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sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
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Right here. Yeah, baby.
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Pardonne moi.
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_
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Hi.
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I'm Salem, and I'm an alcoholic.
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- Hi, Salem.
- I'm talking.
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It's been a long road,
this road to recovery.
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It seems like just yesterday Dr. Skip
was jamming that tube down my throat
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yelling, "Salem!"
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How many blackjacks did you shebang?"
And now, here I am.
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However long it's been later.
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10 years!
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It's been 10 years!
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Being forced to check out of rehab.
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You know, when Dr. Skip told me
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Promising Journeys was closing down
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because some stupid Indians had demanded
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their stupid sacred land back,
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my first thought was,
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Indian givers.
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But thanks to my sponsor Helene...
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My name is Karen.
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And the super powers given to me
by the Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ,
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I started to understand
what this rodeo's been about.
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You're all jealous of me.
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And you have reason to be.
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Where you going, Helene? Come back here.
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Am I a supermodel? Yes.
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Have I vomited on every continent?
Twice.
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Was I flying in a G5 when I got HPV
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from Patrick Swayze?
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Best Thanksgiving ever.
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But without the use of drugs and alcohol,
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the Lord and I find your envy unbearable.
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You people with your, "My
dad touched me when I was 7"
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and "I have a very demanding
surgical practice", please.
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My mother tried to get an abortion
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in the delivery room.
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I walked a runway during
Bahrain fashion week
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wearing nothing but a clear plastic burka
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and my bikini wax.
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But do I bitch like Mr. Miyagi over there?
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Do I gargle a million dicks
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just so I can feel something like Shelly?
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- It's okay, Shelly.
- No. I'm an American.
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I pick myself up off the ground,
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I put my underwear back on
and I say, "fuck you, assholes.
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I'll find my own way home."
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You may applaud.
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- Oh, Christ.
- Great.
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Thanks for sharing, Salem.
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Time to start your new life.
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Once you've found a place,
I'd like to come check on you.
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You know what was invented in Los Angeles?
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The lap dance, the French
dip, and Salem Rogers.
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This whole town's my place.
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Thank you.
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The Beast! She still runs!
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Oh...
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But you're gonna need a plan to stay clean,
so where are you going to go?
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You know my grandmother Mary always said
plans are for the weak and Canadian.
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When the fashion world hears I'm back,
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it'll be all famous
lovers and shooting covers.
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Ah.
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Remember, one day at a time.
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Right on, tampon.
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Oh, thank Christ!
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Salem Rogers Model of the Year -01x01
Pilot
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Mmm.
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Gorgeous.
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Atta girl.
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Agatha Todd.
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Raggie!
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I'm not my mistakes.
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I'm a love spreading difference maker.
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I am a love spreading
difference maker. Okay.
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Help me out here, Cash.
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Cash, you're so wise.
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Agatha?
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You are not still pining
over Cash Bannister, are you?
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- Hi, Deena.
- It was one night in Sedona.
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- What happened?
- Oh, it's nothing.
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- It's, like, a stress pimple. It's okay.
- You should masturbate.
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It alleviates tension,
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- and you can do it anywhere.
- Thanks.
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Look at that, another Aggie
Boyle book up on the shelf.
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Huh? I mean, who knew there would be
a self-help market for tweens?
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- I did.
- Me, too. Teamwork.
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Okay, so...
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My new book...
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What's Aggie Boyle up to this time?
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Not Aggie Boyle.
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Look, Dana, I am ready to
hatch out of my chrysalis
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and fly into the world of adult self-help.
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Check this out.
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My Bully, My Friend.
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How to Bully your enemies into friendship.
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- Mm-hmm.
- By life coach Agatha Todd.
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You, a life coach.
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Yeah. Adults are bullied all the time,
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by their boss, their spouse,
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that nasty high school girl
that works at the gas station.
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The Todd Method empowers you to bully back
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with patience and love.
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Bullying with love.
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Sounds like something a rapist might say.
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Ah, but rape only sells in Japan.
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There are only two ways to make
it in today's self-help market:
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a hot guru or a recovering
celebrity train wreck.
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It's all about the fame game, baby.
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And you are not a player.
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You know, I'm sorry, but I
wouldn't have to yell at you
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if you could just yell at yourself.
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Love ya.
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Hi, Agatha.
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- Ready for the meet and greet?
- Oh, hey, Ronald.
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Yeah. Wow, the store looks beautiful.
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Thank you.
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Takes one to know one.
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So, how is the turnout?
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Biggest one yet.
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- Oh.
- Your books touch so many people's lives.
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Thank you.
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I was thinking maybe I could take you
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for a bite to eat in the
food court after work.
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They've got one of these Asian places.
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- So...
- Y-yeah, sure.
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Be bold, young dreamer.
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Oh, hi.
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I've always said these books
are good for girls of any age.
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- You remind me of my son.
- Uh-huh.
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Your son must have had very thick wrists
and been one hell of a woman.
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You're welcome.
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Hi, Raggie.
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Salem?
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What are you doing here?
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I'm out of Promising Journeys.
Who are all these geeks?
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And why are you dressed
like that Nifty's mannequin?
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You know that store's
for the elderly, right?
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I have that pocketbook.
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It holds all my pills.
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See what I mean? Come on,
let's go right some wrongs
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and then party 'til we're
tits down on the dance floor
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- like the old days.
- How did you even know I was here?
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- It was on your fridge.
- You were in my house?
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How did you get in my house?
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- Agatha, it's time for the reading.
- You know, you're not the boss of her.
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I am.
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Salem, I am not your
assistant anymore, okay?
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That was a long time ago.
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Raggie...
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- It's Agatha.
- Ragatha?
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Agatha... Salem, I don't
know if your time in rehab
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led to any meaningful changes in your life,
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but I have evolved
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into my best, most authenticized self,
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far beyond just being an assistant.
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So, I wish you success on your journey.
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Bye-bye.
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Aggie sat down at her usual table
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near the faculty restroom
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when all of a sudden a voice
echoed across the cafeteria:
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"You stink, Raggie!"
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It was 7th grade bully Harmony St. Song,
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and here crew of populistas.
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"Laugh all you want, Harmony," Aggie cried,
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but someday, when you've become
your most authenticized self,
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you'll wanna be my friend.
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And you know what the answer will be?
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Yes, because I am a...
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love spreading difference maker.
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Yes!
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You wrote books about me.
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- Salem?
- You left me to rot in a mental hospital
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- while you got rich writing books about me!
- No, it was a resort rehab in Malibu.
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There was an infinity
pool with a swim-up-to spa.
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I mean, I wanted to be an
addict so I could move in there.
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These books, these books are not about you.
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Okay, they are actually about me.
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- Do you know this person?
- I'm her boss, string bean.
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You're not my boss, and
Harmony St. Song could be anyone.
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Hey, Rag, what did you do?
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Go to the dentist and
have your teeth yellowed?
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I asked you that in confidence.
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- Time to go.
- Oh, pop your breaks, stick shift.
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You know what, Salem, this
is how you do it, guys.
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You are being a bully, so please leave.
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Oh, abandoning me again.
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- Let's go, Ma'am.
- Salem...
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Hey! You know what?
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Last I checked, this was America,
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and Jesus died so we'd have the right
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to stand anywhere we goddamn please.
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- Ma'am, you're gonna need to leave or...
- Or what, Lean Cuisine? You'll what?
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And stay out.
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Don't you know who I am?
I'm... just, will you tell him, Rags?
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I'm a love spreading difference maker.
I'm a love spreading difference maker.
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Oh, God.
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Shut the fuck up, okay?
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Just shut the fuck up!
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Oh, I was... Oh my God, I'm sorry.
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Salem, I was not acting as my best self.
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Give me a ride, we'll call it even.
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Where's your car?
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Okay, I will take you home.
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00:09:51,319 --> 00:09:52,720
Tits!
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00:09:52,721 --> 00:09:54,723
My stuff's already at your place.
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There she is.
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00:10:00,629 --> 00:10:02,096
What did you do to my fence?
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00:10:02,097 --> 00:10:04,032
I'm pretty sure it was already like that.
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00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:06,834
I'm getting your things and taking you back
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00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:08,268
to Promising Journeys.
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00:10:08,269 --> 00:10:09,904
I can't go back, Rags.
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00:10:09,905 --> 00:10:12,740
The Indians demanded their
land back from Dr. Skip
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00:10:12,741 --> 00:10:14,208
so he had to shut it down.
217
00:10:14,209 --> 00:10:15,588
- What?
- And you know what?
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00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:18,012
The people there, they
didn't understand me.
219
00:10:18,013 --> 00:10:20,314
They judged me for being pretty and skinny
220
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,583
and they really hated the
fact that I could still drink.
221
00:10:22,584 --> 00:10:25,185
We are going to go to my modeling agency,
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00:10:25,186 --> 00:10:27,788
get back the Victoria's Secret contract
223
00:10:27,789 --> 00:10:30,625
that whorenado Heidi Klum stole from me,
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00:10:30,626 --> 00:10:32,192
move back to Paris,
225
00:10:32,193 --> 00:10:37,297
and live the privileged
consequence free life
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00:10:37,298 --> 00:10:41,201
that beautiful white and
light-skinned black women
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00:10:41,202 --> 00:10:42,970
are entitled to.
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00:10:42,971 --> 00:10:43,838
Oh my God.
229
00:10:43,839 --> 00:10:45,640
And you get to help me.
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00:10:45,641 --> 00:10:46,874
You can drive me around.
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I'll live in your house.
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We'll be best friends together again.
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00:10:51,179 --> 00:10:52,947
- Best friends?
- Yes.
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00:10:52,948 --> 00:10:56,283
I was your over-worked,
under-appreciated assistant
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00:10:56,284 --> 00:10:57,484
who you bullied around.
236
00:10:57,485 --> 00:10:59,720
Bullied around the world.
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Rags, come on.
238
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I took you to Japan,
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00:11:05,426 --> 00:11:07,962
Belize, Quebec.
240
00:11:07,963 --> 00:11:12,667
You had sex with the
drummer from Creed in a dojo.
241
00:11:12,668 --> 00:11:14,769
- Scott Phillips.
- Mm-hmm.
242
00:11:14,770 --> 00:11:16,070
He was such a gentleman.
243
00:11:16,071 --> 00:11:17,537
Mm-hmm.
244
00:11:17,538 --> 00:11:18,973
No, you know what?
245
00:11:18,974 --> 00:11:20,941
I have a career now, I have self-esteem.
246
00:11:20,942 --> 00:11:24,211
I suggest that you use this second chance
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00:11:24,212 --> 00:11:27,514
to find out who you are on the inside.
248
00:11:27,515 --> 00:11:29,083
- That's great advice.
- It is.
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00:11:29,084 --> 00:11:30,550
For ugly people.
250
00:11:30,551 --> 00:11:33,253
You can't be a supermodel. You're 36.
251
00:11:33,254 --> 00:11:36,423
Next to you, I look 26.
252
00:11:36,424 --> 00:11:39,326
That's why I need you by my side
when we get to the agency.
253
00:11:39,327 --> 00:11:41,128
When Roberto sees that his star is back,
254
00:11:41,129 --> 00:11:43,430
we'll be on the next flight to Paris.
255
00:11:43,431 --> 00:11:45,833
You're delusional. Nobody cares.
256
00:11:45,834 --> 00:11:48,836
I'm Salem Fuckin' Rogers,
Model of the Year 1998.
257
00:11:48,837 --> 00:11:52,707
People will always care.
I'm hot and I'm famous.
258
00:11:52,708 --> 00:11:55,542
Oh, you're famous! Woopdie-doo!
259
00:11:55,543 --> 00:11:57,712
Another famous celebrity trainwreck!
260
00:11:57,713 --> 00:12:00,848
Oh, I'm a celebrity trainwreck?
261
00:12:00,849 --> 00:12:03,217
I'm sorry, I don't think
you can call somebody
262
00:12:03,218 --> 00:12:06,253
who was once engaged to Jason Priestly
263
00:12:06,254 --> 00:12:08,388
in the height of his power
264
00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:09,589
a trainwreck.
265
00:12:09,590 --> 00:12:12,259
- You know what your problem is?
- Let me be your life coach.
266
00:12:12,260 --> 00:12:13,861
Are you hitting on me?
267
00:12:13,862 --> 00:12:17,397
Let me help you realize
your personal, spiritual,
268
00:12:17,398 --> 00:12:18,999
and professional goals.
269
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,234
So you'll be my assistant?
270
00:12:20,235 --> 00:12:21,535
No.
271
00:12:21,536 --> 00:12:22,970
Life-assistant.
272
00:12:22,971 --> 00:12:26,440
Will I assist you in
finding your life's path
273
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:30,010
to stop being a bully and
become a successful human being?
274
00:12:30,011 --> 00:12:32,747
- Yes.
- Will you hold my hair back when I puke?
275
00:12:32,748 --> 00:12:35,615
It depends on the circumstances.
276
00:12:37,008 --> 00:12:38,887
I'm gonna take that as a yes.
277
00:12:43,158 --> 00:12:46,460
Okay, so go in there and act as...
278
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:48,362
- I got it.
- If...
279
00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:50,130
Act as if.
280
00:12:50,131 --> 00:12:52,132
It's living as thought what you want
281
00:12:52,133 --> 00:12:55,770
is already yours, so you act as if
282
00:12:55,771 --> 00:12:57,604
you're a famous supermodel.
283
00:12:57,605 --> 00:12:59,106
I am a famous supermodel.
284
00:12:59,107 --> 00:13:00,440
Exactly.
285
00:13:00,441 --> 00:13:02,911
Go. I'll be right up.
286
00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:06,146
Hello?
287
00:13:06,147 --> 00:13:07,647
Dana, it's me, Agatha. Listen...
288
00:13:07,648 --> 00:13:08,682
Who?
289
00:13:08,683 --> 00:13:09,984
Agatha Todd.
290
00:13:09,985 --> 00:13:11,786
Listen, um, you know,
291
00:13:11,787 --> 00:13:13,454
I had an idea about the book.
