1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:06,159
Can't film in here. Toilets.
2
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:08,077
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
3
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,511
Oh! Jesus Christ!
4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,028
Oh! Oh, God!
Ripped By mstoll
5
00:00:16,080 --> 00:00:19,516
Are you scared of spiders? It's the worst
spider what I've ever seen, in there.
6
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,233
Look, it's the giantest spider.
7
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:24,919
Hannah? Look. Hannah!
8
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,313
- There's a spider in there.
- Oh, can't be... it can't be that bad.
9
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,918
Biggest spider... No, you haven't...
Wait till you see it.
10
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,793
- Where is it?
- Wait till you see it. I'm not kidding.
11
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,717
Oh! Ooh!
12
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:35,153
That is big.
13
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,158
- Get rid of it. Don't kill it!
- What do you want me to do with it?
14
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:41,636
Deport it? Send it to prison
for having too many legs?
15
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,830
Go and get... Go and get...
Go and get a cup.
16
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:47,555
Catch it. Make sure you catch it
and put it... let it go free.
17
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,388
He's terrified of 'em. Nearly gave him a
heart attack and he won't let me kill it.
18
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,352
He's got me running around,
trying to rehome it for him.
19
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:55,753
- All right.
- Don't lose it.
20
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,677
- I won't lose it.
- Watch it, mate.
21
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,751
I've got to get it under there,
that's all,
22
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,677
- without startling the fu...
- OTHERS: Oh!
23
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,598
- Oh, fuckin' hell!
- Oh! Oh...
24
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,151
HANNAH: It's been a funny old year,
you know.
25
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,919
We're still here.
26
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:29,157
Same old faces. Some new faces.
27
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,668
Some people have gone.
28
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,756
You know, just life rolling on.
29
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,559
This is Geoff.
30
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,114
He's been with us about a week now. Yeah.
31
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:45,472
He's been unemployed for a little while
so... It's part of a restart thing.
32
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,909
He is a wrong 'un, isn't he?
33
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,036
Don't you think? Look at him.
34
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,355
- HANNAH: What do you mean?
- VICKY: Weird, don't you think?
35
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,073
- VICKY: Well shifty.
- HANNAH: Right.
36
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,953
Er... Vicky is with us permanently now.
37
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,389
She's our, er... in-house
beautician, unofficially.
38
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,716
She does all their nails
and hair and stuff.
39
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,079
Yeah.
40
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,111
She's gonna open her own salon
one day, ain't you?
41
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,038
- Yeah, wouldn't mind.
- (HANNAH CHUCKLES)
42
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,911
(LOW CHATTER)
43
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,030
VICKY: Yeah, no, it's wicked.
I love it. I love it here.
44
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:16,957
It's like being at home, really, innit?
45
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,230
Except... well, here,
everyone's really nice.
46
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:21,191
But... yeah, it's all right.
47
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,949
The money's not great but, well,
I'm a born hustler, ain't I?
48
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,788
So, doing my bits and pieces
on the side to get by.
49
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,432
- What do you think of them?
- Ooh!
50
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,038
- All right, ain't they?
- What's that?
51
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,719
Oh, hold on.
52
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,398
- (SECURITY TAG CLICKS)
- There you go.
53
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,237
- All yours.
- Oh, how much is that, Vicky?
54
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,395
Oh, no, don't be silly.
55
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,634
- No, no, I'll pay you.
- It's a present, honestly.
56
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,069
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Enjoy.
57
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,396
DEREK: Geoff, it's my dad.
He's moving in today.
58
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,476
HANNAH: We've got a new resident
moving in today.
59
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,875
It's Derek's dad, Anthony.
60
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,832
Derek's over the moon. He's so proud.
61
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,474
It's my dad. He's moving in here today.
62
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,357
(IRISH ACCENT) All these lovely mares.
63
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,112
This is your room.
64
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,151
Oh... Oh, 'eavy.
65
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:09,394
(GRUNTS)
66
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:13,913
It's nice, innit?
67
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,109
All right.
68
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:20,190
Got everything. Cupboards. Bed.
69
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,549
Loads of cupboards. Wardrobe.
70
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,794
Chair.
71
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:31,792
Ah!
72
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,796
What's this? Photo album?
73
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,957
- Huh! Is this all your holidays?
- Yeah.
74
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,798
Huh! And where have you been?
Have you been everywhere?
75
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,037
France, Germany, Spain, Morocco.
76
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,877
You name it, I've been there.
