~ Sorry I'm late. Bloody chain came off. ~ Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh!
~ What's this, musical statues? ~ Be quiet, we're trying to hear my phone.
(RATTLING)
Angela, can you just stop that, please?
(CRUNCHING)
(PHONE RINGS) That's it.
Oh, sorry, that's mine.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
~ Just answer it, Janette. ~ Oh, this sodding thing!
~ You're not trying to smash it. Use one finger and slide. ~ Let me help.
No, leave her. She has got to learn.
~ (RINGING STOPS) ~ Oh, I've missed it now.
Right, come on, Karl, you can help me search the bins.
~ How's the training going? ~ 20k this morning, Nat. Barely felt it.
I'm in better shape now than when I got married. The missus loves it.
We're like a pair of randy teenagers.
Ugh. He is humming.
How can someone stink that much and not notice?
~ You'll have to tell him. ~ Oh, seriously, Janette.
I cannot tell Paul Franks he stinks.
Oh, fine, I'll do it.
I can't stand another day of him ponging like creamy onions.
I'm armpit height to him. It makes my eyes water.
♪ One day you're gonna make it work
♪ No pay, you're gonna make it work
♪ Some day we're gonna make this work ♪
Bryony, can you not leave your boyfriend alone for two minutes?
~ He's not my boyfriend. ~ You said I was.
~ When? ~ Under the coats at crap Dawn's party.
That was you? Fine, go on then.
Right, you lot, hands in pockets.
And I don't mean cos of them. It's not a peepshow.
I need sponsoring.
I'm doing a charity bike ride to raise money for the Air Ambulance.
~ Land's End - John o'Groats? ~ Wolverhampton - Aberdovey.
~ Can I put you down a pound a mile? ~ No, that's over a hundred quid.
Let's hope you're never involved in a multi-car pile up on the M6 in need of air rescue.
Yeah, let's.
~ What are you doing? ~ Cleaning. ~ If you wanna clean, do the disabled toilet.
~ Someone's done a right Bobby Sands. ~ Ooh, smashing. I'll get the special bleach.
~ Have you checked your car? ~ My car's in for its MOT.
Karl, I've got to find it. It's got confidential work emails and... pictures on it.
~ Confidential work pictures? ~ No, not work pictures.
Sensitive pictures of...
of me and Tom that I mistakenly took on my work phone.
Oh, Trish. Why have you not deleted them? You've split up.
~ They're happy memories I'm not ready to let go of yet. ~ Can you see your...
~ face in them? ~ Amongst other things, Karl, yes.
OK, well, let's just retrace your steps.
~ So you left the flat this morning. ~ Yeah.
So, I've left the flat and I'm walking down the street.
~ What can you see? ~ There's a girl.
She's on her way to school. Her bag's too big for her.
~ Uh-huh. ~ There's some bully girls.
They're picking on her, the leader's wearing a puffa jacket.
I think you might have regressed back to childhood.
No, I got the bus with them.
~ The girl. ~ The one with the backpack? ~ No, the bully with the puffa jacket.
She fell on me when the bus went round the corner. She must have stolen my phone.
~ Call her then. She can't get away with that. ~ You are so right.
Who does she think she is?
(INDISTINCT VOICEMAIL MESSAGE)
Right, listen, you vicious little cow. Return my phone.
Because if you don't, ooh, you'd better watch your back because we know people.
Yeah, we're in a gang. And don't think I can't identify you.
You had a very distinctive puffa jacket on.
~ She got served. ~ Yes, she did.
(PHONE RINGS)
Speak, bitch.
Oh, sorry. Yes. Yes, I have lost my phone.
Thank you so much. Where are you?
That's brilliant. I'm on my way.
~ Found it. ~ Aw!
Yes!
~ Who's got it? ~ A man. He's on an industrial estate in Walsall.
OK, I haven't got a car. How would you get to Walsall in a hurry?
~ I wouldn't. ~ Oh, great. Thanks, Karl.
Can you lower the seat?
~ Well, not without a wrench. ~ Well, can you raise the handlebars then?
It's a classic racer, Trish, it's built for aerodynamics.
