Do you think satire is a loser's game?
Is it the cry of the loser?
Well, I prefer not to be called a satirist,
because it suggests a degree of rigour,
accuracy and research that I'm not prepared to...
I'm not prepared to put that amount of effort in.
And yet, health wise, you are satirising yourself from the inside.
Yeah, if you look at the first series in the Mildmay Club
I was hanging off the railings, rolling around on the floor...
I mean, it's as much as I can do now,
I'm so unfit and decrepit, to even just to stand for half an hour.
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Yeah. Now... Um...
One of the things I thought was funny about the death of Thatcher...
LAUGHTER
..was, um...
MUTED APPLAUSE
Don't applaud that!
Was that, um, people... to satirise her,
people bought this Munchkins record, didn't they?
Munchkins singing 'The Witch is Dead' from Wizard of Oz.
We were watching the news, the week of Thatcher's death, me and my son,
and he said to me, "Dad, why are the Munchkins singing on the news?"
And I said to him, "Well, it's because an old lady,
"who about half the country didn't like has died
"and so, to make fun of her, a lot of people
"have bought this record of the Munchkins singing."
And he looked confused, so I said to him, "What do you think of that?"
"Do you think that's fair?" And he said, "No, Daddy, it isn't fair."
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because the Munchkins will be sad
"when they find out that an old lady's died.'
28 years old he is.
LAUGHTER
He's a fucking idiot.
LAUGHTER
He's a constant source of shame and embarrassment
to everyone in the family.
Combs his hair with a spoon!
He is kind, though, he's one of the kindest people I've ever met.
Should have his own Channel 4 comedy-drama series.
Now...
in the 1980s, the Labour Party believed that the poor,
who did not deserve to be poor, should be helped by the rich,
who did not deserve to be rich.
Meanwhile, the Conservatives thought that the poor,
who deserved to be poor, should not be helped by the rich,
who deserved to be rich. And that is the 1980s explained.
It's very different today.
Today, both the main parties believe that the poor
should be tied up in a bin-bag and thrown into a canal.
The Conservatives, to be fair to them,
at least had the guts to look as if they mean that.
Whereas the Labour Party, when they announced their support
for welfare cuts, they did so with all the confidence
of a dog running away from the smell of his own farts.
The leaders are no different, are they? David Cameron and Ed Miliband.
They are about as different as two rats fighting over a courgette
that has fallen into a urinal.
LAUGHTER
The main difference being that the David Cameron rat is wearing Chinos.
LAUGHTER
In an attempt to win over the youth voter.
LAUGHTER
I do think we should vote though,
I know that's unfashionable in stand-up comedy now,
but I do think we should vote. Fair play, though.
Congratulations to Russell Brand for bringing global capitalism
to the attention of CBeebies viewers.
LAUGHTER
Russell Brand and Jeremy Paxman. It was hardly Frost/Nixon, was it?
More like watching a monkey throw his own excrement at a foghorn.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Now... hear that? Applause? That's what I like.
I'm not interested in laughs.
I prefer applause. "Is it supposed to be funny?"
That's what the critics say. No, it isn't.
I'm not interested in laughs. I'm interested in...
"Did you see Stewart Lee?" "Yeah." "Was it funny?"
"No, but I agreed the fuck out of it".
LAUGHTER
I'm not interested in laughs,
what I'm aiming for is a temporary mass liberal consensus.
That dissolves on contact with air.
LAUGHTER
I remember, when I first voted in the '80s, I voted Labour.
Now I don't think I understood the issues,
but I did love the guitar sound on Billy Bragg's first album.
I'd like to vote Conservative now though and I'll tell you why.
When I met my wife ten years ago, I wasn't really earning enough
to pay tax, but I am now, so I would like to vote Conservative,
so I can pay less or no tax, ideally I'd have to pay no tax at all.
The money I've got, that's mine, and I want to keep all of that.
And I don't want any of that to go to schools or hospitals
or to help people less fortunate than me,
either here or in Bongo Bongo Land.
The money... that money's mine.
And people say to me, "Don't you think you are lucky
"getting certain professional breaks that have helped you to earn?"
No, I don't think that comes into it.
I think if you have to think, if you're earning,
you have to think there's some divine cosmic justice at play,
in which you're being rewarded
and the poor are being punished for some crime or moral deficiency.
And er...the money's mine.
And people say, you know, "Don't you think you're being lucky
"to be born a certain time in a certain class?"
No. The money is mine. Now...
LAUGHTER
It's good to hear that getting laughs.
It's clearly meant as an absurd notion.
Three months ago, when I was doing this bit in Guildford,
people sat there and said "At last, someone's put that into words."
There was a...
Yeah, they're laughing at you, Guildford, you idiots.
It was a joke!
And you all sat there, nodding along,
like it was observational comedy about your...
"Yes, that's what we think here in Guildford!
"We're utter vermin!"
LAUGHTER
At the end of the day, it's comedy. It's entertainment.
It's not meant to make sense or have a coherent argument
or a through-line or a beginning or a middle or an end.
Succession of unrelated things that are meant to provoke laughter
in different ways.
And I think to criticise me for failing...
having... You say, "Oh, you haven't written an essay."
That's like criticising a dog for not being a cat.
It's not meant to be a cat.
This is just... It's just a bit of fun at the end of the day.
This is just... Keith Lemon. Yeah.
It was easy to vote Labour in the '80s, though,
because there were lots of cool celebrities telling you to,
weren't there, in the '80s? People like Bananarama
and The Blow Monkeys and Mick Talbot, people like that.
But, um...
Mick Talbot from the Merton Parkas, remember?
So, there were a lot of them.
Some things, when you do a long run of shows,
you have to have a bit that's just for you, really.
So...
LAUGHTER
It's much harder now though, isn't it?
I tell you what, I would vote Conservative
if there were some cool celebrities voting Conservative.
So, I looked it up on the internet and there's a lot more
than you would have thought, actually. Some pretty good people...
Voting Conservative.
Peter Stringfellow is a Tory. I know?
Wouldn't have thought that, would you?
After everything he's done for the women's movement.
LAUGHTER
Pushing them up them poles. Towards the glass ceiling.
Come on, that's better than that!
Peter Stringfellow, a Tory, I couldn't believe it, I tell ya.
From the colour of his face...
I assumed he was a Liberal Democrat.
That was weird, wasn't it?
Different people laughing at different times.
He's got a yellow sort of...
sunbed face, hasn't he?
Yellow is the colour of all the Liberal Democrats flags
and things, all right. Now, fair enough,
a lot of you, probably at home,
probably filed the colour of the Liberal Democrats flags
in the part of your brain marked 'things I'll never need to know again.'
But you did need to know it again, didn't you, to get that joke,
and you'll need it again in a bit...
Because the third joke in this bit is...
Who is the third celebrity on that list, sir?
Judith Chalmers. Judith Chalmers. That's right.
Now, SHE'S got a yellow face, as well
and I'm going to do a joke about her
that looks like it's going to be the same as the Liberal Democrats one,
but then I go off in a different angle with it
and you wouldn't have got that, if I'd hadn't explained this.
Anyway, that's not the next joke. That's coming up in a bit.
Gary Barlow is a Tory. From Take That.
He's a good bloke, Gary Barlow. I might vote for them
if he's a Tory. He's talented.
He helped the Haitians as well, he's a nice bloke.
And at the moment, Gary Barlow is actually planning to walk
to the North Pole for charity. I hope he finds it though,
because he couldn't find the Tax Office, could he?
LAUGHTER
Mind you, neither could Google.
And they've got Google Maps.
Judith Chalmers is a Tory!
I couldn't believe it, I tell ya!
From the colour of her face...
I assumed that she was a urinal cake.
LAUGHTER
Applause for the urinal cake there, did you hear that?
Good, I think the urinal cake is an inherently amusing thing, well done.
But I'll tell you an interesting thing.
As you travel around Britain doing this bit,
people find urinal cake unanimously amusing up until about Birmingham.
You go up into the north, people can go either way
whether they find urinal cake funny or not.
You get to Scotland, no-one's really laughing at urinal cake.
And I think the reason for that is, in Scotland,
people just really love cake, don't they?
And you say urinal cake to a Scottish audience
and they go "Well, it's still a cake.
"How much urine is there in it?"
LAUGHTER
Helena Bonham Carter is a Tory. Well, she's friends with the Tories.
There's that famous bit of film of her out on New Year's Day
with David Cameron and Samantha Cameron
and she spent New Year's Eve at their mansion in the Cotswolds.
It's probably good fun spending New Year's Eve with the Camerons.
They probably play lots of fun games, don't they?
Like, they could hide their daughter in a pub toilet.
And the first person to even remember that she exists
gets shares in a Post Office.