77
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:48,595
All the pictures of you
are with different ladies.
78
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,076
Ah, sure, that's the point
in travelling, boy.
79
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,958
Nookie.
80
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,069
Newquay?
81
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,590
- I haven't been to Newquay.
- (CHUCKLES)
82
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:01,959
Who's that?
83
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,991
That's my one picture of you.
84
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,948
Still got the same hair. Heh-heh!
85
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,150
Look, that's me.
86
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,315
That's baby Derek.
87
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:21,392
I wish I... I wish I could travel one day.
I'd like to go different places.
88
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,510
Just to see
what all the different places are like.
89
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,028
Cos all the places are different,
ain't they? Everywhere's different.
90
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,354
What's the most different place
you've been?
91
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,630
The Sahara Desert.
92
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:30,669
DEREK: Why?
93
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,150
Cos it's fucking warm.
94
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:37,636
- What's France like?
- ANTHONY: It's full of French people.
95
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,671
- DEREK: Yeah?
- They're not very friendly.
96
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,836
The women are nice, though.
97
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,399
(SIGHS)
98
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,196
Right, Joe's coming. Remember,
don't mention it. Don't mention...
99
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,828
(GRUNTS)
100
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,757
It grew back.
101
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,398
Very lucky.
102
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:12,310
What's the strangest thing what you've
ever seen, what you've ever learnt?
103
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,113
I met a wise man in Kathmandu,
104
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,675
who believed you should make
a list of all the things you wanted,
105
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,870
and give it to your dad to keep,
106
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,869
and maybe the circle of life
would get you one of them things.
107
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,037
What? If you does that, will you get
one of your wishes, maybe?
108
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,672
Yeah.
109
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,553
- Shall I make a list?
- ANTHONY: Yeah.
110
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,354
ANTHONY:
I want to get him a little present,
111
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,437
but I don't know what he likes,
I'm ashamed to say.
112
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,516
Hmm.
113
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:50,155
This is a sneaky way of finding out.
114
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,672
DEREK: It's my bestest day ever.
My dad's moving in.
115
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:02,633
Joining us, joining my family.
His... his family as well now.
116
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:06,195
When I'm like this as well, when
I'm happiest, I get sad sometimes
117
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,277
cos I feel sorry for people
who ain't as happy as me.
118
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,118
Lots of people ain't lucky like me.
I'm... I'm lucky.
119
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,355
I'm really lucky. I've got... Yeah.
120
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,437
So, that's why I'm nice, in case
they're not having a good day
121
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,358
or they ain't got as... much luck as me.
122
00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:26,270
So, er... yeah, cos life, right, it's all
about good and bad things, isn't it?
123
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,311
Summat good happens
and summat bad happens,
124
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,558
and in my life it's mostly good things
and a little bad things.
125
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:39,636
Yeah, that... that makes it all right and
that's why I always tries my best as well.
126
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:41,432
I learned it off animals.
127
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,916
Animals always tries their best.
Always trying their best.
128
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,350
You never see like a lazy ant.
It's always working.
129
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,277
It goes, "I'll do that."
130
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,072
(SPOON RATTLES ON TEACUP)
131
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,235
Look. Sandwiches. Cakes.
Tea. Everything.
132
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,431
We always do something when there's
a new resident. Helps break the ice.
133
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,994
Let them know it's a welcoming place.
134
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,837
It can be very overwhelming.
135
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,156
You know,
they're always a bit shy, scared.
136
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,997
(LOW VOICES)
137
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:25,234
Oh. Want to take those?
138
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,475
Yeah. What is... why is he grabbing her?
139
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,397
I don't know.
140
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,829
(CHUCKLES)
141
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,315
DEREK: Everyone sits where they wants,
but people has favourite chairs.
142
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,715
Pat likes that one. Arthur likes that one.
Joe likes that one.
143
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,035
People moves around. These are all ladies.
144
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,117
Precious, Margaret and Sheila.
145
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,151
Um... Annie.
146
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,829
Oh, guess what, right? Um... Tom
and Hannah are trying to have a baby.
147
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:49,869
Derek!
148
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:53,276
DEREK: What? Yeah, I've heard you
talking about it. I knows what's going on.
149
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,515
Oh, they haven't told me.
150
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,391
Didn't know it was something I had to.
151
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,032
Are you checking when she's ovulating?
152
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,311
Yeah, but, they've got...
got a thermometer,
153
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,476
and... and they test
when she's the right temperature,
154
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:08,672
and if she's the right temperature,
they sneaks off and has sex quickly,
155
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,312
and then comes back in
like nothing's happened.
156
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,112
But I... I knows what they've been...
what they've been doing.
157
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:15,072
Now, when me and your grandad
were trying for your mum...
158
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,109
Mm-hm?
159
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,197
...used to come straight home
from work, straight upstairs,
160
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:23,711
no foreplay or anything like that,
wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, do his bit,
161
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:28,151
and then afterwards he'd help me
stand on my head by holding my legs.
162
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,519
DEREK: Why?
163
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,357
It helps the sperm up the cervix.
164
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,391
What's a cervix?
165
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,113
It's the opening between
the vagina and the uterus.
166
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,435
And a sperm's got to get through that
to the...
167
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,277
So, it goes vagina...
168
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,355
- Cervix, uterus.
...cervix, uterus.
169
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,313
So, he puts his sperm into the vagina,
170
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,477
and then he has to help it
up the cervix into the uterus,
171
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,556
- and that's where the baby's made, innit?
- Mm-hm.
172
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:54,388
Yeah, and it helps it if he turns her on
her head with her... holding her legs up?
173
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,193
- Well, you're in with more of a chance.
- DEREK: Why? Cos it dribbles upwards?
174
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,754
- ANNIE: Yeah, gravity.
- Yeah.
175
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,712
Um... vagina. Uterus.
176
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,193
Cervix.
177
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,356
These are a few of my favourite things.
178
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,278
- What else?
- Clitoris, cum and flaps.
179
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:13,472
♪ Bea-ver!
180
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,672
♪ Bea-ver!
181
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,110
♪ Labia, labia, labia, labia, la-bi-a!
182
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,755
♪ I'm walking down the street
with a bag of dildos
183
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,872
♪ Perineum-mm-mm
184
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,672
♪ And a butt plug. ♪
185
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,959
DEREK: He just always
keeps talking to all the ladies.
186
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,956
- Well, he's just being friendly, in't he?
- Yeah.
187
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,116
- You're always on that phone.
- Yeah.
188
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,913
I've got to keep up with my people,
haven't I? Let 'em know I'm busy.
189
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,996
Yeah, but you're not busy, are you?
You're on Twitter.
190
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,076
- Oh!
- I can work and tweet, you know.
191
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,599
She's going to put me on Twitter,
ain't you?
192
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:48,868
I... I ain't got a phone
but she's gonna put me on her phone.
193
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,831
- Yeah, I did it this morning, actually.
- Oh!
194
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,235
So, you are... @mrdereknoakes
195
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,430
- @mrdereknoakes
- Yeah, so, whatever you want to say,
196
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,118
...you can put it out there.
- Yeah, um...
197
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,071
Derek says...
198
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,553
Do you know what?
That can be your hashtag.
199
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,589
What's that?
200
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,279
It looks like that, and it's...
if you put that before "Derek says",
201
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,072
everyone can see it
and they can all follow it.
202
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,759
Yeah, hashtag, "Derek says".
203
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,314
Yeah, got that.
204
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,476
Yeah. So, what do you want to say?
205
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,198
Be nice to animals.
206
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,549
- Is that it, yeah?
- Yeah.
207
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,160
Send. That's out there.
208
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,233
(LOW CHATTER)
209
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:53,953
Dad?
210
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,992
I've made a list.
Top ten things what I wants.
211
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,075
- Is that all right?
- That's perfect.
212
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:07,717
I'll keep this in a sealed envelope close
to my heart, and we'll see if it works.
213
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,069
I don't mind if it don't.
214
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:15,194
Er... Joan used to say
all you needs is someone to love,
215
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,117
something to do and something to wish for.
216
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,754
I've got loads of people I loves.
I've got loads to do.
217
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:21,392
I'm always busy, ain't I?
218
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,396
And I've got loads to wish for.
That's the things I wish for most.
219
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:27,035
You think a lot about people
you've lost, don't you, Derek?
220
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,036
Yeah.
221
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,799
I thinks about them.
I thinks of things they've said.
222
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,832
So, it don't matter if they said it
yesterday or a year ago.
223
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,155
It's still in there and there.
224
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,279
DEREK: He drinks a bit.
225
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,439
Like Kev.
226
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,789
I think he's nice like Kev, as well,
but...
227
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,595
... but Kev hasn't got any kids
to worry about yet.
228
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,631
And I worries about him.
229
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,594
It's bad for you, drink...
too much drinking.
230
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,673
Bad for your liver, innit?
