1 00:00:02,810 --> 00:00:05,810 Hey, look who it is! It's Schmidt. And... 2 00:00:05,810 --> 00:00:07,110 This is Barb. Barb is leaving. 3 00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:08,310 Oh, Barb. Like the elephant. 4 00:00:08,340 --> 00:00:10,580 That's Babar, you dum-dum. 5 00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:13,580 Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? 6 00:00:13,610 --> 00:00:14,680 Since I know sleeping wasn't 7 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,320 the main activity of the night. 8 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,750 Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. 9 00:00:18,790 --> 00:00:20,990 You're just so loud! (chuckles) 10 00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:23,690 - You have a lot of roommates. - So many of 'em. That's great. 11 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,090 - Bye, Barb. - Bye, Barb. 12 00:00:25,130 --> 00:00:26,330 - Bye, Schmidt. - (door shuts) 13 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,160 That was the third piece of nanny 14 00:00:28,190 --> 00:00:30,360 - this week, am I right? - Sure is. 15 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,500 Little shop talk from someone who's also out there 16 00:00:32,530 --> 00:00:34,930 trying to crush butt herself. 17 00:00:34,970 --> 00:00:36,270 Um, where are you meeting all 18 00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,970 these eligible singles, these, uh, elly-sings? 19 00:00:39,010 --> 00:00:40,510 - Dice. - Hmm? 20 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:42,640 It's kind of like Tinder. Dice and Tinder. 21 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,110 I've been to those bars. They're downtown, right? 22 00:00:44,140 --> 00:00:46,180 - (groans) - Dice is a dating app. 23 00:00:46,210 --> 00:00:47,950 - Dating app. What? - It's not for you. 24 00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:50,150 Schmidty. 25 00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,220 Come on. I've Internet dated before. 26 00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:55,490 You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back. 27 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,960 - You are just describing e-mailing. - Come on. 28 00:00:57,990 --> 00:00:59,280 You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice. 29 00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:00,560 - Do you want to see... - Come on, now. 30 00:01:00,590 --> 00:01:03,130 Do you want to see... This is Dice. Come here. 31 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,060 It's all about split-second decisions, okay? 32 00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:06,630 You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, 33 00:01:06,670 --> 00:01:08,130 - you swipe up for no. - JESS: You're so fast. 34 00:01:08,170 --> 00:01:09,230 Instinct. That's what it's about. 35 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,070 Which you don't have. 36 00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:14,510 Now, I'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. 37 00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,510 Don't go on Dice, Jess. 38 00:01:16,540 --> 00:01:18,040 I won't. 39 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:23,820 Okay, now. 40 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:26,190 New account. 41 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:29,590 I am... Darn tootin' fun. 42 00:01:29,620 --> 00:01:31,590 DTF. 43 00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:34,260 Seeks same. 44 00:01:34,290 --> 00:01:36,730 I'm Dicing. 45 00:01:46,230 --> 00:01:47,800 WINSTON: You know, I'm really enjoying the police academy, 46 00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:49,230 but, believe it or not, 47 00:01:49,330 --> 00:01:51,470 I am not clicking socially with the other cadets. 48 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:52,600 - What? Weird. - Oh, my God. 49 00:01:52,630 --> 00:01:54,440 No. That's crazy. 50 00:01:54,470 --> 00:01:56,370 - That is super shocking news. - I can't wrap my head around that. 51 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,240 - That just doesn't add up. - Everyone's got a nickname but me. 52 00:01:58,270 --> 00:02:01,080 Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner? (chuckles) 53 00:02:01,110 --> 00:02:03,140 Hey, Winston Bishop. 54 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:04,480 Why don't you just go ask them 55 00:02:04,510 --> 00:02:05,950 if you can hang out with them sometime? 56 00:02:05,980 --> 00:02:07,380 I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 57 00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:09,780 Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. 58 00:02:09,820 --> 00:02:12,620 Winnie the Bish wasn't raised to be rude. 59 00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:15,260 Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca. 60 00:02:15,290 --> 00:02:17,890 I can't believe we're gonna live with a cop. 61 00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,660 I mean, can we still do illegal things? Like, I don't know, 62 00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,400 what if I want to get stoned or something? 63 00:02:22,430 --> 00:02:23,730 I've actually never gotten stoned before. 64 00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:25,670 - You've never been stoned? - What? 65 00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:27,000 Should I do it before he becomes a cop? 66 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,440 - We could do this. - Really? 67 00:02:28,470 --> 00:02:30,300 We're adults. We can smoke a little weed. 68 00:02:30,340 --> 00:02:31,910 - I think we should do it. - It's been a while. 69 00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:33,340 I pick up stuff really quick. 70 00:02:33,380 --> 00:02:35,340 You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. 71 00:02:35,380 --> 00:02:37,680 Like everything else in life, it takes practice. 72 00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:40,250 Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine year old Chinese girl. 73 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,450 Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. 