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NARRATOR: There are
many places we could begin
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the next chapter of
the legend of Ron Burgundy.
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This is one such place.
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[Screaming]
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However, we won't
begin our tale here.
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No, our story begins in a
place all newsmen dream of.
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In New York City.
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[Upbeat rap music playing]
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Ron Burgundy!
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That lady's got an ass
like the Loch Ness Monster.
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Thing is mysterious
and ever sought after.
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Ron, aren't you going to
say something to him?
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Hey, when you've got an
ass like the North Star,
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Wise men are going to want
to follow it. [Scoffs]
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NARRATOR: It was a time before
cell phones and steroids.
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And for Ron and his now-wife
Veronica, life was good.
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RON: The Tooth Fairy's exposed
breast made the child uncomfortable.
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[Clears throat] The Bishop wore
buttless chaps to the bat mitzvah.
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Bat mitzvah.
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The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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The garden gnome
had a normal-size penis.
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[Veronica whooping]
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Corningstone.
Corningstone.
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[Doing vocal exercises]
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[In shrill voice]
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!
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They're coming in through
the back door! Oh, no!
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[WBC news theme music playing]
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Oh, no!
[Singing]
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Grab the children!
Save the children!
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Five, four...
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Have a great broadcast.
You, too, darling.
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[Mouthing]
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Good evening. This is the weekend
edition of WBC News at 6:30.
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I'm Ron Burgundy.
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And I'm Veronica Corningstone.
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Our top story tonight.
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The UN today announced
sanctions against...
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When the broadcast is over,
send these two up to my office.
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Time to make a change.
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[Dinging]
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Rumor has it that after 35
years of manning the helm,
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Mack Tannen is thinking
about stepping down.
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That's right.
[Exhales]
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Do you...
Do you think we could be...
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We could be getting
the Nightly News, Ron?
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I think that's exactly
what's about to happen.
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Oh, my God.
That's what's happening, isn't it?
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I'm hyperventilating.
Yes, I see that.
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[Hyperventilating]
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Look at me.
[Laughing]
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Oh, you... well.
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I'm laughing like a
ventriloquist's dummy.
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You are.
[Laughing]
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Let's stop that before
we get in there.
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Don't do that in there, darling.
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VERONICA: Mr. Tannen,
you are an inspiration, sir.
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I've been doing the evening
news now for over 35 years.
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Done a hell of a job.
Yes, sir.
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A hell of a job!
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I've gone through four wives.
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I have six or seven kids that I haven't
got the time to tell I love them.
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To be honest, they
sound a little needy.
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And I killed four men in Okinawa.
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WW II
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And that was two weeks ago.
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The point is,
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this is a very demanding job.
Yes.
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But I'm close to thinking that
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you may have what it takes.
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Now, let me look at you.
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Oh, my God.
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Would it be wrong to say
you smell terrific?
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Ron, please!
Okay.
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What are you?
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Finnish?
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Oddly enough, I'm 100%
full-blown Mexican.
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From the state of Oaxaca.
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VERONICA: No, you're not, honey.
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Hello, sir. Oh, my heart is racing.
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MACK: Hmm.
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I just have to say, this is
super creepy and unorthodox.
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You like-a da merchandise, huh?
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Sorry.
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All right.
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We're about to make
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network news history.
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Veronica.
Yes?
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You're going to be
the first female full-time
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network news anchor.
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Oh, my goodness!
Oh! I knew it.
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And you, Mr. Burgundy...
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I'm going to be the first
lactose intolerant anchor.
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Mr. Burgundy.
Yes?
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You're fired.
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Come again?
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Fired.
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You are the worst anchorman
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I have ever seen.
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But what did I do wrong?
Name one thing.
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[Yelling] Korean soldiers
were fired upon in the DMZ!
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Oh. Jeez, I am so sorry.
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Someone put the story
in all capital letters,
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and I... I thought
I was supposed to yell it.
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President Parter...
Ah, shit! [Sighs]
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I mean, president Carter
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will speak at the summit Tuesday.
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Tony, did I just curse?
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Are you kidding me? Shit!
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I mean... shit. Shoot!
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The slain civil rights leader
was eulogized... [Sneezes]
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VERONICA: Oh!
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Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Right on the lens!
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Folks, I'm sorry.
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I hold myself to
a high professional standard
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and you shouldn't hear
that language, okay?
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I'm having a shitty day.
Oh, fuck-stick!
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Now, I know this is tricky,
given your relationship,
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so I'm going to give you the
evening to think about it.
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I forbid it!
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You forbid it?
What? Who are you? Julius Caesar?
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Who the hell is Julius Caesar?
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You know I don't follow the NBA.
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Look, I am so sorry
that this happened, Ron,
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but you and I, we're
partners, sweetheart.
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And when something good happens
to me, it also happens to you.
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That's ridiculous!
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It clearly just happened to you!
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You... Oh! Be quiet.
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[Footsteps approaching]
WALTER: Mom?
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LUPITA: I'm sorry, Mr. and
Mrs. Burgundy. He no go to sleep.
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Damn it, Lupita, what have you been
doing up there? Eating nachos?
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Mommy? Daddy?
Why are you yelling at each other?
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Did Mom touch Dad's hair again?
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Walter, honey, why don't you
just go to bed, all right?
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Mommy and Daddy are just
having a discussion.
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No! He needs to hear this.
He's six years old. He's a man.
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Walter, listen to me.
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Life isn't a fairy tale.
It's not a bunch of
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jumping rope and grabbing ass.
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It's complicated.
[Sighs]
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What do you want to do with your life?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
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I want to be an
astronaut or a cowboy!
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You're never going to
be any of those, okay?
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Ron!
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You've got to set
the bar a lot lower.
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Service industry.
Fry cook. Prison guard.
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Maybe you're a lighting
guy at a porn shoot.
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Which basically means you hold up a
flashlight while adults do things.
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He is a child, Ron!
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Nah, nah, nah!
He's got hair on his nugs.
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He's old enough to hear this.
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Your father is a wise man.
I will lock you in a closet!
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Veronica, here's the bottom line.
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It's a very simple decision.
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It's either me or the job.
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It doesn't have
to be a choice, Ron.
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Don't do this.
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Don't throw away everything
that we've worked so hard for.
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Me...
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...or the job.
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SEAWORLD ANNOUNCER: Hello, and welcome
to the 3:10 Dolphin Show at SeaWorld.
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00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:45,658
Sponsored by British Petroleum.
BP Oil, nature's best friend.
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And now, here's your host,
Ron Burgundy.
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Good afternoon, everyone.
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And welcome to
world-famous SeaWorld,
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00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,803
here in San Diago, California.
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Here's a fun fact, dolphins aren't fish.
They're mammals.
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00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:05,211
Here's another fun fact,
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I haven't felt the loving
embrace of a human being
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in over three months.
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[Sobbing]
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I'm so lonely I paid a
hobo to spoon with me.
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Let's bring out our
world-class trainers here,
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Jesse and Paula.
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[Audience cheering]
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Thank you.
Thank you, Ron.
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Sometimes I try to kiss 'em.
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[Both laughing]
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Oh, Ron Burgundy, everyone.
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I want to kiss you.
No.
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Or I'll kiss your friend.
No.
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How about the two trainers kiss
each other? What do you say, huh?
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So, let's say hello to
the stars of the show,
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Chippy and Roo-roo!
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00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:48,988
RON: For your information,
Chippy was rehabilitated
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00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,922
and Roo-roo
is an asshole.
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Ooh!
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Look, they're swimming
and doing tricks!
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Folks, what do you expect?
They're dolphins.
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[Clearing throat]
[Dolphin clicking]
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What did you say?
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00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,635
Look at you,
with that permanent smile.
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00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,737
You think you're so smart,
with your secret language.
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00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,339
You just fart out
of the top of your head.
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00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,940
[Imitates farting]
[Audience booing]
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00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,010
You're a punk, Ron Burgundy!
Boo!
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00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:14,313
Children and animals
hate you, Ron Burgundy!
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00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,083
I would eat dolphins
if it was legal!
199
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,150
Unhand me, you buffoons!
[Grunts]
200
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,123
All right, first, you threw
up in the shark tank.
201
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,826
Then you fed the seals
a chicken gyro?
202
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,229
And now this?
You're fired, you washed-up drunk!
203
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,164
Guess what, Trevor?
204
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,033
Every morning I get
here a half hour early
205
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,369
and I sexually assault a starfish!
