Good morning, Christine.
- Steve, where's Emory? - I'll be right in. Go ahead.
Come on!
Great! Oh, very good! Come on, let's go!
Come on! Go! If you'd just go, there wouldn't be traffic!
If everybody moved this much, we'd be in the city by now!
- Come on, let's move! - What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me? You're in front of me.
That's what's the matter with me, you bloody idiot.
Get off the phone! Put your window up, too. Thank you.
Let's go, for God's sake!
With snack foods, you have to drill, drill, drill that target audience
until they're consuming your product because they can't escape it.
Did you check with Research on that Nabisco cracker?
- Yes. - Positioned and ready to go.
Where's your partner? Haven't seen that little Englishman in a week.
- We're a tad behind, sir. - I want everything tomorrow.
I think you know how seriously I mean that.
Mr Bachman! Mr Bachman...
Steve, I need your signature...
- You! - Mr Bachman...
You're in deep shit.
Excuse me.
You don't have a thing, do you? What is going on here?
- Writer's block? - No, Emory.
That happens to authors after 80 or 100 years
of writing complicated novels.
You write slogans that go next to pictures in magazines.
- Nobody runs out of those. - It's more complicated than that.
Ads may be a more vital stimulus than we realise.
Can I see the Chrysler proofs?
How much can you say about a Chrysler and still be honest?
Nobody cares about Lee lacocca.
He's like an annoying relative who keeps coming over to eat.
- He runs the company! - I don't even like Chryslers.
They're not sporty. The people who drive them don't look normal.
Let's face it, Steve. You and I lie for a living.
It's not easy for me to digest that any more.
Excuse me.
Do you want to tell me anything?
I mean, is everything OK with Cheri?
OK-er than ever. For crying out loud...
You're my partner and you have a responsibility to me.
We're in a critical spot and I need to know if you're having a problem.
I love my work. I have to position the products right in my mind.
Hook, I need the right hook, that's all.
We need Chrysler, Volvo, Jaguar, AT&T,
that Greek tourist bureau and United Airlines. You have 24 hours.
- Great. - I'm trusting you.
I love trust. Trust is a beautiful thing.
- Where are you going? - I'm going to meander down this way.
It's 127 flights.
Yes!
Talk to me tomorrow.
I'll handle whatever their concerns are.
I'm trying. I haven't moved in ten minutes.
He told me they were unloading all those issues.
- Gotta go. I'm almost home. - Excuse me.
Hey, man, I'm on the phone. What the...? Son of a bitch!
People who use car phones annoy other drivers.
Great news. I am over that block. The problem was psychological.
Sir, I literally wouldn't wait another second.
You were supposed to show me before the meeting. These better be great.
Is this some fucking joke?
"Buy Volvos. They're boxy but they're good. We know they're not sexy.
"This is not a smart time to be sexy anyway with so many diseases around.
- "Be safe instead of sexy." - Right.
"Volvo. Boxy, but good." Are you out of your fucking mind?
I thought this would appeal to a no-nonsense consumer.
Who ever heard of advertising that a car is boxy? Who?
They are boxy. An intelligent buyer knows that.
Let's not fool the public any more. Let's not lie, Steve.
Let's level with America.
We can't level, you crazy bastard. We're in advertising.
This mouthwash kills germs. This dish-washing liquid softens hands.
Do you know anyone who soaks their hands in dish soap?
If your mother soaked her hands in dish soap, you'd call an ambulance.
This is lovely. Truth in travel?
"Forget France. The French can be annoying.
"Come to Greece. We're nicer."
The French pride themselves on being annoying.
In Paris, they have contests. They're eligible for huge prizes.
"Quaker Oats. Does this cereal taste great?
"Who knows? But the box is cute."
- Right. - The box is cute?
- The box is cute. - This is truly nuts.
"Jaguar. Sleek and smart.
"For men who'd like hand jobs from beautiful women they hardly know."
That's what all of these ads mean. Men buy these cars because of it.
Why don't we just say,
"We know what you want. Here it is. This is for that!"?
- This is getting scary. - This is what?
Let's go for a walk. I'm taking you home.
- What happened? - With what?
- Where is Cheri? - Cheri?
Cheri went to the cleaners.
She took the drapes, the appliances, the rugs?
- She took all her belongings? - Yes, she's very insecure.
Call this woman tomorrow morning. Her name is Dr Baylor.
She's at Bennington Hospital.
Remember Jerry Kleiner in Marketing, pissing down elevator shafts?
Yeah, what a great day that was!
We sent him there. In three weeks, he was back to normal.
- Call her in the morning. - This is paper, right?