74 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,250 I'll be your spiritual guru. 75 00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:45,890 And Mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, 76 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,320 so I'm gonna bake some damn brownies 77 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:48,590 so we can all freak out. 78 00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:51,030 - Let's do it. - We're getting stoned? 79 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,190 This is like watching a meeting of idiot 12 year olds. 80 00:02:53,230 --> 00:02:55,330 - The hell is that? What is that noise? - (ringtone playing) 81 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:56,800 Your cellular technology. 82 00:02:56,830 --> 00:03:00,200 I haven't gotten a non text message in two years. 83 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,840 Jess? 84 00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:04,840 Hey, uh... So, I Diced 85 00:03:04,870 --> 00:03:07,480 and it was great. Um, 86 00:03:07,510 --> 00:03:10,640 but could I get a ride? 87 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,210 You sure you don't want to hop on for a second? 88 00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:19,150 Do you have a dog, or is this all you? 89 00:03:19,190 --> 00:03:20,720 Which would you prefer? 90 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,490 (barks) 91 00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:26,760 Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? 92 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,100 He looked nice in his picture. 93 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,200 The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, 94 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,300 so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail? 95 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,470 - Mmm. - He asked me 96 00:03:37,510 --> 00:03:39,310 to the food court near his house. 97 00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,580 I thought that was down to earth, and I liked that. 98 00:03:41,610 --> 00:03:43,040 He didn't bring any money, 99 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,210 so we had to go back to his apartment. 100 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:48,720 And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. 101 00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:50,620 (groans) 102 00:03:51,890 --> 00:03:53,590 Maybe I'm not ready for Dice. 103 00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:55,560 Will you just help me, please? 104 00:03:55,590 --> 00:03:57,930 I want to get back out there. I have to... 105 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,890 I need to get back out there. 106 00:03:59,930 --> 00:04:01,030 And I know I'm gullible. 107 00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:02,230 'Cause people tell me that, 108 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:04,200 and I have no reason not to believe them. 109 00:04:05,530 --> 00:04:07,540 Teach me to Dice. 110 00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:14,440 - Is that a yes? - (mutters) 111 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,240 Schmidt? 112 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,280 What's happening? 113 00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:22,520 Ah! What the hell? 114 00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:24,950 I will teach you Dice. 115 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,740 Welcome and... 116 00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:37,740 good morning. 117 00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:40,040 - It's weird here in the morning. - It is very sad. 118 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,710 Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, 119 00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,650 your notions of dating will be challenged. 120 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,780 - Jess, just listen. No notes. - I'm sorry. 121 00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:47,380 You put notebooks and pens on the table, 122 00:04:47,410 --> 00:04:48,750 - so I thought... - I totally get it. 123 00:04:48,790 --> 00:04:50,890 Look, Jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water? 124 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,320 - Oh, thank you. - Of course. 125 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,360 - That's really nice of... - Never show weakness. 126 00:04:54,390 --> 00:04:57,760 Write that down. Now, you're on Dice 127 00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,660 and this hunk shows up. 128 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,100 Hubba hubba, mama in trubba. 129 00:05:02,130 --> 00:05:03,000 Don't ever do that again. 130 00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:04,370 Okay. So you find 131 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,040 this man. He looks like a Hemsworth, 132 00:05:06,070 --> 00:05:07,270 if you will. 133 00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:09,210 He swipes down, you swipe down, 134 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,210 you guys set a date. I show up. 135 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,010 Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele. 136 00:05:14,050 --> 00:05:15,710 - Hi, Jack. - (buzzing) 137 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:18,750 - Wrong. - Is that our Taboo buzzer? 138 00:05:18,780 --> 00:05:20,580 - Not important. Why did I buzz? - Do you think you could 139 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,290 just return it to the box when you're done? 140 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,860 The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person. 141 00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,620 Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. 142 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,360 I am a rugged Semitic prince. 