♪ We're not going out
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around with my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪
Well, obviously, it's up to you,
Lucy, but here's a few
that I've done in the past,
so this one's got lots of cupcakes.
This has got three tiers with flowers all round the edge.
Now, this is something a bit special, this has got actual lit
sparklers in it and a bride and groom figure on top.
Well, they're all very impressive, Daisy,
but I was thinking a less ambitious hairstyle.
Just something simple.
I don't really do simple.
Don't be so modest, Daisy.
Dad, is everything ready for tomorrow?
Did you tell the church we've changed the music?
And have you shown the caterers the new seating plan?
Calm down, darling, everything's arranged.
No, Lucy's right. There's always room to make improvements.
Like what? The menus, the flowers?
I was thinking the groom.
Well, I'm not going out the night before my wedding
looking for a new man, Dad.
What about Tim?
Oh, I don't think so, Lucy, he's your brother.
And the best man.
- Do you know when his flight's getting in from Germany? - Nine.
That's quite late.
Oh, no, sorry, I was practising my German.
You asked me if I knew, so I said, "Nein."
So you don't know.
Oh, no, hang on, I always get my yeses and noes mixed up in German.
I do know what time he arrives, so - ja.
So what time does he arrive?
Nine.
Everything will be fine, Lucy. Please stop worrying.
My shoes! I've left them at the flat! I've got to go back.
You can't see Lee the night before the wedding! It's tradition.
Well, traditions are there to be changed. I mean, you could see Lee
the night before the wedding and then never again
for the rest of your life.
- Don't worry, I'll go to the flat for you, Lucy. - Oh, thank you.
I'll take you, Daisy.
I have to drop off my mother's wedding ring anyway.
Oh, how lovely! Is she getting married too?
No, Daisy, my mother's dead.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry. What awful timing.
My mother's wedding ring is the one Lucy's having as her wedding ring.
Oh, well, in that case, it's brilliant timing.
Don't be long, there's still loads to do.
Don't worry, Lucy. Lee will be far too busy to chat.
You think you're stressed, God knows what he'll be like!
Ah, Geoffrey. This is an unexpected surprise.
All surprises are unexpected.
It's like calling something a round circle or a burning flame.
Or an anal pedant.
Go easy, Lee. His mum just died.
She died in 1973, Daisy.
Oh, well, in that case, I don't want to sound harsh, but get over it!
Actually, Lee, I did want to have a word with you.
Over the last few months, I might have given you the impression
that I wasn't happy about you marrying Lucy.
That I was angry or felt she could have done better.
Yes.
Good. I just wanted to make sure I'd got the message across.
I know what you think of me. But Lucy's good for me.
Marrying her makes me want to be a better person.
Someone who achieves things.
Then why are you slouching on your backside watching EastEnders
eating cereal from a box?
Give me a chance, I haven't married her yet.
So was that all you popped round for?
The pre-match pep talk coach?
No, I brought you this.
I'm flattered, Geoffrey, but I'm already taken.
Trust me, if marrying you myself stopped you
from marrying my daughter,
I'd change my name to Shirley, put on a dress
and get down on my knees.
Down on your knees, Geoffrey?
Come on, me and you need to leave some mystery for our wedding night.
This ring has been in the family since my father was 19 years old.
He gave it to my mother on their wedding day - 14th February, 1927.
Valentine's Day. Very appropriate for a wedding.
Did he cremate her on Ash Wednesday?
Guard it with your life.
It goes without saying - if that doesn't get onto Lucy's finger,
I'll be wearing your family jewels.
As earrings.
There's a nice image. Will you be wearing the matching pendant?
PHONE BEEPS
Oh, dear.
- What? - Well, bad news, I'm afraid.
Don't tell me - Lucy's called the whole thing off.
No, I said bad news.
It's a text from Tim.
His flight's been cancelled.
He can't make it back in time for the wedding.
You're going to need another best man.
EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME PLAYS
- Well, why didn't he phone me? - He did.
Apparently, you didn't pick up your phone.
- Well, credit where it's due, I suppose. - What do you mean by that?
I was due to buy some credit for my phone.
But... where are you going to get another best man
at such short notice?
I'm sure I'll find another responsible
and organised person to step in.
All right, son?
Oh, God.
Oh, come on. You're invited to the wedding,
so you're going to be in the church anyway.
It'll be like one extra little thing to do, won't it? Being best man.
No? OK, I understand. Yeah, you've already got a lot to do tomorrow.
OK, thanks, Reverend.
You should have just asked me, son.
I've got a great best man speech.
"Ladies and gentlemen,"
"what's the difference between the bride's knickers..."
All right, we'll be fine, thanks.
Oh, hello! How are you doing?
Yeah. A bit of a weird one, this, but it's an emergency.
I'm getting married tomorrow and my best man can't make it.
Yes, my name's Lee.
No, but I order quite a lot of pizzas from you.
Hello?
Come on, son.
You're not going to find anyone else at this short notice.
Oh, God. OK, since I have literally got no other choice...
You don't know what this means to me.
Out of all the people you could have picked.
If only your mother were here to see this.
Yeah, then I'd have asked her to put on a false moustache
and got her to do it instead.
She wouldn't have needed a false one.
Come on then, ask me.
You're actually going to make me say the words?
OK. Dad?
Yes, son? What is it?
Will you do me the honour of being my best man?
Ooh, I'll have to think about it and get back to you.
Of course I will, son, and I'll take this ring while I'm at it.
Whoa, whoa! You can take your paws off that till tomorrow.
I don't want to find myself at the altar handing Lucy
a chit from Cash Converters. Put it in the top drawer.
Relax, Lee. You don't need to worry now, I'm in charge.
I'll sort everything. The rings, the stag night...
Stag night? The wedding's tomorrow, Dad.
- I'm not having a stag night. - You're not having a stag?
It's meant to be your last night of freedom.
It was until you turned up.
What were you planning to do with yourself?
I was just going to iron my shirt, have a bath, go to bed with a book.
Bloody hell, you're meant to be having new experiences.
They are new experiences.
Well, bollocks to this, son. We're having a night on the tiles.
OK. How do you fancy a few pints down the pub, nightclub afterwards
- and see where things lead? - Sounds good to me, that, son. - All right.
Let me know how you get on.
Oh, come on, son.
You've got to let me give you a lap-dance.
You constantly find new ways to disgust me.
Not off me, at a club.
Dad, it's not how it works any more.
You don't go out on the razzle the night before.
- You have an early night. - No, you don't! You go wild.
I nearly missed my wedding, you know.
Two hours before it I was blindfolded and handcuffed
to a lamppost, and the keys on an overnight mail train to Aberdeen.
Got to hand it to Mum, she tried.
So you won't even have a drink with your own dad,
your best man,
on the night before the wedding.
Breaks my heart, that does.
Oh, God, all right, we have one swift half down the pub,
then straight back here for an early night. Do you understand?
Of course. That's fine.
And don't worry, son, you'll be safe with me.
LOUD TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
HORN HONKS
BUS HORN HONKS
MUSIC: I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston
HE GROANS
HE SNORES
FRANK KEEPS SNORING
Is that you, Dad?
Or is someone loading a game on a ZX Spectrum?
Oh, my God!
Dad!
What's the problem?
- What's the problem? - Yeah.
I appear to have mislaid my cuff links,
you haven't seen them, have you?
Oh, I get it.
You're worried because we've woke up in a police cell.
Oh, no shit, Sherlock. What time is it?
- Why? - Because I want to make sure I'm not late
down for breakfast in case there's a queue at the toaster. Why do you think?!
Oh, yeah, the wedding. It's 11 o'clock.
I'm getting married in two hours! What the hell happened?
I've got vague memories of peeing on a statue.
Oh, yeah. But that wasn't a statue.
Oh, I remember now.
Well, at least it was a tribute to his skills as a street artist.
He wasn't a street artist either.
Well, why was he dressed as a copper?
I'm sorry, son.
I bet you couldn't be more annoyed with me
than what you are right now.
You're damn right about that.
Then this is probably a good time to mention something else.
I've lost the ring.
I forgot to take it out of my pocket at the flat and now it's gone.
Oh, my God!
Oy! Let me out! Hello?
Why's no-one coming?
It's a good sign, it means we're not priority.
They only come quickly if you've committed a major crime
or they think you're danger to someone else.
Thank you for the suggestion.
Ah! Get off! Help!
Officer!
IN SPANISH: Buenos dias, que par de borrachos mas tontos.
You have got to be kidding me.
Yeah, I am.
Yeah, I always do that one to scare the drunks.
Well, I've got to get out of here. I'm getting married this afternoon.
Well, you should have thought of that before you let your father
indecently expose himself to a police officer.
I'm sure it was just a little joke.
That's actually a very good description
of the offending article, sir.
I've got to get out of here and find a ring.
Yeah, yeah, all right, calm down, Gollum.
Oh, very good. Do you get it? Gollum?
Because of the ring. Unless you mean his face.
Yeah, well, you'll be very pleased to hear we've got your ring.
We found it in his pocket.
Oh, thank God.
Right, well, we'll just take it and we'll be on our way.
Not so quick, sir, we've still got a few things to sort out.
Like what two drunks picked up at 5:30 in the morning
are doing with what is clearly a very valuable piece of jewellery.
I've just told you, I'm getting married this afternoon.
Yeah, you did mention that.
Well, there you go. That's my explanation for having a ring.
Yes, or your motive for stealing one.
Ooh. He's good, this one.
- Thank you. - Yeah, that's right.
We planned and executed a very successful jewellery heist
and we almost got away with it, until my father made the small
tactical error of removing his penis and weeing on a policeman's shoes.
- I've got to get out of here right now. - YOU are going nowhere, sir,
unless you can prove it's yours.
Well, technically speaking, it's not mine, it's Geoffrey's.
Oh, and if this Geoffrey character is told all about this,
will he happily verify your story, sir?
No, if Geoffrey is told about this, he will happily
rip off my genitals and use them as a fashion accessory.
OK, fine.
In that case, we'll run it through our database of stolen jewellery
and as soon as it comes up clear, you'll be free to go.
Does that take long?
Oh, not too long, sir, technology being what it is these days,
we should know within...
ooh, three days.
All right, I'll phone Geoffrey.
I believe I'm entitled to make one call.
Good God. They watch one episode of The Bill
and they think they know it all.
Daisy, do you definitely think this will look OK when it's finished?
What do you mean, when it's finished?
Where the hell are they?
- Who? - Well, Lee and Frank.
They haven't answered the phone all morning.
Oh, my God.
Don't panic, Lucy. Your father's just making sure they're all right.
It's sweet that he cares.
I don't care.
But if they're both lying dead in a ditch,
I might be able to get a discount on the catering.
Geoffrey pretends to be an old grouch, but it's all an act.
Yes, it's like when I used to tell people
I was a professional hairdresser.
What?!
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hey, Geoffrey! How's tricks?
Oh, it's you, you're alive.
No last-minute problems your end, I hope.
Yes, you're alive.
'Where are you?'
This isn't your landline.
No, it's more what you'd call a cell-phone.
So how are you feeling about today? Any last-minute nerves?
Well, let me see. I'm meant to be getting married in an hour and a half,
my best man's in Germany, my dad turns out to be a flasher
and I've been locked up by a man who thinks he's one half
of the Spanish version of the Chuckle Brothers.
So yes, I have got a touch of the butterflies.
You never know, Geoffrey might be calmer than you think.
GEOFFREY: 'Bloody idiots!'
'You ask me, you want to throw away the bloody key!'
Yeah, he's probably brought coffee and muffins for everyone.
So this is definitely your ring, sir?
That's right.
Well, that's almost everything cleared up. Just one last thing.
Can you identify these two men?
At the moment, yes.
But give me five minutes alone with them,
you'll have to rely on dental records.
Oh, yeah. Excuse me, gentlemen.
Have you told Lucy about all this?
No, I didn't want to worry her. For now.
But thinking about it,
maybe she does need to know the kind of man that she's about to marry.
Could you keep it secret just a little bit longer, Geoffrey?
And why would I do that?
I was planning to use it in my best man speech.
Well, I've got a speech for the pair of you.
You're a couple of pathetic, moronic, idiotic wastrels.
You can't be trusted to get to the church on your own wedding day,
and you, well, you're the reason he turned out
to be so useless in the first place.
You're both an absolute disgrace.
Ooh, someone's annoyed he wasn't invited on the stag night.
So just to absolutely clarify, sir, you're saying this is your ring?
Yes, it is.
Well, we carried on running the search anyway
and it's come up on our system.
This ring is stolen.
Nonsense.
Until yesterday, it was in that box underneath my bed.
Which is why I'm very glad you're here, sir.
Saves us coming to look for you.
Change of plan, Geoffrey. I'll use this in my speech instead.
This is ridiculous.
Well, hopefully, Lucy and the vicar are out there mugging someone.
Why?
Cos then they'll get locked up too and we can do the service in here.
The whole thing is absurd.
I feel like I'm in something from Kafka.
Looks more like Moss Bros to me, Geoffrey.
I need to get out of here right now!
You should have thought of that before you went on your drunken rampage.
Oh, I get it. If me and Lee get locked up, we deserve it.
If you get locked up, it's a miscarriage of justice.
That's right.
Like we were asking for trouble, you was a victim of the system.
Correct again.
I suppose that we are just worthless scum,
and you're from a different breed of people altogether.
Carry on, I'll let you know when you get something wrong.
Look, we need to sort this out and quickly.
One thing we know is that Geoffrey is not a thief.
Oh, but do we?
He says that ring's a family heirloom,
but for all we know, he might have got a sawn-off shotgun,
put Wendy's tights over his head and gone down to Argos.
Don't be ridiculous. I've never been near an Argos in my life.
No, but I notice you didn't deny
putting Wendy's tights over your head.
You pervert.
The only pervert in this cell is you.
The police told me about you exposing yourself.
That was a misunderstanding.
It's not my fault I got caught short and had to expose them
to my concealed weapon.
Great, Dad, that's all we need now,
lots of sexual innuendo about your penis.
Don't worry, son, it won't stand up in court.
Don't worry, there's still time to change it.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Now, I'm sure I saw a picture of Brian May in here somewhere.
The photographer's here, darling.
Kill him.
And the car's ready to take us to church.
What? We can't go yet!
Lucy, the wedding's in 30 minutes.
Look at me!
I look like I've been drawn by a four-year-old child.
And where the hell is Dad?
I'm not sure.
He didn't say where he was going and he's not answering his phone.
Great. So Lee and Frank are missing and now Dad's vanished too!
We need to go right now, Lucy.
But we can't!
- We have to. - But what about Dad and Lee?
Lucy, I've been married to your father for many years
and it's a relationship based on trust.
If your marriage to Lee is to be worth anything,
you need to trust him too.
Our men promised us they'd be at that church
and they will be.
OK, Mum.
Or I'll have the fucking bollocks off the pair of them.
Let me out! I'm warning you!
They haven't built a cell strong enough that can keep me
from marrying Lucy!
HE GROANS
All right, they have built it. And put me in it.
But I'm very, very cross about it.
In Escape From Alcatraz, Clint Eastwood tunnelled out with a spoon.
Oh, thanks, Dad. Unfortunately, they appear to have put us
in a cell without a set of cutlery.
Well, they've probably seen the same film.
Oh, my God, it's 12.30 and I'm not even dressed.
Nothing new there.
You still think you're better than me and Lee, don't you?
Of course I do. You're an imbecile and a flasher.
Which means you're also a sexual deviant.
That's libel, what you just said!
It's only libel if it's written down.
Then it's slander.
It's only slander if it isn't true.
Oh, yeah.
You know, maybe it's a blessing if this wedding doesn't go ahead.
Maybe fate has intervened.
Maybe fate has decided it doesn't want my son
marrying into a family of thieves.
Stand up and say that.
Family of thieves.
I suggest you take that back.
I may appear to be a gentleman, but push me
and you'll see another side to this civil character.
- Oh, yeah, you reckon? - Would you two pack it in?
It's like watching Pro-Celebrity Boxing with Gyles Brandreth
and Jeanette Krankie.
KEYS RATTLE
DOOR OPENS
You've got to let us out of here.
There's been a terrible mistake. My father-in-law...
I'm not your father-in-law yet.
That's right. Not so much 'in-law' as 'outlaw'.
- Very good. - Yes, but not as good as your Gollum one.
- Oh, it was good, wasn't it? - Yeah, that was good.
I'm sorry. Can we crack on, Dick and Dom?
We have to get out of here.
As I've told you, not until everything's sorted out.
I've already said, I didn't steal anything.
I've had that ring for years and my mother had it before that.
Well, I never said it was stolen recently, sir.
And when was it stolen?
February the 13th, 1927.
1927!
Oh, I see what's going on.
You're trying to fit us up with all your old unsolved crimes,
like the time the off-license in Bolton Road was broken into in 1974
and all they took was a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream
and 20 Silk Cut.
Apparently.
I'm getting married this afternoon!
You've got to face facts, son.
You'll not be getting married today.
Hang on.
He just said that ring was reported missing
February the 13th, 1927.
The day before Valentine's Day. The day before your parents' wedding.
So?
So... where did your dad get that ring?
He was an honest and decent man. He saved up for it.
You said he got married when he was 19.
That was one hell of a paper round.
Come on, Geoffrey, it's time for a bit of honesty here.
If there's something you're not telling us about your father,
you have to tell the police.
If I don't get out of here, I won't be able to marry your daughter.
Why did I say that?
Just before he died, I went to see my father on his deathbed.
He was very frail and I knew he didn't have very long left.
Maybe just hours.
He started telling me things. Things I'd never heard before.
Things I'm not sure I even wanted to hear.
I didn't know how much to believe.
He was... he was confused and rambling.
You know how old people can ramble on and on.
I do, yes. Can we hurry this up a bit, please?
He claimed he'd been a bit of a lad when he was a teenager.
What do you mean 'a lad'?
Theft, burglary.
He said he'd even done time in prison.
I always assumed it was the deranged ramblings of a dying man, but...
...obviously not.
Well, then, you've got to tell that policeman.
He'll check your dad's record and he'll let us go.
No! I won't bring shame on the family.
Geoffrey, Lucy has been looking forward to this day for so long.
You leading her down the aisle. Seeing all her friends...
Consummating the marriage.
I'll deal with this, Dad.
Please, Geoffrey. You have to do this.
Officer!
Thanks, Geoffrey.
I'm doing this for Lucy, not you.
Ah! Stop spraying water on me! How am I supposed to dry it?
Easy. Just give yourself a good shake.
That's what all my clients used to do at Cuts For Mutts.
You have to expect a few last-minute glitches on a big day like this.
'Glitches'?
I've got no-one to give me away, my fiance's gone AWOL
and I look like a Border collie
who's had his hair dried in a microwave!
- Don't be silly. - Yeah. It's much more glamorous than that.
Like a Yorkshire terrier or a labradoodle.
SHE SCREAMS
This is great. I've never been in a police van before.
Well, not in the front, anyway.
Thanks so much for stopping at the flat
so we could pick up the suits, officer.
It's very good of you
but Tim's trousers are way too big for me, Lee.
Am I supposed to be looking over the waistband or through the fly?
And it's very good of you to take us to the church and to let us
borrow stolen goods for an hour.
Yeah, we take back all we said about police incompetence
and bent coppering.
I didn't know you had said those things, sir.
Well, that's because we didn't.
"I can smell bacon." That's another thing we didn't say.
Cheer up, Geoffrey, we still might make it to the church on time.
And what do I tell Wendy when we arrive at the church in a police van?
Just tell her to, "Mind your own bloody business, you slag."
Sorry, I've been watching too much of The Sweeney.
Just say your car broke down and you had to flag a lift.
You mean lie. Sink to my father's level.
However low your opinion of your father has gone, trust me,
there's still way, way further down to go.
I know a short cut. Turn left.
It's a one-way street, sir. It's no entry.
- So? - So it's against the law, sir.
We are the law!
BRAKES SQUEAL
Sir, if you grab the wheel again, I shall be forced to Taser you.
If it means getting my son to that church on time,
you can chuck as much fizzy drink as you like at me.
Look, Geoffrey, I thought you said your dad was a decent man.
I always thought he was, but I was obviously wrong.
No, you weren't.
Just because your dad had a shady past,
doesn't mean he didn't want to change.
Maybe meeting your mum made him want to be a better man.
