This programme contains very strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
# There's a million things that I can change
# But maybe it's all right
# This is my life, this is my life
♪ This is my life... ♪
I'm going to ring you loads. I wish you were coming.
Viva, it's going to be sick,
heading off to festival with the girls, no parents,
no rules, no school work.
Isn't that great? Though I will be taking a bit of revision.
To festival? Revision?
You crazy?
Only the geography.
And maybe a bit of sociology. And there's psychology.
You will try to chill some of the time? Of course!
But you can trust me. I know!
No, I mean REALLY trust me. What does that mean?
Like, you don't want to bang someone else at the festival?
Cos I already assumed that, now we're getting married and shit. Shh!
Anna might hear. I haven't told them we're getting engaged yet.
So, you should tell 'em. No hurry.
We can't get married for ages.
I'll be three years doing a degree
and then I'm going to want to sort out my career.
I'm sure you're going to want to start a career. Yeah. Maybe.
No hurry. But you will.
Don't worry, I've got a career I'm starting on today.
OK. That's great. What is it?
Are you still OK to babysit today, Rocky?
That's the career you're talking about? Babysitting?
Yeah! Babysitting. Rob and Anna are having a date night!
When you have a kid,
you have to keep the romance alive. That's sweet.
So, for a special surprise, I've had all my pubes waxed off,
every single one. Your dad's going to go mental.
Yo, Bean! My favourite little munchkin.
So, if you come to the bedroom, I'll show you where all her stuff is.
She loves Peppa Pig. Snap! I love Peppa Pig.
And she has to have her purple blankie. Snap again!
I love purple!
It's like me and Bean are twins.
Hi, it's festival time!
It's festival time. It's festival time.
So, Uncle Eddie's going to explain everything on the way,
but basically, we're going to be selling T-shirts. Ooh, exciting.
Um...who's Uncle Eddie? Uncle Eddie from my market job.
With the money from this, I'm going to be halfway to the £600 I need.
What is that 600 for, Holli? I just need it. You're not in trouble?
Me? No. Well...
not until my mum finds out it was me who took her stash of pills.
Still, she's got to face the world without tranquillisers one day.
You do know teenagers die at festivals going crazy on drugs?
Yeah, Viva. You're killing my vibe. And Amber's. My vibe is unkillable.
My vibe is immortal. Like Jesus.
Jesus wasn't immortal.
They nailed him to a cross and killed him. Yeah,
but he bounced back, like my vibe.
I've just got to call my mum.
What's this?
I know what that is.
It's a bird whistle.
My gran's got one.
You use it to call birds and get them to call back to you.
Don't know what sort of bird that is...
Maybe an owl. You're doing it wrong.
Don't work.
I hate to break it to Saz but I don't think she'll be hearing many birds
over the music. She wasn't there.
Um...I see you found my Shewee.
Your what?
It's a device to enable a woman to urinate standing up.
You simply place the wider end like so,
and you can pee easily standing up without taking off your clothes.
The wee comes out of here. I thought it might be useful
so I don't have to sit on the disgusting portaloos.
I haven't tried it yet.
I borrowed it from my cousin. She's used it loads.
You don't need special equipment to piss standing up.
There was a technique I learned when I was in the wilderness
and I didn't want to squat in case a creature got inside my vagina
and tried to nest. I'll show you girls, if you like. ALL: No!
Thank you. Suit yourselves.
I just hope you never come across a New Zealand jumping shrew.
Shush, everyone. My mum's calling me.
Hi, Mum.
No, not yet.
I'll call you when I get to Dartmoor.
No, it's all girls.
No, Holli, Amber and Viva aren't going. Mum,
they're not even in the All-Female Sikh Orienteering Society!
You're a scarily good liar.
I never knew.
Never been away from home with friends before.
It's going to be so amazing and awesome.
Being with new people who don't think I'm weird. Hang on.
Are you going to start acting not weird, then? Don't take any notice.
We don't think you're weird.
It's just everyone else who does. Holli's got a point.
When I act like me, people think I'm weird.
So maybe I should act like someone else. Anyone in particular?
No. Uncle Eddie's outside. Let's go.
Rocky, we're going. Festival, whoo! Whoo!
