A Bible-belt girl tells her family
she's becoming a he.
I'm like, I am from a southern Catholic Italian
family in Alabama, and they go, "Whoa, damn dude!"
Now he wants to have a family.
I am a little worried about having a boy.
She was the girl next door.
Not anymore.
What's your real name?
Well, my real name is Jim.
And the boy who became a bride.
You changed your sex,
she changed her sex and then you're interested in each other.
I never really imagined that I could be married.
Three extraordinary people...
Go, man, go! Yeah!
And their families, tell their extraordinary
life changing stories.
So you had a penis and now you have a vagina?
And I'm like, "Why am I talking about my body with you?
I just met you."
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
My name's Clair Farley... and I'm getting married.
Unconsciously, I've imagined myself finding someone that would love me
but I don't think I got as far as what the dress would look like.
It's hard to find the perfect one.
But I think you know when you see it, and... you know,
I kind of trust that I'll feel that,
that moment... that I found it.
Look how pretty it is!
It's so unique.
I was born biologically male.
My name was Alex.
And at that time, I never imagined I'd get married.
People look at me all the time and, you know,
I present in the world as female,
but people just expect that because I'm wanting to express
the gender that I feel that I am, that somehow, you know,
I'm some kind of... monster.
You know, I would say that I'm just like you,
just like anyone else.
- I love that black one. - Oh the black one.
What do you think of your dress?
I think he'll be pretty speechless.
I think he would think that he's marrying the most beautiful
woman in the world.
In the process of allowing myself this gift to be myself,
I've recognized that I don't have to let go of all of myself
from the past.
I grew up in Missoula, Montana.
I have a twin brother, an identical twin brother, named Mark.
We were always together.
They really were mirror images of each other.
Can you say good morning, Alex?
Can you say good morning, Mark?
They were so intrinsically part of each other.
They really didn't need anyone else.
Hi!
Alex and I are going to be doing some jump-rope moves for you...
They were very active.
They had the twin speak and the twin talk.
They were a lot of fun.
Hey birthday boy, how was your birthday?
Hi, Alex.
_
And I just remember just the way people
were reacting to me... and I was watching them and like,
I want to look like that.
There wasn't really any kind of structure around it,
it was more just, uh...
a feeling of...
completeness, like imagining this...
possibility of another me.
My name is Eli Strong, and I'm a Southern boy.
I grew up on Alabama football.
My mom was a big football Alabama fan,
my dad is a big Alabama football fan.
My name was Sara.
I grew up in a big Italian family.
I think that everyone in my family pretty much lives and
breathes football.
Some kids get stories about Goldie Locks and the Three Bears...
and mine were always about Coach Bryant and Alabama football.
I am the oldest by 18 months, older than my younger brother.
My brother and I used to fight a lot because we were so close in age.
At Easter, I had to put on a dress.
It was really hard because it felt like I was putting on a costume.
It felt like it wasn't who I was.
About seven years ago, I changed my name to Eli and started
identifying as a guy.
And then I met Amanda.
Two years later, I decided to take the first step in
my physical transition from female to male.
From the moment I met Eli,
he's always been masculine to me.
His transition was interesting and it still is, but to me,
it's just part of my Eli finding who he is meant to be.
Amanda and I got married on May 14 and now we are
seriously talking about having kids.
I think that I am little worried about having a boy.
I'm worried that he's not going to want to come to me with certain things.
You didn't have this happen, Dad, and so
you can't really understand what I'm going through.
Sweetie, that's with everyone.
I know that. I'm just talking about on particular things.
I know. I'm just saying that...
This is not something you can talk me out of.
I don't expect to talk you out of it or anything.
I think my biggest fear about us having a kid is that...
if they're unhappy and we can't fix it.
- That's every kid... - I know.
But that's what makes us the same as everybody else.
I know, I know.
_
I also hope that my brother and I can get close enough to where
our kids can go to him and talk to him and be like,
Did you have this problem when you were my age?
When we go back down to Alabama this weekend,
it's definitely something that I'm going to bring up.
Hi.
My name is Jim Howley, and I am transgender.
_
As a teenager, I thought that I might be alone the rest of
my life because I really isolated myself.
I would eat lunch in the bathroom;
I would avoid all social contact with my fellow students.
I really liked to climb trees and be out in the natural world.
This was always my favorite one to do:
pretend I was gonna fall.
My name was Jennifer.
I grew up in a military family near Columbus, Ohio.
My friends decided to walk away from me because I was different.
I actually had somebody say to me when I was a teenager...
there was a group of boys and one of them said to the other,
"how do you (bleep) something like that?"
And I looked at him and I said, "You don't."
The tree never asked me if I was a boy or a girl, you know.
I just could hide in the safety of its branches and I was very
invisible, and I liked that.
Do you remember when he told us?
Oh yes. He says, I'm gay.
Diana Howley: The words just came out: I'm gay.
And then he left the room.
And then we were, "Oh, is that what his problem is?"
I said, "Are you guys mad at me?"
"Why are you so quiet? Just say something to me."
"Tell me you love me or say something."
And they... my dad said, "We'll get through this."
My dad, he's 30-some-odd-years ex-military;
he's very solution based.
And my mom just kept... I'm just numb, you know, and she would cry...
And so we adjusted our thoughts from tomboy to gay,
and we moved on.
And we were getting used to that,
and then all of the sudden, "My name is going to be Jim."
Yeah, he says, I'm transitioning.
And Diana says something to the effect,
"I'm just getting used to gay!"
I was 26 when I changed my name and began taking testosterone.
And a few years later, I decided to have surgery.
I started posting video blogs about my life.
I just kind of wanted to update everybody on what's going on.
Boy, when I was 19, I tell ya, I could have used somebody,
'cause I was - what do the young kids say? -,
a hot mess.
God, I was a mess!
And I had a mullet to top it all off.
Me and my mullet and my suicidal tendencies.
I discovered that there were other people out there like myself,
other allies on the Internet.
When I transitioned, I did it alone.
I didn't have anybody.
The minute I tell them I'm trans,
the entire conversation shifts.
Their replies get shorter, they seem uninterested.
I just wanted, like, my whole family to just,
like, hate me and be, like, totally ashamed of me.
Yeah.
It's going really well!
It's important to have someone there as a support...
It can be very hard to grow to our full potential
because we are so focused on trying to be accepted...
And I think that a lot of people get really scared
and isolated and really, you know,
won't even leave the house or have difficulties building relationships.
I see this a lot in my job as a counselor and job coach... and I
support them in finding work and getting through difficult times.
Often people come in and they're...
You know, they've been beaten down by life.
I read a study recently that said more than a third of trans teens attempt suicide.
It was shocking to hear, but I understand.
I was one of them.
Mark came to me and asked me to make a promise...
and I said yes.
There was a lot of older students that were
introducing us to drugs and alcohol.
And I think it was a combination of just feeling mistreated in
our lives and in our town and we just felt really down and depressed.
We drove up to a bluff where we put a hose into the car...
and inhaled carbon monoxide.
We sat in the car for, I don't know,
three or four hours.
I was starting to kind of pass out
and realized that I didn't wanna do it anymore.
I just started driving us home and he was upset at first like,
"What are you doing?"
But I told him, you know, that I had this new feeling of wanting
to live, that I didn't want to lose him...
and that I loved him.
_
They needed to sort of break this twinship that they had.
And it was the hardest decision we ever made to have to send
them away, but at least you knew they were safe. Safe.
Then, when I was 18, I came out as a woman...
as Clair.
As I was telling people I was gay,
it didn't quite fit anymore.
I feel like I really want to be the woman that I am.
And I really did reel from that.
I don't know whether I just didn't believe it,
or I didn't know what it meant, I didn't know how that process
was going to take place.
It's a fairly radical procedure or concept and
change is difficult for a lot of people, for, you know, myself.
Does this mean that she no longer wants to be
my twin or my brother?
Will we lose that connection that we have as twins?
I realized that I just needed to support her
because I might be the only one that would.
I frame it in my mind
and say that I feel like I had to mourn the passing of Alex
before I could really accept Clair.
She finally asked me to come home for Christmas,
and I said, "Well, you know, I'm going to be coming home as
Clair, and you know, if I do that I'm only going to come
if you promise to use 'she' when you refer to me."
And she said that it was her town, and that, you know,
there was no way that I could live as a woman there.
I felt like I had to be very careful of what
I said and how I said it.
And I said, "Well, I can't come home then."
So I spent my first Christmas, you know, in college, alone.
_
Something clicked inside of me where I really felt so confident
in myself and my decisions, that I was willing to be me
regardless of the consequences,
regardless if I died on the table.
Before talking to my family,
I wanted to get together with some high school friends.
Back then they knew me as Sara.
All of them found out that I had transitioned via Facebook.
And they didn't see me as a guy until the reunion.
I know, and I was like, "Who the hell is Eli?"
Eli Strong! I'm like, Elizabeth Strong.
That is Eli! I was like, "Oh, okay!"
When I think back on you in high school,
I just remember like the long, long hair.
Yes. Yes.
Hey, y'all, I was trying.
I really did try. Because the last thing I wanted to do was...
But you always walked like a guy,
now that I think back on it, you know.
I can't even imagine the fear that you had
every day just not being you.
I wish you had been able to just talk about it.
It makes me feel bad that you weren't able to even talk to
the people closest to you.
You were almost mad at the world then.
- I was. I was pissed as shit. - You seemed angry at that time.
God, so young. I was like a lesbian.
I was 16 when I finally started admitting to myself that
I actually liked girls.
And I didn't really have a language for that before.
All I knew was that gay was bad, and so that's bad.
I wasn't suspicious. Well, I was.
I probably was. I would probably like to say I wasn't.
It was our home and I was walking out and she was telling
a friend goodbye and they embraced and I went, "Oop! Whoa!"
It was shocking for me that my mom saw it 'cause
I was not ready for that.
I mean, I had figured this out for myself three days before.
You know, I'm kind of a traditional kind of person.
Shortly after I came out,
I went to my doctor who discovered a growth and it had to be biopsied.
And that really freaked out my mom because she thought that
it might be malignant.
I can remember making a deal with God
that said, you know, "Let me just keep her."
Don't... don't take her.
And she can do and be whatever she wants to be.
Just let me have her.
And so, Monday, when the time came and I called in
and they said, no, it's just It's benign.
You know, I said hey, I told the Lord, I said,
"We made the pact, you're letting me keep her,
I'll keep my word because you kept yours."
Just before I turned 27,
I took the next step in my physical transition.
I had a double mastectomy to make my chest more male in appearance.
Today I'm doing a show-and-tell for other people who are
considering chest surgery.
Tell us how you feel about that?
For me, the reason why I had surgery was because of
the fact that I wanted my body to look on the outside the way
I felt on the inside, you know?
Never felt comfortable with them.
They were everything that I didn't like about being female.
I felt awkward with my body.
I had no other surgery, and I'm comfortable with that.
I'm set. All I wanted was chest surgery. And I'm good.
Was the most difficult thing you had to deal with
was the pain afterwards?
The hardest thing is that you can't lift your arms above...
You can't really lift them above here for two weeks.
So how about the nipple sensation?
Like if you lightly touch my nipple and
my eyes are closed, I probably couldn't feel it.
But if you like kind of like rub me like this,
like my girlfriend likes to do.
So you're very happy with it?
Yeah, I am.
A couple months after my surgery,
I started my testosterone injections.
What shocked me the most was how fast things changed.
I mean fast.
The morning after my first shot, I kinda looked and my hands looked different.
And I walked to the mirror and my face looked different.
And it wasn't that my face or my hands had changed,
it was like this chemical balance in my brain had shifted
and I saw things through different lenses.
This is my voice after one month on testosterone.
This is my voice after three months on testosterone.
This is my voice after nine months on testosterone.
Even after all that work, people on the street
were still seeing me as a female.
It was incredibly frustrating to have that happen.
No, I'm, I'm hip to it. How are doing ma'am?
And I'm like, No, you are not hip to it.
I am not female.
And so it's like they try so hard to be like, "Hey, I'm cool."
And I'm like, "No, you just botched it again."
And it feels like a judgment on who I am.
Practice a lot. It really takes a lot of practice.
I mean to go from something like this, "Hey man, how're you doing."
I've been there and it is inconvenient to lose your shorts
in a pool, but it is so much more inconvenient to have
to dive back down because you've lost your penis.
If they're ugly, you know, and I just definitely want them to not
talk to me ever again, I'll be like, "What up man,
you know, what's up?"
One of my best friends is Antonio,
and he started his transition at about the same time I did.
Cheers, queers!
What I get a lot is, "You're trans?"
"No, you're not. You're not trans." And I'm like, "Okay."
"Okay, fine!"
Oh, damn it!
I think he and I have the healthy kind of competition that
has a lot to do with us being almost like brothers or really
tight guy friends.
What you swinging, big boy?
We'll take potshots at each other,
but we'll also do it with a laugh.
Oh, dammit.
You gonna hit the ball or you just gonna look at it?
I don't know.
There you go! I hate you!
You're just jealous and insecure.
He grew facial hair much faster than I did,
and that was really rough for me.
I love the way you take these practice swings.
And it wasn't because I was jealous that he had it...
it was that I was tired of still not passing while standing
right next to someone who was passing.
It's not easy to transition, it's not cheap to transition
and I don't get it.
I did everything right, and it's still not working.
Early on in my transition,
I was trying to find definition for myself as a man.
These people online said that women would end their sentences
almost like a question.
"What's your name? My name's Ann?"
Or, you know, "My name's Tom."
You know, like, so I would practice, just like,
My name's Jim, you know? "That sounds kind of angry."
For me, being perceived as the man I knew I was, felt safe
because there are people out there who just don't understand
gender transition and become violent when faced with someone like me.
There's a bar in my hometown that I was going to.
I was, you know, getting free drinks and we were having
a really nice time.
And I went to go to the bathroom.
And they told me I need to go out back behind the dumpsters.
And I wasn't gonna do that.
I'm a patron there.
So I went in the bathroom and the next thing I knew two guys
walked in on me, and one said to the other,
they'll let anything in here these days.
I was out at my car...
I was trying to get
in my car and I heard someone say, you know,
What the bleep are you doing?
And I turned around and the next thing I knew,
somebody had hit me with something, a beer bottle
or something like that.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
He knew exactly who I was.
_
I had just reached my breaking point.
You know, you tolerate something for so long that you just reach
a point where you're done.
And I was done. And I left Ohio and went to California.
And it was the best decision I ever made.
I landed a role on a reality TV show called Trans-American Love Story
as well as a few modeling gigs.
And these really forced me to come out of my shell.
I decided to enroll in massage school.
And after a few weeks, it seemed like everybody knew that I was transgender.
These are my really good friends in school.
- Hi, my name's Kalima. - Hi, my name's Sian.
- How's it going? I'm Eric. - Hi, I'm Jill.
A couple weeks ago, when Jim said,
I'm a transgender, I actually had no idea what that meant.
When we first had our first heart-to-heart,
I just asked him, "So, do you have a penis?"
I don't know why I asked that but I felt like I really wanted to know.
I think I responded with,
what I naturally respond with was, you know,
"Well, I have something resembling a penis."
"I have just done a little remodeling to the house down south."
And then you also went on to say, "Well,
if you ever come across this situation again,
maybe that shouldn't be your first question."
And I was like, "Alright, yeah, that's true."
I have had several surgeries throughout the years
to make my body
match my mind.
Some transgender people opt to not have any surgery.
I just don't feel that I could do that.
I was just ready to kinda take those next steps.
As transgender people, we're not just the sum of our surgeries.
Most of the time, the first question out of
someone's mouth is about your physical makeup and what
surgeries you've had and what's going on in your pants.
Quite honestly, if you're not married to me,
if you're not my wife, it's none of your business.
So you had a penis and now you have a vagina?
You know, questions like that.
I'm like, "Why am I talking about my body with you? I just met you."
After college, and after my transition,
I decided to move to San Francisco.
I was excited because I was going to be closer
to my brother Mark.
My work life was going great.
I was really active in the community.
- Hi, Jennifer. - Hi, Clair.
Good to see you.
Shall we go upstairs?
But I was feeling pretty lonely.
And I was scared that I would never find anyone to love me.
She was ready to leave San Francisco and become a monk.
Like, that was about as close as she was
to just being like, "Okay, well I'm just gonna give up
on this whole love thing altogether."
It was so strange because I started just planning
a wedding.
I had this... dream or this hope that it would happen.
And I think just allowing myself just that fun way to kind of
check things out, I was able to just dream that it was possible.
I am falling in love with a woman,
who at this moment shall remain nameless.
But you know who you are.
Jim is the cutest guy ever.
He's kind of confident but caring.
And he's a really great dad to Baby Bear.
We were at the Transgender Leadership summit
in San Diego.
I was walking up there,
and I saw him just kind of leaning over the banister,
just kind of being Mister Cool.
So I was like, "Man, I'm going to play this one real cool."
I was like, "Wow, he's kind of handsome."
And I had this moment of just like butterflies and I'm like,
I wonder if he's gonna talk to me.
I was just like, Wow, she's beautiful.
And he was talking about being on Trans-American
Love Story, and I asked him, "Have you found true love yet?"
And he just kind of looked at me and smiled and said:
"Well, I'm always looking for love," you know?
We decided to live together.
It felt a little bit fast, but we're just like,
"We just have to trust it."
If I felt like we were falling into stereotypical
gender roles, Clair would clean the house all the time and cook all the time.
I fall more into the gender stereotype of princess.
Is that a gender stereotype?
- I guess so! - I don't know.
I think something might have burnt!
Well, we have another half!
Jim's a hopeless romantic for sure.
Some women are not as receptive to a guy being romantic.
I'm glad that I found someone who appreciates it and,
you know, doesn't think that I'm corny.
- You're still corny. - Ok.
But it's a good corny!
Who doesn't think that that sensitivity is too much.
No, the sensitivity is amazing!
Being with Clair, I didn't have to give her a Trans 101.
C'mon, buddy, c'mon.
We get each other, on a real, deep level.
Hi. You know me, I'm Jim Howley.
I know it's been a long time since I've blogged,
but I just wanted to update you on what's going on in my life,
starting with, I'm getting married.
This is known as a wedding ring.
I'm pretty ready. Frank Sinatra meets James Bond.
Nice!
I feel like a mama goose.
These beautiful baby ducks!
We already did the... I've already got a couple of Alabama shirts in here!
They're just underneath my shorts.
_
I've got like four or five jerseys.
There is a possibility that we are going to get a chance to
tour the stadium, which would be probably the greatest
30th birthday present ever.
I think I at one point said something about that it would make my year.
Which is a big statement considering that this year,
I've gotten married, turned 30, you know, all these things.
And that a tour of the stadium would make my year.
And some people might think that's crazy but...
Bigger than getting married?
It is bigger than getting married. Love you!
I've been wanting to talk to my brother a lot lately,
and just kind of see where we are,
how he feels about me being his brother and not his big sister,
because it's something that we don't really ever talk about.
- I hope I've packed enough. - Windbreaker?
As a family, we've never sat down and really discussed anything.
And so I'd like to be able to talk to, you know,
my stepdad and my brother.
It's hard, especially when you come from an area that's very
Southern and in the Bible Belt.
You've gotta have patience.
Hello!
The first thing I do when I get home is visit my brother Craig.
We haven't talked a lot since I left for college, almost 13 years ago.
And back then, I was his sister.
Communication is hardest for us about things that are emotional
or personal in our lives.
Which way you wanna go? Right?
You can go right.
Let me ask you this, and this is getting personal.
Yeah.
Um, do you at this point
see me as a younger brother?
Yeah, but only in age.
I almost feel like I'm playing the role
of the older brother.
Yeah, I mean, I can see how you would feel that way
because you've been a brother your whole life,
and this is kind of new to me.
I got a little bit pissed off at you at one point because
you guys would come over, and I hadn't seen you in forever,
and you weren't there for that long and you left.
And Mom said, "You need to recognize that other than your
parents, you and your brother have nothing in common."
I feel bad because I know you especially
desire more from me than I have been willing to give.
Yeah.
And I know that, and that that sucks.
You know, I think that once I move closer to here,
maybe some of that stuff will change,
especially once we have kids and we're hangin' out more often.
I'm more concerned about having a boy.
Having a boy?
Mm-hm. Because I wasn't socialized as a boy.
I'm not saying that I wouldn't be a good role model. I will be.
But if there's ever a moment where I'm questioning,
"Is there something I need to teach my son that I wasn't
taught," I would be happy to be able to call you so that
I can go, like, "Okay, this is where I'm comin' at this.
Is this nuts? Is this different?"
You're talkin' about somethin' as basic as...
How to pee standing up.
Pee across the river kinda thing.
Yeah, whatever.
That's what I'm sayin', is that, you know...
I don't know when those things are gonna come up.
And when they do, it's gonna be like, "Alright,
this is gonna be interesting.
You need to go talk to Uncle Craig about that."
I thought it went really well, talking to Craig.
He was more open than he's really ever been.
Now I've got to talk to everyone else.
We're in the Bible Belt and so it is a little more
conservative area.
I'm a very conservative person myself!
Everybody has to do their own walk of faith.
Bless us, oh Lord, for these our gifts which we are
about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord.
I've talked to some family members individually,
but I've never talked to them all at the same time.
And my stepdad Andy has never really discussed his feelings
about my transition.
I loved... from the minute she was born,
to this moment that he is my son, there's been no time,
no difference.
But I know that it was hard for Craig.
I mean, he was this young Southern boy, who was just...
This was just thrown on him.
One of the biggest obstacles I have is that,
about five or seven years ago, Sara moved away,
and then five years later Eli came home.
A very important thing that happened is how my mom decided
to accept it.
Because she was so, "This is my child,
I'm going to love and support my child,
then that made everybody else be so okay to do it."
It really was.
I couldn't imagine if she'd been like,
"I'm just not going to accept this."
I've been waiting to have the opportunity to just
say that's the rock star right there.
And Andy came into our life, and you know,
he took us as a package deal, and not long after he took us
as a package deal, somebody came out.
Hi girls!
Somebody came out of the closet.
Sorry!
And he never batted an eye.
You're not so worried about what you think but
what will other people think?
'Cause so many jokes and slurs are made.
So it was tough to start with, 'cause I take them
as my own children and I always have.
Who's to say?
I'm a staunch Catholic, as my wife is, you know.
And in our eyes, does the Bible say it's wrong?
Yeah, it might be. But again, I look up and I say,
"It's not my call."
Just try to be there when times are tough.
'Cause if I can leave them with anything,
it's about family is the most important thing.
It is.
'Cause when your backs against the wall and
you need something, your family's gotta to be there.
You can be a Catholic, whatever,
Southern family, and it is all about family and love.
And there is nothing else, end of sentence.
Our kids will definitely come to Alabama
- football games. That is for sure. - Oh yeah?
Mom is constantly bugging us about having kids.
She is chomping at the bit to be a grandmother.
You know, I've already got a name picked out.
Do I sound like an Italian mom or what?
_
I'm feeling nervous about having everything come together.
I think it's gorgeous!
I'm nervous about all the details.
I'm nervous about having everyone get there and be there.
I've been imagining this and working toward this,
so I get excited.
I think there's going to be a lot of smiling in the next few hours.
We've gone through that tunnel of darkness and never really
gave up on the real potential of who we were as people
and as a family.
You're finished. You're beautiful, perfect.
We have come through the other side.
I just adore you in this dress.
I adore you outside of this dress too, but this dress is...
This is probably one of the more exciting times
of our lives that goes right up with all the marriages of
our sons through the years.
I think saying it in front of our family and
friends gives them a chance to really just honor us
for surviving, celebrate with us that, you know,
life is pretty awesome.
She's beautiful.
She always has been, but you are even more beautiful when you are
in your wedding dress.
If they can commit to one another as well
as they have to themselves, there will be nothing
- that can stop them. - That's right.
Because they are dynamic people.
I respect them with all my being
because they've overcome so much.
Who with out a second thought would run to the aid of a stranger regardless of...
Please close your eyes.
Our life is normal now.
All of our lives are normal now.
Yeah.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I feel like I'm just the luckiest guy
in any universe anywhere.
- synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -