No!
Why are you downstairs?
Honey? Why are you...
Honey, you gotta do something.
You are going to bed. Don't you...
ANDY: Honey, I need you to take the baby.
Madison, you are going to bed. Oh, my God. Ripped By mstoll
What are you doing here?
We're supposed to meet at the bowling alley in an hour.
I'm not ready. Yeah, we were.
But since one of us has a really annoying tendency
to bail last minute on boys' night... MADISON: No.
The other one of us decided to pick you up...
(MADISON WHINING) ...negating the possibility of the bail-out.
Can somebody make... Can you make that stop crying?
No bedtime!
I'm sorry. You gotta go to bed. MADISON: No, no, no.
I don't want to go to bed.
Yeah. I don't want to go to bed either, but you don't see me raging about it.
No. No. Get a grip, tiny person.
Put your jammy-pants on right now or no cuddly-wuddly with me.
Hey, if no cuddly-wuddly with your mom is an option,
I would jump on that right now, baby girl.
Oh, look who left the big city to slum it in the East Bay.
How'd we get so lucky?
(CRYING)
(MOANING) Can't we do something to stop this, please?
God, it's so noisy.
Yeah, Will. We have a remote that mutes them
and freezes them in place, but it's out of batteries.
All right, let's go. Let's go.
Hey, since you're here there's actually something we wanted to talk to you about.
(SIGHING) Now.
All right. In the event that
something tragic should happen to Laurie and I,
we would like you to be Jonah's godfather.
Well, not "we." He.
I just want to make that clear. We.
What? Wait. If something... If something...
tragic happens
you want me to raise it?
I mean, we'd have to die simultaneously
and the chances of that happening are just...
I'm never dying.
So, wow, guys.
That is so, uh...
I mean he's cute. He's very, very cute.
I'm just gonna go with a "no," you know?
What?
We're going bowling! Let's go.
Five minutes. I'm giving you five.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
All right, you're being weirdly quiet. What's up?
My child has no godparent, Will.
(SCOFFS) Let's just move on, okay? We're going bowling tonight.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Who is that?
Don't pick that up. Don't pick that up. It's Laurie.
Chuck it out the window. Chuck it!
Hey, honey. Oh, my God, you've got to be kidding.
All right.
No, no. I've got to go home.
What? We're transitioning Madison onto the potty
and she won't poop unless I'm there.
I'm her potty motivator. It's actually kind of sweet.
What? It's horrific.
You are not bailing on me tonight.
It's only gonna take about an hour, all right?
I mean, why freak out. An hour to poop?
Just take me home. No, this car's not stopping
until we get to the bowling alley.
Dude, seriously.
No. I am not letting you bail on me tonight.
You know what?
Andy, do not...
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Andy, come back here! We're bowling, Andy!
(LIGHT DINGING)
T.J., what up, dude?
Crosby, what up? Billy? Great news.
I got a big night lined up.
It could get crazy and you're the first person I'm calling.
Dude, this will be the biggest night of your life. (WHOOPING)
You're the first person I'm calling.
You're number one on my list every time.
Say yes. Say yes. Say yes. Say yes.
Oh, kid's recital... Wait, when did you have a kid?
You're married?
Yeah, you're the first person I'm calling, man.
What? You moved to Cincinnati. Really, dude?
(GROANING) Oh, trouble in paradise.
No. It's just Andy bailed on me again tonight
and I already prepaid for the lane so it's like...
Hey, is there any chance that...
Oh, let me stop you right there before you embarrass both of us.
I'm not going to go bowling with you, Will.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I was gonna ask Marcus, Fiona.
Oh.
Yes. Yes! I totally bowl, Will.
And I'm so much more awesome than Andy.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Car's leaving in 30 seconds.
If you're not in it, I'm out of here.
First Andy bails on me, now he's not answering my texts.
What's that about?
Thanks for bringing me here.
Ooh, you should feel my pulse.
This is the most excited I've ever been.
Yeah? Is it more exciting than a pooping baby?
Yes.
(CHEERING)
All right, dude. Let's see it.
(SIGHS)
Just straight down the middle.
(GROANS)
Okay, third time's the charm.
All right, buddy. Do it.
I got a good feeling about this one, Will.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, Will, do you think we could use the bumpers?
I've really got my heart set on reaching the pins.
Maybe even toppling one.
Andy and I don't use bumpers, Marcus.
It's not how we roll.
And that is not intended as a joke.
I didn't see it as one.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
MARCUS: Oh. Andy would've.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Will! She pooped, Will.
Will! We can go out now.
Will? He's... He's not in.
Oh, hey. He's not here.
I'm Andy, Will's best friend. You're Fiona.
We met briefly, remember? Yes. Hello.
How's it going? Good.
We were gonna go out. He took my son Marcus bowling.
(SIGHING) That's unbelievable.
I'm sorry.
I have the hall pass tonight
and he was just supposed to wait for one hour
so I could help my daughter poop.
She won't poop without me holding her hand.
You know my son, Marcus,
was a late pooper.
And it was rough going,
but actually it turned out to be
rather a bonding experience for us.
Oh.
What kind of wine you got there?
That's a Shiraz. Oh.
Shiraz-mataz.
Ah, Shiraz-mataz.
(CHUCKLING)
I've never had it.
Mmm.
Probably delicious.
Not really, actually.
Does the trick though.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, here's the one. Look.
Aw, so gorgeous, aren't they?
And Will doesn't even know them. I mean, would it kill him
to learn their names?
He must know their names.
No. He only knows that my kid's name is Jonah
because he stole the name when he was using Marcus to get laid.
Yes. I recall that.
What do you think? I really like that, but I'm a toe guy.
It's good, isn't it? Toes don't need to scream anything, do they?
Well... All right. More booze.
Oh, bugger. Do you see that?
I've got to fix that. Let me. I can do it.
Are you handy? So handy that they call me Handy Andy.
They don't.
They don't. But you got any tools? I can probably fix it.
Yeah. I've got a lovely crochet tool belt, actually.
Okay, you're gonna love this.
All right, we'll take the usual, Kitty.
Two prime rib French dip sliders
and two Belgian fries with the pepper jack mayo.
Oh, no pepper jack mayo for me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They are famous for their pepper jack mayo.
Well, I'm famous for being lactose intolerant.
Do you have any hemp spread?
The look on your face says you could use some hemp spread, too, bro.
You know how hard I worked on Laurie
to get her to agree to have Will be the godfather?
All right? I love her to death but she's just not as chill as you are, Fiona.
Oh, thanks, Andy.
You know, and then he just flat out rejects me.
I mean, doesn't even take it seriously.
He's supposed to be my best friend and he doesn't even...
Yo, just dropping off...
What the hell is going on here?
Hey, darling. Did you paint your toenails?
Just testing colors. Nothing's going on.
Handy Andy is enjoying the company of a considerate friend.
Nice bailing tonight, wuss.
Oh, I'm sorry, what'd you say, not-Jonah?
(LAUGHING) Yeah, no, no. He's my kid.
Right.
You couldn't wait an hour, Will. One lousy hour of inconvenience to you,
then we could have had our night out, but no.
I agree with Handy Andy.
Well, I was enjoying the company of a friend
who's free to have fun, wine teeth.
Provided he finishes his homework first.
Well, I think Handy Andy needs to grow a set and quit bailing.
Marcus! In my defense, I have no idea what any of that means.
You know what? I'm out of here.
Thanks for a fun time. Oh, I see. Bailing again.
I'm not bailing. I'm just blowing you off.
(WHISTLES) (CHUCKLES)
That was a Shiraz, right?
2005.
Andy is either never around, which sucks,
or he bails completely, which blows.
So as a friend, Andy sucks and blows.
Yes, I can see how his demanding schedule
tramples on your boundless free time.
You know what? Your sarcasm is ineffective against my absolute rightness,
although halfway through that I closed my eyes
and I thought you were Adele.
Do you have any awareness of the challenges
going on in Andy's life right now?
Yeah. His best friend is pissed at him.
Andy and Laurie haven't been alone in months.
Alex has anxiety going to kindergarten every day,
and Madison can't poop unless Andy is standing right there.
Yeah. How annoying is that?
You know you have an absolutely one-sided friendship with Andy?
Andy said that to you? No. I'm saying that and so would Adele.
It's always all about you, Will.
It is with profound grace and humility
that I accept your invitation to be the little
baby Jonah's godfather.
Uh, (LAUGHS) You're kidding, right?
The offer has been rescinded.
Rescinded? (SCOFFS) What?
The appropriate answer when we first asked you
would have been to weep and say that you'd be deeply honored.
But instead you snubbed us and made Andy jump out of a moving car.
Made him? He opened the door and flew out.
You know what? Just get out of my house, okay?
Andy, help me out here, man.
The truth is you're not godfather material. Right?
It's really hard to raise a kid, Will. What?
You have no idea. You're clueless.
There's no time for anything else.
We're so behind on Homeland,
we don't even know if Abu Nazir is a bad guy.
Abu Nazir is a terrorist. It couldn't be any clearer!
Have you never heard of spoiler alerts?
Honestly, this hurts. This hurts me, man.
(SCOFFS) You have pain?
(LAUGHING) That's hilarious.
Andy was so devastated
by your shoddy treatment of him yesterday
that he couldn't even get out of bed this morning.
Oh, really? Is that why you couldn't get out of bed this morning?
Yeah. Really?
Because I thought it was because he drank two bottles of Shiraz
with my next-door neighbor Fiona last night.
What?
I...
Who the hell is Fiona?
The woman he spent the night with last night.
That's... Spent the night with?
Honey... Andy?
I had a little bit of wine with her
because he'd already gone out.
All we did was talk about the kids. That's all we did.
Is that all you did, Handy Andy?
Aw, man.
Who the hell is Handy Andy?
Andy? I may have fixed her cabinet.
Thank you. Hey, man.
You know, I really wanted to go out with you last night.
You couldn't adjust your plans by an hour.
One hour. It's not just about last night, Andy.
You never have time for me anymore.
I mean, we've watched the Super Bowl every year
since high school, and last year I got tickets to the Super Bowl,
and you... And you bailed on me.
For my wife who went into labor, man.
Eh, she knew I got those tickets, man.
I think she self-induced.
(JONAH CRYING)
Ah! That's disgusting.
That's my life, man. (JONAH CRYING)
And the fact that you consistently don't recognize that,
really bums me out that you haven't taken the time to bond with the kids.
You don't even know their names.
I absolutely know their names.
Oh, really? Name them.
Listen, I'm gonna bond with them, okay?
When they're fully functioning,
when they don't need like a team to go poop.
I'm sorry, Will. This is who they are now.
This is who I am now.
You may be my best friend, but you have not been a good friend.
Come on, guys.
WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, no spinning, okay?
Foosball is a precision sport.
It's a meticulous combination of soccer and surgery.
Well, spinning is faster.
Oh, my God, you should see Andy play.
He's like the world's most precise surgeon and Ronaldo rolled into one.
He once did a bicycle kick. A bicycle kick in foosball.
I still don't know how he did it.
I love hanging with you, Will, but
I can't handle your obsession with Andy.
Andy is way out of line saying that I'm not a good friend.
I mean, he's just taking his frustration out on me
because he's not free to do the things he wants to do
and I am free to do them.
But don't blame me for your freedom, which you don't have,
or for not bonding with your infants
who are arguably incapable of bonding.
Did you, like, think I became Andy halfway through that?
Because that was really weird.
I'm leaving, Will. No offense.
It's just that until you work things out with Andy
I'd prefer to stay on my side of the dumbwaiter.
Once again I have something important and wonderful to tell you.
You're not going to be the godfather, Will.
But if you want to be Fredo, I'll gladly put you in a rowboat and shoot you.
I'm not here to be the godfather, Laurie.
I am here to be a friend.
I would like to babysit the little people
while you two go out and spend some alone time for a few hours.
Just... Or maybe a little less.
A little... A little less would be ideal for me.
Um, and maybe I'll even bond with, um,
little Jonah and... And the girl and...
Maddy and Alex. I'm gonna learn their names.
This is awesome. This is amazing.
Thank you so much, Will. See?
Um, are you insane?
We are not leaving our babies alone with him.
Can we talk about it?
There's nothing to talk about. I think there is something to talk about.
(SOFTLY) Well, I think there isn't.
Laurie, family meeting. Now.
(GASPS)
I hate when you do that. Let's just go.
We'll be right back.
Just don't.
Fridge monster!
Okay, it's back in the fridge.
(GASP ON TV)
Dude, security deposit!
Okay. So, did a little negotiating.
Hey, by the way, that whispering thing was terrifying.
Yeah. All right. Whatever.
So Laurie's not gonna leave the house with you here,
but you can watch the kids downstairs
while we spend a little alone time upstairs if that's cool.
Mmm-hmm. So you guys are gonna...
While I'm down here. I mean, that's cool.
I mean, not really, but let's just go with it.
Hey, thank you.
Okay, okay, okay. Okay.