# Up and down and around again
# You get up, you get down and you try it again
# Up and down and around again
♪ You get up, you get down and you try it again... ♪
What have you been doing in there, Amber? Just arranging my bedroom.
What have you guys been doing out here?
Getting my festival buzz on. I've been texting Rocky.
Texting Rocky? You been planning the wedding? No.
I thought when people get engaged,
the next thing they did was plan the wedding? No!
The wedding is way off. WAY off.
WAY off! So, what sort of dress are you going to have?
Thinking about the dress is way off.
OK, but can I just check?
This is so obvious, I probably don't even need to say it,
but we're going to be your bridesmaids, right?
Amber, stop defining me as someone who's getting married.
I'm not being a poncey bridesmaid.
I've been one. I look like a gold sausage. Not doing that again.
There might not even be any bridesmaids.
All of that stuff is way off in the future.
I'll be the DJ, though. For a cheap rate.
Hello, everyone.
I'm happy to be a bridesmaid, Viva. I love your top!
Wait, is that my top?
No. Huckle time!
Uncle Eddie wants us to report for duty.
What are you all staring at? Don't ask me.
He usually wears jeans and a T-shirt. Punters love this.
Who wants a beer? Here we go.
I've got one rule - everything you sell goes in this book.
Don't think you can try and trick me,
because no matter how arseholed I get,
not that I will get arseholed,
I always know how much money there should be.
If I make a bundle, you'll get a bonus. Hi, Eddie.
All right, Bubbles. That's Bubbles.
She sells soap next door.
I'll be round in a minute to get you in a lather.
Now, seeing as I'm in loco parentis for the weekend,
I think I should have a word with you about drugs.
Thank you! Here we go.
No, this is important.
Some people say you shouldn't take drugs.
I say you should take drugs.
Some people say drugs are not good for you,
I say they are good for you.
Some people say drugs fuck up your brain.
Yeah, well, that one's probably true.
But that's what's so bloody great about them.
Yes, Viv? Well, it's our first time away from home,
so we probably shouldn't be taking any drugs. What's that, Grandma(?)
It's our first time away from home
so we probably shouldn't be taking any drugs?
That's like saying it's our first time on Mars
so we won't try and shag the aliens! Not really.
Or it's our first time in Korea, so we won't eat roasted doggie!
Sorry, but it's actually nothing like that.
Live for today, Viv.
Do it all, be it all, take it all, get wasted,
shag everyone and try and have a fucking good laugh.
Will you do that for me?
"Yes, Uncle Eddie!"
Yes, Uncle Eddie.
All of you? ALL: Yes, Uncle Eddie.
- Uncle Eddie? - Yes, Amber.
I hope you don't mind me saying...
I don't think that lipstick's your colour.
Really?
Too pink?
What he said was totally irresponsible.
He just wants us to enjoy ourselves. OK, that's fine,
we all want to enjoy ourselves,
but just remember, our brains are not fully formed yet,
so taking drugs will literally hurt our brains. You're not our mum, Viv.
We all understand.
What about this one?
# I ain't got nobody
# And nobody's got me
♪ I'm a lonesome cowboy... ♪
Saz, why are you doing this? Doing what?
Copying Amber. I'm not copying Amber.
Your wings are upside down, by the way.
I'm experimenting with my personality.
There's nothing wrong with your personality. I wouldn't say nothing.
Why can't you just be you? Amber's popular.
People don't think she's weird and she makes lots of friends
and boys like her. Hey, we're neighbours!
Hey!
Thank God! Last year we were next to this couple with baby twins
who just cried all night.
You don't have baby twins, do you?
No!
Or a saxophone? Bongos?
No!
I'm Tonka, this is Wombat and Ian. Are you brothers?
No, we just all look the same cos we're wearing stripy tops.
I can't tell you apart. I'm the one with the massive cock.
He's pissed. Ignore him.
So, there's three of you and three of us.
No, there's four of us. She's with us. Who wants a beer?
- I'll have a beer. - You've already got one.
Finished it.
- And that one. - Wow.
- Thirsty. - Never seen a girl do that before.
Bet you'd like to see me do that again. I would.
Give us another beer, then.
So, who wants to go see some bands?
