MALE NARRATOR: Previously on Last Comic Standing...
The girl I was dating once asked me
if I would take a bullet for her.
I'm like "Yes, I really want out of this relationship."
NARRATOR: 14 comics from our first two invitational shows
claimed a spot in the semifinals
by earning the accolades of our three powerhouse judges.
Iconic stand-up and sitcom star, Roseanne Barr...
I have thought all that same stuff.
Why don't they just do their damn job?
NARRATOR: All around comedy legend, Keenan Ivory Wayans...
You just got funnier and funnier
and darker and darker.
You could win the 250.
NARRATOR: And international stand-up sensation
Russell Peters.
You know your last name means "war" in Spanish,
and that's what you did.
You went to war tonight, and you won that war.
NARRATOR: Tonight, the third round
of the invitationals kicks off.
We were very poor.
My mom used to get all my clothes at the thrift shop.
I came to class looking like a 12-year-old golfer
with a drinking problem.
NARRATOR: And you don't want to miss it,
because host J.B. Smoove
will reveal which comics will advance to the semifinals
and move one step closer to $250,000,
an NBC development deal for their own show,
and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
your host J.B. Smoove.
Oh, yeah.
Welcome to Last Comic Standing!
[cheers and applause]
Once again, we are about to bring you
an amazing night of television.
Tonight the invitationals continue
with another select group
of America's finest, brightest comedians.
Now, let's say hello to our judges right over there.
Roseanne!
Russell Peters!
And Keenan Ivory Wayans!
So are you ready for your first comic of the night?
[cheers and applause]
Give it up for Tony Baker.
Tony!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, guys.
Man, I got a 12- and a 14-year-old.
My oldest son just turned 14 in January.
Let me tell you something, man.
You know what he wanted for his birthday?
A gym membership.
Scared the hell out of me,
'cause I'm like, yo, this is it.
He's trying to take me out.
He's gonna wrestle me down for supremacy of man of the house.
I had to get two memberships.
So whatever he lifts, I gotta add ten pounds to that.
It hurts. I'm scared.
I'm stressed out, man.
He's doing push-ups at the house,
looking at me the whole time.
"18, 19, 27, 89."
He's making up numbers just to scare me.
Like, "Why are you looking at me?"
He's like, "No, I'm just looking in your direction, dad."
Like, "Why? Well, get out of this bathroom.
I'm in here.
Get out.
I'm lathered up."
Man, do you know how helpless you feel when you're lathered?
You ever been in the shower when you're home alone,
and you had that crazy thought
like, "What if somebody broke in the house,
and just busted in here?"
Bam. "You ready for this?"
"No, I'm lathered up!
Get out.
Get out."
I can't run into battle with a man lathered up.
What if I slip into him,
and, like, my package hits his hips,
and it's just jingling,
and I got to apologize, and then fight.
Like, "I'm sorry, it's not even like that.
I'm lathered."
But I love my kids, man.
We'll have game nights and stuff like that.
I role-play when we play Monopoly too.
Like, I'm a slum lord when we play Monopoly.
I don't smoke in real life,
but when we play Monopoly, I smoke Newports.
Got to get into the character.
All that little low-budget property
between go and the jailhouse, that's all me.
"I want my rent.
I want my $25 for Mediterranean Avenue.
No games out here."
"But we're your sons, dad.
Why you talking to us like that?"
"I ain't got no sons.
My only son died on Baltic Avenue in 1986."
I'm Tony Baker, y'all. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
That's Tony Baker right there!
Tony, I thought you were very funny, brother.
I too like you have a bunch of teenagers in the house,
so I can relate,
and the bit about them doing push-ups and looking at you
is very funny.
Just add more detail to that bit,
'cause that's a really, really funny bit,
but overall, I thought it was just fun to watch.
- Thank you. - All right.
I loved you. I loved your persona.
I loved the dad stuff.
We don't really hear a lot of that,
a man saying the threat of the younger man of the house.
That's really great.
Great premise, great payoff.
Congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You're very charismatic on stage.
That's something you can't fake, and you can't buy.
You had original material,
and it had great twists to it,
which is something I really like.
