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It's a normal Tuesday in Britain.
There's a hint of drizzle in the air and traffic is at a standstill.
We know that driving is meant to be more fun than this.
We know that cars are meant to be more fun than this.
So we decided what we'd do is give you an hour or so of escapism,
of perfect roads and perfect cars.
Yeah. So, what we're going to do is
strip away all the things that drive us mad,
roadworks, Peugeots, speed cameras...
- James May. - Yeah, we'll get rid of him.
He's always holding us up.
And then we will end up with the perfect road trip.
Strangely, Jeremy insisted we should start here, in Venice,
where all the streets are full of water.
Why are we in Venice?
Because I wanted to drive the Riva Aquarama.
Why?
Because it's the most beautiful thing ever made
and because it's got two V8s.
Okay, we are starting in Venice because he wanted to drive a... What is it?
- Riva Aquarama. - Riva Aquarama.
- The most beautiful thing ever made. - The most beautiful thing ever made
and it's got... Two V8s?
- Two V8s. - Two V8s!
And we're going to set off from here on a journey across Italy,
across France, to... Where are we going?
- Pau. - To Pau... Pau?
Why are we going to Pau?
Because that is where the first ever Grand Prix was held.
- Pau? - Yeah.
- Never heard of it. - The track's still there.
We're going to drive the very first Grand Prix track.
Whatever. Between here and there, we're going to be on motorways,
mountain roads, rally stages, racetracks and cities.
And in every place, we are both going to pick what we believe
is the perfect mode of transport.
It's going to be the perfect week.
Perfect weather, perfect start, perfect boat, perfect everything!
- Perfect. - And no James May.
That's better than perfect.
Over the next seven days, our quest for perfection
would take us from Venice towards the Italian Lakes.
From there we'd head south to the Mediterranean,
for a drive along the French Riviera to Saint-Tropez.
Then we'd swing inland again towards the finishing point at Pau.
Do we look like Tubbs and Crockett?
Or Tubby and Crotchety?
- No, seriously. That's perfect, though. - Tubby and Crotchety.
Venice Vice.
Having docked the L200,000 speedboat,
I switched to an even more expensive car.
The new, grown-up, less tail-happy Black edition of the SLS.
In Victorian times, people would come through Venice
on what was called "the grand tour",
so that's why I've gone for the Mercedes,
because it is the ultimate grand tourer.
Mmm-hmm. Except, it isn't the ultimate because this is, the Ferrari F12.
No, no. That's too powerful.
- Too powerful? - It is too powerful.
I said that... It is!
You did say it on the programme and I thought then...
You see this? I will be able to use all of the power.
Yes?
In that, you will not be able to use all of the power
because you'll end up halfway up a telegraph pole.
No, I'll be able to all of the power
but there will be more power than you've got, that's all that's about.
A grand tourer should be powerful
- and creamy and grunty and... - Uh...
Six hundred and twenty-two horsepower, it's not a wheelbarrow.
- Seven hundred and thirty! It's more. - I know.
Hammond!
Let's just go across Italy, shall we, in our grand tourers?
Yes. Yes.
I'LL go quickly, you big girl.
Oh, God!
Oh, that's a lot of power!
Maybe that's too much! No, it's not too much.
Jeremy's being a wuss. It's just enough.
It's just I don't need to use all of it right now.
I'm going to use a bit Less. Maybe this much of it.
The changes from that gearbox are incredible.
It's a double clutch gear box. In actual fact,
it's exactly the same unit as in Jeremy's Mercedes SLS.
It's just Ferrari have put their own mapping,
their own computer control on this particular one.
And it's set up so that when you change,
it spikes the engine revs so it surges when you change.
Dear God!
This body isn't just pretty,
it's been sculpted to maximise the air flowing over it to generate down force
to stick it to the road
There have been a number of Black Special Edition Mercs in the past
and almost all of them have been, well, dreadful, really. Undriveable.
They generated too much torque. So every time you put your foot down,
it felt like they were trying to tear themselves apart.
You'd be going along and it'd be sucking birds
and trees and squirrels into the engine
and then ripping up the road and hurling chunks of tarmac out of the back
and it was just... They were ridiculous.
This, though, Mercedes has been clever
because, yes, it generates more power than a standard SLS
but 11 fewer torques. So now...
You put your foot down, it translates that action into speed,
not destructions.
Oh, but you can't beat a V8!
I mean, yes, a V12 is nice. But a V8 is nicer.
It just is.
I'm just saying you can't beat a V8.
Oh, I like a 12, I do like a big powerful, slightly angry 12.
That's a great car, that.
It's... You just give it a little poke,
"Excuse me, could you..."
That is insane!
I was very happy.
And therefore a bit surprised when Jeremy suddenly veered off
toward some old Italian town.
There it is.
- What? That? - Yeah.
That is the actual balcony from Romeo and Juliet.
- Yeah. Couple of points. - What?
I've got a Ferrari, it's a beautiful day, I'm in Italy.
You're looking at a balcony that was in a story... Story!
Made up by a man who you said you don't like.
I hate William Shakespeare but it's... Come on!
It's not real, it's a story. It was pretend.
You're on a tour of Europe, you need to see stuff.
I'm on a tour of Europe, in a Ferrari,
except I'm not in a Ferrari,
I'm standing here Looking at an old building.
Happily, a big crowd of Italian Top Gear fans then stopped him
from getting into some old theatre so we could get back on the motorway.
If he's going to ruin this road trip
by stopping off to look at old things that don't move, I'll...
I should've remembered, of course,
Hammond isn't going to want to do anything cultural
and he isn't going to want to eat anything interesting.
It's like travelling around with a garden chair.
I therefore decided to annoy him some more.
- Hammond? - What?
Shall we turn off here?
What, now? Why would we?
Well, because I'm bored of driving on motorways, I want to go on other roads.
Is there an old pile of bricks
or a gate that once featured in a fairy tale down here?
No, no. It's driving but just on nice roads.
We're not going to look at Hansel and Gretel's handbag or something?
In fact, we were heading for the Italian Lakes,
a sparkling jewel in the golden crown of our perfect journey.
And soon I realised that cars like these on days like these
have been used before, at the beginning of. The Italian job.
I know just the music we need for this bit of our drive.
Cue the Monro.
Ooh, this is pretty,
Looking at all of these Italian things from my Italian grand touring supercar.
We just have to be careful that if we go into a tunnel,
we don't hit a bulldozer.
Oh, that's just... Oh!
This is just magnificent.
But soon the real reason for turning off became apparent.
As the roads became more twisty,
the Ferrari was becoming more of a handful.
Oh-ho! Oh!
Uh, just need to be a bit careful about unleashing 730 brake horsepower.
It's actually more than an F1 car and I'm conscious of that right now.
Help! Oh!
Oh! Yeah.
I wasn't scared
I have no doubt that the Ferrari is faster than this
but this is just nicer to drive 'cause it's less frightening.
With the F12, Ferrari have given you everything you need
to have an incredible drive
or get yourself into a very great deal of trouble.
Get a racing driver in this car and he will tell you,
"Yes, that is a real car."
It's not been tamed for people to park at the golf course
and talk about in the bar.
It's amazing how different this is to the standard SLS,
which would be wobbling its bottom all over everywhere.
This isn't because of its electronic differential.
You can think of it really like a Porsche GT3,
lightened, hard, focused, on it, built for this.
The SLS behaving like this is like
Eddie Izzard doing Richard III, it's...
It's almost weird to watch a pantomime character
become so straight.
Weird and yet brilliant.
Eventually, we reached our overnight halt
and I went for supper with my cultured colleague.
What do you mean you prefer the Lake District?
Well, this is beautiful It is.
- And to be honest, for me... - More beautiful than Derwentwater.
Garda's not even the prettiest lake and look at it!
It's very lovely. Just scale it down to 75% of that
and then introduce a bit of drizzle and...
- Is Keswick in the Lake District? - Ooh, yeah.
What you don't get in Keswick are these. Have you had one?
- No. - Have a pepper. Eat.
Eat. Eat it. Go on, you'll like it.
I don't like it.
Then we thought we'd play our favourite game.
He's got the Ferrari options pricelist there
and I'm going to guess how much they cost.
There are quite a Lot of options available.
Pick some.
Okay. Racing seats with carbon fibre.
I don't know, 600 quid?
L5,184.
- I was a bit under. - Yeah.
But carbon fibre wheel caps, on the tyres, you know, on the...
- What, dust caps? - Yeah.
Carbon fibre dust caps? Tenner.
L480. I thought that was cheap.
- What, for four dust caps? - Yeah.
L480?
Are the cup holders standard?
There is a carbon fibre cup holder you can get.
- A carbon fibre cup holder? - Yeah, you know, it pops in...
Well, they were?600 on a Lamborghini Gallardo a while back,
so I'LL go a thousand.
L2,112. Yeah, this is amazing.
Really, the car is the cheapest option.
The next day, we consulted a map and realised
we were just a spit from the fastest Grand Prix track on the calendar...
Monza.
The Cathedral of Speed.
Because it's so fast,
I've ditched the Ferrari and upped the ante
to this Pagani Huayra,
still a V12 but now with two turbos.
'Cause what you need here is a missile.
I've gone for a Porsche Cayman S.
- You're just being obtuse. - I'm not.
You are. You've gone for a Porsche
so you can not go for a 911. It's just annoying.
This is better than a 911.
- It isn't! A 911 is better than that. - It isn't.
- Because the 911 has its engine here. - Yes.
- This is mid-engine. - Because it isn't a 911.
- No! - It's better!
Listen, if we were driving around Cadwell Park, Lydden Hill...
- Yeah. - Nippy and fizzy, yes!
But not here at Monza. You need power.
You're just hung up on this
- great big long straight. - Yes.
But there must be a corner down there somewhere,
otherwise you wouldn't be able to get down there again.
There has to be... In fact there've got to be two corners.
- Yes, genius, that's two corners. - Yeah.
Brilliant. Do you know what?
The Pagani Huayra goes around corners really incredibly well.
You will not believe how fast this goes around corners.
- Okay. - It's a lot better.
If s true, I don't like Porches
and I don't much like the people who drive them,
especially the ones called James and Richard.
I didn't much like the original Cayman, either,
I called it the Cockster.
And there are one or two things that I don't much like about this.
The styling, for example, I think it looks too like a 911.
And then there's the seats, the shoulder bolsters are too narrow.
So, if you're broad-shouldered and hunky, like me,
you're getting sort of squashed all the time.
However, the rest of it is absolutely sublime.
You've got these adaptive dampers, which means that it rides
and handles and steers like the very best supercars.
But the best thing is the engine. A 3.4-litre flat six.
There's just no thing about it that's wrong.
And all the time it makes this... You can hear that
deep, reassuring noise,
it's like having Richard Burton in the boot,
endlessly complimenting you on your hair
and your clothes and your driving style.
Oh, my God! That is so fast!
Oh, my God!
230, 240, 250,
260 kilometres an hour.
270! Oh, dear God.
Oh! I scared the crap out of myself then.
Holy sh...
Oh, my God!
What a machine!
Monza is all about speed
and a Pagani Huayra is about that and very little else.
6.3-litre, v12, twin turbos.
Truly, enormously powerful.
Turning in, immense grip from those fat tyres.
I have aero, active aero keeping me planted on the track.
These things are built to work as well, they're not some fragile trailer queen.
This car I'm in has done 86,000 kilometres.
And I'm guessing not many of them were gentle.
The Ferrari would've been good at this but not as good as the Huayra.
The problem is Hammond is going too fast,
he's not savouring this glorious, historical tracks.
He's just wolfing it down, like a dog wolfs down a steak.
What I'm doing is masticating, enjoying every mouthful.
As Jeremy crawled round in his wrong car,
I was waiting for him to get back to the pits.
He's going to be a while, isn't he?
While he's gone, let me show you the interior of the Pagani.
It's worth seeing.
They want it to feel special in here and I think they've succeeded.
They've really put thought into this, making it feel special.
This gear linkage here, all these parts,
there's 67 components have gone into making that
in that skeleton form, so you can see it working.
And the materials, too, it's all genuine,
a lot of real carbon fibre, real leather. And the aluminium,
every single aluminium component you can see in here isn't cast,
it's milled from a single piece, a single billet, a lump of aluminium.
All of which means it feels as expensive as it is.
I like this car. He's not back yet, is he?
This is the only track in the world with two lesbos, the first one's quite tight,
second one, though, you can really hang your arse out
There it is.
It's 12 cylinders in total. Let's count them, it'll pass the time.
One, two... Oh, I'm going too quickly, might as well make it last.
Three... Oh, hang on. Oh!
You must be feeling now...
- What? - ...that you brought the wrong car.
Let me read you something, if I may. Talking about this.
"The car's cornering balance is near perfect,
"neutral but unerringly predictable on a balanced throttle
"and biased ever so slightly towards understeer
"if you throttle up before you begin easing
"the lateral load out of the front tyres.™
Not my words, the words of Autocar magazine.
Wow! What do those words actually mean?
- I've no idea. - Me, neither.
But I'm going to go back out there now and throttle up
before I've eased the lateral load out of the front tyres and see what happens.
- Yeah! - That's what I'm going to do.
I have no idea what any of that means. I haven't a clue.
Right! Throttle up.
Oh, now you see?
Now, that's just a spin.
Now, you see, Autocar, that's oversteer.
Sometime you read road tests and you do think, "What are you on about?"
It's a really nice car and you can get the arse out.
Finally.
- Still pretending to have fun? - Yeah.
- Will, uh, will Poo be like this? - Will what?
Poo, when we go there.
Oh, Pau?
Do you know my favourite bit?
Yes. Yes. - You could...
The Porsche through there, it's just a streak of lightning.
Nothing is faster than that.
Nothing is. Nothing's faster... Or through there.
Yes, you're getting a bit carried away. It's fast. It's a quick little car.
To be honest, it's more at home in this bit here.
You could "Oh, look!" past the shops
and "Oh, there's a school and a supermarket."
And that's really where it belongs. Not here.
- You're wrong. - I'm not wrong.
Hammond, I bet you anything you like that around here the Porsche is faster.
Jeremy, that's...
- Okay! - Whoever loses has to say,
"I love James May."
They have to say that on television to a camera.
Fine.
You actually have to go up to the camera and go, "I love James May."
All right. Well, I look forward to hearing you say it.
Oh, they're lesmos.
I thought there was lesbo one and... It's lesmo...
Martin Brundle must have had a cold.
Right.
And we are away.
Oh, God! This is just embarrassing
because where's going to be my sense of achievement when I thrash him?
There is a point with cars
where they become so powerful and so fast
they become too hectic and too frightening.
That's the problem with the... Huayra.
Through the first of the lesmo corners, as it turns out.
I know it sounds silly but once you go
beyond 500-550 horsepower, you end up driving the car more slowly.
It's weird but it's true.
Never has there beem a more stark example of
bringing a knife to a gunfight.
The Porsche, around here, I'm absolutely pinning it everywhere.
It doesn't worry me, it's not frightening, it's easy.
That thing, though...
Well, we shall see.
My case will be proven and he will be saying, "I love James May."
That's 270 I saw there.
He won't see anything like that.
Oh.
I hear the sound of an approaching midget.
Fully on the power.
Ready, steady...
And across the line!
Two minutes, 14.8.
We'll call it 2:15.
Then it was the Cayman's turn.
Really, I am taking no pleasure in this.
But he does need to learn a lesson,
that you can't just go making stupid claims about a car
just 'cause you like it.
No, seriously, that thing round... I could be using an egg timer.
How does he imagine he can possibly make up enough time?
No matter how good he thinks he is in it.
Clearly, it's not going to... Anyway.
- You what? - Mate!
Where... Why aren't you...
I didn't say I'd be driving it.
Well, who is?
Well, some say it's The Stig, and it is.
Did you at any point say I had to drive it? No.
Did you at any point say you were going to use The Stig?
Why would you not?
Because I think in every possible definition,
in every set of rules, it's cheating.
Oh, here he is.
2:13:2.
- 2:13:2. - Yes.
You were 2:14:8. So he's one point...
So, there you are, ladies and gentlemen, the Porsche is, as I said,
faster than the, uh... Huayra.
And therefore was a more sensible choice of car.
- No. The Stig is faster than me. - What?
But The Stig is faster than everyone, that's the point of The Stig,
if he wasn't he'd explode.
As we left Monza in the Mercedes and the Ferrari,
the mood was glum.
It's cheating.
The next morning, however, Hammond cheered up
when he discovered the name of the town where we'd stayed the night.
From Bra to the French Riviera,
we could've used the motorway.
But we decided instead
to use the finest switchback roads
in the world.
This meant ditching the Mercedes
and the Ferrari
and opting for these instead.
On a road like this,
you need something small, you need a hot hatchback.
And if you're going to get a hot hatchback,
why not get the king? This one.
The Golf GTI.
I loved the Mk1
and the 16-valve Mk2 wasn't bad, either.
But since then... I mean, they weren't bad
but the magic went missing.
With this one, though, the Mk7, it is back.
This car can do everything.
It's well made, it's sensibly priced.
It's economical, it's well-equipped.
It seats five, it's got a big boot.
But strip all that away and underneath,
its DNA is hot hatchery.
Two-litre turbo engine, 220 horsepower
and no torque steer.
Now, watch this. Foot hard down, going around a hairpin bend.
It's just astonishing.
The front diff on this is beyond belief.
Whoa! God, this is good.
He's got it wrong again.
The Golf GTI, it's a brilliant car,
it's probably the best all-rounder in the world.
But that's... That's the point,
an all-rounder is exactly what you don't need.
An all-rounder is inevitably compromised.
I just want pure distilled essence of hot hatch.
And that means only one thing right now.
The Fiesta ST.
When Ford put this car together, they assembled all the right bits
and thought, "Yeah, I reckon that would be good."
I don't think they could possibly have known
quite how good it was going to turn out to be,
because it's astonishing.
It's down on power compared to the Golf, yes.
But it's smaller, that's more hot hatch.
And it's lighter,
which means the power-to-weight ratio is pretty much the same.
And it's beyond nimble.
You start to just take liberties with it.
Deliberately running a line a little bit wide,
so you get the pleasure of turning it back in.
It's superb.
It's the biggest grin-maker I think the world has ever seen.
In the next village, though, inevitably
Jeremy decided we should get something to eat.
Why aren't you eating your lunch?
I don't like pesto.
- What? - I don't like pesto.
- Why not? - It's just bits.
There was, however, a very good reason why we'd stopped.
You've got to say it. You lost the bet, you've got to say it.
I'm not saying it.
You've got to say it.
I beat you fair and square. The Porsche was faster.
- It wasn't fair. You cheated. - Say it.
What?
...James May.
- There. - No. Say it so it's audible.
I... love James May.
With that done, we got back in our cars.
When you think of an American road trip, you think of Monument Valley,
that road spearing off into the distance.
Well, this is Europe's equivalent of Monument Valley.
This might just be my favourite bit of our trip so far.
The car, the place.
This is perfect.
When God was making this part of the world,
it was for hot hatchbacks. That's what it's for.
Unfortunately, however,
our headlong charge down the Alps
was halted because we ran out of land.
- Mmm, that. - What?
Well, it's Monte-Carlo. If we drive into there
in a Volkswagen and a Ford, they'll arrest us for vagrancy.
That's a good point.
- I mean, you can be an arms dealer... - Yeah.
...but you can't drive around in a Fiesta.
- There's a limit. - We're going to need to switch.
For posing, these were the cars we selected.
A Lamborghini Aventador Roadster for Hammond
and a Bugatti Veyron for me.
Now, this is no ordinary Veyron,
this is the Grand Sport Vitesse.
Eight-litre, quad-cam W16.
Top speed 251 miles an hour
with no roof.
Here it is in its natural habitat.
I'm in second gear. I'm now using second gear
for, well, the first time since I set off.
And back down to first.
It is extraordinary that here men get up
from their bachelor pads at about 10:00,
get into their cars that they bought using money they should have paid in tax
and then spend all day
driving round and round and round in circles.
Why?
People see me in my orange Lamborghini Aventador Roadster
and think, "Yes. There's a man of potency and wealth."
And then two seconds later, they see that Bugatti Veyron
and think, "There's a richer, more powerful man."
I'm sorry about this, mate,
but once again, you're in the wrong car.
I take issue with the "once again"
but, yes, for the first time, I've got the wrong car.
Nobody is looking at you, nobody.
If I had spent?290,000
on a Lamborghini to drive around Monaco
and you turned up in that,
I'd just drive this into a wall.
This is the snobbiest place on earth.
It makes...
It makes Los Angeles look like North Korea.
And this snobbery is an issue
when you try to get your car valet parked.
The problem is that chap has just turned up outside the Hotel de Paris
in a Ferrari California.
The cheapest Ferrari there is.
Nevertheless, he likes it very much.
Yeah, and it's nice. And as a result, it's there.
- Okay? 'Cause it looks good. - Yeah.
But in a minute,
a Kazakhstani arms dealer is going to arrive in a nicer car
and the Ferrari is going to be taken away
and put in a multi-storey on the other side of Monaco.
But we pull up there
in a Bugatti Veyron and a Lamborghini Aventador Roadster,
are you're saying something better is going to come along than that?
In Monte-Carlo, I promise you,
someone would turn up in the USS Enterprise
and our cars would be in the multi-storey.
It doesn't matter how good your car is,
the valet parkers will ultimately take it away
because something better always arrives.
There's got to be a way around this. This is the perfect motoring trip.
So we go and check in there, in a car,
- on our perfect road trip... - Yeah.
...we come out in the morning, it's still there.
That's our challenge.
It's going to have to be pretty special.
Oh, yeah.
Hammond, however, opted to go
with one of the best-selling cars the world has ever seen.
A Model T Ford.
And straightaway there was a problem.
We didn't know how it worked.
Right, now, look.
Let's list the things.
There are... There's three pedals.
How do you... Where's the gear? Is this the gear? That's...
Oh, if it's... I haven't got my foot on the clutch.
- That isn't the clutch. - Well, then...
Which one's the accelerator?
That's the accelerator. It isn't a pedal, I'm sure...
How am I going to get my foot up there?
- Um... What's that do? - Right, well, start it.
That's not the starter!
Eventually, Hammond did make it begin.
But then we learned he didn't know how to make it stop.
Oh, now what have I done?
We're going faster!
That's not the handbrake. Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it now!
Right, forwards.
- Hang on. Now, ready. - Forwards.
- That's not forwards. - No, it's not at all, is it?
Stop it. Make it stop.
It doesn't really want to, do you know?
Make it stop!
Uh, Jeremy, we've held up Monaco.
- Have we? - Look.
Oh, God.
Soon, however, we were nearing our destination.
It's not often I say this, Hammond,
but you have been a genius.
You have never said that.
Because if we can't drive this,
what chance do the valet parkers at the Hotel de Paris have?
None, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
They'll want to move this but they won't be able to.
- Bonjour, monsieur. - Hello, sir.
Shut it down.
All yours.
- Bonjour. - Bonjour.
Bonjour.
So, would the valet staff be successful?
No.
So, there we go. That is how to beat the valet parkers.
Buy a car they can't drive.
Yes, but the problem is
today we are going
down the French Riviera to Saint-Tropez
and I'm not sure
I want to go in that.
I'm not sure I'd actually go anywhere in It.
This is a Jaguar E-Type.
It's a 1962 Series 1 Roadster
with the proper 3.8-litre straight six.
And it's not just any 1962 E-Type.
It's mine.
And I can think of no car
more perfect for a day like today.
Oh, I can.
Because I am in a V8 F-Type.
This is faster than Hammond's E-Type.
It's more comfortable, more economical, more reliable,
more air-conditioned
And even though it costs?86,000,
it's cheaper.
Wake up, Frenchies.
Oh, that's a racket.
Can you hear the exhausts from back there?
They can hear them back in Venice.
Never has a car been more perfectly tailored to its environment
than this is here.
This is where the jetset was invented.
We are in Jag country, I can feel it.
Not a restaurant bill will have been paid around here for decades.
Just Jaguar tyre marks where they've screeched away.
"I'm sorry. I'll pop off and get my wallet."
There used to be a TV series in the '70s
called The Persuaders! with Roger Moore and Tony Curtis.
And I'm hearing that music now.
Roger Moore, Tony Curtis,
whizzing about down here in a Ferrari Dino
and an Aston Martin DBS,
solving many things,
punching men and saving womens.
I was enjoying it too. Until...
Hammond, the Picasso museum's along here.
We could stop and have a look.
Really? I'm in a Jaguar,
my E-Type, in the south of France,
and you want me stop driving to look at a man
whose ears are in the wrong place?
No, that was Van Gogh.
Picasso's the one who puts eyes
on the wrong side of somebody's head.
Come on, it's a road trip. Let's look at some pictures.
Did you not hear what you just said?
"It's a road trip. Let's look at some pictures."
No!
Oh, why are you so uncultured?
In Juan-les-Pins, where all the girls have
carefully designed topless swimsuits
and racehorses they keep just for fun,
for a laugh, a-ha-ha.
we pulled over so Hammond could look at some food.
- What now? - I don't like octopus.
What's the matter with it?
- Well... - Do you want my truffles
on an omelette?
Don't like truffles. You are ruining this trip for me.
- Go on. - Every time we stop for food,
- you make me eat octopus... - It's nice!
...or crab's eyes or snail's legs.
And then every time we get going again, you make us stop again
to Look at a pile of bricks and then that balcony from a story.
It's a road trip.
We're supposed to be seeing... Look what I've brought you to.
On the road.
I've brought you to one of my favourite restaurants.
- A table for two by the waterside... - It's not...
Eat it.
- Not an eating trip, is it? - Eat it.
- Eat the octopus. - It moved.
It didn't. It's only one of its legs.
I...
Would you like to stop at a service station
and get some crisps?
After lunch, we went for a stroll along the seafront
to look at the sights.
But because this is a family show,
we can't show you what those sights were.
Eventually, though, our ice creams melted completely
so we set off.
You know we were talking about the perfect road trip?
How wrong would the Lamborghini and Bugatti have been here?
Or the Ford Fiesta.
Yeah.
The problem is that when we arrived in Saint-Raphael,
the traffic was predictable.
And so was the E-Type.
Hammond's car is sounding poorly.
Oh, God.
Will it be able to do the traffic jam into Saint-Tropez?
Um...
I'm honestly... I'm really...
I am worried about her, actually, I really am.
Are you?
Oh, God, that doesn't sound right.
The sound of Britain in the '60s.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding...
"Made in the Midlands with pride.
"Ah, we've really put this together very nicely, we have, very nice.
"Done a good job with that E-Type, we have."
Ow, dipstick's too hot, can't touch that.
- Oh. - Richard.
- What? - I've bought you something
to cheer you up.
- Have you? - It's a little present.
Is it?
It's a fishing net.
I know it's not the same as an E-Type
but now this doesn't work any more, you can have that.
Thank you for my fishing net.
It's three Euros, which is more than this is worth.
Now.
I then had an idea.
We'll have a race from here to Saint-Tropez
but we'll stay the night, yes?
- A race. - What...
No.
- Ditch these. - Ditch the Jags.
You've got no choice.
What's that new hotel called? Hotel de Paris.
- It's got a rooftop bar. - Okay.
Last one there
has to wear an "I love James May" T-shirt
tomorrow, all day.
That's quite a forfeit but, um...
Yeah.
I have had such a brilliant idea
that Clarkson has had it.
Because I am going to Saint-Tropez on this.
The Ducati Diavel.
Dark.
Are you ready, Hammond? - Yeah.
In three,
two, one...
Go!
All right.
I chose this bike for a very good reason.
The engine, 1200cc V-twin,
taken from a Ducati sports bike, the 1198.
And Ducati, trust me, know a thing or two about making fast bikes.
162 brake horsepower, the UK edition.
Restricted in France to 100.
But you know what?
That's still going to be plenty for what I want to do today.
Top speed about 170,
0-60 about two and a half,
you know, the same as a Bugatti Veyron.
Traffic, you see?
How's he going to get to even this?
He's never even going to get out of town.
I Look cooL. It goes Like the clappers.
Clarkson's had it here.
There you go. See that? Clear!
Hello.
You join me on a Fairline Squadron 78.
That's 78 feet long.
The engines in this thing are unbelievable,
32-litre, twin turbocharged V12s.
Here we go.
And you can drive it like this.
Or like that.
And because it's a boat
I could get to Saint- Tropez across the bay.
Whereas Hammond had to go all the way round it.
Sneaking through, sneaking through, just.
Every car counts.
Any one of these could be Clarkson.
Where is he?
If I have been past him,
he would have been looking at my bottom in leather, going,
"Oh, look, a man's bottom in leather." He's obsessed with it.
I don't know what Richard Hammond is using,
but I'm guessing
it's a motorcycle of some sort.
So he'll be dressed from head to foot in leather,
furious at the traffic,
with his bottom...
"Look at me, I'm on a motorbike.
"I'm straddling a throbbing machine!"
I'm not doing any of that.
Got the satnav down here to bring us onto the bearing of Saint-Tropez.
I'm just going to take it up a little bit more,
2,300 rpm a side.
Look at this. Look at this now!
Eat my diesel, Hammond!
I just want to come round one of these corners
and see a McLaren 12C.
Or an SLS Black.
And he will be stuck. And I will pass him.
And I will ask him, "Mmm, bikes.
"Still no good?"
Anyone fancy a drink in the crew?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Excuse me.
Thanks very much.
Standing traffic. Standing traffic.
Come on, Clarkson, where are you?
As long as nobody opens their door or suddenly turns left,
I can just keep hacking through it like this.
Oh, there you go. That's the door open.
That's the one.
That's the fella. There's always one.
He's going to be in any one of these. Any minute now I'm going to see him.
This has got to be him.
Ladies and gentlemen, hello, Jeremy Clarkson.
No. That's not him.
With the Squadron at full chat
and Saint-Tropez very close indeed,
life on the boat was good.
Grunt!
This is more like it.
Getting a proper move on.
Having cleared the worst of the Saint-Raphael traffic,
I was now on the open road and closing fast.
Okay, there is, I'll be honest,
a tiny, tiny chance
he got through all of that traffic and out of town
and then caned it along here
and I simply haven't caught him yet.
But I've got a good suspicion
when we get to Saint-Tropez,
there'll be more traffic and that is where I'll find him.
I'm about to park my 78-foot boat in Saint-Tropez harbour.
This is the only slow bit,
the wobbling about in Saint-Tropez harbour.
'Cause they've got some stupid speed limit.
Oh, good God, Look at this.
Traffic. That's a big jam.
Oh!
Squeezing through, coming through, coming through.
As Hammond weaved his way
through the annual Saint-Tropez traffic jam...
Oh, my God.
...I was still waiting to be given a parking space.
Through, coming through, coming through.
Hotel de Paris, I thank you.
Mate!
How are you?
How...
God, you look sticky.
How the bloody hell?
I didn't see you. I didn't see you once.
I saw a Ferrari F12, I thought it was you.
Thing is
you've got a motorcycle licence.
- Yes. - Well, now, I have
a boat Licence.
And what this means, of course, is tomorrow,
while you'll be wearing a T-shirt and that'll be cooler...
Ah, I forgot about that.
...it will say "I love James May" on it.
The next morning, Hammond was in no hurry
to leave the hotel.
- Hammond. - What?
- Hammond, come out. - No.
No, I'm a bit... I haven't... I'm just packing my bag.
- It's quarter to 9:00. - Yeah, I'm just packing my bag.
I'm packing.
Actually, no, I'm not very well.
There's nobody here.
- I'm poorly. - Hammond!
Right. I'm coming out.
Ooh.
Now, look.
- This is bad. - Yes.
But I'm afraid the news gets even worse.
It can't be any worse.
We've both chosen the same car.
Well, that's not so bad, is it?
- You mean there's only one? - Yes.
So, Saint-Tropez,
convertible Bentley, two men.
Oh, we are looking...
Just realised.
Two men in a Bentley.
It isn't just the Bentley, we ought to make that plain.
It's any convertible.
Put two men in a convertible car,
take the roof off and instantly, questions are raised.
Still, at least in the car, they couldn't see my T-shirt.
Until...
Why are you pulling over here?
I just want to have a look at something.
- What? - Just stuff.
- What stuff? - Just... I want to look at the boats.
What are you doing?
- It's a nice place. - I don't want to stop.
- There's people... - Just get out.
No. - Yes.
No! - Yes.
No, I'm going to hide.
I'm not getting out. I'm getting in here.
I'm on my own.
Oh, God.
I'm just going to go for a walk and leave him.
Make this end.
I Lost a bet.
Oh, God.
Jeremy, can we go now?
No.
Do any of these boats have propellers
and are any of them likely to be running right now?
Paparazzi again. There's quite a lot of paps here.
Yeah. So let's go.
There was, however, a small problem.
Was it... Is this where it was?
- Yes. - Well, it's not, is it?
I tell you why it's not.
You can't park here, can you?
Can you park here? Are you allowed to... What?
No, you can't park here or that's a picture of a car being towed.
- Do you know, I genuinely... - Has the car been towed away?
Well, yes.
Just you wait here
and I'LL go get it.
- Just relax. - Yeah.
It's not far, actually, I'll be back in an hour.
I'm sure somebody somewhere at some time has been unhappier.
Please, please, please, please.
No, not funny. Not even halfway funny.
Open the damn door. Jeremy, open the door.
How do you do that?
I'm getting in.
Now, at this point you may be wondering
why both of us chose a Bentley.
Well, partly it's because we think that these days, it looks good.
But mostly it's because it's now available
with a brilliant lighter, louder 4-litre V8.
Not that this was foremost in Hammond's mind.
- Jeremy Clarkson. - Yes.
Have you put my seat heater on full?
Yes, I have.
Oh, mate, that's...
- Yes! Result. - Oh!
Just horrific.
- That's a result right there. - Oh!
Then I got another result.
A clear, open road.
"It's got a bit of poke."
- Whoa! - Oh, that's how it should sound.
Do you know what it feels like?
- An sportscar. - It does.
Have you put my seat heater on?
Yes, I have.
I'm really sor...
It's a machine, this.
Hello, machine!
One of the reasons why I like this car so much,
you know it isn't just a Bentley badge,
there's some properly difficult engineering that's gone into this car.
Jeremy, have you put my seat heater on again? You...
That's not... I...
Oh.
And if I lift myself up, they can see my T-shirt better
and if I sit down, I cook. God!
So, clever engine,
clever four-wheel-drive system,
looks a lot better these days.
Great noise.
It's a great car.
The problem it has still is that Rooney flavour.
The whiff of Wayne means
you do feel embarrassed to turn up in it.
Hammond!
Stop putting my seat heater on.
Soon, despite the hot seats, the hot car and the hot sun,
the atmosphere became frosty.
So we decided to split up.
And then I decided to look at a building that had mostly fallen over.
Look at this.
Yes, look, there's a wild boar, there we are.
This is a hunting scene.
Hammond, there's a hunting scene!
Hammond!
It's like there's a mausoleum
- and a sort of triumphal arch. - Don't talk to me, I don't care.
I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know, I really don't!
I'm sick of it.
This is ridiculous. I've eaten crab's eyes,
I've looked at a balcony from a story. No, seriously, it's my turn.
It's my turn to decide what we do next.
And what we're doing next is going rally driving.
- What, in a Maserati Quattroporte? - No.
- And a Rolls-Royce Phantom? - No.
I've had a good idea.
This is the circuit Sambre,
endless kilometres of unrelenting French rally stage.
And a place The Stig knows well.
- What? - Well,
this is The Stig's summer retreat, yeah?
He comes here every year and does that.
- And he says... - What do you mean, he does that?
Well, in winter he goes ice racing. Summer, he comes here.
Three weeks of that he does.
- What, non-stop? - Yeah, gets in the car, three weeks,
and then three weeks later, gets out, goes home.
That's his holiday. Anyway, he says we could use it
to do our rally driving.
- It's too hot. - Dah!
I have actually thought of that.
- You like a convertible, don't you? - Yeah.
Why don't we rally-drive convertibles?
- It's too dusty. - Now, do one thing for me,
we're going to go and get some convertibles,
turn them into rally cars and do that!
I can't do rally driving.
- It's easy, just... - I can't!
I can't drive on loose surfaces...
This is what I've got.
Nissan 350Z.
Three-and-a-half-litre V6,
276 brake horsepower, rear-wheel drive.
Now, you might be looking at it, thinking, "Well,
"it doesn't look much like a rally car."
But hold on, this car is a direct descendant
of the Datsun 240Z,
a car that owned world rallying.
So this has got history.
It's going to be brilliant.
I've got a BMW.
No history of rallying at all, it's one of the reasons I like it.
Well, come on, tell us about it, what engine has it got?
Two-and-a-half-litre straight 6.
1000cc less than the Nissan. Power?
192?
That's about 80 horsepower less. Torque?
180.
- That's about 80 torques less. - Good!
- What do you mean, "good"? - Good!
Jeremy, you're not really getting into the competitive spirit of this.
I don't like driving without friction!
Open-top rally is going to be the next big thing.
Let's go and convert these into rally cars.
This meant finding a workshop and cueing the music.
Got it.
Oh, yes.
God, I'm good.
That will make up for the horsepower deficit
that I have on Richard's car.
This is August.
Now Mr April.
My roll-cage is complete.
The next day, our cars were ready.
And so was the sky.
This is all just fantastic.
Suddenly, perfect rallying weather is coming.
Bit of rain, mud, mist on the hills,
and my car is now perfect.
Haven't gone over the top with the modifications.
New wheels, new tyres, roll-cage,
sponsorship stickers, can't have real ones,
BBC objects, but we've made 'em up to put you in the mood.
Inside, racing seat, full harness, that's enough.
This is going to be amazing.
I just copied him.
And now he's going to drive about in his Datsun in the mud.
He was right I couldn't wait.
Oh, yes!
It's actually raining, I'm in a rally. This is perfect!
After all the stupid food and looking at rocks.
to come out and do something genuinely exciting and real and...
I've come alive.
Oh, yes!
Hammond is out now in that.
The man is insane!
Bring it on, let's have more. Come on!
You call that rain?
Oh!
This is my favourite place in the world now.
Ah!
I'm sorry, Hammond, do try to explain it to me,
'cause I'm struggling to get it.
It's about the most fun I've had in a very long time.
I can see why The Stig comes here.
- You're covered in mud. - Yeah.
- There's a massive thunderstorm raging. - Yeah, I know.
I know, even the weather's better here. It's perfect.
What do you mean, it's better?
- Hammond, do I have to do this? - Yep.
It's my thing today, and this is what we're doing.
And so, to show what a good sport I am,
I obliged.
Oh, God's truth!
Oh! That hurt.
So, discomfort...
Oh! That's just horrible!
Danger.
Misery, cold.
Slithering around at 21 miles an hour.
Oh, no! Bloody...
I've just had a brown shower.
That really was the final straw.
And then it turned out it wasn't.
So, we got the hang of it, we now know the course, yeah?
Time for timed laps.
- What? - Well, we do timed laps now,
that's what we do. I reckon if we do 10 each
and then we can just work out how consistent we are,
where we can just shave those extra seconds out, yeah?
Tomorrow, you are going to eat
a badger's left teste.
And so, flying in the face of common sense,
we got back out there.
Timed laps now, so it's really critical
to just be brave enough to keep that power in.
What's the point of timed laps?
He's got 80 more horsepower... Oh!... more than I have.
He's better at it than I am.
And he's got a limited-slip differential.
I haven't got one of those.
So, when I go round the corner, one wheel spins and that's It.
Woo-hoo! God, it feels good when you get it right.
Whoa!
Oh! Oh, my!
He will have been...
Oh, here he comes, I can see his teeth from here.
Right, overtaking on a rally stage. This is interesting.
Oh, he's coming through!
Oh, no! The hideous little Brummie has torn past!
A- ha! Got you!
Oh, he's done it... Oh, he's just made everything
much worse now, I can't see a thing.
Muddy goggles.
Every bone in his crotch, that is what I'm going to break.
Oh!
Soon, the weather got so bad,
even Hammond couldn't see where he was going.
Shit! Shit! Oh!
So, he suggested we stop for one of his special rallying lunches.
Mmm. Okay, tuck in.
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
'Cause this part of France is famous for its hotdogs.
It's got French mustard on it.
- Yeah... - Wait a minute.
What?
You do know what's in that sausage, don't you?
- Sausage. - Pigs' toenails,
eyelashes...
Shut up and enjoy it. And, anyway, while you enjoy it, I've got the timings here.
I'm around the 1:16, 1:13, that kind of mark.
- Mmm-hmm. - You're 1:53, 1:46...
I've got soil in my ears!
135, 140... Basically, what this is showing is that I am clearly
a lot better at this than you.
- I'll do you a deal. - What?
We will do one more lap.
Do-or-die lap.
If I'm faster, we leave immediately.
- If you're faster than me? - Yes.
All right, well, if I'm faster, we carry on till dark.
- You'll do that? - Mmm-hmm.
- Seriously? - Mmm-hmm.
All right.
I went first.
And we're off.
Right, now, I don't want to just beat him, I want to humiliate him.
Oh, yes! That was correct.
Oh!
That was a monstrous dump from below there.
Nature is joining in with us now.
Oh, this is just epically good fun.
All right, Jeremy, I reckon if you get within a minute of that,
I'll be staggered. Not a chance.
Filled with determination,
I lined up the BMW on the start line.
Right, I am going to win this
and then we can stop doing it.
That's... Oh! Hang on a minute.
Yes!
What do you think of that?
Sneaky beaky. Yes!
Yes!
The gods are on my side.
This is going to be one hell of a Lap!
We then met up to see how we'd done.
Richard Hammond, you did it in one minute, 17.3.
- Not my fastest but not bad. - Well, it was a standing start.
It was, yes, of course it was. Yes, go on, them.
- Me, 28 seconds... - Yes?
One minute what?
28 seconds.
How did you find a minute in the...
- I mean... - Ultimate driving machine.
And a BMW Z4.
Really?
I left immediately.
And set off on the 350-mile drive to Pau
in a V12 Aston Martin.
Hammond, meanwhile, was in a Volkswagen Beetle
and moaning, as usual.
His cheating is getting out of control.
There's no point doing anything if he's just going to borrow The Stig
or cut a corner, which I can only imagine is what he did in that instance.
It must have been one hell of a corner, he can't even cheat well!
I admit my shortcut was a bit short.
And the time was a bit implausible. But look,
the weather is improving and now I'm in an Aston Martin Vanquish.
This is a truly magnificent car.
Best Aston yet by a long way.
It's a blend of the hardcore DBS
and the slightly softer Virage.
It's just tremendous.
And now I shall hand you over to Richard Hammond,
who shall try to explain why the Porsche 911
that he's driving is in some way different
to all the Porsche 911s that have gone before.
How can he go on about 911s all being the same?
Let me talk you through the Aston Martin range.
Vantage V8, V12 Vantage,
DB9, DBS, Virage, that.
they're all exactly the same.
Aston Martin came up with the design.
thought, "Oh, that looks pretty.
"Let's call it lots of different things and then more people will buy it."
It's just another one.
C2, C2S, C4, C4S,
GT2, GT3, Turbo, 997, 996, 993...
The new 911 is called the 991,
it's longer and wider than the previous 911.
It's got a new engine, new gear box, new interior and new steering.
This is the critical point, for the first time,
the steering is electric rather than purely hydraulic.
Just as I was getting into the groove,
Jeremy pulled off again.
What now?
Well, I thought it would be a good idea, since we're at Pau tomorrow,
to reacquaint ourselves with the concept
of driving while under the influence of friction.
I don't like friction.
Pau, mate. It's Pau.
They've been racing there since 1901.
Fangio has raced there,
Jim Clark, Jackie Stewart. This is a big deal.
This is... It's Bethlehem for any motoring enthusiast.
So, what's it got to do with that?
We've got to get match fit.
And then when we get to Pau tomorrow...
- We'll be worthy of it. - Mmm-hmm.
Straightaway, I was very happy.
No wet track, no mud,
no rain, no diphtheria.
This is one tight and twisty little track.
Right, now, let's turn the Aston
from a road car into something more track-based.
We'll push this button here, that firms up the suspension.
and then push this one, S, I think it stands for "silly".
'Cause when you push it... Ready?
The whole car goes, "Hmm, what?" It's like saying "walkies" to a dog.
"Oh, really? Walkies?"
This has the same basic engine that was fitted to the original Vanquish.
And that was comparable at the time to the Ferrari 550
or 575.
Since then, Ferrari have moved on, they're at the F12 now.
This doesn't even have a double-clutch gearbox.
It's an old 7-speed slushmatic.
Each gear is delivered by an elderly butler.
"I'd like third now, Jeeves." "Certainly, sir, I'll just
"pop off and get it. I think it's in my pantry.
"There you are, sir."
Very smooth, lovely on the road, not brilliant here.
It's a bit of an ark, this.
It's a very pretty ark.
But when you stick it into a corner on a track...
you know that beneath the carbon fibre body,
everything's a bit old.
Not that theres much wrong with old, as you can see.
Mean while, far behind...
Hammond was revelling in the new 917's grip.
God, this thing is planted.
Still a 3.8-litre flat six,
it's still mounted at the back of the car, it's still compact.
The big issue, though, is that electric steering.
It's not talking to me. It's not... It should be telling me everything
by going slightly light at the front under power.
It means the front wheels can move around a little bit more
than they would in an ordinary car.
And the steering wheel should be telling me about that,
that's what lets me know it is a 911
and not an R8 or a Jaguar.
Does it feel like a 911?
I don't think it does.
And for Pau, I want something that's more of a 911.
And I've had a very good idea for that.
I shall be using this,
the brand-new Porsche 991 GT3.
I am desperate to drive it.
It's lighter, lower, faster.
This is my unicorn,
my Helena.
Track-focused the GT3 may be,
but at Pau, it would be no match for my choice.
The single-seater BACMono.
One of the fastest cars ever to take on the Top Gear test track.
Purity simplified, light, agile, balanced.
Perfect.
As men set about fettling our cars for the big day...
we ruminated on all the boats and bikes and cars
that we'd used on our journey.
Hammond!
And we tried to work out which one we'd liked the best.
I loved that little Fiesta ST, I really did.
I actually loved driving the Model-T, crazy though that is.
I enjoyed the Ducati.
But for some reason, the Ferrari F12 has really stayed with me.
I thought it had presence and drama and it's fast!
I wouldn't have the SLS 'cause that's too much to use every day.
Golf GTI isn't quite enough.
Bugatti Veyron, I mean it's the other end of the scale, then.
Too much. Bentley...
Oh, it's a great car but... I've worked out what I'd have.
The Riva Aquarama.
- That's your favourite car? - Yes.
That's what I'd use every day. I'd have to move house.
With that decided, we climbed back into our road cars
for the final push to Pau.
We were very excited by what lay ahead,
so excited that we left the camera crew far behind.
And when they finally caught up with us, there was a bit of a problem.
You mean, passports?
Oh, right
The French policemen and lady policemen
insisted that we should give them all our money.
And then after quite a long chat,
they decided it would be best if we didn't drive in France any more.
Yeah, okay.
And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
Thank you very much for watching, goodbye.
You total plonker!
I don't want to go in a Peugeot
Or this Vauxhall Zafira.
Can you be picky when you're a hitchhiker?
I should think so. There's plenty of choice.
Don't want to go in that Citroen.
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