1
00:00:04,398 --> 00:00:05,851
I mean, there were rumors
that they were gonna
2
00:00:05,865 --> 00:00:08,638
announce it next month, but they
must have gotten impatient. Okay.
3
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:10,390
Whatever they say,
we need to come up
4
00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:14,609
with 10,000 possible responses
to 10,000 possible scenarios.
5
00:00:14,632 --> 00:00:15,757
Okay, just to remind you,
6
00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:17,632
I don't work for
the National Park Service.
7
00:00:17,647 --> 00:00:19,202
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are
those scenarios coming?
8
00:00:19,225 --> 00:00:22,499
Okay, look. Before we go in there,
you need to know something.
9
00:00:22,537 --> 00:00:24,138
- He's here.
- Who's here?
10
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:25,898
The guy whose name you
forbid me from saying
11
00:00:25,922 --> 00:00:27,492
out loud because it fills you
with rage.
12
00:00:27,507 --> 00:00:28,329
[Groans]
13
00:00:28,344 --> 00:00:29,594
Look, I don't know
who he's working for,
14
00:00:29,601 --> 00:00:31,189
but I guess he's part of one
of the bidding groups.
15
00:00:31,204 --> 00:00:32,673
Are you gonna be able
to be civil in there?
16
00:00:32,696 --> 00:00:34,071
I'm perfectly civil.
17
00:00:34,107 --> 00:00:35,912
He's the stupid garbage-head
doo-doo face.
18
00:00:35,927 --> 00:00:37,044
Perfect.
19
00:00:37,069 --> 00:00:38,280
Thank you all for coming.
20
00:00:38,295 --> 00:00:41,131
I am Trevor Nelson, legal
council to the Newport family.
21
00:00:41,156 --> 00:00:45,250
The Newport family trust intends
to sell a 25-square mile parcel
22
00:00:45,265 --> 00:00:49,199
of pristine, undeveloped land
containing Lake Eagleton
23
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:51,194
and the Southern
Indiana foothills.
24
00:00:51,209 --> 00:00:54,268
Why now? The Newports have
owned this land for 100 years.
25
00:00:54,283 --> 00:00:56,831
Thanks to the recent economic
boom in Pawnee,
26
00:00:56,854 --> 00:00:58,653
real estate prices are
at an all time high.
27
00:00:58,668 --> 00:01:01,114
And in the words of
Jessica Wicks-Newport,
28
00:01:01,139 --> 00:01:03,299
heir to the entire
Newport fortune, quote,
29
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:06,590
"It's time to trade those dumb, old
trees for a butt load of cash."
30
00:01:06,622 --> 00:01:09,153
It is. It truly is.
31
00:01:09,169 --> 00:01:11,997
This land is begging to be
a new national park.
32
00:01:12,013 --> 00:01:13,526
And it's in my own backyard.
33
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:14,819
This could be my crowning
achievement.
34
00:01:14,827 --> 00:01:16,054
I could retire.
35
00:01:16,083 --> 00:01:17,283
I mean, I wouldn't.
36
00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:20,499
I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then
cut back to four days a week.
37
00:01:20,509 --> 00:01:23,806
Oh, God, I'm already so bored
thinking about that one day off.
38
00:01:23,829 --> 00:01:25,673
Maybe I'll go to law school
or something.
39
00:01:25,706 --> 00:01:26,706
We will select the finalists
40
00:01:26,741 --> 00:01:30,280
from a set of initial sealed
bids due at 5:00 P.M. tomorrow.
41
00:01:30,295 --> 00:01:31,261
Good luck.
42
00:01:31,281 --> 00:01:32,979
- Okay.
- Cool.
43
00:01:32,994 --> 00:01:33,936
- There he is.
- What?
44
00:01:33,951 --> 00:01:34,983
- Okay.
- He's here?
45
00:01:34,990 --> 00:01:36,717
- He is coming over.
- I don't want to talk to him.
46
00:01:36,732 --> 00:01:37,979
I should hide.
No, he should hide.
47
00:01:38,002 --> 00:01:39,118
He should run.
He should run away.
48
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,499
He should hide his stupid face.
He shouldn't be--
49
00:01:44,975 --> 00:01:46,990
Hello, Ms. Knope.
50
00:01:47,018 --> 00:01:50,247
Hello, former strange person
I used to friend.
51
00:01:51,190 --> 00:01:52,996
You're looking very...
52
00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,068
Ron-like.
53
00:01:55,752 --> 00:01:58,403
- You have your same hair.
- No, I don't. I have bangs now.
54
00:01:58,425 --> 00:02:01,000
I've never known what bangs are,
and I don't intend to learn.
55
00:02:01,007 --> 00:02:02,425
Well, maybe you should!
56
00:02:02,443 --> 00:02:05,112
I left the parks department
two years ago.
57
00:02:05,130 --> 00:02:06,601
Now I work in
the private sector,
58
00:02:06,617 --> 00:02:08,929
running my own building
and development company.
59
00:02:08,951 --> 00:02:12,274
It's called Very Good Building
& Development Company.
60
00:02:12,289 --> 00:02:16,141
I wanted to convey the quality of
our work without seeming flashy.
61
00:02:16,155 --> 00:02:19,152
So your company is involved
with one of the bidders?
62
00:02:19,168 --> 00:02:21,801
Hell yeah, pimp!
