Good morning, John Adams High. After a 10-year absence,
we've dusted off the console and put Patriot Radio
back on the air!
(gurgling)
- Wrong button. - I should say so.
(♪ theme music)
And with me here, my engineer and wacky side-kick
on the morning zoo, Mr. Alvin Meese.
Thank you, Mr. Feeny, you're a great friend to radio.
That's enough, Alvin. Nobody likes a mike hog.
And now, because the halls of our school beat with the lively heart
of contemporary youth... here is the happening sounds
of Mr. Michael Bolton.
(students screaming)
Ah! Make it stop! Make it stop!
It's hard to cut the wires with a plastic spoon.
Just rip the whole speaker down!
- Hey, guys. Try this knife. - Thanks.
Huh!
Down.
Come on, guys. The station's only been on five minutes.
Is it really that bad?
(Feeny) And now, a little change of pace. A blast from my past...
this is Mr. Perry Como.
(♪ soft music)
Look, Mr. Turner, you clip the wires and we'll cover for you.
You don't like what you hear? Get on the air and do better.
- Us? On the radio? - Yeah.
See if you can't squeeze it in between doing nothing at school,
and nothing at home.
What are you saying? We don't do anything?
- You know, we should think about that. - I don't wanna.
No, Shawn, maybe he's got a point.
I mean, maybe if we became radio personalities,
then we'd have... personalities.
I don't wanna do nothing.
Look, radio is just sitting around talking.
Like we are now?
Yeah. Maybe you have to push a button.
How hard?
Like this.
- Hm? - Yeah.
Are you kidding me?!
- OK, we'll do it. - We're naturals.
- I've got a radio voice. - And I've got a radio face.
So when can you get us on the air?
If you guys are serious about this, I'll talk to Feeny after lunch.
(Feeny) And now for you kiddos, Menudo.
(♪ Latin pop)
I'll talk to him now.
Good morning.
Checking the weather it looks like a clear and sunny day
for a walk to school on my first day of radio.
- You taking requests? - Yes, I am.
Swallow your head and leave.
Obviously, Eric doesn't want Cory around
while he tries to weasel money out of good old Mom and Dad.
OK, Eric, give it your best weasel.
- He needs money. - What happened to his allowance?
He blew it on babes.
The problem here is that my allowance has not kept pace with inflation.
You have no idea what it costs to take out a pretty girl.
You wanna try that again?
Yes, I do. What I meant to say was...
- Eric, you have a letter. - Not now, Morgan, OK?
You just can't afford to take a woman... Never mind, I'm rich.
- What is that? - "Robin Leach
"and National Family Publishers have selected Eric Matthews
to be the winner of $10 million dollars."
Oh, come on, you can't be that gullible.
I won! I won! Look!
Eric, this is just a ploy to get you to buy their magazines.
- You haven't won anything. - No, no, no, no. Wrong.
Look, they printed my name. You think a big company's
gonna waste all that money printing my name if I wasn't gonna win?
Good point. Hey, you won!
Amy he won.
Maybe he can afford that brain operation we've been meaning to get him.
Go ahead and scuff if you will. I got a good feeling about this one.
See, there's a little voice inside my head. You know what it's saying?
"Life is like a box of chocolates"?
Huh?
Never mind, sweetheart. You just go wait by that front door for Robin Leach.
OK, then.
Hi, I'm Cory Matthews, along with Shawn Hunter,
and we're back with the most interesting show topic they would give us:
Meet your student council.
Our guest today is Sara Fairburn,
secretary treasurer of your student counsel.
And according to Mr. Feeny's program log, we'll be discussing
the cancellation of the ninth-grade spring dance.
Now, Sara, I imagine there's quite a story here.
No. We just ran out of money.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So we're gonna have a bake sale and try and save our dance.
Ah! Fascinating. Go on.
That's about it.
Ah, come on. What are you hiding?
Stop badgering her.
I gotta badger her, we got nothing else to talk about.
(microphone feedback)
Ugh, this show stinks.
Now, Sara, you mentioned a bake sale.
What is the profit margin on a cupcake?
Heh, what are you talking about?
- Shawn, help me. Shawn! - Oh.
Oh, Cory, I dreamed you were doing the most painfully boring
radio show in the world. And you were there.
And you... oh.
All right, now let's hear what you, the listeners, think.
Call us. Now. Please?
- No one's calling. Let's go home. - No.
Sara, a bake sale has its dark side, doesn't it? I mean...
Fat. Cholesterol. What about that?
I don't know. I'm just a kid.
Does she not know? Or choose not to know?
You know, no one else wanted to do your show.
Cory. Cory, Cory, we have a call.
Hello, you're on the air.
(man speaking German)
I'm sorry, sir. I believe Ludwig and the German Hour follows us. Call back later.
- Can I go now? - Yeah, sure. What's the point?
No, stay. Look, we have another call.
Hello, you're on the air.
(male over phone) Hi, this is Spencer.
Spencer! I believe you're a first-time caller to the show.
- You have a question for Sara? - Yes, I do.
Sara, are you still going with Joey DeRuza?
Why do you ask, Spence?
Sorry, kids, but the topic is bake sale.
Dance salvation or death by cake.
Sara, I believe the man asked you a question. How about an answer?
We broke up last week.
(Spence) Well, I've liked you ever since last year, and, um...
She's smiling, Spence.
...so I was thinking, uh...
Come on, Spence, if you don't ask this red-hot babe out, I will.
Are you doing anything this Friday?
No! And I'd love to. I'll meet you at the soda machine right now.
All right, we have a date!
Shawn, no one's interested in this.
(cheering)
We promised Turner we'd stick to the topic.
Cory, we hit on something that works.
Look at the phone lines. They're blazing!
- People are listening to us. - Big deal, Shawn.
A bunch of lonely guys are calling for a girl who's fixed up and gone.
I'm not gonna blow a career in radio for a bunch of lonely guys.
Are you the guys on the radio?
Yes, we are.
Could we be on the radio, too, and talk to boys?
That's why we're here!
Cory and Shawn back at you with... Lunchtime Lust.
Let's meet our next contestant. You are...?
My name is Jasmine Fontana.
If it isn't, it should be.
We'll take the first three callers and hook one of you up with...
Jasmine Fontana.
(both) She sure is.
(Cory over radio) Not only does Jasmine pull straight A's,
but she loves to fish wearing nothing but hip waders and a bikini top.
(Shawn) If this sounds like the girl for you, call us, Cory and Shawn,
the hottest show on ra-di-o.
You know, Jasmine, a couple of these guys have asked me
if you're a good kisser and... right now I don't know what to tell them.
Well, um... Maybe I could help you.
Well, maybe you could.
You know, you look different up close.
- Ludwig, take over. Schnell. - Ja, Herr Feeny.
- Mr. Feeny, this is our show. - Not any more.
Hello, it's Lunchtime with Ludwig.
(German accent) You may call up with your requests. I don't take them.
Out. Come on.
(applause)
See, Mr. Feeny, everyone loves what we did.
Not everybody. Consider your radio careers over.
(bell ringing)
Oh, class, tomorrow we'll be discussing chapter 12 in your history books,
which would be... The Bill of Rights.
Oh, dear.
Oh, the Bill of Rights, from the good old Constitution.
And what was that amendment that came first in the Bill of Rights?
I don't recall, but I bet our teacher knows.
Well, then, why don't we ask him?
- Oh, Mr. Feeny. - Freedom of speech.
Isn't that the one where you can say whatever you want?
I believe it is.
- And doesn't it apply to everybody? - No.
Any kind of speech, right? Like, in a newspaper, or TV,
- or... I don't know, radio? - Yes, yes.
Then something is just not making sense here, my Shawn.
Weren't we just pulled off the air because of what we said?
Yes, we were. He says one thing and then he does another.
He's being a hypochondriac.
What you two said over the airwaves was inappropriate.
Well, according to this here Constitution, uh-uh.
Come on, Mr. Feeny. Don't you believe in what you teach us?
Mr. Matthews, the rights of the Constitution were intended
for those with a sense of responsibility.
Well, if it doesn't apply to us, then why do we have to learn it?
Hi, guys. I have to tell you this - all the girls in fifth-period gym
were talking about your show in the locker room.
Girls... were talking about us in the girls' locker room?
Just tell me, were the showers on?
When are you guys gonna be on again?
Real, real soon.
We gotta get back on the air, man! How are we gonna get back on the air?
OK, I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
- I got it! - What?!
We gotta get back on the air.
- You're a genius! - I know!