143 00:05:28,390 --> 00:05:30,560 - I thought we were role playing. - Role playing? 144 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,030 What about this feels like a game to you? 145 00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,900 - (buzzing) - (phone chimes) 146 00:05:34,930 --> 00:05:37,270 Ooh, I got a Dice match. 147 00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:38,270 Jacob. 148 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,700 He has dreamy eyes. 149 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,370 - Them's joint bank account eyes. - Okay, 150 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,270 if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, 151 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:47,080 we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. 152 00:05:47,110 --> 00:05:49,880 Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically. 153 00:05:49,910 --> 00:05:51,210 Well, I have a good feeling about this guy. 154 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,120 - Okay. - I'm gonna ask him out. 155 00:05:52,150 --> 00:05:53,420 Hey. 156 00:05:53,450 --> 00:05:54,920 You're not ready yet. 157 00:05:56,650 --> 00:05:59,060 I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. 158 00:05:59,090 --> 00:06:00,660 I'm sure you have the protection plan. 159 00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:02,160 - I do have the... - (buzzing) 160 00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:04,830 Never get the protection plan! 161 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:06,800 NICK: The oceans are very wild. 162 00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:09,430 No man or piece of scientific technology 163 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,770 has ever been to the bottom of the ocean. 164 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,940 - Titanic did. - Uh, Titanic sunk down there, 165 00:06:13,970 --> 00:06:15,340 but that's not to the bottom. 166 00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:17,110 No, the man who made Titanic did. 167 00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:19,510 I don't know what Manhoo is, but... 168 00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:21,110 You guys seem a lot higher than me. 169 00:06:21,150 --> 00:06:23,450 Well, it hits everybody at different times, Hoss. 170 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,180 But it's coming for you. 171 00:06:25,220 --> 00:06:27,020 My people! (chuckles) 172 00:06:27,050 --> 00:06:29,290 Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. 173 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,690 I took Cece's advice and decided to invite myself 174 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,860 to hang out with some of the other guys, 175 00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:36,030 and I think y'all should roll with. 176 00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:37,630 Make me look cooler. 177 00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:40,360 I'll totally go to a party on your butt. 178 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,200 What? 179 00:06:41,230 --> 00:06:43,200 - (laughing) - No. No. 180 00:06:43,230 --> 00:06:45,800 Now, that is a humorous image. 181 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,940 What? 182 00:06:48,970 --> 00:06:51,010 - But, seriously, you have to go. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 183 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,480 Know-know what? We're gonna go. 184 00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:53,540 We're gonna go. 185 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,380 Okay. We're gonna go. 186 00:06:55,410 --> 00:06:57,380 We're gonna go. We're gonna go. 187 00:06:57,420 --> 00:06:58,880 - You're gonna go? - Hey, we're gonna go. 188 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,380 We're gonna go. 189 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,950 - We're gonna go. - Right on, right on. 190 00:07:01,990 --> 00:07:03,720 Well, then we'll go. 191 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,220 (chuckling): Yeah. 192 00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:06,620 You guys are way too messed up to be going. 193 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,860 You're not an expert. I am. 194 00:07:08,890 --> 00:07:10,190 Nobody knows we're stoned. 195 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,560 If we didn't go, then they would know. 196 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:12,800 You're saying that be... 197 00:07:12,830 --> 00:07:14,360 if we don't go to the party, 198 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:15,730 they're gonna think that we're high. 199 00:07:15,770 --> 00:07:17,900 Oh, the guy who's never done weed. 200 00:07:17,940 --> 00:07:19,740 That's not the proper term. It's "smoked weed." 201 00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:21,410 You don't "do weed." That's a test. 202 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,140 You said it. Listen to me, 203 00:07:23,170 --> 00:07:25,740 first order of business, we eat their food. 204 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:27,660 - Okay. - Then you look at the pool. 205 00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:29,180 "Aw, what a great pool. 206 00:07:29,210 --> 00:07:33,150 I wish... I wish I could dive for rings." 207 00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:36,690 Because if you were stoned, you wouldn't dive for rings. 208 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:40,020 Um, I was just thinking of this impression. 209 00:07:41,590 --> 00:07:42,890 Who am I doing? 210 00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:47,460 - Who am I doing? - Al Pacino? 211 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,570 Maybe. So, then, 212 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,900 you get home, you eat some pizza... 213 00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:55,440 Trust me. I just thought of every single possibility 214 00:07:55,470 --> 00:07:58,140 of what could happen at that party, and none of them are bad. 215 00:07:58,180 --> 00:08:00,280 Ooh. Wow. 216 00:08:00,310 --> 00:08:03,810 This is a big party. I'm talking wall-to-wall cops. 217 00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,680 Man. 218 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,920 Oh, I did not think this through. 219 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,460 (giggling) 220 00:08:14,490 --> 00:08:18,000 It just hit me. 221 00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:19,630 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, 222 00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:21,000 hey, hey, hey, hey. 223 00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:23,430 And that is why... No matter how tricked out it is... 224 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,100 You never get into a van. 225 00:08:25,140 --> 00:08:27,470 - "...van." - Okay, moving on. 226 00:08:27,510 --> 00:08:28,670 Classic warning signs. 227 00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:30,070 Now, last night, the crazy man 228 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,010 said he needed to meet you near his house. 229 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,680 What he was really saying was, 230 00:08:33,710 --> 00:08:35,450 "I expect tonight to end in sex." 231 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,180 Or maybe he doesn't like to be far from his pets. 232 00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,350 Never date a man with pets. The only acceptable pet 233 00:08:40,390 --> 00:08:43,790 for a man to have is a saltwater fish. Okay, what now? 234 00:08:43,820 --> 00:08:45,590 Okay, first test. Now, I'm gonna say something, 235 00:08:45,620 --> 00:08:48,230 and you tell me what's really being said. 236 00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:50,660 Oh, you know, I'm just staying in a hotel right now. 237 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:52,200 "I like to travel." 238 00:08:52,230 --> 00:08:54,600 - (buzzing) - Homeless. Pervert. 239 00:08:54,630 --> 00:08:57,770 Oh, my God, my mom is just the most amazing woman. 240 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,170 Oh. "I love my mother." 241 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,470 (buzzing) 242 00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:03,040 Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. 243 00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:05,680 I kind of prefer public transportation. 244 00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:07,210 Oh. Earth-conscious. 245 00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:09,150 - (buzzing) - Multiple DUIs. 246 00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:10,210 (buzzing) 247 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,050 Pervert. 248 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,550 Okay, time for the next phase. 249 00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:14,950 - Next phase? - Jess? 250 00:09:14,990 --> 00:09:17,860 - Hi. I'm Malcolm. From Dice? - Oh... 251 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,490 Oh. 252 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:21,490 - Hi. - Hey. 253 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:23,330 She'll be with you in just a minute. 254 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,060 Okay. 255 00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,160 You set me up on a date? I'm wearing my 256 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,370 lounge-around underwear. I set you up on ten dates. 257 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,030 - What? - Ten years of experience in one day. 258 00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,200 Expert by midnight. 259 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,700 The Dice Diez. 260 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,070 "Diez" is Spanish for ten. 261 00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:37,070 Are you insane, Schmidt? I'm not ready. 262 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,480 That's like taking a musical from rehearsals 263 00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,850 straight to Broadway. You got to workshop it first... 264 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,310 If you are for one second suggesting 265 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,750 that I don't know how to open a musical... 266 00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:46,750 How dare you? I'm trying to help you out here. 267 00:09:46,780 --> 00:09:49,050 Now, of course you're not ready, Jess. 268 00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:51,520 That's why I set up ten dates. 269 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,320 Now, you can do this. Come on. 270 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,530 All right. 271 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:56,530 So... 272 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:57,830 - So. - Date talk. 273 00:09:57,860 --> 00:09:59,760 Okay. (chuckles) What do you do? 274 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,330 Um, well, I don't have a job, currently, right now, 275 00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,670 in the traditional "nine to five" sense, 276 00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:07,170 but, uh, I got a lot cooking. 277 00:10:07,210 --> 00:10:10,710 I "grow" "raisins." 278 00:10:13,210 --> 00:10:15,450 I'm sorry, Malcolm, um, 279 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,480 I'm gonna have to... 280 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:19,650 (whispering): Get out of there. 281 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,620 let you finish that story. 282 00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:24,760 Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. 283 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,520 There's the Leopold raisin, 284 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,190 - which is from Austria. - Mm-hmm. 285 00:10:28,230 --> 00:10:30,290 And then there's the Zwiebel raisin, 286 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,530 which is also from Austria. 287 00:10:35,030 --> 00:10:36,090 But I think the main thing 288 00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:37,490 that got me through my time in prison 289 00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:39,160 was the realization 290 00:10:39,190 --> 00:10:40,860 that a "raisin" can be anything. 291 00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:42,200 We got to go! 292 00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:44,000 (in Southern accent): Ma called. The bees are back. 293 00:10:44,030 --> 00:10:45,370 Ma called. The bees are back. 294 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,000 Oh, okay. Um... 295 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,800 Should I just... Should I wait for you? 296 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,870 You know that was a bad date, right? 297 00:10:50,910 --> 00:10:52,970 I know, but I just felt so trapped. 298 00:10:53,010 --> 00:10:55,510 Just do what I did, make up an excuse and then leave. 299 00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:57,710 Just, just say as little as you need to, okay? 300 00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,780 Make it your own. 301 00:10:58,810 --> 00:10:59,880 You ready? Yeah. 302 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,180 - You can do this. - Okay. 303 00:11:01,220 --> 00:11:02,520 You have so much hair. What? 304 00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:03,580 Where did all that hair come from? 305 00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:04,650 You're like a lioness. 306 00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:06,290 So, did you know you could put 307 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,460 a whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it 308 00:11:08,490 --> 00:11:11,430 without plucking it or preparing it at all? 309 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,430 (whispering): Keep it simple. 310 00:11:14,460 --> 00:11:15,530 Uh, let's keep it simple. 311 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:16,730 You're a nice guy, 312 00:11:16,770 --> 00:11:18,230 and that's a neat outfit. 313 00:11:18,270 --> 00:11:20,100 Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? 314 00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:21,170 Are... Do you work on... 315 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,600 - on a submarine? - Shh. 316 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:23,700 No! No! 317 00:11:23,740 --> 00:11:24,910 Oh. Stand down, 318 00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:26,140 - sir! - We found your son. 319 00:11:26,170 --> 00:11:27,210 He's alive. 320 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,080 They found my son; he's alive. 321 00:11:29,110 --> 00:11:31,350 I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you. 322 00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:32,850 WINSTON: All right, now, remember, 323 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:33,980 y'all are my dogs, okay? 324 00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:35,220 So just stay by my side 325 00:11:35,250 --> 00:11:36,620 and make me look cool. 326 00:11:36,650 --> 00:11:39,320 If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark. 327 00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:41,860 (laughs) I want to see those tails wagging out there, okay? 328 00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:43,720 Oh, okay, look. 329 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,090 Look, there's Dugan. There's Dugan. 330 00:11:45,130 --> 00:11:47,960 That's the guy I was telling you about. Come on. 331 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,000 Over there is better. 332 00:11:50,030 --> 00:11:51,070 All right. 333 00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:53,200 - What? - Whatever the hell that means. 334 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,300 Is there a cop in the house? (laughs) 335 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,910 I feel really calm. Really relaxed. 336 00:11:57,940 --> 00:12:00,010 - Oh, look, a hummingbird. - What the hell are you talking about? 337 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:01,880 There's no such thing as a hummingbird. 338 00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:03,510 Birds don't hum. 339 00:12:03,550 --> 00:12:04,680 They sing. 340 00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:06,310 They basically invented singing. 341 00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:08,020 You're so high right now, man. 342 00:12:08,050 --> 00:12:10,320 You're so high, I couldn't possibly even bring you back. 343 00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:12,350 Actually, dude, I feel really good. 344 00:12:12,390 --> 00:12:13,920 Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, 345 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,420 you look like an insane person. 346 00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:19,030 Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. 347 00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:20,460 Say something. 348 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,000 Hello, Nick. 349 00:12:22,030 --> 00:12:23,900 (laughs) 350 00:12:23,930 --> 00:12:26,000 That took you, like, 20 minutes. 351 00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:27,970 "Hello, Nick." 352 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,500 And now I'm a model and a bartender. 353 00:12:30,540 --> 00:12:32,110 But I... 354 00:12:32,140 --> 00:12:34,510 I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. 355 00:12:34,540 --> 00:12:36,740 I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing with my life. 356 00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:39,010 I'm so sorry. 357 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,250 What was your question again? 358 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,920 I didn't ask you anything. 359 00:12:41,950 --> 00:12:44,420 You just walked up and started talking. 360 00:12:44,450 --> 00:12:45,950 So, man, I'm in the locker room, 361 00:12:45,990 --> 00:12:47,620 and I see a spider, and I'm like, 362 00:12:47,660 --> 00:12:48,920 "I hope this is Charlotte's Web 363 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,190 and you're nice." 364 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,660 You haven't seen Charlotte's Web? 365 00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:56,130 Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon. 366 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,970 The tale about the spider who was super chill and super cool. 367 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,900 Then, well, series of events, she ended up dying. 368 00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,370 So that was sad. 369 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,470 That was sad, but spoiler alert, if you haven't seen it. 370 00:13:04,510 --> 00:13:05,840 I'm sure you... You haven't seen it. 371 00:13:05,870 --> 00:13:09,440 Where are my dogs? 372 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,850 I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, 373 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,220 because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. 374 00:13:14,250 --> 00:13:16,020 Here, take a look at those. 375 00:13:16,050 --> 00:13:17,650 I've got hockey practice? 376 00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:19,850 - Sure. - My boss is trying to contact me 377 00:13:19,890 --> 00:13:22,060 about a project that could save the company. 378 00:13:22,090 --> 00:13:23,020 - Mm-hmm. - Schmidt, 379 00:13:23,060 --> 00:13:24,360 these are such obvious rejections. 380 00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,660 I don't want to hurt their feelings. 381 00:13:25,690 --> 00:13:26,730 Hurt their feel... 382 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,160 Do you just walk around all day 383 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,400 thinking about other people's feelings? 384 00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:30,560 Yeah. Don't you? 385 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,070 No. 386 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:33,230 How do you get anything done? 387 00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:35,170 - It's hard. - Okay, Jess, 388 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,540 how can I put this? 389 00:13:37,570 --> 00:13:39,840 You're the prize here. 390 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:41,910 Okay? 391 00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:44,210 You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys 392 00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:45,550 are the fat kids in the cafeteria, 393 00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:48,020 and I can say that because I used to be fat as a truck. 394 00:13:48,050 --> 00:13:49,750 You really think I'm the last piece of pie? 395 00:13:49,790 --> 00:13:51,990 Damn right you're the last piece of pie. 396 00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:53,890 You're the best girl on Dice, Jess. 397 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,190 And who cares what these guys are feeling? 398 00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:58,090 You know, what do you feel? 399 00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,230 Jess, what do you want? 400 00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:01,400 I'm the pie. 401 00:14:01,430 --> 00:14:02,930 You're the pie. I'm the pie. 402 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,330 - Say it again. - I'm the pie. 403 00:14:04,370 --> 00:14:05,830 - Say it again. - I'm the pie. 404 00:14:05,870 --> 00:14:07,540 There you go. 405 00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:08,700 Who are you? 406 00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:11,240 Never really thought about that. 407 00:14:11,270 --> 00:14:12,340 Mmm. 408 00:14:12,370 --> 00:14:13,870 I'm not gay, 409 00:14:13,910 --> 00:14:17,240 but I would go crazy on Michael Strahan. 410 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,750 A prominent U.S. senator is trying to contact me. 411 00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:26,350 You know, I just think Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch. 412 00:14:26,390 --> 00:14:28,990 An important document has gone missing. 413 00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:31,030 I need to find it. 414 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,360 I've been getting into a lot 415 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:34,830 of fist fights lately. 416 00:14:34,860 --> 00:14:35,960 Like, a lot. 417 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,260 More than usual. 418 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,600 But, you know, 419 00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:40,400 I'm kind of enjoying them now. 420 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,600 I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy. 421 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,540 Jess? 422 00:14:48,580 --> 00:14:50,910 Nope, not Jess. 423 00:14:51,910 --> 00:14:54,080 Velcro shoes, pervert. 424 00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:56,950 I didn't even see those. 425 00:14:58,350 --> 00:15:00,960 I would love for you to share... 426 00:15:00,990 --> 00:15:03,220 share... 427 00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:05,630 what you think I should do with my life. 428 00:15:08,100 --> 00:15:10,300 Am I boring you now? 429 00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:12,300 Officer, can I read you your rights? 430 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,770 You have the right to remain hugged. 431 00:15:16,810 --> 00:15:18,140 (laughter) 432 00:15:18,170 --> 00:15:19,840 Oh, no, Coach! 433 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,440 And you have the right to remain sweet. 434 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,680 (laughter) 435 00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:24,610 Run! Diversion! 436 00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:26,780 Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du...? Whoa. Hold on! 437 00:15:26,820 --> 00:15:28,980 What's with your friends, Winston Bishop? 438 00:15:29,020 --> 00:15:31,950 They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way. 439 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,390 Yeah... I know. 440 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,690 Wow. Last date. 441 00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:38,430 It's a big moment. 442 00:15:38,460 --> 00:15:41,460 Oh, my God, is that who I think it is? 443 00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,700 I give you Dreamy Eyes Jacob. 444 00:15:43,730 --> 00:15:45,500 Happy Dice birthday, Jess. 445 00:15:45,530 --> 00:15:47,800 You're ready for this. Now, go get him. 446 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,200 Thank you, sir. 447 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,670 JESS: Wait a minute. 448 00:15:51,710 --> 00:15:53,810 Are you from Portland? The Jolly Cow Creamery. 449 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,780 Yeah, I used to work there summers in high school. 450 00:15:55,810 --> 00:15:58,050 - No way. I'm from Portland, too. - Are you serious? 451 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:00,050 Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school. 452 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:01,620 - Oh, my God. - That's so funny. 453 00:16:01,650 --> 00:16:03,380 (laughter) 454 00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:06,950 Yeah, I hope you like this place. 455 00:16:06,990 --> 00:16:08,890 I live, like, right across the street, so... 456 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,730 Oh. (clears throat) I get it. 457 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,200 You asked me here because 458 00:16:16,230 --> 00:16:18,470 -you want me to go home with you. - Wait. What? 459 00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,130 No. Um, you know what? I got to go. 460 00:16:20,170 --> 00:16:21,640 I have hockey practice. 461 00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:23,540 I'm center wing, so they really need me. I... Wow. 462 00:16:23,570 --> 00:16:25,910 Okay, I just live across the street. 463 00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:29,380 I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. 464 00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:31,180 I thought we were kind of hitting it off. 465 00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:33,550 Guess you just make a snap decision, 466 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,250 and then that's it, so... 467 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,520 All right, well, have a good practice. 468 00:16:37,550 --> 00:16:42,060 And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey. 469 00:16:45,890 --> 00:16:47,360 The Dice Diez! 470 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:48,500 You did it! 471 00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:51,200 This thing is on! 472 00:16:51,230 --> 00:16:52,900 How do you open it? 473 00:16:52,940 --> 00:16:55,570 Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne. 474 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,740 Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing. 475 00:16:57,770 --> 00:16:59,210 That is delightful. 476 00:17:03,770 --> 00:17:06,540 We're celebrating... Me and you. Jess, you can have whatever 477 00:17:06,570 --> 00:17:08,710 you want on the menu. They got pizza, gelato, 478 00:17:08,740 --> 00:17:10,480 Tikka Masala. 479 00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:13,240 A raw bar. This place is doing too much. 480 00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:15,640 They can't be doing all this right. What's wrong with you? 481 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,180 I just don't understand how 482 00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,450 what we did today is gonna help me find love. 483 00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,110 Love? 484 00:17:21,150 --> 00:17:22,520 Well, why would you want to fall in love? 485 00:17:22,550 --> 00:17:24,280 Why else would I go on dates? 486 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:27,020 The point of dating is just to keep on dating, 487 00:17:27,050 --> 00:17:28,920 and then never stop. 488 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,020 It's like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. 489 00:17:31,060 --> 00:17:33,330 No. Schmidt, the whole point 490 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,930 of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. 491 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:39,670 Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? 492 00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:42,800 I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, 493 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,610 and some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. 494 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,080 Do you want to go through life that way? 495 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:52,550 Yeah. 496 00:17:52,580 --> 00:17:55,210 I don't. 497 00:18:01,090 --> 00:18:03,560 Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um... 498 00:18:03,590 --> 00:18:05,530 the rock shrimp meatballs. 499 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,390 What is this place? 500 00:18:07,430 --> 00:18:08,960 (shushing) 501 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,700 I think my life is going nowhere. 502 00:18:11,730 --> 00:18:13,200 Oh. Mmm. 503 00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:15,370 No, Cece. It's wonderful here. 504 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,670 Do you like to learn? 505 00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:18,140 I do. 506 00:18:18,170 --> 00:18:19,710 I see you going back to school. 507 00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:22,810 - I see it, too. - Yes, yes. 508 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,840 - I don't see it. - Yes. 509 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,310 She's a bartender. Why would she get paid for it? 510 00:18:27,350 --> 00:18:30,580 (Cece and Coach hum "Pomp and Circumstance") - She's not very good at it. 511 00:18:30,620 --> 00:18:32,690 (all humming "Pomp and Circumstance") 512 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,720 (beatboxing) 513 00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:37,920 - On the floor! - Shut up! 514 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:41,890 (yelling, overlapping chatter) 515 00:18:41,930 --> 00:18:43,730 - (shouting and yelling) - CECE: Get the dog! 516 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,500 - Get down on the ground! - Yeah, and stay down! 517 00:18:46,530 --> 00:18:48,370 - (indistinct, overlapping chatter) - CECE: I'm a student! 518 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:50,240 - Both of you, butts up. - I'm trying. 519 00:18:50,270 --> 00:18:51,540 I'm trying. 520 00:18:51,570 --> 00:18:55,910 (laughter) 521 00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:57,510 See, I see you guys were high, 522 00:18:57,540 --> 00:19:00,550 so I got these guys to come and mess with you. 523 00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:02,620 (laughter) 524 00:19:02,650 --> 00:19:04,220 Let's go, man. 525 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:06,450 Let's never do drugs again. 526 00:19:06,490 --> 00:19:08,620 That was a lot of fun... Toilet. 527 00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:10,860 "Toilet." Is that... is that my nickname? 528 00:19:10,890 --> 00:19:12,460 DUGAN: Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, 529 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:15,430 - you got to put up with a lot of crap. - Lot of crap. (laughs) 530 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:16,430 DUGAN: Let's get a beer. 531 00:19:16,460 --> 00:19:20,030 Thank you very much. 532 00:19:20,070 --> 00:19:22,040 Flush, flush, what's the rush? 533 00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:23,370 Toilet's coming! 534 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,870 You guys want to go back in? 535 00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:26,470 - Yeah. - Yeah. 536 00:19:27,510 --> 00:19:29,710 - Thanks for coming back. - Sure. 537 00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:31,910 Look, I'm... I'm really sorry. 538 00:19:31,950 --> 00:19:34,310 Um, I was... I don't know where to begin. 539 00:19:34,350 --> 00:19:36,480 Uh, my roommate taught me all of these 540 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,480 phony excuses to get out of dates. 541 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,750 Well, anyway, that is not me. 542 00:19:41,790 --> 00:19:43,820 - Okay. - So... 543 00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:45,960 will you give me another chance to get to know you? 544 00:19:45,990 --> 00:19:47,460 Yeah. 545 00:19:47,490 --> 00:19:48,900 Let's go back in and get a drink. 546 00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:50,400 Yes. Great. 547 00:19:50,430 --> 00:19:54,000 Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. 548 00:19:54,030 --> 00:19:57,240 Like... this coin. 549 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,710 (laughing): Oh. 550 00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:06,480 You're a magician. 551 00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:08,150 No. Ugh. No. 552 00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:10,150 I'm a comedy magician. 553 00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:12,690 Even better. 554 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,690 And, like a lot of people in comedy, 555 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,990 I have a little problem with, uh... Nose candy. 556 00:20:18,030 --> 00:20:19,830 Uh-oh. 557 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,100 Can't have this. It's my last one. 558 00:20:24,130 --> 00:20:25,130 (laughing): No... 559 00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:26,170 I'm kidding. Take it. 560 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,300 - I don't want it. - Please take it. 561 00:20:27,330 --> 00:20:28,300 No, you take it. 562 00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:30,100 Okay. Let's go in. 563 00:20:32,010 --> 00:20:33,870 (quietly): Schmidt? 564 00:20:33,910 --> 00:20:36,740 I totally didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. 565 00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:39,050 Well, you know, I just figured, 566 00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,780 why not see if there's something here? 567 00:20:40,810 --> 00:20:42,980 You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. 568 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,950 There's a coffee place down the street. 569 00:20:44,990 --> 00:20:48,560 Maybe we could go... Grab a cup of joe. 570 00:20:49,660 --> 00:20:51,660 I don't think you understand Dice. 571 00:20:53,030 --> 00:20:54,530 Okay. 572 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,500 (door closes) 573 00:20:56,530 --> 00:20:58,460 SCHMIDT: Jessica! 574 00:20:59,730 --> 00:21:01,800 I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, 575 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,140 and these are stuck. 576 00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:04,540 (Jacob giggles) 577 00:21:07,170 --> 00:21:08,670 Now the rings are free, 578 00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,940 but the groom is imprisoned forever. 579 00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:14,140 - I know how he feels. - You know what they say. 580 00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:16,610 You got to crack a few eggs to, uh... 581 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,310 make an Amish. 582 00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:20,850 It's an egg. 583 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,550 It's an Amish person. 584 00:21:22,590 --> 00:21:24,850 My uncle is on fire. 585 00:21:24,890 --> 00:21:27,290 So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, 586 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,030 but have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? 587 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,460 No, no! 588 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:35,460 Oh, my... Okay, this date is over.