In fact, you're lucky you had a father
that did learn from his mistakes,
because then he made sure you didn't make the same ones.
I wish I'd been as lucky. My dad's never changed.
He'll never steer himself on to a different path.
Turn right!
BRAKES SQUEAL
TASER GUN FIRES
- Ow! - I warned you.
I can see the wedding car.
Come on, get your foot down, Juliet Bravo.
ENGINE ROARS
Lee, Frank, stay out of sight.
Why?
Because I don't want Lucy thinking she's marrying
the kind of lowlife who gets arrested on his wedding day.
- But you've always said I am a lowlife. - Yes, I have.
But you haven't married Lucy yet and, like you say,
people can change.
Thanks, Geoffrey.
Or should I say... Dad?
Don't push it.
Yes, thank you, Geoffrey. You've got a very generous heart.
You know what I just said about... Well, about people changing?
Yes.
I didn't mean you, Frank, you'll always be an arse.
Oh!
WHEELS SPIN
Chop, chop, then. Let's not keep everyone at the church waiting.
Dad! Where have you been?
Yes, sorry about that, but Lee wasn't answering his phone
so I thought I'd go over to the flat
and check that the silly bugger hadn't done anything stupid.
Yeah, like got drunk and got arrested or something!
Imagine!
And?
He was absolutely fine.
In fact, he looked very smart indeed.
So why did you just step out of a police van?
Well, it'd be dangerous to jump out.
My car broke down, so I flagged a lift
from a very kind policeman and...
Well, I didn't want to miss the chance of giving you away, did I?
Then let's go.
I just need to ask you something first, Lucy.
What?
It's a personal question, I hope you don't mind.
Oh, anything, Dad. Just go ahead.
What the bloody hell have you done to your hair?
See, I told you it would get you noticed!
BRAKES SQUEAL
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
SIREN WAILS
MUSIC: The Power Of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood
♪ I...
♪ Feels like fire
♪ I'm so in love with you
BRAKES SQUEAL
♪ Dreams are like angels
♪ They keep bad at bay, bad at bay
♪ Love is the light
♪ Scaring darkness away, yeah
♪ I'm so in love with you
♪ Purge the soul
♪ Make love your goal
♪ The power of love
♪ A force from above
♪ Cleaning my soul... ♪
Who giveth this woman to this man?
I do.
♪ Love with tongues of fire... ♪
In the presence of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
we have come together to witness the marriage of Lucy and Lee,
to share their joy and to celebrate their love.
Marriage is a gift of God...
...in heart, body and mind,
and if any person present knows of any lawful impediment
to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.
Stop the wedding!
Tim!
It should be me standing there next to Lee.
No, that's not right.
No, it's OK. It's legal nowadays.
I mean, I'm supposed to be best man!
♪ I'll be around
♪ With my undying
♪ Death-defying love for you
♪ Envy will hurt itself
♪ Let yourself be beautiful
♪ Sparkling love, flowers and pearls... ♪
You made it!
No-one could keep me away from my best mate's wedding.
- You look great. - You don't look so bad yourself.
LUCY CLEARS HER THROAT
I am still here, you know.
Oh, yeah, sorry. Carry on.
As I was saying,
if any person present knows any lawful impediment...
FRANK: Yes.
Now, I object. Jilted at the altar by my own son.
You can both be best man.
I mean, after all, you could both fit in that suit.
How the heck are you keeping up my trousers on you?
Don't worry, son, I always come well prepared.
Oh, give it a rest.
By the way, I'm still having first chance of banging the bridesmaid.
Lee, will you take Lucy to be your wife?
Will you love her, comfort her...?
I will.
Lucy, will you take Lee to be your husband?
Will you love him, comfort him, honour...?
I will.
To have and to hold, from this day forward...
For better, for worse...
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...
To love and to cherish.
Till death us do part, according to God's holy law.
Lucy, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage.
I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
♪ The power of love
♪ A force from above
♪ Cleaning my soul... ♪
Little bugger.
I almost had it that time and it jumped up and ran away again.
Hi, I'm Lucy.
A friend of a friend tells me you're renting a room?
Do you ever check yourself... downstairs?
Yeah.
- Properly? - Well, until the woman downstairs tells me to get out.
