1
00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,299
Okay. I don't want to overhype
this, but presenting...
2
00:00:04,371 --> 00:00:05,395
(MIMICKING FANFARE)
3
00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:07,406
The new City of Pawnee website.
4
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:08,566
Totally revamped.
5
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:09,869
LESLIE: You can pay
for parking tickets.
6
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,410
You can apply for
a business license.
7
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:13,343
And the best part
8
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:15,176
is we are putting
up an online poll
9
00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:17,011
so people can pick
the new town slogan.
10
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:19,176
Hey, look, a panda!
ALL: Whoa!
11
00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:20,742
BEN: Yeah, that's just
some mascot thing
12
00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:22,412
the designer put up
on the front page.
13
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:26,721
But more importantly, you can now apply
for a utility tax refund online.
14
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:28,590
DONNA: Wait. The panda's
name is Peebo.
15
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:29,650
APRIL: Peebo!
16
00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:30,923
Look, it can even
play Ping-Pong.
17
00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:32,931
TOM: What?
ANDY: Me first! Me first!
18
00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:34,398
No. Okay, I said it.
I called it.
19
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:36,697
Guys, Ben worked
really hard on this. Okay?
20
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:38,203
Hey, let's look
at the online poll.
21
00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:40,535
It's gonna be a cool way to choose
our new town slogan. (GASPS)
22
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:43,132
The panda holds the paddle with his tail?
I want to play!
23
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,471
Congratulations, Ben.
24
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:47,342
This is truly a fine panda
game you made. Well done.
25
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:48,438
What else does he do?
26
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:51,416
I think if you click on the
bamboo, he puts on a top hat.
27
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:52,610
Ta-da.
28
00:00:52,685 --> 00:00:53,845
What?
(ALL LAUGHING)
29
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:55,615
ANDY: I love you, Ben!
30
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:08,000
Ripped By mstoll
31
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,105
What's wrong with you?
32
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,374
You look like Meryl Streep
at the end of Ironweed.
33
00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:22,779
You wish.
34
00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:24,783
I've been driving
all over Indiana
35
00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:26,716
looking for bands to
play the Unity Concert.
36
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:28,185
I've got nothing to show for it
37
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:30,347
except for four car accidents,
38
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:31,981
and all these strangers'
39
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,582
insurance information.
40
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:34,684
Ooh! I get it.
41
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,127
You have car insurance.
Why don't you brag about it?
42
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,664
Hey, you're from
Eagleton, right?
43
00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:40,858
Are there any places out
there I should check out?
44
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,959
I used to go see live
shows at Patterson's,
45
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,061
but I'm boycotting until
the owner apologizes
46
00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:46,969
for what she said to
me at the dog park.
47
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,769
All right. Cool.
Anything else?
48
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,867
I hear Cozy's Bar gets
pretty packed on Thursdays.
49
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,003
But I've never been because
it's mostly middle-aged women,
50
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:54,603
and I'm allergic to turkey neck.
51
00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:55,943
Really? That's the best part.
52
00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,642
We should split
a turkey sometime.
53
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:01,687
Oh, Mr. Larson. Thank you so
much for meeting me here.
54
00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:03,381
Happy to.
I was in the area.
55
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:04,753
Good chance for me to return
56
00:02:04,824 --> 00:02:07,258
your binder full of
questions about the job.
57
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,487
I think I answered all of them.
58
00:02:08,561 --> 00:02:10,085
Thank you. I cannot
wait to check these out.
59
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,654
Now, the reason why
I asked you to meet me here...
60
00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:14,097
More questions about the job?
61
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,395
Oh, yeah.
62
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,198
Martha? I'm going to need
two hours' worth of waffles.
63
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:20,899
Grant Larson has offered me
a chance to oversee
64
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,340
a branch office of
the National Parks Service.
65
00:02:23,409 --> 00:02:25,206
This is, like,
the parks equivalent
66
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:27,838
of Bruce Springsteen pulling
Courteney Cox onstage.
67
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:29,814
I mean, one minute you're just
a regular girl in the crowd.
68
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,316
And the next minute
you're dancing
69
00:02:31,417 --> 00:02:34,875
10 feet away from
freaking Max Weinberg.
70
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:37,718
Okay, my 40th and
18th-from-last question
71
00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:40,816
is about the Heartland Exotic
Plant Management Project.
72
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:42,759
Now, where would
I be actually doing
73
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:43,955
the physical planting?
74
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,895
Because it has always
been a dream of mine
75
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,592
to plant spotted jewelweed along
76
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,565
the Red River bank in Arkansas.
77
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:51,160
But I'm sure you
hear that a lot.
78
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:53,762
Well, you wouldn't actually
be planting things.
79
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,967
I mean, you're
overseeing 200 people.
80
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:58,704
The everyday minutia you would
delegate to your staff.
81
00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:01,975
Leslie, your job is more
creative, big-picture stuff.
82
00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:03,948
No more boring
paperwork for you.
83
00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:07,083
Good. I hate paperwork.
84
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,417
I hardly ever do it in my
bed on a Saturday night
85
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:12,151
while listening to
old Spice Girls CDs.
86
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,456
Regal Meagle.
My favorite realtor.
87
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,586
You got some hot properties to show me?
You know it.
88
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:17,823
Remember my
list of must-haves.
89
00:03:17,897 --> 00:03:20,058
Open kitchen, fireplace,
exposed brick...
90
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,499
And you know I wouldn't
kick a skylight out of bed.
91
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,332
I'm opening
Pawnee's first authentic
92
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,099
Sinatra-style
Italian restaurant.
93
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:27,731
Tom's Bistro.
94
00:03:27,807 --> 00:03:30,776
I'm kind of like a skinny,
handsome, Indian Mario Batali,
95
00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,367
who doesn't know how to cook.
96
00:03:32,445 --> 00:03:35,937
Before we go, I got you guys a
little something for helping me out.
97
00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:37,004
(GASPS)
98
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:39,349
Love it.
(GASPS)
99
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:43,820
A Larry voodoo doll?
Tom, that's so sweet. Thanks.
100
00:03:45,692 --> 00:03:47,057
Oh, my gosh.
101
00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:50,186
I didn't even do anything. The
voodoo doll is reading my thoughts.
102
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,522
So, seems like it
went really well, right?
103
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:54,260
Yeah. Yeah, totally.
104
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:57,462
Grant is great, the job is
great, the waffles were great...
105
00:03:57,537 --> 00:03:59,266
Great. So, we're just
about ready to go live
106
00:03:59,339 --> 00:04:00,636
with the slogan poll.
You want to see?
107
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:02,504
LESLIE: Now that Pawnee and
Eagleton have merged,
108
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,203
it is time to pick
a new town slogan.
109
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:07,542
And a slogan can
make a big difference
110
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:09,638
with tourism and
a town's identity.
111
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:13,015
There's New York,
"The City That Never Sleeps".
112
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,611
And then, there's
Glenwater, Florida,
113
00:04:15,688 --> 00:04:18,987
"Home of America's Most
Violent Walmart Parking Lot."
114
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:20,855
Okay. So, people can vote now?
115
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,361
Yeah. See, that's the super
cool thing about this website.
116
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,953
Because it does
all the work for us,
117
00:04:25,064 --> 00:04:27,464
so we can just sit
back and take it easy.
118
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:30,628
No. No, we're not
going to do that.
119
00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:32,967
We're going to sit
forward and take it hard.
120
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,063
Um, what?
121
00:04:34,140 --> 00:04:35,835
There's a lot of nitty-gritty
left to do, Ben.
122
00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:37,933
We need to roll up our sleeves.
We need to go door-to-door.
123
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,878
We need to hand out flyers and canvas.
You know what we should do?
124
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,040
We should have a press junket
to publicize the poll.
125
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,674
Okay. I hope you
had lunch plans,
126
00:04:44,751 --> 00:04:45,911
because now,
you get to cancel them.
127
00:04:45,985 --> 00:04:47,384
Well, I did.
128
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:51,456
So, this was one of Eagleton's
top sushi restaurants,
129
00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:53,685
but you can't out-run
the whale meat police forever.
130
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,387
This is great! I love it!
131
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,792
Look at it.
I can picture it now.
132
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,160
That's where
the politicians will sit.
133
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,791
This is where the connected
guys will bring their goomahs.
134
00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:01,925
This place is perfect.
How much?
135
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:02,990
$9,000 a month.
136
00:05:03,069 --> 00:05:05,230
What? That's way
more than I can afford.
137
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,636
Whatever, it's not that great.
138
00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:09,607
Plus, it's really far away from
work, and that would be annoying.
139
00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:10,665
That's not a big deal.
140
00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,109
I mean, when it first launches,
I'll go back and forth.
141
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:14,737
But hopefully, it takes off
142
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,145
and it will become
a full-time job.
143
00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:18,706
Come on. I'll show you some
places in your price range.
144
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:24,050
This press junket is
a brilliant idea, isn't it,
145
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:27,183
Mr. Strange-cameraman-
who-I've-never-met?
146
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:28,420
Leslie, I told you.
147
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:29,984
I'm not gonna
participate in your weird
148
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,429
Julia Roberts-
cameraman/husband fantasy.
149
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:33,795
Quiet, cameraman, Perd's here.
150
00:05:34,233 --> 00:05:37,259
Leslie, your poll is designed
to choose a new slogan.
151
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,670
And a slogan is a series of
words that have a meaning.
152
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,970
(LAUGHS) So true, Perd.
153
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:46,478
All of the choices for the
town slogan are wonderful.
154
00:05:46,546 --> 00:05:48,673
But if I had to
choose my favorite,
155
00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:52,047
it would probably be
"Storied Past, Bright Future".
156
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:55,281
Well, the story of my
interest level is...
157
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,413
It's medium.
158
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:58,184
Joan, this poll is
a chance to give
159
00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:00,782
our newly-merged
city a new identity.
160
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,693
To really rebrand this town.
161
00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:07,631
Yes, great question. I have been
thinking of rebranding myself.
162
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:11,033
What do you think
about "Juan Callamezzo"?
163
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,833
Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
164
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:14,395
No, it means "flower."
165
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,873
I think it means "John."
166
00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:22,108
Crazy Ira and The Douche
from 93.7 FM. The Groove.
167
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,945
Leslie, do you believe
that this new slogan
168
00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:28,851
will integrate Pawnee and
Eagleton into one cohesive city?
169
00:06:29,589 --> 00:06:32,490
Well, that's a very thoughtful
question, Crazy Ira.
170
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:33,820
Yes. Yes, I do.
171
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,258
A follow-up question, Leslie.
172
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:37,762
Show us your boobs!
173
00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,320
(FART NOISES)
174
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:41,626
Will this fit on a bumper sticker?
(FART NOISES)
175
00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:44,601
Gosh, this place is packed, huh?
176
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:46,137
You folks must
really like this guy.
177
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:48,673
Honey, he is sex on a stick.
178
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:52,336
Ladies and gentlemen, put your
jazzy hands together for my man,
179
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,243
Mr. Duke Silver.
180
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,406
(ALL CHEERING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
181
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:57,813
Ooh, baby!
182
00:06:57,884 --> 00:07:00,682
A smooth and silky
evening to you all.
183
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,347
On nights like this,
when the cold winds blow,
184
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:08,417
and the air is awash in the
swirling eddies of our dreams,
185
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:11,759
come with me and find safe haven
186
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:15,163
in a warm bathtub
full of my jazz.
187
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:16,767
ALL: Ooh!
188
00:07:17,036 --> 00:07:18,594
(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)
189
00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,704
Well, the good news is,
your poll was a big hit.
190
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:24,834
Thousands of people voted.
191
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:28,108
That's great. What's leading?
"Storied Past, Bright Future"?
192
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:33,483
No. The current leader is "Pawnee:
Welcome to Douche Nation".
193
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:34,645
What?
194
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,382
Crazy Ira and The Douche got
their bonehead radio fans
195
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,482
to flood the poll
with write-in votes.
196
00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:41,254
Why did we include
a write-in option?
197
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,625
Because every election
has a write-in option.
198
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,095
That's how democracy works.
199
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:46,631
I'm not a dictator.
200
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:50,635
If I were a dictator, I would throw
The Douche in prison without a trial.
201
00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:52,500
I would be a very
strong dictator.
202
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:55,803
And you would be my bodyguard
and you would lead my army.
203
00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:58,742
Okay. I know we should
figure out how to fix this,
204
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:01,939
but I'm starting to get kind of turned
on imagining you as a dictator.
205
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:03,743
Is that bad?
No, it's okay.
206
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:10,412
You know, we could just figure out a
different strategy for picking a slogan.
207
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,718
You don't have to
go on their show.
208
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,055
No, I want to do this.
I enjoy the challenge.
209
00:08:14,126 --> 00:08:15,559
So, how do I look?
210
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,358
I need these guys to think
that I'm, like, super chill.
211
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,729
Is this gonna work?
Oh, what up, Lez?
212
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,564
Backwards hat shows a real
lack of respect for authority.
213
00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,103
I like that.
214
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:28,106
What's up, Little Mayor?
You going to freak out again?
215
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,233
So, Leslie, what's the deal?
216
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,300
Are you just here
to yell at us again?
217
00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:36,041
Yeah, are we in store for
another Leslie Knope nag sesh?
218
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:38,640
WOMAN'S VOICE: "Crazy Ira, do
the dishes!" (FART NOISES)
219
00:08:38,718 --> 00:08:39,742
(LAUGHS)
220
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:42,686
Classic. No way.
I'm not here to nag, guys.
221
00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:44,347
I'm just psyched
to be in the studio.
222
00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:47,415
You know, I'm just chilling in
the studes with my dudes.
223
00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:49,791
If you're really not
here to nag us,
224
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:52,729
then maybe you'll help us
with our next segment...
225
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:56,791
ANNOUNCER:
Rating Celebrities' Boobs!
226
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,063
Perfect.
227
00:08:58,137 --> 00:09:02,471
On a scale from
one to ga-ga-going,
228
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,807
how would you rate
Emma Watson's boobs?
229
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:08,472
First of all, I would
rate her acting as an "A."
230
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,640
You have three seconds to answer
231
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,910
or we're going to withdraw
a donation from charity.
232
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:13,451
From charity?
233
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:18,220
A-minus.
More like double D-minus.
234
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,519
(FART NOISES)
235
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:21,856
WOMAN: (MOANS) Me so horny!
236
00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:22,986
(LAUGHS)
237
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,893
I knew it. I knew it.
238
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,870
Can I help you?
Maybe.
239
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:34,099
I was out at
a jazz club last night,
240
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,367
scouting bands for
the Unity Concert.
241
00:09:36,442 --> 00:09:38,501
And I saw something
very interesting.
242
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:45,577
I am Duke Silver.
You have a twin brother.
243
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:47,751
What?
What?
244
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,682
You're Duke Silver?
I have a twin brother.
245
00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,582
Yes. I am Duke Silver.
246
00:09:53,726 --> 00:09:55,626
(LAUGHS)
247
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:58,163
The only other people who
know are Tom and April.
248
00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,629
So, please keep it to yourself.
249
00:09:59,699 --> 00:10:01,599
Are you kidding me?
You're really good!
250
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:05,626
You're like "the saxophone player
for The California Raisins" good.
251
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:06,967
No joke.
252
00:10:07,039 --> 00:10:09,735
You know what? I'm booking
you for the Unity Concert.
253
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,276
Absolutely not.
Yes.
254
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,335
My musical career is private.
Oh, no.
255
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:15,277
If my secret got out,
this office would be
256
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,179
waist-deep in
women's undergarments.
257
00:10:17,249 --> 00:10:20,241
No, I'm in charge of booking the bands
for the concert, and I say you're in.
258
00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:22,219
You're going to play right
after Bobby Knight Ranger.
259
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,381
It's a Night Ranger cover band
where they only wear red sweaters.
260
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,947
It's gonna be epic!
261
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:28,521
CRAZY IRA:
Final round, Leslie.
262
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:30,687
Boobs or ass?
263
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:34,461
Hard to believe this is a fun
game for your radio listeners.
264
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:35,522
Uh...
265
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,565
I'm going to say butt. Yes!
(BELL DINGING)
266
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:42,165
You are correct.
This is my mom's dumper.
267
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:43,367
(THE DOUCHE LAUGHS)
(FART NOISES)
268
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,431
Oh, Mommy!
269
00:10:44,510 --> 00:10:46,068
I do not know how
you got your hands on that.
270
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:47,578
I took it.
Good.
271
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,878
Well, it has been so fun
bro-ing out with my dawgs.
272
00:10:50,950 --> 00:10:54,442
I never knew that objectifying
women could be so much fun.
273
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,954
We're running out of time here,
so just a quick reminder to
274
00:10:57,023 --> 00:11:00,356
write in "Welcome to Douche
Nation..." Oh, yeah.
275
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:04,294
...as the official town
slogan at "pawneecity. Gov."
276
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:06,854
Or you know what
would also be kind of dope
277
00:11:06,932 --> 00:11:09,093
for the people
of Douche Nation to do
278
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,261
is vote for another slogan.
279
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,465
Like, you know,
"Storied Past, Bright Future"?
280
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:18,032
But... Yeah, I don't care.
I don't give a fart, bros.
281
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:20,738
You know, just do your thing, chicken wing.
(ROOSTER CAWING)
282
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:23,543
Hey, Crazy Ira. Have you seen my stick?
Where's your stick?
283
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:26,107
I don't know. Lesbo Baggins,
do you know where my stick is?
284
00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:28,278
You...
Found my stick.
285
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,446
Where did you find it?
286
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,491
Up Leslie Knope's butt!
Up Leslie Knope's butt!
287
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:33,819
(FOGHORN BLOWING)
288
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:35,186
MAN: Yo, where my stick at?
289
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,660
WOMAN: It's up her butt, Papi.
290
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:38,423
(FARTING SOUNDS)
(LAUGHS)
291
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:41,591
Jewish Greg, whatever we're
paying you, it's not enough.
292
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,532
(SPRING SOUND)
(BURPING)
293
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:45,669
Damn it.
I almost pulled that off.
294
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:47,228
No, you really didn't.
295
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,968
Just delete the poll
and let the slogan thing go.
296
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,306
Or maybe we sneak back in there,
297
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,539
you distract those guys for,
like, 30, 90 minutes,
298
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:56,877
I get on live radio, I give
an impassioned speech about
299
00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:59,315
which slogan I want to endorse,
and I play a few songs,
300
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,579
which I've always wanted to do.
301
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:01,881
And then,
we just see what happens.
302
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,853
No. I should just
let this go. Okay.
303
00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:12,827
Dude, what are you doing?
304
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:15,025
That looks like a perfectly
good saxophone case.
305
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:17,865
Wait a minute.
What's inside that case?
306
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:22,101
I am ending my secret musical career.
I have to kill Duke Silver.
307
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:24,074
No. Come on,
man, you're really good.
308
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:26,077
You can't quit.
Sorry, Andrew.
309
00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:27,669
I would rather never play again
310
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,303
than have everyone
know my secret.
311
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:35,844
Goodbye, Duke Silver.
May you rest in jazz.
312
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:42,688
So, Tom told me you're sort
of, like, a computer expert?
313
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:45,592
Uh, yeah. You could say that.
314
00:12:45,664 --> 00:12:48,292
These jerks are trying
to hijack my online poll.
315
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:50,392
And so far,
the leading town slogan is
316
00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:52,903
"Home of the Stick Up
Leslie Knope's Butt".
317
00:12:52,972 --> 00:12:55,202
Yeah. Yeah, I voted for that one.
Great.
318
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,400
I'm wondering.
Is there a way
319
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:58,943
I can communicate with
everybody who voted?
320
00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:00,706
Yeah, I could do that. It
should take about two minutes.
321
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,839
Just PayPal me some Bitcoins
when you get a chance.
322
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:04,505
What?
323
00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:07,141
DONNA: So, this is way
under your budget.
324
00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:08,550
Used to be a donut shop.
325
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,714
Well, a tire shop
that sold donuts.
326
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,623
It's pretty rough. I mean, I
guess I could fix the roof
327
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:16,058
and tear out the counter and
do something about that smell.
328
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,117
This place is creepy.
329
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,725
I mean, I love it
because it reminds me of
330
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,926
the cafeteria in
a haunted nursing home.
331
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,764
But that's just me.
332
00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:25,396
DONNA: This is the last
listing I have
333
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:26,995
that isn't
an active crime scene.
334
00:13:27,072 --> 00:13:29,632
Hey, man, what happened? I thought
Jurassic Fork was super popular.
335
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:31,073
We stretched ourselves too thin
336
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,940
by expanding to
a second location.
337
00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:35,378
You opened another
dinosaur-themed restaurant?
338
00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:37,438
No, another Steven Spielberg-
themed restaurant.
339
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:39,950
The German place downtown,
Schindler's Lunch.
340
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:41,782
I think you may
have misunderstood
341
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,549
what people liked
about Jurassic Fork.
342
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:45,487
I actually think
the space is pretty cool.
343
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,287
Obviously, we'd have to
move this T-Rex, but...
344
00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:49,293
No can do.
That's a load-bearing T-Rex.
345
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:52,662
Is this really the last place
you have available?
346
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:55,359
Dang. Maybe Tom's Bistro
wasn't meant to be.
347
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:59,595
You wanted to see me?
Yeah, real quick.
348
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,266
Remember when you said you would
close up shop on this slogan thing?
349
00:14:02,942 --> 00:14:04,807
Yes.
You did do that, right?
350
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:06,777
You didn't somehow
get the email addresses
351
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,610
for every person who voted for
the "stick up the butt" slogan,
352
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:13,174
and then write each of them a
personalized, heart-felt email
353
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,482
telling them to do the right thing
and vote for a real slogan?
354
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:17,249
Are you crazy?
355
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:20,417
What a crazy talk you just
did with your funny words.
356
00:14:20,492 --> 00:14:22,858
Well, someone
wrote those emails,
357
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:25,226
and we got about 300 complaints.
358
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:27,197
And as a cherry on top,
some hackers
359
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:29,598
got really mad about
the invasion of privacy
360
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:31,659
and attacked the website.
361
00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:35,002
Look what they did to Peebo.
362
00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:37,304
He's wearing
a hat made of penises.
363
00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:39,672
Oh, boy.
364
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:42,943
BEN: Well, IT is fixing
the website.
365
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:44,879
But it will be down
for about three days.
366
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:49,148
Well, no worries. I will handle all
of the overflow work personally.
367
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:52,281
Parking tickets, code violations.
Send them all to me.
368
00:14:52,358 --> 00:14:53,655
What's going on?
369
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,524
I don't know. I spoke to Grant
about the National Parks job,
370
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:59,826
and he mentioned it's mostly
big-picture planning and delegating.
371
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,890
And not very
much nitty-gritty,
372
00:15:02,034 --> 00:15:04,002
hands-on stuff
that I love to do.
373
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,537
I would miss that very much.
374
00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:08,835
I mean, have I really
pulled my last bloated
375
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,933
raccoon carcass
from a public fountain?
376
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:13,137
But that's the whole point
of moving up the ladder.
377
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:16,477
You get to think bigger,
swim in a bigger pond.
378
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,675
You're having a public forum
on the slogan, right?
379
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,184
Use it as a test.
380
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:22,914
Hand the reins to someone
else, let them handle things
381
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,615
while you manage
from a distance.
382
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,591
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I guess I should practice
383
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,721
delegating. Ugh!
384
00:15:30,796 --> 00:15:33,731
Okay. The public
forum will be run by...
385
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:37,159
Oh, no. I would not
have started the sentence
386
00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:39,204
if I knew Larry was
the only one here.
387
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,206
Babe, if you can step back
and let Larry take control,
388
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,832
you can survive anything.
389
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,138
Fine.
Larry, can you get in here?
390
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:49,011
I would love to,
but gosh darn it, I...
391
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:52,278
I somehow ran my belt through a slat
in the chair, so I'm kind of...
392
00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:54,510
Kind of stuck to it now.
393
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:58,280
Great.
394
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,858
You really shouldn't have
dug that out of the dumpster.
395
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:06,523
I had to. Also, I had a
banana on the way over here.
396
00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:10,464
Sorry. I get why you don't want
anyone to know about Duke Silver.
397
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:12,197
And you don't have to worry.
398
00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:14,102
Your secret is safe with me.
399
00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:17,973
To even it out, I'm going to
tell you all of my secrets.
400
00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:20,477
Oh, no, that's not necessary.
401
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:22,707
I once forgot to brush
my teeth for five weeks.
402
00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:24,112
I didn't actually
sell my last car.
403
00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:25,411
I just forgot where I parked it.
404
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:28,419
I don't know who Al Gore is, and at
this point, I'm too afraid to ask.
405
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,011
When they say
two-percent milk,
406
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,557
I don't know what
the other 98% is.
407
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,216
When I was a baby,
my head was so big
408
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:35,817
scientists did
experiments on me.
409
00:16:35,894 --> 00:16:39,386
I once threw a beer at a swan, and
then it attacked my niece, Rebecca.
410
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:41,490
That will do, Andrew.
411
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,762
You don't have to
play the Unity Concert.
412
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,361
But don't quit music. Please.
413
00:16:52,644 --> 00:16:54,168
Tommy.
Hey.
414
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:55,873
Are you okay?
415
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,712
Yeah. I just got excited
about the restaurant,
416
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,411
but I should probably
call my investor
417
00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,010
and tell him we have a problem.
418
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:04,055
Well, I got you
something to cheer you up.
419
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:05,147
Watch cologne.
420
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:06,521
Cologne for watches.
421
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:09,527
Thanks. Things used
to make me so happy.
422
00:17:10,662 --> 00:17:12,960
But I've grown
a lot in the last year.
423
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,693
Now, I just want one big thing.
424
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:16,667
My own restaurant,
named after me,
425
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:19,135
that makes so much money
I can buy anything I want.
426
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:20,466
I should go.
427
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,232
I didn't want Tom to leave,
428
00:17:25,310 --> 00:17:26,937
so I said all those bad things
429
00:17:27,012 --> 00:17:29,378
about the restaurants
so he wouldn't like them.
430
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,279
Damn. We should
have coordinated.
431
00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,250
I don't want to lose that
weird little elf, either.
432
00:17:33,318 --> 00:17:35,149
That's why I showed him
all those crappy places.
433
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:36,949
I thought you were
just bad at your job.
434
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:39,851
Sorry.
Well, what should we do?
435
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:42,687
I'm gonna call some people.
436
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:44,023
LESLIE:
Hello, everyone,
437
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:47,759
and welcome to a public forum
to choose our new town slogan.
438
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:50,927
I'm going to hand
things over to Larry Gengurch,
439
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:54,869
who is 100% in charge.
440
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,464
Well,
let's just get started, huh?
441
00:17:56,542 --> 00:18:00,205
I want to talk about the... What the...
It's the... Jeez, Louise.
442
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:01,610
It keeps happening.
I don't know why.
443
00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:08,414
I think the slogan should be "Pawnee: Home of
Crackers, the Orangest Goldfish in Indiana."
444
00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:09,715
Okey-dokey.
LESLIE: No.
445
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:10,914
LARRY: Let me write it down.
446
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:12,217
Who even needs a slogan?
447
00:18:12,291 --> 00:18:14,054
Well, now,
that is an interesting point.
448
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:17,186
No. That's my slogan idea.
"Who Even Needs a Slogan?"
449
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,890
And then, a big picture
of me flipping everybody off.
450
00:18:19,965 --> 00:18:23,423
Let's keep our eye on the
ball here, Douche Nation.
451
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:27,302
"Home of the Stick Up
Leslie Knope's Butt!"
452
00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:29,897
CRAZY IRA: Butt! Stick!
Butt! Stick!
453
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,374
Let's vote on it right now!
454
00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,877
ALL: (CHANTING)
Butt! Stick! Butt! Stick!
455
00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:37,805
Okay, who's next? Yes, ma'am.
456
00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:41,444
This slogan is going to
go on every sign in town.
457
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,251
I think it should be something
real, that we can all be proud of.
458
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:48,760
I've lived in Pawnee my whole life.
And it can be a strange place,
459
00:18:48,827 --> 00:18:52,092
but overall, it's
a warm and wonderful town.
460
00:18:52,164 --> 00:18:56,828
My idea for a slogan is "When
you're here, then you're home".
461
00:18:56,902 --> 00:18:57,926
Well, that's lovely.
462
00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,904
I actually had it printed up so we
could see what it would look like.
463
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,840
You... There's...
That's spelled wrong.
464
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,809
That should be "then,"
T-H-E-N.
465
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:09,177
Stay strong. Let them work it out.
And trust Larry.
466
00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,773
"Trust Larry"? Are you even
listening to yourself?
467
00:19:11,850 --> 00:19:13,784
I like that slogan a lot.
468
00:19:13,852 --> 00:19:16,787
But you made
a little mistake there.
469
00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:19,517
She's gonna work it out.
470
00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:21,559
Back off.
471
00:19:21,627 --> 00:19:23,026
"You're" is spelled wrong.
472
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,495
It should be "Y-O-U-R."
473
00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:27,395
Oops. I didn't catch it.
Thank you.
474
00:19:27,466 --> 00:19:30,560
No, no, no. She made it possessive.
She's getting further away.
475
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:31,967
It's okay.
LARRY: Okay. Let's vote.
476
00:19:32,037 --> 00:19:33,504
All those in favor.
477
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,098
Approved!
478
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,437
(APPLAUSE)
479
00:19:40,946 --> 00:19:42,846
Man, the places
that came on the market today
480
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,815
are way nicer than the
listings we saw yesterday.
481
00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,647
I know. It's crazy,
right? Real estate.
482
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,380
And this property
is under your budget,
483
00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:51,649
and it has everything on
this wish list you gave me.
484
00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:52,883
Except the two helipads.
485
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:54,118
Does it have one helipad?
486
00:19:54,893 --> 00:19:58,294
I don't know. I like it, but
it seems a little small.
487
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:00,558
You know, I think
it just seems small
488
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:02,224
because of all
the heavy furniture.
489
00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:05,828
But that bar is really great.
The lighting is really cool.
490
00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:08,230
I think this is the one.
491
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,309
You know, I think
you're right. I'll do it.
492
00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:14,937
Thanks, April. And hey, bonus,
it's pretty close to City Hall.
493
00:20:15,013 --> 00:20:17,811
You guys can be regulars. I'll
keep a table open for you.
494
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:20,313
And special thanks
to Leslie Knope
495
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:23,650
for once again bringing about
positive change to this town.
496
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:26,782
Pawnee, I present to
you your new slogan.
497
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,519
(ALL APPLAUDING)
498
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:29,822
You fixed the mistakes.
499
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,863
Well, I held it together
for the entire meeting.
500
00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:35,161
Let me have this one. I am
done micromanaging, I promise.
501
00:20:36,435 --> 00:20:38,403
Then, I'm sure you're
okay with the fact that
502
00:20:38,470 --> 00:20:40,665
they installed
the sign the wrong way,
503
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,572
and it's welcoming you
to Pawnee as you're leaving.
504
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:46,270
What? No. Oh, son of a...
505
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:47,869
Hey. You passed the test.
506
00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:50,938
(SIGHS) Honestly, there's
something else I'm worried about.
507
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:53,075
The kind of work that I've
been doing all these years,
508
00:20:53,151 --> 00:20:54,914
the nuts and bolts,
the grunt work,
509
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:56,784
that's the stuff
I know how to do.
510
00:20:56,855 --> 00:20:58,322
What if I take this
National Parks job,
511
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:01,119
and I just fail?
Hmm.
512
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,754
What if I'm not good at it?
Yeah.
513
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:06,821
Leslie, I love you very much.
514
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:10,366
But that's the stupidest thing
you've ever said. (LAUGHS)
515
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:11,766
You'd be amazing,
516
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:14,271
and everyone is going to be in
awe of how amazing you are.
517
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:15,499
So, just shut your mouth.
518
00:21:15,574 --> 00:21:16,666
(LAUGHS)
519
00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:20,469
Hey! Are we
leaving or entering?
520
00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:22,172
We've been driving
around in circles!
521
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:25,581
You're...
522
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:36,500
Ripped By mstoll