63
00:02:21,816 --> 00:02:23,484
He's on team Gryzzl now.
64
00:02:23,503 --> 00:02:27,511
We, uh, hired his company to help
plan and build our new Gryzzl campus.
65
00:02:27,526 --> 00:02:29,527
Right here in town.
Oh, and that land?
66
00:02:29,542 --> 00:02:31,143
Oh, my gosh.
It's perfect.
67
00:02:31,162 --> 00:02:36,708
- The trees and rocks and sky.
- Yes, the land has good sky.
68
00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:39,002
This guy! He's so far out.
69
00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,787
So norm-core.
70
00:02:41,859 --> 00:02:45,181
You know that the National
Park System deserves this land.
71
00:02:45,204 --> 00:02:46,812
Why are you trying
to screw me?
72
00:02:46,819 --> 00:02:48,928
This is like Morning
Star all over again.
73
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,769
This is nothing like
Morning Star.
74
00:02:50,784 --> 00:02:52,680
And that was
two years ago.
75
00:02:52,687 --> 00:02:56,419
Well, you don't know who you're dealing
with. I directly oversee 1,200 people.
76
00:02:56,434 --> 00:02:59,760
I have a staff
of creative geniuses
77
00:02:59,775 --> 00:03:03,618
that will not stop working
until we win this bid.
78
00:03:03,626 --> 00:03:04,384
Leslie?
79
00:03:04,403 --> 00:03:05,886
I-I couldn't find that file
you wanted,
80
00:03:05,902 --> 00:03:09,636
but I did find a file called
bird census, 1980.
81
00:03:09,653 --> 00:03:12,278
- And... it's empty.
- Get out of here, Ed!
82
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,460
- I fired you.
- Right.
83
00:03:13,479 --> 00:03:16,183
If anyone wants to hang,
I will be at Subway.
84
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,491
He's very stupid.
85
00:03:20,572 --> 00:03:24,274
[Triumphant music]
86
00:03:30,621 --> 00:03:40,621
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
87
00:03:41,872 --> 00:03:44,333
Babe? Just dropped off
Leslie's triplets with her mom.
88
00:03:44,348 --> 00:03:45,669
All three of 'em.
Nailed it.
89
00:03:45,699 --> 00:03:47,349
Look what she gave us.
Slow cooker.
90
00:03:47,383 --> 00:03:48,518
- Great.
- Yeah.
91
00:03:48,541 --> 00:03:51,026
Um, so hurry up and get ready.
The gala starts in an hour.
92
00:03:51,042 --> 00:03:53,331
And don't forget, tomorrow we
have to go to that guy's office
93
00:03:53,339 --> 00:03:54,754
to sign the renter's insurance
forms.
94
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,240
Get ready. Go.
95
00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:57,932
Everything is going great.
96
00:03:57,958 --> 00:04:00,393
April's kicking ass at her
National Parks job.
97
00:04:00,404 --> 00:04:03,873
Uh, I work there part time.
And I have my own TV show.
98
00:04:04,734 --> 00:04:09,135
Welcome back to the Johnny Karate
Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.
99
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,483
Morning, Johnny.
I have something for ya.
100
00:04:13,509 --> 00:04:15,954
It's Mailman Barry.
Morning, Barry.
101
00:04:15,980 --> 00:04:18,083
- I have something for you.
- Andy, no.
102
00:04:18,106 --> 00:04:20,771
- Ninjas attack!
- No. Oh God. Andy!
103
00:04:20,786 --> 00:04:23,013
Oh! That's my crotch.
104
00:04:23,028 --> 00:04:25,661
Okay, guys.
Three more kicks a piece.
105
00:04:26,372 --> 00:04:28,124
Uh, Jessica? Hi.
106
00:04:28,132 --> 00:04:29,649
I'm glad I caught you
before you left.
107
00:04:29,664 --> 00:04:31,790
Just between you and me,
what do you think your land
108
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,344
might sell for tomorrow?
109
00:04:33,370 --> 00:04:37,776
Trevor says it'll probably be
around $90 million.
110
00:04:37,792 --> 00:04:39,652
Ah ha! Woo!
111
00:04:39,668 --> 00:04:41,746
- Oh.
- Oh--oh, wow.
112
00:04:41,769 --> 00:04:45,106
I know. I am just--I
am so happy for me.
113
00:04:45,129 --> 00:04:48,497
Would you ever consider giving
the federal government a discount?
114
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,528
For a very good cause?
A national park.
115
00:04:51,536 --> 00:04:53,404
Oh, Leslie.
I have always liked you.
116
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,771
Yeah, no, you
haven't, though.
117
00:04:54,778 --> 00:04:59,303
But I also like money.
And money pays for my lifestyle.
118
00:04:59,310 --> 00:05:01,881
Leslie doesn't pay for my
lifestyle, money does.
119
00:05:01,903 --> 00:05:04,607
So between money
and Leslie...
120
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:06,980
Uhh-uh
121
00:05:07,013 --> 00:05:10,326
- You see the bind that I'm in?
- Yeah, it's a tough one.
122
00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:11,419
Well, thank you, Jessica.
123
00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:14,341
You did and said exactly what
I thought you were gonna do and say.
124
00:05:14,368 --> 00:05:17,335
- And that's oddly comforting.
- Thank you, sweetie.
125
00:05:18,314 --> 00:05:20,736
Who is Tom Haverford?
126
00:05:20,761 --> 00:05:24,027
He's a mentor,
a lover, a hero.
127
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:27,010
But who is my hero?
Simple.
128
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:29,134
It's me. Five
years from now.
129
00:05:29,145 --> 00:05:32,177
Okay, I really only need a correct
spelling of your last name.
130
00:05:32,203 --> 00:05:36,500
You are looking at one of Indiana
Business monthly's 35 under 35.
131
00:05:36,507 --> 00:05:38,234
I own Pawnee's
hottest restaurant,
132
00:05:38,248 --> 00:05:41,353
two fast-casual eateries,
and the Tommy Chopper.
133
00:05:41,769 --> 00:05:45,215
We serve chopped salads out of
a decommissioned military helicopter.
134
00:05:45,230 --> 00:05:46,980
I'm a mogul now.
135
00:05:47,019 --> 00:05:47,965
Hey, Tom?
136
00:05:48,002 --> 00:05:50,111
Ben Wyatt, city manager
of Pawnee.
137
00:05:50,126 --> 00:05:51,509
Chamber of Commerce asked
me to introduce him
138
00:05:51,524 --> 00:05:53,775
at a very fancy black
tie gala tonight.
139
00:05:53,782 --> 00:05:57,584
One of the many area big wigs who comes
to me for life advice, fashion tips.
140
00:05:57,599 --> 00:05:59,474
Uh, you get it.
Write this all down.
141
00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:02,376
So for the introduction, I'd love
it if you could just keep it brief.
142
00:06:02,387 --> 00:06:04,621
- Like, stick to my fiscal
accomplishments. - [Snores]
143
00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:07,590
Oh, wanna wake me up when you're
done boring us to death?
144
00:06:07,614 --> 00:06:08,992
Am I right, Janet?
145
00:06:09,008 --> 00:06:10,356
[Laughs]
146
00:06:10,372 --> 00:06:12,505
Write down that I'm funny.
147
00:06:12,536 --> 00:06:16,389
Benji? Relax, come on.
When's Tommy ever let you down?
148
00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:17,663
Constantly.
149
00:06:17,702 --> 00:06:20,959
I'm being honored at a gala
tonight because I'm in charge
150
00:06:20,982 --> 00:06:23,710
of the Pawnee bicentennial
celebration.
151
00:06:23,718 --> 00:06:25,719
It's my biggest project
since ice town.
152
00:06:25,745 --> 00:06:29,448
So it really means a lot that I'm
being recognized as a city leader,
153
00:06:29,464 --> 00:06:32,724
instead of being yelled at
and pelted with things.
154
00:06:33,973 --> 00:06:35,790
Wait, you don't think
this is all an elaborate setup
155
00:06:35,798 --> 00:06:37,893
to pelt me with
things, do you?
156
00:06:38,828 --> 00:06:41,454
It takes like eight hours
to cook something in this thing.
157
00:06:41,485 --> 00:06:43,426
I guess I could pick up
a brisket tomorrow
158
00:06:43,433 --> 00:06:45,163
and start it for
dinner Thursday.
159
00:06:45,178 --> 00:06:48,451
Oh, Thursday's no good. I have
production meetings all day.
160
00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:50,685
Then we've got dinner
with Joe and Donna on Friday.
161
00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,452
Hey, you know, Sunday.
162
00:06:52,460 --> 00:06:55,167
We can go to the farmer's market,
put the brisket in the slow cooker,
163
00:06:55,190 --> 00:06:56,563
get a movie on
pay per view.
164
00:06:56,575 --> 00:06:58,876
The new Jason Bourne movie's
supposed to be pretty funny.
165
00:06:58,910 --> 00:07:00,159
[Screams]
166
00:07:00,543 --> 00:07:01,918
Andy?
167
00:07:02,263 --> 00:07:03,701
We're planning
our whole week.
168
00:07:03,716 --> 00:07:06,200
Like old people. We used
to be spontaneous and weird.
169
00:07:06,223 --> 00:07:09,087
We used to eat cereal out of frisbees
because we didn't have any bowls.
170
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,956
You once broke a rib trying
to wrestle one of those
171
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:13,276
- inflatable floppy guys
at a car dealership. - I won.
172
00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:16,283
Now you sprained your shoulder trying
to clean out the stupid gutter.
173
00:07:16,315 --> 00:07:19,128
You even have a job.
We have a bank account!
174
00:07:19,151 --> 00:07:20,136
That's it.
175
00:07:20,151 --> 00:07:22,636
We've held out as long as we
could, but it finally happened.
176
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:26,050
We're boring. We're boring people who
will bore each other by being boring.
177
00:07:26,073 --> 00:07:28,839
No! We are still fun.
I'm gonna prove it to you.
178
00:07:28,862 --> 00:07:33,229
Tonight at the gala, we are gonna
do something spontaneous and weird.
179
00:07:33,243 --> 00:07:34,754
Okay.
180
00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:38,907
Stop taunting me.
181
00:07:39,553 --> 00:07:40,873
Get on the phone to Washington.
182
00:07:40,888 --> 00:07:42,630
Call in every favor
that we have.
183
00:07:42,637 --> 00:07:44,371
Dave, put Missouri
on the back burner.
184
00:07:44,386 --> 00:07:45,598
This is top priority.
185
00:07:45,621 --> 00:07:48,494
You all have 36 hours
to find me $90 million.
186
00:07:48,518 --> 00:07:49,416
Go!
187
00:07:49,431 --> 00:07:51,393
Whoa, $90 million?
188
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,755
Well, I only have $2 million
in the discretionary fund
189
00:07:53,770 --> 00:07:56,989
and I've already used some of it
to make Thomas Jefferson sexier
190
00:07:57,005 --> 00:07:59,215
in those Mount Rushmore
promotions.
191
00:07:59,239 --> 00:08:01,081
Which, by the way,
attendance has been up.
192
00:08:01,096 --> 00:08:02,190
That's not a coincidence.
193
00:08:02,197 --> 00:08:04,706
Pawnee's rich and famous
will all be here tonight.
194
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,069
- Maybe you start there.
- That is a very smart idea.
195
00:08:07,084 --> 00:08:09,884
And that tuxedo makes you look
like a sexy orchestra conductor.
196
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,360
- Here, wave this pen around.
- Focus.
197
00:08:11,376 --> 00:08:13,548
Fine. Let's go
get that park.
198
00:08:13,564 --> 00:08:16,235
That park is my dream.
I'm not gonna let it slip away.
199
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:18,694
Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron
have more money?
200
00:08:18,717 --> 00:08:21,111
I have the most valuable
currency in America.
201
00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:25,616
A blind, stubborn belief that
what I am doing is 100% right.
202
00:08:28,952 --> 00:08:31,379
Ken Hotate.
Great bow tie, is that new?
203
00:08:31,394 --> 00:08:33,854
Why, yes it is.
My son sells them on Etsy.
204
00:08:33,870 --> 00:08:35,979
He is a huge disappointment.
205
00:08:35,995 --> 00:08:38,981
Oh, well. Now that we're chatting,
the National Park Service
206
00:08:38,999 --> 00:08:41,756
is looking to buy
the Newport land.
207
00:08:41,785 --> 00:08:43,552
But we're a little
short on funds.
208
00:08:43,587 --> 00:08:45,905
- How short?
- $88 million.
209
00:08:46,405 --> 00:08:49,428
What do you say you put some of
that casino money to good use?
210
00:08:49,443 --> 00:08:52,022
You know, we have been
considering opening a second resort.
211
00:08:52,029 --> 00:08:53,567
No, it would
be a donation.
212
00:08:53,589 --> 00:08:55,067
The government would
keep the land.
213
00:08:55,089 --> 00:08:57,308
So you would like
the Wamapoke people to pay
214
00:08:57,323 --> 00:09:00,683
the federal government millions
of dollars to buy land
215
00:09:00,698 --> 00:09:03,589
that was stolen from us
by the federal government?
216
00:09:03,604 --> 00:09:05,511
And we don't even get
to keep the land?
217
00:09:05,534 --> 00:09:08,159
Well, when you put it like
that, I see the irony.
218
00:09:08,199 --> 00:09:10,133
So are you in? No?
219
00:09:10,152 --> 00:09:12,996
What if I buy some of your disappointing
son's bolo ties? Damn it.
220
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,064
Hey, check it out.
I'm so crazy and spontaneous,
221
00:09:15,072 --> 00:09:16,541
I don't even need
this sling anymore.
222
00:09:16,562 --> 00:09:18,056
- Yes.
- Pa-dow.
223
00:09:18,083 --> 00:09:20,671
Oh! Oh, did you
hear that pop?
224
00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:21,906
Could you hear that?
225
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:24,640
- You wanna do shots?
- Yeah, I'd love to do a shot.
226
00:09:24,667 --> 00:09:26,567
'Cause wine makes
me sleepy now.
227
00:09:26,602 --> 00:09:28,734
This is gonna be fun.
What do you want to do first?
228
00:09:29,245 --> 00:09:32,636
I dare you to eat this
entire jug of olives.
229
00:09:32,643 --> 00:09:33,864
Done!
230
00:09:34,852 --> 00:09:36,445
- What are you doing?
- I'mma take a Zantac.
231
00:09:36,453 --> 00:09:37,727
All that salt will give me
heartburn.
232
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,128
Oh, God. You ruined it.
233
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:41,049
We--we have to figure
something else out.
234
00:09:41,065 --> 00:09:42,456
Should I still
take the Zantac?
235
00:09:42,471 --> 00:09:44,827
Yeah, you always feel
better when you do.
236
00:09:45,444 --> 00:09:47,304
Oh, my God, I hate us!
237
00:09:47,335 --> 00:09:48,609
Let's go.
238
00:09:48,647 --> 00:09:51,764
Now, I know all of you are off
doing your own things
239
00:09:51,779 --> 00:09:54,030
and we don't see each other
as much as we used to,
240
00:09:54,044 --> 00:09:56,578
but I need my old team back
for one last mission.
241
00:09:56,585 --> 00:09:59,815
So hands in.
Defeat Ron on three.
242
00:09:59,829 --> 00:10:01,603
- One, two, three!
- Ooh.
243
00:10:01,619 --> 00:10:04,425
Actually, Ron promised me
I could build a restaurant
244
00:10:04,448 --> 00:10:08,578
on the new Gryzzl campus so I'm
kind of totally on Ron's side.
245
00:10:08,590 --> 00:10:11,617
Okay. Tom's dead to me. Donna?
Waiting for your hand.
246
00:10:11,632 --> 00:10:15,695
Yeah, Ron hired Regal Meagle
realty to broker the deal.
247
00:10:15,703 --> 00:10:18,351
And I'm gonna need
the money for my wedding.
248
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:19,164
[Gasps]
249
00:10:19,193 --> 00:10:21,248
Shia LaBeouf-designed wedding
dresses do not come cheap.
250
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:22,675
Oh, my God, you're
getting married?
251
00:10:22,682 --> 00:10:25,371
That's amazing.
And you didn't tell me earlier?
252
00:10:25,379 --> 00:10:26,489
How could you?
253
00:10:26,503 --> 00:10:27,894
Joe popped the question
a few days ago.
254
00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:30,990
I didn't post anything on Gryzzlfeed
'cause I wanted to tell you in person.
255
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:34,470
This is very beautiful.
And I'm furious at you.
256
00:10:34,486 --> 00:10:35,778
How are you?
How are the kids?
257
00:10:35,794 --> 00:10:38,751
Oh, they're great. You know. They're trying
to destroy us. There's three of them.
258
00:10:38,766 --> 00:10:40,000
It's insane.
But they're great.
259
00:10:40,019 --> 00:10:42,589
We gotta run, Les.
Sorry for totally crushing it.
260
00:10:42,620 --> 00:10:45,141
And you in the process.
Later.
261
00:10:45,709 --> 00:10:49,741
Well, never fear,
because Terry is here.
262
00:10:49,748 --> 00:10:51,392
Yes, I go by Terry now.
263
00:10:51,399 --> 00:10:52,906
Because there was a guy
at National Parks,
264
00:10:52,928 --> 00:10:54,473
he was already
named Larry.
265
00:10:54,481 --> 00:10:56,715
So they suggested
I go by Terry.
266
00:10:56,742 --> 00:11:00,562
And then I said my real name is
Gary and they said, who cares.
267
00:11:00,605 --> 00:11:03,238
So. It's just a fun group.
268
00:11:03,253 --> 00:11:07,753
Good evening, and welcome
to the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala.
269
00:11:07,783 --> 00:11:11,510
[Applause]
270
00:11:11,534 --> 00:11:14,753
Not long ago, this town
was barely on the map.
271
00:11:14,783 --> 00:11:18,763
Unless you were talking about a map of
the cities with the most obese pets.
272
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:25,600
But then, one great man came along
and he lifted all of us up.
273
00:11:31,211 --> 00:11:33,875
And that man was me.
Tom Haverford.
274
00:11:33,882 --> 00:11:36,883
Owner and proprietor
of the effortlessly chic,
275
00:11:36,890 --> 00:11:40,539
celebrity-packed Italian
restaurant, Tom's Bistro.
276
00:11:40,555 --> 00:11:43,549
- And several other establishments.
- Ron? How could you?
277
00:11:43,564 --> 00:11:46,718
I simply took a skewer for one
shrimp and added many shrimp to it.
278
00:11:46,752 --> 00:11:48,307
They're long enough
for five or six.
279
00:11:48,323 --> 00:11:50,940
First you try to steal my park
and now you steal my team?
280
00:11:50,948 --> 00:11:52,440
I didn't steal them.
281
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:57,088
They're independent people who have moved
onto better things, just like you did.
282
00:11:57,103 --> 00:12:00,504
Bacon-wrapped shrimp.
I fit seven on this one.
283
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,811
It's a masterpiece.
284
00:12:01,839 --> 00:12:03,379
Why don't you shove them all
in your dumb mouth
285
00:12:03,387 --> 00:12:06,509
and then when I turn around, you can
stab me in the back with the skewer?
286
00:12:06,527 --> 00:12:08,261
People come up to me
and they say things like,
287
00:12:08,268 --> 00:12:11,050
Tom, given all that you've
accomplished,
288
00:12:11,089 --> 00:12:13,277
is it hard to stay humble?
289
00:12:13,305 --> 00:12:16,841
And I say... not for me.
290
00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:19,125
I'm pretty amazing
at being humble.
291
00:12:19,703 --> 00:12:22,371
But, enough about me.
292
00:12:22,390 --> 00:12:24,187
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
293
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:28,172
Pawnee's man of the year 2017,
Mr. Ben Wyatt.
294
00:12:28,187 --> 00:12:30,880
[Cheers and applause]
295
00:12:30,887 --> 00:12:33,122
Thank you. Thanks.
296
00:12:33,137 --> 00:12:38,184
And thank you to Tom for that
moving tribute to you.
297
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:41,184
And thank you to the boys and
girls club for the incredibly
298
00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:43,779
lifelike paper-mache statue.
299
00:12:43,790 --> 00:12:45,353
You know, when I first moved
here--
300
00:12:45,361 --> 00:12:46,953
[interrupting music]
301
00:12:46,968 --> 00:12:50,289
Oh, uh. I guess
it's time for cake?
302
00:12:50,304 --> 00:12:53,765
Okay. Great. Perfect.
Timing.
303
00:12:53,796 --> 00:12:55,398
Oh, how about this?
304
00:12:55,412 --> 00:12:59,765
We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on,
everybody's fancy jewelry is missing.
305
00:12:59,788 --> 00:13:03,658
Meanwhile, you and I are already
on a boat to the airport.
306
00:13:03,669 --> 00:13:05,303
Let's put stink bombs
in all the vents.
307
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,963
- Yes.
- Wait, no.
308
00:13:06,979 --> 00:13:11,466
I forgot. I got rid of all the stink
bombs before you babysat Leslie's kids.
309
00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,576
Being responsible adults
sucks butts.
310
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:15,397
Butts, that's it.
I'll streak across the stage.
311
00:13:15,412 --> 00:13:16,553
Yes, I love it.
312
00:13:16,572 --> 00:13:18,901
I'm gonna get naked.
I'm gonna get up there.
313
00:13:18,917 --> 00:13:20,585
Everyone is gonna
see my weiner.
314
00:13:20,603 --> 00:13:22,137
I mean, you've seen it.
You know how dumb it looks.
315
00:13:22,171 --> 00:13:23,974
- Uh-huh.
- Perfect plan.
316
00:13:24,859 --> 00:13:25,926
Why are you even here?
317
00:13:25,943 --> 00:13:27,444
What have you ever
done for this city?
318
00:13:27,478 --> 00:13:30,978
My company has stimulated
Pawnee's economy.
319
00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:33,929
You're just still upset
about Morning Star.
320
00:13:34,583 --> 00:13:36,600
I told you to never say
that word to me.
321
00:13:36,623 --> 00:13:38,451
No one should ever say
that word out loud.
322
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,134
It's like Voldemort.
Or Ron.
323
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,368
You know what?
You don't deserve that candle.
324
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,596
- Gimme that candle!
- Let go. Let go.
325
00:13:43,603 --> 00:13:45,157
This candle's mine.
No, give me this candle.
326
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,559
You steal my team,
I steal your candle.
327
00:13:46,589 --> 00:13:47,895
- I stole nothing.
- Neh.
328
00:13:47,925 --> 00:13:49,409
- Guys? - I want it!
- Leslie.
329
00:13:49,422 --> 00:13:50,758
- Stop!
- [Grunts]
330
00:13:50,781 --> 00:13:53,070
[Crowd gasps]
331
00:13:55,146 --> 00:13:57,084
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
332
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:58,822
Just wheel out
the backup cake.
333
00:13:58,845 --> 00:14:00,689
There is no backup cake.
334
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,648
Who doesn't bake
a backup cake?
335
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,002
Okay, well that seals it.
336
00:14:05,029 --> 00:14:07,931
Even Leslie is
crazier than we are.
337
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,462
They're still gonna serve
that cake, right?
338
00:14:12,537 --> 00:14:16,185
And then I said, uh, you might
want to check with the penguin.
339
00:14:16,197 --> 00:14:18,002
[Laughter]
340
00:14:18,747 --> 00:14:19,490
I get it.
341
00:14:19,505 --> 00:14:22,247
You Gryzzl guys
are a real hoot.
342
00:14:22,286 --> 00:14:25,033
- And you have so much money.
- Thanks, Jessie.
343
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:28,146
And, hey, enjoy that new
prototype Gryzzl tablet, huh?
344
00:14:28,161 --> 00:14:29,461
I will. I just love it.
345
00:14:29,487 --> 00:14:31,824
Tablet: Thank you, Jessica.
I love you too.
346
00:14:31,841 --> 00:14:34,583
I love your skin.
Give me your skin.
347
00:14:34,996 --> 00:14:37,438
- Oh. - There's still a couple
bugs with the A.I. software.
348
00:14:37,453 --> 00:14:40,032
But, uh, maybe just turn it off
before you go to sleep.
349
00:14:40,798 --> 00:14:41,977
All right, Donna.
Let's hit it.
350
00:14:41,993 --> 00:14:43,495
- About to get some peddies.
- Okay.
351
00:14:43,503 --> 00:14:45,289
Peddies on peddies
on peddies.
352
00:14:45,297 --> 00:14:47,410
Okay. You're next.
353
00:14:50,113 --> 00:14:51,411
Hello, Ron.
354
00:14:51,434 --> 00:14:53,049
I just want you to know
that I am not sorry
355
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,694
that I pushed you into
a giant cake.
356
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,626
Well, I am sorry.
That I attended a public event.
357
00:14:58,650 --> 00:15:00,431
Yo, Ron? Come on, bud.
358
00:15:00,461 --> 00:15:03,723
We're gonna go play some video games
and we want you to watch quietly.
359
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,642
[Sighs]
360
00:15:13,408 --> 00:15:15,513
After we drop off the renter's
insurance forms,
361
00:15:15,528 --> 00:15:16,992
we need to stop by
the grocery store.
362
00:15:17,011 --> 00:15:18,766
And then we need to sign
a suicide pact,
363
00:15:18,774 --> 00:15:20,094
because our lives
are meaningless.
364
00:15:20,118 --> 00:15:22,344
Babe, we are not
boring people.
365
00:15:22,375 --> 00:15:24,719
Would boring people get
renter's insurance,
366
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,640
even though it's not
legally required?
367
00:15:26,655 --> 00:15:27,500
Where are we?
368
00:15:27,507 --> 00:15:30,109
I have never once been
to this part of Pawnee.
369
00:15:30,124 --> 00:15:32,484
It's the creepy
warehouse district.
370
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,819
It's mostly just raccoons
and old car batteries.
371
00:15:35,849 --> 00:15:37,958
Whoa, hang on.
Pull over.
372
00:15:37,974 --> 00:15:39,318
Look at that.
373
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:47,421
- This place is amazing.
- Let's go in.
374
00:15:49,405 --> 00:15:51,600
[Knock on door]
What up, playa?
375
00:15:51,624 --> 00:15:54,343
Just wanted to apologize
for my intro running long.
376
00:15:54,365 --> 00:15:57,069
But, uh, you know. When it comes
to inspirational Will Smith quotes,
377
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,060
how are you gonna
stop at ten?
378
00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,614
You know, when the chamber of
commerce asked you to introduce me,
379
00:16:00,637 --> 00:16:04,871
I was a little worried you would spend
the entire time talking about yourself,
380
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:07,814
which is exactly
what you did.
381
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:09,189
I'm sorry.
382
00:16:09,729 --> 00:16:12,549
Truth is, they didn't ask me
to introduce you.
383
00:16:12,564 --> 00:16:13,765
I asked them if
I could do it.
384
00:16:13,784 --> 00:16:17,370
I was gonna talk about
how I owe you so much.
385
00:16:17,397 --> 00:16:20,583
How you stood by me through all
my failures and I stood by you
386
00:16:20,598 --> 00:16:21,935
through all your
terrible outfits.
387
00:16:21,950 --> 00:16:24,927
But when I got up there,
I got pretty emotional.
388
00:16:24,955 --> 00:16:29,692
To make it up to you, I'd like
to read you the speech now.
389
00:16:29,721 --> 00:16:31,987
I've known a lot of
ballers in my day.
390
00:16:32,002 --> 00:16:35,557
But no man balls harder than
the man I'm about to bring up.
391
00:16:35,585 --> 00:16:38,297
He's kind, he's intelligent.
392
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:39,048
[Sobs]
393
00:16:39,063 --> 00:16:42,532
He's a person I'm deeply proud
to call my friend.
394
00:16:42,547 --> 00:16:46,344
Pretty good speech.
I mean, it was, um...
395
00:16:46,379 --> 00:16:48,299
a little sappy, maybe.
396
00:16:49,456 --> 00:16:50,389
[Sobs]
397
00:16:50,409 --> 00:16:52,057
I think I liked it.
398
00:16:52,074 --> 00:16:56,841
[Sobbing]
399
00:16:59,766 --> 00:17:01,704
Jessica, Mr. Nelson.
400
00:17:01,718 --> 00:17:03,872
You are going to hear
a lot of bids today.
401
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,226
But this is the only one
that matters.
402
00:17:08,622 --> 00:17:10,279
Is this a circle?
403
00:17:10,903 --> 00:17:13,223
Or, is it an "O"?
404
00:17:13,788 --> 00:17:14,710
[Gasps]
405
00:17:14,726 --> 00:17:16,929
Is Oprah involved
in your bid?
406
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,687
It's a zero.
407
00:17:18,702 --> 00:17:20,736
I bid zero dollars.
408
00:17:20,756 --> 00:17:23,459
I have to say, that's one of
the lower one's we've seen.
409
00:17:23,474 --> 00:17:26,345
Pawnee is celebrating its
200th anniversary,
410
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,938
and the Newport family has
been here since day one.
411
00:17:28,953 --> 00:17:33,709
Through feast and famine,
transformation, upheaval, celebration.
412
00:17:33,743 --> 00:17:36,588
The Newport family is part of
the fabric of this town,
413
00:17:36,612 --> 00:17:38,167
and not always
in a good way.
414
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:40,403
Like when your hot fudge
pipeline exploded.
415
00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:42,652
Oh, boo hoo.
It all ran off into the lake.
416
00:17:42,668 --> 00:17:45,754
Well, yes. Admittedly, it did
make the fish taste delicious,
417
00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:47,222
but it was a P.R. nightmare.
418
00:17:47,241 --> 00:17:48,964
My question is this.
419
00:17:48,974 --> 00:17:52,404
What do you want the Newport
name to mean in the future?
420
00:17:52,434 --> 00:17:56,972
If you donate this land and you let
me turn it into a national park--
421
00:17:57,731 --> 00:18:00,800
the Newport National Park--
422
00:18:00,803 --> 00:18:04,108
your name will stand
for something good.
423
00:18:04,135 --> 00:18:06,369
For generations to come.
424
00:18:06,380 --> 00:18:08,500
How much was
her bid again?
425
00:18:08,525 --> 00:18:11,306
It was, uh...
zero dollars.
426
00:18:11,338 --> 00:18:13,393
Oh. That's the part
I don't like.
427
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:16,400
Just keep me in
the running.
428
00:18:16,431 --> 00:18:19,626
Give me a chance to prove
to you how great this could be.
429
00:18:21,909 --> 00:18:26,216
Says here there are 12
closets, three bomb shelters,
430
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:29,233
five dumb waiters, two
and three eights baths.
431
00:18:29,252 --> 00:18:30,578
No kitchens.
432
00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:32,036
It's a fairly
standard layout.
433
00:18:32,055 --> 00:18:34,094
Cool, is that a staircase
to nowhere?
434
00:18:34,102 --> 00:18:36,047
Yes, it is. Good eye.
435
00:18:36,062 --> 00:18:37,543
What was this place?
436
00:18:37,582 --> 00:18:40,074
Remember the Pawnee
doll head factory?
437
00:18:40,085 --> 00:18:41,968
- This was a doll head factory?
- No.
438
00:18:41,983 --> 00:18:46,855
This was a holding cell for people who
went insane on the assembly line.
439
00:18:47,764 --> 00:18:49,565
What's behind this door?
440
00:18:49,944 --> 00:18:51,007
[Gasps]
441
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,190
Fire poll.
442
00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:54,248
So this place has had
zero offers?
443
00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:56,829
People seem to be
scared off
444
00:18:56,857 --> 00:18:59,244
on account of it
being haunted...
445
00:19:00,391 --> 00:19:02,086
and disgusting.
446
00:19:02,126 --> 00:19:04,892
After 47 years
living here,
447
00:19:04,917 --> 00:19:09,382
I decided to move to Orlando
to be closer to Disney World.
448
00:19:10,224 --> 00:19:12,574
We are responsible adults.
449
00:19:12,597 --> 00:19:14,037
- You know what that means.
- I know.
450
00:19:14,057 --> 00:19:18,784
We have money and we are going
to buy the shit out of this house.
451
00:19:18,814 --> 00:19:20,073
- Seriously?
- Yes.
452
00:19:20,113 --> 00:19:23,716
Who needs rental insurance?
We're gonna live here.
453
00:19:30,856 --> 00:19:32,965
We now go live to the press
conference.
454
00:19:32,996 --> 00:19:33,863
Good evening.
455
00:19:33,897 --> 00:19:35,664
I'm attorney Trevor Nelson
with the law firm
456
00:19:35,679 --> 00:19:38,687
Fwar, Dips, Winshares, Gritt,
Babip, Pecota, Vorp, and Eckstein.
457
00:19:38,702 --> 00:19:40,835
Legal counsel
to the Newport family.
458
00:19:40,843 --> 00:19:42,801
Here to announce that the
Newport family trust
459
00:19:42,816 --> 00:19:45,309
has narrowed the search
to two final candidates.
460
00:19:45,345 --> 00:19:48,595
The Gryzzl Corporation
and the National Park Service.
461
00:19:48,627 --> 00:19:51,127
Okay. I'm in the game.
462
00:19:51,154 --> 00:19:54,417
All I have to do is convince
them that it's better taking
463
00:19:54,432 --> 00:19:56,854
no money than taking
$90 million.
464
00:19:56,869 --> 00:19:59,526
Well, you did convince three
unsuspecting toddlers
465
00:19:59,549 --> 00:20:02,010
that peas turn into cupcakes
in their tummies.
466
00:20:02,037 --> 00:20:07,982
I started my career in Pawnee by turning
a pit into a cool, little park.
467
00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:12,056
And now, I have the chance
to give this town a massive,
468
00:20:12,079 --> 00:20:14,580
beautiful gift that
they can use forever.
469
00:20:14,599 --> 00:20:16,466
In the words of
Jason Bourne,
470
00:20:16,491 --> 00:20:19,819
"This is where it started
for me, this is where it ends."
471
00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:23,944
Yeah, you know, I still think Kevin James
was a weird choice for the reboot.
472
00:20:23,966 --> 00:20:26,692
Oh, I don't.
I think he nailed it.
473
00:20:27,186 --> 00:20:29,686
So I'm thinking in addition
to the Tom's Bistros,
474
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:33,067
we have a hyper exclusive lounge
area called Tommy's Lounge.
475
00:20:33,082 --> 00:20:35,419
Attention! This is war.
476
00:20:35,441 --> 00:20:38,611
You guys are going down.
And that's all I wanted to say.
477
00:20:39,184 --> 00:20:40,989
Except Donna, Tom. Hey.
478
00:20:41,012 --> 00:20:43,238
I'm--I'm sorry I haven't kept in
better touch with you recently.
479
00:20:43,253 --> 00:20:45,966
But I've just, you know, I'm a little
preoccupied with my kids and my job.
480
00:20:45,991 --> 00:20:47,559
so it's really good
seeing you both.
481
00:20:47,575 --> 00:20:49,645
And also, prepare for war.
482
00:20:49,675 --> 00:20:52,896
Because you chose the wrong side
and we are gonna smoke you.
483
00:20:52,921 --> 00:20:56,609
And also, I made cookies. But
Ron is not allowed to eat them.
484
00:20:56,643 --> 00:20:59,971
And they say prepare
for war on them.
485
00:20:59,987 --> 00:21:03,127
But the "O" in the word
for is a heart.
486
00:21:03,156 --> 00:21:04,392
And...
487
00:21:05,193 --> 00:21:09,506
I ate a lot of them on the way
over here, because we're at war.
488
00:21:09,530 --> 00:21:11,204
- Hey, Tom.
- Hey, man.
489
00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,807
- Buddy, good to see you.
- How's it going?
490
00:21:12,821 --> 00:21:14,578
- It's pretty good.
- Hey, Andy!
491
00:21:14,602 --> 00:21:15,805
Let's go.
492
00:21:16,182 --> 00:21:17,688
War.
493
00:21:23,472 --> 00:21:30,472
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www.addic7ed.com
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