What's he doing? He's tying his pants to the tent so we can find our way back to base.
Smart thinking.
If in doubt, look for Ian's pants.
You're also welcome to look for my pants
or in them. It's up to you.
She's not interested, thanks. So back right off.
Manners, Viva.
# I let it go cos I won't see you later
# And we're not allowed to talk it out
# I said I'd go, put myself on show
# But I'm still trying to figure it out
# Broke my shoe Fell and tripped on you
# But you didn't know I planned it out
# I said I'd go Yeah, I won't see you later
♪ And we're not allowed to figure it out... ♪
That was amazing. I know!
I've never seen a queue for the toilets that long before.
I meant the band.
But yeah, it was an awesome toilet queue.
I wish we didn't have to spend all night with those three fools
from the next tent. We were just having a laugh.
You've got a boyfriend now. What about Connor? What about him?
Should you really be letting boys who aren't your boyfriend
try to guess the weight of your breasts? She was just mucking about.
One guy was surprisingly accurate.
I didn't think you'd be on Holli's side, Amber,
seeing as you've been cheated on. Holli hasn't cheated.
Depends on what you mean by "cheating"?
Is letting a strange boy do this just a bit of fun?
That is such a cute pic of you two. Festival's different.
It's like a parallel universe, it doesn't seem real.
When we go home, we'll never see them again.
Tonka lives down the road from us.
I'm going to bed. I can't go to bed without saying goodnight to Rocky.
I can't get through to him, the network's busy.
You're not married yet. Just relax and have a beer.
No, thank you.
I want to stay completely in control of myself. Somebody has to!
Night-night, everyone. My first sleep at festival.
Whoa!
That was weird. I went for a wee in the night
and woke up in the wrong tent!
You spent all night in a stranger's tent? I know! I'm mental!
But they're not strangers any more.
They're new friends - Hannah, CC and Josie. I can't wait to meet them.
CC just texted.
I left my teddy behind.
You can borrow one of mine.
It's just as well they were nice people.
It could have been dangerous.
Maybe we should do night-time toilet trips in pairs?
I didn't bother leaving the tent. I did this.
And this.
And this. And this. And this.
And this.
That's about three-and-a-half litres of wee.
Wow!
Your aim must be so epic.
12 I Fuck For Cokes,
seven Festival Virgins, six No-one Cares
and 27 I'm A Cunts.
Good old I'm A Cunt. It's my top seller every year.
How do you think sales are going?
Sales are going excellently.
So we're going to get the bonus? I can't guarantee. I've signed nothing,
there's nothing on paper, but if you keep it up,
you're on course for the bonus. Yes!
I never thought I'd be able to save up the £600 in time.
Maybe I will. In time for what, Holli?
You're not pregnant? No, Viv, I use condoms. Always.
No glove, no love.
No bag, no shag.
All right, you guys hold the fort. I'm just popping to the soap stall.
Again? I'm a very dirty boy.
Hiya!
I've done everything!
I've been to every stall, I've seen every band, I learned to juggle,
I snogged a hippy, I ate a sausage from a special pig
and then I crowd-surfed. It was like I could fly.
I tried to crowd-surf. Poor Sazzy.
The crowd just didn't want to surf her.
Show them the footprint, Saz.
At least it was a bit different. Yeah.
People have never stamped on my kidneys in time to Get Lucky before.
So, you two taking over the stall now? Um...yeah,
I just need to go toilet first.
See you in an hour! See you in an hour!
She can't even skip properly.
You were ages. The queue must have been ridiculous.
We finished that a while ago. I went to the dream store,
I bought myself some enchanted pink dream potion
that'll dream the face of my future husband. I got some pink water, too.
I mean potion. Right, so it's me and Viva's turn
to go get mangled and party our tits off. Right, Viva?
Right. I definitely want to do that,
but first, I'm going to nip back to the tent and call Rocky.
Don't go back to the tent. That'll take beer time. Ring him from here.
The service is crap here. Plus, it's quieter there. Fuck's sake,
we didn't come here to be quiet. Stop acting like a teacher.
You're boring everyone shitless. Leave her alone.
Viva's happy being the boring, sensible one.
Do you think I'm being boring?
I think you're happy being the boring, sensible one.
This is about last night.
Just cos I didn't want to help you push over Wombat's portaloo.
Don't you want to have fun? Don't worry about me.
Just cos I'm engaged doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun.
I know how to have a laugh and break the rules
IF it's appropriate to do so.
I haven't even brushed my teeth today.
Don't go, Viva. We're only messing about.
I'll teach you to have fun. That's a bit harsh. Shut up!
Fuck's sake. What's up?
Nothing.
I'm fed up with idiots judging me all the time.
Judge. Judge. Judge. Judge.
Judge. Judge!
Do you want a beer?
Um...yeah. Or something stronger?
Vodka and Red Bull? Or something from Ian's magic box?
'Stop acting like a teacher. You will try to chill some of the time?
'You're not our mum. Boring, sensible one.
'Get wasted. Boring, sensible one. Boring everyone shitless.'
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪
I can hear the tree. I can hear it grow.
I'm listening to it grow.
Boom...boom...
# ..Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪
I feel like you guys are my real friends.
Holli, Saz and Amber, they're OK
but you guys I can honestly relate to.
You have really soft skin.
All those tiny hairs.
And you're an amazing dancer. I'm an amazing dancer, too.
Probably the best dancer that I know.
Why don't you take all your clothes off? Jesus, Wombat, you sleazer.
Just leave her alone. Are you kidding? He's beautiful.
Can you do this?
I've been practising that in my bedroom for ages.
I was always afraid to do it in public, but now
it just feels like the right time. I really fancy Holli.
You and Holli would be amazing together.
Do you like dogs? I really want a poodle. Shall we get a flat?
Are you sure you don't want to take all your clothes off?
I still can't find her. She's been gone for hours.
You've got to help me look. What about the stall?
We'll be all right for ten minutes. We're not supposed to shut the stall
without telling Eddie. So we go tell him. Being so thick lately, Saz.
Are you in there?
He is in here! Uncle Eddie.
Uncle Eddie!
He's dead.
Uncle Eddie's dead. No, he's not.
Look, his boobs are going up and down.
Let's leave a note explaining why we needed to shut the stall.
I really like his boots.
Viva! Viva!
Viva!
Viva?
Viva!
Viva.
Viva. Viva.
Viva! Viva!
There's someone in the tent. She must be back.
Thank God. The police... Wait, listen.
They're outside.
Tell them I'm not here.
What's going on? Shh! Holli. The police are outside.
Keep very, very quiet. What happened? What have you done to her?
Nothing. He wouldn't let me.
Ooh!
It's them. Don't let them come in.
(I think Viva's on drugs.)
What's she taken?
What hasn't she taken?
I don't think she took the ketamine. Not like Ian.
She doesn't take drugs. She's not like that.
No, I'm not like that.
I've got a fiance.
Ooh!
Don't let the police take me!
See that Frisbee? See your girlfriend's arsehole?
That's going up there if it hits our tent one more time!
What's all these extra sleeping bags doing in here?
And this keg? Our tent got stolen. We were hoping we could crash in here.
After what you've done to Viva?
It wasn't our fault. She really wanted to take drugs.
She just needs to sleep it off.
Yes. Sleep. I need sleep. < Hello!
Hello, CC. Hello, Hannah. Hello, Josie.
Look, everyone, CC, Hannah and Josie.
- And they've got my bear. - Seven of them, three of us.
Whatever ratio there is, you're not getting lucky in this tent!
CC, Hannah, Josie, this is Holli, Viva, Wombat, Tonka and...
um...
That's Ian.
And Ian! Who wants a beer?
You didn't introduce me. Who's that?
She's the one that keeps copying Amber.
That's Sazzy!
I need to sleep. Come with me. Bring your sleeping bag. Tell me,
honestly, Holli,
are you in the police?
# Clear, see-through
# We are the dreamers
# With nothing to lose
# It's all just passing through
♪ It's all just passing through... ♪
Don't leave me. I'm going to stay here till you sleep.
♪ ..Whatever it leads you to... ♪
OK, show me my future husband.
# ..It's easy
♪ Whatever it leads you to... ♪
♪ Tonight you're mine... ♪
Thank God for that.
What?
I thought you might be Wombat.
It's not that I'm happy it's you.
I'm just relieved it's not him, OK?
You like me?
It's so good.
You make me feel so good. You bad girl. Yeah!
You naughty, naughty girl. Go on, slap it. I will.
Harder. Harder! Yes, Bubbles.
Yeah... Bubbles.
That feels so good.
Bubbles.
That's so good. Eddie. You know what I like, don't you?
Go on, slap my arse.
That's so good.
Sorry.
I'm just going to go now.
Bye.
But I do need my sleeping bag.
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll just get it later.
Bubbles!
Taking drugs with strangers? So clever(!)
I expect you just did it to do show us the bad things that can happen
when you act like a stupid dickhead. Yay! Saz is near normal again.
You were acting so weird this weekend.
We looked everywhere for you, Viva.
If you're going to disappear and take drugs, tell your mates!
I feel so terrible. I think I'm going to puke.
Viva...
Holli slept with Tonka in the tent and we could all hear everything,
even the little in-and-out sucky noises! You could not.
We could. It sounded like this...
She's right. But it was more like this...
Stop. Stop it. It's making me feel even more sick.
Is that true, Holli, you slept with Tonka? What about Connor?
What happens at festival stays at festival.
No, it doesn't.
You said you'd meet him next week in London.
Got your note about shutting the stall to look for Viv. We found her.
Yeah. Hello again, Viv.
So it was all right in the end.
You left the stall unattended. People stole my gear.
You shut the stall and buggered off. I've made a loss.
I'd have been better off staying at home and rubbing jam on myself.
We will get the money, right? Are you mental?
So...we won't be getting the money?
No! You don't understand. I need that money.
My mum pawned all her jewellery since my dad's inside. Her rings,
bangles, gold necklace, belly button dangly thing.
When my dad comes out, he's expecting her to be wearing it all.
Please, Uncle Eddie.
Sorry, Holli. I'm not your cash monkey.
I didn't know your dad was coming out yet. His release date's
been brought forward. That's great.
If you're a fan of dogs chewing each other's faces off for money. I am!
No, wait, I am not.
If he comes out and she's not even wearing her wedding ring,
it's going to be bad.
We'll help you save up.
Won't we? Yeah, course we'll help you.
I could sell my hair!
Saz, what are you doing? Putting my orienteering trousers on.
My parents aren't complete idiots.
We went on the swings, we blew bubbles,
we did drummer with spoons. What about you? What did you do?
I, um...
Yeah, I had a great time, too.
But I am glad to be back home, though.
So, when are we going to tell your dad and Anna about us
getting married? Not yet.
Maybe let me get my A Levels out the way first. Why we waiting?
You're not having second thoughts?
Second thoughts about what? Something private.
Why are you staring at me?
I'm practising my death stare. I'm going back to work next week.
One more word from you, Sheraz Bradley,
and I'm ringing up your dad and I'm going to tell him you're a slut!
Don't worry, you're still terrifying.
Ha, you're sweet. Thanks, Viva.
I was worried spending too much time with Bean was turning me soft.
Who's going to look after Bean?
Haven't you told her?
Told me what?
Anna's given be a job as Bean's nanny.
Turns out I'm awesome at looking after babies.
It basically uses all of my top skills - hugging,
hanging out at the park...
Shit! I think I've only got two skills.
When I started that sentence, I thought there was going to be more.
So, hang on, you're going to be HERE every day?
Every day. Just me and Bean spending some quality mellow time.
It's like I'm really becoming one of the family. That's great.
A bit weird, though, having your boyfriend who's also
my baby sister's childminder. I ain't no childminder, Viva.
I'm a nanny. Completely different thing.
A childminder's just some lazy-arse woman
who sits at home all day while the parents bring the kids to her.
She just watches TV and shit. I'm providing childcare
in your own home, and being dynamic.
And maybe getting in some practice for being a great stay-at-home dad.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Viva? I am going to be sick.
It's something that I...ate at festival.
# People keep saying you're doing it wrong
# But I'd say it feels all right
# I really do try, really do try
# Really do try
# There's a million things that I can change
# But maybe it's all right
# This is my life, this is my life
♪ This is my life... ♪