- You hear what I'm saying? Call her. - I'll call her.
I'll use the phone. They're great for that sort of thing.
We can market a product before you've produced it.
Say you want to do a market analysis for electronic items...
- You've got to see these. - You should not be here.
- You are in a must-see situation. - No, the ads are all taken care of.
United Airlines, a whole new way to go. Sit down.
"Your fear of flying may be valid.
"There are plenty of plane crashes and people die like crazy.
"But more people arrive alive on our flights than on many others.
"If you have to fly, fly us.
"United. Most of our passengers get there alive."
- Mr Leeson? - Yes.
Hi, I'm Dr Baylor.
Our administrator, Dr Koch, is at a conference,
but your medical files arrived this morning.
- What brings you here? - The Pontiac brings me here.
- I can't afford this. - The company will pay.
Why don't we jump right in?
- Jump into what? - I don't know.
Normally, we start a new patient on a ten-day observation period.
Then, with the consent of a relative or conservator,
we make recommendations regarding additional treatment.
There are details to take care of. You will need to sign some papers.
I will gladly sign, but I'm late. I have to make a phone call.
- Hello, I'm William Holden. - Take me away. I'll buy you dinner.
- I'll buy you a restaurant. - I have to go.
You did a lot of silent farting in the car. You're not perfect either!
You're putting me in here because I'm short.
Your employer is putting you in here.
If you leave early, you're not going to have an employer.
I am an executive. I shouldn't be here.
We have quite a few executives here. Come on.
I'll see that you're placed with people you're comfortable with.
Let's go see your room.
Better not be any singles' functions.
I'm 100 miles away. What am I supposed to do?
Bauman won't accept anything without written authorisation.
I am admitting someone to a mental institution.
- Absolutely. - So I can't be there right now.
These can't be late.
Take the proofs off my desk and take them to Distribution.
- Tell Bauman you have my verbal OK. - OK.
- Go! - Yes, sir. Bye-bye.
I went to school for this, OK?
People have questions about advertising, they ask you.
People have questions about this, they ask me.
- I do have questions... - No, this is a closet.
Just relax, settle in, make yourself comfortable in here.
There's a support session in the day room in half an hour.
That's group therapy. I know this is a mental institution.
I see people walking around in blue slippers.
My problems will not be solved
by hanging around with people who talk to themselves
and gallivant around in little blue hospital slippers. OK?
Day room, half an hour. Try and relax.
God! Great! Great!
First a mental institution. Now rain.
Hi. I'm Kathy.
I'm a patient here too.
Do you want to go to a support session?
Yeah. Yeah, but I'll need slippers.
Blue. I like blue.
Saab changed from electronic fuel injection to continuous injection,
which required 28 pounds of fuel pressure to start the car.
Let's discuss the fuel injection system of the 900 series,
as compared with the '73 Saab 96 LS.
He's a lunatic. We call him Saabs.
That's all he'll talk about. Saabs, old models, 1971, 1988.
Mort wants to be a comedy writer and move to Hollywood.
- There's coffee. - I got a real killer for you.
- There was a Jew and a gorilla... - The lane shift separates...
- The gorilla says, "Fine!" - I'm Manuel Robles.
- Oh. - I'm Latino and I enjoy it.
- Emory Leeson. - Incidentally, I'm macho.
- Incidentally, you're crazy. - Also true!
I have two completely different-sized feet.
These things take so long to get going!
Emory!
Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
Hello, hello, hello.
- I'm lost. I'm totally lost. - George only says hello.
It's the only word he has affection for. Hello.
Hello.
Hi, new person. I'm Judge.
- I'm Emory. - I know.
Have you any connections in the ballet world? I love the ballet.
I love the little shoes they wear. I can't help myself any more.
He loves the ballet. The man's obsessed.
- Good afternoon, everyone. - Hello.
- How are you today, Dr Baylor? - Good afternoon, Dr Baylor.
- Kath, Bruce. - Hi.
Today we're going to talk about feelings.
Feelings that we feel versus feelings that we don't.
We have someone new. Emory Leeson. How do you feel about that?
- Give me an example of a feeling. - Scallops.
- Eskimo pie? - Hello.
I feel... sad for Emory.
I know underneath he feels bad about being here.
Emory, why do you think you're here?
Well, I realised I was lying all the time.
Lying in my work, lying in my relationships,
lying to myself.
What can we do for Emory to make him feel better?
We can let him know that we care, that we're his friends.
Shit! She knew that from before!
Bruce, it's not a contest.
It's an opportunity to show someone that we care.
How do we show someone we care?
...compared with those of the '73 Saab.
I know one way.
I'm quite visibly moved. I want to get a hug, too.
Me, too.
- Lori? - Yeah?
- Why are my ads still here? - I thought Olander took them up.
They were right here on your desk.
You don't seem like the other people. Why are you here?
Well, I have fears of being in closed places.
I also have a fear of open places.
Actually, I have a fear of everything.
- Of course. - Come on.
Come on, I need information.
Then she just left, suddenly. She took everything.
And I mean everything!
- The citrus juicer, maps. - That's terrible.
Oh, God!
By the way, I have a fear of woods.
It doesn't sound like she liked you very much.
Well, no, she...
She just had trouble showing it.
She's pretty. It's always the pretty ones.
They have trouble with packages, with their car, with shoes.
They have trouble showing their love.
Pretty girls are breaking everybody's back.
You're pretty, really pretty.
I don't have the problems associated with prettiness.
When I was a child, I looked like Ed McMahon.
Keep walking. There's a special place I want you to see.
I've always felt that trees are in some way displeased with me.
With some people, living with them is hard, leaving them is hard.
My brother had a girl like that. She ruined his life.
I told her I loved her. She said I didn't love intelligently.
What does that mean? How could you have stayed with this princess?
I never felt I could get in with the really appealing people.
Oh, everybody thinks that!
- Girls used to ostracise me. - That happens to everyone.
These girls would call me over, chew liquorice,
smile and spit the juice at me.
A lot of people... Well, not exactly a lot of people...
Yeah, that's bad, because it stains.
Cheri was the best-Iooking girlfriend I ever had.
- We were supposed to get married. - I'm changing the subject now.
Great. It's great.
You're the first person I've shared this place with.
It's lovely. Absolutely wonderful.
Forget the girl.
She's already draining me and I didn't even meet her.
I can feel how hard your life has been.
- I really hope you get help here. - Well, I'm hoping that...
How can we be getting so romantic so fast
without any courtship or anything?
- I'm nuts. - Oh.
Good serve.
Hello.
- Judge. - I've got it.
- Hello. - I got it.
I got it, I got it.
- Come on, hit it where he ain't! - I got it!
- Coming up!
- They know they don't have a ball? - Of course.
Yo, Em!
Come on, come on.
Emory, come on, man. Hey, new meat.
Hello.
OK.
I got it, I got it, I got it!
- I got it, I got it! - Nice, nice.
"Metamucil. It helps you go to the toilet.
"If you don't use it, you'll get cancer and die."
"Paramount Pictures presents The Freak.
"This movie won't just scare you, it will fuck you up for life."
I want to know how the fuck the word "fuck" gets in the New York Times.
"Stop pretending. If you look like this, you're fat.
"In fact, you're a fat slob. Admit it. Do something about it."
"Want to stop sweating on cool days?
"Get to a phone. Call Vita Flex now. We'll send you a free plant."
A free plant for fat slobs?
You are so fired, it is unbelievable.
IF YOU LOOK LIKE THIS, YOU'RE FAT.
Hello. I'm fat. Do you have any ficus trees?
- We have to admit that? - You have to, to get the plant.
Hello?
We're fat. We're tired of sweating on cool days.
I knew we were fat. We're not slobs. Hello?
- Ask about the plant. - About the plant...
Vita Flex Diet Systems. Your order?
You don't have to admit that you're ugly.
I don't know about the plant, sir.
IT HELPS YOU GO TO THE TOILET.
IF YOU DON'T USE IT, YOU'LL GET CANCER AND DIE.
There you go, sir.
Sorry, folks, I haven't any more.
There's a run on Metamucil. I don't know where they have any.
That's it. You might try Puerto Rico. Sorry!
It has resulted in a run on products, from luxury cars to bulk softeners.
This no-nonsense approach appeals to a new consumer
who wants to be dealt with honestly.
We go live to Long Island where one no-nonsense ad
has brought movie audiences out in record numbers.
We are here at the Mineola Theatre where record numbers
have turned out for a movie called The Freak,
which has promised to, well, mess you up for life.
People are camping out to get a place in line
to experience this phenomenon.
Why are you willing to wait two days?
$20 for a movie?!
To be fucked up for life, that's what it costs!
This is Connie Vega-Margolis in Mineola.
Back to you, Earl.
Emory Leeson is an advertising genius.
- I want him back. - He's in the hospital, sir.
Buy him some flowers. If you want your job back, get him back.
OK, let's move our arms back. Good. Nice big circles.
And now forward.
Now twist to the right. Great.
- This is a very good thing. - Good twisting.
I was too aggressive with you the other day.
It was terrible. Very upsetting. Please adjust my eyebrows.
Oh, you eyebrow miracle worker!
You look great. You look a lot better than you did a week ago.
No, this could take years. I'm in very serious shape. I'm fucking nuts!
Maybe, but the crazy stuff you wrote got printed. Your ads are a huge hit.
This honesty is a terrific concept.
We don't know much about it. I want to get you out of here.
- No. - What do you mean?
- What? I need rest. - I'll get you rest.
I'll get you 24-hour care. Friendly women will come to your house.
I appreciate the kind and Christian offer, but no, thanks.
You didn't even want to come here!
The staff is friendly. Mental health is so important.
There's huge money at stake. Huge amounts!
Trucks will come to your house and drop piles of cash on your porch.
Money's good.
Emory, if you don't agree, Drucker's just going to cancel your insurance.
- You're blackmailing me. - Not just me. Other people are, too.
You have to do this. You have to leave here tomorrow.
I'm sorry, but, you know...
Emory!
Emory, look, dandelions.
Ask for something you know in your heart you really want.
- Yeah, Bruce? - A blow job in a Thunderbird.
- I have to leave the hospital. - What makes you say that?
They want me to take my job back. I don't want to go.
- Can we do something to help? - I would help.
Anything that would take me out of art therapy.
I don't know what anybody could do for me in this situation.
Then ask for what you want.
Maybe... I want help.
Nobody ever asked us for help before.
Well, I was an ad man, an ad writer.
Now my ads are successful.
They're not going to pay my insurance unless I start writing again.
We could write ads with you.
This session is taking on a Little Rascals feel.
- You could send them in and stay. - I don't think that would work.
It could. Who here wants to be an ad man?
- Who here wants to be a fire engine? - Me!
- I know we could do it. - Do? We'd have to do things?
- Negativo. - Forget it.
- Hello plus. - We can't do things.
We're maniacs. Ask around.
I'm telling you, we can do things.
We can do it together.
- Can we write an ad now? - Sure.
Wow! I'm fired up!
- How about a car ad? - Great.
I got one for Porsche.
"Hey, man. Buy a Porsche." Anything?
"Hey, man. Buy a Porsche." That is interesting.
- He said I was interesting. - I heard.
How about this? "Hello. Buy a Porsche."
Hey, I thought up "hello". That's mine.
- That was mine. - Yes, "hello" was George's.
- You guys really want to do this? - Yes!
Car ads need real punch, they need real sexiness.
OK, how about this?
"Porsche. It's a little too small to get laid in.
"But you get laid the minute you get out."
Is that enough fucking punch for you?
That's more like it.
Hey, come on. Let's sketch.
- What are you doing? - What?
- What are you doing? - What am I doing?
I'm dreaming. That's what I normally schedule for this hour.
Don't kid me. You were pining away for that princess.
Well, she was cute. Cuteness is very important to a relationship.
Let's go, pal. There's something I want to show you.
Fine.
I like that! Look at this, will you?
Oh, come on. You cannot have sex with a Saab.
It's abnormal. You could get hurt.
I'm not saying it's possible. It might be interesting.
We have to emphasise the product.
Correct, hello, but, hello, we have to hit it in a way, hello,
that makes the product memorable.
- Draw it your way. - Fine, hello. I'll do that.
I've never heard George say anything but hello, or seen them so excited.
- They're so alive now. - Do you mind? Hello. We're working.
Yes, we are in the country. I smell mountains.
They smell like Grape-Nuts. You have the sexiest hands I've ever seen.
- I do my own nails. - Your knuckles are breathtaking.
When we get out, let's go on a date. I'll take you for some Italian food.
I know a place where they learn your name after you've spent $10,000.
I don't like Italian food.
I don't think I can make a date.
You've been here a long time, haven't you?
There's nothing for me out there any more.
I had some bad experiences.
Very bad.
My parents died when I was young.
They split my brother Adam and I up. He was my best friend.
I got sad, so sad I couldn't do anything, practically.
But now I'm safe here.
That's why I came here.
What about your brother?
Adam's in the army now.
He's promised to come and get me when his tour of duty is up.
When he does, I'll leave. Till then, I stick around.
Will you stay?
Me? Well, I... I have a whole life to rebuild.
I can't forget about that.
Why not?
A mental institution?
It's the only way this could have been handled.
They're here.
- Here we are. - Hello.
- Hello.
Yeah, right.
Did somebody fart?
Or did this whole room just drive past an oil refinery?
This is very OK. This is the type of thing that goes on.
These people wouldn't kill a person?
Let's show them what we have. Lights, please.
Now, we want to be honest.
Cigarette companies have been romanticising smoking for years.
They put medical disclaimers on the package.
Why not stick it right into the advertising? Manuel?
If you're risking cancer, shouldn't your cigarette deliver real flavour?
Shouldn't something that might make you die taste great?
"Amalfi Super Thins.
"Pulmonary cancer? Perhaps. Flavour? For sure!"
- Viva Robles! - That was brilliant.
Thank you, Manuel. Thank you very much.
Kathy Burgess has some new ideas
for new directions in corporate advertising.
- I can't do it! - Come on, Kathy.
- I'm shy. - Albert Einstein was shy.
Marie Curie was shy and had bad skin and damaged hair.
You at least are beautiful and poetic.
That worked.
"You may think phone service stinks since deregulation,
"but we're all you got.
"If we fold, you'll have no damn phones.
- "AT&T..." - Kathy, move.
"We're tired of taking your crap."
Marvellous, Kathy!
How often have we seen a travel ad
with a suntan-oil lubricated girl in a bikini slipping into the ocean,
with a caption that reads, "Come to the Bahamas"?
What are we really saying?
- "Come in the Bahamas." - Yikes.
- Fuck. - Thank you, Bruce. Thank you.
This is insane.
That's what we're here for.
I know what the ad said!
The Bahamas makes no sexual guarantee of any kind.
I have no idea! We don't make those kind of arrangements.
Emory, come here. Listen to this.
- Sorry. - "Saab 9000 turbo.
"If you don't drive one, you should be placed in a State facility."
That's telling 'em, Saabs! Great!
Emory, come here. Look at this. OK, all right. You ready?
"We know you love him,
"but if he dies, we give you two Mercedes and a summer home.
"Wouldn't that be nice, too? John Hancock."
- Perfect! - Stephen Bachman.
Thanks. Hey, Steve. The supplies and staff you sent were perfect.
Ad two in the New York campaign. "There were fewer murders last year."
- That's great. - You like it?
That was Mort. Everybody's working up the storyboards for the commercials.
Let me tell them. He's going to try to get you covenants with guarantees.
- Great! What are those? - They're contracts for jobs.
That means we'll have jobs! That's great!
- Ask him about the ballet tickets. - Hold on.
There's a performance of Swan Lake on the 5th.
Hey, Steve, we have eight people here,
make that seven, who want to see the New York City Ballet on the 5th.
Can you help us?
- Great. OK. - What?
We'll have box seats at the ballet. He'll bring the tickets Thursday.
That's wonderful!
OK, keep it down. This is still a hospital.
- What's going on? - We're going to the ballet.
- Who is? - We all are.
- Kathy! - She must hate ballet.
Kathy!
- Dr Koch? - Get Dr Baylor in my office.
- Afternoon, sir. - Yes, sir.
- Kathy! - Leave me alone!
Why are you running from me?
I care about you, and you're going to leave!
- I'm not! - I know you're going to leave!
You were specific about your destination.
- We're going to a ballet. - That's where it starts.
We're coming back. They limit the time you spend there.
I can't go. I can't make any more changes until my brother comes.
Have you ever even heard from him?
- Of course. - Don't let's run.
You turned the hospital upside down to keep one patient?
You've got mental patients with secretaries?
It's working. For the first time, these people have something to do.
- Good. Alert the medical journals. - They're coming out of their shells.
George Cartelli has said nothing but hello since 1977. Now he talks!
- Something important has happened! - I administrate a hospital!
- That is no excuse. - All right, enough.
You're wasting your time.
Now, just wait a minute.
This is a building proposal.
The Drucker Company has agreed
to fund and construct a new wing with a medical library, here.
Take a look. They're very interested in naming this after you.
Nobody writes here, but Adam writes me two letters a week,
keeping me up on what's going on and when he's coming to get me.
That's devotion.
- If I leave, he won't find me. - Leave a forwarding address.
- The Post Office enjoys that stuff. - The Post Office sucks!
You've been there. Hold me.
I really need you now. This is no joke.
- Please hold me. - I am holding you.
It's a female thing. We say it a few times.
You're the first person I've ever let into my room. Tell me you'll wait.
Don't leave before me. You don't have to do it, but tell me you will.
I will.
Mom, Dad, commercials are on!
- You can't leave the accident scene! - Up yours, pal.
- I got a delivery to make. - Hey, did you see that?
We'll screw them to get your package there on time.
That was mine! That was mine!
That was not yours. I've worked my tail off on this account.
Drucker!
Charles F Drucker has single-handedly changed the face of advertising.
It's the product of years of personal research.
Total honesty in advertising
began as a vision I had as a young ad man in Milwaukee.
I don't believe that jerk!
- I like Larry King. - I mean Drucker. He took the credit.
Who needs credit? I need compact women.
- Where does all this go? - We haven't explored radio yet.
Yeah, right. I don't believe it! He's taken all the credit.
They don't give us any respect.
We're not working for respect, hello,
but for a sense of community, hello, how are you?
We have a purpose now, things to do.
Formerly, only boredom and mania were available to us.
They promised us the ballet.
- Do you know what they make off us? - Who cares?
We'll have to go back to art therapy.
This is wrong. What they are doing to you is wrong.
I hate art therapy. I hate art! I hate those little figurines!
I also hate vinyl. Am I off the point here?
You would not believe how far.
Hello, could Emory have a point? Hello? How's it hanging?
Those people are taking advantage of you. Something has to be done!
- Yes, yes, yes! - Folks...
We're shit. We're nobodies in the big parade.
We got lucky. Making noise at this point is just not worth it.
You're not shit, and you shouldn't let anyone treat you like you are.
- We've got too much to lose. - I don't want to lose any stuff.
Emory, please, don't rock the boat.
So, it is with great personal satisfaction
that Charles F Drucker & Associates presents you with a token
of overwhelming recognition.
Pens.
Somewhat fancy ballpoint pens.
What the fuck are we going to do with pens?
- I already have a pen. It's a Bic. - I have a question.
Why don't we save questions...?
- Shut the fuck up! - He decided to rock the boat.
Are you telling me that after all they've done you're giving them pens?
You sat in front of millions of people on TV and had the gall...!
It wouldn't have been appropriate
to attribute our success to a mental institution.
Why not? It's true, isn't it?
You've been lying so long, you don't even know the difference any more!
Emory's right. Black pens with gold trim don't spell "thank you" to me.
This was an experiment in psychiatry.
- Financial compensation was never... - This is not about money.
This is about generosity of spirit. They worked hard for you.
- Right! - Yeah!
Show you appreciate what they've done.
I want to know what you're going to give them.
- So do we! - What are we going to get?
- Yeah! - Notice. I'm giving you notice.
You're fired. Let's get out of here.
- Not smart. - I object!
What about my ballet tickets?
- Sir...? - What happened?
What happened?
Did that just happen? Hello?
What went down?
You did the right thing. Everyone appreciates it underneath.
- Way to go, shit box. - Brilliant, shit box.
- Back to art therapy, shit box. - Way underneath.
It can't be that difficult.
All we have to do is find the compelling truth in each product.
OK, how about this? "Try this shampoo, it's fantastic."
It's boring. Not true.
"It will do great things for your hair."
It doesn't do anything for hair. It robs hair of body. Shampoos do.
How about we say, "It robs your hair of body, but please use it anyway"?
Get the aspirin. Forget the shampoo.
Think aspirin.
"Four out of five pharmacists recommend it."
How do we know that? Every aspirin says something like that!
I want the honesty.
I thought we were just making it sound honest.
No, real honesty. I want us to be really honest.
- I'm lost. - I'm completely lost.
Honesty, the truth!
Like you would say to your mother.
How about, "Bayer Aspirin, we hope it's the best"?
Wrong, completely off. Goddammit!
Can't we just say something...?
Aris, say something honest.
No holds barred.
Go.
I like... small boys.
About the product, you fucking idiot.
Olander?
- Sir...? - No.
Sir, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
I can have something pretty honest for you by Tuesday.
Talk to me!
We're dead unless we give them something special.
We are dependent on a bunch of lunatics in a nut house?
I don't believe this.
We talked about clay and we talked about primary colours.
We talked about drawing
and how different people see different things in different ways.
Bruce!
- Hello. - Hello.
Hello. Hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hey, you guys. Hey! - Bruce!
Look!
No, these cars do not belong here. I cannot accept these.
They're paid for and unloaded. I got the worksheets here.
- I can take care of this. - You have taken care of enough.
- Let me just explain. - We own luxury cars!
I hope there's a Saab there. I currently don't see one.
- Get these cars out of here. - Leave those cars where they are.
This business agreement with Drucker had a therapeutic purpose.
The benefits were to be psychological, not financial.
- We did get pens. I love my pen. - What the hell's going on here?
- Everyone needs recognition. - These people are confined.
They can still have the cars. They've worked for them. They deserve them!
Jesus Christ, those cars are theirs.
Explain our position to these people.
I don't think I'd do a good job. I don't agree with it.
Guys, go get 'em!
Thanks, Dr Baylor.
You drive.
I've been saving this.
Hello, Mom. Guess where I'm calling from? Hello, how the hell are you?
I hope to God there's a Saab. I don't see one.
- My favourite is the '76 GLE. - They didn't start half the time!
They weren't supposed to start all the time.
I'm going to run some Caucasians down today.
All right!
- I don't drive. - You'd never know.
Hey, look out behind you!
Farewell, my darling!
All I wanted was a '76 GLE. It has a lousy blue book value of 900 bucks.
What would have been the big freaking deal?
With top-of-the-line German cars,
if you accidentally kill people, Germany pays!
That's good.
Get out of here! You're jaywalking!
Happy trails!
Watch out!
Stop the car, Kathy! Stop the car!
How do I stop it?
I feel stronger now.
Really? Strong enough to leave?
Maybe I can. Maybe I should think about leaving.
Oh, boy. I'd have to go slow.
I would have to rent an apartment or a condo. God, that scares me.
Condos scare millions of people every day.
I would have to leave a forwarding address with the Post Office.
The postal workers often talk slow and garbled.
- We can hire special interpreters. - I'd have to shop.
I'd have to go to the DMV.
I'd have to go over the rules again in general. Emory, I'm scared!
I'd want to know that you'd be there.
I'd be there. I'd be the man standing next to you.
You'd recognise me. I'd be the one who was smiling.
- They deliver the cars? - Yes, sir. It worked.
Now we're going to play hardball. I'm going to negotiate contracts.
Sir, I don't think they're capable.
Bullshit. They're motivated by greed.
We'll get each one to think they're special.
Output will increase, but so will our control.
They deserved pens, we gave them cars. Fuck them. Yes.
- Excuse me? - I said, "Fuck them."
Every ad agency would like a crack at what I'm about to do.
- Keep these people happy and intact. - What about Emory?
Leeson? Get rid of him.
Your other little leprechauns will take care of everything.
Hello, hello, hello
What a wonderful word
Hello
Hello, hello, hello
You can hear it wherever you go...
What are you doing in here?
Kathy feels ready to leave the hospital.
I'm calling her brother to make arrangements.
I don't think this is the best time for that, clinically.
Well, I do.
My medical opinion differs from yours.
Wait a minute!
This is not your medical opinion. This is your financial opinion.
If Kathy leaves, it might jeopardise your relationship with Drucker.
Leave this room.
She has worked hard at her recovery.
If we don't support her now, it could seriously set her back.
I will not let you interfere with this girl.
Sure you will. You're off her case.
In fact, you're off everybody's case. You just got fired, young lady.
Pack up your office, and do it quietly.
My phoning the authorities to remove you wouldn't look too good on your résumé.
We could have people for a barbecue.
We'd have baby back ribs.
We could invite Mort, Saabs and Mr Hsu.
But wait a minute.
Don't you think they'd feel bad if we leave them behind?
They really love you.
That's why they'd be happy for us, you know.
- OK. - They'll be thrilled!
- I've got some great news. - Talk to me in three weeks.
- Three weeks? - The word is you're running dry.
I may have a block. There never seems to be enough time.
I agreed to sign a contract with the Drucker firm.
I'll be unable to consult with your company.
George?
Use the familiar "hello" at the top of the letter, and at the bottom.
- Hey, Bruce. - I'm on the phone.
- I got something to tell you. - Fax it.
You're ready to leave. I can't wait. But you're not taking anyone.
- Kathy wants to leave. - She needs to be here. She knows it.
She can be released by appearing before a Patient's Review Board.
On my evaluation, she's not ready to appear.
Then get Dr Baylor's evaluation.
Dr Baylor is no longer employed here.
- You're quite a son of a bitch. - So?
You can't do this to Kathy. I'll contact her family.
Family? What family?
Her brother? Are you going to contact her brother?
Did she show you those letters from her brother in the army?
- She wrote those herself. - You know that isn't true.
You're not the first she's fooled, not the first she's sought help from,
not the first male patient she's brought to her special place.
- Did you write the letters or not? - I certainly don't think so!
You don't think so?
I have a brother. He'll be flying in to take me away.
This is harder to believe than ever. Why didn't you say it like this before?
Because!
There are some things I'm not sure of.
As years pass here, you do begin to wonder what's real.
I didn't want to take the chance of expressing that to you.
Everybody's always so sure. Certainty is bullshit. Everybody's just hoping.
Did you promise other guys that you would leave with them?
Why do I have to dignify these accusations with answers?
Why? Kathy, because you made an impact in my life.
You made me hopeful.
Do you have any idea how much you're hurting me?
What about me, Kathy?
You've been asking me to pin my hopes on a fictitious situation.
A brother who was to fly in on wings and whisk you away...
I did not say "wings". I never said "wings".
You're not waiting for anyone, are you? You're staying here.
Don't look at me like I lied to you.
Hoping and believing is not lying.
You said you cared for me. If you care for somebody, you trust them.
They confused me here.
Anybody who commits to me is going to have to realise that.
- Hi. - I got it.
Thanks.
I hear you're going to leave. I don't like the idea.
- You can't go, Emory. - We're pitching a client tomorrow.
Which is why we haven't spent any time with you.
Sorry I called you a shit box.
If we win this account, we'll be eligible for bonds and stock options.
I heard they may throw in some liquorice.
- Hello, I want to go with you. - Well, you can't, George.
I'm packed. Hello, how's the family?
I can't take anyone with me.
Don't go. I don't think I can handle this creatively.
Baylor's gone. You're gone. This is making me way too sad.
Well, I...
...I thought I'd found a woman I could love
and who I could believe in, but the whole thing fell through.
- So... - Don't go, Em.
We love you. If you attempt to leave, we will try to kill you.
Bye, Manny.
Here's a gift. It's a comb.
- It's plastic. - Manny!
It's the rear-view mirror from my BMW. I'd like you to have it.
- That's great, Bruce, thank you. - Here, it's a hello box.
Inside, you'll find about 119 hellos. They should last you into the summer.
If you need more, we can send them out.
I'm going to miss you guys. Thanks. OK, we can go now. See you.
Oh, God.
- Bennington Hospital. - Kathy Burgess, please.
- It's after hours. - This is important!
Her calls are being referred to Dr Koch. I'll connect you.
- Directory assistance. - Dr Elizabeth Baylor, please.
What area, sir?
I don't know, but we're going to look for this number
and not stop until we get very old.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr Yumio Yamashita
who represents the Sony Corporation,
the most powerful consumer electronics firm on this planet.
We welcome them this morning.
Thank you for having us here, gentlemen and lady.
Your honest approach to advertising has caught the world's attention.
Your lunatics look crappy. Can't you give them something to spice them up?
We are looking forward to seeing how you have tailored your approach
to work for us.
Thank you, thank you.
George? That means "Let's go!"
Hello, babe. We're Sony. How's it going?
- Killer. - What is that?
- Not sure. - Get him off of there.
Sorry, this is for something else, not Sony. Bruce?
Hi.
"Frnxt Ghrt Sony Gurm."
It's not totally fleshed out yet.
- It's better if you do that. - This happens with lunatics.
Sometimes you get a little craziness. It's all part of the charm.
What the hell is this?
You, get up there!
Ah, Sony!
Sony.
Bony.
- What the hell is this thing? - He's comparing.
- I'm lost. - Gentlemen, you are wasting my time.
Get the hell out there after them.
You said you were on top of this!
These people are dysfunctional!
You better hope they glow tomorrow.
You better pray that I get this company back here.
You heard him. We want the old stuff and fast.
You've got until tomorrow.
No!
That's right. I said no.
First you got rid of Dr Baylor. Then you got rid of Emory.
You lied to them, to me and all of us.
I don't like it here any more.
That's unfortunate. You're not going anywhere.
You're crazy. Crazy people stay here.
If you don't come up with the best ads ever, I'll have you broken up
and reassigned to an institution that doesn't get too much sunlight.
In 50 minutes, there'll be a lot of military personnel
wondering where this chopper is.
We'll have it back. It's my sister. It's an emergency.
Where do you think she might be?
Try the area around that little barn.
Adam! I knew it!
- Oh, Adam! - Are you OK?
I guess so. How did you know where to find me?
You got some very good friends.
Do you forgive me?
- Look! - Surprise!
So you believe me?
- Hey, George! - Hello.
Hello!
- It's real! It's real! - What are you talking about?
- Something's real. - It's good.
Look, there they are. Hey, come on!
- Come on! - That's real!
George, get your case!
Come on, George!
Inside the window!
Put the belt on! Everybody ready?
Take it up, OK?
Hello... Goodbye! Goodbye!
Goodbye! Goodbye!
Goodbye, you knuckleheads!
I guess we lost that job!
Hey, we could create our own company, of course!
But we can't, hello. We don't know how to write ads any more.
We can do whatever the heck we want.
Yeah, we just need to get a client!
Well, let's work on that Sony ad.
What can we say about Sony? What can we say about the Japanese?
They're rich.
The Japanese, the Japanese, the Japanese...
The Japanese, they're short.
Their eyes are closer to the electronics than many other nationalities'.
Caucasians are too tall and gangly.
Look how far the Caucasians' eyes are from the integrated circuitry.
That's why Sony products are better.
Sony. Because Caucasians are just too damn tall.