1 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,400 Hey, look who it is! It's Schmidt. And... 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,701 This is Barb. Barb is leaving. 3 00:00:07,735 --> 00:00:08,902 Oh, Barb. Like the elephant. 4 00:00:08,936 --> 00:00:11,171 That's Babar, you dum-dum. 5 00:00:11,205 --> 00:00:14,174 Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? 6 00:00:14,208 --> 00:00:15,275 Since I know sleeping wasn't 7 00:00:15,309 --> 00:00:16,910 the main activity of the night. 8 00:00:16,944 --> 00:00:19,346 Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. 9 00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:21,581 You're just so loud! (chuckles) 10 00:00:21,615 --> 00:00:24,284 - You have a lot of roommates. - So many of 'em. That's great. 11 00:00:24,318 --> 00:00:25,685 - Bye, Barb. - Bye, Barb. 12 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:26,920 - Bye, Schmidt. - (door shuts) 13 00:00:26,954 --> 00:00:28,755 That was the third piece of nanny 14 00:00:28,789 --> 00:00:30,957 - this week, am I right? - Sure is. 15 00:00:30,992 --> 00:00:33,093 Little shop talk from someone who's also out there 16 00:00:33,127 --> 00:00:35,528 trying to crush butt herself. 17 00:00:35,563 --> 00:00:36,863 Um, where are you meeting all 18 00:00:36,897 --> 00:00:39,566 these eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? 19 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,101 - Dice. - Hmm? 20 00:00:41,135 --> 00:00:43,236 It's kind of like Tinder. Dice and Tinder. 21 00:00:43,270 --> 00:00:44,704 I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right? 22 00:00:44,739 --> 00:00:46,773 - (groans) - Dice is a dating app. 23 00:00:46,807 --> 00:00:48,541 - Dating app. What? - It's not for you. 24 00:00:48,576 --> 00:00:50,744 Schmidty. 25 00:00:50,778 --> 00:00:52,812 Come on. I've Internet dated before. 26 00:00:52,847 --> 00:00:56,082 You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back. 27 00:00:56,117 --> 00:00:58,551 - You are just describing e-mailing. - Come on. 28 00:00:58,586 --> 00:00:59,870 You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice. 29 00:00:59,895 --> 00:01:01,154 - Do you want to see... - Come on, now. 30 00:01:01,188 --> 00:01:03,723 Do you want to see... This is Dice. Come here. 31 00:01:03,758 --> 00:01:05,659 It's all about split-second decisions, okay? 32 00:01:05,693 --> 00:01:07,227 You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, 33 00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:08,728 - you swipe up for no. - JESS: You're so fast. 34 00:01:08,763 --> 00:01:09,829 Instinct. That's what it's about. 35 00:01:09,864 --> 00:01:11,665 Which you don't have. 36 00:01:11,699 --> 00:01:15,101 Now, I'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. 37 00:01:15,136 --> 00:01:17,103 Don't go on Dice, Jess. 38 00:01:17,138 --> 00:01:18,638 I won't. 39 00:01:21,175 --> 00:01:24,411 Okay, now. 40 00:01:24,445 --> 00:01:26,780 New account. 41 00:01:26,814 --> 00:01:30,183 I am... Darn tootin' fun. 42 00:01:30,217 --> 00:01:32,185 DTF. 43 00:01:32,219 --> 00:01:34,854 Seeks same. 44 00:01:34,889 --> 00:01:37,324 I'm Dicing. 45 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:41,995 - Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk - - www.addic7ed.com - 46 00:01:46,826 --> 00:01:48,393 WINSTON: You know, I'm really enjoying the police academy, 47 00:01:48,427 --> 00:01:49,828 but, believe it or not, 48 00:01:49,926 --> 00:01:52,060 I am not clicking socially with the other cadets. 49 00:01:52,095 --> 00:01:53,195 - What? Weird. - Oh, my God. 50 00:01:53,229 --> 00:01:55,030 No. That's crazy. 51 00:01:55,064 --> 00:01:56,965 - That is super shocking news. - I can't wrap my head around that. 52 00:01:56,999 --> 00:01:58,834 - That just doesn't add up. - Everyone's got a nickname but me. 53 00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:01,670 Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner? (chuckles) 54 00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:03,738 Hey, Winston Bishop. 55 00:02:03,773 --> 00:02:05,073 Why don't you just go ask them 56 00:02:05,108 --> 00:02:06,541 if you can hang out with them sometime? 57 00:02:06,576 --> 00:02:07,976 I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 58 00:02:08,010 --> 00:02:10,378 Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. 59 00:02:10,413 --> 00:02:13,215 Winnie the Bish wasn't raised to be rude. 60 00:02:13,249 --> 00:02:15,851 Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca. 61 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:18,487 I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop. 62 00:02:18,521 --> 00:02:21,256 I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, I don't know, 63 00:02:21,290 --> 00:02:22,991 what if I want to get stoned or something? 64 00:02:23,025 --> 00:02:24,326 I've actually never gotten stoned before. 65 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,261 - You've never been stoned? - What? 66 00:02:26,295 --> 00:02:27,596 Should I do it before he becomes a cop? 67 00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:29,030 - We could do this. - Really? 68 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:30,899 We're adults. We can smoke a little weed. 69 00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:32,501 - I think we should do it. - It's been a while. 70 00:02:32,535 --> 00:02:33,935 I pick up stuff really quick. 71 00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:35,937 You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. 72 00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:38,274 Like everything else in life, it takes practice. 73 00:02:38,371 --> 00:02:40,842 Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine year old Chinese girl. 74 00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:43,044 Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. 75 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,846 I'll be your spiritual guru. 76 00:02:44,881 --> 00:02:46,481 And Mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, 77 00:02:46,516 --> 00:02:47,916 so I'm gonna bake some damn brownies 78 00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:49,184 so we can all freak out. 79 00:02:49,218 --> 00:02:51,620 - Let's do it. - We're getting stoned? 80 00:02:51,654 --> 00:02:53,789 This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12 year olds. 81 00:02:53,823 --> 00:02:55,924 - The hell is that? What is that noise? - (ringtone playing) 82 00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:57,392 Your cellular technology. 83 00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,796 I haven't gotten a non text message in two years. 84 00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:02,431 Jess? 85 00:03:02,465 --> 00:03:05,434 Hey, uh... So, I Diced 86 00:03:05,468 --> 00:03:08,070 and it was great. Um, 87 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:11,239 but could I get a ride? 88 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,809 You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? 89 00:03:16,345 --> 00:03:19,748 Do you have a dog, or is this all you? 90 00:03:19,782 --> 00:03:21,316 Which would you prefer? 91 00:03:21,350 --> 00:03:23,085 (barks) 92 00:03:24,654 --> 00:03:27,355 Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? 93 00:03:29,092 --> 00:03:30,692 He looked nice in his picture. 94 00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:33,795 The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, 95 00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:35,897 so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail? 96 00:03:35,932 --> 00:03:38,066 - Mmm. - He asked me 97 00:03:38,101 --> 00:03:39,901 to the food court near his house. 98 00:03:39,936 --> 00:03:42,170 I thought that was down to earth, and I liked that. 99 00:03:42,205 --> 00:03:43,638 He didn't bring any money, 100 00:03:43,673 --> 00:03:45,807 so we had to go back to his apartment. 101 00:03:45,842 --> 00:03:49,311 And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. 102 00:03:49,345 --> 00:03:51,213 (groans) 103 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,182 Maybe I'm not ready for Dice. 104 00:03:54,217 --> 00:03:56,151 Will you just help me, please? 105 00:03:56,185 --> 00:03:58,520 I want to get back out there. I have to... 106 00:03:58,554 --> 00:04:00,489 I need to get back out there. 107 00:04:00,523 --> 00:04:01,623 And I know I'm gullible. 108 00:04:01,657 --> 00:04:02,824 'Cause people tell me that, 109 00:04:02,859 --> 00:04:04,793 and I have no reason not to believe them. 110 00:04:06,129 --> 00:04:08,130 Teach me to Dice. 111 00:04:12,735 --> 00:04:15,037 - Is that a yes? - (mutters) 112 00:04:15,071 --> 00:04:16,838 Schmidt? 113 00:04:16,873 --> 00:04:18,874 What's happening? 114 00:04:21,577 --> 00:04:23,111 Ah! What the hell? 115 00:04:23,146 --> 00:04:25,547 I will teach you Dice. 116 00:04:33,535 --> 00:04:35,836 Welcome and... 117 00:04:35,871 --> 00:04:36,838 good morning. 118 00:04:36,870 --> 00:04:39,138 - It's weird here in the morning. - It is very sad. 119 00:04:39,173 --> 00:04:40,807 Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, 120 00:04:40,841 --> 00:04:42,742 your notions of dating will be challenged. 121 00:04:42,776 --> 00:04:44,877 - Jess, just listen. No notes. - I'm sorry. 122 00:04:44,912 --> 00:04:46,477 You put notebooks and pens on the table, 123 00:04:46,502 --> 00:04:47,847 - so I thought... - I totally get it. 124 00:04:47,881 --> 00:04:49,982 Look, Jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water? 125 00:04:50,017 --> 00:04:51,417 - Oh, thank you. - Of course. 126 00:04:51,452 --> 00:04:53,453 - That's really nice of... - Never show weakness. 127 00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:56,856 Write that down. Now, you're on Dice 128 00:04:56,890 --> 00:04:58,758 and this hunk shows up. 129 00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:01,194 Hubba hubba, mama in trubba. 130 00:05:01,228 --> 00:05:02,095 Don't ever do that again. 131 00:05:02,129 --> 00:05:03,463 Okay. So you find 132 00:05:03,497 --> 00:05:05,131 this man. He looks like a Hemsworth, 133 00:05:05,165 --> 00:05:06,365 if you will. 134 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,301 He swipes down, you swipe down, 135 00:05:08,335 --> 00:05:11,304 you guys set a date. I show up. 136 00:05:11,338 --> 00:05:13,106 Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele. 137 00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:14,807 - Hi, Jack. - (buzzing) 138 00:05:14,842 --> 00:05:17,844 - Wrong. - Is that our Taboo buzzer? 139 00:05:17,878 --> 00:05:19,679 - Not important. Why did I buzz? - Do you think you could 140 00:05:19,713 --> 00:05:21,380 just return it to the box when you're done? 141 00:05:21,415 --> 00:05:23,950 The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person. 142 00:05:23,984 --> 00:05:25,718 Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. 143 00:05:25,753 --> 00:05:27,453 I am a rugged Semitic prince. 144 00:05:27,488 --> 00:05:29,655 - I thought we were role playing. - Role playing? 145 00:05:29,690 --> 00:05:31,124 What about this feels like a game to you? 146 00:05:31,158 --> 00:05:33,993 - (buzzing) - (phone chimes) 147 00:05:34,028 --> 00:05:36,362 Ooh, I got a Dice match. 148 00:05:36,397 --> 00:05:37,363 Jacob. 149 00:05:37,398 --> 00:05:39,799 He has dreamy eyes. 150 00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:41,467 - Them's joint bank account eyes. - Okay, 151 00:05:41,502 --> 00:05:43,369 if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, 152 00:05:43,404 --> 00:05:46,172 we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. 153 00:05:46,206 --> 00:05:48,975 Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically. 154 00:05:49,009 --> 00:05:50,309 Well, I have a good feeling about this guy. 155 00:05:50,344 --> 00:05:51,210 - Okay. - I'm gonna ask him out. 156 00:05:51,245 --> 00:05:52,512 Hey. 157 00:05:52,546 --> 00:05:54,013 You're not ready yet. 158 00:05:55,749 --> 00:05:58,151 I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. 159 00:05:58,185 --> 00:05:59,752 I'm sure you have the protection plan. 160 00:05:59,787 --> 00:06:01,254 - I do have the... - (buzzing) 161 00:06:01,288 --> 00:06:03,923 Never get the protection plan! 162 00:06:03,957 --> 00:06:05,892 NICK: The oceans are very wild. 163 00:06:05,926 --> 00:06:08,528 No man or piece of scientific technology 164 00:06:08,562 --> 00:06:10,863 has ever been to the bottom of the ocean. 165 00:06:10,898 --> 00:06:13,032 - Titanic did. - Uh, Titanic sunk down there, 166 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:14,434 but that's not to the bottom. 167 00:06:14,468 --> 00:06:16,202 No, the man who made Titanic did. 168 00:06:16,236 --> 00:06:18,604 I don't know what Manhoo is, but... 169 00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:20,206 You guys seem a lot higher than me. 170 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,542 Well, it hits everybody at different times, Hoss. 171 00:06:22,576 --> 00:06:24,277 But it's coming for you. 172 00:06:24,311 --> 00:06:26,112 My people! (chuckles) 173 00:06:26,146 --> 00:06:28,381 Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. 174 00:06:28,415 --> 00:06:30,783 I took Cece's advice and decided to invite myself 175 00:06:30,818 --> 00:06:32,952 to hang out with some of the other guys, 176 00:06:32,986 --> 00:06:35,121 and I think y'all should roll with. 177 00:06:35,155 --> 00:06:36,723 Make me look cooler. 178 00:06:36,757 --> 00:06:39,459 I'll totally go to a party on your butt. 179 00:06:39,493 --> 00:06:40,293 What? 180 00:06:40,327 --> 00:06:42,295 - (laughing) - No. No. 181 00:06:42,329 --> 00:06:44,897 Now, that is a humorous image. 182 00:06:44,932 --> 00:06:48,034 What? 183 00:06:48,068 --> 00:06:50,103 - But, seriously, you have to go. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 184 00:06:50,137 --> 00:06:51,571 Know-know what? We're gonna go. 185 00:06:51,605 --> 00:06:52,638 We're gonna go. 186 00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,474 Okay. We're gonna go. 187 00:06:54,508 --> 00:06:56,476 We're gonna go. We're gonna go. 188 00:06:56,510 --> 00:06:57,977 - You're gonna go? - Hey, we're gonna go. 189 00:06:58,012 --> 00:06:59,479 We're gonna go. 190 00:06:59,513 --> 00:07:01,047 - We're gonna go. - Right on, right on. 191 00:07:01,081 --> 00:07:02,815 Well, then we'll go. 192 00:07:02,850 --> 00:07:04,317 (chuckling): Yeah. 193 00:07:04,351 --> 00:07:05,718 You guys are way too messed up to be going. 194 00:07:05,753 --> 00:07:07,954 You're not an expert. I am. 195 00:07:07,988 --> 00:07:09,288 Nobody knows we're stoned. 196 00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:10,656 If we didn't go, then they would know. 197 00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:11,891 You're saying that be... 198 00:07:11,925 --> 00:07:13,459 if we don't go to the party, 199 00:07:13,494 --> 00:07:14,827 they're gonna think that we're high. 200 00:07:14,862 --> 00:07:16,996 Oh, the guy who's never done weed. 201 00:07:17,031 --> 00:07:18,831 That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." 202 00:07:18,866 --> 00:07:20,500 You don't "do weed." That's a test. 203 00:07:20,534 --> 00:07:22,235 You said it. Listen to me, 204 00:07:22,269 --> 00:07:24,837 first order of business, we eat their food. 205 00:07:24,872 --> 00:07:26,755 - Okay. - Then you look at the pool. 206 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,274 "Aw, what a great pool. 207 00:07:28,308 --> 00:07:32,245 I wish... I wish I could dive for rings." 208 00:07:32,279 --> 00:07:35,782 Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. 209 00:07:35,816 --> 00:07:39,118 Um, I was just thinking of this impression. 210 00:07:40,688 --> 00:07:41,988 Who am I doing? 211 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:46,559 - Who am I doing? - Al Pacino? 