292
00:13:19,961 --> 00:13:23,798
Ugh, what I could teach these
girls about inner beauty.
293
00:13:23,799 --> 00:13:26,801
Hello. Hi. Who hurt you?
294
00:13:26,802 --> 00:13:28,102
Tell 'em we're here, Rags.
295
00:13:28,103 --> 00:13:29,470
Okay.
296
00:13:30,806 --> 00:13:31,839
Hello, Miss.
297
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,508
Oh, I'm sorry. Sir.
298
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:37,178
Um, we are here to see Roberto.
299
00:13:38,713 --> 00:13:40,580
Sir, I know it's not your intention,
300
00:13:40,581 --> 00:13:42,349
but I am feeling minimized.
301
00:13:42,350 --> 00:13:44,085
Oh, fuck this.
302
00:13:46,654 --> 00:13:48,722
Roberto van Goth.
303
00:13:48,723 --> 00:13:51,959
Holy Chanel, Salem Rogers.
304
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,061
I think I just got a partial. Kidding.
305
00:13:54,062 --> 00:13:56,196
You're gross. Kidding.
306
00:13:56,197 --> 00:13:57,564
I see things haven't changed a bit.
307
00:13:57,565 --> 00:13:59,099
Hey, it's boniva.
308
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,869
All the cocaine ate
away at my bone density.
309
00:14:01,870 --> 00:14:05,139
My, my, it's been a while.
310
00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:07,042
Kitten.
311
00:14:09,477 --> 00:14:10,744
What's that?
312
00:14:10,745 --> 00:14:11,979
My assistant Raggie.
313
00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:14,381
Former assistant. Agatha Todd.
314
00:14:14,382 --> 00:14:18,485
- We met years ago.
- Oh, yes, the one with the clean urine.
315
00:14:18,486 --> 00:14:19,486
Thank you, by the way.
316
00:14:19,487 --> 00:14:22,689
- Wait... how did you get my...
- I'm back, Bobby.
317
00:14:22,690 --> 00:14:24,158
You wanna call Donatella or should I?
318
00:14:24,159 --> 00:14:26,293
Salem, you show up out of nowhere,
319
00:14:26,294 --> 00:14:30,130
old, and expect me to get
you a job with Versace?
320
00:14:30,131 --> 00:14:32,399
They'd sooner hire Miss Piss over there.
321
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,535
I am a life coach and
published self-help author.
322
00:14:35,536 --> 00:14:37,471
Help yourself to some concealer.
323
00:14:37,472 --> 00:14:39,573
Bobby, I'll do a couple
smaller shows in Paris.
324
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:42,376
Salem, the only runway
you'll ever touch in Paris
325
00:14:42,377 --> 00:14:43,543
is at the airport.
326
00:14:43,544 --> 00:14:46,080
I'll do New York Fashion Week.
327
00:14:46,081 --> 00:14:48,449
But that's as low as I'll go.
328
00:14:51,319 --> 00:14:55,289
How about headlining the
Nifty's Summer of Scarves
329
00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:57,791
fashion event at the mall tomorrow?
330
00:14:57,792 --> 00:15:01,395
No. Carol Alt was going to do it,
but she hurt herself rollerblading.
331
00:15:01,396 --> 00:15:03,563
It can be your swan song as a model,
332
00:15:03,564 --> 00:15:04,899
and we'll part as friends.
333
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:09,603
Bobby, I was voted Model of the Year 1998.
334
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:11,405
I was a Victoria's Secret angel
335
00:15:11,406 --> 00:15:13,807
until that whorenado Heidi Klum...
336
00:15:13,808 --> 00:15:15,509
Heidi nothing!
337
00:15:15,510 --> 00:15:17,311
Two days before your first
Victoria's Secret shoot,
338
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:19,914
a judge sentenced you to rehab or jail.
339
00:15:19,915 --> 00:15:20,948
Own it.
340
00:15:20,949 --> 00:15:23,783
- I am a supermodel.
- There are no more supermodels.
341
00:15:23,784 --> 00:15:26,586
It's all starlets and real people.
342
00:15:26,587 --> 00:15:27,687
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
343
00:15:27,688 --> 00:15:29,123
I'm sorry, Kitten,
344
00:15:29,124 --> 00:15:31,526
but it's Nifty's or nothing.
345
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:35,930
Salem, Salem.
346
00:15:35,931 --> 00:15:39,333
Headlining a model fashion show
may not rebuild your career,
347
00:15:39,334 --> 00:15:43,303
but it's the humble beginning you need
to rebuild your self-esteem.
348
00:15:43,304 --> 00:15:45,305
My first reading of an Aggie Boyle book
349
00:15:45,306 --> 00:15:48,175
was at a library to three homeless people.
350
00:15:48,176 --> 00:15:50,410
And now, look at me.
351
00:15:50,411 --> 00:15:53,948
Every waterfall starts
with a flake of snow.
352
00:15:53,949 --> 00:15:56,150
Whatever.
353
00:15:56,151 --> 00:15:58,518
Make the deal, Bobby.
354
00:15:58,519 --> 00:16:01,421
Yes.
355
00:16:01,422 --> 00:16:03,423
Didn't you die?
356
00:16:03,424 --> 00:16:04,824
A few times.
357
00:16:04,825 --> 00:16:06,793
Didn't stick.
358
00:16:06,794 --> 00:16:08,795
Hookah Cartwright.
359
00:16:08,796 --> 00:16:11,531
Hope you make a better
secretary than you did a model.
360
00:16:11,532 --> 00:16:13,300
Well, I'm not a secretary.
361
00:16:13,301 --> 00:16:15,302
I'm the best agent Roberto has.
362
00:16:15,303 --> 00:16:17,271
You know, you have a lot
of nerve talking to me
363
00:16:17,272 --> 00:16:18,772
after the crap you pulled.
364
00:16:18,773 --> 00:16:21,175
- Me?
- Yes, you.
365
00:16:21,176 --> 00:16:23,143
You stole my boyfriends for fun,
366
00:16:23,144 --> 00:16:26,280
you greased my shoes before runway shows,
367
00:16:26,281 --> 00:16:28,983
and you told every photographer
and designer you worked with
368
00:16:28,984 --> 00:16:31,685
that my clitoris was actually a tiny penis.
369
00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:33,253
That was you, Salem.
370
00:16:33,254 --> 00:16:34,754
That's what you did to me.
371
00:16:34,755 --> 00:16:37,224
Touché.
372
00:16:37,225 --> 00:16:40,294
Salem, you have to apologize.
373
00:16:40,295 --> 00:16:42,662
- Hmm.
- Yes, Salem. Listen to you mother.
374
00:16:42,663 --> 00:16:44,564
Hey, I'm on your side!
375
00:16:44,565 --> 00:16:47,767
Oh, I don't need some has-been's
assistant standing up for me.
376
00:16:47,768 --> 00:16:49,752
- Unless it's to get a coffee.
- Ooh!
377
00:16:49,754 --> 00:16:51,206
I'll take a double-iced espresso.
378
00:16:51,239 --> 00:16:53,007
Americano for me, Rags.
379
00:16:53,008 --> 00:16:55,542
Soy chai latte, two Splendas.
380
00:16:55,543 --> 00:16:56,710
Write it down.
381
00:16:56,711 --> 00:17:00,714
You are all rude, selfish...
382
00:17:00,715 --> 00:17:04,651
- Hey, no assistant of mine...
- I am not your assistant!
383
00:17:04,652 --> 00:17:07,721
You spent 10 years in rehab
384
00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:11,458
and you are the same
self-centered, arrogant bully
385
00:17:11,459 --> 00:17:14,161
that you were when I
actually was your assistant.
386
00:17:14,162 --> 00:17:19,899
Good luck with your modeling career,
because I am sure that Anne Klein
387
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:24,271
can't wait to hire a
36-year-old whorenado.
388
00:17:24,272 --> 00:17:26,273
And you know what, Salem?
389
00:17:26,274 --> 00:17:29,043
Harmony St. Song was based on you.
390
00:17:29,044 --> 00:17:34,049
The only thing I left out
is that she didn't have gonorrhea!
391
00:17:35,283 --> 00:17:37,451
Bye-bye.
392
00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:39,387
Okay then.
393
00:17:41,422 --> 00:17:43,057
Anne Klein?
394
00:17:48,329 --> 00:17:49,329
What?
395
00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:50,564
Agatha?
396
00:17:50,565 --> 00:17:53,333
- You don't sound so good.
- Oh, yes, well, um...
397
00:17:53,334 --> 00:17:56,603
Who cares. Keychain is
giving you the green light.
398
00:17:56,604 --> 00:18:00,174
- Your Bully Your Bully book is a go.
- Shh.
399
00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:02,609
Gonna be a first person account
400
00:18:02,610 --> 00:18:05,412
of you turning that sasquatch Salem Rogers
401
00:18:05,413 --> 00:18:08,082
from your bully to your BFF.
402
00:18:08,083 --> 00:18:10,084
You should have told me
you had a famous bully.
403
00:18:10,085 --> 00:18:12,652
- That's a game changer.
- I'm not doing it, Dana.
404
00:18:12,653 --> 00:18:14,721
- What?
- No, I'm sorry, you know what?
405
00:18:14,722 --> 00:18:16,090
I was wrong.
406
00:18:16,091 --> 00:18:18,092
Salem is not a bully.
