Hi, my name is Cory. The seventh-grade dance is Friday night,
- and I was just wondering if you maybe... - I'm sorry. My grandmother's sick.
Any luck?
Apparently, it's not a good time to be a grandmother.
Look, her grandmother's coughing phlegm,
her grandmother's hacking blood, and her...
Whoa. I happen to know she has no grandmother.
Yes, and somehow she blames me for her death.
At least you can't sink any lower.
Hey, you. Busy?
You're not gonna ask me to the dance, are you?
What if I did?
I'd say pick me up at eight, but no slow dances.
- Just watch these for a second, all right? - I can do that.
I'm not going to this dance with anybody.
Why don't you just ask Topanga?
I could, I could, but that would show no personal growth
if I simply ask the girl I've always asked ever since we were five.
- So, when you gonna ask her? - I figure tomorrow,
unless by some magic, girls suddenly start to notice me.
Hi. I couldn't help noticing you.
Oh, you're talking to me?
Shouldn't you be at the hospital
visiting one of your many blood-hacking grandmas?
- Why didn't you tell me you play? - Huh?
Cory, they're onto us. They've spotted our axes.
They know we play. They like musicians.
Oh, well, then watch me pull this rabbit out of my hat.
Musicians.
Oh, well, that's very different.
- You guys in a band? - Are we in a band?
- (teeth gritted) Yes, you idiot.
Well, maybe you'd play for us sometime?
Yeah, we're gonna tell our friends we know you.
You know, they like us because they think we're in a band.
- We could cash in on this. - But we'd be total phonies.
- Phonies with groupies. - No. We could never pull this off
in a million, billion, trillion years.
- Wow, you guys have roadies? - Boy, time flies.
- Good evening, Philadelphia! - (♪ strums off-key note)
- Cory? Hey, my old guitar. - Yeah, Shawn and I need it for our band.
- You're starting a band? - Not really.
Oh.
- You know, I used to have a band. - You had a band?
Oh, yeah. Back then, music was our main means of expression.
Social protest. We sang about freedom of speech,
fighting the establishment, the war in Vietnam.
I'm in it for the chicks.
I see where you're coming from, kid.
Amy. Cory and Shawn are starting a band.
- To meet chicks? - Why did you say that?
- That's why you started your band. - Uh-uh.
No, Amy, our band was about the music.
- What did you guys call yourselves again? - The Tongues.
And if memory serves me correctly, you were quite a big fan.
I was young. I had no taste.
(laughs) Wow, this brings back memories.
Alan, don't go there. It was a very long time ago.
Amy, these were some of my best friends. We were soul mates.
Friendships like that last a lifetime. I wonder if they're still alive.
So, are you guys gonna be playing today?
Today? No, we never play today.
We'd love to hear you play. Won't you please play?
- OK. - Excuse us.
Shawn, I don't know what's in your guitar case,
but I have an egg-salad sandwich in mine.
Cory, they wanna see us play. Look at the pretty girls.
- Why can't we play? - Because we don't know how.
Well, that would stop us.
Sorry, girls. At this moment, we're not performing for the public.
- Our managers won't let us. - Oh, why?
Because... we're still getting over the death of our drummer.
- Oh, won't you please play? - OK.
- Cory, everybody's talking about you. - They are?
Yeah. They say you're starting a band?
- They're awesome. - Except they don't have a drummer.
- Who are you? - We're with the band.
Cory, I wanted to talk to you about the dance.
Jeremy asked me. I told him I wasn't sure,
and I wanted to see what your plans were.
You know what? If you want to go with Jeremy, it's fine.
Don't worry about me. I'm covered.
OK. Maybe I'll see you there.
Cory, when do we get to meet the rest of the guys in the band?
- What guys? - The guys.
The guys I told them about.
Oh, and I want to meet the guy that plays the guitar with his teeth.
Oh, the teeth guy.
- Well, he's at the dentist right now. - (both) Oh!
Cory, I never thought I'd hear myself say this,
but we're gonna need some guys.
(♪ plays notes)
♪ My mama left me before I was born
(♪ notes repeat)
(♪ riffing)
- No. - I'd make you look bad.
- Yeah. - Next.
(sings badly) ♪ My mama left before I was born ♪
(♪ accordion)
♪ Ahh-ahh-ah-ahh ♪
So let me understand this, Thor. All you do is pose?
Well, yeah. What else is there?
He's shorter than me and he won't steal our chicks.
You're in.
Now, you gotta have a guy like that.
All right, guys, if this band is gonna succeed,
we gotta follow one rule -
No matter what happens, no matter how cute the girl is,
no matter what she's wearing, we never, ever play a note.
- And why is that, Shawn? - 'Cause we don't know how.
Wow! Hey, now, this looks like a band.
That's what we're goin' for.
You think I'd look cooler not playing the guitar
or not playing the drums?
- Hi, honey. - Hey, some idiot down the street
was selling this at a yard sale. He didn't know what he had.
I bet his wife did.
Honey, it's just fun. You know, when the guys come over Friday.
An amp, a couple of guitars... We probably won't even play.
Here you go, Dad.
- It's just fun. - Oh, this fun just keeps piling up.
Yeah. Picked up your jacket from the cleaners.
Oh, cool. My band jacket.
- You guys actually wore those? - Oh, yeah. This was our look.
Did people laugh?
No, they were impressed, especially your mother.
Her name's sewn right in the sleeve there.
Oh, yeah. Hey, what's with the other names?
"Paula, Bethany, Ashley..."
Uh, those are the small towns we played in northern Pennsylvania.
- You're lying? - Yes, I am.
Hi, Cory. What are you doing?
I was just standing here, listening to the music in my head.
Wow. Is it loud?
Sometimes it drowns out my thoughts, but then I see you and I know it's our song.
Ooh, that was a good one.
- Pretty smooth, Matthews. - Oh, hey, Mr. Turner.
- I didn't know you were standing there. - Oh, yeah.
Maybe you better turn down the music in your head.
You know what, Mr. Turner?
- Me and you, we're a lot alike. - Are we?
Yeah. Because you have this motorcycle helmet, people think you're cool.
And I carry around this guitar case and people think I'm cool, too.
Matthews, I got this motorcycle helmet
so if I crash my bike, my head doesn't go splat.
- Why do you have that guitar case? - To protect my sandwich.
It is with deep, deep regret,
I must inform you that the Demon Seeds have pulled out.
(students) Aww.
Now, now, steady. You'll still be able to shake your little booties.
I have managed to secure a more-than-adequate replacement -
the cool, mellow Caribbean sounds of JoJo Man and Brother B.
(students) Ohh.
- We want live music. - "Recorded live at the Fiesta Room
of the Montego Bay Hilton."
- Just get another band. - (students) Yeah!
Hard as it is to believe, my rock 'n' roll contacts are limited.
- Cory and Shawn have a band. - They're really good.
(students) Yeah!
Mr. Matthews, you have a band?
- Well, yeah, but... - They're really great. I've heard them.
No, you haven't.
(students) Cory and Shawn! Cory and Shawn!
Well, Mr. Matthews, you seem to have quite the following.
So, what's the name of your jolly group of music makers?
Our name? Um... they call us...
The Exits.
Well, kudos.
You have a gig.
- Have your people call me. - Wow!
We'll get to hear you play in front of the whole school.
Shawn, look who they got to play the dance.
- The Exits. They're great. - They're us!
Ooh, they're not so good.
How could you book our band for the dance?
Shawn, I couldn't help it. Sonia was all pressed up against me
and making little purring noises in my ear.
What about our band credo? Remember "we never, ever play"?
We have to play. Feeny booked us...
and I may have possibly signed some papers.
But it's OK. I mean, we're all in this together, right?
(both) See ya.
OK. OK, OK. Now, don't panic.
We'll just play the old hits, none of the new stuff.
Maybe one encore, we're in the limo, and we're home.
- OK, what are we gonna do? - We have to find some way to go on.
The girls love us.
Yeah, we worked too hard to get where we are.
We have to come up with a plan.
You know, that's... that's so crazy, it just may work.
- What may work? - The plan.
I didn't tell you what it was.
That way, they can't get it out of me.
Get what out of you?
Nice try.
So I bought two cemetery plots. Now, I figure I'll subdivide later.
I'll let 'em bury me standing up. What the heck do I care?
I'll tell you, I'm not going anywhere soon. You know why? My cholesterol is ten.
Listen to you guys, talking about cemetery plots, cholesterol.
I mean, we were The Tongues. Ooh, wow, live dangerous.
You want dangerous?
- I cheat on my wife. - What?!
No, no, I mean, I go to the grocery store,
I peel the "fat free" sticker off the Entenmann's angel food cake,
I stick it right on the box of the double-fudge, double-butter
brownie balls of death.
I bring it home, I say, "Look, honey, fat free."
She's eating celery.
Guys, what are you talking about here?
I mean, remember those wild times we had together?
Remember... remember in Scranton with those triplets?
- No. - Sorry.
OK, guys, what do you want to drink?
My boys will have some brewskies, right?
Actually, could I have some mineral water?
- Diet iced tea? - Would it be too much of a hassle
to run a few carrots through the juicer?
I'll have a beer. Thanks.
Coming up.
- Sure you wanna do that to yourself, Alan? - Yeah, man, you got kids.
- Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad. - Hey, hey, hey, hey...
Where are you guys going looking so cool?
- Our first gig. - Your first gig?
You just started playing two days ago.
- Kids learn fast today, Alan. - Not mine.
- Well, we gotta go. Bye. - Break a leg.
Yeah, that's our backup plan.
Must make you proud, having your son follow in the old man's footsteps.
Oh, yeah, it sure... sure does.
Whoa! What's this?
- Ooh, is that your old Strat? - Oh, you bet it is, man.
I took it out, tuned it up, hit a couple of licks.
I gotta say, it's like I never put it down.
Oh, this is a beauty.
I guess your wife threw your ax out a long time ago, huh?
- No, it's in the van. - Mine, too.
- Yeah, mine's in the trunk. - Hey, you wanna get 'em?
- (both) Sure. - Go get 'em.
Come on, we'll jam a little bit. Hey, The Tongues!
How about that, Amy? We're gonna play. The boys are back.
This better not be to meet chicks.
Check. Microphone one.
Test... Test.
George, keep talking. We need more.
Stay in school. Get a good education.
Don't slouch.
George... George, you are killing the mood.
Good.
This place is packed. We're dead.
Wow, look at all the girls. So many pretty girls.
You know, maybe we can play.
Shawn, we can't.
That's why I got those guys who can play to come and save our butts.
We just strum and pose.
Hey, guys, cutting it kind of close, but you made it.
And now, are you ready to rock 'n' roll?
Depends. What's this gig paying?
Uh... nothing.
Too bad. We got a paying gig at Rodney's Oyster House.
- See ya. - This is the end of the world.
OK, man, you guys set? I'm ready to intro you.
- We're not going on, man. - What are you talking about?
I'll tell you what he's talking about.
He's talking about the lack of respect for artists.
You see this turkey? This turkey is pressed.
We were very specific that the band only eats fresh hand-carved turkey.
No fresh turkey, no music.
You got it, guys.
John Adams High, it is with great pleasure I give you... The Exits!
(students screaming and cheering)
Oops, my mistake.
- Now what? - All right, just be confident.
We've got the guitars. Everyone believes in us.
All we've gotta do is believe in ourselves, OK?
Right? Let's go.
- (girl) Whoo! - (screaming and applause)
Good evening, John Adams High!
(cheering)
- Are you ready to rock? - (all cheer)
- Are you ready to roll? - (all cheer)
- Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?! - (loud cheering)
Good night, everybody!
♪ I was feelin' so bad
♪ I asked my family doctor just what I had
- ♪ I said, "Doctor" - ♪ (all) Doctor
♪ Mr. MD
- ♪ (all) Doctor - ♪ Doctor
♪ "Can you tell me what's ailin' me?"
♪ Doctor
♪ I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Yes, indeed What I really need
♪ Good love
- ♪ Gimme, gimme some love - ♪ Good love
- ♪ Got to have that lovin' - ♪ Good love
- ♪ Gimme, gimme some lovin' - ♪ Good love
♪ Got to have that love, good love
♪ Good... ♪ (clears throat)
(booing)
Cory, if we want to get out of here with our lives, we better sing something.
It's OK, it's OK. I've got an idea.
Hey, you there, what's your name?
You stink!
No, I think your name is Sonia, and I've got a song for Sonia.
♪ Sonia, Sonia bebonia, banana-fana fafonia
♪ Fee-fi-fafonia
♪ Sonia! ♪
Drive safely!
- That was great. Thanks. - Hey, let's do it again next week.
Yeah, let's go to my house. Whaddya say?
- Hey, Alan, we'll see you there? - Hey, you might!
We could start playing some clubs together, you know.
- Yeah! - We can go out on the road.
Yeah, go now. Go on... Get on the road.
- I'll catch up with you, all right? Go on. - (man) ♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪
Goodbye! Get out.
I thought you guys sounded great.
They sounded great. I didn't sound so great.
What happened? I used to be good.
Alan, darlin', I say this with love and respect.
- You were never good. - What are you talking about?
You said it was my music that attracted you to me in the first place.
- And you believed me? - Well, yes, I based my life on it.
It was never the music. It was just the whole package.
What package?
You. You were cute and you looked very adorable with your little guitar.
It didn't matter that you couldn't play very well.
- I just liked you. - I can't believe this.
All this time, I thought you liked me because of my music,
and you just liked me because of... me.
I feel so cheap.
You wanna feel really cheap?
You know, there was one point there
where I thought we really had them.
They were screaming, "Exits! Exits!"
Shawn, they were looking for a way out.
Oh. Here comes Feeny.
I can just hear him now.
"Messieurs Hunter, Matthews,
"although right now you feel beaten and humiliated,
"you've learned a valuable lesson...
"that you should never try to be someone you're blah...
blah blah blah. Blah. Blah."
Messieurs Hunter, Matthews...
(snickers)
(laughing)
Mr. Turner. Were we as bad as we think?
You guys don't show up for class on Monday,
I'll understand.
Let's get outta here.
Yeah, I'll catch up with you in a sec.
You're still here.
Yeah. My date wanted to go to the Oyster House.
- So, how come you didn't go with him? - I was enjoying watching you.
Come on. We were horrible. We stank. I played the name game.
- I didn't think it was so bad. - Really?
- You liked the way we played? - Maybe it was more the package.
You look so adorable up onstage with your little guitar.
You were just... cute.
- So you didn't get to dance, huh? - Neither did you.
- You wanna? - Sure.
(♪ reggae)
(man) Greetings from the Fiesta Room.
My name is JoJo Man, and this is Brother B.
Are you ready to party?
(crowd cheers)
You with the mustache, what's your name?
(Feeny) George Feeny!
♪ Feeny, Feeny fofeeny, banana-fana fofeeny
♪ Me-mi-momeeny Feeny
(♪ fingering)
Hey, Cory, how'd your gig go?
Awesome. How about you?
- Words cannot describe it. - Cool.
You know, since you're starting a band and all,
I thought you might like to have this.
No, Dad, it's your guitar. You keep it.
- No, really, I want you to have it. - No, I won't deprive you of your memories.
Cory, somebody's gotta take this guitar.
- Eric! - Eric. Oh, son.
You know, this has so many memories for me.
Take it, will you?
Thanks. You know I've actually been thinking of starting a band?
- Yeah. - Right.
(♪ riffing)
Nah.