231
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,109
And you might fall over or summat.
232
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:14,439
As long as you're nice. He can't help it.
I don't think he can help it.
233
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,353
And I don't want to say anything.
I don't want to upset anyone.
234
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,470
(SIGHS)
235
00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,595
I'm glad he's moving in here.
Good to have him around.
236
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,518
I didn't have a dad for ages
so I'm glad I've got one.
237
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,198
(LAUGHS)
238
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:35,631
HANNAH: "One. I wishes I could talk
chimp and be friends with it.
239
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:37,909
"Two.
240
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:41,157
"I wishes Kev was healthy,
cos he's lovely and funny,
241
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,033
"and I'm scared of him getting ill
from drinking or AIDS.
242
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,877
"Three.
243
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,717
"A pill what makes you clever.
244
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,389
"Four. A pill what makes you like
horrible people more.
245
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,830
"Five. A pill what makes
horrible people nicer.
246
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,598
"Six, a pill..." It's another pill.
247
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,552
"...what makes old people
not scared of dying.
248
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:03,593
"Seven. A pill what makes spiders
keep away but not hurt them.
249
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,513
"Eight. I would like to meet Leona Lewis.
250
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:11,553
"Nine. I wish everyone had a mum and a
dad, and they all died at the same time.
251
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,750
"Ten. I wish Hannah had more money,
252
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:17,918
"cos she is
the hardest-working person I knows.
253
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,757
"She's the nicest too.
254
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:24,237
"I knows when she's sad, even though
she tries to pretend she isn't.
255
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,556
"If everyone was like Hannah,
there would never be anything wrong.
256
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:31,154
"If Hannah was happy,
I wouldn't care about anything else."
257
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,279
(CHUCKLES)
258
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,629
Thanks ever so much.
259
00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,790
- Derek's dad's a one, in't he?
- What?
260
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,195
Yeah. Have you seen him?
Still trying to sow his old oats.
261
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,674
He's got the women running scared.
262
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,075
I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
263
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,678
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
264
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,518
- Bloody hell, Derek mate.
- Go and walk along like a donkey.
265
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,994
- Like a donkey?
- Go on, go on.
266
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,678
- (SNORTS)
- Oh!
267
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:05,518
- Oh, mate! Get off.
- Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
268
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,596
Wasting it.
269
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,996
(SLURPS)
270
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,759
DEREK: Bit shocking, that, wasn't it?
I've never seen that before,
271
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:21,157
anyone sucking Special Brew
out of a carpet. Not even Kev.
272
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,031
Surprised me.
273
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:25,833
He acted quickly, didn't he?
He acted on instinct.
274
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:30,192
He sort of saw it seeping away
so he had to do extra-fast slurping.
275
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,196
It was the noise that was worrying.
276
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,918
(HOOVER ON)
277
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,837
DEREK: What's in the carpets?
278
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,235
You get germs, don't you?
279
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,713
Well, does Special Brew kill a germ?
280
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:45,197
Or just make it drunk
so it wasn't so evil?
281
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,356
Could you get AIDS drunk?
282
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:51,951
Could alcohol kill other things? If it
kills your liver, could it kill rabies?
283
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,757
It's interesting, I know,
isn't it, science?
284
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,993
- What are you doing?
- I'm drawing.
285
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:06,032
- What is it?
- Do you know what a chimera is?
286
00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,638
No.
287
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,830
Um... do you know what a humanzee is?
288
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,791
No.
289
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,673
It's basically a cross between
a human and a chimpanzee.
290
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,711
- How?
- What do you mean, how?
291
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:17,749
How... how would that happen?
292
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,199
- What, how does it come about?
- Yeah.
293
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,754
Um... how do you think it comes about?
294
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,358
It's when a clown has sex
with a monkey, isn't it?
295
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,393
- Obviously.
- Why?
296
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:28,555
Why would a clown
have sex with a monkey?
297
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:29,589
- Yeah.
- Well, it doesn't have to be a clown.
298
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:32,074
It can be any human,
but a clown's more likely, innit?
299
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,908
Because he's hanging around the circus
all day. What do you think he's gonna do?
300
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:36,949
And what's the baby look like?
301
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:42,120
Well, it looks like... Iooks like any
human baby, but it's covered in hair.
302
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,149
- Right?
- Right.
303
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,316
And then it loses the hair
when it's about three.
304
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,112
- Right.
- Then it enters normal society, right?
305
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:48,957
And then it's like at school and
everything. Everything's normal.
