Good morning, class.
I would like you all to let out...
your most agonized groan.
ALL: Aw...
Good. Now, let's start planning our springtime class play.
ALL: ohh!
Been there, heard that.
Now, before you give up in despair...
you may want to hear my play selection.
It has sword fights, murder, skulls...
even ghosts.
- How does that sound? - Sounds like Spielberg.
- Sounds like Shakespeare. - Sounds like a loser.
We will be doing selected scenes from the play Hamlet.
Mr. Hunter, in the parlance of the theater...
you will be a spear carrier.
Excellent.
So this guy I play is like, what, a warrior and a hero?
No. This guy you play has very few lines to memorize.
Miss Lawrence, you will be playing...
the tragic heroine ophelia.
Now, this is a challenging role. She goes quite insane.
Topanga insane? What a stretch.
If I were a less-evolved person, I'd say cram it, brillo-head.
Mr. Minkus...
you will be playing the role of the wise old Polonius.
Polonius? He only has forty-eight lines.
I sort of pictured myself as the melancholy Dane.
For those of you unfamiliar with the reference...
Mr. Minkus means the lead role, Prince Hamlet.
Now, this is a tricky part to cast...
because Hamlet gets on a lot of people's nerves.
He makes one stupid mistake after another...
and for five acts he never shuts up.
What, do I have a booger?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Cory, I don't want to be a windmill anymore.
Morgan, you have to work with me.
I'm not going to be humiliated again...
in front of everyone on the Jersey shore.
You and Dad are going to get your butts kicked.
Not this year. Mom and Eric's winning streak is over.
Over there?
Hey, Cor, can I borrow some cash?
You're the one with the job. I'm Allowance Boy.
They cut our salaries 5% at the market.
Now, look, I could have gone to anybody for cash...
but I came to you because we're family.
I mean, we're like brothers.
You're the closest person in the world to me, Cor.
And your name is...
All right, look. For five bucks, and you never tell Mom...
I'll throw the Goofy Golf tournament this year.
Hey, Dad and I don't need you guys...
to take a dive for us to win.
Ahem.
Yeah, you do.
"To be or not to be, that is the question.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...
"to suffer the slings and arrows of... "
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Mr. Feeny, who wrote this garbage?
Some say Shakespeare's plays...
were written by a group of individuals...
but I don't necessarily believe that.
I personally subscribe to the Francis Bacon theory.
I go with the Jimmy Dean sausage theory.
Please continue, Mr. Matthews.
OK.
"To die, to sleep... no more.
And by a sleep to say we end the heartache."
Can I please stop whining...
and shove a sword through somebody's guts?
Yes, as soon as you get to the queen's chamber.
See, there's your problem right there.
You want murder, you want suspense...
you don't go to your mother's bedroom.
And how are you going to improve...
the greatest play in English literature?
Well, for starters...
let's set this thing in a burning skyscraper.
Then I could do sort of a Bruce Willis thing, you know?
Shooting Uzis, blowing away terrorists...
jumping out windows.
All this guy Hamlet does is talk.
He even talks when nobody's there.
Prince Hamlet finds himself...
in the middle of a terrible dilemma.
Whatever course of action he chooses...
could have dire consequences.
He is racked With indecision.
He is one of literature's most human characters.
You mean most wimpy characters.
Wimps talk, heroes do stuff.
The gospel according to Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Ah, ophelia, don't you look authentic.
Thank you, Mr. Feeny. Here's your costume.
Jedidiah sewed it last night.
Wait a minute. What was your dad thinking?
This is a minidress and pantyhose.
No, no. Actually this is a doublet and tights...
which is how male actors dressed back in the 1600s, see?
You know, maybe if Hamlet had worn pants...
he could have made a decision or two.
Is that a sexist comment?
That's what I was shooting for.
Don't listen to her, Cor. Her dad sews.
Now, listen.
Part of this assignment is to learn the classical style.
So doing the play in its original form...
will help with the lesson. Here.
OK, Mr. Feeny, you don't want to listen to my ideas...
the kind of ideas that could make this play famous, fine.
But don't expect me...
to sit around like Hamlet did and take it.
Oh, and what do you propose to do?
I quitteth.
A stunning series of jabs from Matthews...
staggering an unsuspecting Feeny.
A simple move in the art of negotiation...
my little spear carrier.
- You think he'll give in? - What choice does he have?
Without me, he'll have to cancel the play.
It's Less than a week away.
I mean, who else is he going to find...
who has my, dare I say, charisma?
Yeah, that and no one else knows all the lines.
Now I am alone.
Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I?
- You, Hamlet? - Thou speaketh true.
[LISPING] Thou speaketh like Snagglepuss.
Melancholy Dane... he was Danish.
Maybe I should do this with a Scandinavian accent.
[SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT] Soft you now, the fair ophelia.
Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remembered.
Wait till Feeny sees our Prince Haagen Dazs over there.
He's going to be begging me to come back to the play...
with my Uzi.
Coming to an elementary school near you...
Hambo. Part Six... To KiLL or Not to KiLL.
[IMITATING MACHINE GUN]
I just sank eighteen in a row.
You and Mom are Goofy Golf has-beens.
I think we'll just keep our trophy on the shelf.
The tournament has been canceled.
What?
Remember that 5% pay cut at the market?
Dad's pay got cut, too.
He says we can't afford to go away this year.
Eric, what are you talking about? Dad's the boss.
He can do Whatever he Wants.
Dad!
Dad, what's this stuff about us not going...
to the Jersey shore?
Uh, well, sorry, Cor...
but Mom and I had to cancel that trip.
How come you did this pay cut thing now?
Well, it wasn't my decision.
Well, whose decision was it?
- Bob Williams. - So just fire him.
I can't. He's the boss.
I thought you were the manager.
Well, I am the manager, but he's the district manager.
Then above him there's a lot of other bosses.
Well, come on, Dad. There must be something you can do.
Well, what do you suggest?
I suggest Dad can do anything he wants.
Well, there are other people to consider, Cor...
like my employees.
Yeah, but, I mean, you're not some spear carrier.
No, but I'm not exactly running the show, either.
Well, Dad, I think you should go in there and talk to them...
and if they don't want to do it your way, then just quit.
You think it's that simple, huh?
Yeah. Throw a little weight around.
Trust me. It feels good.
Alan?
Let me ask you something.
Do you think of me as a spear carrier?
You know, the trick to raising a 12-year-old is ignore him.
Can I ignore the people at work?
I mean, do they see me as good old...
"Do What He's Told" Alan Matthews?
Alan won't complain. Alan's a company guy.
There he is, aisle four, with his spear.
Gee, I thought the spears were on aisle five.
I moved them next to the slings and the arrows.
No, but really, I really think I've got to do something here.
Well, I think we both know what you're going to do.
No, you don't know what I'm going to do.
Oh, you aren't going to talk to Bob Williams?
OK, you know what I'm going to do...
but you don't know what I'm going to say.
And neither do you. That's the problem.
You don't think I can control my temper with Bob, do you?
Look... Alan Matthews, Bob Williams.
Bob, Alan has something he'd like to say to you.
Bob has less hair.
Talk to the man.
Bob...
Bob.
Bob, I've got 150 people who are working very hard...
and being squeezed very tight by this rollback...
and my store is outperforming all the other Market Giants...
in the greater Philadelphia area...
and I feel that this rollback is neither warranted nor fair.
Calm, succinct, rational.
Gee, I'm just not attracted to you anymore.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night, Bob.
Good night, good-looking.
Now that I've got you alone...
Bob...
let me show you what I've always wanted to do with your head.
Now, my wife would call that cranky.
Hail, Corius.
Where's your spear?
I've got guys to carry my spear.
- Since when? - Since you left the play...
and Feeny shifted all the roles around.
I got bumped up to Polonius.
You look more like a Balonius.
Yeah, he's kind of a fat guy...
and there's a lot of lines to memorize...
but you know what's really cool about him?
- What? - Act lll, scene four.
Huh-aah! Uhh!
[GROANING]
Huh-uhh!
Huhh!
Huh!
What do you think?
You die pretty realistically.
Yeah. Feeny says it's his favorite part of the play.
Yeah, so you're really getting into it.
How's Minkus doing in my part?
Good. Good.
Really stinking bad.
He's killing us, Cory. You got to come back.
Hey, if Feeny backs down on the ballerina outfit, I'm there.
He's not going to back down...
and Minkus is stinking up my play.
Well, I'm not crawling back to Feeny.
Cory, I'm asking you a favor.
Shawn, yesterday...
you worshipped me as a god for quitting.
If the play's so bad, then why don't you quit?
I can't. Too many people are depending on me.
Who's depending on you?
My dad. He's coming to see the play.
Your dad's taking time off work to watch you die?
Apparently this is something everybody wants to see.
You know what I want to see?
You and me shooting hoops in the gym right now.
I can't, Cory. I got rehearsal.
Hey, guys. Wait up.
They disobey me like that again, I'm going to sit on them.
What is he...
whose grief bears such an emphasis?
Stop, Mr. Minkus.
I answer only to Hamlet.
Stop, Mr. Hamlet.
You're supposed to be facing the audience.
Aren't I?
Hamlet, where are your glasses?
Mr. Feeny, they didn't have eyeglasses in the Middle Ages.
Put on your glasses and climb into ophelia's grave.
You know, I read an article...
that Elizabethan English is a lot like American Southern...
so let me show you a little something...
I've been playing around With.
[SOUTHERN ACCENT] Shazam!
Show me what thou't do.
Woo't weep? Woo't fight?
Woo't tear thyself?
Oh, great. Ernest goes to Denmark.
Stuart, I can't breathe.
- Stick to the script. - Your foot is on my liver.
I can't Work like this.
All right, all right, I've had enough of rehearsal.
I want you all to go home.
Hey, looks like we can shoot hoops after all.
Yeah, let me just go park my gut in the wardrobe room.
So, how's the play going?
Well, as you can see, very poorly.
You know, when I quit this thing...
I didn't think that everyone would be so affected.
Neither did I.
OK, Mr. Feeny, I'm still not big on the pantyhose idea...
but if that's what it takes, you got your Hamlet back.
Mr. Matthews, come here.
I already have my Hamlet.
He may bump into the scenery, he may talk like a hayseed...
For all I know, tomorrow he may show up in kabuki makeup.
Nevertheless, he is my Hamlet.
I do, however, have an opening for a spear carrier.
Spear carrier?
There's an old theater expression...
there are no small parts, only small actors.
You know, Mr. Feeny...
maybe I wouldn't have bailed on this play...
if you picked something a little cooler.
I mean, couldn't we do selected scenes from The Terminator?
Or how about a Steven Seagal soliloquy?
You know, Mr. Matthews, you are absolutely right.
Shakespeare is dry, tedious...
and there's no way for a person your age to be affected by it.
I am thy father's spirit...
doomed for a certain term...
to waLk the night...
and for the day confined...
to fast in fires...
till the foul crimes done in my days of nature...
are burned and purged away.
But that I am forbid to tell the secrets...
of my prison house...
I could a tale unfold...
whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul...
freeze thy young bLood...
but this eternal blazon...
must not be to ears of flesh and blood.
List!
Oh. List.
If thou didst ever...
thy dear father love...
oh, God.
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
Murder?
Of course, I'm no Steven Seagal.
Dad! oh, it's just you.
Mom, you wasted a perfectly good birth on this?
Dad's supposed to be home from his meeting by now.
What meeting?
Your dad went down to talk to the regional manager...
about that salary rollback.
What? Why did he do that?
Mom, he could lose his job.
They could bust him down to box boy.
I thought you wanted him to talk to his boss.
Oh, way to go, Cory.
If Dad gets fired, they're never going to keep me on.
You've destroyed the whole family.
I got to go down to the store and stop him.
Dad! You didn't yell at your boss, did you?
Why would anyone think I was going to yell?
Hey, I'm the one who found Bob Williams' head...
splattered all over the kitchen floor.
- Did you get my 5% back? - No, Eric. I didn't.
I'm going to cancel 5% of my dates.
Yeah, but, you know, I had a very good talk...
with Bob Williams, and Bob is very clear on my point...
I'm talking to nobody.
So, how did it go?
It was not the easiest meeting I've ever had.
Dad, you didn't quit, did you?
No, I didn't. I was tempted, but I didn't.
I guess you couldn't, huh? I mean, with me and Mom...
and the rest of the family counting on you.
No. I didn't want to let you guys down.
Wish I'd figured that out a couple days ago.
I did let all my guys down.
You mean when you quit your play?
Yeah. You know, being the lead in the play...
is a lot like being the dad.
Excuse me?
OK, so it's not, but still if you make a selfish mistake...
the people who count on you get hurt.
Well, maybe Mr. Feeny would let you back in the play.
Well, he did offer me a smaller part.
The bad news is I'd still have to Wear the pantyhose.
But nobody laughs at a guy carrying a big spear.
Oh, good! Daddy's here! We can start!
- Not yet, Morgan. - Start what?
Oh, you know women. They're always starting something.
Dad, I'm sorry I got on your case...
about you not being able to take us to the Jersey shore.
You know, between us, I've never even liked Goofy Golf.
Oh, well, you could've fooled me.
You always looked like you were having a lot of fun.
No, no. If I never see another Goofy Golf ball again...
it's fine With me.
Oh, well, you'll be really disappointed...
when you see what's in the backyard.
What?
Whoa!
Goofy Golf!
Did I mention how much I love Goofy Golf?
Well, it's not exactly the Jersey shore.
No, it's better. We don't have to drive three hours...
with Morgan getting carsick and Mom singing show tunes.
Sometimes I think that's why Morgan gets carsick.
Well, come on, let's play.
Listen, listen, listen, if you want to make a hole in one...
in the Market Giant here, aim for the right armpit.
No, that'll bank into Feeny's backyard.
Not if somebody designed...
an imperceptible little groove...
that guides the ball into the cup.
Dad!
Let's just keep this between us winners.
- Three! - Uh, fore.
Whatever.
Are you ready to pound these weenies into the ground...
for the seventh straight year?
No mercy.
Unless you guys want to give up now.
Do you want to quit?
Oh, that's never been my style. How about you?
I quit quitting.
Hey, my partner and I are not quitters.
Cheaters, yes. Quitters, no.
Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt...
thaw and resolve itself into a dew.
This... bites.
If I was any more bored, I'd be dead.
What are you talking about? Without us, there'd be no play.
We're the few, the proud, the spear carriers.
Give me a break. No one even knows we're here.
Might as well be that wall over there.
Have some pride, man.
Live your part. Make it your own.
OK.
[POP]
Oh, I thinks... ooh!
Ah! Shakespeare as it was meant to be.
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