~ Ready? ~ Yep.
No. No, I've changed my mind. This is ridiculous. I'll just get a taxi.
~ Here. I'll give you a backie. ~ I'm not a child, Paul.
Can you... lift me off, please?
Natalie, I'm going to Walsall to get my phone.
So, deputy, you're sheriff while I'm out of town.
OK, let's hope I don't have to shoot any Indians.
Oh, God, sorry. I didn't mean...
Um, it's looking quite busy down there, Natalie.
Little tip: get on top of your appointments, don't let them get on top of you. Yeah?
I can't sign you on like this, it's against data protection.
We're in love. We don't keep anything from each other. He's even seen my secret scar.
She sat on a broken seesaw.
OK.
So it says on you're CV that you're qualified shaman.
Clairvoyant, spiritual communicator. Call it what you will. I have a very special gift.
~ It hasn't got you much work though. ~ I've recently suffered a great loss.
~ My mother passed over to the spirit realm. ~ Sorry to hear that.
~ Let's get you signed on. ~ It was beautiful, actually.
Mum's aura turned a wonderful sky-blue
and a complete sense of calm filled the entire intensive care unit.
Even the bloke with emphysema two beds up stopped wheezing.
~ Did he pass on as well? ~ No, a problem with his ventilator.
Oh, well, that's good.
~ Right - ~ That's when her spirit left her body and became one with the cosmos.
I mean, she was up against it. She fought bloody bravely
but, in the end, what finished her off was that her moon was waning.
That and massive kidney failure.
You have very tense energy. Have you thought of using crystals?
Only meth.
Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Um...
~ OK, that's you all signed on. ~ Right, well, can't hang around.
Gotta get going. Going to see a bloke in Coventry whose chakras are completely fucked.
Oh, you're kidding?
~ Karl. ~ Mm.
That bloke didn't sign his ES24.
Ohh! Well, he won't get his money then. You'll have to get him back.
I can't. He talks for England and I'm already half an hour behind.
I'll just have to do it for him.
You're the boss.
Whoever did that in the toilet is clearly very ill.
Well, if they've used it to write on the walls
we may have to consider that it was deliberate.
Probably for the best Trish got a taxi.
She'd have got all sweaty riding your bike.
Yeah, well she's gone to Walsall. It'd probably have got nicked anyway.
Yeah.
Do you worry about getting sweaty on your bike?
Because some people when they sweat they smell a bit and -
Hang about. Walsall?
Yeah. It's a factory or something.
~ You let Trish go on her own to a factory in Walsall? ~ Yeah.
~ Some bloke called, said he'd got her phone. ~ You let her go on her own
to meet a complete stranger in a factory in Walsall?
I've sent her into a nest of vipers.
And by vipers I mean factory workers from the Black Country.
(CAR HORN BLARES) Oi, watch it, knobhead.
I need to book some holiday.
You know how to do that, don't you? You're deputy manager.
Yes, I can do that.
Go on then.
~ Are you going anywhere nice? ~ Specialist hotel in the Lake District.
Great. Does it do activities, watersports?
I certainly hope so.
Is it me or is this computer really slow?
It's you. Put me down for the last week in June when you've worked it out.
~ She hates me. ~ She hates everyone.
Sorry, Natalie, I'd just got to the train station
and my spirit guide reminded me I'd forgotton to sign my form.
~ Pardon? ~ I didn't sign my form to get my benefits.
Oh, don't worry.
~ I signed it for you. ~ You what?
I bent the rules a bit and signed it for you so you'd get your money.
~ That's fraud. ~ No, no, that's not fraud.
I mean, it is fraud but it's good fraud.
It's helpful fraud.
You know you've done wrong, Natalie.
Your energy's gone a guilty sort of red, along with your face.
I want to see your manager.
I was trying to be a good manager. I'm such an idiot.
~ You're not. ~ Angela's right I'm not cut out for this job.
~ You are cut out for this job, right? I'm going to fix this. ~ How?
~ I've absolutely no idea. ~ I'm going to need more bleach.
It's all up the light fitting.
Janette, have you not been on the welcome desk?
No, I've been up to my elbows all morning.
