I was watching a documentary on the civil war, because I have a low sex drive,
and I found out that during the civil war,
local people would come out to watch the battles.
I would hate that.
I would hate for my family and friends
to come watch me in battle.
It would be like grade school basketball all over again.
I would have told them I was, like, a general,
and then they'd show up and find out
that I just get water for the bugle boy.
I never served in the military.
I feel very guilty about that.
My grandfather served in the military,
and he looked exactly like me.
He wasn't taller than me, he wasn't stronger than me,
and he probably had worse teeth because he did not go
to one of the best orthodontists of the 1990s.
When it comes to the military, I'm a special type of coward.
I know something needs to be done.
I just really hope that someone else does it first.
I'm like a guy in a restaurant who sees someone choking
and thinks, "while I wait for someone
to do the heimlich maneuver, I better look like
I might possibly do it."
So I go over near the guy,
and I get into that "I might do something" crouch
as if to say, "someone do the heimlich maneuver.
I'll stand guard in case anyone tries to make a lay-up."
[Upbeat music]
Mulaney - 01x06 Patriot Acts
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
(Ice-t) Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?
Wow, Jane, Persian weddings are fun.
What was that traditional dance that we did at the end?
The electric slide.
I didn't get to thank your dad for flying us out.
And first class? Pfft.
Oh, it's a free upgrade.
Yeah, I have this card, you flash it to the ticket agent,
and they put you in first. [Clicks tongue]
That's a credit card.
Just a quick announcement, we have a marine
flying with us today.
So on behalf of all of us here at Northland Airlines,
we just want to say thank you.
[Applause]
Man, it's so unfair that he has to sit in coach
and we're in first class.
I feel guilty around military people 'cause I never enlisted.
I just always thought that fighting was something
other people would take care of, like checking on a grandparent
who's not answering the phone.
I almost joined the Navy after Pearl Harbor.
It wasn't a great movie, but I used to love Josh Hartnett.
I never enlisted, but, I don't know,
I don't feel guilty about it.
Yeah, but it's different for you.
Why, 'cause I'm a girl?
No, come on!
Because you're an immigrant.
You know what, John?
If anything, I'm more patriotic than you are
because I made a decision to come here.
You were two.
Yeah, in Tehran.
That's like legal age to operate your own kiosk
at a bazaar.
You know what? Instead of just feeling guilty,
what if I switch seats with the guy?
That'd be cool, right?
You think that'd be a good idea, mo...
Another announcement, one of our first-class passengers
just gave his seat to the marine,
so it turns out we have two heroes
flying with us today.
[Applause]
I only regret that I have but one seat to give for my country.
What?
House-sitting went fine.
Why is there a pizza on a record player?
Were you having a fake house party from the '80s?
That's one of my mom's sculptures.
My dad was like, "get that thing out of here."
And my mom was like, "I'm bipolar! Don't set me off!"
Sorry about that.
You kind of have to stop
when strangers start applauding for you.
Andre, this is Marine Corporal Chad Harrison,
and we are going out for a drink.
I'd like to wash up first, if that's okay.
Where's your latrine?
"Latrine?" So French.
Um, my latrine is down the hall and to la left.
Hey! You know, I was planning to switch seats with Chad.
Really? I'm sorry.
Hey, you know, like six girls gave me their numbers
after I switched seats.
Whoo!
- And I learned something. - Hmm?
You know, the more you say you're not a hero,
the more people treat you like a hero.
It's the same thing with stalkers.
Oh, hello, you're back.
Is there a fellow military man here?
Fellow military man?
Oscar, were you in the service?
Of course.
I was in the air force in 1961.
It was peacetime, so I got to see a lot of great USO shows.
The military is where a lot of young men
go to first be exposed to musical theatre.
Hey! I could do a USO show.
That would be a great way to serve my country.
Are you sure you want to do stand up in a warzone?
No, they have bases all over the U.S.
I'd make sure I got sent somewhere like Florida
that's merely a hellhole.
Hey, Lou, do you mind if I take off early?
Motif and I are gonna sign up for a USO show.
USO?
You're going off to USO?
Yeah. Have you ever done one of those?
Um, well, you know, I did some improv stuff,
uh, when I was young.
A few places abroad.
I... I don't like to talk about myself.
Then it must've been hard to do your podcast,
"talking about myself."
- Let's just drop it, okay? - Thank you.
Okay, sorry. I gotta go.
The USO guy said to be there by 1300 hours
and I don't want to let the man down.
(Mulaney) Man down, man down, man down...
Man down! Man down!
Man down!
Ah!
Lou, no!
The horror.
No!
Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
All right, see you later.
[Knock at door]
Hi, I was told to see you about signing up for a USO show?
Sure, show me what you got.
Oh, it's an audition?
I was under the impression it was more of a, you know,
"thank go you're here" type thing.
Oh... oh, start?
Okay. Hey, everybody.
Uh, how about the Liberty Bell?
Uh, that's a weird thing to be patriotic about.
It has got this big crack in it.
It's... it's like we fight this long war with England
for our independence and then we get it,
and the first thing we do is break something nice.
Something nice.
What else, uh...
Uh, Full House fans here?
'Cause I'm no longer five years old.
Childhood's different.
And the cat's like, "don't get me started."
And that's a callback to the cat joke from...
Thank you.
We'll let you know.
Okay.
Really cold room. Be prepared.
It is nice here doing stand-up 'cause normally,
when I'm around this many white dudes with guns,
my ass is on the floor.
You hear me? You hear... My black ass is on the ground.
Hey, you remember when y'all caught Osama?
Whoop!
They called that "a daring nighttime raid."
Where I'm from they call that a drive-by shooting, right?
Like, "hold on, slow down. Slow down.
I see Osama right there.
I'm about to get him good," you know what I mean?
Stop, stop!
Go kill him, baby.
- I'm gonna pee my pants! - That's right.
Well, shipping off to the front this weekend.
You're doing a show in Miami.
I can't believe you got picked for USO
and I have to audition again.
I'm trying to write jokes that are more military friendly.
Like uh...
Why did a three-legged army dog walk into the apartment?
Oh, I don't know, why did the three... oh, my God.
Hey, you met Franklin.
He saved my life in Iraq.
He's the coolest dog I've ever seen.
He only has three legs so he's light on his feet
like a tripod.
He's always by my side.
I just wish he could stay with me at the VFW
instead of a kennel, but...
Well, we'll watch him for you.
The the marines.
You know, after buying patriotic coins,
it's the absolute least we can do for our country.
Okay. I'll get him set up then.
Come on, buddy.
How great is Chad?
You know, I've realized the problem is I've been dating
all these scrawny beta males who think they're God's gift
to women just 'cause they look like Jesse Eisenberg.
The real nice guys are the Lundgrens,
the Stallones, and the Schwarzeneggers.
Oh! The real nice guys are The Expendables.
Whoever drove the van to set on The Expendables
would probably disagree with you.
Hey, Chad, I'm about to audition for the USO.
Would you mind telling me what you think of my joke delivery?
I'm not really a comedian.
"Not a comedian."
Those three magic words every girl longs to hear.
No, but I mean, as a soldier.
You know, like if I said, you know, bad example uh,
"why did the chicken cross the road?"
I guess you could stand up straighter.
And project more.
All right.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I can't hear you.
Why did the chicken...
Louder, maggot!
- Why did the chicken cross the road? - Questions are for losers, maggot!
Maggot. Bam, new nickname.
Okay, uh, the chicken crossed the road.
What?
I wanna go home. I miss my mom.
Your mama can't hear you.
She's drinking iced tea in a hammock and you are in hell.
Now why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
Who was on the other side?
The enemy.
And what did chickens do to their enemies?
They killed them with their bare chicken-hands!
You're damn right they do!
Now go audition!
Yes, sir! Sir, yes, sir!
Yeah, I got rejected again.
Come on, Lo...
If you do the USO show in Miami,
they'll let me open for you.
It's just one show. You get a free cup.
I already own a cup.
Look, John, just drop it, okay?
Thank you.
What did I do?
There are only two things you don't ask Lou about.
The USO and the time he had to take his shirt off on Ellen.
Mr. Cannon?
What? Oh, sorry.
Uh, no. The answer is "C." Rihanna.
Uh, you didn't ask me a question yet.
I didn't?
Well, it was Rihanna.
Okay, for an extra point, can you name five of her songs?
Okay, um, Disturbia,
Yes.
Um, Umbrella.
Correct, sir.
Uh, Man Down.
- What did you say? - Man down. That's Rihanna, right?
Man down. Man down?
Man down...
I'll kill you.
(Mary Jo) While in New York, contestants of
celebrity you guessed it stay with friends.
The good news is the guy can't sue me.
All contestants sign a waiver
that says the host might choke them.
- The Tom Bergeron clause, right. - Exactly.
Lou, what happened to you back then?
Well, it was 1983.
(Lou) I was with my improv troupe, off the cufflinks
at a base in Honolulu,
about 4100 out of Los Angeles.
(Mulaney) I know where Hawaii is.
(Lou) It started strong, with Murphy doing his helicopter noises.
But then...
Wonderful. And now for our next scene,
I need a location.
(Audience members) Thailand! Farm! Mannequin factory!
Mannequin factory! I heard mannequin factory!
Okay, and now could I have a movie genre.
(Audience members) Screwball comedy! Horror! Shakespeare!
Shakespeare! Shakespeare!
Okay, and finally, a movie title.
(Audience members) A Stone in a Distance! She Wanted to Trust Him!
Emily's Promise. Man Down! Man Down!
Man down!
All right, so, we take you to a mannequin factory
in Shakespeare's man down.
(Lou) We had been ambushed. None of us knew Shakespeare.
None of us had ever read Shakespeare. It was an ambush.
Martinez, Watts, and Collins pretended to be mannequins
so they wouldn't have to come up with anything.
Clang, clang, clang.
Bing bong, bing bong.
Hark, 'tis a fine day in this mannequin factory.
I'll take a Hamlet on whole wheat.
Hold the Mayo.
'Tis almost bikini season.
(Lou) Out of nowhere, the joke bombed.
It was a joke I'd improvised dozens of times.
But that day, my luck ran out.
So, I panicked.
And I did the one thing I knew would kill.
T-shirt contest!
Lou, no!
What?
(Lou) I shot my friend with a t-shirt.
No!
The Horror.
You should've taken The Horror suggestion.
And I never saw Murphy again.
Look, Lou...
Don't call me a hero.
I wasn't going to.
Lou, you can't run from the USO your whole life.
I'm sure Murphy's gotten over it.
I doubt it.
I called him to apologize and all I heard was a gunshot,
which was the sound effect he would make
when he was mad at you.
Have you seen Chad's dog?
You lost Franklin?
We were supposed to watch him!
Took him to the park to get him laid, you know?
Like you would any good soldier on leave.
Anyway, I came back an hour later and he was gone.
Motif, do you know how bad this makes me look?
Dating marine is tricky enough
when you were born in the middle East.
I keep trying to imply I'm hispanic but it is hard
to fake that kind of zest for life.
I'll find him.
He only has three legs, how far could he have gone?
Oh, hello.
Are you waiting for someone?
Well, wait inside.
I was about to throw a tennis ball
around the apartment if you have any interest.
We need to find Franklin.
I keep leaving chopped liver outside as bait
but Mrs. Tuchman keeps noshing on it.
I can't get into the USO, I let an army dog go AWOL,
I haven't felt this unpatriotic since I took that picture
in college with Michael Moore.
Granted, at the time, I thought he was Louie Anderson.
What about me? I'm an Iranian national
who allowed a military asset to escape.
I need to text my mom and find out exactly how Muslim we are.
Guys, look who I found.
Andre, that's not Franklin.
Oh, I know. But he's identical.
You're right, he is, except that he has four legs.
Oh, I thought that one was his penis.
I was like, "this guy's gonna be a star."
Get rid of the dog.
We need to tell Chad the truth.
Hold on, let's just talk about this.
All right, let's go over it again.
Our options so far are:
Option "A": Take the cleaver and cut off the dog's leg.
Now obviously, none of us want to do this.
(All) Obviously not. No! Never do that.
But we will keep it on the board.
(All) Yeah! Just in case. Keep it.
We'll keep it up.
Option "B": Motif's idea.
Cut the leg off of a stuffed dog.
Now this is a really good idea.
But there's two problems.
One, it looks nothing like Franklin.
And two, it's a stuffed dog that doesn't move
I fixed that.
Remember that singing animatronic fish we bought?
Well, he found a new home in this here dog.
[James Brown's I Feel Good plays from inside stuffed dog]
♪ ♪
We should move on.
Option "C": Andre's idea.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce you to Franklin.
"But Andre, he's too small."
Hmm-hmm. Not with the magic
of forced perspective.
For, when I put him in this replica of your apartment,
suddenly, everything comes down to size.
Thank you, sharks, for the opportunity to pitch.
This is...
No, may I indulge?
Andre, if you'll permit me,
Chad will walk into a tiny model of our apartment.
Naturally.
Which you already have for some reason.
I like to play, "John."
Sure.
John, Chad is a hero, okay?
A hero I care deeply about.
Now we have to get him that three-legged dog.
Okay then, I guess we're back to option "A."
We trick Chad by cutting the leg off of a dog.
You're gonna what?
Where is Franklin?
Chad, this is worse than it looks.
Wait, what are you wearing?
These are my civilian clothes.
Chad, I went to get Franklin laid,
but then he just ran away.
What?
So you choose to dress like this,
or are you doing a covert OP in Margaritaville?
Where's my dog?
Well you settle an argument for us?
True Detective. Overrated, or am I just bonkers?
Guys, we reunited a soldier and his dog.
Someone videotape this for upworthy.
Oh yeah, oh, you guys are heroes.
You lost a dog, bravo!
[James Brown's I Feel Good plays]
Sorry, that was option "B."
Jane, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Oh, no, you don't?
But you're so dressed like that.
Look, I'm really sorry we lost your dog, okay?
But oh, my God. You should've seen me
when I found out. I was like, "what?"
And you're out of the USO.
But the show's this weekend.
I'm sure we can find a washed up USO performer
to take your place.
You can find washed up USO performers?
Hey, that gives me an idea.
"That gives me an idea?"
What is he, in a play?
Oh, I got a lead on a cat with one leg.
Does that help?
Lou, someone's here to see you.
I like how you announce yourself now.
Very Diana Ross.
Not me.
Him.
Murphy!
Hello, Lou. Been a long time.
What happened to you?
After Hawaii, I quit improv.
Had to start doing prop comedy.
Like this funny wheel chair, see?
Oh, Murphy, I am so, so sorry...
Shh.
Now you wipe away that guilt.
[Imitating wiping glass]
You got nothing to be sorry for.
We were just kids.
Kids doing unscripted collaborative comedy
based on audience suggestions.
It's time we had closure.
[Imitating creaking door]
Oh, Murphy.
You're so good at sounds.
Lou, how do you feel about doing that show in Miami now?
John, get packed.
We're doing the USO.
Thanks, Lou.
Hi, how are you?
Back in first class.
This time, guilt-free.
You know, I can't fly economy.
When you're lanky like I am, you need the leg room.
(Flight attendant) Welcome to Northland Airlines' non-stop flight to Kabul.
Wait, what?
(Flight attendant) It should be a pretty smooth flight
until we get into Afghani airspace.
And then, anything goes.
Wait, we're going to Kabul?
I though we were just doing a show in Miami.
No, no, Kabul is where the real USO shows are.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna do stand-up comedy in Afghanistan?
Actually, you won't be performing.
So you're just going to Afghanistan.
Your jokes went all the way to the top
and baracky no likey.
Murphy's opening up for me.
Womp, womp, womp. Trombone.
[Laughing]
sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com