This isn't a laughing matter, Lee.
Promise me you'll start checking yourself.
I'd hate for anything to happen to you.
Look, why don't we leave the car here?
We can walk back together.
I'm fine, thanks, Lucy. I'm a big boy now.
I don't need someone holding my hand when I cross the road.
BRAKES SQUEAL
Ow.
I'm a murderer.
Nice to meet you.
I'm a victim. Come in.
You're back early.
HE BLOWS
I know you're used to inflating the women in your life,
but please don't do it to me.
Do you think he's gone?
I hope so.
But if he hasn't, don't worry, I'll look after you.
SHE SCREAMS
Please welcome onto the stage the amazing, the incredible,
the unbelievable Wiggly Bob!
ALL: Yeah!
I mean it,
if you need a hug, you know, to make yourself feel more safe.
Thanks, Lee. I might just do that.
It's scary knowing the only thing separating you from death
is one single plank.
There's a good few inches of wood there.
I wasn't talking about the boat.
Neither was I.
♪ The power of love
♪ A force from above
♪ A sky-scraping dove... ♪
When are the other seven getting here?
Happy?
Yeah, and Grumpy and Doc and Sleepy.
Which one are you? Bashful?
No.
Then prove it.
- Evening! - LUCY SCREAMS
Is this the world's slowest burglary?
Am I a naughty boy?
Sorry?
Am I a naughty boy?
Is that what I am?
A naughty, naughty boy?
Who needs a spanky bum.
Is that what I need?
A naughty, naughty...
...spanky bum-bum.
God, no.
You, you don't need any...
bum-bum.
Sorry about all the noise last night.
It's all right.
What's the point of having bed springs if you're just going to lie there?
No, I meant us getting back late.
Oh.
Actually, sorry about the bedroom noise as well.
Lucy and I do like to vocalise a little.
You know the type of thing.
I hope I didn't wake you.
Oh, yeah, what does she say to you?
Oh, I didn't know you were up.
That's cleared up the last question.
Good luck! Break your neck!
You were saying?
The truth is, I don't really live in a block
and I didn't really need any sugar the other day.
I've actually spent the last couple of weeks tracking you down,
finding out where you lived.
Why? Who are you? What's going on?
I think you might be my father.
TIM SINGS: ♪ Surprise, surprise
♪ The unexpected hits you between the eyes... ♪
You wouldn't be trying to buy a real rabbit by any chance, would you?
No.
Yes, you are.
I've changed my mind.
You were desperate for it a minute ago.
I bet you were, you sick bastard. What's in the pillowcase?
- Nothing. - Show me.
No. It's just my packed lunch.
He's got a dead rabbit in there.
Your packed lunch? This is worse than I thought.
Open it.
No!
Open it!
PARROT: Rabbit murderer! Rabbit murderer!
And if I was in the band, I'd make them
start playing the songs you really love.
Put that down now, it belongs to Stretch.
HE SINGS: ♪ Looking back, I could have played it differently... ♪
I don't like this stuff any more, actually.
♪ Perfect situations can go wrong... ♪
I'm in a rock band now. My Elaine Paige days are over.
♪ But it has never yet prevented me... ♪
You think you can win me over like a schoolgirl.
♪ Wanting far too much for far too long... ♪
Pathetic.
♪ Wasn't it good?
♪ Oh, so good!
♪ Wasn't it fine?
♪ Oh, so fine!
BOTH: ♪ Isn't it madness? He can't be mine
♪ But in the end I need a little bit more than before
- ♪ Security... - ♪ He needs his fantasy and freedom
BOTH: ♪ I know him so...
MOTORHEAD RIFF PLAYS
♪ The Ace of Spades The Ace of Spades
♪ The Ace of Spades The Ace of Spades. ♪
CHURCH BELLS CHIME
♪ I'm so in love with you
♪ Purge the soul
♪ Make love your goal
♪ The power of love
♪ A force from above
♪ Cleaning my soul
♪ The power of love
♪ A force from above
♪ A sky-scraping dove... ♪
♪ We're not going out
♪ Not staying in
♪ Just hanging around with my head in a spin
♪ But there is no need to scream and shout
♪ We're not going out
♪ We are not going out. ♪