212 00:07:46,593 --> 00:07:49,662 Maybe. So, then, 213 00:07:49,697 --> 00:07:51,998 you get home, you eat some pizza... 214 00:07:52,032 --> 00:07:54,534 Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility 215 00:07:54,568 --> 00:07:57,236 of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad. 216 00:07:57,271 --> 00:07:59,372 Ooh. Wow. 217 00:07:59,406 --> 00:08:02,909 This is a big party. I'm talking wall-to-wall cops. 218 00:08:02,943 --> 00:08:04,777 Man. 219 00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:11,017 Oh, I did not think this through. 220 00:08:11,051 --> 00:08:13,553 (giggling) 221 00:08:13,587 --> 00:08:17,090 It just hit me. 222 00:08:17,124 --> 00:08:18,725 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 223 00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,093 hey, hey, hey, hey. 224 00:08:20,127 --> 00:08:22,528 And that is why... No matter how tricked out it is... 225 00:08:22,563 --> 00:08:24,197 You never get into a van. 226 00:08:24,231 --> 00:08:26,566 - "...van." - Okay, moving on. 227 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:27,767 Classic warning signs. 228 00:08:27,801 --> 00:08:29,168 Now, last night, the crazy man 229 00:08:29,203 --> 00:08:31,104 said he needed to meet you near his house. 230 00:08:31,138 --> 00:08:32,772 What he was really saying was, 231 00:08:32,806 --> 00:08:34,540 "I expect tonight to end in sex." 232 00:08:34,575 --> 00:08:37,277 Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets. 233 00:08:37,311 --> 00:08:39,445 Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet 234 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,882 for a man to have is a saltwater fish. Okay, what now? 235 00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:44,684 Okay, first test. Now, I'm gonna say something, 236 00:08:44,718 --> 00:08:47,320 and you tell me what's really being said. 237 00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,756 Oh, you know, I'm just staying in a hotel right now. 238 00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:51,291 "I like to travel." 239 00:08:51,325 --> 00:08:53,693 - (buzzing) - Homeless. Pervert. 240 00:08:53,727 --> 00:08:56,863 Oh, my God, my mom is just the most amazing woman. 241 00:08:56,897 --> 00:08:58,264 Oh. "I love my mother." 242 00:08:58,299 --> 00:08:59,565 (buzzing) 243 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,135 Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. 244 00:09:02,169 --> 00:09:04,771 I kind of prefer public transportation. 245 00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,306 Oh. Earth-conscious. 246 00:09:06,340 --> 00:09:08,241 - (buzzing) - Multiple DUIs. 247 00:09:08,275 --> 00:09:09,309 (buzzing) 248 00:09:09,343 --> 00:09:11,144 Pervert. 249 00:09:11,178 --> 00:09:12,645 Okay, time for the next phase. 250 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,047 - Next phase? - Jess? 251 00:09:14,081 --> 00:09:16,950 - Hi. I'm Malcolm. From Dice? - Oh... 252 00:09:16,984 --> 00:09:18,585 Oh. 253 00:09:18,619 --> 00:09:20,587 - Hi. - Hey. 254 00:09:20,621 --> 00:09:22,422 She'll be with you in just a minute. 255 00:09:22,456 --> 00:09:24,157 Okay. 256 00:09:24,191 --> 00:09:26,259 You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my 257 00:09:26,293 --> 00:09:28,461 lounge-around underwear. I set you up on ten dates. 258 00:09:28,495 --> 00:09:30,129 - What? - Ten years of experience in one day. 259 00:09:30,164 --> 00:09:31,297 Expert by midnight. 260 00:09:31,332 --> 00:09:32,799 The Dice Diez. 261 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,167 "Diez" is Spanish for ten. 262 00:09:34,201 --> 00:09:36,169 Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready. 263 00:09:36,203 --> 00:09:38,571 That's like taking a musical from rehearsals 264 00:09:38,606 --> 00:09:40,940 straight to Broadway. You got to workshop it first... 265 00:09:40,975 --> 00:09:42,408 If you are for one second suggesting 266 00:09:42,443 --> 00:09:43,843 that I don't know how to open a musical... 267 00:09:43,877 --> 00:09:45,845 How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here. 268 00:09:45,879 --> 00:09:48,147 Now, of course you're not ready, Jess. 269 00:09:48,182 --> 00:09:50,617 That's why I set up ten dates. 270 00:09:50,651 --> 00:09:52,418 Now, you can do this. Come on. 271 00:09:52,453 --> 00:09:54,621 All right. 272 00:09:54,655 --> 00:09:55,622 So... 273 00:09:55,656 --> 00:09:56,923 - So. - Date talk. 274 00:09:56,957 --> 00:09:58,858 Okay. (chuckles) What do you do? 275 00:09:58,892 --> 00:10:01,427 Um, well, I don't have a job, currently, right now, 276 00:10:01,462 --> 00:10:03,763 in the traditional "nine to five" sense, 277 00:10:03,797 --> 00:10:06,266 but, uh, I got a lot cooking. 278 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,802 I "grow" "raisins." 279 00:10:12,306 --> 00:10:14,540 I'm sorry, Malcolm, um, 280 00:10:14,575 --> 00:10:16,576 I'm gonna have to... 281 00:10:17,578 --> 00:10:18,745 (whispering): Get out of there. 282 00:10:18,779 --> 00:10:20,713 let you finish that story. 283 00:10:20,748 --> 00:10:23,850 Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. 284 00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:25,618 There's the Leopold raisin, 285 00:10:25,653 --> 00:10:27,287 - which is from Austria. - Mm-hmm. 286 00:10:27,321 --> 00:10:29,389 And then there's the Zwiebel raisin, 287 00:10:29,423 --> 00:10:30,623 which is also from Austria. 288 00:10:32,221 --> 00:10:33,287 But I think the main thing 289 00:10:33,322 --> 00:10:34,689 that got me through my time in prison 290 00:10:35,121 --> 00:10:36,355 was the realization 291 00:10:36,389 --> 00:10:38,056 that a "raisin" can be anything. 292 00:10:38,091 --> 00:10:39,391 We got to go! 293 00:10:39,425 --> 00:10:41,193 (in Southern accent): Ma called. The bees are back. 294 00:10:41,227 --> 00:10:42,561 Ma called. The bees are back. 295 00:10:42,595 --> 00:10:44,196 Oh, okay. Um... 296 00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:45,998 Should I just... Should I wait for you? 297 00:10:46,032 --> 00:10:48,066 You know that was a bad date, right? 298 00:10:48,101 --> 00:10:50,168 I know, but I just felt so trapped. 299 00:10:50,203 --> 00:10:52,704 Just do what I did, make up an excuse and then leave. 300 00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,906 Just, just say as little as you need to, okay? 301 00:10:54,941 --> 00:10:55,974 Make it your own. 302 00:10:56,009 --> 00:10:57,075 You ready? Yeah. 303 00:10:57,110 --> 00:10:58,377 - You can do this. - Okay. 304 00:10:58,411 --> 00:10:59,711 You have so much hair. What? 305 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:00,779 Where did all that hair come from? 306 00:11:00,813 --> 00:11:01,847 You're like a lioness. 307 00:11:01,881 --> 00:11:03,482 So, did you know you could put 308 00:11:03,516 --> 00:11:05,651 a whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it 309 00:11:05,685 --> 00:11:08,620 without plucking it or preparing it at all? 310 00:11:10,156 --> 00:11:11,623 (whispering): Keep it simple. 311 00:11:11,658 --> 00:11:12,724 Uh, let's keep it simple. 312 00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:13,925 You're a nice guy, 313 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,427 and that's a neat outfit. 314 00:11:15,461 --> 00:11:17,296 Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? 315 00:11:17,330 --> 00:11:18,363 Are... Do you work on... 316 00:11:18,398 --> 00:11:19,798 - on a submarine? - Shh. 317 00:11:19,832 --> 00:11:20,899 No! No! 318 00:11:20,934 --> 00:11:22,100 Oh. Stand down, 319 00:11:22,135 --> 00:11:23,335 - sir! - We found your son. 320 00:11:23,369 --> 00:11:24,403 He's alive. 321 00:11:24,437 --> 00:11:26,271 They found my son; he's alive. 322 00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:28,540 I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you. 323 00:11:28,574 --> 00:11:30,042 WINSTON: All right, now, remember, 324 00:11:30,076 --> 00:11:31,176 y'all are my dogs, okay? 325 00:11:31,210 --> 00:11:32,411 So just stay by my side 326 00:11:32,445 --> 00:11:33,812 and make me look cool. 327 00:11:33,846 --> 00:11:36,515 If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark. 328 00:11:36,549 --> 00:11:39,051 (laughs) I want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? 329 00:11:39,085 --> 00:11:40,919 Oh, okay, look. 330 00:11:40,954 --> 00:11:42,287 Look, there's Dugan. There's Dugan. 331 00:11:42,322 --> 00:11:45,157 That's the guy I was telling you about. Come on. 332 00:11:45,191 --> 00:11:47,192 Over there is better. 333 00:11:47,226 --> 00:11:48,260 All right. 334 00:11:48,294 --> 00:11:50,395 - What? - Whatever the hell that means. 335 00:11:50,430 --> 00:11:52,497 Is there a cop in the house? (laughs) 336 00:11:52,532 --> 00:11:55,100 I feel really calm. Really relaxed. 337 00:11:55,134 --> 00:11:57,202 - Oh, look, a hummingbird. - What the hell are you talking about? 338 00:11:57,236 --> 00:11:59,071 There's no such thing as a hummingbird. 339 00:11:59,105 --> 00:12:00,706 Birds don't hum. 340 00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:01,873 They sing. 341 00:12:01,908 --> 00:12:03,508 They basically invented singing. 342 00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:05,210 You're so high right now, man. 343 00:12:05,244 --> 00:12:07,512 You're so high, I couldn't possibly even bring you back. 344 00:12:07,547 --> 00:12:09,548 Actually, dude, I feel really good. 345 00:12:09,582 --> 00:12:11,116 Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, 346 00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:12,618 you look like an insane person. 347 00:12:12,652 --> 00:12:16,221 Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. 348 00:12:16,256 --> 00:12:17,656 Say something. 349 00:12:17,690 --> 00:12:19,191 Hello, Nick. 350 00:12:19,225 --> 00:12:21,093 (laughs) 351 00:12:21,127 --> 00:12:23,195 That took you, like, 20 minutes. 352 00:12:23,229 --> 00:12:25,163 "Hello, Nick." 353 00:12:25,198 --> 00:12:27,699 And now I'm a model and a bartender. 354 00:12:27,734 --> 00:12:29,301 But I... 355 00:12:29,335 --> 00:12:31,703 I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. 356 00:12:31,738 --> 00:12:33,939 I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing with my life. 357 00:12:35,108 --> 00:12:36,208 I'm so sorry. 358 00:12:36,242 --> 00:12:37,442 What was your question again? 359 00:12:37,477 --> 00:12:39,111 I didn't ask you anything. 360 00:12:39,145 --> 00:12:41,613 You just walked up and started talking. 361 00:12:41,648 --> 00:12:43,148 So, man, I'm in the locker room, 362 00:12:43,182 --> 00:12:44,816 and I see a spider, and I'm like, 363 00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:46,118 "I hope this is Charlotte's Web 364 00:12:46,152 --> 00:12:47,386 and you're nice." 365 00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:51,857 You haven't seen Charlotte's Web? 366 00:12:51,891 --> 00:12:53,325 Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon. 367 00:12:53,359 --> 00:12:56,161 The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. 368 00:12:56,195 --> 00:12:58,096 Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. 369 00:12:58,131 --> 00:12:59,565 So that was sad. 370 00:12:59,599 --> 00:13:01,667 That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. 371 00:13:01,701 --> 00:13:03,035 I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. 372 00:13:03,069 --> 00:13:06,638 Where are my dogs? 373 00:13:06,673 --> 00:13:09,041 I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, 374 00:13:09,075 --> 00:13:11,410 because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. 375 00:13:11,444 --> 00:13:13,212 Here, take a look at those. 376 00:13:13,246 --> 00:13:14,846 I've got hockey practice? 377 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,049 - Sure. - My boss is trying to contact me 378 00:13:17,083 --> 00:13:19,251 about a project that could save the company. 379 00:13:19,285 --> 00:13:20,219 - Mm-hmm. - Schmidt, 380 00:13:20,253 --> 00:13:21,553 these are such obvious rejections. 381 00:13:21,588 --> 00:13:22,854 I don't want to hurt their feelings. 382 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:23,922 Hurt their feel... 383 00:13:23,957 --> 00:13:25,357 Do you just walk around all day 384 00:13:25,391 --> 00:13:26,592 thinking about other people's feelings? 385 00:13:26,626 --> 00:13:27,759 Yeah. Don't you? 386 00:13:27,794 --> 00:13:29,261 No. 387 00:13:29,295 --> 00:13:30,429 How do you get anything done? 388 00:13:30,463 --> 00:13:32,364 - It's hard. - Okay, Jess, 389 00:13:32,398 --> 00:13:34,733 how can I put this? 390 00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,035 You're the prize here. 391 00:13:37,070 --> 00:13:39,104 Okay? 392 00:13:39,138 --> 00:13:41,406 You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys 393 00:13:41,441 --> 00:13:42,741 are the fat kids in the cafeteria, 394 00:13:42,775 --> 00:13:45,210 and I can say that because I used to be fat as a truck. 395 00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:46,945 You really think I'm the last piece of pie? 396 00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:49,181 Damn right you're the last piece of pie. 397 00:13:49,215 --> 00:13:51,083 You're the best girl on Dice, Jess. 398 00:13:51,117 --> 00:13:53,385 And who cares what these guys are feeling? 399 00:13:53,419 --> 00:13:55,287 You know, what do you feel? 400 00:13:55,321 --> 00:13:57,422 Jess, what do you want? 401 00:13:57,457 --> 00:13:58,590 I'm the pie. 402 00:13:58,625 --> 00:14:00,125 You're the pie. I'm the pie. 403 00:14:00,159 --> 00:14:01,527 - Say it again. - I'm the pie. 404 00:14:01,561 --> 00:14:03,028 - Say it again. - I'm the pie. 405 00:14:03,062 --> 00:14:04,730 There you go. 406 00:14:04,764 --> 00:14:05,898 Who are you? 407 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,433 Never really thought about that. 408 00:14:08,468 --> 00:14:09,535 Mmm. 409 00:14:09,569 --> 00:14:11,069 I'm not gay, 410 00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:14,439 but I would go crazy on Michael Strahan. 411 00:14:14,474 --> 00:14:18,944 A prominent U.S. senator is trying to contact me. 412 00:14:21,014 --> 00:14:23,549 You know, I just think Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch. 413 00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:26,185 An important document has gone missing. 414 00:14:26,219 --> 00:14:28,220 I need to find it. 415 00:14:29,355 --> 00:14:30,556 I've been getting into a lot 416 00:14:30,590 --> 00:14:32,024 of fist fights lately. 417 00:14:32,058 --> 00:14:33,158 Like, a lot. 418 00:14:33,193 --> 00:14:34,459 More than usual. 419 00:14:34,494 --> 00:14:35,794 But, you know, 420 00:14:35,829 --> 00:14:37,596 I'm kind of enjoying them now. 421 00:14:37,630 --> 00:14:39,798 I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy. 422 00:14:44,270 --> 00:14:45,737 Jess? 423 00:14:45,772 --> 00:14:48,106 Nope, not Jess. 424 00:14:49,108 --> 00:14:51,276 Velcro shoes, pervert. 425 00:14:52,145 --> 00:14:54,146 I didn't even see those. 426 00:14:55,548 --> 00:14:58,150 I would love for you to share... 427 00:14:58,184 --> 00:15:00,419 share... 428 00:15:00,453 --> 00:15:02,821 what you think I should do with my life. 429 00:15:05,291 --> 00:15:07,493 Am I boring you now? 430 00:15:07,527 --> 00:15:09,495 Officer, can I read you your rights? 431 00:15:10,897 --> 00:15:13,966 You have the right to remain hugged. 432 00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,334 (laughter) 433 00:15:15,368 --> 00:15:17,035 Oh, no, Coach! 434 00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:18,637 And you have the right to remain sweet. 435 00:15:18,671 --> 00:15:19,872 (laughter) 436 00:15:19,906 --> 00:15:21,807 Run! Diversion! 437 00:15:21,841 --> 00:15:23,976 Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du...? Whoa. Hold on! 438 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,178 What's with your friends, Winston Bishop? 439 00:15:26,212 --> 00:15:29,148 They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way. 440 00:15:29,182 --> 00:15:30,582 Yeah... I know. 441 00:15:31,751 --> 00:15:33,886 Wow. Last date. 442 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,621 It's a big moment. 443 00:15:35,655 --> 00:15:38,657 Oh, my God, is that who I think it is? 444 00:15:38,691 --> 00:15:40,893 I give you Dreamy Eyes Jacob. 445 00:15:40,927 --> 00:15:42,694 Happy Dice birthday, Jess. 446 00:15:42,729 --> 00:15:44,997 You're ready for this. Now, go get him. 447 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,399 Thank you, sir. 448 00:15:47,433 --> 00:15:48,867 JESS: Wait a minute. 449 00:15:48,902 --> 00:15:51,003 Are you from Portland? The Jolly Cow Creamery. 450 00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,971 Yeah, I used to work there summers in high school. 451 00:15:53,006 --> 00:15:55,240 - No way. I'm from Portland, too. - Are you serious? 452 00:15:55,275 --> 00:15:57,242 Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school. 453 00:15:57,277 --> 00:15:58,811 - Oh, my God. - That's so funny. 454 00:15:58,845 --> 00:16:00,579 (laughter) 455 00:16:02,415 --> 00:16:04,149 Yeah, I hope you like this place. 456 00:16:04,184 --> 00:16:06,084 I live, like, right across the street, so... 457 00:16:08,555 --> 00:16:10,923 Oh. (clears throat) I get it. 458 00:16:10,957 --> 00:16:13,392 You asked me here because 459 00:16:13,426 --> 00:16:15,661 -you want me to go home with you. - Wait. What? 460 00:16:15,695 --> 00:16:17,329 No. Um, you know what? I got to go. 461 00:16:17,363 --> 00:16:18,831 I have hockey practice. 462 00:16:18,865 --> 00:16:20,732 I'm center wing, so they really need me. I... Wow. 463 00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:23,101 Okay, I just live across the street. 464 00:16:23,136 --> 00:16:26,572 I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. 465 00:16:26,606 --> 00:16:28,373 I thought we were kind of hitting it off. 466 00:16:28,408 --> 00:16:30,742 Guess you just make a snap decision, 467 00:16:30,777 --> 00:16:32,444 and then that's it, so... 468 00:16:32,479 --> 00:16:34,713 All right, well, have a good practice. 469 00:16:34,748 --> 00:16:39,251 And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey. 470 00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:44,556 The Dice Diez! 471 00:16:44,591 --> 00:16:45,691 You did it! 472 00:16:46,726 --> 00:16:48,393 This thing is on! 473 00:16:48,428 --> 00:16:50,095 How do you open it? 474 00:16:50,130 --> 00:16:52,765 Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne. 475 00:16:52,799 --> 00:16:54,933 Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing. 476 00:16:54,968 --> 00:16:56,401 That is delightful. 477 00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:02,435 We're celebrating... Me and you. Jess, you can have whatever 478 00:17:02,469 --> 00:17:04,604 you want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, 479 00:17:04,638 --> 00:17:06,372 Tikka Masala. 480 00:17:07,166 --> 00:17:09,134 A raw bar. This place is doing too much. 481 00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:11,537 They can't be doing all this right. What's wrong with you? 482 00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:13,071 I just don't understand how 483 00:17:13,106 --> 00:17:15,340 what we did today is gonna help me find love. 484 00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:17,009 Love? 485 00:17:17,043 --> 00:17:18,410 Well, why would you want to fall in love? 486 00:17:18,444 --> 00:17:20,178 Why else would I go on dates? 487 00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:22,915 The point of dating is just to keep on dating, 488 00:17:22,949 --> 00:17:24,816 and then never stop. 489 00:17:24,851 --> 00:17:26,919 It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. 490 00:17:26,953 --> 00:17:29,221 No. Schmidt, the whole point 491 00:17:29,255 --> 00:17:32,824 of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. 492 00:17:32,859 --> 00:17:35,561 Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? 493 00:17:35,595 --> 00:17:38,697 I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, 494 00:17:38,731 --> 00:17:42,501 and some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. 495 00:17:42,535 --> 00:17:44,970 Do you want to go through life that way? 496 00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,440 Yeah. 497 00:17:48,474 --> 00:17:51,109 I don't. 498 00:17:56,983 --> 00:17:59,451 Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um... 499 00:17:59,485 --> 00:18:01,420 the rock shrimp meatballs. 500 00:18:01,454 --> 00:18:03,288 What is this place? 501 00:18:03,323 --> 00:18:04,857 (shushing) 502 00:18:04,891 --> 00:18:07,593 I think my life is going nowhere. 503 00:18:07,627 --> 00:18:09,094 Oh. Mmm. 504 00:18:09,128 --> 00:18:11,263 No, Cece. It's wonderful here. 505 00:18:11,297 --> 00:18:12,564 Do you like to learn? 506 00:18:12,599 --> 00:18:14,032 I do. 507 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:15,601 I see you going back to school. 508 00:18:15,635 --> 00:18:18,704 - I see it, too. - Yes, yes. 509 00:18:18,738 --> 00:18:20,739 - I don't see it. - Yes. 510 00:18:20,773 --> 00:18:23,208 She's a bartender. Why would she get paid for it? 511 00:18:23,243 --> 00:18:26,478 (Cece and Coach hum "Pomp and Circumstance") - She's not very good at it. 512 00:18:26,513 --> 00:18:28,580 (all humming "Pomp and Circumstance") 513 00:18:28,615 --> 00:18:30,616 (beatboxing) 514 00:18:32,919 --> 00:18:33,819 - On the floor! - Shut up! 515 00:18:33,853 --> 00:18:37,789 (yelling, overlapping chatter) 516 00:18:37,824 --> 00:18:39,625 - (shouting and yelling) - CECE: Get the dog! 517 00:18:39,659 --> 00:18:42,394 - Get down on the ground! - Yeah, and stay down! 518 00:18:42,428 --> 00:18:44,263 - (indistinct, overlapping chatter) - CECE: I'm a student! 519 00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:46,131 - Both of you, butts up. - I'm trying. 520 00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,432 I'm trying. 521 00:18:47,467 --> 00:18:51,804 (laughter) 522 00:18:51,838 --> 00:18:53,405 See, I see you guys were high, 523 00:18:53,439 --> 00:18:56,441 so I got these guys to come and mess with you. 524 00:18:56,476 --> 00:18:58,510 (laughter) 525 00:18:58,545 --> 00:19:00,112 Let's go, man. 526 00:19:00,146 --> 00:19:02,347 Let's never do drugs again. 527 00:19:02,382 --> 00:19:04,516 That was a lot of fun... Toilet. 528 00:19:04,551 --> 00:19:06,752 "Toilet." Is that... is that my nickname? 529 00:19:06,786 --> 00:19:08,353 DUGAN: Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, 530 00:19:08,388 --> 00:19:11,323 - you got to put up with a lot of crap. - Lot of crap. (laughs) 531 00:19:11,357 --> 00:19:12,324 DUGAN: Let's get a beer. 532 00:19:12,358 --> 00:19:15,928 Thank you very much. 533 00:19:15,962 --> 00:19:17,930 Flush, flush, what's the rush? 534 00:19:17,964 --> 00:19:19,264 Toilet's coming! 535 00:19:19,299 --> 00:19:20,766 You guys want to go back in? 536 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,367 - Yeah. - Yeah. 537 00:19:23,403 --> 00:19:25,604 - Thanks for coming back. - Sure. 538 00:19:25,638 --> 00:19:27,806 Look, I'm... I'm really sorry. 539 00:19:27,841 --> 00:19:30,209 Um, I was... I don't know where to begin. 540 00:19:30,243 --> 00:19:32,377 Uh, my roommate taught me all of these 541 00:19:32,412 --> 00:19:34,379 phony excuses to get out of dates. 542 00:19:34,414 --> 00:19:37,649 Well, anyway, that is not me. 543 00:19:37,684 --> 00:19:39,718 - Okay. - So... 544 00:19:39,752 --> 00:19:41,854 will you give me another chance to get to know you? 545 00:19:41,888 --> 00:19:43,355 Yeah. 546 00:19:43,389 --> 00:19:44,790 Let's go back in and get a drink. 547 00:19:44,824 --> 00:19:46,291 Yes. Great. 548 00:19:46,326 --> 00:19:49,895 Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. 549 00:19:49,929 --> 00:19:53,132 Like... this coin. 550 00:19:58,938 --> 00:20:00,606 (laughing): Oh. 551 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,374 You're a magician. 552 00:20:02,408 --> 00:20:04,042 No. Ugh. No. 553 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,044 I'm a comedy magician. 554 00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,580 Even better. 555 00:20:08,615 --> 00:20:10,582 And, like a lot of people in comedy, 556 00:20:10,617 --> 00:20:13,886 I have a little problem with, uh... Nose candy. 557 00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,721 Uh-oh. 558 00:20:18,324 --> 00:20:19,992 Can't have this. It's my last one. 559 00:20:20,026 --> 00:20:21,026 (laughing): No... 560 00:20:21,060 --> 00:20:22,060 I'm kidding. Take it. 561 00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:23,195 - I don't want it. - Please take it. 562 00:20:23,229 --> 00:20:24,196 No, you take it. 563 00:20:24,230 --> 00:20:25,998 Okay. Let's go in. 564 00:20:27,901 --> 00:20:29,768 (quietly): Schmidt? 565 00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:32,638 I totally didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. 566 00:20:32,672 --> 00:20:34,940 Well, you know, I just figured, 567 00:20:34,974 --> 00:20:36,675 why not see if there's something here? 568 00:20:36,709 --> 00:20:38,877 You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. 569 00:20:38,912 --> 00:20:40,846 There's a coffee place down the street. 570 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,450 Maybe we could go... Grab a cup of joe. 571 00:20:45,552 --> 00:20:47,553 I don't think you understand Dice. 572 00:20:48,922 --> 00:20:50,422 Okay. 573 00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:52,391 (door closes) 574 00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,359 SCHMIDT: Jessica! 575 00:20:55,628 --> 00:20:57,696 I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, 576 00:20:57,731 --> 00:20:59,031 and these are stuck. 577 00:20:59,065 --> 00:21:00,432 (Jacob giggles) 578 00:21:03,065 --> 00:21:04,565 Now the rings are free, 579 00:21:04,599 --> 00:21:06,834 but the groom is imprisoned forever. 580 00:21:07,969 --> 00:21:10,037 - I know how he feels. - You know what they say. 581 00:21:10,072 --> 00:21:12,506 You got to crack a few eggs to, uh... 582 00:21:12,541 --> 00:21:14,208 make an Amish. 583 00:21:15,477 --> 00:21:16,744 It's an egg. 584 00:21:16,778 --> 00:21:18,446 It's an Amish person. 585 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,748 My uncle is on fire. 586 00:21:20,782 --> 00:21:23,184 So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, 587 00:21:23,218 --> 00:21:26,921 but have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? 588 00:21:28,090 --> 00:21:29,357 No, no! 589 00:21:29,391 --> 00:21:31,359 Oh, my... Okay, this date is over.