Good stuff in there.
Thank you, man. Thank you.
Tony Baker, y'all! Tony Baker!
[cheers and applause]
All right, here's a short piece about our next comic
that I'm sure you're going to enjoy.
Take a look.
I'm Alingon Mitra, and I lead a double life.
By night, I'm a stand-up comedian,
and by day, I'm a tax consultant.
- Morning, mom. - Good morning.
I went to Harvard,
and I work at my parents' tax consulting office.
- I got a review for you to check. - Okay.
My family is very traditional.
They're all doctors.
They're teachers.
When they see that they're going to save some money...
I don't think there's too much
that I draw on here for material.
The fair market value is to be added back in there.
That's maximum separate deduction.
It's an investment.
3.8% cost, basically.
Extra tax.
There isn't that much that's hilarious about the I.R.S.
- All right! - Good teamwork.
I like it.
My parents haven't seen my act yet,
because I haven't let them.
Please welcome to the stage,
the one and only Mr. Alingon Mitra!
[cheers and applause]
Whoo!
When he went to Harvard,
of course comedy was not in anybody's mind.
But we support him 100%.
Yes, we do.
And we pray that he becomes one of the best.
Alingon Mitra!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much.
Sometimes people can't tell what ethnicity I am.
One guy said to me, "Why don't you go back to making tacos?"
I was like, "I'm Indian."
The guy was like "I don't care.
Your break was over half an hour ago."
People find out, they grill me.
They'll be like "Hey, what's the biggest export of India?"
I don't know. I went to school in America.
They're like, "Oh, all right.
Well, what's the biggest export of America?"
I don't know.
I just told you, I went to school in America.
Growing up, my parents, they tell me,
"Make sure you marry an Indian girl,"
but I'm attracted to all women.
Black, white, tall, short,
skinny, really skinny.
It doesn't matter.
So when I started dating a white girl,
my friends suggested the way I break it to my parents
is that I tell them I'm gay.
Then when I tell them I'm straight,
they'd be so relieved
that I don't, to borrow an Indian phrase,
"Eat the banana from both ends"...
[applause]
that they wouldn't care that she's white.
So I went to my parents.
I said, "Mama, Baba, I'm gay."
My dad, he looked at my mom.
He looked at me.
He said, "We already knew that."
He said, "Just make sure you marry an Indian boy."
All right, guys, that is it for me.
Thank you very much.
Alingon Mitra!
As an Indian myself,
I got nervous at first when I saw your name.
I was like, "Uh-oh, please don't do this to us,"
and I don't want to ignore the holy elephant in the room,
so...
But you came out swinging right away.
I was really, really blown away, because you had great twists.
I love jokes that take that left turn
when you think they're going the other way.
So congratulations. You did great.
Thank you.
You were definitely original.
You came out,
and I had the expectation
that you were going to do a bunch of cultural jokes--
- And what's wrong with that? - You put that aside.
[laughs]
Pointing no fingers.
No, no, and I like the fact that you didn't.
You made the audience accept you just for being a comedian.
This contrast between, like, your laid-back,
sort of very mild demeanor
with these really edgy jokes
made the jokes even funnier,
because coming from you, it's completely unexpected.
I thought you did a great job. Funny guy.
Thank you. Thanks so much.
I liked your whole set.
I liked your persona.
I liked your delivery.
Yeah, I really enjoyed it.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
NARRATOR: Coming up...
So I went home and asked my husband.
I'm like, "Do you want to do a fantasy?"
And he's like, "Yeah, what fantasy do you want to do?"
And I'm like, "Let's do the schoolgirl fantasy,"
and he's like, "All right, I'll get my skirt."
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back to Last Comic Standing!
Please give it up for my man,
D.C. Benny, y'all!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, everybody.
My name's D.C. Benny.
I grew up in Washington, D.C.
Went to D.C. public schools,
the only school system with white history month.
I was the only white kid in my class.
For the school play, I was the snowstorm.
I just ran across stage naked.
Grew up very poor.
My mom used to get all my clothes at the thrift shop.
I came to class looking like a 12-year-old golf pro
with a drinking problem.
We moved to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn's a beautiful place.
You see stuff there
that you don't see anywhere else in the world.
I was walking through the park the other day.
I see this old man doing Tai Chi.
I'm like, "That's cool."
Then I look closer, and it's not an old man doing Tai Chi.
It's one of those heroin guys that never falls over.
I go out on auditions for TV shows and stuff like that.
I always get sent out as Flaco the drug dealer.
Like, that's my niche.
A little while ago, I got a sound
for this show Swift Justice,
which you can tell by the name
is gonna be a really crappy show,
and I have one line I have to memorize,
and the line is "I'm gonna cut you good."
You know, that's the line.
You know, so I'm practicing in the house.
I'm doing it to the cat.
You know, "I'm gonna cut you good."
You know, do it to my wife.
"I'm gonna cut you good."
You know, she's like "Take out the trash."
I'm like "Uh."
So I go to the audition the next day.
There's 30 guys sitting there that look just like me,
saying, "We're gonna cut you good.
We're gonna cut you good."
And I'm nervous.
The casting director comes out, calls my name.
D.C. Benny-- of course he messes it up.
He's like "J.C. Penny?"
You know, I walk in.
I'm so nervous, I forget the line, so I improvise some stuff.
I'm like, "I'll kill all you suckers,"
then I just leave, right?
So I get the part. We film the thing.
The night it comes on, I got everybody watching.
My whole family, everybody's watching.
The part comes, I'm nowhere to be found.
I'm like, "What the hell happened?"
My wife's like, "They cut you good!
They cut you good!"
Oh!
D.C. Benny, baby!
[cheers and applause]
Give it to the man, please.
You act out things very, very well.
Very funny, and you're extremely likable on stage.
There's one thing. I kept thinking you were chewing gum,
but I think that's just your persona.
When you're talking, it looked like, "Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah."
You've been doing it for a long time.
You know what you're doing,
and you're doing a great job at it.
Thank you, brother.
I enjoyed you.
I thought you were really funny.
The only thing I would say is that in the beginning,
you were kind of throwing stuff away,
and then, when you got to the stuff
where you actually started to perform,
it felt really good and really funny and true to you.
Cool, thank you, man. Thank you.
Well, I enjoyed it very much.
I can tell you've been a working comic for 20 years.
It shows.
Real original stuff,
like the Tai Chi guy that never falls over.
You did great.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
D.C. Benny, everybody!
D.C. Benny!
[cheers and applause]
A lot of comedians joke
that D.C. stands for "dis close,"
'cause I'm always "dis close"
to booking that big thing that's gonna change,
you know, my comedy career.
Right now, it's time to meet our next comic.
Take a look.
[rooster crows]
It's time to wake up.
Let's go.
My name's Kelly Pryce.
I'm a mother of four,
and I've been doing stand-up for 11 years.
Being a mother of four and a full-time comic is crazy.
It is delusional.
I have yogurt and breast milk.
My oldest son is 11. His name is Aiden.
Amira is my six-year-old girl.
Peter is our two-year-old.
Keep scootching.
And then we have the new baby, Penelope.
[laughs] It was not planned.
Dan is my husband.
He is awesome.
He is a good balance for me.
He has a savings account and a credit card.
When Kelly tells jokes about our family,
I usually break out in a sweat,
but then, I realize that they're pretty accurate.
Is this blood on the blanket or food coloring?
It's blood.
By far, the craziest part of my day
is from 5:00 to 8:00,
because it's dinner,
which in itself is an Olympic-style feat.
Why do I smell something burning?
Oh, Peter put a toy in the oven.
Yeah, there's plastic burning in there.
And I still have to get a set together,
and get my ass out the door.
I go bye-bye now.
I think Kelly's the funniest person I know,
and I want America to see what I see every day in her.
- I should be back by, like, 11:00 or 12:00.
Okay, I need the baby though.
Kelly Pryce!
[cheers and applause]
I'm from Sacramento.
I live here in L.A. now.
It's tough to look like me and live in this city.
My forehead can move.
My boobies are real.
I haven't had my vagina rejuvenated.
I'm like a mythological creature in this city,
like a unicorn--
A unicorn no one wants to have sex with.
I'm married.
We have a lot of kids,
so our romance has really gone down the crapper,
so we started researching things we could do,
and we found out fantasy role-play
is something that can really get things back on track,
so I went home and asked my husband.
I'm like, "Do you want to do a fantasy?"
And he's like, "Yeah, what fantasy do you want to do?"
And I'm like "Let's do the schoolgirl fantasy,"
and he's like, "All right, I'll get my skirt."
Anyway, so hand to God,
we really did try to do this fantasy,
and we tried to get all dressed up,
but I couldn't find a schoolgirl skirt,
so I just used a picnic tablecloth.
I don't know where my husband went to school
or what he thinks a teacher looks like,
but this is what he came in my bedroom wearing.
He had on a wife beater with a sweater vest over it
and a clip-on bow tie.
He walked up to my bed all stoically,
and was like "Ms. Pryce,
it says here your grades have fallen
from a C to an F average.
We here at Bristol Community College don't appreciate that."
I'm like, "It's a fantasy.
Can't I be at Harvard or Brown or Yale?"
"We here at the Western Trucking Institute
feel like you got the U-turn down all wrong."
You guys, I'm Kelly Pryce. Thank you so much.
Oh, Kelly Pryce.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, I think you're real funny.
I like your jokes too.
Your writing's really good.
You've got presence,
but I think it was a little awkward in construction.
Truth be told, I think I over-rehearsed it.
You know, the hardest thing about stand-up
is to remain consistent night after night after night.
That's some hard stuff.
Change some things around, and shorten some other things,
and I see you knocking it way out of the park.
Thank you.
Once you establish your truth on stage,
everything will go from there.
So what I mean is, you came out,
and you led us to believe that you were a single woman in L.A.
And that you were being rejected,
and then you told us you were married.
You're a funny lady.
You just didn't tell the truth. I'm serious.
I can't believe that Keenan Ivory Wayans
just called me a liar on national television.
No, but once you got into, like, what really is your life,
it was very funny.
Okay.
I agree with them as well.
You've got a lot of stuff to work with.
Just stay on the track you're going.
Kelly Pryce!
NARRATOR: - Coming up... - Do you smoke pot?
I've never smoked pot in my life.
Oh, well, you need to start smoking something.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Ready for some more hilarity?
[cheers and applause]
Let's get crazy for Randy Liedtke.
[cheers and applause]
Wow.
Thank you.
Hate to start off with bad news, but...
I did just get some.
Found out that my penis lost its job.
So if you know of any openings it can fill...
[cheers and applause]
Stand up. Stand up!
I went to eat breakfast recently--
I'd never been to this restaurant,
but right when I sat down,
the lady brought me the Lumberjack Breakfast.
I told her-- I was like, I haven't even ordered yet,
and she's like, "All right, what would you like?"
And I said, extra gravy.
I'm not really a lumberjack.
I do sleep with flannel PJs on, though.
So I guess that makes me a slumberjack.
Come on, stand up!
Go the other way, up!
This is more of an advertisement.
I'm sorry, I have to do this.
My roommate Curt and his friend Rod just opened a business.
It's online, check it out. Curt and Rod's Curtain Rods.
Actually, speaking of business, I just launched
a line of potato chips with holes in the middle.
And we just got a celebrity endorsement,
so be on the look out for Mark Ruffalo's Buffalo Ruffalos.
Stay seated.
I do actually have some bad news.
I usually do a ventriloquist act,
but my dummy went out of town. He didn't tell me.
I mean, I should have seen this coming.
He's a rescue. I rescued him.
What I'm trying to say is I don't have a lot else planned.
He's calling me.
I'm sorry, I have to take this.
Hey, Snickers.
Yeah, I'm on stage right now. Well, screw you.
You should apologize to everybody, not just me.
Okay, I'm-- I'm gonna put him on speaker phone.
Yes. Okay.
Go ahead, Snickers.
[high-pitched voice] Okay, I'm sorry.
No, no.
I bought two phones for that.
[cheers and applause]
Hey, thanks a lot, that's it for me.
Give it up for Randy Liedtke!
Thank you.
What do you think of Randy?
You look funny.
[laughter]
No, I mean, you do have a funny look, right?
I mean, you do.
You do look like a lumberjack and all that.
And that's cool.
I think it really funny. You're odd.
Do you smoke pot?
Actually, if I can be-- I've never smoked pot in my life.
Oh, well, you need to start smoking some.
You got it.
[cheers and applause]
- Randy? - Yeah?
You're not a traditional sort of stand-up comedian.
Okay.
And silly is okay if it's funny, you know?
And-- and you definitely accomplish both,
and I thought you were a lot of fun.
Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.
[applause]
I like that you do puns,
but you're aware that you're doing a pun.
- Yeah. - And the fact that you do a pun
and then you try to oversell it made me laugh.
- Oh, thank you. - I like the way
you're doing things, and I think if you stay
on that path, you're doing fine.
Thank you very much. Wow.
Randy Liedtke, everybody! Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
Randy!
I feel like we should get our hands together, I do.
I really do. Bring it in.
I'm serious. Get in. Come on.
Get the Indian dude in here. Come on.
Let's go on three. One, two, three.
ALL: Go!
You want to go up and kill 'em.
I want the audience to like me,
and you want those three judges to like you,
so it's kind of a competing agenda,
maybe a little bit, right?
You just want to go up and just do your stuff,
and just be yourself.
I've got six children.
Some people think six is too many kids.
I don't care.
I'm gonna keep having kids
until I get one that I like.
Kids are like pancakes.
You're gonna burn the first couple.
People often say the villain of the Lion King is Scar.
I don't think it is. You know who it is?
The jerk parents who named their child Scar
after he was born with a scar on his face.
What kind of name is Scar?
That would be like, "Allow me to introduce you to my two sons,
Timothy and Cleft Palate."
Guy's number one fear with online dating
is you're gonna show up to the date,
and the girl's not gonna look
exactly like her photo, right?
That's generally the fear that guys have, right?
She'll be a bit bigger, right?
Women's number one fear is that they're going to be murdered.
See how radically disproportionate that is?
Guys are just like, "I hope she's not an uggo."
Women are like, "I hope my head's still with me
at the end of this date."
[cheers and applause]
Apparently the Mexican-American war is over.
What?
No one told Arizona.
Really though, you're shocked Arizona's racist, really?
Most grandparents are racist.
Arizona has the most grandparents.
Seriously, like, 80% of the tourism is funerals.
Yeah, 50,000 people moved there last year,
but the population's the same.
I can't even watch The Walking Dead.
It makes me homesick.
Smart, smart, smart, smart, smart.
Wow, you're a great joke writer.
- Thank you. - Your jokes were fantastic.
Your attitude was good. It was great.
Thank you. Thank you.
Emily Galati, everybody! Emily!
It's gonna be tough to figure out who to let go.
NARRATOR: Coming up...
You're striking. You're tall and bald.
Are you complimenting yourself or...?
[cheers and applause]
Oh, welcome back to Last Comic Standing.
Put our blinkers on Chloe Hilliard.
I'm Chloe Hilliard,
and welcome to South Williamsburg where I grew up.
90% of my neighbors growing up were Hasidic Jews,
so I'm very aware of that religion and their traditions.
Until Chloe was about 11 years old,
she thought she was Jewish.
When I smell fresh challah, I feel like I'm at home.
Growing up, I didn't see color.
I didn't realize we were different until I got older.
My family wasn't the only African-American family,
but we were definitely one of a handful,
and I mean, like, one hand full.
I definitely felt like I was a part of the community,
even though I wasn't Jewish,
because you took pride in where you live.
One of our oldest neighbors is Rabbi Niederman,
who's like a big dog in the neighborhood.
So you're very successful.
Do you have any advice for me in this competition?
If I would have advice,
I would be in the competition myself.
[laughter]
I believe she will do very well.
You could tell jokes on this neighborhood all day long.
A lot of people like to talk about the differences
between "white people this"
and "black people this" and "Spanish people that."
I don't like to do that,
because it cheapens the fact that we're all human beings.
You guys are pretty funny.
We have to deal with the public.
I want people who might not have ever spoken
to each other in real life
to walk out of a show and be like,
"That was a really good show."
Mazel tov.
ALL: Mazel tov.
Ooh.
Show some love for Chloe Hilliard!
I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood,
which meant I actually thought I was Jewish
until I turned 13
and did not have a bat mitzvah.
I was so excited.
I went to my mom like, "Mom, I'm about to become a woman."
She was like, "Chloe, we're black."
"Mom, how dare you?
This is the worst Hanukah ever."
I'm on the road a lot, so I love staying in a nice hotel,
but something about when you check into a hotel,
you instantly become a king or a queen.
Like, your expectation is so much grander
than your real life.
Like, if I walk into my hotel room,
and there's no ice bucket,
there is hell to pay.
I'm going out to the front desk.
"Excuse me, ma'am,
I paid $79.99 for the night.
Where is my ice bucket?
How do you expect me to keep my nips hard on vacation?"
[cheers and applause]
And you know there's certain things you look forward to
when you're staying in a hotel.
Like, if you're at home,
you don't want to hear your neighbors having sex,
but if you're in a hotel...
"What's that?
Mom, dad, turn the TV down."
Now, you got to tell everybody what you're hearing.
"What's he saying?"
He said, "Where's the ice bucket?"
[cheers and applause]
Thanks, guys. My name is Chloe.
Chloe Hilliard, y'all!
What's up, Chloe?
You're poised,
and commanded the room.
Your material was funny.
The only thing I would say is that the Jewish neighborhoods
and people and things like that,
I thought that was really fun and funny.
I would love to see you explore more about that.
But I thought you killed it and did a great job.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
You know, it says you've only been doing stand-up
for three years,
but you got the poise and confidence
of somebody who's been doing it a lot longer.
Your set was good.
I liked the way you started one way,
and you tied it right back at the end.
I would give you $79.99.
Let me tell you, you did great.
[cheers and applause]
It was just hilarious.
You had, like, a lot of confidence.
Just fantastic. I loved it.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
This is Chloe Hilliard, y'all.
One more time for her.
[cheers and applause]
Three years.
[indistinct chatter]
The curse is because I have such great eyes,
I don't hit the gym.
You don't have abs; you have eyes.
I have eyes. I don't need abs.
One time I did my son homework for him.
He came home, all the homework wrong.
I said, "Man, why you crying?"
"Teacher gave me two zeroes."
I said, "How you get two?"
"She said one for me, and one for you."
My daughter don't give me no problems in school.
I go to my daughter's school, teacher's like "She's an angel."
Go to my son's school,
teachers that's not even his teacher come out.
"Is that your child?"
The janitor be like "Is that your child?"
I enjoyed your set very much.
I thought you had great stage presence.
My only criticism is, the last bit, funny,
but not as funny as some of the other bits before.
Overall, I thought you put a good set together,
- and you were very funny. - Thanks.
He's just a normal vegetarian,
but he thinks it's disgusting that I eat chicken all the time.
He says "Keith, you wouldn't like that chicken very much
if you really thought about how it was made."
Okay, all right, maybe,
but if that's how I form my opinions,
I'm not gonna like my siblings very much either.
There were two black kids at my school, me and Keisha.
I was also known as "Oops, I thought you was Keisha."
When I was in third grade, my single dad forgot Picture Day.
I hope you don't mind if I photo-bomb your class picture
with these yellow sweatpants
and this dirty Bart Simpson t-shirt
my mom won't let me wear.
Also, I have not showered in three days,
and I'm pretty sure this Kool-Aid mustache
is now permanent.
Oh, you want to put me in the back?
You can't.
I'm too short, actually,
so it looks like my parent's divorce
is everybody's problem now, huh?
[applause]
I'm originally from New York. I come from a large family.
- There's 13 of us. - Wow.
I got 12-- Yeah, 12 siblings.
7 brothers, 5 sisters,
all from the same mother and father.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, yeah.
Give it up for my mom's vagina.
I brag about it, though, like that's my bragging right.
Whenever I feel like I'm losing,
that makes me feel like I'm winning, you know?
Like, kids would come up to me in school, and they'd be like,
"Zainab, Zainab, did you get an A on the test?"
I'd be like "No, but I know my father."
My ex-boyfriend, he calls me crazy.
He calls me crazy.
I was a little crazy, but not the way he thinks I'm crazy.
You know, what he thought was crazy,
that's what I'm supposed to do.
Like, I ain't crazy 'cause I called the cops on him.
I'm crazy 'cause I bailed him out the next day.
I ain't crazy 'cause I keyed the car.
I'm crazy 'cause it was my car.
I feel like he was asking me to be crazy,
and he didn't know he was asking me to be crazy.
Like, if I walk in the house,
and you're having sex with somebody else,
you're basically saying,
"Zainab, burn the house down."
[cheers and applause]
When you come out on stage, you're striking.
You're tall and bald and...
Are you complimenting yourself or...
[cheers and applause]
Normally, you shouldn't be able to make people laugh,
because they'd be too focused
on all the other things about you,
but you were very relatable, a class act.
- I enjoyed you. - Thank you.
I think Keenan really related to you,
because you come from a family of 13,
and he comes from a family of 1,300, so...
NARRATOR: Coming up...
I hate going to the doctor.
You know, they make you fill out those stupid forms.
They always put "Closest Living Relative."
I'm like, "From here or my house?"
Having watched you just now,
I literally feel like I could listen to you
for the next hour or two.
NARRATOR: And later, find out which comics
are advancing to the semifinals
and which ones aren't.
Oh, welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Okay, it's time to now get an up close and personal look
at our next comic.
Watch this.
My name's Rocky Laporte.
I'm from Chicago, Illinois.
[doorbell rings]
When you're a comedian,
you got to go where the gigs are at, you know?
Being on the road is hard.
It's really hard.
Cousin Alfie.
I have a pretty big family.
I have three daughters and four kids
and ten grandkids, you know,
'cause I'm the man.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah... - Yeah, yeah... - Yeah, yeah... - Yeah...
It's a handful. It's a lot.
Wash your hands. Are you gonna behave?
- Do you guys all eat pepperoni? - No!
I think you try to make up, you know,
for the times that you were gone when you come home.
Pizza's here, guys.
That's why Sundays are important to all of us.
On Sundays, everybody sleeps over,
the kids, the grandkids.
Sometimes the neighbors come by.
It's crazy.
Knock, knock, grandpa.
- Who's there? - Tish.
Tish? Tish who?
Bless you.
[laughter]
I been out for 26 years on the road.
It's a quarter century. Holy crap.
That's a long time.
Where you going next, dad?
I'm going back to California.
All these years growing up,
it was hard not seeing him
sometimes two to three weeks at a time.
We've had to sacrifice a lot, and he's sacrificed a lot.
The meat, holy cow.
It'd be unbelievable for me to win Last Comic Standing.
Get me off the road, and I could be home with my family.
I miss the babies like I missed you guys.
Like, I miss the grandkids, like,
as much as I missed you guys now when I go out, you know.
My dad's gonna stand out on Last Comic
because he has a good heart,
and that comes through even in his performance.
What do you want to be when you grow up, Ju-Ju?
- A lamp. - A lamp?
You got to aim a littler higher.
Or a chicken-- You want to be a chicken?
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, Rocky Laporte.
Listen to my week.
I had to go to court on Tuesday.
My lawyer don't show up.
I end up in front of this judge.
I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
He goes-- He goes "Do you have counsel?"
I'm like, "I got a stick shift."
He goes, "What the hell are you talking about?"
I go, "I don't know.
Can I buy a vowel?"
He goes, "You should buy a thesaurus."
I go, "They're extinct."
I had to go to the doctor the other day.
He's like, "How's your hearing?"
I said, "I go to court Tuesday."
I hate going to the doctor, you know?
They make you fill out those stupid forms.
They're like, "Who should we notify in case of an emergency?"
I'm like, "How about the doctor? How about that?
Yeah, there's a good place to start."
They're like "No, we mean like a parent."
I'm like, "Well, they're probably just gonna
call the doctor.
How about that?"
What the hell is your parents gonna do?
They're like "Mrs. Laporte,
your son's been in a terrible accident,"
and she's like, "Oh, well, give him ice cream.
He really likes the ice cream."
You ever fill out one of those things?
Then they always put "Closest Living Relative."
I'm like, "From here or my house?"
You know what happens to me all the time?
You ever ask someone if they know someone,
and then they tell you another name?
How the hell is that possible?
I go, "You know Mike Anderson?"
He goes, "I know a Flip Gunderson."
Sometimes they don't even have the right sex.
I go, "You know Mike Smith?"
He goes, "Oh, I know Denise Smith."
I go, "Yeah, that's the guy."
Folks, I got to get out of here. Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]
Rocky Laporte, let him have it.
Let him have it.
You know, Rocky and I have never met,
but we've been at festivals together,
and in the game your name is always thrown around
as one of the guys to always watch,
and having watched you just now,
I literally feel like I could listen to you
for the next hour or two,
because you have that kind of...
[cheers and applause] Oh, thank you.
You have a very funny and soothing voice
at the same time, you know?
- Great stuff, buddy. - Thank you very much.
You have rhythm. Had great sarcasm to it.
It was very funny,
and if I were to give you a note,
it would just be to pick up the pace.
Especially once you got the audience rolling,
keep 'em rolling, you know?
Even if they're laughing over you,
to keep that momentum going.
Okay, thank you.
I agree with Keenan about picking up the pace,
because I think you could sustain a wave of laughs
after laughs after laughs,
but, man, what a great turn of a phrase.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Give it up for Rocky!
[cheers and applause]
- He's a closer. - Oh, yeah.
I really want to go through to the semifinals.
That would make me very happy, and my kids.
My kids are all pulling for me, you know?
Now, it's up to the judges.
Over the break, they will deliberate,
and when we come back,
we'll find out which comedians
will be moving on to the semifinals.
Stay tuned for results.
[cheers and applause]
This guy, we loved him, right?
- Yup. - Yeah, he was great.
So nonstop funny, hmm?
This guy was great.
He was great,
- but I don't think-- - Yeah, he's not sustainable.
He hasn't found his voice yet.
- Yeah. - Yeah, I think you're right.
[cheers and applause]
Welcome back.
We've seen some hilarious performances tonight,
and now it's time to find out
which comics our judges have selected
to move on to the semifinals.
[cheers and applause]
The first comic moving on to the semifinals is...
Chloe Hilliard.
When I heard J.B. Smoove say my name,
I was so happy,
'cause now, my parents can stop asking me
if I'm gonna be a cop as a back-up job.
I want to make people laugh, dad.
That's way better.
Alingon Mitra!
They called my name.
I can't really fathom it.
It's just so overwhelming.
When I tell my parents,
I'm pretty sure they're not going to sleep
until this whole thing is over.
Gerald Kelly!
I come from a land of rejection.
I mean, I grew up hard.
Been hearing "no" a lot in my career.
But when I got called, I was like...
Zainab Johnson!
I think I'm in shock right now.
Get your tall self up here!
I didn't imagine that I would be here today doing this
and succeeding at it.
It makes me feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
D.C. Benny, baby!
Boom, on we go.
Will I be the Last Comic Standing?
I have no idea.
I'm certainly gonna put up a fight.
Emily Galanti.
I'm shocked.
I'm terrified that I have to come up with another set now.
Got to go work on that ASAP.
The last comic moving on to the semifinals is...
Rocky Laporte, baby!
I thought I had a shot.
I was hoping I did, anyway.
Rocky! Rocky!
I felt like I won the audience over.
I think I had a good interaction with the judges.
I'm happy.
I can't even describe how I feel.
It's unbelievable.
There you have it.
Good night! We'll see you next week!
Last Comic Standing. We're here, baby!
NARRATOR: Seven comedians from tonight's show
have moved on.
They'll join the previous 14 semifinalists
in the next round.
Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com