dinner. I will order something extra
join me for dinner. I will order something extra special -- corn dogs with a side
of Mac and cheese.
Special -- corn dogs with a side of Mac and cheese. >> You remember that?
Of Mac and cheese. >> You remember that? >> You'd be surprised by what
>> you remember that? >> You'd be surprised by what else I remember.
Hey, um, I was gonna go to a
club tonight to see some jazz.
You want to come with me?
Club tonight to see some jazz. You want to come with me? >> Yes.
Who says no to jazz?
[ Jazz music playing ]
[ Ringtone plays ]
[ Ringing stops ]
>> So... How many do you want? >> What?
>> How many franchise branches
>> what? >> How many franchise branches do you want?
>> Oh. Um...
Do you want? >> Oh. Um... Well, our initial roll-out plan
>> oh. Um... Well, our initial roll-out plan was to have 25 in 5 years.
>> How about 50 in 3 years?
Was to have 25 in 5 years. >> How about 50 in 3 years? >> What would be the terms?
>> If you can stay, we can work
>> what would be the terms? >> If you can stay, we can work out the details over the next
>> if you can stay, we can work out the details over the next few days.
Out the details over the next few days. >> I don't know what to say.
Few days. >> I don't know what to say. >> You could say no.
[ Soft music playing ]
>> Who told you to change partners? Alex, you're supposed to be with
Steve, Mike with Kimberly.
And no head on chest.
>> But she asked my permission.
>> You could say no.
>> Why would I?
I love her.
[ laughter ]
[ Jazz music playing ]
[ Ringtone playing ]
>> Hey, babe. >> Hi! What's going on? It's Scott and Dylan.
We've been trying to reach you.
>> What's up, man?
>> Oh. Yeah.
I'm good.
Everything's good here.
Just, uh...Working on the deal.
>> You sound awful.
Are you getting enough sleep?
>> Not really.
Uh, wheelin' and dealin' is --
>> not really. Uh, wheelin' and dealin' is -- it is hard work.
>> Okay. Wheelin' and dealin'.
It is hard work. >> Okay. Wheelin' and dealin'. Listen -- I got a couple
>> okay. Wheelin' and dealin'. Listen -- I got a couple questions, man, I wanted to go
listen -- I got a couple questions, man, I wanted to go over with you before the
meeting.
Over with you before the meeting. What time is the meeting?
Meeting. What time is the meeting? >> It's finished.
>> Damn it!
Mike, why didn't you call me
>> damn it! Mike, why didn't you call me before you screwed everything
up, man?
Before you screwed everything up, man? >> Dude, chill out, okay?
Up, man? >> Dude, chill out, okay? [ breathes deeply ]
I nailed it.
[ Breathes deeply ] I nailed it. Guess what -- we got
50 branches.
>> We got 50 branches?
All right, what's the catch,
>> we got 50 branches? All right, what's the catch, Mike?
>> No catch.
I just got to stay here for a
>> no catch. I just got to stay here for a couple more days and finalize
the details.
Couple more days and finalize the details. >> That's unbelievable!
The details. >> That's unbelievable! That's fanta--
>> that's unbelievable! That's fanta-- how did you talk her into that?
>> I will tell you all about
that when I get back.
>> When are you back?
That when I get back. >> When are you back? >> When are you coming back?
I miss you.
>> Okay, yeah, I miss you, too.
Um, I got to go.
There is a meeting.
It is urgent, okay?
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
[ cellphone beeps ]
>> Cheers.
[ Cellphone beeps ] >> Cheers. >> Cheers.
>> We did it.
>> Good morning, lazy bum.
>> Morning.
>> Who was that?
The wife?
>> No.
Yeah. It -- it was, and Scotty.
>> Come on.
Let's beat everyone to the
>> come on. Let's beat everyone to the links.
>> I'm not exactly a match for
you.
I mean, I'm a beginner at this.
You. I mean, I'm a beginner at this. >> Remember when you taught me
how to dance?
I used to trip all over the
floor?
Well, it's payback time.
Floor? Well, it's payback time. Come on. Go -- get dressed.
[ rock music plays ]
>> ♪ I didn't see it
♪ I didn't see it coming
♪ I can't believe it
♪ it's really stunning
♪ and now I feel so strong
♪ it's been way too long
♪ I just remember that I forgot
about you ♪
♪ I just remember that I forgot
about you ♪
♪ oh, this feelin'
♪ I've been rediscovered
♪ it's got me breathin'
♪ like a teenage lover
♪ and it feels so right
♪ better hold on,
hold on tight ♪
♪ I just remember that I forgot
about you ♪
♪ I just remembered
♪ oh, you'd come back to me
>> let's go drink.
♪ Oh, you'd come back to me >> let's go drink. [ cheers and applause ]
>> Let's go drink. [ cheers and applause ] >> Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause ] >> Whoo! >> Whoo!
>> Come on!
>> Let's see what you've got.
>> All right, here we go.
That's one. That's one!
>> Yeah!
>> Let's go! Come on!
Three.
>> Come on! You got it!
>> Yeah!
Whoo!
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
>> Oh! In your face!
Come on. You ready?
Here we go.
>> Whoo!
>> [ laughs ]
>> Whoo!
>> [ Laughs ] >> Whoo! >> Come on! You can do it!
Come on, baby!
>> Aah! Two!
>> Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Whoo!
>> Aah!
>> One more! One more!
>> Aaaaaaah!
Aah!
Br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br!
Here we go! Aah!
[ cheers and applause ]
Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause ] Whoo! Yeah!
>> One more! One more!
One more! One more!
>> All: Go, go, go, go, go, go,
one more! One more! >> All: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[ cheers and applause ]
Go, go, go, go! [ cheers and applause ] >> ♪ I just remember that I
forget about you ♪
♪ I just remember that I forgot
about you ♪
♪ I just remember that I forgot
about you ♪
♪ I just remember that I forgot
about you ♪
>> well, if your flight was at
3:00, I could've dropped you off
at the airport.
>> I know, I know.
At the airport. >> I know, I know. You got to run.
Tournament's about to start.
>> If you wait until Monday, we
tournament's about to start. >> If you wait until Monday, we could go together.
>> I have to report back to my
boss before I get fired.
>> I understand.
Boss before I get fired. >> I understand. I really enjoyed our time
together.
>> Me too.
Together. >> Me too. I'll see you in L.A.?
Mwah. [ engine turns over ]
>> Dude, you look like shit. >> Nice to see you, too. >> Did you get the l.O.I.
Signed?
>> Not yet.
>> Bro, you know how iffy these
>> not yet. >> Bro, you know how iffy these deals can be.
You said you had it in the bag.
Deals can be. You said you had it in the bag. >> Dude, relax.
The deal is locked in.
>> What makes you so sure?
>> I found a shortcut.
You know their c.E.O., Alex birch? Her maiden name is
Alex roverson.
>> Alex...
Alex roverson?
The prom queen who went missing
Alex roverson?
>> Mm-hmm.
>> You got to be kidding me.
So, why didn't you get the
>> you got to be kidding me. So, why didn't you get the l.O.I. Signed again?
>> Alex is coming to the
restaurant on Friday.
I thought it'd be more official
that way.
>> Hmm.
That way. >> Hmm. So, if you weren't there closing
the deal, what were you doing
so, if you weren't there closing the deal, what were you doing there the whole time?
The deal, what were you doing there the whole time? Hmm?
There the whole time? Hmm? >> We were just catching up on
things, you know, doing the
>> we were just catching up on things, you know, doing the whole p.R. Game with her,
telling her what a great
franchise lipnick's is gonna be.
Telling her what a great franchise lipnick's is gonna be. >> Five days is a long time to
talk.
Did she tell you why she went
missing prom night?
Oh. Okay.
Missing prom night? Oh. Okay. You know what?
>> Wait. What are you doing?
>> Rick.
Yeah, look, can you set up the
backup meetings for fresco and
yeah, look, can you set up the backup meetings for fresco and k.C. And company?
Backup meetings for fresco and k.C. And company? >> Really?
K.C. And company? >> Really? >> Yeah.
Okay, thanks, man.
>> What are you doing?
>> Yeah, I've been doing some
>> what are you doing? >> Yeah, I've been doing some talking, too, myself, all right?
Just in case.
Talking, too, myself, all right? Just in case. >> Dude, we have a deal.
>> I don't want a deal.
I don't even think we should be
doing business with her in the
first place.
Doing business with her in the first place. >> Scotty, you worry too much.
First place. >> Scotty, you worry too much. >> Yeah, yeah.
I'm the idiot.
You're the optimist. I forgot.
>> Shit. Does Alex really live there? Dude, if I were you, I wouldn't
does Alex really live there? Dude, if I were you, I wouldn't dare go anywhere near her.
>> Yeah, Mike, I think you
should really reconsider
>> yeah, Mike, I think you should really reconsider Kimberly.
Should really reconsider Kimberly. >> Dude, she probably thinks
you're some millionaire's son
>> dude, she probably thinks you're some millionaire's son with all those boss shirts
you've been borrowing from
Scott.
You've been borrowing from Scott. Those boss shirts that I've been
borrowing from Scott don't even
those boss shirts that I've been borrowing from Scott don't even make Scott look like a
millionaire, dude.
Make Scott look like a millionaire, dude. You guys are just jealous.
Millionaire, dude. You guys are just jealous. I'm an optimist, all right?
I look at the brighter side of
things.
Okay?
Things. Okay? Bye-bye.
>> You want us to wait?
>> No.
Alex said we'll take her limo.
>> [ laughs ]
>> Okay. Let's go.
>> [ Laughs ] >> Okay. Let's go. >> No, wait a sec.
>> I'm here to pick up Alex. She's expecting me. Tux, corsage, prom date.
>> You're mistaken, young man.
Miss Alex has left for the
>> you're mistaken, young man. Miss Alex has left for the weekend.
>> Ho-ho.
Weekend. >> Ho-ho. Come on, big guy.
No, we, uh -- we have a date.
Sir, I mean, it's prom.
She -- she can't be gone.
She has to be here.
So can you call her down here so
she has to be here. So can you call her down here so I can talk to her?
>> Are you implying that I've
lied to you?
>> No. No, no, no.
Lied to you? >> No. No, no, no. Just -- just that there's
>> no. No, no, no. Just -- just that there's apparently a misunderstanding.
Is there someone else that I can
talk to, like how about the
is there someone else that I can talk to, like how about the driver?
Talk to, like how about the driver? I mean, he must know her plans.
Driver? I mean, he must know her plans. >> I'm the limo driver.
>> What?
How do you guard the house and
>> what? How do you guard the house and drive at the same --
how do you guard the house and drive at the same -- >> it's none of your business
what I do.
>> It's none of your business what I do. Now you need to leave.
What I do. Now you need to leave. You can do that the easy or the
now you need to leave. You can do that the easy or the hard way.
I strongly suggest the easy way.
Hard way. I strongly suggest the easy way. Up to you.
[ gate rattling ]
[ Fingers click ] >> Where you going? >> Alex! Alex!
Alex!
>> Give him to me.
>> Alex, come outside!
Come outside right now!
I'm here to pick you up!
Alex!
Unh!
Okay. All right.
Alex!
Ow! Aah!
Alex, come outside!
Alex, I'm here to pick you up!
I have your corsage!
It's purple!
It matches my tie!
Alex!
[ car door closes ]
>> You okay?
[ Car door closes ] >> You okay? >> Yeah.
>> No! Stop! >> What? >> Shit.
Sorry, honey.
I was just having a bad dream.
Hey, wifey.
>> Hi, hubby.
Hi. >> You're jet-lagged like you went to Europe or something.
Look at that picture there. >> Don't worry. One day, lipnick's is gonna have
>> don't worry. One day, lipnick's is gonna have all the magazine ads.
>> I'm not talking about that
one.
The one to the right of it.
One. The one to the right of it. >> That magazine went out of
the one to the right of it. >> That magazine went out of business.
They're gonna be gone within a
month.
>> Can you stop talking about
business?
I'm talking about family.
Business? I'm talking about family. >> Of course.
I'm talking about family, too.
I am talking about our
family's...Future.
>> Oh.
Family's...Future. >> Oh. I want to have twins just like
>> oh. I want to have twins just like that -- one that looks like you
and one that looks like me.
That -- one that looks like you and one that looks like me. Identical twins are so boring.
>> I'm sorry. >> What do you mean? >> I kind of wasted your money,
>> what do you mean? >> I kind of wasted your money, I think.
I don't think there's gonna be a
deal.
But there are other companies
we're gonna go to.
I know a whole bunch of people
we can talk to.
>> Relax.
We can talk to. >> Relax. You don't have to.
Let's just be happy with what we
you don't have to. Let's just be happy with what we have.
Mm. I missed you. >> Yeah?
>> Yeah.
>> How much?
>> A lot.
>> Really?
>> Mm-hmm.
>> Hey.
Evening, madam. Welcome to lipnick's. Table for two?
>> Just one.
>> Come with me.
Your waitress will be right with you. >> I suppose you're Dylan?
You. >> I suppose you're Dylan? >> Yeah.
Have we met before?
>> Alex -- Alex birch.
>> Oh. Hi.
It's so nice to meet you.
>> Nice to meet you, as well.
>> Hey, Alex.
>> Hey.
>> Wow. What a surprise.
Uh, this is -- this is my wife,
>> wow. What a surprise. Uh, this is -- this is my wife, Dylan.
Dylan, this is, uh...Alex birch.
>> I got it.
>> She's the c.E.O. Of
girthan's --
>> she's the c.E.O. Of girthan's -- >> I am just an old High School
classmate.
>> Mm-hmm.
Classmate. >> Mm-hmm. >> Yeah.
Mike told me.
Um, please make yourself
comfortable, and welcome.
>> Thank you.
She's beautiful. [ breathes deeply ] Why'd you go to fresco?
[ Breathes deeply ] Why'd you go to fresco? They're my main competitors.
>> Uh, I -- I talked to, um,
they're my main competitors. >> Uh, I -- I talked to, um, some of the -- some of the --
>> uh, I -- I talked to, um, some of the -- some of the -- some of my partners, and, um...
Some of the -- some of the -- some of my partners, and, um... Well, they were -- they were
afraid of a conflict of
well, they were -- they were afraid of a conflict of interest.
Afraid of a conflict of interest. >> Mike, cut the bullshit.
Interest. >> Mike, cut the bullshit. You don't trust me, do you?
>> What's this? >> Proof of trust. Cash it anytime you see a red
>> proof of trust. Cash it anytime you see a red flag.
So come by my office, sign the
contract, and let's finalize
so come by my office, sign the contract, and let's finalize this deal once and for all.
[ Engine turns over ]
>> Would you put that back in our pocket, Mike? That's a lot of fucking money.
Our pocket, Mike? That's a lot of fucking money. By the way, I think I'm really
that's a lot of fucking money. By the way, I think I'm really starting to like Alex.
>> You can't get a better proof
of trust than that check.
>> Okay. So what exactly do you
know about the divorce?
>> Nothing other than the fact
that she just had a rough time.
>> Okay, well, I heard
differently at the reunion last
>> okay, well, I heard differently at the reunion last year.
Differently at the reunion last year. Apparently, she dumped the guy
after one year and ended up with
apparently, she dumped the guy after one year and ended up with most of his money.
After one year and ended up with most of his money. >> You know what?
Most of his money. >> You know what? That's probably just a lot of
>> you know what? That's probably just a lot of people talking smack.
>> You know, I don't really
care, Mike.
I just want to know.
Care, Mike. I just want to know. Is there anything between you
two?
Dude, we all worked hard on
this.
>> Damn it, Scott, are you not
seeing the frickin' value in a
>> damn it, Scott, are you not seeing the frickin' value in a million-dollar check?
Seeing the frickin' value in a million-dollar check? All those zer--
are you kidding me? Really?
>> You know what?
Are you kidding me? Really? >> You know what? I'm not letting this come
>> you know what? I'm not letting this come between us.
I'm just returning it.
Between us. I'm just returning it. >> What?
Can you -- can I...
Just hold it one last time?
>> Hey.
There will be plenty to hold in
>> hey. There will be plenty to hold in the future, buddy.
>> Fuck!
>> You. >> Who are you, sir? You look familiar.
>> Yeah, so do you.
You remind me of some a-hole
>> yeah, so do you. You remind me of some a-hole back in punkton, Kansas, when I
you remind me of some a-hole back in punkton, Kansas, when I was a kid.
Back in punkton, Kansas, when I was a kid. >> Oh, yeah, I remember you.
Was a kid. >> Oh, yeah, I remember you. Sorry, kid.
I mean "sir."
I was just doing my job.
Come on in.
You still pissed at me?
>> You know, if you'd have been 4 inches shorter back then, I would have taught you some
manners.
Would have taught you some manners. >> You know, she was home that
night.
>> She lied to me?
Night. >> She lied to me? >> I lied.
She cried in her room for days,
maybe weeks.
Baby girl was in some major
pain.
Seems boss man had some sort of
stick up his ass about your
seems boss man had some sort of stick up his ass about your family being too -- too common.
Stick up his ass about your family being too -- too common. She doesn't like to receive
greetings on her birthday these
she doesn't like to receive greetings on her birthday these days.
Greetings on her birthday these days. >> Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Days. >> Whoa, whoa, whoa. Today's her birthday?
>> You didn't know?
Then why are you here?
>> Shit.
I should've brought a gift.
Holy shit. >> I know. >> Who else lives here with her?
>> Just her.
This way.
No hard feelings, sir? Carry on.
[ Soft music playing ] >> Hi. [ indistinct singing ]
Happy birthday. >> Thanks. >> Why don't you come down to
>> thanks. >> Why don't you come down to lipnick's?
We'll make you a nice birthday
meal.
>> I want to be alone, Mike.
Meal. >> I want to be alone, Mike. I think I deserve that.
>> Oh, come on.
Don't be like that.
>> Can you...
Never mind.
>> What?
>> Can you spare, like, three
>> what? >> Can you spare, like, three hours for me?
No one else?
Hours for me? No one else? I promise -- no business.
I didn't think so. >> Okay. What do you want to do?
Can you hear me?! Now can you hear me? >> Yes, I can.
[ chuckles ]
>> Holy cow! Wow. This was your husband's?
>> No. It was my family's.
But it's mine now that my dad's
>> no. It was my family's. But it's mine now that my dad's passed away.
>> Wow.
Passed away. >> Wow. >> Actually, I've got some
>> wow. >> Actually, I've got some clothes for you, if you want to
>> actually, I've got some clothes for you, if you want to change.
Clothes for you, if you want to change. >> [ chuckles ]
Change. >> [ chuckles ] >> Right through there.
>> [ Chuckles ] >> Right through there. >> [ chuckles ]
>> Hi.
>> Here you go. Is there anything else I can do for you, Ms. roverson?
>> No, thank you.
For you, Ms. roverson? >> No, thank you. You can go home for the rest of
>> no, thank you. You can go home for the rest of the night.
>> Happy birthday.
The night. >> Happy birthday. >> Thanks.
You know, there's a movie theater inside, and I have "superman" all cued up and ready
to go.
"Superman" all cued up and ready to go. >> "Superman" -- wow.
To go. >> "Superman" -- wow. That brings back memories.
>> I know.
You watched it two times in a
row.
>> At the drive-in.
Row. >> At the drive-in. How did you know that?
>> I was there...
In the last row...
Watching you.
I came there because I wanted to
watching you. I came there because I wanted to say goodbye, and I wanted to
apologize, but...
Say goodbye, and I wanted to apologize, but... I wasn't allowed to.
Apologize, but... I wasn't allowed to. I tried every excuse in the book
to sneak out of that car and
come see you, but the driver
wouldn't let me.
Come see you, but the driver wouldn't let me. My dad's orders.
To superman. >> Truth, justice, and the American way.
>> [ chuckles ]
You remember that scene when
he's able to spin the earth
you remember that scene when he's able to spin the earth backwards?
He's able to spin the earth backwards? >> Yeah.
Backwards? >> Yeah. Sometimes I wish I could spin
>> yeah. Sometimes I wish I could spin the world back 13 years, you
sometimes I wish I could spin the world back 13 years, you know?
The world back 13 years, you know? >> Me too.
>> I -- I can't.
>> I understand. >> I can't, but...
>> So, you gonna tell me where you disappeared to last night? >> Oh, um...
You disappeared to last night? >> Oh, um... I thought I told you.
I went to Alex's office.
>> Yeah, Scott told me, but I
thought that was yesterday
>> yeah, Scott told me, but I thought that was yesterday afternoon.
Thought that was yesterday afternoon. >> Yeah.
Afternoon. >> Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
Yesterday was her birthday, and
yeah. You know what? Yesterday was her birthday, and I didn't even know.
Yeah, they had a big beach party
for her out at her house in
yeah, they had a big beach party for her out at her house in malibu.
For her out at her house in malibu. I couldn't say no.
Malibu. I couldn't say no. I was gonna call you, but --
>> oh, that's fine.
Just didn't want you to drink
and drive.
Just worried about you.
>> We had a very good meeting with fresco. You want to know the way I see
it?
All right, look, fresco made a
valid point -- we should start
all right, look, fresco made a valid point -- we should start with five branches.
Valid point -- we should start with five branches. That way, we all get to bed on
time, we still reach our goal.
>> Jesus, grandpa, what are you,
80?
We need to enter this thing with
a big bang.
Can't leave room for lots of
little copycat's to start
can't leave room for lots of little copycat's to start popping up.
Little copycat's to start popping up. >> Yeah, I don't even know why
we took that meeting today.
I mean, we have a better deal at
girthan's.
>> Thank you.
>> Did you fuck her? >> Scotty. >> Just checking.
>> Ha!
Ah.
>> Rick, could you give us a
ah. >> Rick, could you give us a minute?
Could you give us a minute,
please?
>> Got it.
Please? >> Got it. >> Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
But where were you last night,
Mike?
Huh?
>> Scotty, let's talk business,
huh? >> Scotty, let's talk business, okay?
No biases, no conflicts of
interest.
She is giving us the deal of a
lifetime.
>> I never disagreed with that.
Lifetime. >> I never disagreed with that. >> And for the record, she did
not stand me up at prom.
It was her dad, not her.
Not stand me up at prom. It was her dad, not her. >> Well, what happened to her
it was her dad, not her. >> Well, what happened to her check?
Did you return it?
>> Scott, Scotty, scottster... Do not fuck this up. Just let's look at it this way.
As long as we're making a pile
just let's look at it this way. As long as we're making a pile of cash, who really cares who
as long as we're making a pile of cash, who really cares who fucks who?
Of cash, who really cares who fucks who? >> Yeah, uh...
Fucks who? >> Yeah, uh... >> Scotty...
No goof-ups.
Trust me.
Yeah, I promise.
>> Well, I think the proposal is
yeah, I promise. >> Well, I think the proposal is perfect as is, so I'm signing
>> well, I think the proposal is perfect as is, so I'm signing off on it.
We have a deal. >> We have a deal. >> We have a deal.
>> ♪ I think you know ♪ you know the truth ♪ you can see it in my eyes
>> that's coming up.
♪ You can see it in my eyes >> that's coming up. >> That one.
>> That's coming up. >> That one. >> ♪ every time I look through
>> that one. >> ♪ every time I look through you ♪
[ Both laugh ]
You ♪ [ Both laugh ] ♪ it won't be long
[ both laugh ] ♪ it won't be long ♪ a year, maybe two
♪ till I'm coming to you
♪ coming home to you
♪ there she is
♪ the woman of the hour
♪ so naive to all my scheming
♪ so unaware of my power
♪ she'll scratch and scream
>> ♪ scratch and scream
>> ♪ to keep me at bay
♪ oh, but she can't keep
me away ♪
♪ no, she can't keep me away
♪ you feel the spark
♪ I know you do
♪ that embrace of one desire
[ Both breathing heavily ]
♪ That embrace of one desire [ Both breathing heavily ] >> I love you.
I want to spend the rest of my
life with you.
I feel like my life had passed
me by until I saw you again.
I'm committed, Mike.
Me by until I saw you again. I'm committed, Mike. I'm willing to be in this for
the long haul.
But it's up to you.
I'll wait until Christmas to hear your answer.
>> I fuckin' knew it. You playing with people's lives again?
You...
Again? You... You are a dangerous man to know,
you... You are a dangerous man to know, Mike.
>> I know. I'm sorry.
[ sighs ]
What do I tell Dylan?
[ Sighs ] What do I tell Dylan? >> I'm not a freakin' counselor,
what do I tell Dylan? >> I'm not a freakin' counselor, Mike.
What kind of question is that?
"Do I dump my wife before I
what kind of question is that? "Do I dump my wife before I close the deal?
Or do I close the deal, then
dump her?"
>> Well, what would you do if
you were me?
>> Me?
You were me? >> Me? >> I would've taken Kimberly to
>> me? >> I would've taken Kimberly to the prom 13 years ago, okay?
That's what I would've done.
The prom 13 years ago, okay? That's what I would've done. >> Dude, come on, like...
I really need your help.
You're my best friend.
>> Why do you keep getting
you're my best friend. >> Why do you keep getting yourself in the same situations
>> why do you keep getting yourself in the same situations over and over?
Yourself in the same situations over and over? Hmm?
Over and over? Hmm? You got a rich girl on one side
and a poor one on the other.
>> You calling me a gold digger? >> I'll answer that later. First, you tell me -- did you
sleep with her or not?
Oh, shit. Do you love her? Oh, shit!
>> What do I do?
>> How am I supposed to know?!
Remember, you're the one who
>> how am I supposed to know?! Remember, you're the one who looks at everything on the
remember, you're the one who looks at everything on the bright side.
Looks at everything on the bright side. [ scoffs ]
Bright side. [ scoffs ] Tell you what.
[ Scoffs ] Tell you what. Do both women. Hmm?
Do both women, keep the
do both women. Hmm? Do both women, keep the franchise, and two helicopters,
do both women, keep the franchise, and two helicopters, too, Hmm?
Franchise, and two helicopters, too, Hmm? And I'll stay quiet for life.
Too, Hmm? And I'll stay quiet for life. Know why?
'Cause I'm your best -- I'm your
know why? 'Cause I'm your best -- I'm your best friend.
>> You're drunk. Come on.
Best friend. >> You're drunk. Come on. >> Let me go.
You're the one that needs a
>> let me go. You're the one that needs a hand.
Finish that.
"Dearest Dylan. I'm sorry I didn't have the guts to tell you this in person.
I have so much gratitude for you
in my heart for all the love and
everything you and your family
have done for me.
Everything you and your family have done for me. But I haven't lived up to your
love.
I have a confession.
Love. I have a confession. I have fallen in love with Alex.
Perhaps I've been in love with
her my entire life.
She was my childhood sweetheart.
Her my entire life. She was my childhood sweetheart. Until the past few months, to
she was my childhood sweetheart. Until the past few months, to me, she was a dream unfulfilled.
I recently found out that I was
her dream, too.
When we reconnected after such a
long time, we instantly felt
when we reconnected after such a long time, we instantly felt that nothing between us has
changed with time.
That nothing between us has changed with time. In fact, our love has grown in
the last few weeks.
If I deny these feelings, I'll
be a lousy husband cheating on a
if I deny these feelings, I'll be a lousy husband cheating on a loyal, wonderful wife like you.
Be a lousy husband cheating on a loyal, wonderful wife like you. You deserve more.
Loyal, wonderful wife like you. You deserve more. You deserve better.
It is with sorrow that I am
you deserve better. It is with sorrow that I am writing this to you to request a
it is with sorrow that I am writing this to you to request a divorce...Hopefully one without
too much animosity."
[ Brakes squealing ]
Okay.
>> He's here, he's here. Mike's here. >> He's here.
>> Wait, wait, wait!
You can't escape that easily.
Come on over here.
Come.
Come on.
Come in. Zits. Sit. So, now that we have our man,
sit. So, now that we have our man, let me say a few words.
As you all know, our beloved
Mike surprised us very much with
as you all know, our beloved Mike surprised us very much with his unexpected jewishness and
his total conversion.
His unexpected jewishness and his total conversion. And recently, he surprised us
with his lipnick's franchise
and recently, he surprised us with his lipnick's franchise plan.
With his lipnick's franchise plan. He's a man of many surprises.
Plan. He's a man of many surprises. So now it's our turn.
Time to give Mike the surprise
so now it's our turn. Time to give Mike the surprise of his life, and when he hears
time to give Mike the surprise of his life, and when he hears this, believe me -- he won't
forget this day so long as he
lives.
Forget this day so long as he lives. So, without further ado, I want
to announce today...
That...
To announce today... That... I'm gonna be a
that... I'm gonna be a great-grandfather!
[ laughing ]
Great-grandfather! [ laughing ] A great-grandpa!
[ Laughing ] A great-grandpa! Mazel tov!
And Mike's gonna be a father!
Everybody, raise your glass.
L'chaim! L'chaim.
What a mitzvah.
Oh, look at them.
What a couple.
Oh, they're so beautiful.
Nice, beautiful jewish children
oh, they're so beautiful. Nice, beautiful jewish children they're going to have.
Oh, my.
They're going to have. Oh, my. Mazel tov.
Oh, oh, it's so wonderful.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Oy. You'll have twins, maybe
oh, I'm so proud of you. Oy. You'll have twins, maybe quintuplets.
Oh, a bunch of little jewish
babies running around!
>> Holy shit.
Babies running around! >> Holy shit. Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Scotty.
[ breathing heavily ]
Scotty, pick up.
[ Breathing heavily ] Scotty, pick up. Pick up, pick up.
>> Hey, dude, what's up?
>> She's pregnant.
>> Who?
>> What?
>> I'm sorry, but with you, I
>> what? >> I'm sorry, but with you, I need to ask who.
>> Dylan.
Need to ask who. >> Dylan. >> Holy shit.
>> Exactly.
There's more.
>> Always.
>> I sent an e-mail to her
>> always. >> I sent an e-mail to her telling her about Alex.
>> You sent an e-mail?
Telling her about Alex. >> You sent an e-mail? That's harsh.
>> Scotty, focus, okay?
Focus.
Help now, judge later.
I need you to call your tech
help now, judge later. I need you to call your tech guys and ask them how to recover
an e-mail.
Guys and ask them how to recover an e-mail. >> Don't you know her password?
An e-mail. >> Don't you know her password? >> No!
>> Shit.
Mike, there's no way to recall
>> shit. Mike, there's no way to recall an e-mail.
Trust me.
An e-mail. Trust me. >> Shit.
Shit.
Okay.
Okay, Mike.
Get it together.
Get it together, Mike.
Get it together.
Aah.
>> There's at least 50
aah. >> There's at least 50 restaurants here.
>> I never, ever thought we'd be
able to retire, but if this
works out, maybe we can.
Able to retire, but if this works out, maybe we can. Or at least cut back on our
hours.
>> Retire?
Hours. >> Retire? Oh, sweetheart.
We're not gonna retire.
We're just gonna begin to live.
>> I got to go.
>> Okay. I'll see you at home.
I'll show them the rest. >> All right, let's see. He did this all himself.
[ soft music playing ]
>> ♪ You can say what you want about me ♪
♪ it doesn't really matter anyway ♪ ♪ all alone here with memories
♪ I'm my own worst enemy
these days ♪
>> sorry. Didn't mean to wake you up. >> I wasn't sleeping.
>> I was at the office with
Scott, and then we went to
dinner, and --
>> it's okay.
Dinner, and -- >> it's okay. Come on in.
>> It's okay. Come on in. I read your e-mail.
>> I'm sorry. Okay? I... I wouldn't have sent it if I had
okay? I... I wouldn't have sent it if I had known -- the news earlier.
>> So, you would have continued
to cheat on your wife?
For how long?
To cheat on your wife? For how long? >> No. No, no.
I -- I don't mean that.
I just mean I would've waited
for the -- the right time.
>> The right time.
For the -- the right time. >> The right time. And when would that be?
>> Dylan, I am sorry.
Okay?
It's just I'm kind of in a
okay? It's just I'm kind of in a corner right now.
She wants to leave by Christmas,
and she wanted an answer before
she wants to leave by Christmas, and she wanted an answer before then.
And she wanted an answer before then. >> Oh.
Then. >> Oh. Oh, she does, does she?
[ scoffs ]
Okay.
[ Scoffs ] Okay. Well, at first, I was upset.
After I calmed myself down a
well, at first, I was upset. After I calmed myself down a bit, I thought about it.
I tried to be objective...
Bit, I thought about it. I tried to be objective... Tried to understand where you
were coming from.
>> Thank you.
Were coming from. >> Thank you. >> And I've come to a decision.
>> The answer is no.
>> What?
>> You heard me.
No.
>> W-what do you mean "no"?
No to what?
>> To a divorce.
No.
>> I understand where you're
no. >> I understand where you're coming from.
Okay, knowing what we know now,
I'm not gonna insist on it right
okay, knowing what we know now, I'm not gonna insist on it right away, obviously.
>> No. Not by tomorrow, not by
Christmas, not by any deadline
>> no. Not by tomorrow, not by Christmas, not by any deadline she may give you.
I'm not signing divorce papers
for you ever in my life, period.
Good night.
>> So, you have to go by Christmas? >> Look, I understand your
dilemma, Mike.
Just let me go.
Dilemma, Mike. Just let me go. Be with her.
I'm not gonna force you into
be with her. I'm not gonna force you into anything.
And don't worry.
Anything. And don't worry. I'm not gonna back out of the
and don't worry. I'm not gonna back out of the franchise deal.
>> That's not what I'm worried
about.
She's pregnant.
>> Wow. Congratulations. That's exciting.
You are gonna be a great dad.
I hope your baby gets those
you are gonna be a great dad. I hope your baby gets those beautiful long eyelashes.
>> I wasn't ready for this.
Beautiful long eyelashes. >> I wasn't ready for this. I don't want to lose you again,
Alex.
>> Okay.
I can wait.
How long do you think?
>> I'm afraid it may never
how long do you think? >> I'm afraid it may never happen.
>> Okay.
Happen. >> Okay. Hey, it's all right, Mike.
I just want you to be happy.
It's all right.
>> No, it's not me.
She said no -- no to the
>> no, it's not me. She said no -- no to the divorce -- not now, not ever.
>> Oh, my gosh.
Divorce -- not now, not ever. >> Oh, my gosh. She sounds like just like my
>> oh, my gosh. She sounds like just like my ex-husband.
He never wanted to let me go,
either.
That bloodsucking leech.
