1
00:00:01,360 --> 00:00:02,952
Previously on "Cuckoo".
2
00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:05,196
There's something
we always said we'd do.
3
00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:07,709
Oh, yeah? What did I promise?
4
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,398
- To get a vasectomy.
- What?
5
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,431
Did you go through with it
or were you a chicken?
6
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,677
- Why wouldn't I go through with it?
- Ha! So now you're a eunuch!
7
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,439
- Bloody hell!
- Oh, what a tangled web we weave
8
00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:20,199
when first we lie
about having a vasectomy.
9
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,551
Steve still gets jealous about
my having a Latin stallion of a lover.
10
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,272
Isn't that right, Pepe?
11
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,039
I'm fine with Pepe and Connie
sharing the master bedroom.
12
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,754
I mean, people have sex. Get over it.
13
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,075
I don't think I want to live here.
14
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,988
Is it the house you don't like
or something else?
15
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,155
Mom!
16
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,315
When I first saw you,
I thought you were...
17
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,635
Well, I wish we'd never found out.
18
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:55,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
19
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,430
"Dear Dave and Pri.
Haven't seen you this year."
20
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:14,677
"Don't want to see you next year.
Why am I doing this? Please kill me."
21
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,870
- "Lots of love, Ken."
- Er...
22
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,956
Sorry, "Ken and Lorna."
23
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,674
I gave you the option.
You could have watched the film.
24
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:22,755
Love Actually?
25
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,758
I'd rather lick the turkey's arse
till it's cooked by friction.
26
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:30,438
- Hey, Lorna.
- You been up on the roof again?
27
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:31,754
Yeah.
28
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,711
Everything alright?
29
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,468
Yeah.
30
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:40,993
Erm... I'm going to go for a run.
31
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,229
Down in the dumps lately, isn't he?
32
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,279
What do you reckon, Rach?
Maybe he's in love.
33
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:55,393
Why? He hasn't done anything wrong.
I mean, I haven't done anything wrong.
34
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,112
I mean... Oh! What was the question?
35
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,993
Just wondering who the lucky girl was.
36
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:04,073
First love at Christmas.
37
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,872
How romantic, eh?
38
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,270
Oh, I love Christmas.
39
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,789
I love the songs and the lights.
40
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,751
And the way you can spell it two ways.
41
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,472
Give it a rest, Lorna.
42
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,353
I can't help it, Con.
I'm just feeling so Christmassy.
43
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,835
Or Xmassy!
44
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:28,033
Christmas is going to be a challenge
with Steve and Pepe living in the house.
45
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,594
Fighting
over who gets to stuff the turkey.
46
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,915
Yes, how do you ration that out?
47
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,558
Oh. You mean actually stuffs the turkey?
48
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,033
Yes.
49
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:45,118
Frankly, Lorn, I'm at my wits' end.
Steve's been so distant lately.
50
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,116
I feel like I'm sinking fast.
51
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,878
Oh, Con, carols!
52
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,397
Oh, Con, this is an absolute classic!
53
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,994
Get me a towel.
I need a damp towel to revive her.
54
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,633
Mrs Thompson? Lorna?
Are you feeling any better?
55
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,593
- You fainted.
- Fainted? What?
56
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,518
Would you mind me asking,
are you pregnant?
57
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,871
No! No. My husband's had the snip.
58
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,833
OK, sure. Only as a midwife,
I can usually tell.
59
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,313
Glad to be of help.
60
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,512
- Gabriel.
- Ooh! That's a Christmassy name.
61
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,835
- Lorna.
- Take care.
62
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,713
Oh. He was nice!
Dead wrong about the pregnancy, though.
63
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,637
Unless it's a virgin birth!
64
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,958
Ken? Thought I'd just pop in
for a Christmas visit.
65
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,516
Nina! Wow! I am surprised to see you.
66
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,949
Still so sorry about the...
67
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,799
- The punch in the face?
- Yeah, and before that the...
68
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,036
- Puking all over me?
- Yes, the puking.
69
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:16,479
Ken, that's forgotten.
70
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,195
Forgotten because, after all,
this is the season of forgiveness.
71
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,790
- Yes.
- And also presents and food.
72
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:26,393
Mistletoe.
73
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:29,956
So, the community Christmas show
is on Christmas Eve
74
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,436
and it's for school kids and
amateur groups to give something back.
75
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,198
But why am I telling you about this?
76
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,754
You know
because Dylan's performing in it.
77
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:38,915
- Is he?
- Yes!
78
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,632
Well...
79
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:45,834
Anyway, I am organising it this year
and I have had a theatrical brainwave.
80
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:46,915
Right.
81
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,476
Ken, I would be so, so grateful
82
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,956
if you would commit
to playing the role of...
83
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,229
- Hamlet!
- No.
84
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,237
- Stanley Kowalski?
- No!
85
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,873
Then it must be...
86
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,911
Father Christmas.
87
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:04,589
No. Nina, who put you up to this?
They ask me every year.
88
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,631
But it's the role you were born to play!
89
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,228
You know, with your... stature.
90
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,475
Oh.
91
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,876
You might as well get something
worthwhile out of all those big lunches.
92
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,638
Oh, come on, Ken. It's Christmas.
93
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,479
Yes! It's Christmas. Get over it, Nina.
94
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,909
- So that's a...
- It's a no!
95
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,235
No, no, Nina. Nina, no, no.
96
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,430
OK, I'm hearing a maybe.
97
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,233
And I'm counting on you going away
and thinking about it
98
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:31,952
and coming back to me with a yes!
99
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,559
- No!
- Merry Christmas.
100
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,750
- Merry Nomas.
- Yes.
101
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,515
Hey, Mum.
102
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,551
Rach, are these your pregnancy tests?
103
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,434
Yeah, from when I was trying
with Cuckoo. Just chuck 'em.
104
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,035
Bit of fun.
105
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,998
What the...
106
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,073
What's this?
107
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,316
Erm... It's for you.
108
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,635
Topiary.
109
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,318
Wicked!
110
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,238
- So do I need to put it in water or...
- Hmm.
111
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,309
There you go.
112
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,557
What is that in my room? How am I
supposed to explain that to people?
113
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:22,036
What's to explain? I love you,
you love me, we had amazing sex.
114
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,513
I'm not ashamed, Mom.
115
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,189
Dale, I shouldn't have done what I did.
We agreed to forget about it.
116
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,356
Forget that? That's impossible!
117
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,948
I never knew my twang stick
could do all that cool stuff.
118
00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:33,308
I'm not his mum, OK?
119
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,556
You have to stop this, it's weird.
120
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:38,752
What? So the father I never knew
also happens to be your dead husband?
121
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,075
- It's not that weird.
- It's massively weird.
122
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,792
It stops here, OK?
123
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,037
What if we're meant to be together?
124
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,390
What if you're my One?
125
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:51,909
That's my mom.
126
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,519
I do really love Christmas.
127
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:06,436
Bloody Nina's been texting all day
asking me to reconsider.
128
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,120
I'm a solicitor, Lorna.
I have professional dignity.
129
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,674
Maybe it's nice
that people want you to play Santa.
130
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,439
It means they see you
as a jolly sort of a person.
131
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,073
Oh, do they?
132
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,873
Yeah, you're right.
It's probably because of your belly.
133
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,396
Ah! The mystery man returns.
134
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,478
What's this I've heard about you
performing in a Christmas show?
135
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,750
Er... Yeah.
I might be doing a song or something.
136
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:32,509
You're singing? Oh, fantastic!
137
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,632
- Where's this come from, Dyl?
- I don't know, Mum. I don't know.
138
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,432
So can you stop with all the questions?
139
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,152
Come on, Dyl. Tell your mum.
140
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,157
Come on, spill, Dyl.
We won't laugh at you.
141
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:43,874
Yeah, alright, well,
Zoe said she'd only get back with me
142
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,070
if I sung some stupid song
at the stupid show.
143
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,156
What? Why would she do that?
144
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,999
Maybe because she's trying
to control me like women do?
145
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,510
Dylan, Zoe does seem a tad manipulative.
146
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,315
Yeah, what can I do, Mum?
I love the bitch.
147
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,037
Jesus Christ, Dale! What are you doing
in my room, you freak?
148
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:10,118
Contemplating.
I think maybe I'm in love.
149
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:14,715
I just can't seem
to get this girl out of my head.
150
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,434
- We intercoursed, Dylan.
- Nice!
151
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,352
In the cult, we were taught
the first person we intercoursed with
152
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:22,708
would be our alien bride.
153
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,877
And we'd intercourse with her
and only her forever.
154
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,353
That's pretty stupid.