407
00:18:18,093 --> 00:18:21,795
She is a swirling,
soul-sucking black hole.
408
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:25,099
But I'm thrilled that
Keychain is still on board,
409
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:27,201
because it's still a great idea.
410
00:18:27,202 --> 00:18:30,270
- Even without Salem.
- Oh, is it?
411
00:18:30,271 --> 00:18:32,639
The author couldn't make
her method work for her,
412
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,441
but she's sure it'll work for you.
413
00:18:34,442 --> 00:18:38,245
Should we put that on the
front or the back cover?
414
00:18:38,246 --> 00:18:41,115
You call me when she's on board.
415
00:18:41,116 --> 00:18:43,650
I'm a love spreading difference maker.
416
00:18:43,651 --> 00:18:45,485
I'm a...
417
00:18:48,489 --> 00:18:49,656
Slim Jims.
418
00:18:49,657 --> 00:18:52,726
Oh, God.
419
00:18:52,727 --> 00:18:54,728
Look at me.
420
00:18:54,729 --> 00:18:57,197
Look at me.
421
00:18:57,198 --> 00:19:00,134
Now, tell me what you want.
422
00:19:00,135 --> 00:19:02,569
I want you, Cash.
423
00:19:02,570 --> 00:19:07,141
Good. Now say it again,
using just your eyes.
424
00:19:07,142 --> 00:19:09,476
Keep saying it.
425
00:19:09,477 --> 00:19:10,944
Yes.
426
00:19:10,945 --> 00:19:12,968
I'm Cash Bannister,
427
00:19:12,970 --> 00:19:14,858
creator of master the
power of eye contact...
428
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:16,951
This is the worst porn ever.
429
00:19:16,951 --> 00:19:18,752
It's not porn.
430
00:19:18,753 --> 00:19:20,954
He is my spirit...
431
00:19:20,955 --> 00:19:25,159
Cover up. I want to go to bed
and you have a fashion show tomorrow.
432
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,161
I know, and I feel like celebrating.
433
00:19:27,162 --> 00:19:29,229
You know what? It's been a really long day
434
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:30,730
and I am ending it.
435
00:19:30,731 --> 00:19:32,266
By flicking your bean to an infomercial?
436
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:33,733
- Yeah.
- Come on!
437
00:19:33,734 --> 00:19:35,669
A day like this needs to end with a bang.
438
00:19:35,670 --> 00:19:36,970
A real bang.
439
00:19:36,971 --> 00:19:38,638
- A sex bang.
- I get it.
440
00:19:38,639 --> 00:19:42,509
Salem, no.
441
00:19:50,117 --> 00:19:52,552
From Johnny in the band.
442
00:19:52,553 --> 00:19:55,189
I need another one for my friend.
443
00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:57,023
Hey, can you call your sponsor?
444
00:19:57,024 --> 00:19:58,393
She'd hate this place.
445
00:20:00,261 --> 00:20:02,095
Atta girl.
446
00:20:03,698 --> 00:20:07,268
Hey, send him one back, and use this.
447
00:20:08,969 --> 00:20:11,938
See, if I did that, they'd
call the health department.
448
00:20:11,939 --> 00:20:14,107
You will probably get a
song written about you.
449
00:20:14,108 --> 00:20:16,176
You want a song written about you, Rags?
450
00:20:16,177 --> 00:20:19,746
You gotta do something worth singing
about. Dance on the bar naked.
451
00:20:19,747 --> 00:20:22,449
Get Jason Priestly to go
down on you in the bathroom
452
00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:26,286
with a mouthful of coke. God,
this place is full of memories.
453
00:20:26,287 --> 00:20:28,722
Listen, you got balls, rags.
454
00:20:28,723 --> 00:20:32,025
I saw 'em dangling when you went
all agro in the agency today.
455
00:20:32,026 --> 00:20:33,760
They were hairy and hung low.
456
00:20:33,761 --> 00:20:35,262
You're a fighter, Rags.
457
00:20:35,263 --> 00:20:38,031
You don't have to tell me
I'm a fighter. I know that.
458
00:20:38,032 --> 00:20:40,667
- But... you think I'm a fighter?
- Oh, shit, yeah.
459
00:20:40,668 --> 00:20:42,469
Man, I look at you,
460
00:20:42,470 --> 00:20:45,339
your life, that hairline.
461
00:20:45,340 --> 00:20:47,541
And I think, man,
462
00:20:47,542 --> 00:20:49,142
if that were me, I would have...
463
00:20:50,144 --> 00:20:52,078
a long time ago, but not you.
464
00:20:52,079 --> 00:20:54,248
You're like the AIDS of people.
465
00:20:54,249 --> 00:20:57,154
There's just no stopping you.
466
00:20:58,253 --> 00:20:59,786
One more.
467
00:20:59,787 --> 00:21:02,256
Hey, what's up with your TV boyfriend?
468
00:21:02,257 --> 00:21:04,023
Oh, well, I'm sure you've heard of him.
469
00:21:04,024 --> 00:21:05,659
Cash Bannister.
470
00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:08,895
- Uh-huh.
- I mean, he's not my boyfriend per-se.
471
00:21:08,896 --> 00:21:10,264
You guys bumping uglies?
472
00:21:10,265 --> 00:21:13,267
Yes, no. Just one... well, two times.
473
00:21:13,268 --> 00:21:14,701
But you know what, though?
474
00:21:14,702 --> 00:21:17,537
Cash and I, we're on
different trajectories.
475
00:21:17,538 --> 00:21:20,106
And a monogamous
relationship, I don't know.
476
00:21:20,107 --> 00:21:22,041
Ah, he wants to bump other uglies.
477
00:21:22,042 --> 00:21:23,677
So should you.
478
00:21:23,678 --> 00:21:26,613
We're not all 5'11" swimsuit models, okay?
479
00:21:26,614 --> 00:21:30,284
I don't walk into a room and
have guys buy me drinks. So...
480
00:21:30,285 --> 00:21:31,752
What about him?
481
00:21:36,090 --> 00:21:37,825
Him? Um...
482
00:21:40,988 --> 00:21:42,390
No, I...
483
00:21:43,764 --> 00:21:44,964
From Sanjit.
484
00:21:44,965 --> 00:21:46,966
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
485
00:21:46,967 --> 00:21:51,204
Finally, an Indian who's not a total dick.
486
00:22:15,129 --> 00:22:17,331
Tallahassee, Florida.
487
00:22:17,332 --> 00:22:19,333
The drummer from Creed.
488
00:22:19,334 --> 00:22:22,503
Arms Wide Open. It was a huge hit.
489
00:22:38,637 --> 00:22:39,886
No, no, no.
490
00:22:39,887 --> 00:22:43,089
You two. Sorry, we're
closed for a special event.
491
00:22:43,090 --> 00:22:49,262
- I am the special event, headset.
- Salem, only an hour and a half late.
492
00:22:49,263 --> 00:22:51,230
Quinn, meet our headliner, Salem Rogers.
493
00:22:51,231 --> 00:22:54,801
Perhaps you remember her from the covers of
Sports Illustrated, Vogue...
494
00:22:54,802 --> 00:22:57,371
Or the Enquirer after she
crashed a stolen hand glider
495
00:22:57,372 --> 00:22:58,805
into a Make-A-Wish kid
496
00:22:58,806 --> 00:23:01,074
riding a Ferris Wheel with Destiny's Child.
497
00:23:01,075 --> 00:23:04,711
Why don't you go jerk off
your tiny clitoris dick?
498
00:23:04,712 --> 00:23:05,745
Ooh.
499
00:23:05,746 --> 00:23:07,615
Pellegrino, now.
500
00:23:09,216 --> 00:23:11,018
Do you have a b... Do you have a bathroom?
501
00:23:14,689 --> 00:23:16,756
Did these woman eat the models?
502
00:23:16,757 --> 00:23:19,659
I told you, it's all real
people these days, Baby Cat.
503
00:23:19,660 --> 00:23:22,762
These are the new models of Van Goth.
504
00:23:22,763 --> 00:23:24,764
Don't worry.
505
00:23:24,765 --> 00:23:25,865
Mama's here.
506
00:23:25,866 --> 00:23:27,602
We'll see.
507
00:23:31,406 --> 00:23:32,572
Oh, thank you.
508
00:23:32,573 --> 00:23:34,074
Come here often?
509
00:23:35,476 --> 00:23:37,243
Hey, do you have to go back to work?
510
00:23:37,244 --> 00:23:39,145
I am working. Salem's paying me $50
511
00:23:39,146 --> 00:23:41,515
- to write down everything...
- People say about her.
512
00:23:41,516 --> 00:23:43,417
That used to be my job.
513
00:23:43,418 --> 00:23:45,852
I waited for you last night.
514
00:23:45,853 --> 00:23:48,187
Um, I thought we were going out.
515
00:23:48,188 --> 00:23:49,523
Oh.
516
00:23:49,524 --> 00:23:51,925
Ate a large hot and sour soup on my own.
517
00:23:51,926 --> 00:23:52,926
It's not that safe.
518
00:24:19,086 --> 00:24:20,620
You're no Carol Alt.
519
00:24:20,621 --> 00:24:22,523
You ain't seen nothing yet.
520
00:24:28,752 --> 00:24:30,363
No one's saying anything.
521
00:24:30,364 --> 00:24:32,899
Yeah.
522
00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:35,068
Holy shit.
523
00:24:44,144 --> 00:24:45,479
Somebody stop this!
524
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:46,947
Security!
525
00:24:48,015 --> 00:24:49,115
Somebody!
526
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:54,489
You are coming with me!
527
00:24:56,390 --> 00:24:57,925
No!
528
00:24:59,259 --> 00:25:01,828
Shit, stick-shift.
529
00:25:05,199 --> 00:25:06,834
Salem!
530
00:25:11,839 --> 00:25:14,240
Salem, I know things seem bleak,
531
00:25:14,241 --> 00:25:15,875
and you're at rock bottom,
532
00:25:15,876 --> 00:25:18,512
but this is the kind of
thing Aggie Boyle would call
533
00:25:18,513 --> 00:25:20,413
"mistakerrific."
534
00:25:20,414 --> 00:25:22,348
It means something you think is awful
535
00:25:22,349 --> 00:25:24,117
turns out to be wonderful.
536
00:25:24,118 --> 00:25:25,852
Like a McRib.
537
00:25:25,853 --> 00:25:28,688
Salem, let me take you on a journey
538
00:25:28,689 --> 00:25:31,290
of discovery and healing.
539
00:25:31,291 --> 00:25:33,527
Our journey.
540
00:25:33,528 --> 00:25:36,730
- My new book...
- Found something.
541
00:25:36,731 --> 00:25:38,865
78,000 views?
542
00:25:38,866 --> 00:25:40,433
It's only been five hours.
543
00:25:40,434 --> 00:25:44,437
And @SalemRogersVagina
has 2089 Twitter followers.
544
00:25:44,438 --> 00:25:47,841
And Kylie Jenner was snapped
wearing an "I Am Salem Rogers" T-shirt.
545
00:25:47,842 --> 00:25:50,644
Those girls could really
learn a lot from Aggie Boyle.
546
00:25:51,846 --> 00:25:53,880
Door.
547
00:25:53,881 --> 00:25:56,249
You know what, I know it
doesn't seem like it now,
548
00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:57,784
but people will forget.
549
00:25:57,785 --> 00:26:00,186
They better not, this
is fucking mistakerrific.
550
00:26:01,822 --> 00:26:03,089
Roberto!
551
00:26:03,090 --> 00:26:04,824
Read.
552
00:26:04,825 --> 00:26:07,894
Kitten, guess which panty palace called me
553
00:26:07,895 --> 00:26:10,196
after they saw your
performance at Nifty's on-line?
554
00:26:10,197 --> 00:26:11,898
Victoria's Secret.
555
00:26:14,268 --> 00:26:17,671
Kidding, it was Silky Smooths,
556
00:26:17,672 --> 00:26:19,573
Canada's biggest seller of undergarments
557
00:26:19,574 --> 00:26:22,709
and long janes is coming to America,
and they want you.
558
00:26:22,710 --> 00:26:25,244
It's not Paris, but it's a start.
559
00:26:25,245 --> 00:26:27,647
Better drop 20 pounds, fatso.
560
00:26:27,648 --> 00:26:30,685
Kidding. Not kidding.
561
00:26:34,589 --> 00:26:37,824
A campaign, Rags! We're back!
562
00:26:37,825 --> 00:26:39,626
Glasses.
563
00:26:39,627 --> 00:26:42,128
You know what, Salem, I know
this seems like a good opportunity,
564
00:26:42,129 --> 00:26:44,163
but the journey we could take together
565
00:26:44,164 --> 00:26:47,200
- in my book is gonna...
- Shh, shh, shh.
566
00:26:47,201 --> 00:26:48,513
To Rags.
567
00:26:48,515 --> 00:26:51,370
I never would have done
a crappy mall fashion show
568
00:26:51,371 --> 00:26:52,839
if it weren't for you.
569
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:55,141
A lot of people have let me down, Rags.
570
00:26:55,142 --> 00:26:56,409
But not you.
571
00:26:56,410 --> 00:27:00,279
You are hands-down by-far
572
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,515
the best assistant...
573
00:27:02,516 --> 00:27:03,851
I'm not your assistant.
574
00:27:04,375 --> 00:27:06,375
_
575
00:27:16,697 --> 00:27:19,265
Now, make an angry face.
576
00:27:25,382 --> 00:27:27,018
_
577
00:27:29,058 --> 00:27:32,645
_
578
00:27:32,647 --> 00:27:34,513
I love France.
579
00:27:34,514 --> 00:27:37,041
I got France in my pants!
580
00:27:37,042 --> 00:27:40,549
_
581
00:27:42,957 --> 00:27:47,126
Man, even tampon sounds pretty in French.
582
00:27:47,127 --> 00:27:49,393
- Tampon.
- _
583
00:28:38,506 --> 00:28:41,100
sync and corrections by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com