[The Donnas' Dirty Denim playing]
♪ Baby, please, you must be out of your mind ♪
♪ Do I look like I want your dirty denim? ♪
♪ Listen up, I'm only saying this one more time ♪
- ♪ One more time ♪ - ah!
♪ Can you hear me say I don't want your dirty denim? ♪
- Whoo! - Whoo!
♪ Denim ♪
♪ Dirty denim ♪
What are you doing?
Uh, well, certain financial realities
are starting to settle in,
so I am making some serious lifestyle changes here.
Usually I spend about 300 bucks a pop
on pre-distressed denim,
but I can easily just do it myself, as you can see.
Wait, you spend $300 on destroyed jeans?
Not destroyed. You know what?
I'm not gonna even explain to you
the subtleties of urban fashion.
And oh, my God.
Are you going to pick your son from school,
or are you performing in a slutty nutcracker?
I don't know what you're... what does that mean?
If I were trying to look a bit alluring,
would this be a good look, would it?
I know what's going on.
♪ You like a boy ♪
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
I bet it's that frilly teacher of Marcus'
who was all up in your pantaloons
at Marcus' play.
Am I right? Am I right?
- Am I right? - Oh, God, yes, you're right.
Good for you.
Put it out there, you little strumpet.
I have been putting it out there ever since we kissed.
You guys have kissed? Eww!
God, you're so annoying.
Why don't you just ask him out?
I can't do that.
I can't ask him out. I'm a girl.
I think it's sexy when a girl asks me out.
It means she's confident.
Well, okay. I can be confident.
- Yeah, you can. - Yeah, I can...
- I can go for what I want. - You can go for what you want.
I can exude a luscious, sexual energy
no man can resist.
That is so gross. We are done here.
Here we go.
[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's my dog)]
♪ Well, maybe it's the common curse ♪
♪ Maybe things get bad before they get worse ♪
♪ I don't want to become someone ♪
♪ Who can't live up to what I already done, don't ♪
♪ Here comes a comeback ♪
♪ The kid is back, is back on track ♪
♪ And there goes my hero ♪
♪ He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and ♪
[Cheers and applause]
I'd say if you want to focus on the other two paragraphs,
probably be a good bet, okay?
- Good job. - Chris.
- Fiona, hi. - Hi.
I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me sometime.
Oh, I...
Oh, no, of course you don't. No, it's fine.
It's fine, it's fine. Of course, I understand.
Obviously a man, if he wants to ask a woman out,
he asks her out,
so I'm terribly sorry for putting you
in this awkward position,
and thanks for letting me down gently.
- Good day. - Fiona.
I have wanted to ask you out ever since we kissed.
I've been reticent to do so because I don't want
to overstep my bounds, being Marcus' teacher and all.
- You did want to ask me out? - Yes, very, very much.
- Okay. - Okay.
But since you asked me out, I'm stepping up.
I'm planning everything. Are you free tomorrow night?
Tomorrow? Um...
[Cries] Yes, tomorrow.
Are you okay?
No, I just have to go and see someone about...
this thing keeps happening with my eyes.
It's wet eye syndrome.
I'm sorry.
[Cries]
[Car lock beeps]
[The Cars' Moving in Stereo playing]
♪ Life's the same, I'm moving in stereo ♪
♪ Life's the same except for my shoes ♪
♪ Life's the same ♪
♪ You're shaking like tremolo ♪
♪ Life's the same ♪
♪ It's all inside you ♪
Dakota. Hey.
Just giving the old bimmer a little bath there.
- Yeah. - Oh, shirt got a little wet.
- Whoopsie. - I see that.
Fiona's just waiting for me to do yoga,
so, namaste.
Hey, a little bit piece of trivia crossed my mind.
Your year of abstinence, that's coming to end
right about now, isn't it?
Not that I had a Google calendar alert set or anything.
- Yeah, thank you. - Yeah.
My nomadic year just ended,
and I feel really good about it,
like I finally understand my true worth as a woman.
That's awesome.
I'd really love to hear more about that.
Do you want to come over tomorrow night?
I want to be wooed, Will.
Well, I'm the master of woo.
You've never even asked me out on a real date.
- That can't be right. - That is exactly right.
Okay, well, then fair enough.
Listen, I'm gonna upgrade our booty call
to a woo-Ty call.
What?
I was combining the booty with... never mind.
Tomorrow night, you are coming over,
and I am going to woo
the crap out of you.