206
00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:38,304
[Grunts]
207
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,906
This is the end of the road.
I'm not turning back.
208
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:42,875
[Barking]
209
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,844
Well, I know it's not
a pretty sight.
210
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,385
And you're gonna be
the sole witness.
211
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:49,114
If you can't handle it,
you leave the room.
212
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:52,184
[Sighs] It's too late, Baxter.
213
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,020
[Barking]
214
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,088
I'm going the way
of the ancient samurai
215
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,757
who, when dishonored,
216
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,892
would hang themselves
from a fluorescent light.
217
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,360
[Barking]
218
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,028
Goodbye, my sweet hairy prince.
219
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,132
Oh!
[Glass shattering]
220
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,198
[Groans]
221
00:11:08,434 --> 00:11:09,969
Oh!
222
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,104
Sweet cream on nipples!
223
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:13,873
Uh, Mr. Burgundy?
224
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,875
Hello, I...
Oh, my God!
225
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:19,145
What the hell happened?
226
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,246
Um... Um...
227
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,883
I tried to hang myself?
228
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,316
Because my life's a mess?
229
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,154
And I saw no other option?
230
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,089
I think you're telling the truth,
231
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:32,358
but why are you saying
it like you're lying?
232
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:35,327
It was a call for help?
But it didn't work because
233
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:37,095
I'm too heavy and the
ceiling lamp broke?
234
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,932
Something like that?
235
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,702
Yeah, I... I think you're
telling the truth.
236
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,369
I am.
That's what happened.
237
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,709
RON: Mmm. These are
first-rate flapjacks.
238
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:52,078
I'm telling you, suicide
makes you hungry,
239
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,946
I don't care what anyone says.
240
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,481
My name is Freddie Shapp,
241
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:59,051
and I'm a producer
of a new kind of news.
242
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,220
We're starting
a 24-hour news channel.
243
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,855
First of its kind!
244
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,725
GNN. The Global News Network.
245
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:07,192
[Laughing]
246
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,296
That is without a doubt
247
00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,998
the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
248
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:16,235
You mean news going 24
hours around the clock?
249
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,771
A channel that's never
off, in other words?
250
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:22,475
Yeah. Yeah. Just 24 hours. It's, uh...
[Laughing]
251
00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:26,178
No offence, but you
are a stupid asshole.
252
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:29,882
Mr. Burgundy, I assure you
we are 100% for real.
253
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,318
We've got state-of-the-art
facilities in Manhattan.
254
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,054
And Kench Allenby,
multi-millionaire
255
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,856
and owner of Koala Airlines.
256
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,158
So glad he was acquitted of murder.
257
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,761
I'm a big Kench Allenby guy.
258
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,430
He's funding the whole network.
He believes in it.
259
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,532
I don't think you
understand, Freddie.
260
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,401
My hero, Mack Tannen, told me
261
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:52,036
I was the worst journalist
he'd ever seen.
262
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:55,241
I'm not good enough.
263
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:56,876
Here.
264
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,010
This is your first week's salary.
265
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,615
By the hymen of Olivia Newton-John!
266
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,650
What do you say, Ron?
267
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,189
I'll take the job.
268
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,191
And I swear I'll be
number one again.
269
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,328
I'll take back my son,
270
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,264
restore my reputation,
271
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,199
and make everything
right with Veronica.
272
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,234
But more importantly,
273
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,270
I'm going to do
what God put Ron Burgundy
274
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,872
on this Earth to do.
275
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:29,340
Have salon-quality hair
and read the news.
276
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:33,546
Ron... You've made my day.
277
00:13:33,547 --> 00:13:36,248
I've got the best damn
news team in the world.
278
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:39,251
Your call.
I just have to find them.
279
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,552
[Rock music playing on radio]
280
00:13:48,060 --> 00:13:51,463
San Diago. Looks like we begin
our search right here at home.
281
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,365
Last I heard, Champ Kind was fired
282
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,568
for being drunk
on the air and saying,
283
00:13:55,569 --> 00:13:57,536
"The only Olympic sport
Filipinos are good at
284
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,305
"is eating cats and dogs."
285
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,572
[Baxter barking]
[Laughs]
286
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,144
Who loves chicken? You do!
WOMEN: We do!
287
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,446