1
00:00:03,060 --> 00:00:06,100
♪ Always foolin' around
when we were young ♪

2
00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:08,660
♪ Time flies so fast
when you're having fun ♪

3
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:13,840
♪ Don't wanna get old Never want
to grow uh-uh-uh-up ♪

4
00:00:15,700 --> 00:00:19,020
Ah... It's finished!

5
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:25,760
Finally, I've completed the play
that's going to make me millions.

6
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:29,400
Picture the scene - there's an
asteroid and it's heading for Earth.

7
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:34,360
It's down to an oddball gang of
oil rig workers to fly into space

8
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:35,840
and drill it to bits!

9
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,280
That's not your idea.
That's Armageddon.

10
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,560
Is it?

11
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,880
You even called it Armageddon! Oh!

12
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,280
This often happens by accident.

13
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,280
Your subconscious must have remembered
the film as you were writing it.

14
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:50,760
Plus, I was watching Armageddon
at the time.

15
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,320
Don't worry, I'll write up
my other original idea.

16
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:57,320
Maximus Decimus Aurelius
is father to a murdered son,

17
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,560
husband to a murdered wife,
and he...

18
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,160
That's Gladiator.

19
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:05,480
No, no, no, let me finish, um,
and... he works in Pizza Hut.

20
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,640
Look, all you have to do is
write about your own life.

21
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,560
Draw from your personal experience.

22
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,160
There's a writer's rule that says,
"write what you know".

23
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,760
Right! Yeah, what you know.

24
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,200
"Write what you know."
I tried that once.

25
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,560
And we were all
very proud of you, Ben.

26
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,720
OK. Off to work. Matthew! Matthew!

27
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,000
What is it? Could you pass
the remote control please?

28
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,080
No, I'm not your slave.
Get it yourself.

29
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,960
And tidy up this mess
while you're at it.

30
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,720
I can't. I've signed on.
I'm on the dole now.

31
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,240
If I want to keep claiming benefits,
I can't do any work.

32
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:44,160
I don't think that includes
housework. I can't take that risk.

33
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,000
Not as long as I keep getting these
sweet, sweet hand-outs.

34
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,600
Why are you in such a rush
to get to work, anyway?

35
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,880
Aren't you getting bullied
by that girl you love?

36
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,480
I am not being bullied.

37
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:56,920
Unbelievable.

38
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,600
It's true, Matthew.

39
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,920
I AM the Secret Millionaire
and I'm giving you £100,000

40
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:04,400
so you can quit your job.

41
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,160
Hey, Mr Carabine,
you can stick your job up your dick!

42
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,960
You're not really
the Secret Millionaire, are you?

43
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,160
Oh, no.

44
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:17,880
But I have got a brilliant plan
of my own.

45
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,120
When I get into work early today,

46
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,440
Lucy's going to see
that the tables have turned.

47
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,240
Are you going to turn her
table around? Incredible, right?

48
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,520
She won't suspect a thing.

49
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,280
Hang on. This isn't a payment.

50
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,640
Apparently, you can only get
Jobseeker's Allowance

51
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,120
if you're seeking a job!

52
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:40,280
Weird. OK, Tom.
Time to write what you know.

53
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,520
They've stopped my benefits until
I start going to job interviews.

54
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,400
This is good, Ben,
you need proper employment.

55
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,000
No more lazing around the house,

56
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,120
expecting other people to do
stuff for you.

57
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,080
Who knows,
you might even find your dream job.

58
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,320
Being on the dole is my dream job.

59
00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,440
I get to sit around doing nothing,

60
00:02:56,440 --> 00:03:00,560
and then once a week I get paid for
writing my name on a piece of paper.

61
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,040
And I know my name.

62
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,560
I guess that's why they call them
BEN-EFITS.

63
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:10,080
Ah! I've completed the first scene
of my new play.

64
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,480
It's set in an untidy living room.

65
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,360
Matthew,
you read the role of Matthew.

66
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,480
And Ben, you are Ben.

67
00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:21,400
My name is Ben.

68
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,200
I'll read the role of Tom.
OK, off you go.

69
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,720
"Ben, you need to look for a job."

70
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,520
But Tom just said
we had to read his play.

71
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,720
I know, that is the first line
of the play. I was acting.

72
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:34,680
Oh. That was very good.

73
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,320
Thank you so much.

74
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,720
"But I want to do nothing
and stay on the dole."

75
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,120
This Ben character hasn't got much
going on up top,

76
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,560
he doesn't even know
how Jobseeker's Allowance works!

77
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,760
Stick to the script!

78
00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:49,720
"I guess that's why they call them
BEN-HAND-OUTS!"

79
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,320
BEN-EFITS, Tom.
It was a play on words.

80
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,840
I know I said write what you know,
but this is awful!

81
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:58,880
Hey, do not blame the writing.
It's the performance.

82
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,760
I'm going to do something we should
have done a long time ago -

83
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:05,080
get better actors
to play the three of us.

84
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,840
Oh, great, now I'm late for work.

85
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,160
Oh, I've got a message from Lucy.

86
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,400
She's forwarded me
an office memo I missed.

87
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,480
You know, maybe she's not so bad
after all.

88
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,640
Ah, it's about dress code.
Better get changed.

89
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,520
Right. Item one - dress code.

90
00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:29,000
I want my employees to be smart,
impressive, business-like...

91
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,280
Ta-dah!

92
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,160
Denim Thursdays!

93
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,520
There's no such thing
as Denim Thursdays, is there?

94
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,200
No, no. What an arse.

95
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,480
That's what I thought
when I saw you in those shorts.

96
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,840
Moving swiftly on to item two.

97
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,400
The new position.

98
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,520
And I'm not talking about what me and
Mrs Carabine got up to last night.

99
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,440
No, that's item three.

100
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:06,280
Breaking news - I am no longer
the CEO of Carabine Promotions.

101
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:08,680
I've promoted myself to president!

102
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:14,200
Yes, eh? President! I don't know,
I just thought it sounded cooler.

103
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,480
But as a result, I am looking
to appoint a vice president.

104
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:23,640
Now, to serve as my vice president,
you are going to... have to...

105
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:25,680
Oh, thank you, Lucy.

106
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:29,120
...keep me organised
and anticipate my every need.

107
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,280
Tissue, sir?

108
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,960
Now, I want this sorted today.

109
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,840
I have advertised externally
but, uh, you know,

110
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:47,160
ideally, I would like to appoint
from within.

111
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,080
You're such a suck-up.

112
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,400
It'll all be worth it
when I'm made vice president.

113
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,800
Why would you even want that?

114
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:57,320
Whoever becomes my veep will get
a massive pay rise and their own PA.

115
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:58,600
Oh, I see.

116
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,320
Think you're up to the task?
Apply today.

117
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:06,440
Uh, oh, Lucy,
here's your... application form.

118
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,280
And, sir, can I...
Oh, not you, Jean Genie.

119
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,640
Now go and change
into something more suitable

120
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,520
from the lost property box.

121
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:17,400
Oh, Matthew, don't forget -
tomorrow is PVC Friday.

122
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,080
PVC Friday, yes!
I can wear my red trousers...

123
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,720
Oh, piss off!

124
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,560
Ben! What are you doing here?

125
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,160
What are YOU doing here?
I work here.

126
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:39,680
I thought you were a postman?
That's Tom.

127
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,520
Oh. I saw this in the job centre.

128
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,040
"Vice President needed.
Interviews today.

129
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,880
"Don't bother applying
as I've already decided who I want".

130
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,400
It's perfect.
I get to go to a job interview,

131
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,600
but there's no way
I'll actually get the job.

132
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,720
Well, Lucy's in there now.
I wonder how she's getting on.

133
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,520
How'd it go? I'm quietly confident.

134
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,400
'Next!'

135
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:19,920
Ben, I cannot stress enough
how vital it is that you endeavour

136
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,680
to find employment.

137
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,240
I cannot bring myself
to look for work.

138
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,720
Oh, why, oh, why did they have to
threaten to take away

139
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,040
my Jobseeker's Allowance?

140
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,600
It was ideally suited
to my temperament!

141
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:36,920
Listen to me.
That's why they call them BEN-EFITS.

142
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,840
Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't understand.

143
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:44,240
It's a play on words.
It's really very funny.

144
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:48,320
Is it? You just need to start acting
more like Matthew and Ben.

145
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:53,840
The only member of this cast
who is really nailing it so far...

146
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,480
...is Andreas.

147
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,000
You've captured
the very essence of Tom.

148
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,640
Grazie.

149
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,520
But you.

150
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,240
You need to ask yourself,
"What would Ben do"?

151
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,400
Well, I haven't got a clue.
That's more like it.

152
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,495
You don't know what
you're doing, do you?

153
00:08:12,521 --> 00:08:14,840
Oh, and that's exactly
what Matthew would say!

154
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,160
Finally, you're inhabiting
your characters.

155
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,920
Follow me.

156
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:23,160
It's time we went method.

157
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,640
And that, is all I know.

158
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,960
What, that your name is Ben?

159
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:37,520
Yeah, as impressive as your CV is...

160
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:42,160
...it doesn't actually contain
any information about you, I...

161
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,080
So... what attracts you
to this position?

162
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,920
Well, I like the way your hands
are behind your head,

163
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,720
it looks very relaxing.

164
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,120
No, no, no. What...
What are your strengths?

165
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,920
One - memory.

166
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,400
Two - maths.

167
00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,800
Five - memory.

168
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,000
I think I've heard enough.

169
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,160
Hello,
this is your president speaking.

170
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,640
Oh, dear, no, I couldn't make
any decisions on stocks and shares

171
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,880
without first consulting
my financial advisor,

172
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,960
and, well, he's still in rehab.

173
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,800
Oh, sell or buy? Sell or buy?

174
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,920
Bye! Really?

175
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:24,920
Oh, well. OK, I'll take a punt.
Yeah. Buy! Buy! Buy! Bye.

176
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,960
I've been designing
my new nameplate.

177
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,560
Oh, you've missed out the words
"and professional brownnoser".

178
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,880
Matthew, you should be nicer
to your future vice president.

179
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,680
I get to choose my PA.
And what if I choose you?

180
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:46,080
You'd have to do everything I say.
You'd be my slave.

181
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,200
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

182
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:56,160
To be dominated by a strong,
powerful, attractive woman.

183
00:09:56,160 --> 00:10:00,920
So desirable,
yet, oh, so unobtainable.

184
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:07,880
I'd make your life hell,
a weird, sexy hell.

185
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,720
Look, I know what you're trying to do
and it's not going to...

186
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,360
All right, maybe it has worked a bit.

187
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,600
I'd destroy you.

188
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:20,240
Ladies and gentlemen...
I have made my decision.

189
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:25,960
Please be upstanding
for your new vice president, Ben!

190
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:30,960
What?! My name is Ben.

191
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:38,880
A man whose sound financial advice
just earned me thousands of pounds.

192
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:41,800
Yes! In your face, Lucy. My friend's
vice president and you're not.

193
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,280
Ben, this is great!
You've finally got a proper job.

194
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,400
I don't want a proper job.
Well, it's good for me.

195
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,840
I've really dodged a bullet,
I don't have to be Lucy's PA.

196
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,560
What's a PA? It's someone who does
all your menial tasks

197
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,200
and errands for you, 24/7.

198
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,320
It's basically a glorified slave.
I want Matthew to be my PA.

199
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,000
Done. Shit!

200
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,920
Ben, you are lazy,
you need to look for a proper job.

201
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:11,360
But I don't want to get a job,
I want to stay on the dole.

202
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,720
I am a genius. Excellent, Andreas!

203
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,760
Who are they, and what are
they doing in our front room?

204
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,680
They're performers, and they're
inhabiting their characters.

205
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,880
Inhabiting our clothes, more like.
That's my shirt!

206
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,920
It can be difficult
when art holds up a mirror to life.

207
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,640
Now sh, for they rehearse.

208
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,280
Tom, this is terrible,

209
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,160
you've just written down
what happens in the flat.

210
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:40,200
The script is perfect. You?
You are a terrible actor.

211
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,640
If I'm such a terrible actor,

212
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,920
how come I've done
three episodes of Hollyoaks?

213
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,600
Uh, uh, uh, Dominic, darling,
that was a line from the script.

214
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,240
OK, look,
how about we call it a day?

215
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,240
Andreas, a quick word.

216
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:56,120
Sorry, can I just say, it's
a real pleasure to be playing you.

217
00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:01,520
I've always wanted to play
a buffoon. Me, too! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

218
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,840
You see,
I've been playing you taller.

219
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,120
Now I know where that
inner rage comes from.

220
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,400
Fuck off! Beautiful. Can I use that?

221
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,200
OK, we'll pick up
where we left off tomorrow

222
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,440
and just bear that in mind,
Andreas -

223
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,920
yes, you're showing me
Tom's intellect,

224
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:20,560
but you also need to show me
he once got off with a French girl.

225
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,880
Matthew! Matthew! What is it?

226
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,440
Could you pass the remote control? No, Ben.
I've already told you, I am not your slave.

227
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:33,280
Slave! Ah, but you are, aren't you?
You're my PA, remember?

228
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:36,840
When you've done that,
you can clean up all of this.

229
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,920
And then,
you can make a start on this.

230
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,800
"Cook dinner".
Give you a "sensual bed bath"?

231
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,320
Ben, I am not making you a crown

232
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,040
and I am certainly not
writing you a theme song.

233
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,320
♪ He's got lovely, flowing hair
He can jump into the air ♪

234
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,120
♪ He knows his name
He can count to ten ♪

235
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,680
♪ He's a legend
He is Ben. ♪

236
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,160
Nice crown, Veep.

237
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:11,320
Thanks, sir.
My PA made it and this cape.

238
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:12,800
Veep! Veep!

239
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,880
Now, you and I have got
some work to do.

240
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,120
To the Oval Office!

241
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,873
Just so you know, I
blame you for this.

242
00:13:21,899 --> 00:13:24,225
Yeah, I thought you might. Is
that why you've done this?

243
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,560
No, I just like drawing cocks
on things.

244
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,800
Well, if it makes you feel
any better,

245
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,760
ever since Ben got that job,
I have not stopped working -

246
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,840
clothing him, feeding him,
bathing him -

247
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,720
I haven't had a moment's peace.

248
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,560
Hello?

249
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:42,880
Matthew.

250
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:46,000
Two large coffees, two croissants,
two muffins and two full English!

251
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,440
Hang on. Do you want anything?
Oh, just a cup of tea.

252
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,880
And a cup of tea.
And get my suits dry-cleaned.

253
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,360
You don't have any suits.

254
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:59,120
Well, then, buy me some suits
and then get them dry-cleaned!

255
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,840
I must say, Veep, you're really getting
into the swing of this executive lifestyle.

256
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,760
But now, it's time to earn it.

257
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,600
Yesterday you displayed
fearless financial mettle.

258
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,120
But now it's time to get down
to the business

259
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,800
of advertising and promotions.

260
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,560
Real work.

261
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,040
Real work?

262
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,720
Ah.

263
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:28,320
Oh, I still can't BELIEVE
that Neanderthal man got my job.

264
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,360
It would have been bad being your PA,
but you'd never have got me doing this.

265
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,680
I thought you said Ben was useless?

266
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:39,440
Yeah, he can't really do this, it's just a
painting. And anyway, if Ben's so useless,

267
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,680
how come he's been in there working
with Carabine all day? Trust me.

268
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,280
Soon, Carabine's going to realise that the
only thing Ben is good at is doing nothing.

269
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:49,880
Matthew, Lucy,
my office immediately. Told you.

270
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,120
I just wanted you to witness

271
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,200
the genius of your vice president's
hard work.

272
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,760
This morning the dairy industry
asked us to come up with

273
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,640
a poster campaign to advertise milk.

274
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,400
Veep came up with this.

275
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,400
It's classic, it's simple,
it was a massive success.

276
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,960
Wait till you see his campaign
for the alpine ski slope.

277
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,920
And... The Blank Paper Company.

278
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,480
Oh, sorry, it's upside down.

279
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,040
Damn, he's good.

280
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,680
And just when I thought
this wunderkind

281
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,360
couldn't get any more wunderbar,

282
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,000
he comes up with a masterful slogan
for the new clothing range

283
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,440
for the designer, Ben Sharman.

284
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,720
My name is Ben.

285
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:37,968
Of course, with this new
business coming in,

286
00:15:37,968 --> 00:15:41,200
you can't be expected to survive
with just one PA, so, Lucy,

287
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,080
I'd like you to join Team Ben.

288
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,280
Oh, fuck off!

289
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,480
...Is what I would say
to anyone trying to stop me

290
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,760
joining this winning team.

291
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,120
Veep! Veep!

292
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,480
Veep, veep.

293
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,720
Now, all this success couldn't
have come at a better time.

294
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,400
Tomorrow, I'm making a speech

295
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,440
at the annual promotions industry
conference.

296
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,480
The biggest slash ONLY event
in the promotions calendar!

297
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:12,400
Ben, you're going to be
writing my speech.

298
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,600
Now, I want it on my desk
tomorrow morning.

299
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,200
Don't you let me down!
As if he could!

300
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,840
Whoa. Tom?

301
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,640
Rehearsals are getting
really interesting.

302
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,480
I can't see, I'm too short!

303
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,080
What's going on? Fucking, fuck off!

304
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,720
Why's he talking like that?

305
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:42,240
Since he met you, he's really found
the truth of his character.

306
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,360
What are THEY doing
in OUR front room?!

307
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,520
They are inhabiting
their characters.

308
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,840
Inhabiting our clothes, more like!

309
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,160
Get a job, I'm angry.

310
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,120
I can't, I'm too stupid.

311
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,080
I couldn't afford
any more real actors,

312
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,680
so I had to go to the youth theatre.

313
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,800
I'm a genius!

314
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,440
All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

315
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,040
Uh, darlings, you were fantastic.

316
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,560
What the shitting cock
was that?!

317
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:15,520
You want to work in this industry?
You need to grow some balls!

318
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,240
Hey! Tomorrow is opening night!

319
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,600
But you haven't even
written the end yet.

320
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,440
Actually, that is a point of concern
for the whole cast.

321
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:25,760
How is this play going to end?

322
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,520
Et tu, Miles?

323
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,840
You're siding with this prick?!

324
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,560
I just have some concerns, Thomas.
And what about this title?

325
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,440
They're crap at being adults,
they're CRAPULTS!

326
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,000
It's a genius title!

327
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:44,880
And, of course, I'm going to be
able to come up with an end.

328
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:51,040
Right, that's it. That's it.
Get out. Go on. Rehearsals are over!

329
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:55,000
Out! Stefano, Andreas, a word.

330
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,720
Well... this is weird.

331
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,520
So, you just need to keep in mind
that Tom is a lover and a fighter.

332
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,160
Go on.

333
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,040
OK, you two, quick.

334
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,200
I need you to do something
that feels like an ending.

335
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,200
I don't know,
kill each other or get married.

336
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,280
Oh... Oh, God,
this is going to be hard.

337
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,600
Lucy, what are you doing here?!

338
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,280
Sir, as your new PA,
I just thought I'd come round

339
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,040
and see if you needed
anything doing.

340
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,880
Brilliant!
Let us make you a drink, sir.

341
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,200
You can learn a thing or two
from her, Matthew.

342
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,040
Matthew, make Ben
his favourite drink.

343
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,440
Now you're sucking up to Ben!

344
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,080
Look, I hate being Ben's PA
just as much as I LOVE

345
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:49,560
drawing cocks on things,

346
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:53,400
but I reckon,
that with my sharp mind and with...

347
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,440
Well, with my sharp mind,
we could get Ben fired.

348
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,280
This isn't another one of your tricks
to make me look stupid, is it?

349
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,440
No, this isn't about you.
We need to work together.

350
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,000
So we're a team? Just follow my lead.

351
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,080
There you go, sir, half a pint
of beer in half a pint of milk.

352
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,960
Ah, my favourite - bilk.

353
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,360
So, have you had any ideas about
Carabine's big speech tomorrow?

354
00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:22,200
Now, hear me out... No.

355
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,480
Well, why don't you leave it
to your PAs?

356
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,400
And you can just go
and get some much needed rest.

357
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:32,720
Well, I have earned it.
Veep, veep, everyone!

358
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,040
Ah, bilk.

359
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,280
My favourite.

360
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:58,600
And now, Matthew, we can write
whatever we want in that speech.

361
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,640
And Ben'll hand it in to Carabine and
Carabine will fire him. It is perfect!

362
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,800
Yes, and then you kill each other
and get married.

363
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,400
No, Tom. Was worth a try.

364
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,920
'And now,
to deliver the keynote speech,

365
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,000
'please welcome the president
of Carabine Promotions.'

366
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,880
Maybe I should have
read this through first.

367
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,160
No, what would be the point? If Ben's
written it, it's bound to be brilliant.

368
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:27,240
Citizens of the promotions industry,

369
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,320
I stand before you today,

370
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,600
not as president of my own company

371
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:38,920
or as a captain of local industry,
but as a man, a free man,

372
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:43,160
in a free market,
who also happens to be an arseface.

373
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:49,320
And not just an arseface,
but a prick, a cock-knocker,

374
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,880
a shitter, a classic arsehole
and a tit.

375
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,880
Ask not what you can do
for the promotions industry,

376
00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,280
but ask why am I such a bellwhiff?

377
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:06,000
Ich bin ein terrible prick.
Thank you. Thank you.

378
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,240
If this plan works, you have
to admit, we make a pretty cool team.

379
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,320
I will admit that
I am pretty and cool,

380
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:19,200
and that WE have maybe
worked as a team, how's that?

381
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,480
I'll take it!

382
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,040
How dare you humiliate
your president like that?!

383
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,800
You are impeached, fired,
excommunicated, sacked.

384
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,440
Matthew, Lucy, my office, now.

385
00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:41,720
Ooh!

386
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,680
This has taught me
a valuable lesson...

387
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,240
never trust outsiders.

388
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:56,520
Lucy, of course
you're my vice president.

389
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,520
Now, would you like
to choose your PA?

390
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,840
I-I don't think I'll be needing
a PA, sir,

391
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:06,400
but I'd like to appoint Matthew
our secretary of state.

392
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:09,040
I like that!

393
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:13,320
Pay rises all round!
Tonight, we celebrate.

394
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,480
It's cocktail o'clocktail!

395
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,400
I can't do tonight, sir,
I've got to go to the theatre.

396
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,120
My housemate's written his new play.

397
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:24,520
Well, warm up the motorcade
and count us in!

398
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:27,680
Whoever heard of a president
having a bad time at the theatre?

399
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,680
♪ My name is Tom
I'm writing a play ♪

400
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,200
♪ Writing a play
to be finished today ♪

401
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,760
♪ His name is Ben
You're a slob, you're a slob ♪

402
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:49,800
♪ Ben, you're a slob
Go get a job ♪

403
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,320
♪ No way, not today ♪

404
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,960
♪ I'm on the dole, by the way ♪

405
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,200
♪ It's so good, I'll never quit ♪

406
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,280
♪ That's why they call them
BEN-EFITS. ♪

407
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,200
♪ BEN-EFITS. ♪

408
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,440
I wrote that one!

409
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,040
Ben, you OK?

410
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:17,320
I'm more than OK!
I had an accident at work.

411
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:22,080
The compensation is better than
the dole. I'm living the dream!

412
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,760
Well, let me know if you need help
going to the loo or anything.

413
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:29,840
I'm attached to a bag.
Like I said, I'm living the dream!

414
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,560
Sh! Sh!

415
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,480
♪ Now the play is tomorrow
It's not there yet ♪

416
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:47,360
♪ But you'll get it right
What a privilege it's been ♪

417
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,280
♪ I'm very proud of each one of you ♪

418
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,840
♪ You're the best damn actors
I've ever seen ♪

419
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,560
♪ I'm inspired! ♪

420
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,000
♪ I'm motivated. ♪

421
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,880
I want my mum!

422
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,000
♪ You must write a speech ♪

423
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,600
♪ But don't worry, it's fine ♪

424
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,200
♪ We will write it ♪

425
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:20,520
♪ Then you'll give it to Carabine ♪

426
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,240
♪ This speech must be so bad... ♪

427
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,280
♪ That it leaves
Carabine in disgrace ♪

428
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:36,280
♪ Let's get him to say
he has an arse for a face. ♪

429
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,200
I wonder if Tom's managed
to come up with an ending?

430
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,120
Are you Tom?

431
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:49,280
Yes, I am. I wrote this play.

432
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:55,080
I'm from NASA. There's an asteroid
and it's heading to Earth.

433
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,720
You've been selected
to fly up there

434
00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,400
with an oddball bunch of
oil drillers and drill it to bits.

435
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,440
But I am just a humble writer.

436
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,880
That's not true, Tom.

437
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,520
You're the only man for the job.

438
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,520
Then I will do it.

439
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,240
I can't promise I'll come back.

440
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,720
But I can promise you this...

441
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,200
I will be doing it all for you.

442
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,640
♪ I don't wanna close my eyes ♪

443
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,600
♪ I don't wanna fall asleep ♪

444
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:38,200
♪ Cos I'll miss you, babe
And I don't wanna miss a thing ♪

445
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,880
♪ Even when I dream of you ♪

446
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,280
♪ The sweetest dream will never do ♪

447
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:46,360
♪ I still miss you, babe ♪

448
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:50,560
♪ And I don't wanna miss a thing. ♪

449
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,880
Sir, that bit about the speech,
I can explain.

450
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,040
It was complete fiction.
Tom made it up.

451
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,840
I know what you two did.

452
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,200
You're going to be doing unpaid
overtime for the rest of your lives.

453
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,200
Well... Well, that is the last time

454
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,520
I think about teaming up with you,
Matthew.

455
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,280
I will get you back for this.

456
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,440
And as for you...

457
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,160
Well, I've spoken to my lawyers
about that compensation

458
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,440
and I'll see you in court.

459
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,080
May the best man win.

460
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,640
Oh.

461
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,280
Excuse me. Are you Tom?

462
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,320
Yes, I am...

463
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,680
I wrote the play. I'm from NASA.

464
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,720
There's an asteroid heading
straight towards the Earth.

465
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,440
We need to fly you out to it
and drill it to bits.

466
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,760
But I'm just a humble writer.

467
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,920
Turns out you're the only guy
for the job, sir.

468
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:03,760
Then I'll do it.

469
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:10,120
I can't promise I'll come back,
but I can promise you this.

470
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,440
I'll be doing it for you.

471
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,720
♪ I don't want to close my eyes... ♪

472
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:25,760
Good luck up there, son.
Do your country proud.

473
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,760
Thank you, Mr President.

474
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,920
♪ Cos even when I dream of you ♪

475
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,480
♪ The sweetest dream would never do ♪

476
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:41,840
♪ I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thing ♪

477
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:47,120
That is the last time
we let Tom write an episode.

478
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:11,440
♪ And I don't want to miss a thing... ♪