Come with me.
MAN: All right, darling!
(WOLF WHISTLE)
(LOW CONVERSATION)
Ahem. Excuse me, I'm looking for Connor?
Are you the woman who left the voicemails?
Yes. I'm sorry for calling you
a vicious... little cow.
And a bitch.
And that.
How can I be sure this is your phone?
Oh, um, I'm not sure I've got any ID.
Have you got any distinguishing features?
~ What do you mean? ~ You know - tattoos, moles.
Birthmark in the shape of a 50p piece on your left arse cheek?
~ I beg your pardon. ~ Nice tits by the way.
(SNIGGERS)
OK. That phone is the personal private property of a person...
and you have no right to look at my... tit pictures.
~ We only had a quick look. ~ Give it back right now.
OK, sorry.
~ Good grief. ~ Trish.
~ Paul, what are you doing here? ~ Making sure you're all right.
I'm fine.
It's a stitch. Any chance of a glass of water?
~ Are you the lucky bloke in them dirty pictures? ~ Eh?
On her phone. Are them your clock weights on her chin?
(SNIGGERS)
But I don't look anything like Trish.
~ He doesn't know what Trish looks like. ~ Please, I could get the sack.
~ We're not having that. ~ Brilliant.
So, just pretend you are Trish.
Copy how she acts, how she talks. OK.
~ (AS TRISH) Team work makes the dream work, Karl. ~ Not bad.
(AS TRISH) Fine, fine. I'm fine.
~ That's good. ~ (AS TRISH) I'm having lots of sex with a younger man.
~ (AFFECTED GIGGLE) ~ Bit too much.
~ Oh, what about Angela? ~ Already taken care of.
She's going to be occupied for at least the next hour.
What have you done to find work in the last two weeks?
I've been wearing this tie.
You've been wearing a tie?
~ I see. ~ I'll be perfectly honest with you, it hasn't really worked.
~ You surprise me. ~ I think people see me wearing it
and they assume that I'm already a high-flying business executive.
But Karl has put me onto a job that he really thinks I should go for.
Welfare assistant in a cats home?
He reckons I'll be perfect for it.
I'll be the judge of that. Why do you want to work in a cats home?
Cats are very clever. I believe they're at the top of the evolutionary ladder.
Next time they evolve, they'll be able to speak.
And write.
I couldn't agree more.
It's cats, us, then monkeys.
Oh, what a fool.
I should have deleted these when we split up. Stupid really.
That's it. All gone.
Goodbye, Tom. I'm so lucky no-one else can see those pictures.
~ Unless he put 'em up on the Internet. ~ What?
~ People don't do that, do they? ~ Apparently some men do like to share amateur pornography.
Oh, buggeration, Paul, what if I've gone viral?
I could check online for you.
I'm going to need to know a few details so I know what to look for.
Just Google 'naked ladies'.
We might need to be a bit more specific.
OK,
try... naked Dragon's Den.
Tom was into it.
He used to pretend to be a young entrepreneur in need of investment.
I was Deborah Meaden. Just type it in.
Er... is that you?
No.
~ She's amazing. ~ Mm.
Did you really think that could be me?
~ I don't see why not. ~ Oh.
~ Thank you. ~ Do you know what? Forget it.
If there are pictures of you, good luck to the blokes that find 'em.
You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
You're right.
I have a... a cracking chassis.
I should probably keep looking, just to make sure.
Remember, you've got to show you're in charge so really go for it.
Trish, this is Mr Taylor.
Hello, good afternoon, sir.
I'm Trish, Trish Collingwood, manager of Brownall Jobcentre.
Take a seat and we'll get to the bottom of this.
~ Thank you kindly. ~ I'll just get your claim details up on the um...
.. doo-dah.
We understand you'd like to make a complaint.
~ I am really sorry. ~ I think I'm entitled to compensation.
~ I beg your pardon? ~ I've suffered severe emotional distress
due to gross misconduct. I have a feeling that I'm entitled to compensation
of between £2,000-£4,000.
Oh, so that's your game, is it?
~ People like you make me sick. ~ Trish
Shut up, Karl. You almost got this young lady the sack.
And for what? A quick buck.
~ What have you got to say for yourself? ~ If you're Trish Collingwood then who's that?
~ Are you lying to me as well? ~ That is Trish Collingwood Junior.
~ It's her daughter. ~ What, and she's the manager of a Jobcentre as well, is she?
She was, but she went...
.. dead. She did a dead. She's dead.
Oh. No wonder this room is filled with such angry energy.
What happened?
She drowned.
~ While she was on a ferry. ~ To...
~ Gibraltar. She fell overboard. ~ It was her lifelong dream to see the monkeys.
And despite all the pain and suffering I went through,
the heartache of losing little Trish,
I never once claimed for compensation.
Oh, you're right, Trish.
I'm really sorry.
I must have just let material greed overtake me for a second.
I've also recently lost someone close, my mother, so I understand your pain.
I miss her every day. I miss her laugh, I miss her... hair.
She had magnificent hair.
Reminders are everywhere.
~ Let me reach across the cosmic void and contact her. ~ What?
We'll have a seance. It's what big Trish and little Trish need.
~ You really don't have to do that. ~ I do, Natalie.
I need to restore my karma. I've been a fucking twat.
Thank you, Paul. And needless to say this goes no further.
My silence can be bought...
.. with sponsorship money for my bike ride.
~ Oh, well, it's the least I can do. ~ Ta.
Yeah, it's basically like the Tour de France. But, you know, in Wales.
Well, here's 20.
Oh, you are most kind.
15 for the Air Ambulance, 5 for you to buy antiperspirant.
You smell a little bit like an old, damp towel.
OK.
Jesus wept. Why didn't anybody tell me?
So, let's hold hands and form a strong psychic bond.
Beloved Trish, please commune and move among us.
That's it. I can feel her presence, she's with us.
~ She will be in a minute. ~ Is she coming through you, Karl?
Er, yeah, yeah, er, she is.
She's says everything's fine and we should all just get back to work.
What else is she saying? Come on, focus your mind.
Ask her what happened on the boat.
She got drunk with a load of Polish truckers...
.. and tripped.
It wasn't murder. She's at peace.
So you can... you can stop grieving. She loves you.
Aw. Oh, bless her soul.
She says she'll see you soon, but not too soon.
And, er... Oh.
Oh, no. She's gone.
What's this? Oh, not my scented candles.
Flipping heck.
Mum wanted her ashes made into a firework and set off over Cannock Chase.
~ What a way to go. ~ It combined her two loves - explosives and Cannock.
Now you've made a psychic connection with Trish, you may feel that she's a constant presence.
~ I do. ~ Next time I'm in I could bring my ouija board cos then we -
She's with us. Can you see her?
No, no, I can't see anything. Can you, Karl?
Nope, nothing.
I think she's ready to move across.
Lovely, see you then.
Safe journey, cosmic traveller.
Right, see you in a fortnight then. Ta-ra.
See, told you there was nothing to worry about.
~ My hero. ~ (CHUCKLES) Well, hero's a bit strong.
Maybe just er... No, OK, hero's fine.
~ What are you wearing? ~ You've seen what I'm wearing. You've been with me all day.
I'm doing phone sex. Make it up.
I'm not doing that here. Let's go to the park.
~ Fine, hang up then. ~ No, you hang up.
~ No, you hang up. ~ Tell you what, I'll hang up.
Do you think this is a good use of Jobcentre resources?
Bryony?
~ Nothing else to do, no-one's signing us on. ~ What?
Oh, hello. Everything all right?
Anything happen while I was away?
No, no.
All quiet.
~ A bit too quiet. ~ Only Bryony says nobody's been signing anyone on.
~ Are you on top of your appointments? ~ We are, yeah, just...
~ just Angela's really slow. ~ Oh, Angela.
Lion-O, Garfield,
Top Cat, Henry's Cat -
Stop naming fictitious cats.
You asked me to name different breeds.
Thundercat is not a breed of cat.
You're not going to get them in a cats home, are you?
Well, no, they live in a castle.
If you ever work with animals...
I will report you to the RSPCA.
Thank you.