155
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:31,393
Mind you, first girl that I did it with
was an escort that Dad paid for.
156
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,556
No one actually believes that story,
Dylan.
157
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,990
Oh, Ken, some news. I've invited
Connie and Steve to the Christmas balti.
158
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:54,477
You've done what? The Christmas balti
is my favourite family tradition!
159
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,160
Don't be stupid.
Curry two days before Christmas?
160
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,477
It's not a curry, Lorn.
It's a Birmingham balti.
161
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,749
What is the difference?
162
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,273
It's in a metal bowl.
163
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:09,279
Ken, can I have a word for a second?
164
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,192
My God! I'm going to be a granddad!
165
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,311
- Have you spoken to Rachel about this?
- No.
166
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:19,113
I wanted
to check in with you first.
167
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,356
The plan was to propose
in three months' time,
168
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,311
the night we exchange on the new build.
169
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:27,718
It's my mum's 60th that night, so I
thought we'd roll both parties into one.
170
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,559
But if Rachel's pregnant,
should I ask her now?
171
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:31,908
It might be nice.
172
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,553
Then I'll do it!
173
00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,752
God, I feel so impetuous
when I hang out with you, Ken!
174
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:41,476
I know just the occasion. I'll ask her
at the Thompson family Christmas balti!
175
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:42,555
Oh, boy.
176
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,671
- Really?
- It's perfect.
177
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,314
I always feel weirdly confident
with a balti in me.
178
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,193
- Probably the beer.
- Yeah, could be the beer.
179
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,039
Do you not think you should
take her someone nice, on her own?
180
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,798
I've thought about this, Ken.
181
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,993
I know what people think of me, that
I'm predictable, plodding, even boring.
182
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,317
Sure, I'm financially organised
and damn good at conveyancing,
183
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,352
but I'm also a daredevil!
184
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,152
Yes, you are.
185
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,113
Well, then, good luck.
186
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,474
Thanks... Dad.
187
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,911
Think I've had a Dr King before.
188
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,157
My husband Dr King
is also a partner here,
189
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,669
as is his father, Dr King.
190
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,631
Three Kings! Funny, eh?
191
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,312
Yes!
192
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:36,433
Well, there's definitely a baby.
In fact, you're two months gone.
193
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,949
Two months?
Oh, no, that's wrong, Doctor.
194
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,469
My husband had a vasectomy
four months ago.
195
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,398
Did he? Well, that's interesting,
isn't it?
196
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,193
So... How has this happened?
197
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,790
Well, I mean, that's hard for me to say.
198
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:55,118
Can you remember perhaps
any encounter you may have had?
199
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,516
- What sort of encounter?
- Perhaps an encounter with a man?
200
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,158
And his penis?
201
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,433
- What?
- Have a think.
202
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,949
- Something may come back to you.
- No, it won't!
203
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,469
Mrs Thompson, I believe you.
204
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,875
- Did you just?
- No.
205
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,955
Whatever you think you saw
was your imagination.
206
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,596
So are you going to sing
for your dinner, bitch?
207
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,439
Don't call me that! Not in public.
208
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,996
- Here you are, love.
- No, you enjoy yourself. I'll drive.
209
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,588
That's not like you, you old soak.
210
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:16,949
That's disgusting.
211
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,355
Oof! Wow, that even reached me.
212
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,630
Just going to go and get some air.
213
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,032
- I know.
- You know what?
214
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,720
You're going to need someone
to look after you soon.
215
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:37,796
- Dale...
- Rachel Thompson.
216
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,037
Until two months ago I never considered
that the female in my life
217
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,878
might be a living, breathing woman
218
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,195
rather than
a terrifying extraterrestrial.
219
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,914
- Dale, get up! People will see!
- OK.
220
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,558
I never planned on falling in love
with my dad's widowed wife.
221
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:55,832
But you don't love Ben!
And one of us has to be there for you.
222
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,234
Come on through, let's go.
223
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,719
Rachel, I need you to choose
between me and him.
224
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,239
Dale, please, stop.
225
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:03,634
Right now, right here.
226
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,672
I'm not walking out of this room
until you give me an answer, OK?
227
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,518
Two names, me or Ben, OK?
228
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,154
Ben or me. Me or Ben.
I'm ready for it. Give it to me.
229
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,559
OK.
230
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,115
Ben.
231
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:26,354
Ben? No, but you don't love him!
232
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,393
- Don't you even like me?
- Yes! Dale, I like you.
233
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,671
But Ben's good and kind...
234
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,953
And when I'm with him it...
it basically never feels like incest.
235
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,269
Rachel...
236
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:46,639
You're my One.
237
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:48,155
No.
238
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,397
I'm not, Dale.
239
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,073
I'm not, I'm sorry.
240
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,275
OK.
241
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,992
I'm gonna go for a jog.
242
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:09,517
Connie, I can't think
of any other explanation!
243
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:13,394
Well, you have always
really loved Christmas.
244
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,239
But Ken's never going to believe me.
245
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,193
He'll be just like he was
when I saw that UFO.
246
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,873
Probably worse.
247
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,957
Oh, Con, it's so great
to get it off my chest.
248
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,833
You know, to finally get
a sense of perspective.
249
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,712
Yes.
250
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,757
We must prepare
for the coming of a messiah.
251
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,314
- What's happened to Dale?
- I don't know.
252
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,313
Ladies and gents, on this day
20 years ago, I proposed to Connie.
253
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,436
On this day but in February.
254
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,472
And we married and we were happy
255
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:08,718
in that magical, angry way
that young people are.
256
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,996
A lot of water has passed
under the bridge since.
257
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,908
There's been affairs on both sides.
258
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,996
Connie's you know about.
259
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:22,351
Mine were a bit more hush-hush
260
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,675
and with... models.
261
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,758
Anyway, the long and the short of it is,
I've had enough.
262
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,075
Steve, don't leave me!
263
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,633
I've had enough, Connie.
264
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,320
I demand
to return to the master bedroom.
265
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,876
Pepe, you can still have the spare
room. I mean, that's only fair.
266
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,436
Connie, you're my wife.
267
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,994
I want to be your main husband again.
268
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:46,473
- Steve...
- Hmm?
269
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,274
Yes! I say yes!
270
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,709
Come here.
271
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,758
I think they're waiting for us to clap.
272
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,232
And now to prove my manhood,
273
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,750
I'm going to order
the hottest curry on the menu.
274
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:13,835
Omar!
275
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,989
- It's John.
- John.
276
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,431
Your hottest mushroom phall, please.
277
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,677
Had one of these on my wedding night.
Almost hospitalised me.
278
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,038
Mr Chance,
please be aware that since 20 years,
279
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:32,278
the heat of the chillies available
in this country has increased tenfold.
280
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,109
Alright, no need for
the history lesson, John. I can take it.
281
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,117
I can take anything tonight.
282
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,434
Burning!
My insides are burning like Mordor!
283
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,230
Maybe it's better you missed your slot.
284
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,920
- Maybe do it quietly.
- Screw that, Ken.
285
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,712
I said my proposal...
286
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,752
...would be brave and in public,
and brave and in public it will be!
287
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:59,749
Nina. She wants me to be Santa
at the community Christmas performance.
288
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,110
Christmas show? That's public.
289
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,559
Yeah, it's at the town hall.
290
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,469
Oh, Christ, no!
291
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,953
You have to do this for me.
292
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,638
Get me on that stage!
293
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,309
Ben, if I do this, it will mean throwing
away every bit of dignity I've gathered
294
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:17,035
over 25 years as a respected lawyer
in this cathedral city.
295
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,152
Really? More than the time
you were caught stealing at a funeral?
296
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,748
It wasn't stealing!
But, yes, more than that.
297
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,474
What about the time you
falsely accused our senior partner
298
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,670
of masturbating to a sex tape
of your daughter,
299
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,075
but in fact he had Parkinson's?
300
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,510
Yes, Ben, that was undignified,
but this is worse.
301
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:34,914
I don't think I can do this.
302
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,396
Didn't you also once turn up
to a kids' party high on E?
303
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,078
Oh, fuck it, I'll do it.
304
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,873
- Thanks... Dad.
- Yes, you've done that.
305
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:53,915
Hey, Pepe.
306
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:06,077
Pepe, what do you do when the girl
you love can't love you back?
307
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,276
How can you carry on living around them
308
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,676
when every moment cuts your heart
like a tiny little knife?
309
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,038
If you ask me,
when it gets too complicated
310
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,559
best to fuck off out of there.
311
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,229
Good luck, son.
312
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,112
I'm moving to Solihull.
313
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,278
- Ready for the show?
- I am.
314
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,153
So weird that Ken changed his mind
about the Santa thing.
315
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,395
Yeah, isn't it?
316
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,670
- Where've you been all morning?
- What, eh? What?
317
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,395
Well, if you must know, Rach,
I went to church.
318
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:50,875
Church? You don't believe in God.
319
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,754
Don't I? I mean,
science can't prove everything.
320
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,589
"There's more things in heaven and earth
than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
321
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,915
- Shakespeare.
- Oh, right. Which play?
322
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,429
No idea. Heard it on Ghost Hunters.
323
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,116
Come on out now, Ken, let's see you.
324
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,313
Oh, great!
325
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,193
And remember to slap your belly
when you laugh. Ho, ho, ho!
326
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,436
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Yeah, but slap your belly.
327
00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,557
Ha! Beautiful!
Really got to use those natural assets.
328
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,550
I love your little Robin Hood friend,
too.
329
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:34,669
I'm an elf!
330
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,229
How do I look?
331
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,510
Are you sure you want
to go through with this?
332
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,393
OK, message from front of stage.
Fan mail already!
333
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,757
"Ken, by the time you read this,
I will be gone."
334
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:52,591
"I've lost the girl I love
and can't bear to stay."
335
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,358
"That's all you need to know."
336
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,517
"You will never know
where I'm going nor why."
337
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,159
It's from Dale!
338
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,952
He's leaving and he won't say where!
339
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,272
Stand down, he's written it
on the back of his booking confirmation.
340
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,516
Bell end's on the next train
out of Lichfield.
341
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,677
Ken, wait,
I can't do this without you!
342
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,758
Which way's the train to London?
343
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,031
- You can't go through without a ticket.
- I'm not travelling, it's...
344
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,310
I've got to see my son!
Well, my step-grandson.
345
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,637
- It's Santa!
- It's not, please. I'm not.
346
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,638
Santa! Santa! Santa!
It's the real Santa!
347
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,832
- Go away!
- Hey, hey, this isn't your patch.
348
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,236
He shouldn't even be in the station!
Hey, big guy!
349
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,112
What? Piss off!
350
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,231
I'm not Santa.
351
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,509
You heard him, mate. Jog on.
352
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,399
Please, I beg you!
353
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,988
Can't go through without a ticket.
354
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,435
Dale!
355
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,629
Santa?
356
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,309
Ken?
357
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,310
Oh, Steve, Con. Two tickets, please.
358
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,399
Hi, Lorn. Sorry, we're all booked out
tonight. No room at the inn!
359
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,839
Ooh, actually, you might be in luck.
360
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,110
We did have a cancellation
this afternoon.
361
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,959
- That's great.
- You can have Mrs Shepherd's tickets.
362
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,798
Lorna, thank God! Where's Rachel?
363
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,309
She's on her way.
Why are you dressed as a plant?
364
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,398
I'm an elf! Ken's baled. I need a Santa.
365
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,673
Did someone say Santa?
366
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,038
Anyone else?
367
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,152
Lorna thought you'd probably met
someone. Do you want to talk about it?
368
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,357
OK.
369
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,948
But, Dale, come on.
370
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,868
So a girl breaks your heart.
Is it worth leaving your family for?
371
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,796
- It's worse than that, Ken.
- Don't be silly.
372
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,754
What can you have possibly done that
your family can't help you out with?
373
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,151
I intercoursed with Rachel.
374
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,757
Oh!
375
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,714
Disgus... That is disgusting!
376
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:27,989
Oh, she's your...
Well, she's not your mum, but...
377
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,031
Come... Dale!
378
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:34,073
Oh, no! Oh, sorry. That is yuck.
379
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,792
- I've totally fallen for her.
- She's your dad's widow!
380
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:43,111
Oh, God. It's not yours, is it,
the baby?
381
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,913
Maybe. But she says
she wants to stay with Ben.
382
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,917
That's why I've gotta leave town.
383
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,359
She doesn't love him.
384
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,469
She's going to marry him
and she doesn't love him.
385
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,837
I'm going to stop him proposing!
OK, the town hall.
386
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,757
- No, Ken, I...
- Erm...
387
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,120
I'm sorry, Ken. I can't.
388
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,959
It's too painful
to be around Rachel right now.
389
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,395
I guess one thing
I've learned about love
390
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:13,637
is you can't change
what's in your heart.
391
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,830
Oh, get over it, Dawson's Creek!
392
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,593
Santa and elf, two minutes.
393
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,917
- Where's the Santa stuff?
- Ken was wearing the Santa stuff.
394
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,270
I'm just going to have to make do.
395
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,875
Think Santa... and I can be Santa.
396
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,230
And now who's coming?
397
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:43,239
Why, it's Santa
and his special Christmas elf!
398
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,599
Hello, children.
399
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,473
Let's spend some quality time together.
400
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,672
- What is he dressed as?
- Some kind of glam-rock Oompa Loompa.
401
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:04,031
Who's been good and who's been bad?
402
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:07,994
I hope you've all been good
cos I've got presents for you all.
403
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,872
And I've got announcements like...
404
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:20,956
Congratulations to little Eve Tully.
It's her birthday.
405
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,399
Ho, ho, ho!
406
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,478
Ho, ho, ho!
407
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:30,357
Come on, come on!
408
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:36,314
And with that,
I bid you a Santaish goodbye!
409
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:38,112
- Er, Steve!
- What?
410
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:39,753
Oh! Oh, yeah.
411
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:43,350
Wait, for my special Christmas elf
412
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,516
also has something to say.
413
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,154
I'm Ben, the Christmas elf,
414
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,669
and this is my
elf and safety announcement!
415
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:58,670
It'll mean a short break in the show
but, hey, guys, don't be elfish!
416
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,596
OK, you didn't like that.
417
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,951
I might just
skip the banter-with-Santa bit. Yeah.
418
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,355
Why?
419
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:13,474
I have a very special request for
a really fantastic girl in the audience.
420
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:14,589
Rachel Thompson.
421
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,750
Rachel, I love you.
422
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,108
Aw!
423
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,151
Will you be mine,
424
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,431
in sickness and in elf?
425
00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:40,315
Yes!
426
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:45,598
Sure, I'll marry you! Why not?
427
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,074
Ben! Don't do it, she doesn't love you.
428
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,156
- Ken!
- Ken, she just said yes.
429
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,876
What? You said yes?
430
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,831
Dad, what are you doing?
431
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,837
You don't have to say yes,
432
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:01,996
not if Ben isn't the guy for you.
433
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,190
- Er...
- Not if you love someone else.
434
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,469
What?
435
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,239
Do you?
436
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,358
I'm so sorry.
437
00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,557
- You've got nothing to be sorry for.
- Ken, this is unhelpful.
438
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:22,159
And I want you to know,
439
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:25,477
if you don't marry him,
we will stand by you.
440
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:26,669
And the baby.
441
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,870
Ken, this is actually quite treacherous.
442
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,515
What are you talking about?
Baby? I'm not pregnant!
443
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:33,868
- Aren't you?
- Aren't you?
444
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:36,831
Ken, Rachel isn't pregnant.
445
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,874
I am!
446
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,078
I know you might say that can't be,
but it's true.
447
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,760
And you know
I would never, ever cheat on you
448
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,030
and that means
the only other option is...
449
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,676
- I'm the new Virgin Mary!
- Lorna is the new Virgin Mary.
450
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,109
"When you've eliminated the impossible,
451
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:00,152
whatever remains, however improbable,
must be the truth."
452
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,952
That's Ghost Hunters.
453
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,550
- Is this why you went to church?
- Ken, it's been awful!
454
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:08,793
I took the test
and then I checked it with the doctor
455
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,275
and I thought you'd think
that I'd been, you know...
456
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,834
- I lied about the vasectomy.
- Say what?
457
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,112
I did have it, but two months after
I said I had it. I'm sorry, Lorn.
458
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,639
You lied to me?
459
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:22,752
Actually, that is a massive relief!
460
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:27,431
Oh, I am not the new Virgin Mary! Yes!
461
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,438
False alarm, repeat, false alarm.
No second coming.
462
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,358
And we're going to have a baby.
463
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,194
Oh, bollocks.
464
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:45,671
And so, everybody is happy at Christmas.
465
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:46,915
Well, I'm not.
466
00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,549
Everybody except Ben
is happy at Christmas.
467
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,671
And now to present our finale,
468
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,917
Dylan Thompson
in A Perfect Christmas.
469
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:01,396
You're staying for Christmas.
Christmas is for family.
470
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:03,349
You got it.
471
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:12,918
I love you.
472
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:01,479
I'm sorry, Dad.
473
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll