I had a great time too, last night, Trevor. The whole evening was quixotic.
I've never had so much fun. I feel...
"quixotic".
- Wow! I really don't want to know. - Hey, did you hear
Sandy is dating a professor?
And he's just terrific.
I really feel this is the right one for you, Sandy. Just perfect.
Mom, he doesn't think I'm smart enough for him.
- Dump him. - Well, as riveting
as this has been, I have to go to the coffee shop next door,
I've got my first book club meeting.
Ugh! Books!
Good luck with that professor.
Good news, I've hit rock bottom.
Jimmy, where have you been?! I asked you to deliver
that notarized contract two days ago!
Wow! That's how long I was in that closet for?
Jenna, I know I have a tendency to sleep with every client
- that you assign to me... - You slept with Mrs. Kurtz?
All you were doing was delivering a homeowner's agreement.
Let me skip ahead to the part where her husband came home.
When you are in the dark, hiding in a suit bag,
- you have a lot of time to think. - What?
My point is I gotta be clear for this job.
So, I'm gonna be like a monk
and swear off women for the next 30 days.
Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go to my book club.
Maybe I'll join your book club.
That sounds like fun! I wanna come too!
I'm doing nothing!
♪ The odds are that we will probably be alright ♪
♪ Odds are we're gonna be alright ♪
♪ Odds are we're gonna be alright for another night ♪
Sync'd and corrected by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com
(pop song playing softly)
Law books, usual?
I'm here every day, and he never remembers my name.
I brought a law book in here to read one time!
It's so lugubrious, right?
No, wrong. And then he writes those stupid nicknames
on the cup that do not fit, like...
Mine says MILK. Better be soy.
- It says MILF, Mom. - MILF? What does MILF mean?
(inaudible whispering)
(Ceil chuckling) Well, thank you, young man.
And you are a QUILF! Would you like to know what that means?
No. Nobody wants to know what that means.
Look at the way you're looking at him.
You like him!
I do not! I can see how objectively
somebody might possibly find him attractive in a dirty...
kind of sexy, but mostly dirty, way.
There you go, Sandy. Law books, can I...?
I need a lawyer, someone to help me with the dissolution of a partnership agreement.
My ex and I were partners and lovers.
Don't worry, shouldn't stand in the way of us dating.
Oh! Ha! Ha!
Right.
So, is that a no?
Would you be my lawyer?
Well, we can, uh,
consider the situation and, um...
we could...
Oh, "awkward". That's nice.
Ah, there's my ex now. My bohemian kryptonite.
Just give me the damn muffin tops!
- They're mine. - You destroyed the art
of coffee! Your latte art is so derivative!
Get out!
No! You don't tell me when to leave!
Okay, you know what? Now! Now, I feel like leaving.
- Because I want to. - I think I'm in love.
Jimmy, sit.
I don't know what he ever saw in her.
It is truly the most fascinating tome
I have ever read about butterfly migrations.
So, I humbly nominate Suicide of a Monarch.
Thank you, Rhonda, for suggesting that title.
- You're welcome. - For the 18th straight month.
Next, we'll hear from a new member, Jenna Engel.
- Thank you, Angelina. - GO, JENNA!
"It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times."
It is a classic tale
of poverty, despair, and societal woes
in Charles Dickens' Little Dorrit!
- Who I thought was a clunker. - I'd vote for that one.
Vote for that one!
(whispering): She's bombing, do something.
Sorry, I'm late. Jenna, what about that other book
- that I was telling you about? - No, there was no other book.
Hi. I'm Sandy. Big reader.
Mostly classics. Here's a book
you will all love.
It's a story of lust,
sensuosity, carnalism,
and desire, the sexiest of times,
- and then, even sexier times. - (women reacting positively)
- What's the book? - It's called,
um... Banging Gavels. It's not out yet,
but I know the author, and I have some advance chapters.
That sounds great! Who's it by?
Her name is Pippa... Kundiff.
Pippa Kundiff. And this book,
let me tell you, ladies, it's hot!
- I think I've heard of it. - From a steamy encounter in a haunted house
to a very passionate nine seconds on a Jet ski.
It follows a very attractive divorcee's sexual adventures.
Banging Gavels is 100 shades of red-hot!
(excited exclamations)
To hell with the butterflies, I'm in!
But wait. Did I mention that Dorrit supports her family through sewing?
Why don't we vote on it?
Who votes for Little Dorrit?
- And Banging Gavels? - Sexy book! Sexy book!
Great! Please, get us a chapter, Sandy.
Will do.
Banging Gavels, huh?
- Yep. - It's a fiction, huh?
- Yep! - Woman, please, I've read
- those tales before. - What are you talking about?
- Your diary. - (Sandy gasps.)
That's where that red wine stain came from.
Honey, writing a book is hard. You're not Margaret Atwood
or John Grisham or Snooki.
Don't worry, Mother, I'm just telling my own story.
I'll write that book by tomorrow morning,
- or my name is not Pippa Kundiff. - It's not Pippa Kundiff.
Just go with it.
Ooh, boy!
(ding!)
- What are you doing? - Barista Johnny is coming in.
We're prepping for that mediation between him and his crazy ex.
She's not crazy, Emily is sweet.
Jimmy, you said you were taking a 30 day vow of celibacy.
Day 2. I am so clear.
It is like all my other senses
are taking over. I'm seeing things
that I've never seen before,
like women's eyes.
And there are interactions that happen
while I'm looking at those eyes.
There are words, and then laughter,
and then you just go...
home.
- Wow! - Yeah!
Mind blowing. So, you didn't sleep with Emily?
No. I told you, we're just...
Talking?
Did you find anything out about the case
or... Johnny?
Or about the case? Or about Johnny?
- Or about the case? - No, but I'll work on it.
See? I didn't say "working on her"! Proud of you, Jimmy.
Hmm! Mm-hmm!
Oh, my God, he's here!
(whispering): Begone!
There's nothing in writing. We agreed to split
everything amicably. Now, she wants the double muffin top.
It's a recipe we created together,
- but now she wants for herself. - I think the first step
is a mediation. I'm sure we can work this out.
Great! Let's do it quick, so we can get dinner,
- then breakfast. - Do you mean that?
Because as your lawyer, I don't think
it's appropriate that we date...
- yet. - I was kidding. I mean,
I was flirting, but I was kidding.
Excuse me. May I offer you something, hon?
Coffee? Tea?
- A surprisingly flexible MILF? - Mom, please!
Sorry, darling, I'm not here.
- Thank you. - (Ceil whispering): He's cute.
Not your usual type, but cute.
Hey, you know, what else is cute? The fine art of whispering.
- Maybe you could work on that. - I'll leave you alone.
- Thank you. - I see a future with you two.
Married even.
- With a wonderful MILF-in-law. - Hoohoo! Hoo-hoo!
Bye-bye!
So, uh...
I'll call you. Or you can call me.
Someone will be called.
- (nervous laugh) - Great! Thanks, babe.
So, good day, sir.
Really? "Good day, sir"?
Yes, Jenna, own it.
- Sandy, I have a few edits. - Mother,
I don't need your notes on my sex book.
This could be more than a book,
- I see a series. - Start talking.
You need me to edit. And frankly to spell.
You spelled "intercourse" with a "k".
Secondly, you may
- want to change some names. - Of who?
- Our neighbors' husbands. - Yes, definitely.
Next! I'm thinking up a new character:
an older, wiser woman named Camille
who made love to her husband in a McDonald's parking lot
during her daughter, Mandy's, sixth birthday.
Really?
Too soon?
What trash.
"As he took Candy
"to where he yearned to make love
on her big mahogany desk..."
Oh, come on!
"... while the horse painting seemed to watch."
What garbage!
Hmm!
Yeah, like, that would happen.
- Oh my! - Jenna.
What? What? Nothing! Nothing! What? Knock!
- I got a problem. - Hmm?
Since I'm not pursuing sex with Emily,
I'm stuck with this...
this...
these...
Feelings?
Is that what these are?
It is okay to have a crush on somebody that you work with,
you just got to keep a lid on it.
That's what I'd do! I mean, should do. I mean, could do.
I mean, could do. I mean, should do. I mean...
that's what you should do.
You can't win this, Johnny.
Your argument is weaker than your espresso,
and don't even get me started on your signature Bubby blend.
Lay off my Bubby.
Okay. How about Emily can keep selling
the double muffin top muffins at her franchise,
but Johnny retains the rights. That way, they can never
be franchised by Big Pastry.
Would that work?
(whispering): Here's my problem: she can't be trusted.
That sounds fair trade.
Well, here's my concern about that.
The recipe belonged to my Bubby.
Now, if a corporation like Big Pastry
- got their hands on it... - ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo do ♪
♪ You got me thinking that I want to get to know you better ♪
♪ Something sexy, baby ♪
♪ I like the way you move it just like that ♪
♪ I like it with the little twist like that ♪
♪ I like it when you move it just like that ♪
- Jenna? - I'm sorry, what?
Do you need a minute
to talk about it? We can leave you two alone.
Jimmy!
What's the deal with them? Are they together or not?
I don't know. You're the one having the long conversations, you tell me!
Actually, you know what? Sleep with her. That'll end it.
(Jimmy gasps.) Jenna,
I took a vow. I can't. You have to sleep with him.
I would never... But do you think he likes me? I'm getting all these mixed messages.
Okay. We've talked
and we've agreed to consider the terms.
I could not be more in love with you right now.
(Jenna laughs.)
- Emily? Thank you. - Yeah.
(door opening and closing)
What am I supposed to do with that?
Feelings suck.
- ♪ - (inaudible talking)
This book you recommended is awful!
But thanks to Pippa Kundiff,
I had a very inappropriate...
(whispering): fantasy in the sex department.
You!?
Good for me! I mean, Pippa Kundiff.
Oh, my God! Pippa Kundiff,
the Pippa Kundiff, I know that name.
Uh, yeah, she's on the book.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Right!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
- Mom, we have a problem. - I know. The physics of making
- love on a moving tractor, but... - No.
Pippa Kundiff is real.
I must have remembered her name from that book I read.
It was a children's book.
- The Joyful Clam! - Yes! The Joyful Clam.
Honestly, I remembered it to be a completely different
kind of book, but it's not!
It's about sharing, and caring, and all that crap,
- and now we're screwed! - No, honey, her last book
was A Sad Little Cracker,
and that was over 20 years ago. Let's hope she's dead.
- Yeah. - Let's go, ladies! Take your seats.
Well, Sandy,
I think I speak for everyone when I say,
My! Ooh-ooh-ooh! My! Ha! Ha! Ha!
- I'm glad you liked it. - So much of the magic
happens in editing.
No, I didn't say that. No, it's a piece of literature.
It's as if it was written by someone's helper monkey.
Of course, an editor can only do so much.
Now, despite the fact that it is total drivel,
- it does make you think. - And dream.
- I couldn't put it down. - Me neither. I have questions.
- Ask away. - No, I mean of the author.
- Let's invite her to our group. - (woman): Yes!
Oh!
Not to worry, Pippa Kundiff will be at the meeting tomorrow.
(women talking enthusiastically)
- What now? - I have no idea.
Excellent. And what about the real Pippa Kundiff?
Like Candy in chapter 2 at the gay man's bathhouse,
we make the first move.
Wonderful.
Pippa, thank you so much for coming here to do these autographs.
- The sick children will love them. - It's been years
since anyone has asked me for an autograph for my books.
- Haha! - It's so nice
that people still think about my Joyful Clam.
Oh, they're thinking about it.
So, I was wondering if you could send a little message
to my book club. They all loved your book
growing up and I know they'd appreciate a hello.
Here's a script.
(Pippa clears her throat.)
"Thank you so much, ladies. I am so glad
- you enjoyed my book... - " The Banging Gavels."
Continue.
"I'm just glad
that you enjoyed it and that it brought inspiration..."
- Eroticism! - Wha-what are you doing?
You're on a roll, and you look beautiful.
Oh!
"So remember to share,
"and care,
- and love..." - Make love like baboons!
- Okay, thanks. That was terrific. - Oh!
- Is that a new client in there? - Uh... not exactly.
That's, uh... Pippa Kundiff.
Oh, my God! The woman who wrote Banging Gavels?
Hi! I just wanted to say that I read your book,
and it made me feel things that I have never felt before.
- Ho-ho! - Made me want to do things
- that I've only dreamed of. - Ooh... like sharing?
A lot of sharing.
- (Pippa and Jenna laughing) - Excuse us
just one second.
- Jenna... - Hm?
Pippa Kundiff did not write Banging Gavels.
- What do you mean? - I wrote it!
What are you talking about?
Between me and Mrs. Rogers in there, who do you think
knows more about Juliette in a running car wash.
Oooh... Hmm.
No. No, I have been having
sexual fantasies based on your actual life?
No, no, actually,
pages 14 to 16 are based on mine.
Nooo.
Nooo...
Please, aaah... I need to take a shower.
I need to take a shower inside my body.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.
Never before has a book
kept so many of us up late at night.
So, with no further delay, I present
the author of the upcoming released Banging Gavels,
Ms. Pippa Kundiff.
- Thanks, Angelina. - (audience cheering)
Alas, Pippa couldn't be with us today,
so she sent this message instead.
"Dear, friends, I remember fondly how...
Wait! Wait! I'm Pippa
Kundiff and I agree with what so many of you wrote online
that Banging Gavels is my masterpiece.
(clapping and indistinct talking)
- (woman): Wonderful! - (woman): Isn't it?
No, I'm Pippa Kundiff! That was me having sex
with that driving instructor while parallel parking!
- (woman): What? - I'm Pippa Kundiff,
and I made love to a man in a Milli Vanilli cover band.
I'm Pippa Kundiff and I went skinny dipping
with my brother-in-law in 2007.
I'm Pippa Kundiff. This weekend,
I am having a three-way with my husband and Rhonda.
(exclamations)
This is not a movement, people.
I am Pippa Kundiff!
And speaking of sharing and caring,
- so is my mother. - True!
It's true.
WE wrote this filthy book together.
Mother and daughter writing erotica.
Oh, my God, that's disgusting!
That is disgusting! We should burn the book!
- Burn this book! - People, we are a book club.
We don't burn books, we're civilized!
Your mother and sister wrote a piece of erotica
that you enjoyed.
Okay, who's got a match?! Let's burn these things!
- Burn 'em! - (clamor)
Sorry you got kicked out of the book club, Jenna.
Ah, it's alright. They were all a little uptight.
And I'm sorry your erotica career didn't take off.
I hate to say this, but...
Banging Gavels was good.
Thank you. And I'm proud of you for being open to something new.
And I love that we can talk this way about, you know, sex...
- Yeah, yeah, I got it. - Jenna,
listen to a woman who knows her way around a man.
Hmm?
Take the gift of passion that reading about
my and Mom's sex lives has given you and go give Johnny
the incendiary experience
of his life.
Let's go back to the not talking that way.
That didn't feel right. I'm gonna go dispose of these.
- Jimmy, have you been crying? - No!
It's just, Jenna, I know I want to be with her,
but I don't know where she stands. I'm so confused. You?
Not so much with the crying, but completely confused.
I told you not to trust Emily! She just sold
the rights to the double muffin tops to Big Pastry!
What!? She can't do that! How do you know!?
Well... we were, we were...
lying together and she...
Wait. Lying together?
Like friends? Like a sleepover?
Ah. I am so done with Emily!
That's all we needed to hear!
Thank you for clearing that up.
So, you and Emily, that's... great news.
How is that great news? She just sold my muffin tops!
It's great horrible news.
- I am so... - Single?
- Frustrated, furious. - Me too.
I've already tweeted about how evil Big Pastry is.
Yeah. Wait, tweeting. I wouldn't suggest
slandering them. Probably, it's a good idea just to...
♪ I like you in your pajamas ♪
♪ Without your manners ♪
♪ Just like you do ♪
- ♪ I like you ♪ - I guess that's alright.
- ♪ I was receiving ♪ - Okay.
- See ya. - Okay.
And here we are again.
I feel like the sad little cracker.
Sync'd and corrected by awaqeded www.addic7ed.com