306
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,515
Suddenly it's hanging upside down
in trees, ripping kids' arms off.
307
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,391
- Snaps.
- What happens to it?
308
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:55,429
Well, they have to get rid of it,
don't they?
309
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,392
- How?
- Shove it in camps.
310
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:01,000
Got camps all over. Got one
in Brighton and one in Norwich.
311
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,029
Why have we never heard of this, though?
312
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,399
Cos they don't want you to know, do they?
313
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,670
- Who?
- Government.
314
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,712
If you... if everyone knew about humanzees,
there'd be panic, wouldn't there?
315
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,478
- There'd be riots in the streets, mate.
- Yeah.
316
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,748
- How do you know about it?
- Cos I know about stuff, don't I?
317
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,836
Cos I've got a mate who used
to work in one of the camps.
318
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,916
Used to clean them out
after they'd got rid of the bodies.
319
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,439
- He saw some horrible stuff.
- Like what?
320
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,675
Seen a goat with arms.
321
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,030
- Why has a goat got arms?
- So it can milk itself.
322
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,633
DOUGIE: Geoff's a knob-head, isn't he?
323
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,079
It's just... just his type.
324
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,118
And he's loving it, in't he?
Cos you lot are here filming.
325
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,639
Suddenly thinks
he's gonna be a star overnight
326
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,274
just cos he's got his head on the telly.
327
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,757
- What you doing it like that for, mate?
- This is the way I've always done it.
328
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,712
- What?
- This is the way I... you know, I do it.
329
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,830
- It's the way you do it, is it?
- Yeah, this is the way you should do it.
330
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,438
Yeah, well, the way you do it's wrong.
Schoolboy error.
331
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,948
- How have you worked that out, then?
- Innit?
332
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,149
- Hmm?
- Eh?
333
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,189
What do you mean, it's wrong?
334
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,152
I'm worried these old people
are gonna go up in smoke, mate.
335
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,589
Well, they're all gonna end up
that way anyway, aren't they?
336
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,596
At the crematorium.
337
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,916
- So, don't worry about it, Geoff.
- All right, very funny, Dougie, yeah.
338
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:09,758
Apart from your hair, mate, I think
you're the luckiest man I've ever met.
339
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:10,755
- Do you?
- Yeah.
340
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,199
I would have had this sorted
about five minutes ago,
341
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,629
but instead you're there
just annoying me.
342
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,318
I can't concentrate
whilst you're wittering on.
343
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,634
What, you can't concentrate
when I'm talking?
344
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,352
- No.
- Ooh.
345
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,391
Got to be able to work under pressure,
mate. It can't be hard to...
346
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:22,668
Listen, I've worked under pressure, Geoff.
347
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,392
When I was in the Army,
348
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:25,429
you've got to be doing this, that,
you've got to be running.
349
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,552
You've got to be carrying your gun. You've
got to be aware where the enemy are.
350
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,309
- You've got to be...
- (SNIFFS) Are you getting that? Bullshit.
351
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:33,349
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
352
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,913
Oh!
353
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,713
- What did I say? I hate being right.
- Oh, Dougie!
354
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:41,275
Don't touch him!
He's riddled with electricity.
355
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:46,269
- Shall I give him the kiss of life?
- Definitely not. Jesus.
356
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,436
Oh! We doing Duran Duran again?
357
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,914
No, we're not doing fucking
Duran Duran again, Derek.
358
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,670
That's it. No more.
359
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,996
There's no point.
The place can't run like this, can it?
360
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,759
There's not enough money. There's not
enough staff. There's too many residents.
361
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,791
I'm taking on too much.
I've got loads going on in my head.
362
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,957
I can't remember what I'm doing.
That's why I ballsed up the plug.
363
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,232
That's why I got that major shock,
just because I've got too much to do.
364
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,032
I ended up rolling about on the floor
with my hair all over the place,
365
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:13,911
looking like fucking Ken Dodd.
366
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,119
DOUGIE: I've just got to get out.
367
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,276
That's... that's the top and bottom of it.
368
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,359
Then there's little things I'll miss,
369
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,960
you know, the residents,
not seeing them every day.
370
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,275
Hannah. Derek.
371
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,869
A little bit of me that'll miss Kev.
372
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:41,038
It's just Geoff the knob-head that I...
you know, I never need to see him again.
373
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,639
(WHISPERS) Oh...
374
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,113
(SHE SIGHS)
375
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,357
Well, it's my best day ever
and it's my worst day ever.
376
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,277
Oh, it's not that bad.
377
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,278
He's only leaving. He's... he's not dead.
378
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,675
HANNAH: And you can still be friends.
379
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,076
DEREK: Yeah, I know, but I likes to see
my friends every day.
380
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:03,590
That's why I works here.
It's my favouritest thing.
381
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:22,309
Go on.
382
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,715
- It's your go.
- Oh.
383
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,559
How do you tell
which end of a worm is its mouth
384
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,591
and which end of a worm is its arsehole?
385
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,312
Don't know.
386
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:36,876
You put it in a bowl of flour
and you wait till it farts.
387
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,831
- (MAN LAUGHING)
- What if it coughs?
388
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,677
Bugger me. Do you ever get jokes, boy?
389
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,199
Yeah.
390
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,515
- Here's a better one.
- DEREK: Go on.
391
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,030
What do you do
when you want to shag a fat bird?
392
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,275
Roll her in flour
and aim for the wet spot.
393
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,954
And by "wet spot",
I mean vaginal not anal.
394
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,869
The anus should rarely be wet, Pam.
395
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:02,398
Biscuit?
396
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:03,589
No, thank you.
397
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,789
- No.
- No thanks.
398
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,354
- Oh! Hannah?
- Yeah?
399
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:11,473
Can... can we play the Lizzie DVD again?
400
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,035
- Again?
- Yeah. I loves it.
401
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:20,074
The production team put together
a film of all Lizzie's best moments.
402
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,078
So... Derek loves watching it.
403
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,991
OK?
404
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:32,193
♪ I'm a buxom fine widow
405
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,832
♪ I come from a spot
406
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:38,556
♪ In Dublin they call it the Coombe
407
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:43,515
♪ Me shop and me stall
are laid out on the street
408
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:47,519
♪ And me palace consists of one room
409
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:50,632
♪ I sell apples and oranges
410
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:53,069
♪ Nuts and sweet peas
411
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,795
♪ Bananas and sugar sticks sweet
412
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:01,868
♪ On Saturday night
I sell second-hand clothes
413
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,708
♪ From me stall on the floor in the street
414
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:10,550
♪ Oh, you may travel from Clare
to the County Kildare
415
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:14,559
♪ From Francis Street back to the Coombe
416
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:19,230
♪ But where would you see
a fine widow like me?
417
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:24,229
♪ Biddy Mulligan
The pride of the Coombe, my boys
418
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,317
♪ Biddy Mulligan
The pride of the Coombe. ♪
419
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,191
Heyl
420
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,470
(TV: OTHERS CHEER AND APPLAUD)
421
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,431
- (APPLAUSE FADES)
- Thank you.
422
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,232
(TV: LIZZIE CHUCKLES)
423
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,397
♪ Biddy Mulligan
The pride of the Coombe
424
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:41,671
♪ Biddy Mulligan, the pride of the... ♪
425
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,676
Thank you.
426
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,756
Oh.
427
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,438
Good night, everyone.
428
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:48,879
- Night.
- Night-night.
429
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,272
Where's everybody gone?
430
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,392
What? Off to bed. It's after ten o'clock.
431
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,318
Ten o'fucking clock?!
432
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:02,079
- Anyone for a nightcap?
- Yeah, I'll have one, mate.
433
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,998
Oh, I've got a present for you, Derek.
434
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,077
- What?
- It's the photo album.
435
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,032
With my one picture of you in it.
436
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,878
Heh. And I hope to add to it.
437
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,195
I was hoping for a bike.
438
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,310
I'm only joking. Thank you.
439
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,669
There's no real pictures any more, though.
It's all digitals.
440
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,517
How can we get real pictures for it?
441
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,198
I can print them out, mate.
442
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,515
- How?
- I'll save them all on the desktop.
443
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,473
Print them out
the exact size of that little book.
444
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,794
Excellent.
445
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,990
When half your adult life
has been dedicated to internet porn,
446
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,439
you pick up a few things.
447
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,672
And for once, I do not mean genital warts.
448
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,873
Yep.
449
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:05,073
LIZZIE: ♪ You may travel from Clare
to the County Kildare
450
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:10,274
♪ From Francis Street back to the Coombe
451
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:14,552
♪ But where would you see
a fine widow like me?
452
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:19,720
♪ Biddy Mulligan
The pride of the Coombe, my boys
453
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:24,991
♪ Biddy Mulligan
The pride of the Coombe. ♪
Ripped By mstoll