Fine, you get one night.
Stop looking at my butt.
Okay.
- You cried? - Yeah.
See, I don't understand.
If he said yes, why were you crying?
I don't know.
It's been a long time since a man looked at me
the way he looks at me or planned a date for me.
He makes me so nervous,
I'm gonna do something mortifying
and tank this date.
No.
Unless you come with me.
Yeah, that way, you know,
if I'm gonna do something mortifying,
like blubbering, you could stop me.
Of course, of course. When's your date?
- Tomorrow night. - Pardon the intrusion.
But I just wanted to give you a little pre-woo
of the woo-nami coming your way tomor-woo night.
Did you say tomorrow night?
No, I said tomor-woo night.
I'm adding "woo" to stuff.
It's really not that charming at all.
We're all going on a double date tomorrow night.
Isn't that gonna be so fun?
[Whispering] So fun.
We are not going on a double date.
That beautiful woman has spent an entire year
coiling herself into a tight spring
of sexual frustration,
and I will be damned if I let some other dude
bounce her first.
- Reschedule right now. - No!
Chris has already planned a beautiful evening.
It's a hike to a picnic.
Oh, a hike a picnic!
All right, look, we're both adults here.
This is ridiculous. We can coexist on a date.
- We just need ground rules. - Okay, fine.
If I'm making a move on Dakota, you stay out of my way.
Got it.
Rule, Don't make fun of my clothes.
Don't comment on my game with Dakota.
Don't make fun of my hair.
Once you're all comfortable with Chris,
you cut Dakota and I loose.
Don't make fun of my jewelry.
Blanket rule, I won't make fun of you.
Okay, good.
Okay, those earrings look like creepy, tiny, weird hands.
You're basically a vapid walking haircut.
I just had to get that out of my system.
Yeah, me too.
Hey.
Look at this. Better call the booty police.
- Don't. - Got to say,
this pregnancy, it's really filling you out
in all the right places.
- Hello, Andy. - Marcus.
Kind of let me get a little more of that out
than you probably should have.
Yeah, it was uncomfortable for me too.
- What's he doing here? - Fiona's busy.
So I said Marcus could spend the evening here with us.
Well, a heads up would be nice.
Ha, it's gonna be great.
- It's been too long, buddy. - What do you mean?
- I saw you yesterday. - You did?
When you says "see," he means "see"
in, like, a broader sense,
so like, "I see a vision of world peace."
That's what he means.
No, I mean I saw you yesterday,
'cause you were playing video games with Will.
Remember?
You kept screaming, "I am the lord of hand grenades!"
You were supposed to be minivan shopping yesterday.
I was minivan shopping yesterday.
I was doing research.
Ooh, that was a major DTL, wasn't it?
- Marcus. - What's a DTL?
Well, DTL is "don't tell Laurie."
Now that I hear it out loud,
DTL itself may be a DTL.
[Sighs]
Was that only five miles?
It seemed a lot shorter.
I saw a couple nice coyotes there.
They looked friendly.
All right, who is ready for some bubbly?
Ooh, me.
Let's see if I remember how to do this correctly.
One, two...
- There we go. - Ooh!
Okay.
Do you always drink before you hike?
Only on the special hikes.
- Thank you. - There we are.
Here's to a perfect date.
- Cheers! - All: Cheers.
- That is delicious prosecco. - Care for pro-seconds?
[Both laugh]
Look at that, they're getting along great, right?
They both have the same terrible sense of humor.
What do you say we bag the hike
and go do our own romantic thing, right?
You know, leave the two nerds with their prosecco puns.
Come on, it'll be fun. We got me, you, the sunset.
I have to check with Fiona, okay?
Will, help me gather some firewood?
So it looks like things are going great.
Yeah, no, I-I think they are.
How about Will and I skip the hike
and give you two some alone time?
Yeah, I think... I think that would be okay.
And the prosecco is really taking the edge off my anxiety.
Oh, masking your feelings with alcohol.
- I'm so proud of you. Cheers. - Great.
Okay. Have a blast!
Okay. Oh, wait.
Just one big thing.
If there's a lull in the conversation,
I'm good to get out the trusty uke, right?
No, you can't uke on a first date.
You can't uke on any date. Promise me.
- I can't promise that. - Please.
All right, firewood.
Promise me.
Who is ready to get their hike on?
- Actually... - um, we're gonna...
I'm ready for us... all four of us to go hiking,
all four of us together.
- Great. - Okay, okay.
She's got a ukulele in her bag.
- A ukulele, Will! - So?
She always has a uke.
You just broke the rule. I was making a move.
What? I'm not ready to be left alone.
My rule trumps your rule.
What are you... we never talked about trumps.
They're getting away!
Why are you talking about trumping?
Here, and I don't want to hear any complaining.
I get noodles and no sauce.
I get plain sauce, no noodles.
I can't keep track of what you guys...
honey, do you see what they're doing right now?
- [Kids whining] - You know what?
You'll have this one, and you'll have this one,
and everybody has what they want, right?
Wow, Laurie, you're good with kids.
A real natural.
Why is Andy the one who stays home?
Well, Marcus, Laurie loves her work.
That's why Andy stays at home.
Okay, actually, it's not that simple.
I don't love working 60 hours a week
and never seeing my kids.
But you do love going to a quiet office
every single day,
where everyone wipes themselves.
- I know I would like that. - It's true.
I once heard Andy tell Will that letting you have a career
was the toughest decision he ever made.
- This guy. - Oh, letting me have a career.
Hey...
Did Andy also tell Will
that leaving my children every day rips my heart out?
The way I'm gonna rip his heart out right now.
[Laughs]
All right, guys. Careful.
- Thank you. - Sure.
- Wow. - All right.
Hey! Dead end.
Let's head back, get some eats.
You know, it doesn't look so bad.
Let me just check this out. Be careful.
- Here, milady. - Ooh.
- Grab hold. There you go. - Ooh, thank you.
- He is so chivalrous. - He's a pun with a stick.
You can hold onto the stick the whole way.
Okay.
I'm gonna go first.
A gentleman always goes first.
- Here you go, man. - I'm good.
Are you sure?
Those dress shoes don't really look like
they were made for hiking.
I'll have you know these dress shoes
are Italian designer Chukka Boots,
and they are military-inspired, my friend.
Military-in...
[all shout, scream]
[Groans]
This is a bit excessive, don't you think?
- I can walk. - No need to be a hero, Will.
You know, after university,
I hiked the Great Lakes of kashmir,
and it was wonderful up until the hookworms,
and they're sneaky little buggers... hookworms...
because I didn't notice how distended
and bloated my abdomen had become
until you get the painful, endless, bloody diarrhea...
I'm gonna go use mother nature's powder room.
- You care to join me? - No.
Come on, Fiona. Let's go to the bathroom.
- Okay. - Okay, come on.
Diarrhea?
[Both groan]
I kept thinking, "don't talk about hookworms.
Don't talk about hookworms," and somehow,
I'm talking about hookworms.
Okay, first dates are tough.
I've found that it helps just to be super agreeable.
Whatever he says, just go with it.
If he likes eggnog, you like eggnog.
I don't like eggnog.
But you can say you like it to make Chris feel good.
Isn't that really dishonest?
Oh, honey, no one's honest on a first date.
That's how you get to a second date.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Okay, I can do that. - No, no, but...
- um, Chris. - Yeah?
- Do you like eggnog? - Not so much.
Neither do I.
All right, so I read Alex if you give a mouse a cookie,
and I read Madison if you give a moose a muffin,
and I finally got Jonah to stop crying.
Something tells me
this isn't the comfortable silence
of two lovers.
When conversation stalls, me and mom play a game called
"I always wondered,"
and then we take turns asking each other questions
we always wondered.
Laurie, I always wondered
how you and Andy met.
He was in a pre-law class.
Wow, see? That's interesting.
Andy wanted to be a lawyer.
I didn't know that.
Well, neither did I, but apparently he did.
I didn't want to be a lawyer.
I only took the class
because I had a crush a cute girl in it.
Alison Alpert?
[Groans]
Everybody loved her and her stupid shiny hair.
It wasn't Alison Alpert.
There was a really smart, adorable brunette
that always gave me a hard time.
You remember her?
Oh.
- It's me, isn't it? - Yes.
It's you.
It's always been you.
All right, first course, grilled artichokes.
Or alcachofas, as they say in españa.
I hope you like herb mayonnaise. I make my own.
- I adore mayonnaise. - Really?
Yeah, isn't that what you call heart attack cream?
What's that sticking out of your pocket, Will?
Oh, it's so many condoms.
Very romantic.
Chris, the artichoke looks really good.
Yeah, I picked up the recipe in Barcelona.
I was teacher a group of homeless kids basketball.
- It's my favorite sport. - Oh, it's mine too.
- Oh. - What your favorite team?
You know, my love of the sport actually transcends teams.
I've always been kind of a Knicks guy myself.
But, you know, if I had to pick,
I would pick the Knicks.
- Oh, nice. - Nice.
- Who's your favorite player? - What color are Dakota's eyes?
- What color is a basketball? - What's Dakota's last name?
Okay.
Time for my piece de resistance.
I have been curing this
in my oak roasting cabinet for two weeks.
This is Mr. Chris' world-famous
two-week peking duck.
Oh! Bravo.
- Bravo. - She looks beautiful.
You do like duck, don't you?
- It's my favorite. - What would you like?
You want a wing or a leg?
Ooh, that's Sophie's choice right there.
Take your time with that one.
So hard to choose a body part
when they're both so scrumptious, isn't it?
You know, let me get my carving knife
while you think about it.
Have you guys ever read
that wonderful children's book make way for ducklings,
where the mama duck, you know,
leads her baby ducks across the street?
You got to wonder where those baby ducks are right now.
Probably swimming around a pond,
wondering where their little mommy quacked off to,
screaming for them.
Mama! Mama, mama!
I can't! I can't!
No!
Oh, God.
How far can a dead duck fly?
Fiona, what are you...
what are you doing? Why were you sabotaging me?
You have officially destroyed any chance I had with Dakota.
Oh, no, what will you do? Oh, I know.
You'll just go and shag the next girl you lay eyes on,
because that's what you do,
and I'm not like you.
This never happens to me, Will.
I really like him.
Well, if you like him,
then why don't you just be yourself around him?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause I live next door to someone
who's constantly telling me how weird and annoying
and repulsive I am.
- Fiona... - just forget it, Will.
You're not annoying or weird or repulsive.
You're smart, and you're kind,
and you're beautiful.
- What? - Not to me.
No, I want... I want to be very clear on this thing.
You know, you are not my thing on so many levels.
Yeah, no, I get it.
But it's like, you know,
when you see a movie and you're totally not into it,
but you understand that it's an awesome movie,
like The English Patient.
You know, I think...
I think you're my English patient,
and I think you deserve to win all the awards.
I love that film.
Just help me find the bloody duck, will you?
Okay.
I mean, you have to admit that it is
a really boring movie.
It's hard to get through.
I'm gonna find the duck. Gonna get the duck.
Chris, I found your duck.
It's got a bit of moss on it,
but you could probably eat around that bit.
Look, there's something clearly going on
between you and your neighbor.
I'm guessing not over me.
It's really none of my business.
- I don't have wet eye syndrome. - Huh?
The other day when I asked you out,
I said I had wet eye syndrome,
but I don't.
It's not even a real syndrome.
I didn't think so.
I cried because I'm weird.
Also, I don't know anything about basketball,
and I loathe mayonnaise.
And I don't like duck
or any other meat, for that matter.
But I do like you,
so much so that I brought my friends with me,
you know, to try and stop me being weird.
That ship sailed.
I'd really just prefer to be myself.
- Oh, no. - Oh, God.
She's gonna uke.
[Playing joni Mitchell's the circle game]
[Whispering] Fiona. Fiona.
♪ And the seasons ♪
♪ They go round and round ♪
♪ And the painted ponies go up and down ♪
♪ We're captive on a carousel ♪
♪ Of time ♪
Oh, God, is he going for his car keys?
Yeah, I can't look, but I also...
I can't look away.
♪ And go round and round and round ♪
♪ In the circle game ♪
♪ And the seasons ♪
♪ They go round and round ♪
♪ And the painted ponies go up and down ♪
♪ We're captive on a carousel of time ♪
- That is so romantic. - Weird.
- What? - Nothing.
I love this song. It's like...
so beautiful.
♪ And go round and round and round ♪
♪ In the circle game ♪
So did you have fun at Andy and Laurie's?
Oh, it was fun.
I mean, a little bit exhausting
keeping that sinking ship afloat.
You know how I always wish for a bigger family?
- Yeah. - I'm done with that.
I think you and me is perfect,
you know, just the two of us.
[Phone chimes]
Who's that?
Oh, it's nothing.
[Wolf howls]
What was that?
Oh, that was a house cat.
- I can't do this. - No, no, no, no, Dakota!
Dakota, please! Please!
The house cat went back inside.
[Bear growls]
Whoa!
Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com