1
00:00:01,811 --> 00:00:05,047
Hey, guys, we're here.
2
00:00:05,081 --> 00:00:06,115
Hey.
(yells)
3
00:00:06,149 --> 00:00:08,650
What is the matter with you?
4
00:00:08,685 --> 00:00:09,885
(muffled):
Homemade teeth whitening.
5
00:00:09,919 --> 00:00:11,520
Put a drop of bleach
and some baking soda
6
00:00:11,521 --> 00:00:12,988
in our Halloween teeth.
7
00:00:13,022 --> 00:00:14,223
VIRGINIA:
And wham bam,
8
00:00:14,257 --> 00:00:15,378
our chiclets are whiter than
9
00:00:15,391 --> 00:00:16,859
the cast of "Downtown" Abbey.
10
00:00:16,893 --> 00:00:18,994
If we're gonna be on TV,
we got to look good.
11
00:00:19,028 --> 00:00:21,663
This telethon is gonna be seen
by literally dozens of people.
12
00:00:21,698 --> 00:00:23,866
Oh, right.
The telethon is this year.
13
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,234
A telethon for what?
14
00:00:25,268 --> 00:00:26,568
I don't know what's it's for.
15
00:00:26,603 --> 00:00:28,504
Schools or disease or...
16
00:00:28,538 --> 00:00:30,239
people who drowned
in that salami.
17
00:00:30,273 --> 00:00:31,874
The important thing is
they get their money
18
00:00:31,908 --> 00:00:34,710
and we finally get to
sing our song on TV!
19
00:00:34,744 --> 00:00:36,345
VIRGINIA:
For years, Burt and I tried
20
00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:37,579
to perform our special song
21
00:00:37,614 --> 00:00:39,681
on Natesville's
Quad-Annual Telethon.
22
00:00:39,716 --> 00:00:41,383
This is it, Virginia,
we're up next.
23
00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:42,584
Are you ready?
24
00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:43,986
(yells)
25
00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:46,922
No, I think it's
a higher register, like...
26
00:00:46,956 --> 00:00:48,690
(sings high note)
27
00:00:48,725 --> 00:00:51,760
No. I'm having our baby.
No...
28
00:00:51,795 --> 00:00:53,729
VIRGINIA: But no matter
how many times we tried,
29
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,364
something always
seemed to go wrong.
30
00:00:55,398 --> 00:00:58,000
Also, we just want to thank
Ploppies Fish Dogs
31
00:00:58,034 --> 00:00:59,868
for feeding all of our
hardworking volunteers
32
00:00:59,903 --> 00:01:03,672
with their wonderful
fish-based sausage products.
33
00:01:03,706 --> 00:01:07,042
And now, it's time
for a little song...
34
00:01:07,076 --> 00:01:09,111
from Virginia and Burt Chance.
35
00:01:09,145 --> 00:01:11,580
Good evening, Natesville.
36
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:15,117
What a treat it is to be here
for this wonderful cause.
37
00:01:16,419 --> 00:01:19,555
Now we'd like to
sing a song for you.
38
00:01:19,589 --> 00:01:21,890
Who likes rock and roll?
39
00:01:21,925 --> 00:01:23,959
A-one, a-two...
(Barney coughs)
40
00:01:23,993 --> 00:01:26,995
(choking):
Fish bone. Fish... fish bone.
41
00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:31,266
Okay, I know
we tried this before,
42
00:01:31,301 --> 00:01:34,303
but back again this year,
Virginia and Burt Chance...
43
00:01:34,337 --> 00:01:35,571
Great cause.
Right to the song.
44
00:01:35,605 --> 00:01:37,072
And a-one, and a-two...
45
00:01:37,106 --> 00:01:38,874
MAN (over TV):
Breaking news.
46
00:01:38,908 --> 00:01:40,742
This just in...
47
00:01:40,777 --> 00:01:43,745
This is the first telethon since
we became friends with Barney.
48
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:46,648
So we are guaranteed
to get on the air.
49
00:01:46,683 --> 00:01:49,318
Why's it such a big deal to sing
your song on a local telethon?
50
00:01:49,352 --> 00:01:51,286
We know we're amazing singers.
51
00:01:51,321 --> 00:01:54,256
But now, through the
magic of television...
52
00:01:54,290 --> 00:01:55,757
the whole world will know.
53
00:01:55,792 --> 00:01:57,826
This will finally
legitimize us as people.
54
00:01:57,861 --> 00:02:00,062
I think you guys might be
putting too much weight on TV.
55
00:02:01,331 --> 00:02:03,498
It's just a bunch of people
saying clever quips
56
00:02:03,533 --> 00:02:05,868
followed by
a catchy theme song.
57
00:02:07,203 --> 00:02:08,937
♪ Whoo!
58
00:02:08,972 --> 00:02:13,609
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
59
00:02:15,712 --> 00:02:16,912
Uh-oh.
60
00:02:16,946 --> 00:02:18,780
Bad news.
61
00:02:18,815 --> 00:02:21,783
Either Gil has learned to do
the sidestroke, or he's dead.
62
00:02:21,818 --> 00:02:22,918
(gasps)
63
00:02:22,952 --> 00:02:24,419
Oh, no.
64
00:02:24,454 --> 00:02:28,090
Poor Hope--
she's gonna be so upset.
65
00:02:28,124 --> 00:02:29,591
(sighs) We need your help.
66
00:02:29,626 --> 00:02:31,293
We're in the middle
of a crisis, Mom.
67
00:02:31,327 --> 00:02:32,694
Hope's goldfish died.
68
00:02:32,729 --> 00:02:34,196
That's not a crisis.
69
00:02:34,230 --> 00:02:36,531
A crisis is when they move your
favorite show to Friday night.
70
00:02:36,566 --> 00:02:37,766
Now I don't know
whether Booth and Bones
71
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:38,934
are still boning on Bones.
72
00:02:38,968 --> 00:02:41,003
Or when your granddaughter
swallows a marble
73
00:02:41,037 --> 00:02:43,005
and you go to the hospital,
and then you realize
74
00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:45,340
you forgot to VCR your favorite show.
Bones.
75
00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:47,376
Wait, did that
actually happen to Hope?
76
00:02:47,410 --> 00:02:48,410
Don't change the subject.
77
00:02:48,411 --> 00:02:49,711
So about this dead fish,
78
00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:51,513
here's what you do:
don't tell Hope
79
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,849
and just replace it with one
that looks exactly the same.
80
00:02:53,883 --> 00:02:55,817
That's what they do on TV;
it works every time.
81
00:02:55,852 --> 00:02:57,452
Yeah, when they do that
though, it always leads to
82
00:02:57,487 --> 00:02:58,687
complications no one expected.
83
00:02:58,688 --> 00:02:59,848
Yeah, but those complications
84
00:02:59,856 --> 00:03:01,657
always lead to a funny
and heartwarming ending.
85
00:03:01,691 --> 00:03:02,991
Every time.
86
00:03:03,026 --> 00:03:05,360
Or we could take
this opportunity
87
00:03:05,395 --> 00:03:06,862
to teach our daughter
about death.
88
00:03:06,896 --> 00:03:08,864
You guys, not everybody
has to live their lives
89
00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:10,658
like they're characters
on a television show.
90
00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:12,567
What you just said,
that's so Raven.
91
00:03:12,602 --> 00:03:14,303
Wait, so what's happening now?
92
00:03:14,337 --> 00:03:16,305
I invited my new boss over
for dinner tonight,
93
00:03:16,339 --> 00:03:19,341
so I need to pretend that
Burt and I live here...
94
00:03:19,375 --> 00:03:21,310
and you guys are
the maid and butler.
95
00:03:21,344 --> 00:03:22,425
Yeah, we're not doing that.
96
00:03:22,822 --> 00:03:24,822
We already have a full house.
I don't want to spend
97
00:03:24,847 --> 00:03:26,214
the whole night trying
to figure out who's the boss.
98
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:28,650
Especially when we have
family matters to discuss.
99
00:03:28,685 --> 00:03:30,352
Fine, but we need to
borrow your dining room table.
100
00:03:30,386 --> 00:03:31,586
'Cause not all of us were born
101
00:03:31,621 --> 00:03:33,288
with silver spoons
in our mouths.
102
00:03:35,391 --> 00:03:36,992
Good times.
103
00:03:37,026 --> 00:03:39,194
VIRGINIA: This dinner
is my opportunity
104
00:03:39,228 --> 00:03:40,662
to show Louise
I have what it takes
105
00:03:40,697 --> 00:03:42,064
to be Regional
Assistant Manager.
106
00:03:42,098 --> 00:03:43,765
Don't be nervous,
just be yourself.
107
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:44,833
What are you, crazy?
108
00:03:44,867 --> 00:03:46,401
I can't be myself
and neither can you.
109
00:03:46,436 --> 00:03:48,070
We got to be whatever they want us to be.
(doorbell rings)
110
00:03:48,104 --> 00:03:50,138
Whatever they say or do,
just go with it.
111
00:03:52,709 --> 00:03:54,443
LOUISE:
Oh! Oh! (laughs)
112
00:03:54,477 --> 00:03:56,378
Oh! Oh! Virginia!
113
00:03:56,412 --> 00:03:57,512
Louise!
114
00:03:57,547 --> 00:03:58,714
Oh!
115
00:03:58,748 --> 00:04:00,882
(both laughing)
116
00:04:00,917 --> 00:04:02,250
Oh, and who's this
117
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,252
smoking hunk of beef?
(groans)
118
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:06,455
Uh, my husband, Burt.
119
00:04:06,489 --> 00:04:07,456
And who's this
120
00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:10,192
slow... roasted...
pork shoulder?
121
00:04:10,226 --> 00:04:12,260
You're doing great.
122
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,229
That's my husband, Talon.
123
00:04:14,263 --> 00:04:16,965
And I know it looks like
there's a big age difference,
124
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,402
but that's just because
I can still pull young tail.
125
00:04:22,939 --> 00:04:23,905
(laughing loudly)
126
00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:26,174
(laughter)
127
00:04:28,478 --> 00:04:30,912
I hope everybody likes
Howdy's special blend
128
00:04:30,947 --> 00:04:32,647
of instant dark roast.
129
00:04:32,682 --> 00:04:34,249
I do, but none for Talon.
130
00:04:34,283 --> 00:04:35,917
Too bitter.
131
00:04:35,952 --> 00:04:38,653
Oh, hey, you got any of that
hot chocolate with the, uh,
132
00:04:38,688 --> 00:04:40,155
little marshmallows in it?
133
00:04:40,189 --> 00:04:42,657
Uh... I've got
chocolate syrup and water,
134
00:04:42,692 --> 00:04:45,160
and I can pick the marshmallow
charms out of the cereal.
135
00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:47,329
Works for Talon.
136
00:04:47,363 --> 00:04:49,498
You remember
what we talked about?
137
00:04:49,532 --> 00:04:51,633
No third person?
138
00:04:53,669 --> 00:04:55,737
Now, go help Burt.
139
00:04:55,772 --> 00:04:58,040
Ladies need to talk business.
140
00:05:02,712 --> 00:05:04,713
So, what's your allowance?
141
00:05:05,782 --> 00:05:06,822
Would you like some cream?
142
00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:08,483
No, I take it black.
143
00:05:08,518 --> 00:05:09,985
No, I know. Me, too.
144
00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:11,219
Of course. Yeah.
145
00:05:15,291 --> 00:05:16,425
Mmm.
146
00:05:16,459 --> 00:05:19,027
You know, Virginia...
Yeah.
147
00:05:19,062 --> 00:05:22,030
...I started out as a maid,
just like you.
148
00:05:23,132 --> 00:05:24,866
You remind me a lot of myself.
149
00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:28,036
Yeah, there's not a lot
of white blonde maids.
150
00:05:28,071 --> 00:05:30,305
Virginia, that's
a little racist.
151
00:05:30,339 --> 00:05:31,506
Uh-huh.
152
00:05:31,541 --> 00:05:32,674
I love it.
153
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,309
(both laugh)
154
00:05:34,343 --> 00:05:36,111
And I like you!
155
00:05:36,145 --> 00:05:38,947
We should get to know
each other better.
156
00:05:38,981 --> 00:05:40,348
You like squash?
157
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:42,017
Squash.
158
00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,019
I... Well, I love squash.
159
00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:45,287
Mm-hmm.
160
00:05:45,321 --> 00:05:46,455
Squash is a game?
161
00:05:46,489 --> 00:05:47,456
I guess so.
162
00:05:47,490 --> 00:05:48,557
That makes no sense.
163
00:05:48,591 --> 00:05:49,724
I know.
164
00:05:49,759 --> 00:05:51,059
If any vegetable
deserves its own game,
165
00:05:51,094 --> 00:05:52,294
it's the potato.
166
00:05:52,328 --> 00:05:53,695
It's the basis of
everything delicious.
167
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:55,130
It's given us the baked,
168
00:05:55,164 --> 00:05:57,966
the mashed, the fried,
the totted.
169
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:58,967
What is squash?
170
00:05:59,001 --> 00:06:00,335
Au gratin.
171
00:06:00,369 --> 00:06:01,970
Looks like
a rich man's handball,
172
00:06:02,004 --> 00:06:03,839
and they play with these
skinny little tennis racquets.
173
00:06:03,873 --> 00:06:05,540
Oh, no. Ugh.
174
00:06:05,575 --> 00:06:06,875
If I'm horrible,
175
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,643
I'll make a fool of myself
176
00:06:08,678 --> 00:06:11,513
and ruin all the progress
I just made with my new boss.
177
00:06:11,547 --> 00:06:14,182
My career will be over
before it's even started.
178
00:06:14,217 --> 00:06:16,184
This is a complication
that was entirely unexpected.
179
00:06:16,219 --> 00:06:17,452
(sighs) Lord.
180
00:06:19,381 --> 00:06:22,049
After hitting the
front wall first,
181
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:25,052
the ball may hit any
other number of walls
182
00:06:25,086 --> 00:06:27,955
before landing in the
opponent's quarter court.
183
00:06:27,989 --> 00:06:29,857
I'm telling you, this game
would be a lot more fun
184
00:06:29,891 --> 00:06:31,625
if it was just people throwing
squashes at each other.
185
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,427
How about fat people
sitting on each other?
186
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:35,396
That's two games right there
that deserve to be called squash
187
00:06:35,430 --> 00:06:36,563
more than this one.
188
00:06:36,598 --> 00:06:38,532
Yeah, I think I'm just gonna...
189
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:40,401
Ow! Ow, my ankle!
190
00:06:40,435 --> 00:06:43,036
Are you okay?
191
00:06:43,071 --> 00:06:44,238
Great, you bought it.
192
00:06:44,272 --> 00:06:45,906
Now I can fake an injury.
193
00:06:45,940 --> 00:06:48,108
(chuckles) No, I didn't buy it.
194
00:06:48,143 --> 00:06:50,043
I just thought we were
role playing, uh,
195
00:06:50,078 --> 00:06:51,545
injured lady and paramedic
196
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,147
who likes to hook up
with injured lady.
197
00:06:53,181 --> 00:06:54,948
No, but keep
that one filed away.
198
00:06:55,984 --> 00:06:57,451
I found my old squash racquet.
199
00:06:57,485 --> 00:06:58,819
Yeah.
Oh.
200
00:06:58,853 --> 00:07:01,155
I have got a lot
of really great squash stories.
201
00:07:01,189 --> 00:07:02,823
So, how's it going
with the fish?
202
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,091
Being honest was a bust.
203
00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:06,226
Knew it. Told you
since you were a kid,
204
00:07:06,261 --> 00:07:08,295
truth is overrated.
205
00:07:08,329 --> 00:07:10,931
Yeah, about that fish--
tell us exactly what happened.
206
00:07:10,965 --> 00:07:11,999
We had a funeral.
207
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:13,834
Please watch over Gilly
208
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:17,237
as he swims in that
great bowl in the sky,
209
00:07:17,272 --> 00:07:19,273
and...
210
00:07:19,307 --> 00:07:20,574
(toilet flushes)
211
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:23,644
(laughs)
212
00:07:23,678 --> 00:07:25,345
Well, now that
she's flushed him,
213
00:07:25,380 --> 00:07:27,581
in order to replace him,
you're gonna have to tell her
214
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:29,683
that it swam through the pipes
and up the sink.
215
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,278
Kids are dumb.
They'll believe anything.
216
00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:32,519
No, it's not
that hard to believe.
217
00:07:32,554 --> 00:07:34,087
I remember when I was a kid,
218
00:07:34,122 --> 00:07:37,191
my fish swam out of the sink
at least five...
219
00:07:37,225 --> 00:07:38,659
Aw, man.
220
00:07:38,693 --> 00:07:40,127
See?
221
00:07:40,161 --> 00:07:41,962
See, that is how a little girl
222
00:07:41,996 --> 00:07:43,630
should react when her pet dies.
223
00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:45,432
But Hope--
she just giggled.
224
00:07:45,467 --> 00:07:46,867
It was creepy.
225
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:48,969
Well, she is the child
of a serial killer.
226
00:07:49,003 --> 00:07:51,338
I love her, but I got to admit,
when I'm alone with her,
227
00:07:51,372 --> 00:07:53,040
I always have an exit strategy.
228
00:07:53,074 --> 00:07:55,309
It was our fault. I mean, we
never made her take care of it,
229
00:07:55,343 --> 00:07:56,704
so she never
connected emotionally.
230
00:07:56,711 --> 00:07:58,979
Right. So we got her
Gilly the Second.
231
00:07:59,013 --> 00:08:01,114
And this time she's been feeding
it and taking care of it.
232
00:08:01,149 --> 00:08:02,683
I'm sure that's gonna
help her forge a bond.
233
00:08:02,717 --> 00:08:04,651
Yeah. So when it dies,
she'll cry.
234
00:08:04,686 --> 00:08:06,686
Instead of laughing
and flushing it down the toilet
235
00:08:06,688 --> 00:08:07,821
with her dead shark eyes.
236
00:08:09,257 --> 00:08:10,691
Dead fish. Dead fish.
237
00:08:10,725 --> 00:08:11,892
What?
238
00:08:11,926 --> 00:08:13,727
Ugh.
239
00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:15,629
We just bought that fish
yesterday.
240
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:18,699
Flush the fish. Flush the fish.
241
00:08:18,733 --> 00:08:20,234
(laughs)
242
00:08:20,268 --> 00:08:21,702
I'm scared to say it,
243
00:08:21,736 --> 00:08:23,376
but I think she's taking
after her mother.
244
00:08:23,404 --> 00:08:25,005
I-I'm sure she just didn't
connect with it
245
00:08:25,039 --> 00:08:27,241
because she can't hold it
or pet it.
246
00:08:27,275 --> 00:08:29,376
I mean, you can't hug a fish.
247
00:08:29,410 --> 00:08:31,211
Something my parents should
have told me before giving me
248
00:08:31,246 --> 00:08:33,146
Guppy Goldberg-- may
she rest in peace.
249
00:08:33,181 --> 00:08:35,682
Maybe we should just get her a
pet that's cuddlier than a fish.
250
00:08:35,717 --> 00:08:38,151
You know? Something soft,
but durable.
251
00:08:38,186 --> 00:08:39,386
Like a pioneer woman.
252
00:08:39,420 --> 00:08:41,588
Okay, one, I was
talking about a hamster.
253
00:08:41,623 --> 00:08:44,258
Two, your Dr. Quinn fantasy
is not happening.
254
00:08:47,095 --> 00:08:49,029
(bell rings)
255
00:08:49,063 --> 00:08:51,198
It's a local telethon, Josie;
we don't have enough space
256
00:08:51,232 --> 00:08:52,733
to recreate The Hunger Games.
257
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:54,501
You suck, Barney.
258
00:08:54,536 --> 00:08:56,069
Well, I...
259
00:08:57,305 --> 00:08:59,273
Oh, great, you're here.
260
00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:00,741
You and Virginia
ready to rehearse?
261
00:09:00,775 --> 00:09:02,342
Well, Virginia's not here yet.
262
00:09:02,377 --> 00:09:03,677
But she will be here soon,
263
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,512
and I promise
we'll be ready to rock.
264
00:09:05,547 --> 00:09:06,947
This means a lot to both of us.
265
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:08,282
Oh, well, great.
266
00:09:08,316 --> 00:09:09,583
Well, let me know
when she arrives,
267
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:11,184
because we're
rehearsing in order,
268
00:09:11,219 --> 00:09:14,288
and you're on right after
Dancin' Dan jumps the shark.
269
00:09:14,322 --> 00:09:15,756
Oh, come on, Barney.
270
00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:17,257
You know no one's
gonna be watching
271
00:09:17,292 --> 00:09:19,359
after Dancin' Dan
jumps the shark.
272
00:09:19,394 --> 00:09:21,361
Everyone will stop
watching long before that.
273
00:09:21,396 --> 00:09:23,564
Probably sometime during the
act when Seamus O'Flathery
274
00:09:23,598 --> 00:09:26,066
counts to a thousand
in a Mexican accent.
275
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,268
WOMAN (over speakers):
Give a nice warm welcome to...
276
00:09:28,303 --> 00:09:31,038
Wow. Yeah. Uh-huh.
277
00:09:31,072 --> 00:09:33,774
I thought "The Meat Locker" was
a weird name for a sports club.
278
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:35,242
This makes a lot more sense.
279
00:09:35,276 --> 00:09:37,611
I tell my husband
I'm "playing squash"
280
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,913
because I don't want him
to know I'm coming here.
281
00:09:39,948 --> 00:09:40,914
For business.
282
00:09:40,949 --> 00:09:41,982
Here's your meat money.
283
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:43,317
Use it wisely.
284
00:09:43,351 --> 00:09:44,918
Well, thank you.
285
00:09:44,953 --> 00:09:47,387
Yeah, strip clubs aren't
really my idea of fun.
286
00:09:47,422 --> 00:09:50,090
We're here to entertain
the Nakamura sisters.
287
00:09:50,124 --> 00:09:51,892
Just help me close the deal,
288
00:09:51,926 --> 00:09:53,927
and you'll be cruising
in one of those sweet
289
00:09:53,962 --> 00:09:56,463
pink company sedans in no time.
290
00:09:56,497 --> 00:09:58,932
I've always wanted the
status that goes along
291
00:09:58,967 --> 00:10:00,734
with riding around
town in one of those.
292
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,402
Well, here's
your chance to get it.
293
00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:04,838
Now go over there
and show those Nakamura sisters
294
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:06,807
how to have a good time.
295
00:10:06,841 --> 00:10:09,443
No problem. I speak
a little Japanese.
296
00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:11,478
Really?
Yeah.
297
00:10:14,015 --> 00:10:16,016
(Nakamura sisters laughing)
298
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:23,957
(both laugh)
299
00:10:23,992 --> 00:10:25,559
(speaks Japanese)
300
00:10:27,662 --> 00:10:29,696
Spend 25 years watching
Japanese horror movies,
301
00:10:29,731 --> 00:10:31,498
you pick up a thing or two.
302
00:10:31,532 --> 00:10:33,734
Well...
303
00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:37,811
(kettle whistling)
304
00:10:40,232 --> 00:10:42,115
Hey, Virginia,
where have you been?
305
00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:43,617
(sighs) I'm sorry, Burt.
306
00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:45,331
I know I missed rehearsal
for the telethon.
307
00:10:45,382 --> 00:10:48,051
Louise dragged me
to a male strip club.
308
00:10:48,085 --> 00:10:50,520
What? What about your fear
of man thongs?
309
00:10:50,554 --> 00:10:51,854
Louise says in order
to be successful
310
00:10:51,889 --> 00:10:53,523
you need to conquer your fears.
311
00:10:53,855 --> 00:10:55,696
Besides, they didn't keep 'em on
for very long.
312
00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,622
Hey, you remember
little Billy Watkins
313
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,124
who used to live
down the street?
314
00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,341
Sure.
Well, he's all grown up now.
315
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,695
Why would your boss take you
to a place like that?
316
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,463
Because she's teaching me
317
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,599
that business doesn't just
get done in the boardroom.
318
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:10,302
It happens at the Steak House,
the Nineteenth Hole,
319
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,803
and the Old Boys' Club,
320
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,205
which, by the way,
are also male strip clubs.
321
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,674
What Natesville lacks
in adult literacy,
322
00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:17,842
it makes up for
in adult entertainment.
323
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:20,478
Louise thinks I have it in me
to be more than just crew chief.
324
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,681
She thinks I could climb
all the way to the top.
325
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,517
Apparently, there's a beautiful
glass ceiling up there.
326
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:27,619
A glass ceiling?
That sounds dangerous.
327
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:29,621
I'm surprised they'd let
a woman up there.
328
00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:30,655
Right?
329
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,524
Anyway, I'm exhausted.
330
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:34,459
Hey, we got
to practice our song.
331
00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:36,461
We'll be fine.
Oh, and I got to meet you
332
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:38,697
at the telethon tomorrow. I got
a meeting at the Meat Locker.
333
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:41,466
And before that we're gonna grab
a bite at the Sausage Factory,
334
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,703
which I'm praying
is a breakfast place.
335
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:48,740
(squeaking)
336
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,342
Thanks again for letting us use
337
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,243
one of your mice
as a pet for Hope.
338
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:54,746
And we promise, we'll make a
good home for Mr. Whiskers.
339
00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:57,248
Please. Mr. Whiskers
was his father.
340
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,918
He prefers to be called Len.
Huh.
341
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:02,253
I was gonna feed him
to my snake anyway.
342
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,388
Doesn't naming him
make it harder
343
00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:04,656
to feed him to your snake?
344
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,324
Some people feel that way,
345
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:09,461
but I believe it gives him
a quiet dignity in death.
346
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,930
Hey, Hope!
347
00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:13,644
You want to come meet
your new best friend?
348
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,368
All right.
349
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:20,905
Look, sweetie.
350
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,907
Isn't it adorable?
351
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:24,909
You want to touch him?
He doesn't bite.
352
00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:26,378
No.
353
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:28,413
Whoa.
354
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,914
Your kid is cold.
355
00:12:29,949 --> 00:12:31,716
Even I think Len's cute,
356
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,753
and I was gonna watch him get
slowly digested over ten hours.
357
00:12:36,889 --> 00:12:39,190
Come on, Natesville.
If you donate over ten dollars,
358
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:40,392
we'll send you this wonderful
359
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,861
Howdy's tote bag.
360
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:45,697
Son of a bitch! I think
that freakin' can broke my toe.
361
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:47,265
You guys are up next, Burt.
362
00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:49,701
But Virginia's not here yet.
I can't go on without her.
363
00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:51,102
Where is she?
I don't know.
364
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:52,303
She promised she'd be here.
365
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,105
Well, she's not
and we can't wait.
366
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,207
White Morgan Freeman
is almost finished miming
367
00:12:56,242 --> 00:12:59,110
all of regular Morgan Freeman's
greatest roles.
368
00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:01,546
See? He's done his
Driving Miss Daisy.
369
00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:04,883
And his Shawshank is just him
air-hugging Tim Robbins.
370
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:08,353
Hey. Go tell Dancin' Dan
and the shark to get ready.
371
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:12,023
Oh, come on.
372
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,260
(rock music playing,
women whooping)
373
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,594
Thanks, Jackhammer.
374
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,129
Nice to see you, Mrs. Chance.
375
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,465
You, too, Billy.
Tell your mom I said hi.
376
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:21,800
Will do.
377
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,334
So, like I was saying,
378
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:25,170
Knock Knock Knock has
379
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:28,173
the lowest prices,
the pinkest uniforms,
380
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:32,143
and... we hate
dolphins, too.
381
00:13:33,045 --> 00:13:34,345
(quietly):
Hey, uh, FYI,
382
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,815
the dolphin talk is kind
of a sensitive subject.
383
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:38,483
Oh, gotcha. Yeah.
384
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:40,852
So, um, hey, Pearl Harbor.
385
00:13:42,788 --> 00:13:44,522
What a great movie, huh?
386
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,325
(laughter)
387
00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:52,030
You are killing it.
388
00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:55,834
Kyoko told me she wants to fly
us to Vegas on her father's jet.
389
00:13:55,868 --> 00:13:57,302
Hey, ladies,
390
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,438
I think there might be
a storm front moving in,
391
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:04,642
because here comes the rain!
392
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,679
(whooping)
393
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:10,115
How about you?
394
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:11,549
No, no, no, no, no, no,
395
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,219
no, no.
(chuckles)
396
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,656
(gasps)
Oh, my God! I forgot!
397
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:22,060
I-I have to go. Um, I'm supposed
to be at the telethon with Burt.
398
00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:24,295
You can't leave.
This is business.
399
00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:26,798
I'll just be a few minutes.
Really. I promised my husband.
400
00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:28,666
Husbands are expendable.
401
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,168
You think Talon's
my first husband?
402
00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:33,171
He's not even my first Talon.
403
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:36,141
Besides, you can do
a lot better than Burt.
404
00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:37,408
Now, you just stay put
405
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,977
and earn that pink sedan.
406
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,813
Listen, lady,
you can take that pink sedan
407
00:14:41,847 --> 00:14:44,482
and park it
in your brown garage.
408
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:49,053
For your information,
my garage is bleached.
409
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:51,723
I'm gonna give you one
more chance to sit down
410
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:54,926
and let some strange man
rub his junk all over you,
411
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,928
or you can forget
about that promotion.
412
00:14:56,962 --> 00:15:00,765
There's only one strange man
I let rub his junk on me,
413
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:02,567
and that's my slow cousin
Jeffrey,
414
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,068
because he doesn't know
any better.
415
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:06,070
Did I make it?
416
00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:08,373
Yeah. Yeah, Dan, you made it.
417
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,708
It's now or never. You and
Virginia are on, Burt.
418
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,443
I can't. She's still not here.
419
00:15:12,478 --> 00:15:14,445
Well, we got to put
something on the air.
420
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,581
Right now, the people
at home are just watching
421
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:18,416
a dazed shark eat a cape.
422
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:20,051
The pledges have stopped, Burt.
423
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,586
We have got to move
that tote board.
424
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,888
Wait. This is on TV.
425
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,057
That means everything
has to work out.
426
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,960
Virginia's gonna burst
through that door any second.
427
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,663
Right... now!
428
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,600
Or... now!
429
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,438
Now?
430
00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:42,774
Geez, Burt, you're
bringing me down
431
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:44,876
even more than that act
that was a six-year-old girl
432
00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:46,611
talking about her
parents' divorce.
433
00:15:47,913 --> 00:15:49,280
Nobody move.
434
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:50,481
WOMAN:
It's the cops.
435
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,483
This club is operating
without a license.
436
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,886
We're gonna need statements
from all of you.
437
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,321
(groans) I can't believe this.
438
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:58,356
I'm stuck in the Meat Locker!
439
00:16:02,848 --> 00:16:04,815
(clears throat) Uh...
440
00:16:04,850 --> 00:16:07,752
this is a little song
I usually sing with my wife.
441
00:16:07,786 --> 00:16:10,921
Tonight, I'm going solo.
442
00:16:10,956 --> 00:16:13,324
I think it should work out
just the same.
443
00:16:13,358 --> 00:16:16,360
("Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
playing)
444
00:16:26,471 --> 00:16:28,873
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
445
00:16:34,479 --> 00:16:37,681
♪ Oh, honey, if I get restless
446
00:16:43,488 --> 00:16:45,489
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
447
00:16:50,829 --> 00:16:54,331
♪ Oh, honey, when you knock
on my door... ♪
448
00:16:58,170 --> 00:16:59,870
Hey, Hope, look.
449
00:16:59,905 --> 00:17:02,373
Now that Len can follow you
in his go-ball,
450
00:17:02,407 --> 00:17:03,941
you two can be best friends!
451
00:17:03,975 --> 00:17:05,476
(sighs) Jimmy,
this is pointless.
452
00:17:05,510 --> 00:17:07,478
I really don't
think Hope cares.
453
00:17:07,512 --> 00:17:08,979
I mean,
454
00:17:09,014 --> 00:17:11,348
look at this drawing
that she's doing.
455
00:17:11,383 --> 00:17:12,850
JIMMY:
That's interesting.
456
00:17:12,884 --> 00:17:15,186
(sighs)
I'll call Frank to pick up Len.
457
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:18,222
In the meantime, I'm gonna
move him somewhere safer.
458
00:17:25,730 --> 00:17:28,532
(screams, grunts)
459
00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:30,167
Oh, my God. Jimmy.
(Jimmy groans)
460
00:17:30,202 --> 00:17:31,302
Daddy!
461
00:17:31,336 --> 00:17:33,704
I'm okay.
(grunts)
462
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,674
(groans)
463
00:17:36,708 --> 00:17:38,809
Oh.
464
00:17:38,844 --> 00:17:42,680
Well, she does care
about one stupid animal.
465
00:17:42,714 --> 00:17:43,747
(chuckles)
466
00:17:43,782 --> 00:17:45,749
Me.
(chuckles)
467
00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:48,352
Can we go to the concussion?
468
00:17:48,386 --> 00:17:49,753
I think I have a hospital.
469
00:17:50,956 --> 00:17:52,957
("Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
playing)
470
00:17:55,026 --> 00:17:58,062
♪ Don't go breaking my heart
471
00:17:58,096 --> 00:18:01,866
♪ I won't go breaking
your heart... ♪
472
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:03,567
Okay, thank you,
473
00:18:03,602 --> 00:18:06,437
Burt Chance,
for those seven renditions
474
00:18:06,471 --> 00:18:07,905
of "Don't Go
Breaking My Heart."
475
00:18:07,939 --> 00:18:10,007
(quietly): People are taking
back their donations.
476
00:18:10,041 --> 00:18:12,109
(quietly): I'm sorry, Barney;
I thought she'd be here by now.
477
00:18:12,144 --> 00:18:15,346
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
478
00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,181
I really screwed up tonight.
479
00:18:17,215 --> 00:18:18,455
That's okay. I knew you'd come.
480
00:18:18,483 --> 00:18:20,050
No, it's not okay.
481
00:18:20,085 --> 00:18:21,886
I got so caught up in my job
482
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,721
that I forgot
about what's important.
483
00:18:23,755 --> 00:18:25,923
Well, what about your promotion
and your pink car
484
00:18:25,957 --> 00:18:27,424
and your glass ceiling?
485
00:18:27,459 --> 00:18:29,226
None of that matters, Burt.
486
00:18:29,261 --> 00:18:32,129
I'm so sorry.
487
00:18:32,164 --> 00:18:35,666
I got seduced by the glamour of
assistant regional management.
488
00:18:36,935 --> 00:18:38,736
But I'm gonna make a pledge.
489
00:18:38,770 --> 00:18:42,273
I'll never stand you up again.
490
00:18:44,276 --> 00:18:46,644
(phones ringing)
491
00:18:46,678 --> 00:18:49,313
Keep kissing!
People love it!
492
00:18:49,347 --> 00:18:51,782
Grope her for charity!
(chuckles)
493
00:18:52,984 --> 00:18:55,386
Do you mind singing
our song one last time?
494
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:56,453
I'd love to.
495
00:18:56,488 --> 00:18:58,455
("Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
playing)
496
00:18:58,490 --> 00:19:00,391
(bell dinging)
BARNEY: Oh, yeah!
497
00:19:00,425 --> 00:19:02,393
We did it! We're all going home!
498
00:19:02,427 --> 00:19:04,395
Good night, Natesville!
Roll the credits!
499
00:19:04,429 --> 00:19:05,396
(chuckles)
500
00:19:05,430 --> 00:19:06,764
(crowd cheering)
501
00:19:06,798 --> 00:19:08,332
ANNOUNCER:
Thank you for your pledges.
502
00:19:08,366 --> 00:19:12,069
Make sure to visit
the Museum of Medical Devices.
503
00:19:12,103 --> 00:19:14,071
From here on out,
it's just Barney and Dan
504
00:19:14,105 --> 00:19:16,073
beating a shark to
death on live TV.
505
00:19:16,107 --> 00:19:17,808
But you didn't get
to sing your song together.
506
00:19:17,842 --> 00:19:19,910
The important thing is
we learned something
507
00:19:19,945 --> 00:19:22,146
about our relationship
that we wouldn't have learned
508
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:23,681
if we'd never been on TV.
509
00:19:23,715 --> 00:19:25,282
Like I learned that you can't
510
00:19:25,317 --> 00:19:27,952
let focusing on your job get
in the way of being together.
511
00:19:27,986 --> 00:19:30,454
And it worked out in a clever
and unexpected way
512
00:19:30,488 --> 00:19:32,423
because we did it
the way they do on TV.
513
00:19:32,457 --> 00:19:34,337
We didn't replace Hope's fish
with a look-alike,
514
00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,660
and everything worked out great
for us, too.
515
00:19:36,695 --> 00:19:39,296
Yeah. And it turns out
Hope does have compassion.
516
00:19:39,331 --> 00:19:40,864
She's just not a pet person.
517
00:19:40,899 --> 00:19:43,334
You two did everything
the way they do it on TV.
518
00:19:43,368 --> 00:19:45,436
You just don't know it.
What you talking 'bout?
519
00:19:45,470 --> 00:19:48,272
Perhaps you remember a show
called That's My Munchkin.
520
00:19:48,306 --> 00:19:49,273
That's not a real show.
521
00:19:49,307 --> 00:19:50,474
Actually, it was.
522
00:19:50,508 --> 00:19:52,376
I loved That's My Munchkin.
523
00:19:52,410 --> 00:19:53,711
They only made four episodes,
524
00:19:53,745 --> 00:19:56,513
but Jimmy watched every one
about a thousand times.
525
00:20:02,064 --> 00:20:05,856
Don't worry, Buddy,
you'll be safe up here.
526
00:20:07,058 --> 00:20:09,860
(grunts) Whoa!
527
00:20:09,894 --> 00:20:11,962
(canned laughter)
528
00:20:11,997 --> 00:20:13,697
Oh, no!
529
00:20:13,732 --> 00:20:16,700
Oh, my God, are you okay?
530
00:20:18,236 --> 00:20:19,236
Daddy!
531
00:20:19,271 --> 00:20:20,704
Well, looks like she does care
532
00:20:20,739 --> 00:20:22,373
about one stupid animal.
533
00:20:22,407 --> 00:20:24,241
Me.
(canned laughter)
534
00:20:24,276 --> 00:20:26,710
I love you, Daddy.
(audience aahing)
535
00:20:27,746 --> 00:20:30,314
That's my munchkin!
536
00:20:30,348 --> 00:20:31,715
(laughter, cheering)
537
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:33,717
Now can we go to the concussion?
538
00:20:33,752 --> 00:20:35,586
I think I might have a hospital.
539
00:20:35,620 --> 00:20:37,721
(theme music playing,
laughter, applause)
540
00:20:41,026 --> 00:20:43,727
It's not the same.
That's just a coincidence.
541
00:20:43,762 --> 00:20:45,396
Maybe you're right.
I guess your lives
542
00:20:45,430 --> 00:20:47,564
really don't resemble
anything on TV.
543
00:20:48,566 --> 00:20:50,934
(all yawning)
544
00:20:50,969 --> 00:20:53,270
So, what's everybody
up to next week?
545
00:20:53,305 --> 00:20:54,772
Not much.
546
00:20:54,806 --> 00:20:56,206
I'm gonna pretend
to be Barney's girlfriend
547
00:20:56,241 --> 00:20:57,708
while his moms come
to visit town.
548
00:20:57,742 --> 00:21:00,711
Hmm. I got to go meet my
pregnant friend in an elevator.
549
00:21:00,745 --> 00:21:02,112
We couldn't think
of anything new to do,
550
00:21:02,147 --> 00:21:03,781
so we're just gonna
make a family video.
551
00:21:03,815 --> 00:21:05,783
You know, clip together
some of our favorite moments
552
00:21:05,817 --> 00:21:07,618
from over the years.
That sounds boring.
553
00:21:07,652 --> 00:21:09,186
Oh, no. We're gonna talk
in between the clips
554
00:21:09,220 --> 00:21:10,421
to spice it up a little.
555
00:21:10,455 --> 00:21:12,423
Oh.
556
00:21:13,118 --> 00:21:18,912
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com