That's why we make such a good team.
- Hey, Mr. Turner. - I don't know you.
Oh, come on, what'd we do?
You upset the guy in charge.
I mean, you know Feeny, he gave you responsibility
and you guys abused it, now you're gone.
Yeah, but you're the faculty advisor.
Come on, you put us on once, you can put us on again.
Now why should I stick my neck out for you guys?
Because you're the young, dedicated teacher
who believes that kids deserve a second chance.
- That's me? - Yeah, you didn't know?
Look, the only way you guys get back on the air
is if I talk to Feeny.
Yeah, like, you can talk to Feeny. He doesn't think straight, Mr. Turner.
He doesn't even believe in the Constitution.
Yeah. He totally ignores the first commandment.
Yeah, guys, just chill out, OK? It can't happen without Feeny.
All right, now promise me you'll stay away from the radio station, OK?
- (both) OK. - OK.
Like talking to Feeny's gonna help. He's just not gonna listen to anybody.
He's insane.
You know, it's you and me, Shawn. Just us.
If we're gonna get back on the radio, we're gonna have to do it by ourselves.
I agree. But we're gonna need a lot of help.
Alvin!
Tell me something Alvin, you basically put that radio station together, right?
It's my baby.
Well, Pop, let's go see how Junior's doing.
(Amy) Why are we getting Aircraft Maintenance magazine?
That's mine. Yep, yep, yep. Eric Matthews.
Excellent. I've been waiting for it and finally it's here.
What else we got?
Botswana Today? Got these guys right where I want 'em.
What guys, Eric?
Robin Leach and the guys who are gonna show up at my door
and hand me $10 million dollars.
Oh, this is your magazine scam.
No, no, no, no. It's a system.
See, I ordered a magazine for every letter of the alphabet.
That way when the computer scans for a winner it can't possibly miss me.
A and B you already know. C...
Chester.
The magazine for people named Chester.
I lied about my name.
Come to my store. Spray lettuce. Earn money.
My dream's just a little bit different than that, Dad.
'Cause you're in America, Robin Leach can still show up at your door
and hand a regular guy like me a bunch of money he didn't earn.
That's a dream worth dreaming.
You know, I'm glad he changed his name.
Morning, George.
Listen, I hear the censor yanked two of my DJ's off the air.
Yes, it's a wonder the censor didn't come after their counter-culture
- hippie faculty advisor. - Hippie?
George, my Aunt Ruthie was a hippie.
Yes, and my papa was a rolling stone.
Be that as it may, your young protégés
overstepped the boundaries of good taste.
Well, who decides what's good taste?
You're lookin' at him, baby.
Look, Hunter and Matthews don't get stoked about much around here,
but they got into that radio show, and I think they deserve a second chance.
- With a little more adult supervision. - Who would be the adult?
- You're lookin' at him, baby. - Oh.
- Well, I'll take it under consideration. - Thank you.
Oh, by the way, was your Aunt Ruthie at Woodstock?
No, I don't think so.
Must've been another Ruthie Turner.
(buzz over PA) Good morning, John Adams High!
- This is Cory. - And Shawn.
(both) The bad boys are back
- on the air! - (cheering)
They tried to silence us, but we're back and we're louder than ever.
Ow!
Well, Mr. Turner, your supervision seems to be working splendidly.
You're listening to Pirate Radio.
George, if you find them first, you save me a piece.
(Cory) Mr. Feeny wanted us to talk about the spring dance.
We'll do him one better. We'll give you a spring dance!
(Shawn) Right here, right now, Come on, everybody dance!
- (♪ rock) - Now wait a minute, wait a minute!
I want everyone to stop dancing and return to your classes.
(Cory)Let's start a Bill of Rights for students!
And the number one amendment: The right to dance.
(Shawn) Anytime, anywhere.
Help me! Help me!
- Where are they? - They went that way.
You help Ludwig, I'll round up the pirates.
Aye-aye, sir.
Please untie me. I must call my father at the embassy.
(Cory) You can hear us, but you can't see us.
- (Cory) Where are we? - (Shawn) No, keep looking.
No telling where we could be, Hey, did you check the boy's room?
Psych!
Pirate Radio is being brought to you by
the Constitution of the United States of America.
The Constitution: Void where prohibited by Feeny.
Our next musical selection is...
Shawn, where's the tape?
Behind the bucket of janitor's mops.
D'oh!
Or is that a fake clue, because we couldn't possibly be that stupid.
Oh, I think you're much more stupid than you give yourselves credit for.
Don't move.
Maybe he doesn't see us.
Mr. Turner, here are your protégés.
You would assume responsibility for them, assume away. Ludwig?
It was terrible Mr. Feeny. I am not accustomed to being so ill-used.
Yes, well... you're young yet.
- So you catch our show? - Mm-hm.
You got any constructive criticism?
Constructive? No.
Look, we just wanted to get back on the radio.
And you thought this was the way to go about it, as opposed to...
Oh, I don't know, the way we agreed on?
Oh, come one, Mr. Turner, there's no way Feeny was gonna listen to you.
Amazingly, he did listen to me.
And he was on the verge of giving you guys a second chance,
then you demonstrated why you don't deserve it.
All right, then, all we were doing was exercising our right to free speech.
Oh, come on, the First Amendment does not give you the right
to turn the school into a rave. You have responsibilities.
Responsibilities to the school and to me.
- Look, Mr. Turner... - No, save it.
We had a deal, boys.
Now why was it so important for you to get back on the air
that you were willing to shaft me?
- You wouldn't understand. - Pretend I'm stupid.
We...
went...
on the radio...
Pretend I'm smarter.
Look, Mr. Turner, we're just trying to find our place.
You know, we're only seventh graders.
But you're students, isn't that enough?
Come on, you remember what it's like?
Everybody else seems to know who they are and where they belong.
But we're nobody.
(Turner) And you thought being on the radio would help you?
(Cory) Yeah, I mean
if we're on the radio and everyone thinks we're cool
then we don't get lost in the shuffle.
You feel lost?
What about you?
Yeah, sometimes.
You know what? I bet a lot of people feel that way.
Well, maybe they do, but I'm sure they don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, I'm sure they do.
How do you know?
Look at all the calls we have already.
We're on the air?!
Someone must've turned on the switch accidentally.
- They heard all of that? - Yeah.
See, guys, you don't have to do Lunchtime Lust just to get an audience.
All you have to do is be honest. People will listen to that, too.
Hello, you're on the air.
(Feeny) Yes, I'm a first-time caller. Love the show.
You have a question?
More of a comment, really.
I thought you did a commendable job handling a rather difficult situation.
Thank you, caller.
And I do have a question. I'm curious as to what you think
the appropriate punishment would be for your two guests?
I'm thinking a week's detention.
Couldn't quite hear that, seems to be some static on the line.
A month's detention.
Loud and clear.
Well, you know, that's one man's opinion.
Let's hear from some other listeners.
(man) I say lock 'em up and throw away the key!
Get off the phone, Eric.
Guys, trust me, you got off easy.
There's a lot worse that could've happened to you.
That is them, Father. The two American boys who tried to tie me up.
Hey, bud, Friday night. Go, do, girls, friends.
No money, no girls, no friends.
Oh, so you're in for the evening, huh? Well, at least you have plenty to read.
Walking Tours for the Aged.
Oh, and look how big the print is.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, maybe that's some more magazines!
It's Robin Leach.
Uh-huh. It's getting a little old, Dad.
Hi, there. Mind if we come in? It's very chilly out there.
Oh, my gosh, it's really Robin Leach!
Your system worked! I never doubted you.
It was your mother. I don't think she should get any of the money.
It's all right, Dad. There's gonna be plenty to go around.
Hi, I'm Eric Matthews.
Hi, nice to meet you, young Eric, here in the richly appointed Matthews home.
Truly, these people have found paradise in the City of Brotherly Love.
Do you have the check?
Of course we have the check.
- Can I see it? - Of course you can.
Yeah! Yeah!
$10 million dollars! Paid to the order of Dorothy Muldoon!
Whoa, whoa. That's not you, Chester.
- It's not? - No, of course.
It's your neighbor who lives in the cozy Tudor home next door.
But they're not there at the moment, so do you wonderful folks mind
if we sort of wait here in suburban splendor until they return?
- Yeah, sure. - Take a seat.
Have a magazine. Have 26.
So, as we wait for our winners to return,
we'll relax on the Matthews' richly upholstered sofa
and gaze happily at their 30-inch console television.
Truly, this is happiness.