1 00:00:03,562 --> 00:00:04,402 Adult Adam: Hockey... 2 00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:06,504 A time-honored tradition for the Goldberg gang. 3 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:07,906 My dad raised us watching the Flyers 4 00:00:07,907 --> 00:00:12,744 and dreamed of us being as cool and tough as the Broad Street bullies. 5 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,879 Of course, what I lacked in size and strength, 6 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:17,982 I made up for with clumsiness and asthma. 7 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,650 My costume is so uncomfortable. 8 00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:22,687 It's a jersey, not a costume. 9 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:23,254 Geez. 10 00:00:23,256 --> 00:00:24,822 It didn't matter that I was a total scrub. 11 00:00:24,824 --> 00:00:27,158 My dad thought I could be great someday, 12 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,527 and I didn't want to let him down. 13 00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:31,696 - You ready? - Hell yeah. 14 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:35,299 I'm ready to hockey it up. 15 00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:37,935 There he is, my little ice angel. 16 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:41,873 Remember our rule... The real winner is safety. 17 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,509 It's the big leagues, Bevy! 18 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:45,910 He's in Junior Peewee now. 19 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:48,212 This is the year that Adam scores his first goal. 20 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:51,416 Murray, I don't understand why you insist he plays. 21 00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,418 Adam, be careful on that ice. 22 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:54,318 It's very slippery. 23 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,587 Why don't you just skate around with him all game 24 00:00:56,589 --> 00:00:57,388 and make sure he stays safe? 25 00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:59,490 I know you're joking, but I would do that 26 00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:01,793 if the situation presented itself. 27 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:05,229 Hockey wasn't my thing, but it was Barry's everything. 28 00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:06,798 Whoo! What a hit! 29 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,699 I don't think he's getting up. 30 00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:11,135 I told you, Flyers got to hit to win. 31 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,570 (Grating voice) I'm Freddy Krueger! 32 00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:14,505 I'm gonna haunt your dreams, fool! 33 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:16,107 - What's he doing? - Just ignore him. 34 00:01:16,109 --> 00:01:17,341 (Growls) Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. 35 00:01:17,343 --> 00:01:18,609 He'll wear himself out. 36 00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:19,944 (Growls) Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. 37 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,546 That's enough. That's enough. 38 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:23,314 Let me watch the game. Stop. 39 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:24,282 Just watch the game, Adam. 40 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:27,518 My dad took hockey very seriously, 41 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,020 and my brother, Barry, did, too. 42 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:31,622 Out of all the things he thought he was good at, 43 00:01:31,624 --> 00:01:33,024 this one he actually was. 44 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:35,126 (Buzzer sounds) Barry: Goal! 45 00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:37,829 And my dad loved going to his games. 46 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,630 Look at you! Look at you! 47 00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:43,734 But when it came to my games, not so much. 48 00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:45,069 Go, Adam! 49 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,270 (Cheering) 50 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,206 Even so, my dad dragged his ass 51 00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:50,141 to those stands to cheer me on. 52 00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:51,142 No, no! The other way! 53 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,678 But he never stopped believing that one day 54 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,079 I would score that first goal 55 00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:57,548 and live up to the Goldberg potential. 56 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:58,316 Do something! 57 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,451 Then, it finally happened. 58 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:01,185 My moment... 59 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:05,790 my big shot to make my dad proud. 60 00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,826 (Suspenseful music playing) 61 00:02:11,497 --> 00:02:12,930 (Buzzer sounds) 62 00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:14,165 Or so I thought. 63 00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:16,534 Yes! I finally scored! 64 00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:17,869 Yeah. 65 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,805 Damn it, Goldberg. You scored on our goal. 66 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,573 (Crowd jeering) 67 00:02:23,642 --> 00:02:25,743 I call a do-over! 68 00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:28,546 That's a thing in sports, right? 69 00:02:31,350 --> 00:02:32,350 ♪ I'm twisted up inside 70 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:37,255 ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say 71 00:02:38,690 --> 00:02:39,690 ♪ I don't know the future 72 00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:42,460 ♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪ 73 00:02:42,462 --> 00:02:45,730 Adult Adam: It was February 25, 1980-something. 74 00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:47,231 My sister was prepping for the SATs, 75 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:50,168 and my mom was gonna be there every step of the way 76 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,670 with words of support and encouragement. 77 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,906 Okay, I don't want to make a big deal about this, 78 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,542 but your entire life is literally riding on this one test. 79 00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,844 You've made that very clear. 80 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,312 Now stop hovering. 81 00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:04,815 Sorry. I'll just be quietly over here. 82 00:03:07,619 --> 00:03:09,353 (Clangs) Aah! What the hell? 83 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:12,390 This test is all about how you handle distraction. 84 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:13,758 Focus your mind. 85 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,226 Shut out the world. 86 00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:15,793 Mom. 87 00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,495 I don't think there are going to be 88 00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:19,330 any explosions at the test center. 89 00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:20,231 You don't know that. 90 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,099 It could be underneath a discotheque, 91 00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:23,668 or next to a fireworks factory, 92 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:25,736 or in a bad part of South Philly, 93 00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:28,573 like where your gym teacher got arrested. 94 00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:29,507 You're not helping. 95 00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:32,043 And time! Pencils down. 96 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,845 Okay, you didn't even answer the last 10 questions. 97 00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:38,316 - What's wrong with you? - You're what's wrong with me! 98 00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:39,150 You know what? 99 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,718 That's fine. I'm done for the night. 100 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,753 The night has just begun, missy. 101 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:43,754 Tuchus down, now. 102 00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:45,990 Look, my SAT tutor said that taking 103 00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:48,759 too many practice tests will burn you out. 104 00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:50,795 And that's why I fired her. 105 00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:52,196 You fired Wendy woo? 106 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,464 I fired Wendy woo. 107 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:56,033 She was happy and kind and patient! Ugh! 108 00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:58,302 Three terrible qualities in a tutor. 109 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,271 But don't worry. I hired someone else. 110 00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,273 She'll be here momentarily. 111 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,141 Erica: What? What's happening? 112 00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:05,643 - Surprise! - No... 113 00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:06,978 It's me! I'm your new tutor! 114 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,014 Stop doing what you're doing. Erica... 115 00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,115 The fate of your college career 116 00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:13,484 rides on this one single test, and trust me, 117 00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:15,219 I know how important college is. 118 00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:18,889 The biggest regret of my life is dropping out to have you. 119 00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:19,757 Oh, that sounded awful. 120 00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:23,060 I am just gonna keep on talking until it fixes itself. 121 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:24,795 - Has it fixed itself? - No. 122 00:04:24,797 --> 00:04:26,430 I think it has. Here. 123 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:29,000 I've gone through tests from the past 10 years 124 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:32,136 and compiled all the most difficult math problems. 125 00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:33,237 Do them now. 126 00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:36,007 What? These are way too hard. 127 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:38,109 I believe in you. 128 00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:41,112 Adult Adam: While my mom was turning the screws on Erica, 129 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,147 my dad had given up on me. 130 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,449 What are you doing? The Flyers are on. 131 00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:46,717 I got news for you, Albert. 132 00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:49,387 I'm done with hockey. That's right. 133 00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:51,622 Adam spoiled the whole sport for me. 134 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,556 It happens. 135 00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:54,992 Sometimes the puck deflects off you 136 00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:57,161 and ricochets into your own goal. 137 00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:59,530 Murray: No! He aimed. He shot. 138 00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,699 He scored. He danced! 139 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:02,600 I'm so sorry. 140 00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,969 Why don't you just let the boy quit? 141 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,871 He hates hockey. For now. 142 00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:08,806 But when I force him to play against his will, 143 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,441 he'll eventually become great. 144 00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:14,712 And then his bitterness towards me will turn into love. 145 00:05:14,714 --> 00:05:17,915 That, my friend, is what it means to be a dad. 146 00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:19,717 Yes, that's very touching. 147 00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,819 But maybe you should do something 148 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:23,954 that Adam likes for a change. 149 00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:28,959 But he likes space ships and dragons and video games. 150 00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:33,064 Did you know that the Mario brothers aren't even real? 151 00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:33,664 For three years, 152 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:36,233 I thought they were the boys who lived across the street. 153 00:05:36,235 --> 00:05:36,834 Just give it a shot. 154 00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:41,038 I think you'll see that kid is into some pretty cool stuff. 155 00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:43,841 (Breathing heavily) 156 00:05:45,677 --> 00:05:47,478 Hey, dad, check it out. 157 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,146 Doesn't it look like I'm in zero gravity? 158 00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:52,416 Yeah. So, this is what you do, huh? 159 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,118 Making a Sci-Fi movie. 160 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,086 Yeah, space stuff. 161 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:58,823 You ever do any westerns or gritty cop dramas? 162 00:05:58,825 --> 00:05:59,924 No, not my genres. 163 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:02,193 Although, technically, Star Wars was a Western, 164 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,395 and Robocop was incredibly dark. 165 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,063 So just space stuff. 166 00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,365 - Well, you need a hand? - Really? 167 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,836 Yeah, sure. I'll, um, hold the camera or something. 168 00:06:12,070 --> 00:06:13,604 Do you want to act in it? 169 00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:15,239 Do I? 170 00:06:15,474 --> 00:06:16,073 Awesome! 171 00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:18,609 Lie down on the bed, and whatever happens, don't move. 172 00:06:18,611 --> 00:06:19,977 Lie down and don't move. 173 00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:23,781 What do you know, I've been an actor my whole life. 174 00:06:24,315 --> 00:06:24,815 Okay. 175 00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:27,385 In a nutshell, you're Caine, a space miner 176 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,287 who has an alien egg gestating in your belly. 177 00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:31,389 I'm who with the what? 178 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:32,723 Get ready to freak out. 179 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:33,791 Why would I freak out? 180 00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,926 (Squirts) What are you doing? 181 00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:36,927 Why would you do that? 182 00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:37,828 Stop! (Adam growling) 183 00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,830 What is that? Get it out! Stop! 184 00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:40,998 Stop talking. You're dead. 185 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,268 You ruined my one good shirt! You're dead! 186 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:44,735 Ah! 187 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,471 Dad, I told you there was an alien egg in your stomach. 188 00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,706 What do you think that means? 189 00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:50,841 You know what? Let's go back to hockey. 190 00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:51,575 That, I understand. 191 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:54,645 Adult Adam: While my dad's attempt at bonding was an utter failure, 192 00:06:54,647 --> 00:06:58,682 my mom was pushing Erica to the next level. 193 00:06:59,751 --> 00:07:00,618 How did I do already? 194 00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,887 Okay, just know that this is a practice test 195 00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:04,422 and we still have a lot of work to do. 196 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,024 Son of a bitch. That bad? 197 00:07:07,026 --> 00:07:08,793 - 1,280. - What? 198 00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:11,028 You better come over here and hug your mama 199 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,097 before I punch you in the face. 200 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:13,798 Oh, my God! 201 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,367 I thought you were just talking like a crazy person 202 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,601 like you do every other second of the day. 203 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:22,039 But you actually helped me boost my score by like 100 points! 204 00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:22,773 You're damn right I did. 205 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,508 And that's good enough to get you into Penn. 206 00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,377 Forget Penn. That's good enough for Stanford. 207 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:29,580 Wait, what? Yeah, I need a 1,300 to get in. 208 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,415 Only 20 more points to go! 209 00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:33,451 Stanford is in California. 210 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,286 I know. It's so far away. 211 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:40,424 You are not going to school 20,000 miles away from me... 212 00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:42,126 Us. The family. 213 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:42,960 You seriously won't let me go 214 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,830 to one of the best colleges in the country? 215 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:46,964 I... (Gags) 216 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:47,965 What the hell was that? 217 00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,467 I... (Gags, chokes) 218 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,168 - Stop. - I... 219 00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,636 (Gags) Stop doing that. 220 00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,805 What are you doing? (Chokes) 221 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:55,840 I'm sorry. I can't help it. 222 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:58,342 It... Stanford's just so far away. I... 223 00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:01,946 I wouldn't be able to just pop in on the weekends, and... 224 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:04,381 ...and hang out with you and your girlfriends 225 00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:07,117 and try on clothes and then have you 226 00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:08,285 take me to the local college pubs, 227 00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:15,626 where you introduce me as your older sister, Barbie, to the cute TA's? 228 00:08:16,695 --> 00:08:18,829 - That's your plan? - One of them, yeah. 229 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:23,334 Well, thank God I learned how to kick ass on this test. 230 00:08:23,935 --> 00:08:25,736 Thank God. 231 00:08:25,837 --> 00:08:28,239 What have I done? 232 00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:30,040 (Chokes) 233 00:08:32,077 --> 00:08:33,410 Well look who it is. 234 00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:36,680 Try not to score on your own goal, lame Gretzky. 235 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,082 Maybe, instead of being a total putz, 236 00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:39,483 you could actually help me? 237 00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,452 You want my help? Quit. 238 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:42,620 Quitting isn't an option. 239 00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:44,722 You know how much it matters to dad. 240 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,257 I don't want to let him down. 241 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:49,159 If I cared at all, that would make me sad. 242 00:08:49,161 --> 00:08:50,661 Maybe you could teach me something, 243 00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:52,663 so then, when I look in the stands, 244 00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,131 dad's not hiding his face in shame. 245 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,000 What I got can't be taught. 246 00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:59,003 It's called natural talent. 247 00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:00,437 See, I'm the type of player 248 00:09:00,439 --> 00:09:02,439 who controls the flow of the game. 249 00:09:02,441 --> 00:09:04,208 You, on the other hand, are a turd on ice. 250 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,044 I know! But there's got to be something I can do. 251 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,412 I guess you could always be a goon. 252 00:09:08,414 --> 00:09:11,081 A goon? Like in the Goonies? 253 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:14,184 A goon! An enforcer. 254 00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:16,387 They protect the awesome players like me 255 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,322 using violence and dirty play. 256 00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:19,590 As long as they can kick butt, 257 00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,393 a goon doesn't need to shoot or score. 258 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,528 Teach me. I am yours to mold. 259 00:09:24,530 --> 00:09:25,829 Please. Teach me how to be a goonie. 260 00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:29,433 Goon! Can we just say goonie if it helps me get there? 261 00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:32,336 Adult Adam: That meant yes, Barry would help me. 262 00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:35,773 All I had to do now was learn how to fight. 263 00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:39,476 Realizing a good test score meant losing her daughter, 264 00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:42,279 my mom changed her tutoring tactics. 265 00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:44,415 Hey, study buddy. 266 00:09:44,442 --> 00:09:45,082 What's all this? 267 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,951 I just wanted some coffee so I could stay up and study. 268 00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:49,820 Well, you're in luck, because nothing keeps your energy up 269 00:09:49,822 --> 00:09:52,256 like warm milk and a big pile of turkey. 270 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,757 Don't those things put you to sleep? 271 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,659 No, no. The opposite is true. 272 00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,728 I read that in a magazine I threw away. 273 00:09:57,730 --> 00:10:00,464 Well, you got me this far. I trust you. 274 00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:01,498 Oh, you're sweet. 275 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:02,900 Oh, listen, I was thinking, 276 00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:05,269 as a reward for all your hard work, 277 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,704 you might want to let off some steam 278 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:10,240 and go to see Rick Springfield on Friday night. 279 00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:13,377 But that's the night before the test. 280 00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:14,878 Whoa. 281 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:17,514 Okay. Your loss, egghead. 282 00:10:17,516 --> 00:10:19,583 Well, I should probably get back to work. 283 00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,986 Oh, about that, um, I made up 284 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,888 some new vocab cards for you to memorize. 285 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:26,323 This should get you the extra points 286 00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:28,392 you need to get into Stanford. 287 00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:29,927 Oh, thanks, mom. 288 00:10:29,929 --> 00:10:31,996 (Reading) "Scubulence, noun... 289 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:36,000 "The process of removing scuba equipment from a boat?" 290 00:10:36,002 --> 00:10:37,735 (Chuckles) Weird word. 291 00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:40,170 Yeah, weird and real. Just like... 292 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:42,906 (Reading) "Flimjam, verb... 293 00:10:42,908 --> 00:10:46,176 "To run backwards in a zig-zag pattern." 294 00:10:46,178 --> 00:10:46,910 Got it. 295 00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:48,379 Well, that makes me feel very... 296 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,381 (Reading) "Torkulent, adjective... 297 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:52,316 "Delighted and a little scared." 298 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,452 Well, let me just flimjam out of here. 299 00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:59,123 And, uh, good luck with your studying. 300 00:11:00,592 --> 00:11:06,930 "Fidangle, verb... To finish dangling." 301 00:11:07,432 --> 00:11:09,066 What the hell? 302 00:11:15,106 --> 00:11:17,107 She wouldn't. 303 00:11:19,544 --> 00:11:20,044 She would. 304 00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:22,713 Adult Adam: While my mom was trying to hurt Erica's chances on the SAT, 305 00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,749 Barry was teaching me how to hurt people on the ice. 306 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,885 Okay, ad-rock, listen up. 307 00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:29,753 There are a few crucial things you need to learn 308 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:31,555 in order to be an enforcer. 309 00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:32,890 I'm ready for this. Teach me. 310 00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:34,058 We'll start with the basics. 311 00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:36,994 Lesson one... this is your stick. 312 00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:39,296 People like me use it to score. 313 00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:41,832 People like you use it as a weapon. 314 00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:42,433 Cool. Like a sword. 315 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:45,669 I can use the moves I learned in my stage-combat class. 316 00:11:46,370 --> 00:11:46,870 Ow! 317 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:48,772 Lesson two... every time you say something like that, 318 00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:51,275 you get a nerd punch in the meaty part of your arm. 319 00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,877 Smart. The pain will motivate me. 320 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,446 Nerd punch! 321 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:55,979 Ow! 322 00:11:55,981 --> 00:11:59,249 Lesson three... your stick is to never touch the ice. 323 00:11:59,251 --> 00:12:04,054 It's used for slashing, hooking, butt-ending, and spearing. 324 00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:06,724 - Any questions? - Aren't all those penalties? 325 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,425 - Nerd punch! - Aah! 326 00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:09,426 Lesson four... fighting. 327 00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:11,862 But I didn't learn lessons one through three yet. 328 00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:14,064 Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. 329 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,099 - I didn't. - Or did you? 330 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:16,934 - I didn't! - Nerd punch! 331 00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:19,303 Now, the trick to a hockey fight is the first person 332 00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:21,905 who sheds their gloves strikes first. 333 00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:24,074 Go! Again! 334 00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,809 Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry. 335 00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:26,744 Again! 336 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,212 Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick! 337 00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:31,014 You're gonna lose to a kid with looser gloves. 338 00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,016 - Again! - I think I got it now. 339 00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:35,819 You got it when I say you got it. 340 00:12:36,054 --> 00:12:36,754 Which is now. 341 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:40,524 Lesson five, and the most important lesson of them all... 342 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:41,258 when you're in a fight, 343 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,527 you grab the bottom of your opponent's jersey 344 00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:46,163 and yank it over his head, like so. 345 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,532 Adam: Stop it! I can't see! 346 00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:51,101 Good. You're learning. 347 00:12:53,738 --> 00:12:55,038 Lesson six... 348 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,174 watch out for elbows. 349 00:12:57,642 --> 00:12:59,076 Adam: Ah! 350 00:12:59,410 --> 00:13:00,844 There's my little genius. 351 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,280 You all geared up for the big test tomorrow? 352 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,615 All thanks to your help. 353 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,083 You know, I thought a lot about what you said, 354 00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:09,686 and I decided that Penn is a great choice for me. 355 00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:10,854 Oh, it's happening. 356 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,656 - We're going to Penn! - I know! 357 00:13:12,658 --> 00:13:15,225 I'm so excited that I decided to get a head start 358 00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:17,594 on my essay for their application. 359 00:13:17,596 --> 00:13:19,196 Here it is. 360 00:13:19,697 --> 00:13:20,864 (Reading) "I believe... 361 00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:23,300 "That the University of Pennsylvania 362 00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,401 "is the right school for me 363 00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:30,874 "because of its torkulent history and diligord reputation." 364 00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,076 - Oh, boy. - Don't stop. Keep going. 365 00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,278 Ah, I'd rather not. 366 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,880 Okay, pops, would you mind? 367 00:13:38,397 --> 00:13:39,917 (Pops reading) "I feel that I could... 368 00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:42,753 "Really benefit from being part of its... 369 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:47,391 "Cromtormulous student body "and weepeggle faculty." 370 00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:50,093 Weepeggle? What the (Bleep) 371 00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:51,395 Keep reading. 372 00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:55,532 "I would be bumgubbled to quarp a university 373 00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,334 "that is so vernaciously proggle 374 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:02,806 "that even the most zeticent student could gobulate." 375 00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:03,340 Gobulate? 376 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,709 Honest question... when you wrote this, 377 00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:07,144 were you smoking a jazz cigarette? 378 00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,812 Oh, it's much worse than that. 379 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:11,348 I have a mother that taught me fake vocab words 380 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:14,351 to screw me out of the college I want to go to. 381 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,854 What? That's crazy. 382 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,523 That is crazy, right? 383 00:14:20,091 --> 00:14:21,225 I can explain. 384 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:21,992 Oh, no. 385 00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:25,429 What kind of mother sabotages her daughter? 386 00:14:25,431 --> 00:14:26,430 Who does that? 387 00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:28,165 Just go to Penn. 388 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:29,333 It's only 20 minutes away. 389 00:14:29,335 --> 00:14:31,134 I can cook for you and do your laundry 390 00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:34,204 and clean your room because it's only 20 minutes away, 391 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:36,607 so you should live here and commute. 392 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:37,908 Oh, well, I've got news for you. 393 00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,843 California ain't far enough away. 394 00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:41,745 I'm going to Japan university. 395 00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:44,348 That's right. Good luck popping in on me there. 396 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:45,816 Do you really think that'll stop me? 397 00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,451 I'll fly halfway around the planet 398 00:14:47,453 --> 00:14:48,719 just to see you every weekend if I have to. 399 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,689 Fine! Then I'll just colonize the moon and go to college there! 400 00:14:52,691 --> 00:14:54,224 Then I'll get on a rocket every weekend 401 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,726 just so I can give you a hug. 402 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,661 - You can't do that! - Oh, I can. 403 00:14:57,663 --> 00:15:00,230 And I will bring you Tang and I'll iron your space suit 404 00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,866 and I'll take your alien roommates to Bennigan's! 405 00:15:02,868 --> 00:15:05,569 I hate that you love me so much! 406 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:09,373 Adult Adam: While my mom and Erica had taken the gloves off, 407 00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:12,376 I was about to do the same. 408 00:15:19,317 --> 00:15:21,184 (Yells) 409 00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:30,994 Nooo! 410 00:15:32,597 --> 00:15:34,331 This wasn't the plan! 411 00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:35,065 Fight back, Adam! 412 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,567 Use your stick, just like I taught you! 413 00:15:37,569 --> 00:15:38,602 You taught him what? 414 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,538 Nothing. I taught him nothing. 415 00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:43,473 No, no, stop! I'm the enforcer. 416 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,709 You can't enforce the enforcer. 417 00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:46,610 Ball up! 418 00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,178 Curl into a ball! 419 00:15:48,180 --> 00:15:50,280 Dear God, no! 420 00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:52,516 (Buzzer sounds) 421 00:15:54,419 --> 00:15:58,255 Adam! Get back here. We need to talk. 422 00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,390 No. Just leave me alone. 423 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:02,326 This is your fault, you moron. 424 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:03,160 I'm a moron? 425 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:05,195 Adam's the one who got suspended for fighting. 426 00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:07,064 Yeah, you're the one who taught him how to fight! 427 00:16:07,066 --> 00:16:08,231 I was trying to help him. 428 00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:10,233 All he wanted to do was impress you. 429 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,402 How's it supposed to impress me 430 00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:13,804 to have him dragged by the face 431 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,839 and turned into a human hockey puck? 432 00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:17,307 I don't know. You won't let him quit, 433 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:18,909 so what else is he supposed to do? 434 00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,044 Do you know why I won't let him quit? 435 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,246 You and I have a ton in common. 436 00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:26,650 We talk about sports, food, cars. 437 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,251 But Adam... this is all we've got, 438 00:16:28,253 --> 00:16:31,755 and if you take hockey away, there's a good chance 439 00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:35,158 that Adam and I might never speak again. 440 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,527 I see what you're saying. 441 00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:38,462 I'm your favorite son. 442 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:39,730 - Didn't say that. - I get it. 443 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,098 - No, you don't. - You love me more. 444 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:42,366 - You're an idiot. - You can say it all you want. 445 00:16:42,368 --> 00:16:45,635 - You're an idiot. - But we all know how you really feel. 446 00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,037 - You're an idiot. - I get it. 447 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:48,538 - Just stop. - Okay. 448 00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:52,509 Listen, I know Adam's hobbies are weird to us. 449 00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:53,343 No. Weird to everyone. 450 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,781 But the kid tried for five years to do your thing. 451 00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,282 Maybe now it's time to try his thing 452 00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:00,617 for more than five minutes. 453 00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:01,918 That's pretty smart, Barry. 454 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,821 Of course! I'm your favorite. 455 00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:06,623 And back to stupid. 456 00:17:09,427 --> 00:17:12,462 Poopie, can Mama come in? 457 00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:14,731 Let me guess. 458 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:16,266 You're here with "directions" 459 00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,201 to the new test center that doesn't exist? 460 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:21,738 I'm here to apologize. What I did was wrong. 461 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:23,140 You know, you always say you want 462 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:24,107 what's best for your children, 463 00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:26,443 but, really, you just want what's best for you. 464 00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,779 Okay, I was selfish. 465 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,781 But... I just love you so much. 466 00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:31,948 I never want to let you go. 467 00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:36,253 And you think that that's supposed to make what you did any better? 468 00:17:36,754 --> 00:17:37,854 Look... 469 00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:40,524 I know you're gonna go off to college one day, 470 00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:44,494 but the reality of you moving all the way across the country 471 00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:48,298 and starting a whole new life, that freaked me out. 472 00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,433 But I know this isn't about me, 473 00:17:49,435 --> 00:17:53,003 so if Stanford is what you want, then, damn it, 474 00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,105 we are gonna get you into Stanford. 475 00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:56,573 - Do you mean that? - I don't. 476 00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:59,176 - Understood. - But I'll work on it. 477 00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:02,345 And maybe in a year or so... 478 00:18:02,347 --> 00:18:03,880 I will. 479 00:18:07,585 --> 00:18:11,221 You know, um... I never finished college, 480 00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:12,756 so I could always apply. 481 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:15,358 Don't ruin the hug. Okay. 482 00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:19,429 Hey. How you doing? 483 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,364 Well, I discovered the only thing worse 484 00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:22,399 than scoring on your own goal 485 00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:24,668 is getting scored into your own goal. 486 00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:27,838 Look, I know you're not enjoying hockey, 487 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,408 and I'm not enjoying you not enjoying hockey, 488 00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:32,242 so I thought, "there has to be 489 00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:33,910 "something else we can do together." 490 00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:35,378 Please don't make me play football. 491 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,914 No, no, no. No sports. Done with sports. 492 00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:40,584 So, I went to the store, and I got you... 493 00:18:40,586 --> 00:18:42,419 A family-size bottle of ketchup... 494 00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:47,090 And a three pack of t-shirts for you to ruin, 495 00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:50,694 in case you want to give that alien movie thing another try. 496 00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:53,797 - You mean it? - Yeah. Why not? 497 00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:58,401 Well, if we do this, we do it right. 498 00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:02,506 ♪ I never took the smile away from anybody's face 499 00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:05,709 ♪ and that's a desperate way to look for someone 500 00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:08,912 ♪ who is still a child 501 00:19:08,914 --> 00:19:10,914 ♪ in a big country 502 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:12,549 (groaning) 503 00:19:14,452 --> 00:19:16,052 (Screaming) 504 00:19:16,054 --> 00:19:18,522 Oh! Oh, my God! 505 00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:21,158 Call the robot president! 506 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:21,758 (Chomping) 507 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,294 Adult Adam: My dad learned that, while I was nothing like him, 508 00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:26,630 he could meet me halfway, and even though 509 00:19:26,632 --> 00:19:30,233 I didn't play hockey anymore, he still had Barry... 510 00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:31,234 Barry: Goal! (Whistle blows) 511 00:19:31,236 --> 00:19:34,938 Oh, yeah! All, man! Whoo! 512 00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:38,008 ...which was a mixed bag. 513 00:19:38,442 --> 00:19:41,444 Put it in, scorekeeper. Put it in. 514 00:19:41,446 --> 00:19:44,681 As for Erica, she was feeling quite torkulent 515 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,383 as she sat down to take the SAT. 516 00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:49,753 Nothing would stop her, not even fireworks. 517 00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,888 Woman: And begin... 518 00:19:59,830 --> 00:20:01,731 Mail just came. 519 00:20:04,669 --> 00:20:05,735 Oh, my God! 520 00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:07,170 I knew you could do it. 521 00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:10,207 I may actually go to California. 522 00:20:11,876 --> 00:20:13,443 I'll follow you to the moon, baby. 523 00:20:13,445 --> 00:20:16,046 ♪ In a big country, dreams stay with you 524 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:19,216 adult Adam: In the end, my parents realized all they could do 525 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:24,187 was let us be who we wanted to be and just enjoy the ride. 526 00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:27,157 ♪ Stay alive 527 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,627 and we're rolling. 528 00:20:30,629 --> 00:20:32,062 Alien dad. The sequel. 529 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,530 Okay, here's the backstory. 530 00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:35,599 You're a space miner about to explore 531 00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:37,267 an alien vessel all by yourself. 532 00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:40,337 By myself? An alien vessel? No, no, no, no. 533 00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:42,606 - Let's just send in a dog or something. - A dog? 534 00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,874 We'll give it a flashlight. Strap a camera on its back. 535 00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:47,510 You're on a solo mission. There is no dog. 536 00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:50,447 Only a moron would go on a ship by himself. 537 00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:53,516 Well, you're going in there, so I guess you're a moron. 538 00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:54,651 How are things going in here? 539 00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:56,586 He's refusing to go on the alien ship. 540 00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:59,389 Murray, just go in the damn ship. 541 00:20:59,391 --> 00:21:01,625 Fine! I will go in the damn ship. 542 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:03,994 Good, 'cause now an alien attacks your face 543 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,528 and implants an egg inside your belly. 544 00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:08,999 Well, that's exactly the reason I didn't want to go in. 545 00:21:12,870 --> 00:21:14,671 (Bell dings) 546 00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:18,275 (Bell dings) 547 00:21:20,978 --> 00:21:22,846 (Bell dings)