1
00:00:05,442 --> 00:00:07,676
Max, I have a surprise,
and it's right behind you.
2
00:00:07,678 --> 00:00:09,277
Before I turn around, is it Oprah?
3
00:00:09,279 --> 00:00:11,713
'cause I will die.
4
00:00:11,715 --> 00:00:14,516
It's a diploma from pastry school.
5
00:00:14,518 --> 00:00:16,251
No, seriously, what's the surprise?
6
00:00:16,253 --> 00:00:18,453
I'll even take Gayle.
7
00:00:18,455 --> 00:00:21,790
You would've graduated
if the school hadn't closed,
8
00:00:21,792 --> 00:00:25,093
and Oleg knows a guy
who fakes documents, so...
9
00:00:25,095 --> 00:00:26,594
You're a pastry school graduate,
10
00:00:26,596 --> 00:00:30,465
And I'm a real estate agent
and a French citizen.
11
00:00:30,467 --> 00:00:33,301
I'll be able to show houses in France.
12
00:00:33,303 --> 00:00:35,103
And how are you getting there?
13
00:00:35,105 --> 00:00:37,605
I'm also a licensed pilot.
14
00:00:37,607 --> 00:00:40,375
Look, I am not a pastry school graduate.
15
00:00:40,377 --> 00:00:42,210
I'm not even a high school graduate.
16
00:00:42,212 --> 00:00:44,979
The only thing I graduated from
was a scared straight program,
17
00:00:44,981 --> 00:00:47,648
which is why I'm not gay anymore.
18
00:00:48,650 --> 00:00:50,317
Max, you really didn't graduate?
19
00:00:50,319 --> 00:00:51,652
I always thought you were kidding
20
00:00:51,654 --> 00:00:53,087
about dropping out of high school,
21
00:00:53,089 --> 00:00:55,723
Like when you say that
Howard Stern is your dad.
22
00:00:55,725 --> 00:00:58,960
'Cause he is.
Look at our eyes.
23
00:00:59,861 --> 00:01:00,828
And I did drop out.
24
00:01:00,830 --> 00:01:04,363
I was like, "Later, suckas. I'll find
a water fountain somewhere else."
25
00:01:05,134 --> 00:01:06,801
Water fountains? Gross.
26
00:01:06,803 --> 00:01:08,167
In private school,
27
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,070
We never bent down to put
our mouths on something
28
00:01:10,072 --> 00:01:12,572
unless it had a yacht.
29
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,810
I didn't need a piece of paper
from high school,
30
00:01:16,812 --> 00:01:18,912
and I don't need
this fake piece of paper,
31
00:01:18,914 --> 00:01:20,714
because I don't fake things.
32
00:01:20,716 --> 00:01:23,817
Except orgasms with guys
who don't know how to yank hair good.
33
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,021
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
34
00:01:28,023 --> 00:01:29,555
[cash register bell dings]
35
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:32,831
♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
36
00:01:33,002 --> 00:01:37,208
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:42,615 --> 00:01:45,662
(woman) Well, I'm glad
you called back, you slimeball.
38
00:01:45,719 --> 00:01:47,518
[laughs]
39
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,220
Oh, good.
40
00:01:49,222 --> 00:01:51,389
When you weren't here
when I woke up, I got worried.
41
00:01:51,391 --> 00:01:53,625
So worried you decided to eat cookies
42
00:01:53,627 --> 00:01:55,826
and watch Mama's Family?
43
00:01:56,828 --> 00:01:58,763
We all grieve in our own way.
44
00:01:58,765 --> 00:02:00,865
Guess I should cancel the strippers.
45
00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:05,502
So I found out something
interesting today
46
00:02:05,504 --> 00:02:06,903
that has to do with you.
47
00:02:06,905 --> 00:02:10,607
Aw, crap, you found out
what happened in Orlando?
48
00:02:10,609 --> 00:02:13,076
Why? What happened in orlando?
49
00:02:13,078 --> 00:02:16,280
Don't tell me you
slept with Mickey Mouse.
50
00:02:16,282 --> 00:02:18,148
Well, I slept with someone
51
00:02:18,150 --> 00:02:22,184
with suspenders and four fingers.
52
00:02:22,186 --> 00:02:25,154
I'm assuming it was Mickey.
53
00:02:25,156 --> 00:02:27,657
Either way, it was heaven.
54
00:02:27,659 --> 00:02:29,992
Well, I found out
55
00:02:29,994 --> 00:02:32,127
that you're not
the badass you claim to be.
56
00:02:32,129 --> 00:02:33,996
I talked to your old
high school principal,
57
00:02:33,998 --> 00:02:35,798
and he said the only reason
you didn't graduate
58
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,434
is 'cause you failed to show up
for one history final.
59
00:02:38,436 --> 00:02:42,170
My high school's still standing?
60
00:02:42,172 --> 00:02:44,639
Guess I didn't flick
that cigarette far enough.
61
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:49,243
I cannot believe you'd invade
my privacy like that.
62
00:02:49,245 --> 00:02:50,878
Invade your privacy?
63
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,481
You shave your junk with the door open.
64
00:02:55,818 --> 00:02:57,885
So?
65
00:02:57,887 --> 00:03:00,987
To the apartment.
66
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:06,293
Well, maybe you'll change your mind
when you find out that the principal...
67
00:03:06,295 --> 00:03:08,462
Your old history teacher, Mr. Huck...
68
00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,531
said you can come back
and take the test this Friday,
69
00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:12,399
and if you pass,
you'll get your diploma.
70
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:13,801
[knock at door]
71
00:03:13,803 --> 00:03:14,835
If that's Mr. Huck,
72
00:03:14,837 --> 00:03:17,504
I will murder your face.
73
00:03:17,506 --> 00:03:18,771
Max, please don't kill me.
74
00:03:18,773 --> 00:03:20,740
I can live here, but I can't die here.
75
00:03:23,276 --> 00:03:24,811
Hey, girls.
76
00:03:27,948 --> 00:03:30,916
I got Google Glasses.
77
00:03:30,918 --> 00:03:33,586
See, right now, I'm looking at you
78
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:37,657
and ordering tapioca on Amazon.
79
00:03:39,159 --> 00:03:41,227
Now is not a great time, Sophie.
80
00:03:41,229 --> 00:03:43,462
Max is upset with me
because I'm trying to help her
81
00:03:43,464 --> 00:03:45,597
graduate from high school.
82
00:03:45,599 --> 00:03:47,366
Aw, you're sure she's
just not upset with you
83
00:03:47,368 --> 00:03:49,101
'cause of the way you chew?
84
00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:53,239
I'm sorry I have to chew, everyone.
85
00:03:53,241 --> 00:03:55,407
I found out Max can go take
one history test
86
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:57,709
in her hometown, and then
she'll get her diploma.
87
00:03:58,710 --> 00:04:00,511
Max, you know I've never been
88
00:04:00,513 --> 00:04:02,981
a big fan of hers...
89
00:04:04,049 --> 00:04:06,951
But I like the idea of
you getting that degree.
90
00:04:06,953 --> 00:04:08,753
I mean, I'll never live down
91
00:04:08,755 --> 00:04:11,555
not graduating from school for the deaf.
92
00:04:13,959 --> 00:04:15,493
You're not deaf, Sophie.
93
00:04:15,495 --> 00:04:18,295
I know. It was really hard.
94
00:04:19,964 --> 00:04:22,232
Well, I don't care who she called,
95
00:04:22,234 --> 00:04:23,700
'cause I'm not gonna do it.
96
00:04:23,702 --> 00:04:26,103
And if Mr. Huck thinks
I would ever step foot
97
00:04:26,105 --> 00:04:28,805
back in his Mr. Know-it-all university,
98
00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:30,573
I have two words for him.
99
00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:32,075
"Huck U."
100
00:04:34,178 --> 00:04:36,512
That's what Mr. Huck said you'd say.
101
00:04:36,514 --> 00:04:38,214
He also said that senior year,
102
00:04:38,216 --> 00:04:41,550
you sold "Huck U" T-shirts
103
00:04:41,552 --> 00:04:44,287
and that you have no ambition
and no follow-through.
104
00:04:44,289 --> 00:04:46,989
That's when I knew
he was really your teacher.
105
00:04:46,991 --> 00:04:49,158
No ambition?
106
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,459
I made enough off those shirts
107
00:04:50,461 --> 00:04:53,029
to do nothing for, like, a month.
108
00:04:55,131 --> 00:04:57,332
Look, I got two bus tickets
to Rhode Island.
109
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:59,567
I didn't even know you could buy
bus tickets ahead of time.
110
00:04:59,569 --> 00:05:01,536
I thought you just showed up,
and if you looked like
111
00:05:01,538 --> 00:05:03,704
you made enough mistakes
in life, they let you on.
112
00:05:05,607 --> 00:05:06,975
(Sophie) Come on, Max.
113
00:05:06,977 --> 00:05:09,945
I haven't waited this long
to hear someone say yes
114
00:05:09,947 --> 00:05:13,181
since I was at school for the deaf.
115
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:16,516
Fine.
116
00:05:16,518 --> 00:05:17,985
Fine, I'll go.
117
00:05:17,987 --> 00:05:21,822
But only because
Mr. Huck thinks I won't.
118
00:05:21,824 --> 00:05:24,391
Aw, okay, well, I'm gonna
let you two start studying.
119
00:05:24,393 --> 00:05:26,026
And in full disclosure,
120
00:05:26,028 --> 00:05:29,496
I watched some porno
during this conversation.
121
00:05:29,498 --> 00:05:30,931
See ya later.
122
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:36,836
Hey, Max.
123
00:05:36,838 --> 00:05:38,972
Caroline told everyone the good news
124
00:05:38,974 --> 00:05:41,774
about you going back to take
that American history test.
125
00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:43,042
Good for you.
126
00:05:43,044 --> 00:05:44,910
Yeah, I started studying last night,
127
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,846
and on behalf of all white people,
128
00:05:46,848 --> 00:05:49,648
I would like to apologize
for everything ever.
129
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,953
Well, apology accepted
for everything ever
130
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:58,290
except for slavery and the gap.
131
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,428
Here, Max, I brought
you the history book
132
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:05,497
which I'm studying from
for my citizenship test.
133
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,765
Aren't babies automatically citizens?
134
00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:13,371
I don't know why I root for you.
135
00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,040
Here, your country has a very rich past,
136
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:19,343
unlike Korea, which had
its past stolen by the Japanese.
137
00:06:20,678 --> 00:06:24,715
Han, we are not talking
about European history.
138
00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:27,651
We are talking about American history.
139
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,687
Oof, you're going to be
working here forever.
140
00:06:34,025 --> 00:06:35,626
Good luck, lady.
141
00:06:37,829 --> 00:06:39,663
Okay, Max, I've come up with a way
142
00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,832
for you to work
and study at the same time,
143
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:45,235
like when you shop
and steal at the same time.
144
00:06:45,237 --> 00:06:47,604
I know, when they show it to me
on those security cameras,
145
00:06:47,606 --> 00:06:49,907
I'm always impressed.
146
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,307
I mean, I really don't know
anyone else who's doing it.
147
00:06:54,144 --> 00:06:55,411
[bell dings]
148
00:06:55,413 --> 00:06:57,246
Max, pick-up. Burrito for table eight.
149
00:06:57,248 --> 00:06:58,748
Ugh, jeez, I just walked in.
150
00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:01,483
Why do I have to have
all this burrito drama?
151
00:07:01,485 --> 00:07:04,020
First, Caroline says I have to quiz you
152
00:07:04,022 --> 00:07:06,656
every time you come to the window, so...
153
00:07:06,658 --> 00:07:09,458
Who was the sexually
virile male pop singer
154
00:07:09,460 --> 00:07:12,861
responsible for the hit song
Jessie's Girl?
155
00:07:14,630 --> 00:07:15,864
Rick Springfield.
156
00:07:15,866 --> 00:07:19,267
Burrito's all yours, smarty.
157
00:07:19,269 --> 00:07:20,835
Oleg, no.
158
00:07:20,837 --> 00:07:22,070
You have to ask questions
159
00:07:22,072 --> 00:07:23,638
from the flash cards I provided.
160
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,506
They're color-coordinated by century
161
00:07:25,508 --> 00:07:28,276
and subdivided by president.
162
00:07:28,278 --> 00:07:29,877
Don't look at me like that, Max.
163
00:07:29,879 --> 00:07:32,413
I'm a fun person.
I taught myself the Dougie.
164
00:07:36,085 --> 00:07:38,152
Okay, here goes.
165
00:07:38,154 --> 00:07:41,622
Which amendment
to the United States constitution
166
00:07:41,624 --> 00:07:44,525
Guarantees a woman's right to...
167
00:07:44,527 --> 00:07:46,226
vote?
168
00:07:50,065 --> 00:07:52,532
Wait, women can vote?
169
00:07:54,168 --> 00:07:58,572
So when you say women can vote,
170
00:07:58,574 --> 00:08:02,342
you mean, like,
besides for American Idol?
171
00:08:04,345 --> 00:08:06,713
Max, you think you're
not smart, but you are.
172
00:08:06,715 --> 00:08:09,916
You just need to come up with
little tricks to help jog your memory.
173
00:08:09,918 --> 00:08:11,651
My memory doesn't jog.
174
00:08:11,653 --> 00:08:13,786
I've smoked so much pot,
it's in one of those hospitals
175
00:08:13,788 --> 00:08:15,955
learning to walk again.
176
00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:21,694
What was the Great Compromise?
177
00:08:21,696 --> 00:08:24,297
You mean besides you moving in with me?
178
00:08:24,299 --> 00:08:26,499
It created the two houses of Congress.
179
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:28,434
Hooty-hoo!
180
00:08:28,436 --> 00:08:30,669
Next question: What was the movement
181
00:08:30,671 --> 00:08:33,071
against the sale or drinking
of alcohol called?
182
00:08:33,073 --> 00:08:34,740
The bowel movement?
183
00:08:34,742 --> 00:08:37,543
No, the Temperance Movement.
184
00:08:37,545 --> 00:08:39,011
And don't mention the bathroom.
185
00:08:39,013 --> 00:08:41,079
I've had to pee since
we passed that last town
186
00:08:41,081 --> 00:08:43,048
that used to make something.
187
00:08:43,050 --> 00:08:44,383
Just go to the bathroom.
188
00:08:44,385 --> 00:08:46,417
What are you so afraid of?
189
00:08:46,419 --> 00:08:49,086
The bathroom.
190
00:08:49,088 --> 00:08:50,388
I will use a public bathroom.
191
00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:51,689
I will use a public bus.
192
00:08:51,691 --> 00:08:53,158
But I will not use the public bathroom
193
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:54,425
on a public bus.
194
00:08:54,427 --> 00:08:55,693
Next card.
195
00:08:55,695 --> 00:08:57,395
No, give me a twizzler. I know enough.
196
00:08:57,397 --> 00:08:59,030
No candy. Study harder.
197
00:08:59,032 --> 00:09:00,865
You're looking at a solid "D."
198
00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:03,868
Well, my grades should match my boobs.
199
00:09:03,870 --> 00:09:05,603
Next question. Okay.
200
00:09:05,605 --> 00:09:08,104
In what city
was The Constitution written?
201
00:09:08,106 --> 00:09:09,873
No idea.
202
00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:11,375
Philadelphia?
203
00:09:11,377 --> 00:09:13,143
Oh, damn it, I almost said that.
204
00:09:13,145 --> 00:09:14,344
It's right there.
205
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,547
Philadelphia makes cheesesteaks.
206
00:09:16,549 --> 00:09:19,316
The Constitution is cheesy.
207
00:09:19,318 --> 00:09:21,251
Why do I doubt myself?
208
00:09:21,253 --> 00:09:22,952
How much further?
209
00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:25,121
I thought Rhode Island
was supposed to be a tiny state.
210
00:09:25,123 --> 00:09:26,255
When are we stopping?
211
00:09:26,257 --> 00:09:27,657
Well, we have to pass Cranston,
212
00:09:27,659 --> 00:09:29,825
Providence, and then our stop is Hope.
213
00:09:29,827 --> 00:09:33,996
Wait, Max, you were born
in a town called "Hope"?
214
00:09:33,998 --> 00:09:35,598
Well, just outside Hope.
215
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,899
And success and money.
216
00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:38,668
[groans] Well, there's no hope for me.
217
00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:39,935
I have to pee so badly.
218
00:09:39,937 --> 00:09:41,837
I'm going in.
219
00:09:41,839 --> 00:09:43,072
Leave the twizzlers.
220
00:09:43,074 --> 00:09:44,507
Here, study.
221
00:09:45,742 --> 00:09:46,974
Oh, my God.
222
00:09:46,976 --> 00:09:48,243
You know the toilet
223
00:09:48,245 --> 00:09:50,478
isn't just there as a suggestion.
224
00:09:55,150 --> 00:09:56,618
[yelps]
225
00:10:07,612 --> 00:10:10,146
Wow, North East High.
226
00:10:10,148 --> 00:10:11,815
Never thought I'd be here again.
227
00:10:11,817 --> 00:10:14,918
This sure brings back no memories.
228
00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:18,087
It's cute.
229
00:10:18,089 --> 00:10:21,757
You know, in an underfunded
public school kind of way.
230
00:10:22,659 --> 00:10:25,428
Wait, are you in high school?
231
00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:28,331
Oh, my God, I'm 100.
232
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:30,166
Oh, there it is, 2-C.
233
00:10:30,168 --> 00:10:32,034
Hold on.
234
00:10:32,036 --> 00:10:33,435
Why are you covering those up?
235
00:10:33,437 --> 00:10:36,571
They're the only reason
I passed chemistry.
236
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,210
Max Black.
237
00:10:41,212 --> 00:10:44,012
Mr. Huck.
238
00:10:44,014 --> 00:10:45,413
I'm surprised.
239
00:10:45,415 --> 00:10:46,815
That I showed up?
240
00:10:46,817 --> 00:10:49,351
No, that you're alive.
241
00:10:49,353 --> 00:10:51,887
You and me both, sister.
242
00:10:51,889 --> 00:10:53,155
[chuckles]
243
00:10:53,157 --> 00:10:54,622
And you must be Caroline.
244
00:10:54,624 --> 00:10:56,023
Oh, you look just like the girls
245
00:10:56,025 --> 00:10:58,326
Max used to give wedgies to
in the cafeteria.
246
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:01,696
Still does.
247
00:11:01,698 --> 00:11:03,965
Oh, ladies, this is Hector.
248
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,299
Hector will be joining us today,
249
00:11:05,301 --> 00:11:07,569
As he was not in attendance
during exam day.
250
00:11:07,571 --> 00:11:09,637
Ay, yo, Mr. Huck,
that's 'cause my sister
251
00:11:09,639 --> 00:11:11,673
didn't wake me up 'cause she's a bitch.
252
00:11:13,942 --> 00:11:15,409
Very good.
253
00:11:17,645 --> 00:11:19,013
Ay, yo.
254
00:11:19,015 --> 00:11:20,915
This place is filled
with tiny tables, yo.
255
00:11:23,585 --> 00:11:24,785
Oh, I'm sorry.
256
00:11:24,787 --> 00:11:26,254
It's teachers and delinquents only
257
00:11:26,256 --> 00:11:27,521
beyond this point.
258
00:11:27,523 --> 00:11:29,423
You can wait out there.
259
00:11:29,425 --> 00:11:31,092
- Are you nervous?
- A little.
260
00:11:31,094 --> 00:11:32,559
I forgot I have a joint in my purse,
261
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:34,460
and I don't want to get expelled.
262
00:11:34,462 --> 00:11:36,562
Max, you can do this.
263
00:11:36,564 --> 00:11:38,131
I think you think you can't,
264
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:40,166
but I know that you can.
265
00:11:40,168 --> 00:11:41,801
Look at me.
266
00:11:41,803 --> 00:11:44,070
You are smart.
267
00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,071
What are you?
268
00:11:45,073 --> 00:11:46,439
Smart.
269
00:11:46,441 --> 00:11:48,375
See, you already got one question right.
270
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:51,711
Okay, kids,
271
00:11:51,713 --> 00:11:53,446
put on your thinking hats.
272
00:11:53,448 --> 00:11:55,915
Ay, yo, I thought we couldn't wear hats
273
00:11:55,917 --> 00:11:57,983
in the classroom.
274
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,587
I'm going to ignore that,
because if I don't,
275
00:12:01,589 --> 00:12:03,523
I will weep.
276
00:12:03,525 --> 00:12:06,526
"In 1775, Paul Revere
warned which two men
277
00:12:06,528 --> 00:12:09,729
That the British were
coming to arrest them?"
278
00:12:09,731 --> 00:12:11,664
In the Beastie Boys song Paul Revere,
279
00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:14,132
He had a horsie and a quart of beer.
280
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:17,268
Sam Adams is a beer,
and if you have too much,
281
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,471
you end up giving a john a hancock.
282
00:12:19,473 --> 00:12:21,673
Sam Adams and John Hancock!
283
00:12:25,277 --> 00:12:26,812
I wasn't this nervous
when I waited for the results
284
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:29,915
of a Hep C test.
285
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,818
Then again, I didn't
study for that one at all.
286
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:36,220
Ay, yo, I think I nailed it.
287
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:39,057
You failed, Hector.
288
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,191
For real?
289
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,859
For really real.
290
00:12:41,861 --> 00:12:43,061
You even got the answer wrong
291
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:45,596
that Max so graciously said out loud.
292
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:48,799
Aw, that's cool, Mr. Huck.
293
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:49,800
Next time, right?
294
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:50,901
[both chuckle]
295
00:12:50,903 --> 00:12:52,203
Sure.
296
00:12:54,138 --> 00:12:58,608
Max, I'm sorry to tell you that...
297
00:12:59,677 --> 00:13:01,511
I was wrong to doubt you.
298
00:13:01,513 --> 00:13:02,579
You got a "B".
299
00:13:02,581 --> 00:13:03,981
You passed.
300
00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:06,350
You lying son of a bitch.
301
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,517
[laughs]
302
00:13:08,353 --> 00:13:09,552
It's true, Max.
303
00:13:09,554 --> 00:13:11,188
In fact, I went over it three times
304
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,189
to make sure I wasn't insane.
305
00:13:14,491 --> 00:13:16,292
Whatever that friend
of yours there did to help you,
306
00:13:16,294 --> 00:13:18,227
It really worked.
307
00:13:18,229 --> 00:13:19,661
I'm sorry,
308
00:13:19,663 --> 00:13:21,263
But I can't stand out there any longer.
309
00:13:21,265 --> 00:13:22,531
I've caused a small pandemic
310
00:13:22,533 --> 00:13:25,134
of erections in freshman boys.
311
00:13:25,136 --> 00:13:26,468
I passed! I got a "B"!
312
00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:27,536
[gasps, squeals]
313
00:13:27,538 --> 00:13:29,638
Now my grade matches your boobs!
314
00:13:30,907 --> 00:13:32,140
I'm getting that stupid diploma
315
00:13:32,142 --> 00:13:34,442
I said I didn't care about.
316
00:13:37,413 --> 00:13:39,515
You can do more than
get that diploma, Max.
317
00:13:39,517 --> 00:13:41,550
Graduation is tomorrow,
and if you stay overnight,
318
00:13:41,552 --> 00:13:43,251
You can walk with the class
in the morning.
319
00:13:43,253 --> 00:13:46,721
Uh, yes.
320
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:49,557
You want to go to graduation?
321
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:51,826
That's so me of you.
322
00:13:51,828 --> 00:13:54,229
Well, I busted my "A" to get that "B",
323
00:13:54,231 --> 00:13:55,963
and I want to get the whole package.
324
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,499
That's great.
325
00:13:57,501 --> 00:13:59,234
Well, we'll see you
tomorrow at 10:00 A.M.
326
00:13:59,236 --> 00:14:01,102
And, Hector, we'll see you
in front of the AMPM
327
00:14:01,104 --> 00:14:02,670
asking strangers to buy you beer?
328
00:14:14,268 --> 00:14:16,503
I call the bed. You can have the table.
329
00:14:16,505 --> 00:14:19,239
Max, that bed is so tiny,
we're gonna have to spoon.
330
00:14:19,241 --> 00:14:21,041
The only spoon
that's ever been in this room
331
00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:23,510
was hovering over a flame.
332
00:14:23,512 --> 00:14:25,578
Well, it's cute.
333
00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:28,848
I'm not vaccinated
for anything in here, but...
334
00:14:28,850 --> 00:14:30,883
It's cute.
335
00:14:34,422 --> 00:14:37,524
And safe.
336
00:14:37,526 --> 00:14:38,758
Yeah, they have cable,
337
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,393
and you can rent rooms by the hour,
338
00:14:40,395 --> 00:14:42,361
so I used to come here
to watch Sex and the City
339
00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:44,863
with a prostitute named Tiny Marge.
340
00:14:44,865 --> 00:14:46,665
She'd bring me
banana bread and hang out.
341
00:14:46,667 --> 00:14:47,866
It was fun.
342
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:49,368
Oh, great.
343
00:14:49,370 --> 00:14:51,203
There's no coffeemaker.
344
00:14:51,205 --> 00:14:53,638
[sighs]
345
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,242
Never mind, found it.
346
00:14:57,244 --> 00:14:59,711
Your mom wasn't worried
when you'd come down here?
347
00:14:59,713 --> 00:15:01,146
No.
348
00:15:01,148 --> 00:15:02,480
She was a little jealous
that I was hanging out
349
00:15:02,482 --> 00:15:04,215
with Tiny Marge without her, but...
350
00:15:04,217 --> 00:15:08,053
The only thing my mom
ever worried about was herself.
351
00:15:08,055 --> 00:15:11,022
She's selfish.
352
00:15:11,024 --> 00:15:14,893
She missed my birth
'cause she "had a thing."
353
00:15:14,895 --> 00:15:17,328
Come on, she can't be that bad.
354
00:15:17,330 --> 00:15:20,164
Turns out, you're not that big
of a high school dropout,
355
00:15:20,166 --> 00:15:22,200
And she's probably
not that big of a monster.
356
00:15:22,202 --> 00:15:24,469
I mean, she raised you alone,
and you didn't die.
357
00:15:24,471 --> 00:15:26,304
I did actually, twice.
358
00:15:26,306 --> 00:15:28,872
But in fairness to her,
she wasn't there either time.
359
00:15:28,874 --> 00:15:31,742
Max, why don't you invite
her to your graduation?
360
00:15:31,744 --> 00:15:33,411
And don't say you don't have her number.
361
00:15:33,413 --> 00:15:37,281
I know it's in your phone
under "Lady I came out of".
362
00:15:37,283 --> 00:15:40,585
I also know I'm in your phone
as "Fart Monster."
363
00:15:40,587 --> 00:15:43,454
That's because I know,
like, three Carolines.
364
00:15:43,456 --> 00:15:44,421
No, you don't.
365
00:15:44,423 --> 00:15:45,689
Busted.
366
00:15:45,691 --> 00:15:46,957
Here, I'll dial,
367
00:15:46,959 --> 00:15:48,458
you just leave the message.
368
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:49,960
- Here.
- No!
369
00:15:49,962 --> 00:15:51,795
- Max!
- Fart monster!
370
00:15:51,797 --> 00:15:55,198
Just do it. You'll be so happy
when you see her there tomorrow.
371
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,934
If we live through the night.
372
00:15:58,369 --> 00:15:59,770
Hey, it's me, Max.
373
00:15:59,772 --> 00:16:02,405
Brown hair, lived in
you for 7 1/2 months,
374
00:16:02,407 --> 00:16:04,107
due to your inability
to read the warnings
375
00:16:04,109 --> 00:16:05,808
on the side of cigarettes.
376
00:16:05,810 --> 00:16:08,511
Listen, I'm graduating
from high school tomorrow,
377
00:16:08,513 --> 00:16:11,347
So if you're not busy
looking for pills under the stove
378
00:16:11,349 --> 00:16:13,249
or selling the neighbor's cat
for beer money,
379
00:16:13,251 --> 00:16:14,250
Why don't you come?
380
00:16:14,252 --> 00:16:15,518
Max!
381
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,520
What? That was a first draft.
382
00:16:17,522 --> 00:16:20,923
Hit three, delete, rerecord.
383
00:16:20,925 --> 00:16:22,659
Hey, it's me, Max.
384
00:16:22,661 --> 00:16:25,361
Look, I'm getting my degree
tomorrow at the high school.
385
00:16:25,363 --> 00:16:27,563
You know, that's the building
between the bar you drink at
386
00:16:27,565 --> 00:16:29,532
and the bar you dance at, so...
387
00:16:29,534 --> 00:16:32,535
Hit three, delete, rerecord.
388
00:16:32,537 --> 00:16:33,969
Hey, it's Max.
389
00:16:33,971 --> 00:16:35,971
I'm graduating
from high school tomorrow.
390
00:16:35,973 --> 00:16:37,939
If you can make it, it starts at 10:00.
391
00:16:37,941 --> 00:16:39,475
Okay, bye.
392
00:16:39,477 --> 00:16:41,544
See, that wasn't hard.
393
00:16:41,546 --> 00:16:45,113
This duvet is, but that wasn't.
394
00:16:49,552 --> 00:16:51,519
How come they only give you
one of these?
395
00:16:53,955 --> 00:16:55,590
Okay, Max, maybe don't say
anything else,
396
00:16:55,592 --> 00:16:57,692
or they'll take your diploma back.
397
00:16:57,694 --> 00:16:59,794
Okay, graduates, it's time.
398
00:16:59,796 --> 00:17:01,262
Everyone line up alphabetically,
399
00:17:01,264 --> 00:17:02,997
and let's make our way.
400
00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:06,166
Oh, and congratulations.
401
00:17:06,168 --> 00:17:07,367
You did it.
402
00:17:10,171 --> 00:17:12,639
Max, you look so smart in that robe.
403
00:17:12,641 --> 00:17:13,907
I'm not that smart.
404
00:17:13,909 --> 00:17:16,776
I just found out you're supposed to
wear clothes under this thing.
405
00:17:20,014 --> 00:17:21,348
Max, I never asked you.
406
00:17:21,350 --> 00:17:23,083
You were so close
to getting your diploma.
407
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,350
Why didn't you take that test?
408
00:17:24,352 --> 00:17:26,085
I was going to, but my mother
409
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,521
kept me out of school
that day to go to the mall.
410
00:17:28,523 --> 00:17:30,789
On finals day?
411
00:17:30,791 --> 00:17:32,391
Was there at least a special appearance
412
00:17:32,393 --> 00:17:33,826
by Raven-Symoné?
413
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,431
No one good ever came here.
414
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:41,534
Just like my mother
didn't come here today.
415
00:17:41,536 --> 00:17:43,368
There's still time. Maybe she'll come.
416
00:17:43,370 --> 00:17:44,569
Maybe.
417
00:17:44,571 --> 00:17:45,803
I mean, my dad was late
418
00:17:45,805 --> 00:17:47,472
to my graduation because his helicopter
419
00:17:47,474 --> 00:17:48,873
needed to refuel.
420
00:17:50,175 --> 00:17:53,077
Yeah, that's probably
what happened to my mom.
421
00:17:53,079 --> 00:17:56,914
But her helicopter's probably
passed out on top of her.
422
00:18:00,286 --> 00:18:02,786
I have never been more confident,
423
00:18:02,788 --> 00:18:05,489
because as I stand here and look out
424
00:18:05,491 --> 00:18:07,124
at all of you today...
425
00:18:07,126 --> 00:18:09,860
I was my class valedictorian.
426
00:18:09,862 --> 00:18:12,396
I realize nobody can stop us.
427
00:18:12,398 --> 00:18:15,566
Mm-hmm, yeah, I thought that too.
428
00:18:15,568 --> 00:18:18,636
We are the future.
429
00:18:18,638 --> 00:18:20,537
Mm-hmm, sure we are,
until you have to pee on a bus
430
00:18:20,539 --> 00:18:22,005
in ten years.
431
00:18:24,408 --> 00:18:25,608
[mouthing words]
432
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:27,710
[mouthing words]
433
00:18:27,712 --> 00:18:29,746
(Mr. Huck) Thank you, amy.
434
00:18:29,748 --> 00:18:31,648
It's hard to imagine
not hearing that voice
435
00:18:31,650 --> 00:18:34,817
Every day for the next four years.
436
00:18:34,819 --> 00:18:37,253
[nasal, perky voice] Thank you.
437
00:18:42,058 --> 00:18:45,627
Hi, Mrs.... Ms....
Max's mom.
438
00:18:45,629 --> 00:18:47,629
This is Caroline Channing,
your daughter Max's
439
00:18:47,631 --> 00:18:50,866
best friend and roommate
and business partner.
440
00:18:50,868 --> 00:18:52,601
I didn't want to leave
this on a voice mail,
441
00:18:52,603 --> 00:18:54,937
but I cannot believe you didn't show up
442
00:18:54,939 --> 00:18:56,338
to your own daughter's graduation
443
00:18:56,340 --> 00:18:57,773
when you are the sole reason
444
00:18:57,775 --> 00:18:59,508
she didn't graduate in the first place.
445
00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:02,243
I mean, who takes their daughter
to the mall on finals day?
446
00:19:02,245 --> 00:19:03,778
What kind of mother are you?
447
00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:05,880
And all the times
I've defended you to Max...
448
00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:08,482
Not to make it about me,
but it was a lot...
449
00:19:08,484 --> 00:19:10,718
Saying, "She's not that bad.
She's not that bad."
450
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,021
Well, I guess you are that bad.
Max is right.
451
00:19:13,023 --> 00:19:15,423
You are a monster.
452
00:19:15,425 --> 00:19:17,258
If you're on your way,
we're in the second row.
453
00:19:17,260 --> 00:19:19,093
I have blonde hair.
454
00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:23,763
[pomp and circumstance playing]
455
00:19:23,765 --> 00:19:26,800
[cheers and applause]
456
00:19:26,802 --> 00:19:28,735
Christina Bayers.
457
00:19:28,737 --> 00:19:30,971
Whoo, that's my granddaughter!
458
00:19:37,546 --> 00:19:40,080
Salazar Belmonte.
459
00:19:40,082 --> 00:19:42,148
[cheers and applause]
460
00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:44,183
That's my boy!
461
00:19:45,486 --> 00:19:46,953
Max Black.
462
00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:49,088
[mouthing words]
463
00:19:52,159 --> 00:19:53,326
Max Black.
464
00:19:53,328 --> 00:19:56,262
[scattered applause]
465
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:02,634
(Sophie) Whoo-whoo!
466
00:20:02,636 --> 00:20:04,603
That's my downstairs neighbor!
467
00:20:04,605 --> 00:20:08,440
Whoo-whoo! Yeah!
468
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,018
So what, you called them all?
469
00:20:20,020 --> 00:20:22,754
Yeah, you know, just in case.
470
00:20:22,756 --> 00:20:24,189
Max, you were right, and I was wrong.
471
00:20:24,191 --> 00:20:26,291
Your mother's really as bad as you said.
472
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:28,493
Mm, oh, it's not that bad.
473
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:29,660
What do you mean?
474
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,162
She took you to the mall on finals day.
475
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:33,064
Yeah, but it was the greatest day
476
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,299
we ever had.
477
00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:35,767
We got ice cream,
478
00:20:35,769 --> 00:20:38,035
we ate it in the massage chairs
at Brookstone,
479
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:39,603
and then a kid fell in the fountain,
480
00:20:39,605 --> 00:20:41,605
and we died laughing.
481
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,673
Well, I guess you can
graduate high school any day,
482
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:47,144
but you can only watch a kid
almost drown in a fountain once.
483
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:50,680
It is okay that she wasn't
there today, because you were.
484
00:20:50,682 --> 00:20:52,416
And none of this
would have been possible
485
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:53,817
if you hadn't pushed me.
486
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:56,020
And that kid wouldn't
have almost drowned
487
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:57,486
if I hadn't pushed him.
488
00:20:58,855 --> 00:21:00,023
Little different.
489
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:03,126
Bottom line, you had faith in me
490
00:21:03,128 --> 00:21:05,929
like Thomas Jefferson
had faith in Lewis and Clark.
491
00:21:06,897 --> 00:21:09,398
Oh, no.
492
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,200
Now you're both nerds!
493
00:21:16,893 --> 00:21:20,525
Synced and corrected by backinblack
www.addic7ed.com