Either. That bloodsucking leech. Should've known better than to
that bloodsucking leech. Should've known better than to sign that prenup.
So stupid.
Sign that prenup. So stupid. >> Never sign a prenuptial
so stupid. >> Never sign a prenuptial agreement without reading it
>> never sign a prenuptial agreement without reading it carefully.
Agreement without reading it carefully. There are so many snakes to bite
you on the ass that the devil's
there are so many snakes to bite you on the ass that the devil's pitchfork up the wazoo is gonna
come as a welcome relief by
comparison.
Come as a welcome relief by comparison. Scott, how could you not let me
read this fucking bible?
I would've done it for free!
Read this fucking bible? I would've done it for free! And you!
You -- how do you sign this
and you! You -- how do you sign this thing without giving it to me
you -- how do you sign this thing without giving it to me first?!
Thing without giving it to me first?! All right. All right.
First?! All right. All right. Here we go.
Here we go, okay.
Here is the clause that's the
here we go, okay. Here is the clause that's the killer.
If you ask for a divorce, you
have to arrange a formal divorce
if you ask for a divorce, you have to arrange a formal divorce ceremony.
Have to arrange a formal divorce ceremony. Such ceremony must consist of
the guests attended the wedding
such ceremony must consist of the guests attended the wedding in the first place.
The guests attended the wedding in the first place. It has to take place in the same
wedding venue.
The couple will wear the same
attire from their wedding day,
the couple will wear the same attire from their wedding day, and only then is she legally
bound to sign your divorce
application.
Bound to sign your divorce application. On top of that, you also have
the burden of explaining your
on top of that, you also have the burden of explaining your reasons for your divorce.
The burden of explaining your reasons for your divorce. The ceremony will be followed by
a lavish dinner and dancing,
the ceremony will be followed by a lavish dinner and dancing, which will be paid for...
A lavish dinner and dancing, which will be paid for... By you.
In short, she's a genius. [ laughing ] She's got you by the balls.
[ Laughing ] She's got you by the balls. You're fucked.
[ laughing ]
Welcome to the club.
[ Laughing ] Welcome to the club. Although I have some good news.
There's a 10% discount on the
although I have some good news. There's a 10% discount on the people attending.
[ laughing ]
People attending. [ laughing ] Good luck, buddy!
[ Laughing ] Good luck, buddy! [ laughing continue ]
>> Bastard.
[ Laughing continue ] >> Bastard. Con man.
He pulled the "I'll be jewish"
con man. He pulled the "I'll be jewish" wool over our eyes.
>> You mean your eyes.
Wool over our eyes. >> You mean your eyes. I told you it wasn't a proper
>> you mean your eyes. I told you it wasn't a proper conversion.
>> Why would you let that
bastard live in your place?
Why don't you kick him out?
Bastard live in your place? Why don't you kick him out? >> Grandpa!
How does that help me?
At least I'll have somebody to
how does that help me? At least I'll have somebody to call 911 in case, God forbid,
at least I'll have somebody to call 911 in case, God forbid, something happens to me in the
middle of the night.
Something happens to me in the middle of the night. >> Well, you move in with us.
Middle of the night. >> Well, you move in with us. We'll take care of you.
>> Why should you?
It's his responsibility, too.
Nowadays, they say, "we are
it's his responsibility, too. Nowadays, they say, "we are pregnant."
Why should he have the easy way
out?
Let him do his share.
Out? Let him do his share. >> Having a baby is a bliss.
He doesn't deserve to be any
>> having a baby is a bliss. He doesn't deserve to be any part of it.
If I were you, I would kick him
so far away that even his shadow
if I were you, I would kick him so far away that even his shadow couldn't touch that baby.
So far away that even his shadow couldn't touch that baby. >> Enough!
Couldn't touch that baby. >> Enough! 25 years ago, you chased
>> enough! 25 years ago, you chased delilah's father away with the
same attitude, and what was the
result?
Same attitude, and what was the result? He never even showed up for
rachel's funeral.
And who suffered the most?
Rachel's funeral. And who suffered the most? Delilah.
This child has never even seen
delilah. This child has never even seen her father in her entire life.
I'm so sorry to bring this up
now, honey.
This is not our decision to
make.
>> It's Mike. Wait, wait, please. Let me talk to him now.
[ doorbell rings ]
[ Door opens ] >> Hey, grandpa Paul. >> Hi.
[ Sighs ] >> I'm assuming Dylan told you. >> Yes, she told us.
>> I just want to say I have the
>> yes, she told us. >> I just want to say I have the highest regard for you and
elaine.
Highest regard for you and elaine. I think Dylan is a wonderful,
Elaine. I think Dylan is a wonderful, wonderful woman.
I truly love her.
Wonderful woman. I truly love her. I really do.
It's just, uh, you know,
i really do. It's just, uh, you know, sometimes fate kind of plays
it's just, uh, you know, sometimes fate kind of plays tricks on you, and...
Sometimes fate kind of plays tricks on you, and... I never thought I'd run into
alex again in the rest of my
i never thought I'd run into alex again in the rest of my life, but...
Alex again in the rest of my life, but... I did, and, unfortunately, it
just kind of...
Happened at the wrong time.
Just kind of... Happened at the wrong time. >> What do you want from me?
>> Dylan is not really of a
>> what do you want from me? >> Dylan is not really of a sound mind to listen to me, so I
was wondering if you could talk
to her and get her to sign these
papers.
To her and get her to sign these papers. If you do, we can just avoid the
whole prenup and just...
Move on.
Whole prenup and just... Move on. >> My granddaughter never cared
move on. >> My granddaughter never cared for my advice, even when she was
>> my granddaughter never cared for my advice, even when she was choosing a spouse.
For my advice, even when she was choosing a spouse. But don't be discouraged.
Choosing a spouse. But don't be discouraged. I'll do my very best to help you
but don't be discouraged. I'll do my very best to help you out with your divorce.
Living together after this isn't
good for anyone.
Wait.
Good for anyone. Wait. >> And, you know, I will do my
wait. >> And, you know, I will do my best to work on the franchise.
[ Door opens ]
Oh. Is this the prenup? I already have a copy. >> No, it's the guest list from
i already have a copy. >> No, it's the guest list from your wedding.
>> I thought you said you were
gonna help me.
>> I just did.
Gonna help me. >> I just did. I'm now officially butting out
of your lives.
Good luck.
>> Honey, you're going about this all the wrong way. Stop thinking of this as just
your divorce and start thinking
stop thinking of this as just your divorce and start thinking of this as a celebration of our
lives together.
Of this as a celebration of our lives together. Start having fun with it, and if
you do, then the guests will be
start having fun with it, and if you do, then the guests will be more likely to come.
You do, then the guests will be more likely to come. Just think about it.
More likely to come. Just think about it. How many divorceés will ever
just think about it. How many divorceés will ever have this kind of an
how many divorceés will ever have this kind of an opportunity?
Have this kind of an opportunity? [ upbeat music plays ]
>> ♪ Free, free, love for sale ♪ I'm free, free ♪ out on bail
♪ I'm free, free
♪ out of jail
♪ and the grass grows greener
way up the hill ♪
>> ♪ I'm free, free
♪ cheers to you
♪ I'm free, free
♪ so are you
>> good luck.
♪ So are you >> good luck. >> ♪ and I won't be coming home
anytime soon ♪
>> ♪ I'm free, free
♪ love for sale
♪ I'm free, free
♪ out on bail
♪ I'm free, free
♪ out of jail
♪ and the grass grows greener
way up the hill ♪
>> every day, every hour you're
on the road.
>> Every day, every hour you're on the road. It's a carmaggeddon for you,
dick.
>> Don't call him that near my
school, mom!
>> Be quiet.
School, mom! >> Be quiet. Mommy and daddy are talking.
>> It doesn't mean you can take
mommy and daddy are talking. >> It doesn't mean you can take away my day with him.
>> No?
Away my day with him. >> No? >> No.
>> ♪ and I'm free, free, free
>> no. >> ♪ and I'm free, free, free >> ♪ love for sale
♪ I'm free, free
♪ out on bail
♪ I'm free, free
♪ out of jail
♪ and the grass grows greener
way up the hill ♪
>> ♪ I'm free, free
♪ cheers to you
♪ I'm free, free
♪ so are you
>> [ Laughing ]
♪ So are you >> [ Laughing ] This is hilarious!
[ laughs ]
Oh, you got to accept this funny
gift.
>> Hi. Come to my divorce.
Gift. >> Hi. Come to my divorce. You are coming to my divorce.
Divorce ceremony.
Henley's only, okay?
>> What the fuck?
Who the fuck are you?
Some high-school friend?
Some college roommate?
Who the fuck is this, Brad?
>> Honey, I have no idea.
I swear to God, I don't even
>> honey, I have no idea. I swear to God, I don't even know who this idiot is.
>> Brad, it's me --
mike Christian.
I'm Dylan lipnick's husband.
Mike Christian. I'm Dylan lipnick's husband. >> Oh! Oh, yeah!
>> So you do know him!
Did you just lie to me?
>> I mean -- I don't exactly
did you just lie to me? >> I mean -- I don't exactly know --
>> fuck you!
Know -- >> fuck you! How dare you fucking lie to me
on my fucking wedding day before
how dare you fucking lie to me on my fucking wedding day before my fucking honeymoon?!
On my fucking wedding day before my fucking honeymoon?! >> Ohh!
My fucking honeymoon?! >> Ohh! >> Aah!
>> So, a young jewish couple
>> aah! >> So, a young jewish couple gets successfully divorced, but
>> so, a young jewish couple gets successfully divorced, but the wife says to the judge, "now
I have to apply for a get."
The wife says to the judge, "now I have to apply for a get." And the judge says, "get what?"
She says, "no, that's the name
and the judge says, "get what?" She says, "no, that's the name for a jewish ceremony which is
she says, "no, that's the name for a jewish ceremony which is for a divorce."
For a jewish ceremony which is for a divorce." And he says, "oh, I understand.
For a divorce." And he says, "oh, I understand. In other words, you mean like a
and he says, "oh, I understand. In other words, you mean like a bris."
She says, "yes, except that in a
bris, it's one thing.
In a get, you get to get rid of
the entire schmuck."
[ laughter ]
The entire schmuck." [ laughter ] >> Hey, there.
[ Laughter ] >> Hey, there. You and me -- divorce ceremony.
Thanks.
Come here.
>> Look what he brings me -- a
come here. >> Look what he brings me -- a divorce invitation.
>> ♪ I'm free, free
♪ cheers to you
♪ I'm free, free
♪ so are you
>> hi.
♪ So are you >> hi. I would like to invite you to my
divorce.
>> Is it true you're actually
seeking a divorce from Dylan?
>> Uh...No comment.
Seeking a divorce from Dylan? >> Uh...No comment. >> ♪ oh, I'm free
>> uh...No comment. >> ♪ oh, I'm free ♪ free
♪ free, free
♪ cheers to you
♪ I'm free, free
♪ so are you
♪ I'm free, free
♪ skies are blue
♪ and I won't be coming home
anytime soon ♪
>> you are coming to my divorce.
Anytime soon ♪ >> you are coming to my divorce. Be there.
>> You are coming to my divorce. Be there. Hey, Paul and Amber.
Divorce invitation.
I'll see you there, okay?
>> Oh, my God! It's Mike! Oh, my God! Mike! I'm so happy you're here!
I was hoping that you were gonna
come.
I saw you on the cover of that
one magazine.
Is this for me?
One magazine. Is this for me? >> You're coming to my divorce.
See you there.
>> Okay.
>> I actually think I'm gonna
>> okay. >> I actually think I'm gonna bring a plus-one because I
didn't bring anyone the last
time.
Didn't bring anyone the last time. >> Joseph Armstrong in the
house!
>> That's because there wasn't
an open bar, but this time, I
>> that's because there wasn't an open bar, but this time, I think there's going to be.
An open bar, but this time, I think there's going to be. You know what I mean?
Think there's going to be. You know what I mean? >> And I'm done!
That's it!
>> According to the prenuptial agreement, it is incumbent upon the person who initiated the
divorce to invite all of those
who attended the original
wedding -- minus 10%.
Who attended the original wedding -- minus 10%. Mr. Christian has done this
successfully.
As decreed in the prenuptial
agreement, Mrs. Christian must
as decreed in the prenuptial agreement, Mrs. Christian must sign the divorce petition.
>> Well... It feels weird to be offering congratulations to you, Mike.
I didn't think you could pull it
off.
I have never had such a strong
bond with anyone as I have with
you.
Bond with anyone as I have with you. I have never been so in love.
You. I have never been so in love. And I thought you felt the same
way.
I guess I was wrong.
Way. I guess I was wrong. In the past few weeks, I've seen
how much trouble Mike has gone
in the past few weeks, I've seen how much trouble Mike has gone through to get all of you here
today.
Through to get all of you here today. He has shown tremendous
persistence to end this marriage
he has shown tremendous persistence to end this marriage and unite with Alex.
Persistence to end this marriage and unite with Alex. Maybe that means she deserves
him more than I do.
>> And now, according to the prenuptial agreement... Mr. Christian will reveal his
reasons for a divorce.
>> [ Clears throat ]
Thank you, Dylan. And thank you, all, for coming today and sparing your valuable
and thank you, all, for coming today and sparing your valuable time for me.
Today and sparing your valuable time for me. Getting all you here was no easy
task, I can assure you that.
It was no fun having doors
slammed in my face, getting the
it was no fun having doors slammed in my face, getting the evil eye on the street, being
spat upon, punched in the face,
and told I am a horrible person
for deserting my pregnant wife.
And told I am a horrible person for deserting my pregnant wife. This little...Event was not my
idea.
It all happened because Dylan
slipped a little clause in our
it all happened because Dylan slipped a little clause in our prenup...
Slipped a little clause in our prenup... A clause I never bothered to
read.
Otherwise, I never would have
had to face this shit storm and
otherwise, I never would have had to face this shit storm and see all of you, but I did.
Had to face this shit storm and see all of you, but I did. And today, I am a winner...
See all of you, but I did. And today, I am a winner... [ applause ]
...A winner not just because I
got my way, but because I made
...a winner not just because I got my way, but because I made the journey.
Got my way, but because I made the journey. I followed through on this.
The journey. I followed through on this. It was a journey of meeting
people, talking with them,
it was a journey of meeting people, talking with them, reasoning with some, arguing
with others, listening to their
pains, their turmoils, their
successes, their failures, their
mistakes and their regrets --
their life lessons.
Mistakes and their regrets -- their life lessons. Now, I was mad at Dylan for
making me come here today.
I thought she was a selfish,
stubborn woman...
Until I ran into a single mom
with five kids who asked me a
until I ran into a single mom with five kids who asked me a question.
With five kids who asked me a question. She said, "what if Dylan had
instigated the divorce?
Would she have to go through the
same hell?"
So, I read the prenup again,
and, sure as shit, she'd have to
so, I read the prenup again, and, sure as shit, she'd have to go through the same hell I did.
And, sure as shit, she'd have to go through the same hell I did. That's when I realized that this
clause wasn't evil after all.
It was fair -- to both of us.
Clause wasn't evil after all. It was fair -- to both of us. And it was fair to our unborn
it was fair -- to both of us. And it was fair to our unborn child that the parents aren't
and it was fair to our unborn child that the parents aren't gonna just walk away from each
other.
Gonna just walk away from each other. I realized that this -- this
long journey that I had to take
was the perfect counseling for a
torn, confused man like me.
Was the perfect counseling for a torn, confused man like me. When I put on this suit today, I
was reminded how I felt on my
when I put on this suit today, I was reminded how I felt on my wedding day.
I've been thinking a lot about the word "love" lately. Love is a...
The word "love" lately. Love is a... Powerful emotion.
Love is this...
Indescribable feeling you get
love is this... Indescribable feeling you get when you see someone who you
indescribable feeling you get when you see someone who you know will do anything for you...
When you see someone who you know will do anything for you... When you see someone with a life
growing inside of them, a life
when you see someone with a life growing inside of them, a life you helped create.
Love is sticking it out. Living with someone day after day, waking up next to them
living with someone day after day, waking up next to them every morning with their bad
breath and their hair matted to
one side of their head, and you
just look at them and you think,
"god, she's beautiful."
Just look at them and you think, "god, she's beautiful." That's love.
"God, she's beautiful." That's love. Dylan, I've given you every
that's love. Dylan, I've given you every reason not to love me...
And only one reason to.
Reason not to love me... And only one reason to. I love you.
You once said to me, you said,
if only your thesis could change
you once said to me, you said, if only your thesis could change one person...
If only your thesis could change one person... It did.
I'm sorry, Alex.
I have to do this.
So, in front of all of you... I am begging you, Dylan, to please forgive me for all the
pain that I have caused you.
Please forgive me for all the pain that I have caused you. Dylan, will you remarry me?
Pain that I have caused you. Dylan, will you remarry me? >> Both: Yes!
>> Yes.
>> Yes, but...
You're gonna have to work for
>> yes, but... You're gonna have to work for it.
>> I promise.
It. >> I promise. >> [ chuckles ]
[ cheers and applause ]
[ Upbeat music plays ]
>> Mazel tov! >> ♪ feels so good this morning ♪
♪ I want to leap before I look
around ♪
♪ I know that I'm falling ♪ I think it's what this life's about ♪
♪ what you say is infatuation
♪ call it passion
♪ no sin, no crime
♪ in fact, I'm truly grateful
♪ promise of love seems so
alive ♪
♪ let's see
♪ take it outside
>> all right, now listen up!
♪ Take it outside >> all right, now listen up! Now, all of you who had sex last
night...
>> Yeah!
Night... >> Yeah! >> Let's go!
Step up!
Get your picture ta-- oh!
>> All right!
>> Couple late bloomers.
Couple late bloomers.
Okay, okay.
>> Uh-oh.
>> Oh!
Oh!
No kissing and telling, buddy.
All right, now...
Those of you who had sex with
all right, now... Those of you who had sex with the groom!
Somebody got to be in with the
groom!
Sorry, Dylan.
Groom! Sorry, Dylan. Oh!
>> Okay, mama.
Yeah, come here.
Rrr!
[ chuckles ]
>> Thanks for playing.
[ Chuckles ] >> Thanks for playing. All right, now, those of you who
>> thanks for playing. All right, now, those of you who were screwed by the groom.
>> Yeah!
Were screwed by the groom. >> Yeah! [ crowd ohhs ]
>> Aww!
[ Crowd ohhs ] >> Aww! >> Pick your head up, buddy.
Pick your head up, buddy.
Come on.
Smile about it.
It's a celebration.
All right. All right.
A good sport.
Now, those of you...
Who screwed the groom, big-time.
Somebody did.
[ crowd "oohs" ]
[ laughter ]
[ Crowd "oohs" ] [ laughter ] Ohh! Ugh!
[ Laughter ] Ohh! Ugh! Hey! Oh!
Okay, all right, hey, um...
>> Hurted me more than it hurted
okay, all right, hey, um... >> Hurted me more than it hurted you.
>> Might need some counseling
on
>> might need some counseling on that one.
On that one. All right, now, those of you,
who, unfortunately...
Saw the groom butt naked having
sex.
That was us!
Sex. That was us! [ laughter ]
That was us!
[ Laughter ] That was us! [ cheers and applause ]
Get in.
[ Cheers and applause ] Get in. >> You know what?
>> Michael --
>> you know what? >> Michael -- don't touch him.
Stay away from him.
Don't touch him. Stay away from him. Stay away from him.
All right, now, those of you...
Who would like to go on a
all right, now, those of you... Who would like to go on a honeymoon with the groom,
who would like to go on a honeymoon with the groom, come on down!
Honeymoon with the groom, come on down! >> Yeah, see?
Come on down! >> Yeah, see? She wants to go.
>> Here they --
she wants to go. >> Here they -- boy, they --
>> here they -- boy, they -- >> oh! [ laughs ]
Boy, they -- >> oh! [ laughs ] I'm starting to think something
here.
>> You love it.
Here. >> You love it. And once you go Mike, you don't
>> you love it. And once you go Mike, you don't go anywhere else.
>> There something you want to
tell me?
>> No. No, there's nothing.
Tell me? >> No. No, there's nothing. There is nothing.
>> Okay, just making sure.
Last but certainly not least --
>> okay, just making sure. Last but certainly not least -- I feel like we all want to do
last but certainly not least -- I feel like we all want to do this -- who wants to go on a
honeymoon with the bride?
This -- who wants to go on a honeymoon with the bride? That's all of you!
Honeymoon with the bride? That's all of you! That's everybody!
That's all of you!
>> You're kidding me!
>> No! She's mine!
Unh-unh! No!
Absolutely not!
[ laughing ]
Whoo!
[ Laughing ] Whoo! >> Get it, man!
>> ♪ I'm staying with you