Previously on "Cuckoo".
There's something we always said we'd do.
Oh, yeah? What did I promise?
- To get a vasectomy. - What?
Did you go through with it or were you a chicken?
- Why wouldn't I go through with it? - Ha! So now you're a eunuch!
- Bloody hell! - Oh, what a tangled web we weave
when first we lie about having a vasectomy.
Steve still gets jealous about my having a Latin stallion of a lover.
Isn't that right, Pepe?
I'm fine with Pepe and Connie sharing the master bedroom.
I mean, people have sex. Get over it.
I don't think I want to live here.
Is it the house you don't like or something else?
Mom!
When I first saw you, I thought you were...
Well, I wish we'd never found out.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
"Dear Dave and Pri. Haven't seen you this year."
"Don't want to see you next year. Why am I doing this? Please kill me."
- "Lots of love, Ken." - Er...
Sorry, "Ken and Lorna."
I gave you the option. You could have watched the film.
Love Actually?
I'd rather lick the turkey's arse till it's cooked by friction.
- Hey, Lorna. - You been up on the roof again?
Yeah.
Everything alright?
Yeah.
Erm... I'm going to go for a run.
Down in the dumps lately, isn't he?
What do you reckon, Rach? Maybe he's in love.
Why? He hasn't done anything wrong. I mean, I haven't done anything wrong.
I mean... Oh! What was the question?
Just wondering who the lucky girl was.
First love at Christmas.
How romantic, eh?
Oh, I love Christmas.
I love the songs and the lights.
And the way you can spell it two ways.
Give it a rest, Lorna.
I can't help it, Con. I'm just feeling so Christmassy.
Or Xmassy!
Christmas is going to be a challenge with Steve and Pepe living in the house.
Fighting over who gets to stuff the turkey.
Yes, how do you ration that out?
Oh. You mean actually stuffs the turkey?
Yes.
Frankly, Lorn, I'm at my wits' end. Steve's been so distant lately.
I feel like I'm sinking fast.
Oh, Con, carols!
Oh, Con, this is an absolute classic!
Get me a towel. I need a damp towel to revive her.
Mrs Thompson? Lorna? Are you feeling any better?
- You fainted. - Fainted? What?
Would you mind me asking, are you pregnant?
No! No. My husband's had the snip.
OK, sure. Only as a midwife, I can usually tell.
Glad to be of help.
- Gabriel. - Ooh! That's a Christmassy name.
- Lorna. - Take care.
Oh. He was nice! Dead wrong about the pregnancy, though.
Unless it's a virgin birth!
Ken? Thought I'd just pop in for a Christmas visit.
Nina! Wow! I am surprised to see you.
Still so sorry about the...
- The punch in the face? - Yeah, and before that the...
- Puking all over me? - Yes, the puking.
Ken, that's forgotten.
Forgotten because, after all, this is the season of forgiveness.
- Yes. - And also presents and food.
Mistletoe.
So, the community Christmas show is on Christmas Eve
and it's for school kids and amateur groups to give something back.
But why am I telling you about this?
You know because Dylan's performing in it.
- Is he? - Yes!
Well...
Anyway, I am organising it this year and I have had a theatrical brainwave.
Right.
Ken, I would be so, so grateful
if you would commit to playing the role of...
- Hamlet! - No.
- Stanley Kowalski? - No!
Then it must be...
Father Christmas.
No. Nina, who put you up to this? They ask me every year.
But it's the role you were born to play!
You know, with your... stature.
Oh.
You might as well get something worthwhile out of all those big lunches.
Oh, come on, Ken. It's Christmas.
Yes! It's Christmas. Get over it, Nina.
- So that's a... - It's a no!
No, no, Nina. Nina, no, no.
OK, I'm hearing a maybe.
And I'm counting on you going away and thinking about it
and coming back to me with a yes!
- No! - Merry Christmas.
- Merry Nomas. - Yes.
Hey, Mum.
Rach, are these your pregnancy tests?
Yeah, from when I was trying with Cuckoo. Just chuck 'em.
Bit of fun.
What the...
What's this?
Erm... It's for you.
Topiary.
Wicked!
- So do I need to put it in water or... - Hmm.
There you go.
What is that in my room? How am I supposed to explain that to people?
What's to explain? I love you, you love me, we had amazing sex.
I'm not ashamed, Mom.
Dale, I shouldn't have done what I did. We agreed to forget about it.
Forget that? That's impossible!
I never knew my twang stick could do all that cool stuff.
I'm not his mum, OK?
You have to stop this, it's weird.
What? So the father I never knew also happens to be your dead husband?
- It's not that weird. - It's massively weird.
It stops here, OK?
What if we're meant to be together?
What if you're my One?
That's my mom.
I do really love Christmas.
Bloody Nina's been texting all day asking me to reconsider.
I'm a solicitor, Lorna. I have professional dignity.
Maybe it's nice that people want you to play Santa.
It means they see you as a jolly sort of a person.
Oh, do they?
Yeah, you're right. It's probably because of your belly.
Ah! The mystery man returns.
What's this I've heard about you performing in a Christmas show?
Er... Yeah. I might be doing a song or something.
You're singing? Oh, fantastic!
- Where's this come from, Dyl? - I don't know, Mum. I don't know.
So can you stop with all the questions?
Come on, Dyl. Tell your mum.
Come on, spill, Dyl. We won't laugh at you.
Yeah, alright, well, Zoe said she'd only get back with me
if I sung some stupid song at the stupid show.
What? Why would she do that?
Maybe because she's trying to control me like women do?
Dylan, Zoe does seem a tad manipulative.
Yeah, what can I do, Mum? I love the bitch.
Jesus Christ, Dale! What are you doing in my room, you freak?
Contemplating. I think maybe I'm in love.
I just can't seem to get this girl out of my head.
- We intercoursed, Dylan. - Nice!
In the cult, we were taught the first person we intercoursed with
would be our alien bride.
And we'd intercourse with her and only her forever.
That's pretty stupid.
Mind you, first girl that I did it with was an escort that Dad paid for.
No one actually believes that story, Dylan.
Oh, Ken, some news. I've invited Connie and Steve to the Christmas balti.
You've done what? The Christmas balti is my favourite family tradition!
Don't be stupid. Curry two days before Christmas?
It's not a curry, Lorn. It's a Birmingham balti.
What is the difference?
It's in a metal bowl.
Ken, can I have a word for a second?
My God! I'm going to be a granddad!
- Have you spoken to Rachel about this? - No.
I wanted to check in with you first.
The plan was to propose in three months' time,
the night we exchange on the new build.
It's my mum's 60th that night, so I thought we'd roll both parties into one.
But if Rachel's pregnant, should I ask her now?
It might be nice.
Then I'll do it!
God, I feel so impetuous when I hang out with you, Ken!
I know just the occasion. I'll ask her at the Thompson family Christmas balti!
Oh, boy.
- Really? - It's perfect.
I always feel weirdly confident with a balti in me.
- Probably the beer. - Yeah, could be the beer.
Do you not think you should take her someone nice, on her own?
I've thought about this, Ken.
I know what people think of me, that I'm predictable, plodding, even boring.
Sure, I'm financially organised and damn good at conveyancing,
but I'm also a daredevil!
Yes, you are.
Well, then, good luck.
Thanks... Dad.
Think I've had a Dr King before.
My husband Dr King is also a partner here,
as is his father, Dr King.
Three Kings! Funny, eh?
Yes!
Well, there's definitely a baby. In fact, you're two months gone.
Two months? Oh, no, that's wrong, Doctor.
My husband had a vasectomy four months ago.
Did he? Well, that's interesting, isn't it?
So... How has this happened?
Well, I mean, that's hard for me to say.
Can you remember perhaps any encounter you may have had?
- What sort of encounter? - Perhaps an encounter with a man?
And his penis?
- What? - Have a think.
- Something may come back to you. - No, it won't!
Mrs Thompson, I believe you.
- Did you just? - No.
Whatever you think you saw was your imagination.
So are you going to sing for your dinner, bitch?
Don't call me that! Not in public.
- Here you are, love. - No, you enjoy yourself. I'll drive.
That's not like you, you old soak.
That's disgusting.
Oof! Wow, that even reached me.
Just going to go and get some air.
- I know. - You know what?
You're going to need someone to look after you soon.
- Dale... - Rachel Thompson.
Until two months ago I never considered that the female in my life
might be a living, breathing woman
rather than a terrifying extraterrestrial.
- Dale, get up! People will see! - OK.
I never planned on falling in love with my dad's widowed wife.
But you don't love Ben! And one of us has to be there for you.
Come on through, let's go.
Rachel, I need you to choose between me and him.
Dale, please, stop.
Right now, right here.
I'm not walking out of this room until you give me an answer, OK?
Two names, me or Ben, OK?
Ben or me. Me or Ben. I'm ready for it. Give it to me.
OK.
Ben.
Ben? No, but you don't love him!
- Don't you even like me? - Yes! Dale, I like you.
But Ben's good and kind...
And when I'm with him it... it basically never feels like incest.
Rachel...
You're my One.
No.
I'm not, Dale.
I'm not, I'm sorry.
OK.
I'm gonna go for a jog.
Connie, I can't think of any other explanation!
Well, you have always really loved Christmas.
But Ken's never going to believe me.
He'll be just like he was when I saw that UFO.
Probably worse.
Oh, Con, it's so great to get it off my chest.
You know, to finally get a sense of perspective.
Yes.
We must prepare for the coming of a messiah.
- What's happened to Dale? - I don't know.
Ladies and gents, on this day 20 years ago, I proposed to Connie.
On this day but in February.
And we married and we were happy
in that magical, angry way that young people are.
A lot of water has passed under the bridge since.
There's been affairs on both sides.
Connie's you know about.
Mine were a bit more hush-hush
and with... models.
Anyway, the long and the short of it is, I've had enough.
Steve, don't leave me!
I've had enough, Connie.
I demand to return to the master bedroom.
Pepe, you can still have the spare room. I mean, that's only fair.
Connie, you're my wife.
I want to be your main husband again.
- Steve... - Hmm?
Yes! I say yes!
Come here.
I think they're waiting for us to clap.
And now to prove my manhood,
I'm going to order the hottest curry on the menu.
Omar!
- It's John. - John.
Your hottest mushroom phall, please.
Had one of these on my wedding night. Almost hospitalised me.
Mr Chance, please be aware that since 20 years,
the heat of the chillies available in this country has increased tenfold.
Alright, no need for the history lesson, John. I can take it.
I can take anything tonight.
Burning! My insides are burning like Mordor!
Maybe it's better you missed your slot.
- Maybe do it quietly. - Screw that, Ken.
I said my proposal...
...would be brave and in public, and brave and in public it will be!
Nina. She wants me to be Santa at the community Christmas performance.
Christmas show? That's public.
Yeah, it's at the town hall.
Oh, Christ, no!
You have to do this for me.
Get me on that stage!
Ben, if I do this, it will mean throwing away every bit of dignity I've gathered
over 25 years as a respected lawyer in this cathedral city.
Really? More than the time you were caught stealing at a funeral?
It wasn't stealing! But, yes, more than that.
What about the time you falsely accused our senior partner
of masturbating to a sex tape of your daughter,
but in fact he had Parkinson's?
Yes, Ben, that was undignified, but this is worse.
I don't think I can do this.
Didn't you also once turn up to a kids' party high on E?
Oh, fuck it, I'll do it.
- Thanks... Dad. - Yes, you've done that.
Hey, Pepe.
Pepe, what do you do when the girl you love can't love you back?
How can you carry on living around them
when every moment cuts your heart like a tiny little knife?
If you ask me, when it gets too complicated
best to fuck off out of there.
Good luck, son.
I'm moving to Solihull.
- Ready for the show? - I am.
So weird that Ken changed his mind about the Santa thing.
Yeah, isn't it?
- Where've you been all morning? - What, eh? What?
Well, if you must know, Rach, I went to church.
Church? You don't believe in God.
Don't I? I mean, science can't prove everything.
"There's more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
- Shakespeare. - Oh, right. Which play?
No idea. Heard it on Ghost Hunters.
Come on out now, Ken, let's see you.
Oh, great!
And remember to slap your belly when you laugh. Ho, ho, ho!
- Ho, ho, ho. - Yeah, but slap your belly.
Ha! Beautiful! Really got to use those natural assets.
I love your little Robin Hood friend, too.
I'm an elf!
How do I look?
Are you sure you want to go through with this?
OK, message from front of stage. Fan mail already!
"Ken, by the time you read this, I will be gone."
"I've lost the girl I love and can't bear to stay."
"That's all you need to know."
"You will never know where I'm going nor why."
It's from Dale!
He's leaving and he won't say where!
Stand down, he's written it on the back of his booking confirmation.
Bell end's on the next train out of Lichfield.
Ken, wait, I can't do this without you!
Which way's the train to London?
- You can't go through without a ticket. - I'm not travelling, it's...
I've got to see my son! Well, my step-grandson.
- It's Santa! - It's not, please. I'm not.
Santa! Santa! Santa! It's the real Santa!
- Go away! - Hey, hey, this isn't your patch.
He shouldn't even be in the station! Hey, big guy!
What? Piss off!
I'm not Santa.
You heard him, mate. Jog on.
Please, I beg you!
Can't go through without a ticket.
Dale!
Santa?
Ken?
Oh, Steve, Con. Two tickets, please.
Hi, Lorn. Sorry, we're all booked out tonight. No room at the inn!
Ooh, actually, you might be in luck.
We did have a cancellation this afternoon.
- That's great. - You can have Mrs Shepherd's tickets.
Lorna, thank God! Where's Rachel?
She's on her way. Why are you dressed as a plant?
I'm an elf! Ken's baled. I need a Santa.
Did someone say Santa?
Anyone else?
Lorna thought you'd probably met someone. Do you want to talk about it?
OK.
But, Dale, come on.
So a girl breaks your heart. Is it worth leaving your family for?
- It's worse than that, Ken. - Don't be silly.
What can you have possibly done that your family can't help you out with?
I intercoursed with Rachel.
Oh!
Disgus... That is disgusting!
Oh, she's your... Well, she's not your mum, but...
Come... Dale!
Oh, no! Oh, sorry. That is yuck.
- I've totally fallen for her. - She's your dad's widow!
Oh, God. It's not yours, is it, the baby?
Maybe. But she says she wants to stay with Ben.
That's why I've gotta leave town.
She doesn't love him.
She's going to marry him and she doesn't love him.
I'm going to stop him proposing! OK, the town hall.
- No, Ken, I... - Erm...
I'm sorry, Ken. I can't.
It's too painful to be around Rachel right now.
I guess one thing I've learned about love
is you can't change what's in your heart.
Oh, get over it, Dawson's Creek!
Santa and elf, two minutes.
- Where's the Santa stuff? - Ken was wearing the Santa stuff.
I'm just going to have to make do.
Think Santa... and I can be Santa.
And now who's coming?
Why, it's Santa and his special Christmas elf!
Hello, children.
Let's spend some quality time together.
- What is he dressed as? - Some kind of glam-rock Oompa Loompa.
Who's been good and who's been bad?
I hope you've all been good cos I've got presents for you all.
And I've got announcements like...
Congratulations to little Eve Tully. It's her birthday.
Ho, ho, ho!
Come on, come on!
And with that, I bid you a Santaish goodbye!
- Er, Steve! - What?
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Wait, for my special Christmas elf
also has something to say.
I'm Ben, the Christmas elf,
and this is my elf and safety announcement!
It'll mean a short break in the show but, hey, guys, don't be elfish!
OK, you didn't like that.
I might just skip the banter-with-Santa bit. Yeah.
Why?
I have a very special request for a really fantastic girl in the audience.
Rachel Thompson.
Rachel, I love you.
Aw!
Will you be mine,
in sickness and in elf?
Yes!
Sure, I'll marry you! Why not?
Ben! Don't do it, she doesn't love you.
- Ken! - Ken, she just said yes.
What? You said yes?
Dad, what are you doing?
You don't have to say yes,
not if Ben isn't the guy for you.
- Er... - Not if you love someone else.
What?
Do you?
I'm so sorry.
- You've got nothing to be sorry for. - Ken, this is unhelpful.
And I want you to know,
if you don't marry him, we will stand by you.
And the baby.
Ken, this is actually quite treacherous.
What are you talking about? Baby? I'm not pregnant!
- Aren't you? - Aren't you?
Ken, Rachel isn't pregnant.
I am!
I know you might say that can't be, but it's true.
And you know I would never, ever cheat on you
and that means the only other option is...
- I'm the new Virgin Mary! - Lorna is the new Virgin Mary.
"When you've eliminated the impossible,
whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
That's Ghost Hunters.
- Is this why you went to church? - Ken, it's been awful!
I took the test and then I checked it with the doctor
and I thought you'd think that I'd been, you know...
- I lied about the vasectomy. - Say what?
I did have it, but two months after I said I had it. I'm sorry, Lorn.
You lied to me?
Actually, that is a massive relief!
Oh, I am not the new Virgin Mary! Yes!
False alarm, repeat, false alarm. No second coming.
And we're going to have a baby.
Oh, bollocks.
And so, everybody is happy at Christmas.
Well, I'm not.
Everybody except Ben is happy at Christmas.
And now to present our finale,
Dylan Thompson in A Perfect Christmas.
You're staying for Christmas. Christmas is for family.
You got it.
I love you.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll