I have graded your book reports from last Friday...
and after I pass them out, we'll discuss them.
Ah, Mr. Matthews.
Shall I express my usual disappointment...
or just ask you to guide my sleigh tonight?
Uh, wrong holiday, Mr. Feeny. See, Halloween's coming up...
and I was just test driving my clown nose.
Then I insist you stay in the driver's seat.
Put the nose back on...
for the rest of the morning.
Mr. Minkus, excellent work as usual.
I particularly enjoyed your haiku...
on Captain Ahab's obsession with the great white whale.
"The calm blue ocean.
"Sun lights up the monster's eye.
He sees me... whale food."
It works on so many levels.
- Brown-noser. - Troglodyte.
Mr. Lewis, very good work.
Mr. Matthews, not one of your better efforts.
Mr. Hunter.
Hey, this isn't fair. Rick and I both got Cs.
How come you tell him he did good work...
and you tell me it wasn't one of my better efforts?
Would Bozo please come to the center ring?
Mr. Lewis worked very hard to get his C...
and I respect him for that.
You, on the other hand, waste your efforts...
on being the class clown.
How come you always pick on me, Mr. Feeny?
How come you never pick on Minkus?
Have you taken a blow to the head, Mr. Matthews?
Stuart Minkus gets nothing but As.
If there was a letter before "A," he would get that.
I guess that's why he gets away with so much.
And just what does he get away with?
Well, how come when I make paper airplanes...
I get detention, and he doesn't?
I Withdraw the question.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
You waited for me?
Am I not your best friend?
You had detention, too, didn't you?
Oh, yeah. Mrs. Engles nailed me.
How'd you get detention in art?
Well, that's what makes me one of the greats.
Hey.
Check this out, answers to a test.
Shawn.
We can't be looking at test answers.
That's major cheating, detention for life.
No, these aren't for a real test.
They're for that stupid lQ exam we're taking tomorrow.
Wait a minute. Let me take a look at this.
Wow.
The person who knows these answers gets a perfect score.
On a test that doesn't even count for a grade.
- Why bother? - Are you kidding?
This is my one ticket to get Feeny off my back.
If Feeny thinks I'm a genius...
he'll treat me just as good as he treats Minkus.
Hey, Cory, do yourself a favor.
Crumple the paper up, throw it away in the trash.
Don't complicate your life.
You know, that makes a lot of sense...
and if I was a smarter person, I'd probably listen to you...
except I'm not a smarter person...
But tomorrow, I'm going to be a genius.
I have in my hands the results of Tuesday's lQ test...
and one person here deserves special mention.
This person achieved...
not only the highest score in the class...
not only the highest score in the school...
but a score so high as to give rise to the question...
"ls there, in fact, a ceiling on human intelligence?"
Please, Mr. Feeny, you're embarrassing me.
Mr. Minkus, you came in second.
- Second? - Uh-huh.
As in the context of not first?
Someone scored higher than I did on the lQ test?
Blew you out of the academic water.
Someone sitting in this very classroom...
is a junior Kierkegaard.
- A what? - A great mind, Mr. Matthews...
just like yours.
I have clearly underrated you, and I bow to your genius.
Come on.
Bravo.
It's no big thing, Mr. Feeny.
On the contrary, Mr. Matthews, it is a big thing.
It is a very big thing.
Uh-oh.
We'll buy your Halloween costume tomorrow, oK?
Shelly Figus' mom...
is buying Shelly Figus her costume today.
Well, Shelly Figus must have a better mom than you do.
Here's your chance to try a little harder.
Hi, mom. Hi, weasel.
Eric, can you stay with Morgan for an hour...
while I show a house?
Sure. You want to learn how to be a big girl?
Yeah.
Because big girls know how to take out the garbage...
so their brothers don't have to.
Really? You'd teach me how to take out the garbage?
- Yep. - What am I, an idiot?
I want my Halloween costume.
It's no big deal, mom. I'll help her pick one out.
Oh, would you?
Yeah. If you could just drop us off at the store...
I'll have dad pick us up on his way home from work.
Is that oK with you?
I love Eric.
Ready?
Hop on, Weez.
Oh, hi.
Can't talk, mom, lot of homework. Got to go.
Yeah. What he said.
- Something terrible? - oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Feeny knows.
Somehow he knows, and he's going to get me.
You're wrong.
You think he's just sending a thank you note to my parents?
"Thank you for bringing up your son. He's a genius.
He's smarter than Captain Kirkaguard."
What are you doing?
That's a sealed envelope addressed to my parents.
Now they're going to know I opened it.
Corey, do your parents ever write letters to anyone?
Yeah.
And when they do, what do they put the letters in?
Envelopes.
Just like this one.
So we could read the note.
And seal it back up in a new white envelope.
Ha! I love howWe think.
What's it say?
Uh-oh. He's bringing in the S.E.A.
- What? - The State Education Authority.
They have special field agents who handle intelligence fraud.
I'm cooked! I'm cooked, Sean!
For the first time in my life, I'm in real trouble.
Not if I'm making all this up.
- Are you? - No.
I'm cooked!
Relax. of course I'm making it up.
He just wants to talk to your parents.
What if he tells them he doesn't think I'm a genius?
Who cares if Feeny doesn't think you're brilliant?
As long as the test says so.
But I'm not, and my parents know I'm not.
Then you'll have to make them think you are.
- How do I do that? - Get with the program, Cory.
It's Halloween, and this year you're going as a genius.
[CAR ARRIVES]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
[APPLAUSE]
Well, Cory Matthews...
is that classical music you're listening to?
Oh, that was just a commercial during the baseball game.
- Oh, selling cellos, were they? - Yeah, I guess so.
Come on, maestro, we saw you conducting that symphony...
with your Phillies finger.
It wasn't a symphony, dad.
It was just Beethoven's Piano Concerto in "E" Flat.
Cory, we just came from school, talking to Mr. Feeny.
We know about the lQ test.
- You do? - We do.
So, what do you know?
Well, we know that you scored very high.
The highest in the history of the school district.
I don't want to be treated any differently.
I Wouldn't think of it.
Cory, your father and I are having a little trouble...
understanding why your lQ test scores are up here...
and your report cards are, well, down here.
You know, I've been giving that some thought, too, mom.
I've decided that what you're seeing...
is the flaw in our public education system.
Yeah, I'm seeing the flaw.
Because the way I see it...
I didn't fail the system, the system failed me.
That's the way you see it?
What other explanation could there be, dad?
- Mommy! - Up here, angel face.
I don't know, Cor...
It's just seems that after 15 years of being a mother...
I'd like to think I know my own children.
I'm a zombie.
Is my little sister hideous or what?
- Hi, Eric. - Very gruesome.
Blackout teeth?
Ooh. That's my little girl.
There were no Cinderella costumes?
Hundreds of them.
And you had to choose axe in the head here?
It Was the last one.
Ooh, nice hanging eyeball.
I wanted Morgan to choose her own costume.
She did choose it, mom. She wanted to be a zombie.
Eric, 24 hours ago, she didn't know what a zombie was.
The undead are cool.
Shawn, this whole thing is getting out of hand.
Relax. Everybody thinks you're brilliant.
You should enjoy it.
When it was just Feeny, I could enjoy it.
But now my parents are involved, and I don't like lying to them.
- You don't? - No.
'Cause it gives me a little rush.
Besides, you didn't tell them you were a genius, Feeny did.
And I didn't tell Feeny I'm a genius.
The test did. And you didn't ask to take the test.
They gave it to me.
And you wouldn't have even seen the answers...
- if they didn't give us... - Detention.
We're innocent victims.
Nothing we do is actually our fault.
It's good to be kids.
- I don't get it. - What?
If you're smarter than I am...
how come you're always trying to copy from my paper?
- Uh... - He's not copying, Minkus.
He's just glancing over to admire...
the work of a fellow genius.
- You are? - He is.
I am.
Oh, well, that's oK. In fact, from now on...
I'll kind of tip my test papers up...
so you can admire the answers even easier.
- Would you do that? - No.
Genius envy.
[BELL RINGS]
Class, this is Miss Chin.
She'll be with you for the first half hour...
while I have a word with Mr. Matthews.
Tell my mom I went out like a man.
Mr. Matthews, I brought you down here...
in case there was anything you cared to say to me.
Uh, about what, Mr. Feeny?
Oh, I don't know. Sports, the weather...
the inevitable ramifications of deception.
- I choose sports. - Too bad.
How come?
Your new school doesn't have any.
You know, for a minute there...
I thought you said new school. Ha ha ha!
I did.
One that offers an entire curriculum...
geared toward students like yourself.
No mindless distractions...
such as baseball, football, basketball.
Wait a minute. What do they do for fun?
They study.
- What do they do for exercise? - They study till they sweat.
No sports teams at all?
Well, they have a highly spirited chess team.
Chess?
You know, Mr. Feeny, I'm thinking...
as fun as that sounds...
I feel like the smart kids at that school...
don't really need me.
You and my friends here need me.
Oh, but we'd be holding you back.
No. You wouldn't. Um, I could help you teach a class.
You and I, we'd be like a team.
Two men with I.Q.s working together...
for the good of all these deserving kids.
No, I think we'll just have to muddle through without you.
The school district is committed...
to giving gifted children everything they deserve...
and I think you deserve everything you're going to get.
I don't really think I deserve anything.
Oh, but according to the test, you do.
Mr. Feeny, I'm smart enough to know...
you don't really think I'm a genius.
Mr. Matthews, it no longer matters what I think.
What matters is you're no longer in my class.
Don't you love Halloween? No one is what they seem to be.
OK, I'm here. What's the big emergency?
Hey! What are you trying to do, kill me?
Kill you? I'll tell you about killed.
- How about what you did to me? - What'd I do?
Where are you spending your next recess?
Playground, shooting hoops, playing ball?
So?
So let me tell you what I'm doing.
I'm searching for Bobby Fischer!
What are you talking about?
Geniuses go to a special school.
Did you know that? You killed me.
I'm going to be in a class full of Minkuses.
Wait a minute. What am I talking about?
These kids make Minkus look like Fabio.
Wait a minute. They're putting you in another school?
Yes. The lady is going to be here in a half an hour...
and they're going to give me another genius test...
and then they're going to take me away.
So I just called you up to say good-bye.
Or as geniuses say, good-bye in Latin.
- Hey, idiot. - What?
- Are you a genius? - No.
Do you have the answers to this test?
No.
You kind of see where I'm going with this?
You want me to throw the test?
Oh, no, no. I want you to take the test...
to the best of your ability.
And no guessing.
I wouldn't want you to stumble onto a right answer.
So, Mrs. Matthews, you're a housewife?
Uh, Amy's a homemaker.
She wrangles three kids, runs this house...
and still manages to sell real estate quite successfully.
And I understand you work in a grocery store.
Well, Alan is the manager...
of the largest supermarket in this whole area.
Ah. Tradesmen are so important and yet so little respected.
Mommy? Can I have cookies?
No, honey. It's too close to dinner.
You realize, don't you, that her clothes don't match?
We let her pick out her own clothes.
We feel it encourages Morgan's creativity.
Indeed. Well, if yours are the genes...
that have produced our darling Cory...
then perhaps you've done it again...
with young Morgan here.
Shall we try a word-association problem?
- OK. - Maple is to elm...
as daisy is to...
Booger?
You may go.
Change your clothes.
Genetics is so hit or miss.
All done.
Why, Cory, most students need...
at least a full hour for this test.
I'll just get out the answer template.
And that should confirm...
What we already know.
Hmm...
- Hmm... - Hmm...
Well, Cory, if I'm to believe the results of this test...
then your I.Q. would be...
about that of an average sixth grader.
Yup, that's me. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
Did you really think you'd get away with it, Cory?
No, I guess I knew I'd be caught from the beginning.
I guess we knew that, too.
- Cory cheated. - I'm not a genius.
You'd like us to believe that, wouldn't you, Cory?
- Huh? - Huh?
Your son is manifesting typical behavior for a young genius.
But I'm not smart. Look at your answer sheet.
It says I'm a moron. I know it does.
He doesn't want to leave his old school...
and all his friends.
That is why you cheated on this test, isn't it, Cory?
Yes. Well, no, but...
Look, when I said I cheated, I didn't mean this test.
I meant the first test...
the one Feeny gave us that said I was a genius.
- Cory... - No. Please. Don't talk.
Every time you talk, you make me sound smart.
Look, mom, dad...
I found the answers to Feeny's test and memorized them.
I'm not a genius.
We kind of figured that.
You did?
Yeah, but we're glad you finally decided to come clean.
You'll excuse me, but there are actual prodigies out there...
who deserve my attention and respect.
I can't waste my time with normal people like you.
Well, you'll excuse me, but normal people like us...
have raised our children to be normal kids.
I'm sorry if they don't fit...
some arbitrary intellectual standard of yours.
But we're not sorry...
that they're well brought up and completely normal.
Aah!
Is this better?
She's a zombie. You got a problem with that?
You must be so proud.
Hmm. You guys knew I wasn't a genius all along, didn't you?
Yeah, I guess we did.
How come you went along with me?
Well, Cory, we would never accuse you of cheating.
We had no proof that you did.
We just hoped you were smart enough...
to tell us the truth eventually.
I wasn't even smart enough to do that...
until I was backed into a corner.
I guess I blew it, huh?
- Yep. - Grounded?
Yep. Two weeks.
I'll be in my room.
Yes, you will be, starting the day after Halloween.
You mean I can still have Halloween?
As long as you don't go disguised...
as a boy who cheats on tests.
I won't. That costume was totally wrong for me.
Cory, you don't have to ever try to be something you're not.
So from now on, I'll just wear my normal-kid outfit.
It always looked good on you.
[BELL RINGS]
Please read chapter seven and be ready to discuss it tomorrow.
Bozo resigns. I'm turning in my nose.
I figure as long as I'm going to give up...
being the class genius...
I'll give up being the class clown, too.
Fair trade. Welcome back to class, Mr. Matthews.
I guess I thought a guy had to be a genius...
to earn your respect.
All my students have to do to earn my respect...
is try their hardest.
I guess that's why you didn't bust Rick Lewis...
for failing this week's math quiz.
That's right. He did the best he could.
He just didn't understand the material.
I consider the failure mine, and I will try my hardest...
to make sure Mr. Lewis understands...
the next assignment.
Well, I think that's really cool of you, Mr. Feeny.
I'm cool.
God, help me.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
My turn, my turn!
Trick or treat!
One for you, one for you, two for me.
Hey, look. There's the guy that's handing out the rulers.
You're too big to trick or treat.
Yes, well, apparently my treats aren't going over so well.
Uh, would you ask one of your parents...
if I could borrow some candy?
Mom! Dad!
Trick or treat!
The candy's on its way.
Hey, aren't you that Feeny guy from school?
I'm Mr. Feeny, yes.
My brother's friend Cory Matthews...
said I'm going to have you for a teacher next year.
He said you're the best teacher in the whole school.
Oh, please, Mr. Matthews. I wasn't born yesterda...
I'm terribly sorry.
Happy Halloween.
Here, have a ruler.
Have all the rulers.
- George. - Yes?
There's plenty of candy here in the kitchen.
Thank you.
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