I've got a bottle prepared for Jonah,
but if he's still hungry
there's cubes of frozen peas and squash in the freezer.
Microwave them for 32 seconds. Not 35, not 30.
You can cut up some apple for them
but leave the skin on. It's full of antioxidants.
ANDY: Okay, come on. And make sure you cut it
into small slices so they don't... (IMITATES CHOKING)
You can put Jonah in his crib but you must swaddle him first.
You must. Also...
Enough. Honestly, you sound like you're going away for eight years.
I am here for two hours, not three, not two and a half, okay?
And I'm pretty sure "swaddle" isn't even a word.
(SIGHS) It's in the Bible, Will.
"The Baby Jesus in his swaddling clothes."
Okay. Come on. Come on.
I'm not so sure.
We'll be right upstairs if anything happens.
Okay. Hey, kiddos, have fun. Use protection.
We don't want a troop surge.
The second I leave, Jonah's gonna start to wail,
but he will calm down at some point.
Come get Andy if Madison has to poop
because she won't do it without him. Come on. Come on.
Oh, and Alex is a biter.
Which one's Alex?
Ow! Found him.
(WHINES)
Okay. Hello. I'm Will. I'll be your caregiver
for the next couple of hours.
Shall we begin the bondage?
As in bonding not bond... Not...
Moving on.
You're Jonah because you're the baby.
Listen, I understand you don't talk, but this whole crying thing is just...
It's a non-starter with me,
so if you could just smile or hum if you have any concerns. Appreciate that.
Okay, you're Alex, 'Cause you went all Jaws on me,
which I can't even tell you how uncool that is.
I mean, who bites someone on the butt?
And that makes you Madison, the gun-shy pooper.
Listen, that situation of yours is so far out of my wheelhouse
that why don't we just agree that while I'm here you'll eat nothing?
(SCREAMING)
Come back here, you little gangsters.
No water weaponry on my watch.
(JONAH CRYING)
No. No, no, no.
I thought we talked about the crying thing, Jonah.
(CRYING) Ooh, I'm a silly man.
Silly man. Silly man. (LAUGHING)
(WAILING) You know what? This is just...
Whatever.
(CRYING STOPS)
Bull's-eye.
It's been too long. Way too long.
Let's go. We don't have time. I need this.
(PANTING) I know it.
All right, Abu Nazir.
What do you got?
Yeah, baby.
Count with me. One, two, three, four...
You know, I wouldn't necessarily drink beer like this at a bar,
but if you're just chilling at home watching tube, it's pretty sweet.
Check me, no hands. Ready?
(HUMMING) (LAUGHING)
Madison, are you having a stroke?
She has to go poop and that's a problem because Dad's not here.
That's not a problem. We'll just get Daddy.
But Mommy and Daddy are having sexy time.
You know what?
I got this.
Okay. I'm gonna leave you here and then you do your business
and then we'll go back to watching the tube.
You know, we've got to see if Dora and Boots can save the Crystal Kingdom
because they're... They're up against it.
No. I can't be alone.
Well, that's kind of how this whole thing works.
Maybe I'll stand out here and then you can do your thing.
I want my daddy.
Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm here with you.
I'm here with you, Madison, all right? It's okay.
And there's no reason to be scared.
Sometimes my daddy holds my hand, which sometimes helps.
Oh, I'm... I'm generally not a hand-holder.
Sometimes my daddy sings.
That helps.
Really? What kind of music are you into?
You like hip-hop? You like country? You like hair-band stuff?
Pop Goes the Weasel.
Oh, that's a good choice.
(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.
(SINGING) All around some kind of bush
The monkey chased the weasel
The monkey stopped to take a leak
Pop goes the weasel
I did it.
(LAUGHING)
I love you, Will.
I...
I love you, too, Madison.
Oh, my God.
Thanks, man.
Can you wipe me, Will?
Okay, your daddy's here.
"And I vow to better myself LAURIE: Better myself.
"So I can be a better godparent to you."
I'm not saying this. LAURIE: Say it.
This is stupid. Say it.
I'm not gonna say it. Say it.
ANDY: Come on. "And I vow to always love you
"as if you were the fruit of my own loins. "
That's beautiful. It is sick.
I'm done. What?
What are you doing? I'm out of here.
Seriously?
LAURIE: Oh, that's... Okay.
That's right. You just go back on over the bridge.
City trash.
Real classy.
You did this, Will.
Turn it off. Ripped By mstoll