Okay. I don't want to overhype this, but presenting...
(MIMICKING FANFARE)
The new City of Pawnee website.
Totally revamped.
LESLIE: You can pay for parking tickets.
You can apply for a business license.
And the best part
is we are putting up an online poll
so people can pick the new town slogan.
Hey, look, a panda! ALL: Whoa!
BEN: Yeah, that's just some mascot thing
the designer put up on the front page.
But more importantly, you can now apply for a utility tax refund online.
DONNA: Wait. The panda's name is Peebo.
APRIL: Peebo!
Look, it can even play Ping-Pong.
TOM: What? ANDY: Me first! Me first!
No. Okay, I said it. I called it.
Guys, Ben worked really hard on this. Okay?
Hey, let's look at the online poll.
It's gonna be a cool way to choose our new town slogan. (GASPS)
The panda holds the paddle with his tail? I want to play!
Congratulations, Ben.
This is truly a fine panda game you made. Well done.
What else does he do?
I think if you click on the bamboo, he puts on a top hat.
Ta-da.
What? (ALL LAUGHING)
ANDY: I love you, Ben!
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What's wrong with you?
You look like Meryl Streep at the end of Ironweed.
You wish.
I've been driving all over Indiana
looking for bands to play the Unity Concert.
I've got nothing to show for it
except for four car accidents,
and all these strangers'
insurance information.
Ooh! I get it.
You have car insurance. Why don't you brag about it?
Hey, you're from Eagleton, right?
Are there any places out there I should check out?
I used to go see live shows at Patterson's,
but I'm boycotting until the owner apologizes
for what she said to me at the dog park.
All right. Cool. Anything else?
I hear Cozy's Bar gets pretty packed on Thursdays.
But I've never been because it's mostly middle-aged women,
and I'm allergic to turkey neck.
Really? That's the best part.
We should split a turkey sometime.
Oh, Mr. Larson. Thank you so much for meeting me here.
Happy to. I was in the area.
Good chance for me to return
your binder full of questions about the job.
I think I answered all of them.
Thank you. I cannot wait to check these out.
Now, the reason why I asked you to meet me here...
More questions about the job?
Oh, yeah.
Martha? I'm going to need two hours' worth of waffles.
Grant Larson has offered me a chance to oversee
a branch office of the National Parks Service.
This is, like, the parks equivalent
of Bruce Springsteen pulling Courteney Cox onstage.
I mean, one minute you're just a regular girl in the crowd.
And the next minute you're dancing
10 feet away from freaking Max Weinberg.
Okay, my 40th and 18th-from-last question
is about the Heartland Exotic Plant Management Project.
Now, where would I be actually doing
the physical planting?
Because it has always been a dream of mine
to plant spotted jewelweed along
the Red River bank in Arkansas.
But I'm sure you hear that a lot.
Well, you wouldn't actually be planting things.
I mean, you're overseeing 200 people.
The everyday minutia you would delegate to your staff.
Leslie, your job is more creative, big-picture stuff.
No more boring paperwork for you.
Good. I hate paperwork.
I hardly ever do it in my bed on a Saturday night
while listening to old Spice Girls CDs.
Regal Meagle. My favorite realtor.
You got some hot properties to show me? You know it.
Remember my list of must-haves.
Open kitchen, fireplace, exposed brick...
And you know I wouldn't kick a skylight out of bed.
I'm opening Pawnee's first authentic
Sinatra-style Italian restaurant.
Tom's Bistro.
I'm kind of like a skinny, handsome, Indian Mario Batali,
who doesn't know how to cook.
Before we go, I got you guys a little something for helping me out.
(GASPS)
Love it. (GASPS)
A Larry voodoo doll? Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks.
Oh, my gosh.
I didn't even do anything. The voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.
So, seems like it went really well, right?
Yeah. Yeah, totally.
Grant is great, the job is great, the waffles were great...
Great. So, we're just about ready to go live
with the slogan poll. You want to see?
LESLIE: Now that Pawnee and Eagleton have merged,
it is time to pick a new town slogan.
And a slogan can make a big difference
with tourism and a town's identity.
There's New York, "The City That Never Sleeps".
And then, there's Glenwater, Florida,
"Home of America's Most Violent Walmart Parking Lot."
Okay. So, people can vote now?
Yeah. See, that's the super cool thing about this website.
Because it does all the work for us,
so we can just sit back and take it easy.
No. No, we're not going to do that.
We're going to sit forward and take it hard.
Um, what?
There's a lot of nitty-gritty left to do, Ben.
We need to roll up our sleeves. We need to go door-to-door.
We need to hand out flyers and canvas. You know what we should do?
We should have a press junket to publicize the poll.
Okay. I hope you had lunch plans,
because now, you get to cancel them.
Well, I did.
So, this was one of Eagleton's top sushi restaurants,
but you can't out-run the whale meat police forever.
This is great! I love it!
Look at it. I can picture it now.
That's where the politicians will sit.
This is where the connected guys will bring their goomahs.
This place is perfect. How much?
$9,000 a month.
What? That's way more than I can afford.
Whatever, it's not that great.
Plus, it's really far away from work, and that would be annoying.
That's not a big deal.
I mean, when it first launches, I'll go back and forth.
But hopefully, it takes off
and it will become a full-time job.
Come on. I'll show you some places in your price range.
This press junket is a brilliant idea, isn't it,
Mr. Strange-cameraman- who-I've-never-met?
Leslie, I told you.
I'm not gonna participate in your weird
Julia Roberts- cameraman/husband fantasy.
Quiet, cameraman, Perd's here.
Leslie, your poll is designed to choose a new slogan.
And a slogan is a series of words that have a meaning.
(LAUGHS) So true, Perd.
All of the choices for the town slogan are wonderful.
But if I had to choose my favorite,
it would probably be "Storied Past, Bright Future".
Well, the story of my interest level is...
It's medium.
Joan, this poll is a chance to give
our newly-merged city a new identity.
To really rebrand this town.
Yes, great question. I have been thinking of rebranding myself.
What do you think about "Juan Callamezzo"?
Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
No, it means "flower."
I think it means "John."
Crazy Ira and The Douche from 93.7 FM. The Groove.
Leslie, do you believe that this new slogan
will integrate Pawnee and Eagleton into one cohesive city?
Well, that's a very thoughtful question, Crazy Ira.
Yes. Yes, I do.
A follow-up question, Leslie.
Show us your boobs!
(FART NOISES)
Will this fit on a bumper sticker? (FART NOISES)
Gosh, this place is packed, huh?
You folks must really like this guy.
Honey, he is sex on a stick.
Ladies and gentlemen, put your jazzy hands together for my man,
Mr. Duke Silver.
(ALL CHEERING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Ooh, baby!
A smooth and silky evening to you all.
On nights like this, when the cold winds blow,
and the air is awash in the swirling eddies of our dreams,
come with me and find safe haven
in a warm bathtub full of my jazz.
ALL: Ooh!
(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)
Well, the good news is, your poll was a big hit.
Thousands of people voted.
That's great. What's leading? "Storied Past, Bright Future"?
No. The current leader is "Pawnee: Welcome to Douche Nation".
What?
Crazy Ira and The Douche got their bonehead radio fans
to flood the poll with write-in votes.
Why did we include a write-in option?
Because every election has a write-in option.
That's how democracy works.
I'm not a dictator.
If I were a dictator, I would throw The Douche in prison without a trial.
I would be a very strong dictator.
And you would be my bodyguard and you would lead my army.
Okay. I know we should figure out how to fix this,
but I'm starting to get kind of turned on imagining you as a dictator.
Is that bad? No, it's okay.
You know, we could just figure out a different strategy for picking a slogan.
You don't have to go on their show.
No, I want to do this. I enjoy the challenge.
So, how do I look?
I need these guys to think that I'm, like, super chill.
Is this gonna work? Oh, what up, Lez?
Backwards hat shows a real lack of respect for authority.
I like that.
What's up, Little Mayor? You going to freak out again?
So, Leslie, what's the deal?
Are you just here to yell at us again?
Yeah, are we in store for another Leslie Knope nag sesh?
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Crazy Ira, do the dishes!" (FART NOISES)
(LAUGHS)
Classic. No way. I'm not here to nag, guys.
I'm just psyched to be in the studio.
You know, I'm just chilling in the studes with my dudes.
If you're really not here to nag us,
then maybe you'll help us with our next segment...
ANNOUNCER: Rating Celebrities' Boobs!
Perfect.
On a scale from one to ga-ga-going,
how would you rate Emma Watson's boobs?
First of all, I would rate her acting as an "A."
You have three seconds to answer
or we're going to withdraw a donation from charity.
From charity?
A-minus. More like double D-minus.
(FART NOISES)
WOMAN: (MOANS) Me so horny!
(LAUGHS)
I knew it. I knew it.
Can I help you? Maybe.
I was out at a jazz club last night,
scouting bands for the Unity Concert.
And I saw something very interesting.
I am Duke Silver. You have a twin brother.
What? What?
You're Duke Silver? I have a twin brother.
Yes. I am Duke Silver.
(LAUGHS)
The only other people who know are Tom and April.
So, please keep it to yourself.
Are you kidding me? You're really good!
You're like "the saxophone player for The California Raisins" good.
No joke.
You know what? I'm booking you for the Unity Concert.
Absolutely not. Yes.
My musical career is private. Oh, no.
If my secret got out, this office would be
waist-deep in women's undergarments.
No, I'm in charge of booking the bands for the concert, and I say you're in.
You're going to play right after Bobby Knight Ranger.
It's a Night Ranger cover band where they only wear red sweaters.
It's gonna be epic!
CRAZY IRA: Final round, Leslie.
Boobs or ass?
Hard to believe this is a fun game for your radio listeners.
Uh...
I'm going to say butt. Yes! (BELL DINGING)
You are correct. This is my mom's dumper.
(THE DOUCHE LAUGHS) (FART NOISES)
Oh, Mommy!
I do not know how you got your hands on that.
I took it. Good.
Well, it has been so fun bro-ing out with my dawgs.
I never knew that objectifying women could be so much fun.
We're running out of time here, so just a quick reminder to
write in "Welcome to Douche Nation..." Oh, yeah.
...as the official town slogan at "pawneecity. Gov."
Or you know what would also be kind of dope
for the people of Douche Nation to do
is vote for another slogan.
Like, you know, "Storied Past, Bright Future"?
But... Yeah, I don't care. I don't give a fart, bros.
You know, just do your thing, chicken wing. (ROOSTER CAWING)
Hey, Crazy Ira. Have you seen my stick? Where's your stick?
I don't know. Lesbo Baggins, do you know where my stick is?
You... Found my stick.
Where did you find it?
Up Leslie Knope's butt! Up Leslie Knope's butt!
(FOGHORN BLOWING)
MAN: Yo, where my stick at?
WOMAN: It's up her butt, Papi.
(FARTING SOUNDS) (LAUGHS)
Jewish Greg, whatever we're paying you, it's not enough.
(SPRING SOUND) (BURPING)
Damn it. I almost pulled that off.
No, you really didn't.
Just delete the poll and let the slogan thing go.
Or maybe we sneak back in there,
you distract those guys for, like, 30, 90 minutes,
I get on live radio, I give an impassioned speech about
which slogan I want to endorse, and I play a few songs,
which I've always wanted to do.
And then, we just see what happens.
No. I should just let this go. Okay.
Dude, what are you doing?
That looks like a perfectly good saxophone case.
Wait a minute. What's inside that case?
I am ending my secret musical career. I have to kill Duke Silver.
No. Come on, man, you're really good.
You can't quit. Sorry, Andrew.
I would rather never play again
than have everyone know my secret.
Goodbye, Duke Silver. May you rest in jazz.
So, Tom told me you're sort of, like, a computer expert?
Uh, yeah. You could say that.
These jerks are trying to hijack my online poll.
And so far, the leading town slogan is
"Home of the Stick Up Leslie Knope's Butt".
Yeah. Yeah, I voted for that one. Great.
I'm wondering. Is there a way
I can communicate with everybody who voted?
Yeah, I could do that. It should take about two minutes.
Just PayPal me some Bitcoins when you get a chance.
What?
DONNA: So, this is way under your budget.
Used to be a donut shop.
Well, a tire shop that sold donuts.
It's pretty rough. I mean, I guess I could fix the roof
and tear out the counter and do something about that smell.
This place is creepy.
I mean, I love it because it reminds me of
the cafeteria in a haunted nursing home.
But that's just me.
DONNA: This is the last listing I have
that isn't an active crime scene.
Hey, man, what happened? I thought Jurassic Fork was super popular.
We stretched ourselves too thin
by expanding to a second location.
You opened another dinosaur-themed restaurant?
No, another Steven Spielberg- themed restaurant.
The German place downtown, Schindler's Lunch.
I think you may have misunderstood
what people liked about Jurassic Fork.
I actually think the space is pretty cool.
Obviously, we'd have to move this T-Rex, but...
No can do. That's a load-bearing T-Rex.
Is this really the last place you have available?
Dang. Maybe Tom's Bistro wasn't meant to be.
You wanted to see me? Yeah, real quick.
Remember when you said you would close up shop on this slogan thing?
Yes. You did do that, right?
You didn't somehow get the email addresses
for every person who voted for the "stick up the butt" slogan,
and then write each of them a personalized, heart-felt email
telling them to do the right thing and vote for a real slogan?
Are you crazy?
What a crazy talk you just did with your funny words.
Well, someone wrote those emails,
and we got about 300 complaints.
And as a cherry on top, some hackers
got really mad about the invasion of privacy
and attacked the website.
Look what they did to Peebo.
He's wearing a hat made of penises.
Oh, boy.
BEN: Well, IT is fixing the website.
But it will be down for about three days.
Well, no worries. I will handle all of the overflow work personally.
Parking tickets, code violations. Send them all to me.
What's going on?
I don't know. I spoke to Grant about the National Parks job,
and he mentioned it's mostly big-picture planning and delegating.
And not very much nitty-gritty,
hands-on stuff that I love to do.
I would miss that very much.
I mean, have I really pulled my last bloated
raccoon carcass from a public fountain?
But that's the whole point of moving up the ladder.
You get to think bigger, swim in a bigger pond.
You're having a public forum on the slogan, right?
Use it as a test.
Hand the reins to someone else, let them handle things
while you manage from a distance.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I guess I should practice
delegating. Ugh!
Okay. The public forum will be run by...
Oh, no. I would not have started the sentence
if I knew Larry was the only one here.
Babe, if you can step back and let Larry take control,
you can survive anything.
Fine. Larry, can you get in here?
I would love to, but gosh darn it, I...
I somehow ran my belt through a slat in the chair, so I'm kind of...
Kind of stuck to it now.
Great.
You really shouldn't have dug that out of the dumpster.
I had to. Also, I had a banana on the way over here.
Sorry. I get why you don't want anyone to know about Duke Silver.
And you don't have to worry.
Your secret is safe with me.
To even it out, I'm going to tell you all of my secrets.
Oh, no, that's not necessary.
I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks.
I didn't actually sell my last car.
I just forgot where I parked it.
I don't know who Al Gore is, and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask.
When they say two-percent milk,
I don't know what the other 98% is.
When I was a baby, my head was so big
scientists did experiments on me.
I once threw a beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece, Rebecca.
That will do, Andrew.
You don't have to play the Unity Concert.
But don't quit music. Please.
Tommy. Hey.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I just got excited about the restaurant,
but I should probably call my investor
and tell him we have a problem.
Well, I got you something to cheer you up.
Watch cologne.
Cologne for watches.
Thanks. Things used to make me so happy.
But I've grown a lot in the last year.
Now, I just want one big thing.
My own restaurant, named after me,
that makes so much money I can buy anything I want.
I should go.
I didn't want Tom to leave,
so I said all those bad things
about the restaurants so he wouldn't like them.
Damn. We should have coordinated.
I don't want to lose that weird little elf, either.
That's why I showed him all those crappy places.
I thought you were just bad at your job.
Sorry. Well, what should we do?
I'm gonna call some people.
LESLIE: Hello, everyone,
and welcome to a public forum to choose our new town slogan.
I'm going to hand things over to Larry Gengurch,
who is 100% in charge.
Well, let's just get started, huh?
I want to talk about the... What the... It's the... Jeez, Louise.
It keeps happening. I don't know why.
I think the slogan should be "Pawnee: Home of Crackers, the Orangest Goldfish in Indiana."
Okey-dokey. LESLIE: No.
LARRY: Let me write it down.
Who even needs a slogan?
Well, now, that is an interesting point.
No. That's my slogan idea. "Who Even Needs a Slogan?"
And then, a big picture of me flipping everybody off.
Let's keep our eye on the ball here, Douche Nation.
"Home of the Stick Up Leslie Knope's Butt!"
CRAZY IRA: Butt! Stick! Butt! Stick!
Let's vote on it right now!
ALL: (CHANTING) Butt! Stick! Butt! Stick!
Okay, who's next? Yes, ma'am.
This slogan is going to go on every sign in town.
I think it should be something real, that we can all be proud of.
I've lived in Pawnee my whole life. And it can be a strange place,
but overall, it's a warm and wonderful town.
My idea for a slogan is "When you're here, then you're home".
Well, that's lovely.
I actually had it printed up so we could see what it would look like.
You... There's... That's spelled wrong.
That should be "then," T-H-E-N.
Stay strong. Let them work it out. And trust Larry.
"Trust Larry"? Are you even listening to yourself?
I like that slogan a lot.
But you made a little mistake there.
She's gonna work it out.
Back off.
"You're" is spelled wrong.
It should be "Y-O-U-R."
Oops. I didn't catch it. Thank you.
No, no, no. She made it possessive. She's getting further away.
It's okay. LARRY: Okay. Let's vote.
All those in favor.
Approved!
(APPLAUSE)
Man, the places that came on the market today
are way nicer than the listings we saw yesterday.
I know. It's crazy, right? Real estate.
And this property is under your budget,
and it has everything on this wish list you gave me.
Except the two helipads.
Does it have one helipad?
I don't know. I like it, but it seems a little small.
You know, I think it just seems small
because of all the heavy furniture.
But that bar is really great. The lighting is really cool.
I think this is the one.
You know, I think you're right. I'll do it.
Thanks, April. And hey, bonus, it's pretty close to City Hall.
You guys can be regulars. I'll keep a table open for you.
And special thanks to Leslie Knope
for once again bringing about positive change to this town.
Pawnee, I present to you your new slogan.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
You fixed the mistakes.
Well, I held it together for the entire meeting.
Let me have this one. I am done micromanaging, I promise.
Then, I'm sure you're okay with the fact that
they installed the sign the wrong way,
and it's welcoming you to Pawnee as you're leaving.
What? No. Oh, son of a...
Hey. You passed the test.
(SIGHS) Honestly, there's something else I'm worried about.
The kind of work that I've been doing all these years,
the nuts and bolts, the grunt work,
that's the stuff I know how to do.
What if I take this National Parks job,
and I just fail? Hmm.
What if I'm not good at it? Yeah.
Leslie, I love you very much.
But that's the stupidest thing you've ever said. (LAUGHS)
You'd be amazing,
and everyone is going to be in awe of how amazing you are.
So, just shut your mouth.
(LAUGHS)
Hey! Are we leaving or entering?
We've been driving around in circles!
You're...
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