LAUGHTER
But I'm surprised she's friends with the Tories, Helena Bonham Carter,
because she's an artist and I'm not saying it's right or wrong.
Artists do tend historically to be on the left.
People on the right tend to be practical, level-headed, capable,
unsentimental realists.
People on the left tend to be people with dreams,
hope, vision, imagination.
You have to have imagination on the left, don't you?
You have to be able to look at Ed Miliband and imagine
that he represents anything other than the death
of the post-war Socialist dream.
LAUGHTER
Ed Miliband. How did he manage that?
How did he make the Labour Party less popular than under Blair?
That's like catching a baby that's been thrown out of an aircraft
and then tripping up and dropping it in a gutter.
Series four is commissioned as you know
and I'm sort of thinking, where now?
And I think custard pies, funny noses, all those sorts of things.
That's an area I've not worked in before.
You're on your way to making yourself a physically funny object.
Hmm.
She's a good actress, though, Helena Bonham Carter.
She's good in anything. She was even good in...
like, rubbish things like The Planet of the Apes remake.
The original Planet of the Apes is a brilliant film,
if you've seen that, the original, it's fantastic.
It's got an amazing shock, surprise ending.
If you've not seen the original Planet of the Apes,
it's got an amazing shock, surprise ending.
What happens at the end of the original Planet of the Apes
is that it turns out that, on their planet,
the apes have made an exact replica of the Statue of Liberty.
And it's never explained why.
It's mad! And Charlton Heston is on the beach at the end,
he's on his knees and going "Why? Why have you made this?"
"Why, you dirty apes? Why have you made this statue?"
"Why? It's a civilisation of apes!
"Why would you... it's human... it's insane!"
And the apes go, "I don't know, we've just done it."
It's an amazing scene.
It's one of the most iconic images of cinema.
Completely meaningless, though. Stupid. But...
It's based on a book, The Planet of the Apes,
by a French post-war intellectual, Pierre Boulle.
And the American guy who adapted it for the screen
was not allowed to have an Oscar, because he was on a McCarthy blacklist
for being a Communist party sympathiser.
It's reasonable to assume, Planet of the Apes is a socialist fable.
It's a kind of left-leaning satire of our society,
in which the Orangutans, they're the governing elite.
David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson types.
The chimpanzees, they're the middle class liberal intelligentsia.
People like Helena Bonham Carter, Robin Ince, Eric Cantona,
people like that.
LAUGHTER
And the gorillas, they're the proletariat.
People like Ray Winstone, Fred West
and that woman who put the cat in the bin.
LAUGHTER
Filth. Scum.
But, um,
so, it's a satire of here, Planet of the Apes is the same as here,
but there's apes in it. And that's what a satire is.
If anyone ever says to you, "What's a satire?"
and you want to look clever, what a satire is,
a satire is when it's the same as here, but there's animals in it.
LAUGHTER
"What's a satire, Lee?" "It's when there's animals, sir."
"That's right, go directly to Oxford."
But that's what a satire is, when there's animals, think about it.
Planet of the Apes, that's like here,
but, instead of people, there's apes. Animals, that's satire.
Parliament of the Fowls by Chaucer, that's like a parliament
but, instead of people, there's birds. Animals, that's a satire.
And the best satire of all, most people agree, the best,
the most satirical one,
the best at satirising things is Animal Farm by George Orwell.
Because there's not just one animal in that,
there's loads of different ones.
A rabbit, I think.
A fly.
And...an ocelot.
And that's...
The ocelot's Hitler, I think and the others... I've not read it.
But that's what a satire is, when there's animals.
But don't get carried away, London,
not everything with animals in it is a satire.
Don't get carried away, people at home, if you're out and about
and you see a little vole by the canal, cleaning its whiskers.
Don't be looking at it thinking, "Is this supposed to be...
"Theresa May?" It doesn't know.
The vole doesn't know what that is, it's not interested.
Not all animals are trying to satirise things, do you understand?
No, all right, I'll give you an example.
It's the middle of the afternoon,
you're flicking around on the telly, you're in the high cable numbers,
in the 500s, in the purgatorial wilderness of programmes
from 20 years ago that go round in endless repeated loops.
And suddenly, looming out of the telly, you see the young Ben Fogle,
20 years ago, he looks the same as he does now. How does he do it?
I think he's got a ravaged portrait of Joanna Lumley in his attic.
He's there, Ben Fogle, it's 20 years ago, on this programme.
He's at Longleat Safari Park, anyone remember this?
He's got no veterinary training,
but he's helping out all the animals at Longleat Safari Park
on a programme, there's hundreds of episodes of it, called...?
Anyone?
What? Animal Safari Park.
Not Animal Safari Park. It's called Animal Park. Not Animal Safari Park.
But there's only one person in the room that remembers that programme
and he doesn't remember it well enough to remember its name.
Now, if you've not seen me before you're probably thinking,
"Oh, dear, that's not a very good strike rate.
"Surely the comedian won't do now a long routine about something
"that no-one in the audience really has any working knowledge of?"
Yes, I will do exactly that and I will do it with glee.
Yeah, it's called Animal Park, and erm...
You remember it, he used to be there helping out the animals
and he's got no veterinary training, he's there...erm...
I'm going to have to go to you on this one, sir, you're the only...
He's got no veterinary training, Ben Fogle.
He's got a young, sick, baby... What? What would you like?
He went to the toilet. A what?
He went to the toilet!
LAUGHTER
What did he say? He went to the toilet.
He's gone to the toilet?
LAUGHTER
Do you see the fucking level of contempt there?
There's a guy there, he knows that this is for a recording for telly.
He's the only person in the room who can help me with this bit.
And he's left, he's left leaving no-one
with any working knowledge of Animal Park in the room.
He's gone to the toilet. Not only that, you won't know this at home,
before the recording started, I expressly forbid people
from going to the toilet.
Not only has he gone to the toilet in direct contravention
of my instructions, but he has gone, taking with him a piece of knowledge
which could have saved this whole bit!
Can I just confirm as well that this is really happening?
I don't want to go on the fucking internet and see,
"Oh, it was brilliant when he faked that bloke going to the toilet."
I haven't!
An actual man, who was the only person here
who knows what I am talking about, has left.
LAUGHTER
I'm not going to stand here like a tool, waiting for him to come back,
with his knowledge of Ben Fogle's early animal-based documentary.
The irony is, I've told the staff,
if people walk out then not to let them back in,
because it would disrupt the filming.
But, ironically, it would have been a huge help if he had come back,
he's the only person who knows what I'm talking about!
Who would like to pretend to have watched Animal Park?
You get the idea, it's an animal thing.
You will. You've seen Animal Park, you know what it's like.
Who are we talking about? I've forgotten. Ben Fogle, yeah.
He's got no veterinary training. He's got a young, sick, baby...?
Giraffe? Do You know what? I'm not going to accept giraffe because...
I don't know why, I've been doing this bit on tour
and people always say "giraffe" when they're asked to come up
with an animal and I'm just a bit...
I'm sick of doing it, to be honest.
I know it's difficult cos you've stepped into the breach.
What? A rhino? Yeah, that's all right.
It's more in the... You know.
No, a rhino's fine. Don't... It's all right.
I appreciate you helping me out.
I'm sorry to knock your first idea back.
It seems ungrateful but...
Rhinoceros, rhino. Yeah. I know what it is.
LAUGHTER
Young Ben Fogle, he's got a sick baby rhino.
Still quite a big creature. He's struggling to cradle it.
He senses something's wrong. He doesn't know what, he's got no veterinary training.
Holds its mouth open, he spits Gaviscon into its mouth.
He's got no veterinary training, doesn't know how to use a syringe.
He drinks up the Gaviscon, he spits it into the rhino's mouth like that.
It doesn't like it. Some has gone in its eyes. It goes, "Argh."
The camera goes in tight on a Gaviscon-blinded rhino
going, "Argh." Don't be looking at it thinking,
"Oh, is this about the EU?
"Is the rhino having a go at the Greek far right?"
No. It doesn't know what that is.
Not all animals are trying to satirise things.
Do you understand what I'm...?
No, you don't understand. I'll give you another example.
It's the middle of the afternoon, you're flicking around in the high cable numbers.
Look, it's Michaela Strachan from 20 years ago,
helping out the animals on a programme called...?
Really Wild Show. Really Wild Show. That's about 40 of you.
Don't all go to the toilet. OK?
En masse. All right?
She's got no veterinary training, has she, Michaela Strachan?
She's on The Really Wild Show. She's got a young, sick baby...
Whatever you like, come on. Mongoose. Mongoose.
LAUGHTER
She's got a mongoose.
Michaela Strachan, she's got a young mongoose.
She's got no veterinary training. There's something wrong with it.
She smears Anusol on its face.
Doesn't like it. It's going, "Argh!"
The camera goes in tight on an Anusol-smeared mongoose.
Don't be looking at it, going,
"Oh, is this about Toby Young's free school movement?
"Is it a satire of inequality in the education system?"
No, it isn't. The Anusol-smeared mongoose has got no...
It's got no... Do you...?
Not all animals are trying to satirise things.
Do you understand? "No, we don't." I'll give you another example.
It's the middle of the afternoon, you're flicking...
"Look, it's Johnny Morris from 40 years ago on...
Animal Magic. Animal Magic, that's right. Animal Magic
with Johnny Morris,
the last 1970s children's TV entertainer still standing.
He's there, Johnny Morris.
He's dressed as a zoo keeper. There's nothing sinister about it,
it's just an acting... He's not trying to trick anyone.
And he's got no veterinary training, Johnny Morris.
He's got a young, sick baby... Whatever you like, come on.
What? Koala. Koala.
All right. What did you say?
Dragon. Dragon.
LAUGHTER
I'm going to go with that cos we've had a lot of mammals today.
What a lovely audience you are. That's fine.
"Under the normal rules of improvisation, you would be obliged
"to accept the first suggestion."
That's what she's thinking, but she knows it's a live recording,
I'm trying to get the very best for the licence payer at home.
She's allowed me to take the slightly more interesting
suggestion of dragon, even though it does fly in the rules
of the Geneva Convention concerning improvisation in comedy.
He's got a young, sick dragon, Johnny Morris.
What is the young form of a dragon, sir? Baby dragon.
Not a baby dragon. Before...
Egg. Egg, yeah. That's what I'm...
LAUGHTER
There's Johnny Morris. He's dressed as a zoo keeper.
He's got a dragon's egg, it's about this big. He's an old man,
he's struggling with the dragon's egg.
He's got no veterinary training. He listens to the egg.
He can sense there's something wrong.
There's a dragon inside saying, "Oh, I feel... I feel bloody awful."
He doesn't know... He's got no veterinary training, Johnny.
He just...
He just drops it and he stabs the foetus to death...
of the egg...
..putting both the dragon and this routine
out of its misery, let's face it.
So, I'll tell you a weird thing. That bit about how I shouldn't have to pay tax
cos if I'm earning money, I'm obviously better than anyone else,
I wrote that in August as a kind of absurd position.
But then in November, you may have noticed,
Boris Johnson expressed that as an actual idea.
LAUGHTER
That is the weird... It's hard to do comedy at the moment
because you think of something as, like, a sick joke
and six months later, it comes out as actual Conservative policy,
so it's difficult to keep ahead.
Their main innovation, the current Tories, I think,
is to be the world's first self-satirising party.
The problem with that, of course, is it's doing me
and all animals out of a job.
Er, and I'm surprised at them...
surprised to be honest cos it flies in the face
of the free-market doctrine
of farming government services out to independent providers.
It's sad though, isn't it? What it means is somewhere,
there's a gerbil who looks like Boris Johnson,
kicking his heels because the actual Boris Johnson
is much more ridiculous
than a gerbil that looks like Boris Johnson.
I want to pick up this idea about satire being something
when there's animals in it. Right.
Can I ask you some yes or no questions? Yep.
A Kleenex box with a shrew in it - satire? No.
A wolf with a duck in it? Yep.
That's one small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind.
A conker with a wasp in it? Yep.
A glove box full of elks? Satire.
MUSIC: "Assault and Battery" by Hawkwind
Dum-Dum bullet with a woodlouse in it? Satire.
A shipping container with a turtle? Satire.
A toilet bowl full of goats? Satire.
SHOUTING
A limpet shell with a limpet in it? That's doubly satirical
to the point where it could almost be too serious.
George Osborne's eye with a ladybird in it? Satirical.
An ostrich in a soda siphon? That's satirical, yeah.
A crow inside a swift?
Yes, that works. They're two different birds.
Sausages? Not on their own, no.
George Clooney's blood vein with a baby swordfish?
Yes, that is satirical. Is it?
That is satirical. Is it? Definitely, yeah.
Is it?! Yeah. OK. Good. Thanks.
GUNSHOTS
SCREAMING
♪ So your thoughts, they were expecting
♪ Assault and battery on the human anatomy
♪ Assault and battery on the human anatomy, man... ♪