WALDEN: Previously on Two and a Half Men.
Tonight would be a great time to tell Larry that you're not Jeff Strongman.
That you're really Alan Harper.
If you tell Larry who you are, he'll wonder why I didn't tell him. Ripped By mstoll
Will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
- Who the hell is Alan Harper? - Larry, look!
Boobs!
We could go in the other room and you could play with them.
- Huh? - Really, in the middle of the day?
Wait a minute. Who's Alan Harper?
I am gonna answer that, but before I do.
What do you say, Gretchie? Will you marry me?
- Yes. - Oh, my God!
You've made me the happiest man in the world.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
And for your question, Larry.
I just want to say that everything you've known about me is a lie.
My real name is Alan.
That's okay. My real name is Lawrence.
Right, this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.
Lyndsey is my ex-girlfriend.
When you and she got together, I made up a fake name
so that I could meet you and stay close to Lyndsey.
But it turns out I actually like you more than I like Lyndsey!
I like you more than Lyndsey, too!
What the hell is happening here?
So your name is not really Jeff Strongman?
It's Alan Harper and you used to date Lyndsey?
For four years.
Did you know about this?
Yes, he was my boyfriend.
- But I'm with you now, and only you. - And I'm really, really sorry.
Oh, save it, Jeff. If that's even your real name.
I think I made it clear it's not, but okay.
I told Alan that I thought he should tell you the truth
because I thought you deserved to know.
How could you keep this from me?
I would never lie to you. This is unbelievable!
I never wanted any of this to happen.
Well, it did. Now I've lost my two best friends.
And this time, I'm not talking about your boobs.
I don't wanna see either one of you again!
I'm still not talking about your boobs!
Wedding's off!
- LYNDSEY: Larry, wait! - Oh, God. See?
This is exactly why I didn't wanna tell him!
Now both Lyndsey and Larry hate me
and I've ruined the lives of two wonderful people.
I'll never forget the look on...
Ooh, boobs!
♪ (THEME SONG) ♪
(ATTEMPTS COLOMBIAN ACCENT): Say, hello to my little friend!
What is that?
(NORMAL VOICE): The most advanced, robotic, artificial intelligence today.
I call him, WALD-E. Get it?
Because I'm Walden and the movie, WALL-E. "WALD-E"?
Say, hello to my friend, Jenny.
Hello to my friend, Jenny.
I programmed him to be funny.
I beg to differ.
You're jealous, you don't have an electronic friend to play with.
Trust me.
I have a whole drawer of electronic friends.
Then, maybe we can have a zero-one-one-way.
That's a three-way in binary.
Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead!
Hey.
Oh, hey. Check out my new robot.
I detect no sign of intelligent life.
I'm not in the mood for this. Can you turn him off?
I wish I could, WALD-E. What's going on?
Larry texted me. He wants to see me. What do you think he wants?
Well, given the fact you blew up his entire life,
I'm guessing he either wants to kick your ass,
or rip your face off so you can watch him kick your ass.
This is all my fault.
I should've just been honest and told the truth from the start.
Lying is never the answer.
I know. I'll tell him I'm sick. What's a trendy illness?
Look, you have to man up and face the consequences.
Maybe you're right. I at least owe him that much.
I'll just go and... Achoo!
(CLEARS THROAT GRUFFLY) Oh. Oh.
Alan, when people sneeze, they don't say, "Ha-choo. Oh. Oh."
Fine. But when he beats me, you're on bedpan duty.
Look, if it makes you feel better, I'll go with you.
He only wants to go, so when Larry beats you up,
he can say, "I told you so."
That is not true!
Even though I repeatedly told him to stop lying about who he was
and deceiving the people around him
and eventually, it would blow up in his face,
I'm not going to say, I told you so.
Well, I appreciate that.
I want to film Larry kicking his ass and then say, "I told you so."
- Hey, Alan. - Oh, hey, hey, Larry.
I don't have a weapon.
Hi, I'm Walden. Alan's friend.
Just act like I'm not here and punch like no one's watching.
And action.
So, you said you wanted to talk?
- (STAMMERING) Louder. - Sorry, what?
Louder! There's a lot of ambient noise here.
So you said you wanted to talk?
Yeah, I actually came here to tell you that I forgive you!
No, cut! Cut! Wait a sec. You forgive him?
I realized this anger isn't good. I had to let it all go.
No!
He's not gonna learn his lesson if you forgive him!
The only way he's gonna learn is through pain and suffering,
and possibly losing a tooth!
No, he's gonna be my brother-in-law
and make an honest woman out of Gretchen.
She's not gonna be an honest woman on our wedding night.
That's the guy I know and love who's banging my sister.
I do love banging your sister.
No, the only banging I wanna see is you banging his face!
Ooh. That didn't come out right.
Gretchen is the most amazing woman I've ever met.
I just have to scrape together enough money for the wedding.
Oh, I know what you mean. Ours was costing me a fortune.
I already paid for the flowers, the cake, the tux.
Too bad you can't just take his wedding.
Or can I?
- I was kidding. - Well, why not?
This cup says, "Peter" on it, but Peter wasn't there to get it.
I'm not gonna use it.
Me and Lyndsey are through. So you might as well.
You can't mooch a wedding that you just destroyed.
I know. How great is that? Classic Alan Harper.
"Jeff Strongman".
I don't know how I didn't see through it sooner.
It was an obviously made-up name.
"Jeff".
Mom, this is my fiancée, Gretchen Martin.
- It is so nice to finally meet you. - Oh, you, too, dear.
- How far along are you? - What?
My mother assumes that since you agreed to marry me,
- you must be pregnant. - Oh, no, I'm not pregnant.
- Are you after my money? - Of course not!
Estas buscando trabajo en el mundo nuevo?
What?
Not looking for a green card either.
- You must genuinely like Alan. - Yeah.
This is uncharted territory for me.
I know. She actually loves me for me.
I had to pretend to make it all happen, but still.
Boy, that is some ring you bought her.
Actually, that's the ring my ex-husband got me.
But I still had it. I figured, why make Alan buy one?
My God, you've found your soul-mate.
I know.
Our honeymoon is at her cousin's timeshare.
He can't use it because he had a heart attack.
We're so blessed.
Speaking of blessings,
Thank you for raising a caring, thoughtful, intelligent son.
Oh, you're serious.
So when's the big day?
Oh, it's next Saturday.
We're gonna have a small affair, here at the house.
We're trying to keep costs down.
- Are your parents coming? - No, my parents have passed away.
Again, we're so blessed.
So where are you planning on living after you marry?
We're not in a rush to go anywhere. I mean, beach house, no rent.
Don't be ridiculous. You need your own place.
That's easier said than done, Mom.
How about if I gave you a down-payment towards your own...
Oh, I love you, Mom!
I won't go that far, but thank you.
- Walden. - Don't worry, Alan's not with me.
It's amazing how infrequently I actually get to say that.
What's up?
I wanted to make sure you're okay.
That's sweet, but I'm fine.
When I get dumped, I end up sobbing in a bathtub,
listening to Michael Bublé.
I call it "My Bublé bath".
- You sure you're alright? - Yeah.
I was about to marry Larry.
He once called Venetian blindcleaners
because he wanted to help handicapped Italians.
If Alan and Gretchen are supposed to be together,
I wish them the best.
If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me.
- Thanks. - Okay.
Siri, remind me to draw a Bublé bath tonight.
What's up, Larry?
You forgive me and you still wanna marry me?
Oh, Alan.
You never stopped loving me and you wanna marry me, too?
I am the luckiest woman in the world.
(LIGHT-HEARTED LAUGHTER)
(SOBBING)
- Everybody, freeze. - What the hell?
Berta, I know where you hide your pot.
WALD-E! No!
Now that's how you deal with a DEA drone.
No, it's my robot!
I was playing ajoke!
Oh.
It was funny.
(WHIMPERING)
Don't worry, little ro-buddy. We'll get you on life support.
Or tech support. Oh, he would've loved that joke.
I lost the head of one of my toys once.
I had to go to the emergency room to get it out.
Listen, I know this may not be an opportune moment,
but I was wondering.
Would you do me the honor of being my Best Man?
Of course.
I would've been hurt if you didn't ask.
Oh, thanks. Thanks. Great, man.
And better get your speech ready for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm taking everybody to Souplantation.
Fingers crossed, we all end up at the same table.
Come on, come on, come on. You got to go someplace fancy.
- But I can't afford. - I'll pay for it.
Great, we've got reservations at 7:30 at La Dolce.
(WALDEN CLINKING GLASS WITH KNIFE)
I would like to make a toast to the bride and groom.
I don't look at this as losing a friend,
so much as gaining a guest room.
I don't see this as losing a friend, either.
Anyway, to the happy couple.
Alan, you're like a brother to me.
And, Gretchen,
you have a smile that lights up those around you.
And a heart big enough to let them all in.
So, cheers.
That was so sweet.
Is he gay?
If he was, you think I'd be with you right now?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Occupied.
(HANDLE JIGGLING FURIOUSLY)
Occupado.
Sprechen-sie-pooping.
- Alan! - Lyndsey?
I need to talk to you.
You scared the crap out of me! Literally!
This will just take a second.
But what are you doing? My family's here in the restaurant!
I'm here to say yes!
To what?
Your proposal! I wanna be your wife.
I am yours, forever and ever and ever.
I am crazy for you!
Oh, I don't doubt that.
I know you still want me. Fate has brought us here together.
Actually, my lactose intolerance has brought us here together.
Whatever. It was meant to be.
Lyndsey, as romantic as this moment is,
I'm in love with Gretchen.
What happened to me?
I was a bride!
Men were fighting over me!
Am I not hot anymore?
(LONG SNIFFLE)
I'm gonna need that.
(SOBBING)
Here.
They're sanitized for your protection.
(BLOWS LOUDLY)
- Look, I still care about you and... - Oh, stop it!
I don't want your pity.
I'm gonna get out of here while I still have my dignity.
Oh, great.
Now everyone at the table is gonna know I was pooping.
Hey, Alan.
I have a little surprise for your big day.
Ohh! Cash or check?
I brought Jake to the wedding.
My son. Yes, yes. That's way better than cash.
Where is he?
Hi, Dad.
Pull my finger.
(MAKES FLATULENCE SOUND)
Classic Robot Jake.
Alan, can I see you a second?
Did you see Jake came to the wedding?
Sure, of course. Hello, Jake.
- Hey, Larry. - Hey.
Looking pretty pensive.
Oh, thanks. It's a rental.
You look pretty pensive, too.
Actually, thank you.
Hey, I wanted to say that it's...
It's pretty big of you to forgive Alan the way you did.
I mean, after hearing that he was sleeping with Lyndsey
when you two were dating.
Is apparently something you're hearing for the first time.
Are you freaking kidding me? They were cheating? I'll kill him!
- Larry, Larry, I'm sorry. - For what?
This.
(THUDS)
Okay, let's get this show on the road!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the rush?
I accidentally told Larry
that you and Lyndsey were cheating on him.
So he wanted to kill you. So I pushed him off the deck.
Let's go, show-time! Chop-chop, come on!
♪ ("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS) ♪
Oh.
Wow, so pensive.
- Where's my brother? - Oh...
(STAMMERS) He was overcome with emotion. So he hit the beach.
But don't worry. I'm filming it.
By the way, if you trip and accidentally flash us,
just go with it.
Alright, honey, you look beautiful, but let's move it along please.
Jenny, hit it.
"Daughters, mothers, sisters,
we gather, safe from the patriarchy and the oppression of its penises."
I really should have revised this before doing a straight wedding.
Well, why don't we skip to the vows that you guys wrote.
Alright. (CLEARS THROAT)
"I, Gretchen, do swear to honor and cherish you.
You asked me to go down the road of life with you
and I am answering. I will go down."
"That's what she said.
And I, Alan, do swear to honor, cherish and stand behind you,
whether things are easy or things are hard."
"That's what he said."
- Alan, do you take Gretchen... - LYNDSEY (SLURRING): I object!
Lyndsey?
Lyndsey, listen. You can't be here.
- Aren't I a pretty bride, Alan? - Yes.
You look insanely beautiful.
Now let's turn you around and get you in a cab.
No!
This was supposed to be my day!
My wedding, my groom, my...
Wait, those are my flowers.
That's my food!
Those are my linens.
That's my...
I think she was gonna say, "cake."
I always liked her.
So where were we?
- Gretchen? - Derek?
Who's this guy?
He's my ex-husband.
(HEARTY LAUGH) Come on!
What are you doing here?
Some crazy lady called and said you were getting married.
Well, actually, what she said was, "Gretchen pretty, pretty bride."
Followed by two minutes of intense vomiting.
- Pretty sure that was her. - Boo-yah!
Gretchen, I know I made some horrible mistakes.
I drank too much, I wrecked your truck.
I cheated on you with your best friend,
in your truck, while I was drunk, which is why I wrecked it.
Lose your dog and you got a country song.
I wouldn't know. I'm more into hip-hop.
I miss you, baby. I want you back.
Hey, Derek, if you want her back, you're gonna have to go through me.
- Fine by me. - And him.
Seeing you in that white dress, right before I beat up two goobers,
reminds me of our wedding.
This time, the cake's not in the shape of Dale Junior,
which is a huge oversight.
Derek.
You're not considering this, are you?
I don't know, I'm so confused. We have so much history together.
This is really hard.
- That's what she said. - (GASPS)
That's what they said!
I'm sorry, Alan. I at least have to talk to him.
Gretchen, wait!
It's times like this a son needs his mother.
I'm gonna slip out the back.
Serves you right, you bastard.
I mean, I love you. Let's work this out.
Best wedding ever!
Yep, I got the whole thing on...
Crap, I had it on "photo"!
- How you doing? - I've had better days.
Hey. Sorry, buddy.
- Later, I'll run you a Bublé bath. - Thanks.
Gretchen called. She says it's not over.
She's just sorting things out.
Oh, buddy.
"Sorting things out" is people's way of not giving you bad news.
So your mom's not gonna give you the money for your own place?
I'm just sorting things out.
You know what?
- I didn't want you to leave anyway. - Oh. Thanks.
Can you believe it?
We're still together, three years later.
I know.
I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.
Thank God I showed up.
You're telling me.
You know, I've been so busy lately, I really miss hanging out with you.
You know, we should pick a night where we just always get together.
No matter what's going on, once a week, we just do this.
Okay, I like it. I like it.
How about here, every Thursday night.
- Nine o'clock. - It's a date.
Don't call it "a date". Just call it "two men hanging out".
Hey, what about me?
Okay, fine. Two and a half men. Ripped By mstoll
♪ (THEME SONG) ♪
(English US - SDH)