Yes! Ripped By mstoll
That's wee stick.
First day on the job...
Officially.
- Hannah's pregnant! - What he said.
Derek!
Look. She has to wee there, and if it's pregnant
it goes a little cross, and there's a little cross.
So his testicles works! She's having a baby.
(APPLAUSE)
How long was that a secret?
I bet my wee was still warm on the stick!
Oh, nice one, you guys. I knew you could do it.
- Thank you. Everyone just calm down. - Shall we tweet that?
No. No, definitely not.
And anyway, Derek, all your followers are in the room, so they'll know.
Everyone knows.
- Hannah's pregnant. See where the wee... - Oh.
...and then turns that little cross? - God, you need to stop him.
- I found it in the bin. - Derek, Derek...
- What? - Put that in the bin.
I'm just showing these... Look, that's where she wee-ed,
- and that's where she's pregnant. - Come on,
- listen, everybody doesn't want... - Geoff.
Hannah's pregnant.
I hope she's going to keep it...
- What? - What?
No, I'm just... just saying I hope she's going to keep it,
cos I heard that aborted babies go up to heaven, right, and they grow up,
but then they wait for the mums to come up, cos they hate them, and they hate them
for murdering them, and then they, like, punish the mums for ever and ever.
It's like purgatory, basically.
- What's he banging on about? - I'm telling you what I heard. I'm not...
- Right. - Yeah.
Got it.
- Come on, let's put that in the bin. - Why don't you just shut up?
Yeah, listen to her.
- Shut your mouth. - What?
- What's wrong with you? - Not allowed to say what I think?
MAN: It's weird, isn't it?
How long's it take you to finish a jigsaw?
Oh, don't know really. Till it's done.
HANNAH: That's your tea there, Annie.
Here, Anthony's asked me out on a date.
- Has he? - Yeah.
- When did he ask you? - Last night.
Can I go?
Of course you can. It's exciting.
But, what... Anthony, my dad Anthony, asked you out on a date?
- And you're going with him? - Yeah.
VICKY: Fuck off, then, you prick, and go shag someone else.
See if I care. You're a dickhead.
Oh fuck off, will ya?!
Morning.
- Morning! - Are you all right?
Anthony's asked Annie out on a date.
Oh, fuck. Men are all dickheads.
The lot of them. They're all pricks, ain't they?
(VICKY SIGHS)
Where's he taking ya?
A restaurant.
Oh, that's nice, innit?
Do you want me to do your hair?
Would you? Oh, thank you.
Was that your new beau then?
Yeah.
What happened to tattoo face?
I got an upgrade, all right? But he's as big a dick as the last one, so...
- So? - All right?
You like bad boys, eh?
Look no further.
Yeah, there's...
There's bad and there's bad, in't there?
Explain.
Well, there's bad like a lion,
like, he's big and scary and handsome, but he's dangerous.
Like, so you might get hurt. There's that bad.
Then there's bad like a...
like a massive bucket of shit, and piss,
and beer, and fag butts, and all the rest of it,
and everyone can smell it, and no-one wants to touch it.
Not under any circumstances.
- There's that bad. - And I'm the bucket, yeah?
Nice analogy.
Well explained.
(SIGHS)
See ya in a bit, yeah?
Yeah, see ya.
Derek, you know they're cooking chocolate, don't you?
Yeah, I likes all chocolate.
- BOYFRIEND: Vicky! - Don't eat them all.
No, just enough.
Oh, fuck. Dickhead's back.
- Do you want me to come with you? - No, don't worry.
- I'll deal with him. - BOYFRIEND: Vicky!
- VICKY: God, what are you doing here? - That her boyfriend?
- Don't come here. I work here. - (GASPS) They're arguing.
- Shall I go out there? - KEV: Derek.
- What? - Never get involved in
affairs of the heart, mate. Also, he might have a knife.
VICKY: Get off me!
(GASPS) He's grabbing her! Shall I go out there?
Hannah's out there.
Get your fucking hands off her, you little cunt! Fucking bully.
What do you want, you little cunt? Fuck off!
You fucking deserved that, you little prick.
You had enough?
HANNAH: Right.
- VICKY: You dickhead! - HANNAH: Get inside. Get inside.
- BOYFRIEND: Fuck you, you bitch. - Fuck's sake.
VICKY: Fucking hell!
They beat him up.
(DOOR OPENS)
(APPLAUSE)
- Did you see that? - Yeah. What was she shouting?
What was you shouting?
- Oh, she's mental. - Nothing.
"Who wants it?" She was smacking the other boy. She said "cunt" a lot as well!
- All right! - Sorry.
You're a legend! Take a bow...
That just happened. I actually hit a bloke with a rolling pin.
All I need now is an apron on and my hair in rollers.
You've got an apron on, and your hair is up, so...
Yeah, that's true. That's it then.
I am actually a 1950s battle-axe now from an old Beano. Brilliant. I am my nan.
Oh, God. You're mad.
I'm mad? You go out with these blokes.
If you didn't go out with them, I wouldn't have to hit them.
Oh, sorry, you're the mad one, hitting people with rolling pins. Who does that?
I like... I like the sound it makes.
Did you?
Yeah, it's like a..."donk"!
- You were happy with that, were you? - Yeah!
Over the moon with that, the donk.
It was quite funny, actually. It was quite a laugh.
Oh, he deserved it an' all, that's...
He did.
(GASPS)
- Vicky... I got another tweet. - Oh, yeah. Go on, then.
- Quick. - Yeah.
- Hashtag Derek says... - Yeah, always.
Derek says, RT if you loves toast.
Is that it, yeah? Yep.
- Send. - Done.
Bloody hell. He loves Twitter, he does.
We should get you on there, Sheila.
No!
Yeah, you'd love it. Great way to talk to your mates or meet boys.
I'm too old for all that now.
Oh, I don't know. Why how did yous lot network when you was younger?
Sent a letter.
Yeah, but, how long did that take?
Three or four days to get there, and then wait for the reply.
Wouldn't you just have a new boyfriend by then?
(LAUGHS) Yes. Some girls did.
Yeah, we had a... a name for that sort of thing.
Go for the nice ones.
They'll stay nice ones, whatever happens.
These exciting peacocks,
one day, the feathers'll all fall out.
And what are they then?
Just cocks?
(LAUGHS) Exactly!
Here she comes.
She's got a lot of love to give, that woman. A lot of love.
Neck and face like a blind cobbler's thumb, but a lot of bloody love.
Still, you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire.
The mantelpiece being the face, the fire being the minge or the ass.
Whatever I can reach at the time.
Normally the ass.
Take a left turn, babe.
Take your time. OK?
That's it. Pop yourself in there.
Bloody hell, there's literally no room for me now.
Like squeezing into a tin of Spam.
Look... What's he... What's he...
- Here you go, Derek. Are you all right? - I'm distressed. My...
My dad's taking Tom's nan out on a date.
It's not against the rules or anything.
He's still chasing ladies at his age, innit?
And I'm happy that he's happy. And I'm happy that she's happy,
but it's complicated, innit, relationships?
What if summat goes wrong
and it's awkward and they got to see each other every day?
And what if the other ladies get jealous, says "I...
"I wanted to go out with a man. Why couldn't he go out with me?"
What if they all starts doing it? Going out with each other.
It'll be like TOWIE in 'ere.
Oh, Derek.
Have you not ever tried dating before?
No.
Well, you should. Everyone's doing it nowadays online.
Get yourself an internet dating profile. Put your picture up. Worth a try.
Good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea.
- Yeah, come on. - No, it's all right.
- Come on, it's worth a try, Derek. - Let's get you on the computer, boy.
- Come on. - What are you doing?
- Vicky? - Um...
- What you doing? - Internet dating.
- Wh... What are you putting in? - Minge on demand.
Don't... Don't put in "minge on demand".
- All right. Quim on demand. - Don't put "quim".
Are you all right?
- Are you all right? - Yeah...
What's the matter?
- Annie... - What?
She's asked me to...
...to wax her.
To what?
She wants me to wax her...
Really?
Yeah.
What, for the...
Yeah, the date, yeah.
- What, all of it? - Yeah.
Yeah, she wants it...
...all gone.
- What, like a Brazilian? - No. A Hollywood.
Oh.
Listen... after this is done...
...we don't talk about this, yeah? - No.
No.
- Like, never, yeah? - No.
(SIGHS)
No.
Has anyone tried to get in contact with me yet?
Hold on, mate. I've just set up the profile page.
- I knew they wouldn't. Nobody... - How we doing?
He's set up my profile page on Sweethearts Online.
Dating website. That's me, that's Derek Noakes. That's my picture.
- Brilliant. - That's all the stuff about me,
and I just waits for ladies to want to... That's all the ladies what are available.
- You got Clare... - Yeah.
- Rachel... - Yeah.
It's Janice.
It's my Janice.
- It's my Janice! - Are you sure it's definitely her?
Yes, I am sure it's my Janice.
I took that picture when we were at the funfair.
She's smiling there because I just chucked one up her behind the ghost train.
Look at her.
Status - single.
That's nice, that's nice(!)
Weight - 130...
130 pounds?
She got 130 pounds in her pants.
Jesus, who's that?
It's his girlfriend. He's upset.
She's put herself on a dating website looking for another man, so he's...
- She's dumped you? - Yeah.
- Aw! Are you feeling rejected? - Yeah, be nice.
- Is he crying? - No, he's not crying. Be nice though.
- Aw... Loser. - (GASPS)
- Kev. - I'll never get married. No way.
Not letting them get half my house.
- Have you got a house? - Eh?
- You got a house? - No, but me mum has,
but, you know, they're not getting that. I know what they're like.
I know what you lot are like.
Give "em an inch, they'll take a mile.
Rejected.
You have been rejected, Kevin.
Come on, Kev. It's not that bad.
Can't believe it.
Thought she was my safety net.
Or the big, old, stained crash-mat, as I used to call her.
What did she call you?
Eh?
Did you think it was exclusive?
Well, who else would have her?
You've seen her. You've smelt her.
Mm.
Called my brother for the first time in three years, it must be bad.
Yeah?
He's a screw-up.
He's the black sheep of the family.
He's coming over.
Sorry?
He's the black sheep of the family?!
Big time.
Your family?
The Twines.
He's the one we dare not speak about.
But he's a good kid.
I am at an all-time low.
Janice has dumped me.
Fuck me. How's that make me look?
I've called my brother. He's coming down.
What a long, streaky, hairy, pissy shit he is.
Looks like a withered owl.
But he's a good guy.
He's my brother, and we're there for one another.
He's been very unfortunate in his life, you know.
Been run over nine times.
I don't know what to expect.
It's like when they say, "Imagine how big the universe is,"
and it's incomprehensible.
There's someone out there worse than Kev?!
(DOOR OPENS)
Brother. My brother, mate.
Oi!
- Sign of the Twine, mate. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoa!
We're... We're the flange warriors.
We're the flange warriors, mate. How you doing, mate?
All right, boy?
You're not used to the cameras, are you? Here.
- I don't like that. - Huh?
- I don't like that. - Ignore it. Ignore it, mate.
- Still got a lazy funnel? - Yeah.
Yeah?
Oh, it's lovely to see you, mate.
- Are you all right, boy? - Huh?
- You all right, boy? - Yeah.
Hello.
My best mate.
You his brother?
- Yip. - What's...
What's up with him?
What's up with you, mate? Where do we start?
What you doing now, mate?
- Walking, mate. - Whereabouts?
- County to county. - What d'you mean?
Doing a... doing the rivers, ain't I?
Shagging anything that moves?
We used to call him Fuckleberry Finn.
Hannah.
Hello.
She runs the place, mate. Don't worry about her, she runs the place.
- Who's that? - Hannah.
Been trying to do her pretty white ass for 18 months.
Good boy.
So, what you shagging? Women? Men?
Women. I won't shag men. I'll let them...do me,
because there's, you know...
there's no feeling down there now.
But a... p... penis...
That's sacred, boy.
Put it there, bro.
How is your arse?
Shot to shit.
My arse has got no latch.
That what you want to hear?
Probably not.
It's weird. Kev's the good one.
I know.
Kev's the smart one out of these two, ain't he?
- It's lovely seeing you again, mate. - And you.
You should move in 'ere.
(WHISPERS) Nah...
Come on, got a caravan in the car park, mate.
Landed on your feet, ain't ya?
- Old lucky bollocks here again. - That's not lucky bollocks, mate.
It's lucky bollocks.
- Always the lucky one, weren't ya?! - You make your own fucking luck.
- You make your own fucking luck, mate. - Lucky one!
- You make your own luck, mate. - Lucky one!
HANNAH: Right, well, then, yes, there is someone worse than Kev.
That's incredible, isn't it?
Like, if I had to choose to be one of 'em, I'd choose to be Kev.
That's... I never thought I'd say that.
And this, got all this now, ain't ya?
Are you jealous of me?
Fuck off!
Dreaming, boy.
Who puts these ideas in your 'ead?
Come on, then, boy. Talk to me, lean on me.
My brother, in't he? Talk to me, boy.
- Man falls in love. - Hmm.
Gives a woman everything.
Emotionally...
- spiritually... - (SCOFFS)
- Definitely does it bloody physically. - Yeah, I hear ya, mate. I hear ya.
- Do you? - Keep talking to me.
Well, the woman's not interested, mate. She's looking elsewhere.
I'm absolutely gutted, mate.
I thought she was a keeper.
It's your heart, mate.
- Go with that. - That's good advice, innit?
That's not bad. Follow your heart.
You always were the wise man, mate. I appreciate that.
I'm here, boy.
Done.
There goes the wisest man I know.
Sign of the Twine, mate.
That's it.
Clever boy.
Where are you going?
Crawley.
- Bye. - Bye.
He makes me feel normal.
- Cliff? - Yeah, he's interesting.
It's interesting to see someone who looks up to you.
Innit?
I can't get my head around it.
- Bye. - They're going on a date.
- You look great. - Bye.
- You look smart, Dad. - So do you, boy.
- Do I? - You always look smart.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
See you.
There's nothing I wouldn't do, given half a chance.
Mind you, there's those I can't do,
but I wouldn't mind giving it a try before I die.
(THEY CHUCKLE)
(SIGHS)
(DOOR OPENS)
Hello.
- Hello. - You all right?
- Yeah.
Your nan's gone off on a date with Derek's dad.
Is she all right?
- Yeah. She looked lovely. - Good.
Good news.
What a game bird your gran still is.
Naughty Nana.
- What? - Well, she's mowed the lawn, mate.
Ready for the tea party.
- What does that mean? - HANNAH: Nothing.
She's cleared the runway, mate, ready for landing.
- HANNAH: Tea? D'you want a cup of tea? - What are you talking about?
KEV: She's had all her pubes removed so it's lovely and smooth down there.
Oh, God.
- KEV: A completely hairless, shiny minge. - What?
TOM: Fuck's sake. Stop going on about my nan's bald fanny!
That.
All right, mate, calm down, I haven't seen it myself.
(WHISPERS) Good. You're not even supposed to think about it.
Are you not curious at all?
- Not in the slightest. - Well, I am.
If you don't mind, I'm going to start imagining it.
Like a naked mole rat yawning.
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
If it's a boy baby, call it Justin, after Justin Timberlake.
If it's a girl baby, call it Susan, after Susan Boyle.
- I don't know about that, Derek. - Yeah, it's a good idea.
Is that what you want to be thinking every time you look at that baby?
- (DOOR OPENS) - Here they are.
- Hello. - Hello.
Did you have a good time?
Oh, lovely, yeah, it was great.
It was really nice.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
I'm going to hit the sack. Night.
- Good night. - Good night.
Sleep tight.
Night, Dad.
- So it went well? - Yes, it was lovely, you know.
I think I'll go to bed, too.
- OK. - OK.
- Night-night. - Good night.
- Night, Nan. - Night.
Shall I bring you a cup of cocoa?
No. Do not come into my room.
KEV: Naughty, naughty Nana.
Mole rat is getting its supper.
(NIBBLES)
(WHINES)
"I'm full!"
- KEV: Derek. - DEREK: What?
Have you any idea what, in the name of Christ, your dad's doing with Tom's nan?
No.
Urgh!
Do you want to hear a story, Derek?
Yeah.
This is a story about, er...
two blokes that went caravanning,
and, er... said their good nights.
About an hour later this gang of, sort of, male rapists...
- Male rapists? - Yeah.
What's that? Male rapists?
Men that rape other men.
They burst into the caravan,
and they just start bumming them. Nonstop.
And, of course, they're cannibals as well. They just...
Cannibals? What's that?
They eat... Eating hu... They're sort of eating human flesh.
- They bum the two men... - Yeah.
...and then they fed on their flesh... - Yeah.
...and then they left them to rot.
That's the worstest story what I've ever heard.
Shall we leave the light on tonight?
No. Turn it off, mate, cos I've got to have my tug.
DEREK: What would win out of a male rapist and a cannibal?
KEV: Not now, Derek. You're putting me off my stroke, mate.
DEREK: Sorry.
Night, Kev.
Night, Derek. Ripped By mstoll